I am dating a puppy dog. And I don’t think I can keep it up.

[tiredofvampires]

I have not read this entire thread, which I usually like to do to get as much information as possible before I comment. But I am already having a very strong feeling about this situation, with some of the points I've just highlighted up above as revealing things you've said.

 

OVERALL: This is going to sound blunt, but I do not feel that you love this man. There is nothing inherently wrong with not loving someone (or, perhaps, being not in love with). What is wrong is continuing to try to do so, while having contempt for just about everything about them, from their voice, to their bodily mannerisms, to the way they express affection physically to their career attitude, on and on and on. Your love for him is an intellectual wish to be able to like him more, because you know he is sweet and decent. Well, you say you want to be loved for who you are, all your imperfections -- and yet you do not love this man for who he is. You desire someone with different characteristics. You are attracted to a different personality. I am not judging you for not being into him, but this is the truth: "She just isn't that into you, dude." She, being you, of course. And you could try to start with one small irksome habit at a time and chip away more and more at the litany of things you can't stand, to try to "let him know how you feel about this", but it's not going to change his personality, his mannerisms, his style, his characteristics. He's been doing them for over 20 years. He can only be hurt by your lack of adoring him when he adores you so much. He can only feel more self-conscious than he is, and try to inhibit himself more and more, but this is neither fair to him nor is it going to be good for you, because all that criticism will eventually backfire. No one can feel that criticized and not become resentful. Even the most mealy-mouthed person will.

 

Above, you say you would like feel more confident of leaving someone who is this doting. To try to "cut down on seeing him". As soon as he comes back, you will be irritated once more. What you are trying to do, actually, is phase him out. You know he is not for you. What is the telltalel sign here? You said others you were smitten over, you might have found endearing if they did the things he does, but not him. Every person is a unique mixture of traits, and if you shook them in a jar and re-mixed the traits you like in one person, if the new blend came out with enough of the traits you don't like, the overall effect is that you don't like this combination of traits as a whole. You know?

 

I have had bf's like this, and the man I had the longest relationship with (4.5 years), I took a long time to leave because I was doing what you are: trying to figure out how to either adjust to these things and "learn to love them" or else, change them. BAD, BAD, BAD idea. I loved him from the standpoint that I knew he loved ME, and I loved THAT. I also loved the good heart I knew he had. But I was not in love, and so my mind and my heart were not in concert on this. Your heart is SO not in this. And so my advice is not to taper him off, not to take a break, not to try to talk to him and let him know all the ways he doesn't fit your bill and hope he is a chameleon (which you don't even want; you'd probably end up even resenting him for doing all the things you ask him to do, simply because he is so whipped -- I think you'd actually like him more if he said to you indignantly, "I'll move my hands the way I like to, I don't appreciate your trying to control my every motion!" Maybe then, you'd no longer get irked with it!). My advice is to tell him you have to break it off. It is the only respectful thing -- it's way more respectful than dragging this state of affairs on and on, where you feel so much repugnance offsetting the little moments of liking him.

 

If I had to wager, this man loves you more than you love him. He may not understand you or what you want, but he may still love you from what this sounds like. I do not think he sounds like the paragon of male confidence and self-esteem, but I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that his gifts and displays of affection are a sign of needing approval, or selfish. SOME MEN JUST LOVE THE TRADITIONAL DISPLAYS OF ROMANCE, and giving those to someone. Some men love to pamper, and it is a great pleasure for them, so I think it may be unfair to assume this is some unhealthy thing in any way. Do I want that kind of pampering? Not often, if it's laid on too thick. I tend to be more like you, but my last bf was the epitome of "love to pamper" and I learned that I could get into the feminine role of getting flowers and so forth more than I thought. I was crazy about him, so there was a difference -- he had an edgy, aggressive side that was anything but limp-wristed, and he sure was no puppy dog like your bf, but he was one of those men who love to give gifts, material expressions, extravagances. Overall, it's not my style, but now that I've had it, I hope my next guy does these things more than I had wanted them in the past. Some women really love those things, too -- and eat that stuff up sideways. So he should be freed to find a woman who really clicks with him in that way. Who loves that sappy stuff to the hilt, instead of thinking it makes him look like a doormat.

 

This is not a question of right or wrong, just incompatibility.

