Pegasus Posted November 25, 2007 Share Posted November 25, 2007 Not all women want a guy who is a pushover. Some of us who are very independent and who are assertive NEED - no we crave - that in our partners. So how this does not make you needy?? Link to comment
gradle Posted November 25, 2007 Author Share Posted November 25, 2007 hi annie! how are you? you're right. i do tend to go for more aloof men (some would even call them a#$%@$...) i think i do want a relationship. i want someone who i really care about and who cares about me, who helps to stabilize my life. i want someone who intellectually stimulates me and keeps me laughing. at the same time. i feel like i'm not settled. i know i'm not living where i want to be living, i want to travel a ton, i want to move accross the country. but i love my job so much and i am in school....so for me to be in a relationship while thinking about moving....it's hard? i don't want to hurt someone, at the same time i don't want to meet someone who i feel like will tie me down and keep me here. i guess i'm conflicted? as always... Link to comment
JadedStar Posted November 25, 2007 Share Posted November 25, 2007 So how this does not make you needy?? There is a HUGE difference in a person who knows what they need out of a relationship and one who is "needy" as in needing a lot of time and attentiveness, and constant ego strokes. Having a need, and being needy, are two very different things. I figured that was a gimmie. A person who knows what they want and need in a partner does not mean they are needy. Someone who doesn't even know what they need out of a partner can become wishy washy. I know what I want and didn't settle for less. I woudln't settle for a partner who needed my constant affirmation. It becomes boring and tedious. When we are dating someone and if we are looking for a long term relationship we should know ahead of time what our deal breakers are and what the top traits are. We should prioritize if a trait isn't there decide if the overall package is okay. I would hope if i date a man he does the same wtih me. The first few months of dating is an assessment period out of both parties. Someone who ignores redflags because they think they 'should' be crazy about this person usually ends up in a very dead end situation at some point. I also find it a redflag when a man early on - in those first few critical months where you are still getting to know each other - professes undying love and saying things like he'll die without you, or other romantic notions that are way too soon to determine if they are true or not. Nine times out of ten this kind of person - male or female - is desperately in love with being in love. I like a guy who is confident and assertive. Those are biggies to me, and I can overlook somethings if they are not deal breakers. My husband for instance is not a perfect man, as I am not a perfect woman, but the overall package works for us very well and the things we have clashed on we have learned the art of compromise. Since he did possess the biggies for me, stability, assertiveness and confidence, i was able to work with some of the things that were not so perfect. He did the same wtih me. Link to comment
Siriana Posted November 25, 2007 Share Posted November 25, 2007 Oh, just dump him. he's not your type. Link to comment
annie24 Posted November 25, 2007 Share Posted November 25, 2007 ^^^^ c'mon siriana - tell us how you really feel. Link to comment
Aleadragonhawk Posted November 25, 2007 Share Posted November 25, 2007 I think that the bottom line is this. You're unhappy in your relationship and there are many things that you feel need to change not just about the relationship but about your partner for you to be happy. Everyone has to change some when they come into a relationship, but I think that the sheer amount about your partner that you want to change shows that you are incompatible. If all you wanted to change was the "psssh!" then you probably could without much of a problem. The list of everything you want to change, though, is inching up towards ten or more items. If you have to change everything about a person to be in a happy relationship with them, I think that is a pretty big clue that they aren't the right person for you. If you really want to be with this person (and this advice holds for new relationships in the immediate future) I suggest backing off a great deal and only seeing your boyfriend perhaps once or twice a week. Because of your school situation and personality, you will not be happy right now with a relationship that involves spending much time together. Link to comment
Tethys Posted November 25, 2007 Share Posted November 25, 2007 He fits the bill in many respects, but bottom line... you are not that attracted to him. It happens. Link to comment
auburnslp Posted November 25, 2007 Share Posted November 25, 2007 yep-I agree again...lots of good advice on this thread Link to comment
