he's lying to me...again guys

[barbielovesmac]

it's funny how he thought he'd get away with this. wow. he almost did. he must think im stupid.

 

and he must know that if that girl is indeed on the team that he better be honest about it ... because I WILL find out. and that's a promise.

[midnightrambler]

he has said that he 'is a good liar.' he has said it several times. but then he claims he's only a good liar when it comes to his parents. RIGHT!

 

who would even admit that? I have lied to bosses, Nuns, teachers, women, umpires, parents, on line----once you get away with it you can't stop

[midnightrambler]

How do we know this is true? You just admitted you are a liar.

 

It is like the Twilight Zone.......I finally told the truth and NO ONE BELIEVES ME !!!!!!

[ghost69]

we will be your vent until you get home barbie. stand firm. don't let him turn it around on you. while it might not be that bad, he DID lie. you need to figure out if it's enough to ... you know.

[barbielovesmac]

i don't even want to cry. im so mad now. im getting so mad. i am mad more then anything else.

 

how he can sit there and tell me all this crap ... with NO worries. we've gone golfing together for the past two weekends HELLO?!

 

he's good. he's really good.

 

i am red. i can feel it. i can't even cry. this is amazing. he calls me the love of his life. he tells me 'jokingly' not to cheat on him. oh my god. wow.

 

i could BLOW!

[metrogirl]

barbie.......You are getting yourself frenzied over this girl and she may not even be on the team.......It only takes one thought of something bad to make your mind to go into overdrive.....

 

you need to keep calm and collected until you can figure out everything......

[JeckyllNHyde]

who would even admit that? I have lied to bosses, Nuns, teachers, women, umpires, parents, on line----once you get away with it you can't stop

 

It's true I tell ya.

People who lie once, or more. And then get caught yet forgiven or let off the hook easy will continue doing it over and over and over....

[ghost69]

i hope his name is not 'mac'. that would be really crummy.

 

ladies, i know it's makeup. geez.

[JeckyllNHyde]

i hope his name is not 'mac'. that would be really crummy.

 

ladies, i know it's makeup. geez.

 

that was such a lame joke..

[barbielovesmac]

it's hard for me not to get emotinal with crap like this. i try and i'll do good and then i just start crying. im an emotional, sensitive person. i cry ...

 

i know how it's all going to play out. im going to confront him and he's going to get mad and say that he doesn't want to talk about it. then i'll cry and he'll say omg and try to leave. then i'll have to make it right .. and go crawling to him even though he's in the wrong.

 

that's sad.

[Snoopy24]

I have had issues with trust with my past boyfriends. ..even with my current boyfriend!

 

But what I have learned is if someone constantly lies to you, about anything. Chances are they will always lie to you. You will always be suspicious, and never have trust for them.

[JadedStar]

Barbie the way you are handling this you are already blowing it. Calm down. Learn how to use a little more rationality. You need to be calm when you talk to him about this. If you go off on him with emotion and fury he will use this against you and call you an irrational woman. And it will be easy for him to do because at this rate you WILL be very irrational if you unleash.

 

Something I learned to do in life when i am this angry is NOT say anythign at all about what i know until i have digested it and allowed myself time to stew alone and get it out of my system BEFORE confrontation. If confronting him is not done with a coolhead he is going to prevail on this one. YOu are going to get tripped up and fooled if you go at it the way you are right now.

 

You do not know if he is on the track team for certain yet, and if he is you don't know if she is on it. I think these are very key things to know before going off. I dont suggest "going off" at all but surely don't without the facts.

 

Its strange tho becuse the pics I have seen of your b/f i never would have guessed in a million years he was into golf or sports. He looks like a rocker to me, based on the pictures that is, and does not look like someone who would want to run track. Go figure! LOL

 

But if he is into that you can't hold him back from it. What kind of life would this be?

[ghost69]

it's hard for me not to get emotinal with crap like this. i try and i'll do good and then i just start crying. im an emotional, sensitive person. i cry ...

 

i know how it's all going to play out. im going to confront him and he's going to get mad and say that he doesn't want to talk about it. then i'll cry and he'll say omg and try to leave. then i'll have to make it right .. and go crawling to him even though he's in the wrong.

 

that's sad.

 

this is no way to live. you need to realize this is not a good life to lead.

[barbielovesmac]

I don't plan on going off on him as in cursing and yelling, i just know that i will cry. I'm going to TRY not to because I know he'll hold that against me.

 

And you're right Jaded, I don't know for certain that he's on the team and I also don't know for certain that she's on the team. That's why I'm going to only bring up what I saw and see what he has to say for himself. I am not going to accuse him.

 

But he doesn't handle conflict very well. When you go to him with anything he thinks you are attacking him. I could go up to him with the calmest, nicest voice and he'll get mad. It doesn't really matter how I approach it. But I am going to do my best to not cry.

 

i guess he just called my mom to let her know that he got my dog and told me mom he was on his way to "golf practice." wow.