 

My ex also used to curl up next to me (I even spooned him a couple of times), hold my tummy (cup it with his hand), and had certain slightly effeminate features. (He told me some people in his past had taken him for gay, and he had plenty of gay friends, but I KNEW he wasn't gay.) I LOVED ALL OF THESE THINGS SO MUCH!!! So you see, to each their own. I found them vulnerable, and just an extension of his sensitivity. It appealed to my nurturing side, but it was balanced by his showering me with the adoration, so it felt balanced. If my guy watched me while I slept, I would find that so loving (I have done that myself, to my guy.) I mean, not every single day, but if you don't live together and only spend the night from time to time, that is not creepy to me, it's just being in love. (On the other hand, my ex was excessive in ways, too, and it did creep me out a bit, so I do understand you.)

 

You don't really like his being this head over heels for you because you don't feel that head over heels for him, and the disparity bothers you.

 

It is all a matter of degree and how much annoyance you can stand. I'd say this one is too far gone. Trust me, I've been where you are. I know what you are going through, and it's not going to work. You are trying to convince yourself that you should do this because you are afraid of throwing away a good catch (since you have a history of narcissists who are by comparison, jerks that make him look like your winning ticket), but to you he is not a good catch for all the other things in that jar that came out in this mix; and fear is a false reason to stay and keep trying to fit a round peg into a square hole. To answer the question you posed above at the very top, no, I think he is not the man for you, you will never be happy with him, and the sooner you bring this to an unwishy-washy close, the faster you can seek the right fit. There are nice guys who are also confident, and assertive men who aren't narcissists.

 

When you find where they're at, let me know too, if you would...

 

Another poster said all this in two sentences, but I just had to ramble a bit, sorry.

[gradle]

it's ok.i appreciate your ramble. and you're right. i am worried that i' might be throwing away a good catch. ugh.

[Batya33]

I agree with most of what you said but I have to say - it is a great thing when you are inspired to change by someone who loves you and who makes it safe to discuss the things that need changing and cares enough to support you in changing. Obviously that means that the person has to want to change and looks to her or his partner for the support in changing. but I am in favor of a loving partner saying to me something like "look how upset you get over [x] - is that really worth it to you? have you thought of doing [y] instead?"

 

Now, nitpicking, I agree, can create distance - and nitpicking happens in most relationships to some extent - and often it's after the honeymoon phase is over- that period of adjustment. it's "the extent" to which it happens and the nitpicker's understanding that he/she has to choose her battles carefully and ultimately, accept that while there might be some change it won't be dramatic.

[tiredofvampires]

it's ok.i appreciate your ramble. and you're right. i am worried that i' might be throwing away a good catch. ugh.

 

Believe me, I know. All too well.

I think part of this fear of throwing a good thing away is -- believe it or not, a lurking sense of insecurity on your (our) part. Do you not think that you are capable of attracting another good catch?

 

It is that, plus also a feeling of scarcity of good catches. And there, I agree with you. A man that is a good catch on all the important levels is not an easy thing to find, at least in my experience. I think some of this is just plain luck. I have had many "good catches" who are still not THE RIGHT GOOD CATCH.

 

I am not recommending an easy thing. I am saying, take a flying leap of faith over the edge of the safety of the cliff. This man's love for you is safe. Unlike the cads you have known before, who are really not good catches. They may have appealed to you for their "outer" qualities, but their inner ones were less than worthy. This guy has some worthy inside qualities, but the outer ones do not match up for you. Really, both have to be working at the same time. I have beaten myself up many times for being possibly superficial or petty, but I know that I am neither. I am trying to trust more now, as I keep healing from my last relationship (with a narcissist who broke my heart) that I don't have to "settle" for anything. I cannot tell you how many times I've agonized over "throwing away a good catch" because the other relationships were cases of worse men throwing ME away. You can't hang onto something that you feel this remote about (another huge sign to me is that even though he's cute, his looks aren't enough to make you feel passionate towards him -- his other traits prevent that chemistry from igniting.) You can't hang onto something because you'd love to be able to love it.

 

I am sure this is a wonderful man. I am even sure that at first, you will miss him and wonder if you made the biggest mistake in your life. But at your age, there are too many more good catches out there roaming around for you to close the door on, while trying not to tear your hair out in infuriation over this person and feeling guilty that you hurt his feelings.

 

You both deserve to have the chance to be freed to find the right good catch for each of you. Even though it's going to hurt to rip the bandaid off, and it will be sore for a while.

