I am dating a puppy dog. And I don’t think I can keep it up.

[redrose85]

gradle- I was like that a few years ago. After a horrible relationship, I became overly independent to the point where I almost hated men. I wouldn't accept help from anybody, and certainly had a hard time showing or receiving affection. I dated a guy just like who you are describing now, for about 2 months, but he was so needy and clingy, that he mostly wound up making me angry. I found ways to avoid him, and realized that yes, while he is a good guy, who really likes me, appreciates me, is thoughtful and all that, and I COULD eventually learn to love him, this isn't right for me. I was miserable. I finally just broke it off and didn't look back. I can't handle pushovers, or "yes" men. It has to be a good mix of both, not mean and nasty, and not wimpy and super-nice to a fault. You KNOW that you're not that happy in this relationship, so you should probably just dump him and let him move on.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

it sounds like you would be comfortable with him as a FRIEND, but the chemistry is missing. in fact when it comes to anything physical, even his mannerisms and how he touches you, he is ANNOYING you. that is never a good sign.

 

i think that is he were right for you, after four months, you would want to be ripping each other's clothes off and have a really hard time NOT doing it...

 

sometimes you just have to admit you really like someone as a person, but the chemistry for a romantic/sexual relationship is just not there. it is better to break it off now rather than wait longer and have more invested in it then. you both need to be free to find someone who really has the whole package, not just a good friend. one can have lots of friends, but for a boyfriend/spouse, you need a guy where there IS sexual chemistry, and lots of it.

 

can you imagine this guy in bed with you for the next 40 years? and touching you, being naked with you, making love? i suspect that idea does not appeal to you, and if it doesn't, better to cut your losses and break up. you may discover that you can still be friends, but give it a rest and let him decide whether friendship is too much for him if you reject him as a boyfriend.

[Momene]

So it seems like what women now want isn't "just gay enough" but "not bad enough"!?

 

I'm sooooo glad my dating days are over!

[Nixee]

I understand that completely. I guess I might be the same way after what I went through... if I wasn't so weak-willed But still, in my new relationship with the nice guy, I've already had moments where I've told him I want to be alone for a few days. And the nice thing about dating a nice guy is that the will usually understand and give you what you need.

 

But at the same time, if part of you is struggling to keep it simple and slow, then part of you is always going to be finding reasons to NOT like him.

 

To me... it is no wonder that you are hesitating and finding things you don't like - on some level you just aren't ready to give him a real chance. You say you are ready to fall in love, but it seems like you are actually ready for it to just happen to you, but what you got is something that takes a little thinking about. Meanwhile, it sounds like he is trying to do the most logical things to really 'romance' you and make you fall. Flowers, gifts, dates... a trip to Europe!?

 

If you just don't feel anything, well.. I can understand that. But it sounds like at times you DO feel something, but you are unwilling to look for more.

 

There is a fine line between just not feeling anything for someone or searching out their faults to use as an excuse to not feel anything. Sometimes we can go into a relationship fully open and blinded to a person's faults, and we KNOW that it is love... but it is on shaky ground, because sooner or later we begin to realize their downfalls. I think this often happens the first time we truly fall in love... or at least it did for me. After that... well, it has been hard. I'm guarded, I try to go slow, I try to think so carefully about whether or not someone is 'perfect' for me. This can be smart... but it can also stop something potentially great from really having a chance.

 

Love means learning to really love someone for who they are, despite their faults. It doesn't mean finding someone who is perfect, because that person doesn't exist.

 

You can give him a true chance and still decide that you don't feel enough, but I just think at this point you kinda owe it to him to really think about it. It does sound like he treats you great, like he is one of the 'good ones'. Maybe he is a slightly timid puppy dog.. but that probably means he isn't an arrogant, cheating weasel. Maybe you were expecting something inbetween.. but the person we imagine doesn't always walk into our life exactly as we dreamed them. For first love... well... at that point I think we sometimes don't know what we want, so we are naturally more open. But speaking from the viewpoint of someone jaded by broken love, everyone after that has standards to live up to, and I know sometimes it is unfair of me to expect so much rather than just appreciating what's in front of me. I still fail at it sometimes, but I think I'm starting to get it.

[Batya33]

A question about what you said about getting space. That "since he is a nice guy he will give you what you need." What if he is giving you what you need not because he wants to but out of fear of losing you if he doesn't? Are you comfortable with that?

[Considerate Empath]

To me, gradle, I have to say you come off as more and more selfish the longer this thread goes on. I mean - now you're keeping him around in order to see if or when (with no expiration date on the when?) you'll start to like him romantically.