Seymore Posted November 25, 2007 Share Posted November 25, 2007 You ARE very lucky. Would you rather have a guy with a closed fist than a limp wrist? I am one of those nice guys, always having been turned down because I was quote - "too nice". It drove me nuts. If I got a gift for a girl, it was because I was thinking of her, not because I was looking for some sort of approval. I could get that by speaking to her. And the gifts weren't always a necklace, etc., maybe one week I'd burn a CD of songs that reminded me of her, I'd write a poem the next. After enough "too nice"s, I decided to just not care. I wouldn't be an ass to a girl, I just would say "yeah, I like her, but what's the use in giving her gifts?" Then I heard "So-and-so got flowers. Why don't you ever do that for me?" Damned if you do, damned if you don't. And as for watching you sleep - be glad a guy will look at you, let alone think you're so beautiful he'd just want to admire you. Granted, I don't sit there staring at my girlfriend for a half hour every morning, but every so often I'll roll over, see her face and just try and figure out this wonderful feeling inside of me. And the hand on your belly thing? I don't understand the big deal about it. You're acting like he grabbed your butt or something. It sounds to me like you've got a good guy there. Enjoy it. And given the fact that you've given up on great guys for stupid reasons, I think you should REALLY step back and enjoy what you've had. Either that or date an average joe to get some perspective. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 25, 2007 Share Posted November 25, 2007 I think giving also means considering the other person's feelings. If you are giving even though the other person might feel a bit overwhelmed or "too much too soon" then I question the motives behind the "giving" behavior. The opposite doesn't mean being a jerk it just means putting in the effort to get to know someone as an individual and learning what works for them as far as "giving." For some, what works is being wined and dined, for others, a two minute phone call to say "I get it" about a certain frustrating incident means more than CDs with her favorite songs. when one of my best friends was dying I wanted to rush over there, bring her food, CDs whatever would bring a smile. What she wanted the most from me was for me (and everyone else except her husband) to stay away and give her space. I deferred to what she wanted. I do that in many of my friendships - even if I "feel like" being there for the person if I sense that what the person really wants is space I prioritize her needs over my desire to be there. Link to comment
Siriana Posted November 25, 2007 Share Posted November 25, 2007 ^^^^ c'mon siriana - tell us how you really feel. Hm...I get this line on ena very often maybe I should sometimes keep quiet lol Link to comment
gradle Posted November 25, 2007 Author Share Posted November 25, 2007 hmmm...i think i agree with dragon hawk. he's awesome. but maybe not the right guy for me? i think if i had met him when i was 16 and had all of my ideals i would be smitten. but at this age, when my values have changed. i'm just too independent. at the same time, i don't want to hurt him and make a huge mistake for myself. i want to be a bit more confident in my decision to end it with someone so wonderful. i think i'll cut down on seeing him some, allowing me to get some more of my work done, and hopefully him to go out and just have a good time. in the mean time, i guess i should mention some of the things that are driving me nuts. maybe he'll be able to see my point of view. if not, then he wont. maybe he'll tell ME things that are annoying about ME! that would be awesome. boofie, the gift giving, it's nice and everything. but i don't need gifts. some girls might. but i need a guy who will make me laugh and keep me on my toes (not necessarily about the relationship, but life in general). i don't need sappy poems, or necklaces, or tons of wine or flowers. those things are nice, but that's not what true love is. ok, every now and then that's nice, but it's just suffocating to do it too much. those things should be nice surprises, i shouldn't come to expect them. if i do want something very badly. don't worry, i'll get it for myself. it's funny. b/c i think of some of the other people that i dated that i was smitten with. and if they had done some of the things that he does to annoy me (which in some cases they did), i would have considered it endearing. funny how that works. also, i feel like this guy, he knows me, sure. he knows the degrees i graduated with, he knows my schedules, how many brothers and sisters i have. but he doesn't "know" me. to really love me, someone really has to know me. maybe he doesn't love me, i don't know. but either way. i'd prefer someone who is wanting to take the relationship slowly, rather than jumping in. i feel like since before even our first kiss he's been like this...it's a lot of pressure to put on me when i'm not completely sure of it. it's like a guy i dated over the summer. it was like he had a checklist for the perfect girl. he felt like i met all of his criteria...except he wanted us to take dancing lessons--fine with me...except i started to feel like i was always being graded. i'm far from perfect. i just want someone to love me for me, imperfections and everything. not someone who things i'm perfect and who i can only disappoint. Link to comment