 

as much as i want to see the good in him, i just can't. i know that when i get home i will see his car at the track field and NOT the golf course. whenever i try to see the best in him, he always lets me down. letting me down has never failed. so i know ... that his car won't be at the golf course.

[JadedStar]

THis is the thing - if you know you are going to cry you need not to mention it tonight.

 

NOthing is going to change by not talking about it tonight barbie. Wait until your heartrate goes down and your steam is released thru the ears at least.

 

Crying will weaken you and the only thing you have to rely on here is your respectability and plausibility. Crying will not make you look very strong and you need to be so he knows he can't keep carrying on like this.

 

You go at him crying and he knows he will eventually find his way out.

[barbielovesmac]

You are completely right, Jaded. You are right on it.

 

But I don't think I can go another night with all this bottled up inside. I can't just let him go to that track meet tomorrow (if it be the case) like he got away with it.

 

I think that I can do this without crying because I haven't cried yet. Normally, im gone at this point. Im a wreck, but im more mad then anything right now. And I think that outweighs all my other feelings.

 

I know things will be a different when face to face with him, but I just have to do it. And if I don't mention it then i'll be in a bad mood all night ... and that alone will spark conflict.

[barbielovesmac]

Take a picture of his car at the track field for evidence. It will be hard for him to deny that and maybe once you break it to him he will stop the facade and things will improve.

 

psssh...if his car is there...i'll go there! im not scared to confront him. but i have a feeling that he going to have his car parked in the back. and when it's parked in the back you cannot see it from the road....

[JeckyllNHyde]

But I don't think I can go another night with all this bottled up inside. I can't just let him go to that track meet tomorrow (if it be the case) like he got away with it.

He's been doing it for weeks and weeks. SO what's the diffrence?

 

 

I know things will be a different when face to face with him, but I just have to do it. And if I don't mention it then i'll be in a bad mood all night ... and that alone will spark conflict.

 

I agree with you on this. I too would find it mad to just go to bed. Especially if my SO has no clue something is wrong.

But hey BLM...maybe you should play him with his own game and lie too and let him THINK he has fooled you once again... But I wouldn't be able to pull if off. My p'ed off expression would come out ever so often and give it away lol.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Barbie, there's a really good book called 'When Your Lover is a Liar' by Susan Forward about how to deal with someone who lies. It talks about the different kinds of liars, and how to deal with them. Offers different strategies as to how to confront them (effectively), and how to make decisions about whether to stay or go.

 

I can't remember all the details, but when you confront him, you need to try to remain calm, otherwise the discussion becomes about your emotions, not his behavior. You need to tell him what you know, how it makes you feel, and this is the most important part: WHAT YOU EXPECT FROM HIM IN THE FUTURE. So just blowing up vents your emotions, but it doesn't change anything, or change him.

 

You need to have thought it thru clearly and decided what you expect from him, and the conditions that exist for you staying together. So this is out in the open, now what? Do you expect him to stop going to track, or just expect him to stop lying to you? And what are the consequences FOR HIM if he does lie to you in the future.

 

He has learned he can lie, you blow up, you cry, things are upset for a while, then it goes back to business as usual, no consequences. So he needs to understand that the game has changed, and that lying is NOT ACCEPTABLE, and if he continues to do it, the consequence is you leave.

 

On the flip side, i think you need to stop trying to be his keeper and firewall him from other women. The world is full of women, and if he wants to cheat, he will meet them and cheat. So you have to focus on stopping the negative things like lying, and set clear boundaries of what is acceptable in the relationship.

 

For example, him running track should be an OK activity. Him cheating on you is not. So pick your draw your lines and pick your battles focusing on exactly what the problem is (cheating and lying), and not trying to fence him in otherwise, which he might resent.

 

I'd buy that book if he readily admits to being a good liar and has lied to you a lot. It tells you how to recognize lying, why people lie, and what to do about it.

[barbielovesmac]

when im mad or upset i can't really fake it. even when i try not to let him know something is bothering me. he knows. if it's not the expression then it's the way im acting or the way that im breathing. or the way that i avoid him. when something is wrong ... i won't be in the same room. i'll do other things like clean ... or whatever.

 

i can't keep it from him. and if i try to and it works ... it will only upset me more.

[barbielovesmac]

i know him. i know him like the back of my hand.

 

he can't handle confirnation. if things get the least bit hard then he wants to run and when i say run i mean break up. it's like im the glue that holds us together. i won't let him act stupid. im not sure that he'd really break up with me but he always brings it up ALMOST everytime we fight. he can't handle it. and he's one to bring up 500 different issues in a fight then the actual issue ... so when we fight it's not even about what we were fighting about in the first place. it's about what happened a year ago or whatever. it's no longer about the issue at hand. and i know he will try and do this tonight. because he does it all the time.

[JadedStar]

it's like im the glue that holds us together. i won't let him act stupid.

 

Barbie, let's see. I want to say this with all kindness....trying to not make it sound harsh....but he DOES act stupid and you have LET him by living this vicious circle. You find out he lies, you get upset, cry, you fight, he runs...you let him come back. And probably even apologize yourself.