 

If you were to break up, 'the talk' would probably go something like this if you're the one dumping him: "...I've been thinking hard about this for a few months, trying to see if I could start to like you the way I used to when we first started dating - but I just can't..." and wrap it up with the 'lets stay friends'-part.

 

Wouldn't you rather be able to truthfully tell him days or at least weeks, instead of months?

 

It'll be you who decides whether to stay with him or not, but at least try and not drag the decision out for too long.

 

 

Imagine the scenario in which he dumps you tomorrow - and how you would feel about that might answer your dilemma.

 

//C.E.

[tiredofvampires]

Sometimes we can go into a relationship fully open and blinded to a person's faults, and we KNOW that it is love... but it is on shaky ground, because sooner or later we begin to realize their downfalls.

 

Wow, this brings me a rather sad epiphany:

 

How to tell you are in love: the person does so many things wrong, but you go out of your way to pretend they don't matter

 

How to tell you are not in love: the person does so many things right, but you go out of your way to find what is wrong with them

[gradle]

wow.

 

ok. a lot has happened. so this boy i was dating, the really sweet one? he brought me a card the other day. of course it referred to me as "pal" which he constantly did earlier in the relationship, even while we were dating and seeing each other every day and kissing, etc. ugh.

i think that was the biggest sign. he is just being weird. i don't know.

 

anyways. the surprise? i met someone else. well someone i knew. i didn't realize that i would like him, but i do! and i'm really excited. and now i'm remembering what it's supposed to feel like. and i know i do need to break it off with nice guy. no no, nothing has happened with the new boy. but it was a definite sign. and since i took this new boy to a work party (just as a friend), i have a feeling word got back to the nice guy, b/c he hasn't called me since (it's been 3 days).

 

ok, i have not done anything with the new guy! and nothing was done at the party, maybe a little innocent flirting. so i don't think i've done anything wrong. except i suppose, string the nice boy along. but in all fairness. i think he was being really iffy for a while too. which makes me feel better. although, i think had he been more assertive, i would have fallen for him faster.

 

so you guys are right. i think i need to have a talk with him.

[annie24]

good luck gradle - it sounds like the new guy might be better suited for you. i guess just talk to nice guy and tell him you don't see the relationship progressing into something more serious, so you should break it off and see others. no real easy way to say that, i guess it is difficult no matter what. best case scenario he agrees with you, and you two can part ways.

[gradle]

ok, so i called him today to have the talk. we hadn't spoken in about 3 days.

turns out a really good friend of his from home died in the last couple of days and he's been insanely depressed and crying.

 

i couldn't do it. i know that's awful, but i couldn't hurt him like that when he's already feeling so bad. is it just terrible of me to wait a few more days? how long should i wait?

[annie24]

oh no....... i think it's fine for you to wait, at least until after the funeral, give it some time. maybe breaking up with him right now isn't the best option. some people will say 'don't lie, just do it' but i don't believe in breaking up with someone when something like this JUST happened. i'd wait.... it sounds like he needs time to himself these days anyways.

[gradle]

thanks annie, i think you're right. in the mean time i'm going to tell this new guy about him so he and i can take it slow.

 

i feel really bad for the nice guy. he really is a wonderful person and i wish i were the right person for him.

[Batya33]

I'm a bit suspicious that what appeals to you most about New Guy is that he's new, he's somewhat of a challenge and you get the thrill of the chase rather than puppy dog. Not sure how much it has to do with "him"

[gradle]

don't worry batya, i've wondered this myself. i guess we'll have to find out? that's the only way it seems that i ever learn anything, is to make my own mistakes. i just try to make educated mistakes.

i meant, i'm probably not the right girl for the puppy dog. i'm saying he's a wonderful guy, and just hearing him talk about his friends and family warms my heart. but i just don't get that warm exciting tingly feeling that i'm getting with this new guy. so now that i realized that i CAN get that feeling...i'm going to go with it. how else do you find that crazy love?

[Batya33]

I did the same as you many years ago and really regretted it. That new tingly love may mature into true love or it may be infatuation, thrill of the chase, whatever. I am not saying you need to date someone you are not into, but abandoning him for that new thrilling feeling might not be the best approach.

 

I was 23, had just broken an engagement and met two men simultaneously who happened to know each other. There was "S" - who was 3 years older than me, solid, stable, a bit insecure, really into me from the first. Then there was M, who was kind of distant, totally "cool," very hot looking, loved to go out partying/dancing all night, fairly indifferent about me (although asked me out once in awhile), and I was nuts about him of course. S knew about M from the beginning, M learned about S about a month in (because he was only asking me out every 10-14 days or so).