Considerate Empath Posted November 25, 2007 Share Posted November 25, 2007 Look at this from another angle for a sec: What would he do if he found out about this? That you have doubts about your relationship, and that what you've written have caused many (me included) to suggest breaking up with him? Don't you think you owe it to him and yourself to at least voice your opinions to him and either ask him to change or to break it off right there, depending on your feelings and his reaction towards your words? And if you need some time alone in order to get some work done, you should be able to ask him for that and receive it without complaints. All it takes from you to make this happened is to talk to him. If you talk to him with limits because you don't want to hurt him, that's just the same as keeping secrets from him, and a step away from lying. Eventually you'll have spun a big web of lies, your relationship will rest of a foundation of dishonesty and is doomed to end badly. TALK TO HIM! Just start it off with the usual sentence for bringing up something icky: "Honey, can you come in here? We need to talk." - sit down on the couch/bed and tell him what you want. //C.E. Link to comment
gradle Posted November 26, 2007 Author Share Posted November 26, 2007 haha! OK! I will! can i finish this final first?! Link to comment
JadedStar Posted November 26, 2007 Share Posted November 26, 2007 I agree that she needs to communicate well but I don't think asking if he read what she wrote here or the replies is a good analogy because anonymous forums are to just give a person insight. Many people who write here have a partner who would feel funny reading the replies, that is why it is made to be anonymous if the user so chooses. We all need advice sometimes. But I do agree that she needs to communicate what she feels is going on here and see if they can come to a compromise. Link to comment
gradle Posted November 26, 2007 Author Share Posted November 26, 2007 thank you jaded! i really appreciate that. i've become very timid about posting here b/c i seem to always get yelled at for how my SO would feel. but i don't mean it to be disrespectful to him, i'm just trying to figure out what i'm thinking. it's not quite so cut and dry for me as it seems like it is for others. i'm conflicted on so many levels on decisions regarding relationships. (funny how i'm not so much on those regarding education and my work...and those are what i'm pretty successful in). i do try to take into consideration my SO's feelings, but at the same time, don't i have to work my way through these feelings so i can become a better partner...with him or a future partner? Link to comment
JadedStar Posted November 26, 2007 Share Posted November 26, 2007 thank you jaded! i really appreciate that. i've become very timid about posting here b/c i seem to always get yelled at for how my SO would feel. but i don't mean it to be disrespectful to him, i'm just trying to figure out what i'm thinking. it's not quite so cut and dry for me as it seems like it is for others. i'm conflicted on so many levels on decisions regarding relationships. (funny how i'm not so much on those regarding education and my work...and those are what i'm pretty successful in). i do try to take into consideration my SO's feelings, but at the same time, don't i have to work my way through these feelings so i can become a better partner...with him or a future partner? Not sure why you would get yelled at about how your SO would feel about you posting on a forum so that you can better arm yourself with information. No one should concern themselves with you asking for help. That is why this forum is here! That is silly. These forums exist so that people can get help anonymously. Link to comment
citygirl25 Posted November 26, 2007 Share Posted November 26, 2007 I disagree. just because a guy is 'nice' doesnt mean he is going to make someone happy. both women AND men can pick up on when someone is insecure, desperate and screaming for attention and love.....its a turnoff. she clearly senses these things or she wouldnt want advice. no one wants a winy, clingy little baby. women dont want a man who is nice to the point its pathetic, who lacks confidence, who is desperate and screaming for love. yes, we want a good man who is kind and loves us but we want a MAN. that means someone who has confidence in himself and who doesnt act like a big baby all the time. dont stay with him just because he is so nice and you feel like you should. there are plenty of nice guys out there with confidence who will treat you the way you deserve without axing there masculinity in a process. Link to comment
