I am dating a puppy dog. And I don’t think I can keep it up.

[gradle]

hah! i want to feel wanted sexually. but i know we are not ready in that realm. which is fine. he's probably sensing the same thing. which is why he hasn't made a real move. that's one of the things i end up really respecting about him. how much he respects me.

 

...hmmm....i think complex is a better word....

[gilfer]

To the OP have you actually told him that he is too nice? To him this could be normal. You dont really have hard proof that he is insecure do you? Just check through other threads you will read women complaining that their male partners arent nice enough. Maybe you should try to mimic the way he treats you and see his reaction?

[Momene]

Seems like us guys can't really win!?

 

I've come to the conclusion that what most girls want is "just bad enough".

 

On the other hand, at my age, if I was single and decided that whatever girls wanted wasn't me, I just wouldn't bother trying to change just to please them. You can change your behaviour but you shouldn't change "you" and a partner shouldn't expect that of anyone.

[gilfer]

Girls dont know what they want, it takes a real women to know exactly what she wants. Comes with experience i guess.

[citygirl25]

and no one realizes it!!! I cant tell you how many "nice guys" I've had to break up with because they are nice to the point where they are so needy and clingy it makes me sick. they ruin it for themselves by being so desperate they chase the girl away. and plenty of girls are guilty of this too. how interesting is someone who wants to smother you, who has no mind of their own and who is nice to the point of being a doormat? and who the hell wants to be with someone 24/7 when you have just met?? the last guy I dated seemed like a great guy on date number one. by the second date he wanted to see me every other day, was constantly hounding me all day long at work with emails and text messages, telling me he loved me and acting like a winy baby when i told him i didnt want to see him on any given night. needless to say he didnt last long. being nice can easily border on being psychotic and smothering. and girls can be even worse. and then they all wonder why they get the sh*tty end of everything and are always single.

[gradle]

hi guys...

i haven't told him he's too nice...that's not so much the problem. i have told him he shouldn't be buying me so many gifts. that although i like them, that's not something i like to receive a lot and it's not something i'm comfortable with. (i feel almost an obligation...i'm not sure of what, but it's still a bit awkward).

 

and i like that he's so great to his friends, but at the same time, he's being nice to them a lot out of a feeling of obligation, why else would he do nice things and then complain about it. i ask him why he does these things for other people and it's not "b/c i wanted to" it's " well....he doesn't have anyone else around/well, i feel like she doesn't have anyone else to go to/i feel bad b/c no one else might be at his party

not that it's bad that he's doing these things, but when it's overwhelming his time and his personality (literally, these things pop up daily) it takes hours out of his time and then he complains about it.

 

it's great that he does it, and i think it says a lot about him that he is constantly get calls from friends, but if he doesn't really want to do it, then he shouldn't do it! i feel like he's constantly going to be taken advantage of too.

 

i feel like if we were to break up, he'd turn around and complain about having been so sweet to me when it didn't work out.

 

and you're right. it is probably too much for me to ask him to actually change some of his personality traits to appease me. that's ok.

[Batya33]

Do you respect him? (and I mean, including how he handles his friendships?). Would you be ok with him not being able to say "no" in his career or when it's a choice between a lazy Saturday with you and a friend who's car broke down again and he wants a lift to the local superstore to use a coupon?

 

I don't think you should tell him he's too nice - but you should tell him that you sense insecurities in him and you are worried that he won't set limits or boundaries or express his true feelings if he feels there is an issue between you. Not that you "want" to be mean to him of course but we all want to know that if we're cranky, there's a limit beyond which our partner won't tolerate it.

 

For example, I got nitpicky over the weekend while we were on our way to a restaurant. We argued a little and he said that the only way he would go to the restaurant was if I stopped nitpicking on that issue - otherwise he preferred to go back home and eat there later. I respected that and I also respected that when I said that I had one more thing to say on the issue (in a nice way) he was willing to listen to "one more" - he's not "that" rigid which to me is also a sign of healthy boundaries.

 

In that situation, would you boyfriend tolerate the nitpicking or would he set limits? My boyfriend, many years ago (before we dated) used to be "too nice." He changed, thank goodness.

[Momene]

Girls dont know what they want, it takes a real women to know exactly what she wants. Comes with experience i guess.