 

About two months in S pressured me for a commitment - wanted me to end things with M. M still was indifferent and I still was over the moon. When I was with M i was so in awe/smitten I could barely speak. when I was with S I felt comfortable and liked kissing him but without that smittendom.

 

Of course I went with M. Pined over him for months, then years. He broke my heart a few times, came back, proposed and I declined because after 2.5 years of a rollercoaster and then .5 years of M seeing the light - he wanted to marry me - I realized that with all the smittendom and hot fooling around, I wasn't known or understood by him - I couldn't relax and I'd be lonely being married to him. (Later I learned that he realized after we broke up he was gay (no signs at all when I was with him - but that's another story)

 

So.... I realized - wow, what a mistake, - I should have gone with S - we got along so well, we had decent chemistry, and I mistook lack of interest for lack of thrill of the chase. But S was already dating someone who was soooo into him it was nauseating. I tried to get S to meet up with me and he strongly considered it but declined (understandably). He married her.

 

That was many years ago. I stopped "wanting" S years ago but it took a long time (I never acted on it again though but kept tabs through a friend until he married.).

 

Just think about it.

[gradle]

argh. trust me. i do. about every 5 minutes.

i know the tingly feeling can be tricky, b/c you lose yourself in it. and i'm really scared to lose myself. really scared.

 

i didn't know all that had happened batya. that's crazy!

[Batya33]

lol - sometimes I can't believe it either! I am still friends with "M" - he is in a happy long term relationship. Look, I had just gotten out of an engagement with an "older" man of 26 and the last thing I wanted was Mr. Stable/solid (i.e. boring to me at that time) when I could have the hot, charming, awesome dancer who took my breath away and who I had to strategize about constantly so that I wouldn't do something stupid like call him and sound like a groupie.

[grymoire]

I can completely understand this. I have come to realize many things about women... things that they necessarily are not willing to accept. But it is the truth anyway... at least that's what I think

 

No offense to women but I think given the two evils of "rudeness" and "weakness" they can put up with the former but not the latter. When her guy is rude, mean, not calling her, she will be angry with him but she will not lose the respect for him. Those traits (rudeness, meaness etc) are very manly. But if the same guy is too nice to her and agrees to whatever she says she will quickly lose the respect for him. She may not be angry at him but his value in her eyes goes down... She will see him as a weak and unmanly guy.

 

If a girl is attracted to a guy and he happens to be very strong, confident, macho, but rude, mean, uncaring, unemotional and even sleep around the girl will still cling on to him. But if she is dating a guy that is nice, caring, sensitive to her needs, but too nice, weak, kissing her rear end all the time, too available then she will lose the respect for him and will dump him in no time.

 

This is perhaps why we often see a girl clinging on to her jerk boyfriend for a very long time but is quick to dump her nice guy boyfriend.

 

just my 2 cents..

[NewPhillyGuy]

Just one of those mysteries. My feeling is that the girls who act like this probably are just VERY immature. Just a few days ago, my cousin advised me, "getting married before 40 is a MISTAKE." I never asked him his thinking behind it, but I'm starting to get why.

 

I don't think you'll read about many women between 35-45 complaining about little things like the OP. They are happy to have found a guy who has a good job, sweet and caring, committed to her, and open to having a family. I don't know what else a person could want, but then, you have people like the OP (shallow, in my opinion)who are willing to dump you because of how you move your arms when you talk or your accent. You WOULD THINK if it annoyed her THAT MUCH, the person would not have pursued a relationship in the first place. She could have stopped it at the FIRST DATE. Instead, she goes for a relationship and now is driving the poor guy into the ground over things that are totally harmless anyway. Again, she COULD HAVE refused to date him if they REALLY bothered her in the first place.

 

Now, this girl is talking about ANOTHER GUY....what do you think is the REAL reason why she wants to dump him? The accent or the new guy....

 

I'd drop $100 that she met the new guy and is now just looking for an "excuse" to dump the old guy, so she's coming up with these reasons, because she knows what she's doing is wrong and feels guilty. It's baloney, utter stupidity, and shows a real lack of consideration or sophistication on her part. She'll learn when she's old and single. Batya learned when she dropped S for M, who sounds like he was just messing with her anyway.

[amtjrtcet]

your'e very right. i very well might not deserve this guy.

 

at the same time. i want someone who loves himself enough. someone who is confident. i work very hard at everything i do. i'm far from perfect, i have a lot of weird habits myself, i have been dumped for no good reason myself.

 

i want to give him a chance. but he has to listen to me. he has to.

 

i think he's very attractive, but i don't want to do anything with him. he's starting to turn more into a friend. and that worries me. he's a great kisser, and his touch is really sweet. but i need someone who is confident. i find that sexy.