haner Posted November 26, 2007 Share Posted November 26, 2007 You say you want to be loved for who you are (faults and all), yet you don't seem capable of doing the same for your boyfriend. You nitpick at all his little idiosynchrasies. You have two options: dump him or communicate to him effectively that you feel he is smothering you. By the way, my SO tells me I'm perfect all the time. It's called figurative speech. I feel nice and warm hearing it from her, it wasn't meant to be literally interpreted. Honestly, you sound very selfcentered and rather immature/angsty about love. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted November 26, 2007 Share Posted November 26, 2007 Yes, it absolutely IS a turn off. So many men get upset saying "nice guys always lose". Fellas, it is not the "nice" that causes problems, it is when "nice" is coupled iwth insecurities and neediness that are not attractive. This is not a gender thing. As a matter of fact this plagues women even more than men, you just don't hear women complaining as much that her niceness is a problem. Many women have the foresight to know it is not her being nice it is other insecurities she posssesses that needs some tweaking. Nice is nice. NIce coupled with a need for constant affirmation, and always needing to be around you and smothering is NOT nice for males or females. My husband is a nice guy. But he is not smothering, so i think people who get upset thinking nice guys are crapped on are forgetting that many nice guys are happily in love....maybe they are nice but not clingy, whiney or insecure. Link to comment
haner Posted November 26, 2007 Share Posted November 26, 2007 When someone says "you're perfect" it means they accept you for who you are, faults and all. Instead, you interpret him as worshipping you and not accepting your faults. Is that not utterly conceited of you? Your boyfriend can't win when your mind is already made up. Link to comment
gradle Posted November 26, 2007 Author Share Posted November 26, 2007 "You say you want to be loved for who you are (faults and all), yet you don't seem capable of doing the same for your boyfriend. You nitpick at all his little idiosynchrasies. You have two options: dump him or communicate to him effectively that you feel he is smothering you. By the way, my SO tells me I'm perfect all the time. It's called figurative speech. I feel nice and warm hearing it from her, it wasn't meant to be literally interpreted. Honestly, you sound very selfcentered and rather immature/angsty about love." Haner, that's why i'm posting! i've realized that i'm being a brat to him. that i don't find his habits endearing. it's not that i don't see that. i'm not blind! and i've said that i'll talk to him! in fact. if you'd read through this, you'd know that i have started to talk to him about some of it. sometimes it works and he seems to be working at things, other times, he just seems hurt. and i don't blame him! maybe i am self centered...maybe i should be a little? it's my love life too! i think it's ok, i'm just trying to figure out what I want. i'm not married to the man. i'm just dating him. and it's only been 4 months, not 4 years. if the right guy for me is someone like him, that's great, if not, then i'll move on...and guess what?! he'll move on too! and it's different when an SO tells you that your perfect, versus TREATS you like you're perfect. i'm far from perfect. any and all of my exes, friends, family will tell you that. in fact i still have insecurites because they have told me that. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted November 26, 2007 Share Posted November 26, 2007 You are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! It is YOUR love life too. YOu are not obligated in this life to return all feelings that are bestowed upon you. If that were the way it worked we wouldn't NEED forums like this. But truth is feelings are not something you can control and sometimes we just don't feel it as strongly as we'd like even if the person looks great on paper. Link to comment
gradle Posted November 26, 2007 Author Share Posted November 26, 2007 yes, but if they actually treat you like you are perfect, there is nothing you can do but disappoint them. people have to accept you as they are. if you're "perfect for them" that's great. but there's no such thing as perfect. Link to comment
Beezlebub Posted November 26, 2007 Share Posted November 26, 2007 I am dating a puppy dog. And I don’t think I can keep it up. He’s the nicest, sweetest, most considerate guy. And I know I would be lucky to end up marrying someone who is this caring. And he’s cute too. Also, one good thing is that he hasn’t pressured me to do anything physically-we’ve been dating 4 months, and all we’ve done is kissed, which is frustrating sometimes, but in the end I like it. I guess I would like the opportunity to at least turn him down. And at least once a week, he brings me a gift…a cd, flowers, a little random gift. He brought up taking a trip together in a few months…and that’s starting to make me nervous. This is EXACTLY why women are insane! Where's the logic to that? Link to comment
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