 

At my age (52) I couldn't handle a "girl" anyway.

[gradle]

i do respect him. he's a great person, and i don't think there are too many of them out there. i just need him to stand up for himself and be more confident. to his friends, coworkers, and to ME!!!

 

i don't care so much that his obligations to help his friends takes him away from me. i care about listening to him complain about it. so why do it?! it's so frustrating sometimes.

 

and he's sweet...but i don't think he's necessarily suffocating, he doesn't call all the time or see me all the time (i've been really busy and just don't have time). but when he's with me i feel suffocated. i just need a partner that i am attracted to that will make me laugh, help me relax, and at the same time have a personal drive and goals.

and i am really worried about his insecurites. i have to talk to him about this stuff..

but i have to finish my school work too

[Batya33]

Do you respect the way he is with others or is his doormat behavior a source of disrespect or a turn off?

[candy604]

sounds like he's insecure and he looks for approval from people. I'm glad you told him to be more confident and if he doesn't want to do something, he shouldn't do it.

 

haha but man i wish I could trade you bf's for a day My bf is totally opposite.

[gradle]

the bottom line is, no i do not respect the fact that he lets himself be a doormat, to me or to others.

 

but..like candy says...i can see the value in having someone who does treat me like queen

[renaissancewoman101]

Gradle, at least you have a bf. A lot of people would trade places with you for a bf that is as nice as he is treating you.

 

I like nice guys, but then I also like guys who can be a bit aloof and "demanding" in some ways.

[candy604]

you got always tell him that just do the gift giving thing during valentines, xmas and all those special dates in the year.

[Batya33]

For me I don't go with the "at least I have a bf" - when I was a teenager I feltt that way but I wouldn't want to be with someone just to avoid being alone. As far as being treated like a queen - i want to be treated that way by someone who welcomes and feels he deserves to be treated with respect and like a "king."

[annie24]

i'd rather be single than be in a crappy relationship. i'd rather spend the night at home, by myself, watching tv, goofing off, rather than out with a man i'm not feeling it for.

[auburnslp]

AMEN to that Annie!!!

[Nixee]

This is a tricky situation and it seems like no matter how much advice you get here, it is going to come down to one thing: either you feel something for him or you don't.

 

Honestly, I had to read this thread because it hit home a bit with me. The guy I'm dating isn't so much a puppy dog as yours by the sounds of it, but he really is much more soft and gentle than I'm used to and there have been times when it has thrown me off. I'm still working through a lot of issues with my ex, and my ex was quite opposite - not only confident, but downright narcissistic. He hurt me horribly, yet... somehow... I still have that primal attraction to a confident man. I think that is natural, confidence is just a turn on.

 

It sounds to me like if you have any sort of feeling for this man, you need to talk to him (gently) about some of your concerns. Your relationship is new, and sometimes people act a bit different at that stage. You say yourself that you haven't even slept with him, and that can do funny things to a guy. Is it possible he is going overboard with the sweetness because he is trying to keep you? Maybe he had a bad relationship in the past and he is overcompensating?

 

It seems like you can't go on as you are, so either way, you are going to have to talk to him and find out if it is just who he is, or if some of it is an act he can change.

 

Do you two share connections otherwise? Goals? Values? Wants in life? Beliefs? If he is good partner material for you, you should really think about things.

 

With my own b/f, thankfully I've begun to realize that he really is a great partner to me, and even things that sort of put me off at the beginning have begun to be somewhat comforting instead. All I had to do was realize that I have the kind of man who I'd feel most comfortable with by my side as I raise kids and grow older.

 

As you start to let someone into your heart, things like mannerisms become much less important. Actions speak louder than words... or feminine hand gestures even.

[Batya33]

I think there is a big difference between confident and arrogant but I agree confidence enhances - or can even create - chemistry. One of the main reasons my bf and I got back together after many years apart was that he grew in confidence and when we met again after years apart, sparks flew. A main reason it did not work out the first time around was the lack of confidence. I found it hard back then to rationalize "well, he will be a great father and provider and a best friend" - I needed that edge - that chemistry - that for me only healthy confidence could provide.

 

I thought your post was so insightful and helpful and I hope the OP re-reads it a few times (I may, too!)