 

I don't think you are 'undeserving' of this guy in any sense. All those qualities that are driving you nuts would drive me nuts too.

 

Confidence includes not always having to be touched, complimented, cuddled, etc. I completely understand where you're coming from.

 

He does sound like a really 'nice' guy. But I know I wouldn't find him sexy.

 

Maybe he's just not right for you, but that doesn't mean you don't 'deserve' him.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

He's not a traditional man, is he? This isn't necessarily a bad thing at all, but its nice to have someone with backbone, joie de vivre and attitude, isn't it? Yep.

 

This is just him..and it doesn't seem like it suits you.

x

[Batya33]

Well, Phillyguy, I don't consider myself "old and single" any more than those of my friends who got married in their 20s and are now miserable or divorced consider themselves "old and miserable" or "old and divorced." And if I changed at all in what I look for in a man - I changed in wanting someone with more of a backbone and less eager to please from a perspective of insecurity. I also focus less on looks/physique but that has nothing to do with even an ounce of desperation on my part - nothing to do with "settling" -I just developed different tastes and "wants" as I got older. I think in my 20s I got a thrill out of being with Mr. Gorgeous - but now since I feel mighty fine on my own I don't need to have anything flashy on my body or on my arm. That meant that I could choose men who I felt attracted to even if they were not Mr. Gorgeous.

 

I know plenty of 20-somethings who fit the "old and single" category because they are so jaded that it ages them. I am not and it has little to do with my current relationship because I felt the same at 38 when I was unattached for the first half of the year. And the same at other "unattached" times too.

 

I would rather be single than date a puppy dog - I do not want nice things done for me by Mr. I don't have a backbone - it's burdensome to accept nice things from a person like that because sooner or later they resent it and hold in the resentment and when it comes out- watch out!

 

In my M and S example (not to be confused with S&M lol) S was "nicer" than M and perhaps had some minor puppy dog traits but no matter what at that time I would have gone for the gorgeous, larger than life, charming, thrill-a-minute "M" even though he was emotionally distant with me. As I wrote, at the end of it all he pursued me heavily to get me to marry him but I saw the light and the right thing to do. You are right, at times he did not treat me properly but he was very serious about me (too bad he also was in denial about his orientation, oh well).

 

So- I think there are always going to be women who get desperate -sometimes they are in their 30s or near 40 and "settle" to have that baby - but the people I know and like - are strong, self-sufficient women who are a blast to be around, who are always doing interesting things with their lives - and settling for them would be a real drag and inconsistent with what they believe in.

[NewPhillyGuy]

Batya, just wanted to clarify that I was not trying to be insulting to you or call you old.

 

Let me revisit an extract from the original post for a second.

 

"He’s the nicest, sweetest, most considerate guy. And I know I would be lucky to end up marrying someone who is this caring. And he’s cute too. Also, one good thing is that he hasn’t pressured me to do anything physically-we’ve been dating 4 months, and all we’ve done is kissed, which is frustrating sometimes, but in the end I like it. I guess I would like the opportunity to at least turn him down."

 

The OP speaks very positively about this guy, and then ends it with she would like to turn him down? Gotta say, sounds very mean-spirited to me.

 

Don't know what else to say. I don't think it's a matter of him not having a backbone, which is what alot of people seem to be saying is the negative about this guy. The only thing that I read about him that makes me think that is OP mentioning he doesn't like to try things if he's not knowledgeable. I don't think that makes him a slug though. Maybe he just doesn't want to make a fool of himself or something lol.

 

I dunno, man. When I read about people on here complaining about getting cheated on, etc and I read a post complaining about a guy calling her baby, it's just like GIVE ME A BREAK already! I think this girl really needs to date a guy who will treat her like crap, so she will appreciate a decent guy.

 

He has some quirks that the OP does not like. So what? Then, dump the guy already and quit complaining about it. Instead, what is she doing? Stringing the guy along and in the meantime starting it up with another guy. Am I surprised? No. I just can't wait until her thread called "how do I get him back?"

[grymoire]

I think this girl really needs to date a guy who will treat her like crap, so she will appreciate a decent guy.

 

Yes, she needs to date a jerk that is very manly and aggressive. If he has lots of sex with her but doesn't call her often or is not that caring she will still put up with it. She will cling on to him even stronger and hope that somehow he will like her and with time fall in love with her.

 

Nice guys like her current boyfriend are not her type. She won't respect them.

[Batya33]

I read from her posts that he was insecure, clingy and had no backbone. The opposite is not someone who treats a person badly, the opposite is someone who is assertive and is unafraid to stand up for himself and respects himself. When someone is nice to me out of being needy and wanting approval I consider that too selfish and not very nice.