 

You are the glue holding it together because you bring him back each time when letting him go is probably the best option. You think confrontation works but really all it does is continue to let the cycle continue that i wrote about in paragraph one. No one can badger a person into being someone other than who they are or make them comply to our wants. If it is proven they can't do it, they won't do it. They CAN if they show extraordinary effort and change, but I think you know he never has. He just gets more creative with the lying.

 

What is it you are afraid to lose here? I know you love him but really, what valuable components does he add to yuor life? Is your life truly enriched for living it with him? Or do you think that finding a guy who has the same mindset as you in regards to lying and faithfulness (or lack of i should say) might be a lot easier and a lot happier?

[Zeitgeist]

I haven't read the whole thread, so I apologize if I simply repeated someone else's opinions.

 

First of all, yes, it's wrong of him to lie to you. That said, I think you play a pretty big part in it and the two of you are locked in a vicious cycle. For just a minute, look at this situation from his point of view. He likes running and wants to join this running club. You don't want him to. He still wants to run, but he doesn't want to upset you. Lying will seem like the only way to get what he wants and yet satisfy you. You say it's because of a girl. There will alway be a girl. And if you stop him from doing all the things he enjoys simply because you're worried about a girl, he will eventually blame you and resent you for it. And he will most likely run away. At some point, you need to take a leap of faith and trust him. If you start from a place of suspicion and constantly need for him to prove that your suspicions are wrong, your relationship is headed in a very bad direction.

 

The myspace thing is just completely blown out of proportion. The last time he logged in was a month ago. Who knows why he logged in? Maybe he was curious about an old friend. Maybe he just wanted to see if all the stuff was cleared off his account. You said there were no pics, no friends, or anything else on the account. So what are you imagining he's going to do with a blank account?? It very well may have been completely harmless. And let's say for a second that he IS taking a peek at other women's accounts. It's human nature. Are you saying that you've never looked at another guy and thought to yourself "mmmm..."? Of course you have. The IMPORTANT thing is that you would never act on it. But it's healthy to admit to oneself even in a committed relationship that one may find others attractive. Given that you have no proof AT ALL that he's actually done anything wrong, I think you're overreacting. And I think you're going to unnecessarily damage your relationship by angrily confronting him about it.

 

You need to acknowledge your own responsibility in his lying. You cannot dictate his activities, and then at the same time expect him to be 100% honest with you all the time. Granted, I don't really know your relationship history, so perhaps he's actually done something in the past that warrants this hypersensitive level of suspicion, but this is just my outsider's point of view.

[barbielovesmac]

im about to get off work ... and i need to know how to confront him. how should i bring it up?

 

i printed out the golf & track schedule. don't know that i'll do anything with them, but wanted to have them.

 

i just don't know how to bring it up. what if i go and see his car at the track field and NOT the golf course?

 

im so confused. im about to get off and i'll be able to check this page probably once before he comes home. so i'll check back when i get home.

 

you have ALL kept me very sane for the 4 hours and i thank you. i'll be back sooooon! after i drive by .........................

[JadedStar]

when im mad or upset i can't really fake it. even when i try not to let him know something is bothering me. he knows. if it's not the expression then it's the way im acting or the way that im breathing. or the way that i avoid him. when something is wrong ... i won't be in the same room. i'll do other things like clean ... or whatever.

 

i can't keep it from him. and if i try to and it works ... it will only upset me more.

 

So in essense what you are saying is you can't keep it in and you can't keep from blowing up so you are not even going to TRY to change the efforts that you normally put int this. I can promise you that you will get the exact same results you have been getting all along.

 

It is defeatist to say you can't change this. YOU CAN wait until you are more in control to confront him and you CAN confront him with FACTS not tears and emotion that won't come out looking one bit beleivable. He will have you right where he wants him and escape out of this rabbit hole by using your emotions against you.

 

So go clean or go out wtih a friend and vent on her but don't stick around and be the same barbie because if you do nothing will change. If I can do it ANYONE can. When i was your age I would get hotheaded, explode, cry, plead and beg and it got me NOWHERE but a lot of puffy eyes the next morning. Now i make sure when i need to talk about an issue it is with a clear head because there is nothing that will make you look more respectable then talking thru a problem and sticking TO THE FACTS. Facts are hard to weasel out of. You get your facts in line and your proof and THEN discuss it.

 

And i strongly encourage you to learn better how to pick your battles. I have followed your posts and notice that becuase of your enormous insecurities EVERYTHING is a battle for you. Not calling you because you are bored at work...do you think this was a reasonable demand? Saying that there are GIRLS ICKY GIRLS at the track. Is this a reasonable reason for a man who likes to run track to avoid it? Someone said you need to concentrate on the lying and stick to that.

 

If you beocme a weepy emotinal mess over EVERYTHING you will surely teach every man you date to lie to you and cover his tracks to avoid your wrath.