 

Good luck with your relationship - it sounds very healthy!

[JadedStar]

One of the main reasons my bf and I got back together after many years apart was that he grew in confidence and when we met again after years apart, sparks flew. A main reason it did not work out the first time around was the lack of confidence

 

Another part of our story that is similar batya. Was the same exact way with my husband.

[servedcold]

Going to side with siriana on this, you should move on. You and this man are obviously not suited for one another. Some women like a more sensitive, effeminate man, you plainly do not, and I think you are in the majority, and totally within your rights to feel this way. He's not going to suddenly turn into a man of at least average masculinity overnight, and to be blunt, if his hormonal balance is leaning this far towards estrogenic this early on in what should be the "hot" stage, imagine what he will be like down the road. Honestly, I think there's a good chance he's gay based on what you write. Best wishes.

[Momene]

Strangely enough, I've known men with feminine sides to their characters who are "straight" sexually and masculine "manly" men who are gay.

[gradle]

nixee....

 

i completely see what you're saying. i dated a guy that i was totally in love with for several years. he was also very narcissistic (i doubt i spelled that right), and ended up breaking my heart. i've had a very hard time letting someone else in....and that hit home several weekends ago. so much so that i couldn't stop crying for almost two days!

 

this is part of the reason i'm having such an issue with this. i feel like i'm really ready to try to love someone again. but with these many nitpicky issues...maybe he's not the one? i feel like i'm always hurting his feelings. i honestly, genuinely, never want to do that.

 

there are times that i think of him as just a friend almost, that i sometimes kiss...but there are times that i look at him and i think he's so attractive (he's quite cute!). i think i can think of him as a friend b/c i really don't feel the need to impress him. and although he's great....i don't think i really look up to him. there are times if he walks into my apt, he doesn't kiss me, he's just waiting for me to kiss him. i boycott it. i'm mad! if he wants a kiss, he needs to reach over, grab me, pull me to him, and f'ing kiss me dammit! we have spent nights together where we cuddle, but don't kiss at all.

 

i know a little about his past relationship. he dated someone about 10 years older for about 2 years and he almost moved to another coast for her, when things fell apart and he decided not to. she has contacted him, but he doesn't seem to even want to see her. i feel no insecurities about their relationship...although when he told me it seemed like he was trying to be gentle.

 

i believe we have similar beliefs...and we're both very much alike. my closest friends will tell you i'll do anything for any of them. and it's true. it just seems like he'll do anything for anyone. and our mannerisms are alike too...but i do find that annoying sometimes. we have slightly different backgrounds, his is comes from a very....backwoods family ...mine is a bit more exotic. we both partied a lot and rebelled in our youth. i feel like his goal is to get married soon. and i do want to get married and have kids...i'm just nervous right now. i also really love my career and my education. i want to be successful and i want to marry someone that wants that too. and i don't want to live where i am for very long. these are things i KNOW that i want. i don't quite feel comfortable asking him what he wants to do. i don't really want him to think that i'm judging him on that. i know he's looked at different jobs and gotten interviews....but he keeps pushing them back or canceling them. also, he's scared to do a lot of things. i'm not. i'm not saying i'm fearless. but when it comes to being adventurous....i LOVE it. and i think he is just nervous about what people will think of him if he does worse than others or something.

 

about him being gay. it is a distinct possibility. oddly enough, his best friend from home is gay, and they went to college together, so all of his college roommates were gay. i'm not saying that makes him gay or his hand movements make him gay. i'm thinking that's a good reason he is somewhat feminine in those hand motions (and i'm a bit embarrassed to discuss that) and probably why he's more sensitive too. he has one or two gay friends here, but most of them are very straight men (they adore him too). but when his gay best friend comes to visit, people have literally come up to me and asked me if they were a couple. (i do think his best friend is great, but it almost seems like they have similar insecurities).

[gradle]

i also really respected him. b/c i know when his college roommate came out of the closet, he stood by him while others didn't. i think that's awesome.

[gradle]

oddly enough. i feel like he can read my mind. anytime something happens w/ an ex...or even now...he seems to sense it.

he's stayed away the last few days...

i hope he doesn't know i'm posting. that might hurt his feelings. and i would miss him.