[tiredofvampires]

Speaking to the first paragraph, I am all for that, too -- a safe environment created in a loving relationship, where there is a sense of support and care for a partner's changing for the better. I would certainly WANT my partner, out of love for me, to be able to give me constructive, gentle criticism in a problem-solving way, as you described. But that is not the situation here, and the things that "need changing" in the OP's case are not necessarily things her bf should need to change. He should not need to change his manner or speech, or be asked to. His wasys of demonstrating affection do not need changing, if he were with the right person. It sounds like there are some things in his personality that could really use some constructive, loving support to change (such as being passive and not making his boundaries more clear, and having confidence), but I don't feel that the OP feels the passionate rapport of a partner who wants to help in this way. She simply wants him to be a different him. And some of the things may be really worth his while to change, and a relationship is a great place for that growth to happen. We should be teachers to eachother as lovers! But in this particular relationship, this passionate rapport is lacking and further more as I said, some of the things that bug her are just fixtures about him. She will only hurt his feelings by pointing them out, she won't change them, and actually, they are not flaws. It is not a flaw to curl up next to your gf. If she tried to change that, she would not be appreciating his way of cuddling, and no good can come of that kind of criticism.

 

Which leads to the second paragraph: the nitpicking in this case doesn't come from a wearing off of the honeymoon phase, the nitpicking comes from her just not liking things about him and wishing they were not there. She is not in love with him, so this criticism is just criticism, not a desire to build on a passionate love that is already there to help the person improve and grow.

[gradle]

ok

i'm not in love with him. but who's to say that i can't get past the superficial issues i have and grow to love him? isn't that a possibility that i shouldn't rule out? i realize there are many. but please realize, that i have had crazy burden s the last few months (school, work, family issues, friends dying, ex boyfriends (yes a few of them) popping up in my life one way or the other). my stress level has been off the charts. i sleep less than 4 hours a night just trying to get myself in order. maybe i'm taking it out on him by being this annoyed and bratty?

 

i realize life is always going to have these stress levels...but mine are quite extreme at this point.

 

i agree. his actions aren't flaws at all. some of his personality traits could be worked on...but mine could (yes, and should) be too.

[renaissancewoman101]

I agree, give him a chance, and yes, one can grow to love someone. That I DO believe.

[Poe]

Since when do chicks like insecure guys? I like my women to look and act like women. Nothing wrong with women expecting men to look and act like men.

[gradle]

hah! he's not this crazy feminine man! he looks like a man. he's scruffy a lot, which is hot. he's got the cutest face. he can run further and faster than me! he likes sports! it's just the wrist thing! that's the only thing!

 

i honestly never meant the wrist thing to this huge issue! his confidence, yes, but that doesn't mean he's feminine.

 

he adores eating really disgusting foods (isn't that kind of manly). of course...i'm a vegetarian.

[Poe]

i eat vegetarians, some people think that is a disgusting food. dont hate

[tiredofvampires]

Okay, well, yes -- I agree with Renaissancewoman, you CAN grow to love a person. That happens often, in fact. It is quite possible for a person to grow on you and for you to fall in love. However, I do believe that that scenario is more likely when at first you are just friends with someone and admire/respect them platonically, but over time it heats up and it becomes more. Not that you start dating and feel out of sync with so many of their characteristics that you are bugged on a chronic basis. I do think it's possible though. It's possible, yes, that some of these irksome superficial things might become less and less important to you over time, but it sounds as if it may be getting worse and worse -- am I right about that? I have noticed with myself that sometimes this kind of thing can snowball. The more irked you are, the more you find to get irked about, somehow. Because your mind I think is reaching towards some saturation level where it's really unendurable, or at least clear to you (and them), and it forces your hand or the situation one way or the other.

 

HOWEVER, I didn't realize that you were going through so many kinds of stresses and the gravity of them. FriendS dying?! That alone is hard enough emotionally. Let alone all the other things you mentioned. And sleep loss can really alter your emotional perceptions. So that DOES change my advice a bit. You cannot make a sound decision when you are not thinking with a clear head.

 

On the other hand, it's dubious that when you start sleeping a good 8 hours and have your life more stable and manageable, you will start being okay with a man who isn't more of a "manly man", who has had a very different upbringing from you, who has a different way of being romantic from what you consider romance to be and what you want. If you feel more even keel, do you think you will respect and admire his more, for who he is? I think your judgments of him might be the same, based on your values and preferences.

 

But I am a stubborn believer in giving things their best shot. So what you need to do is not speak to him about all the things that "drive you nuts" -- you need to speak to him about how much you care for him, but feel that right now you are under so much strain, you can't evaluate how you feel in this relationship so well. That as of right now, you feel a need to put some other things in your life back in order, and go much slower in the romantic aspect of it. Tell him he's a great guy, but that there are some feelings you would like to be feeling at this point that are missing, and aren't sure whether it's the fallout of all your other stresses. Then you have two choices: 1)to give yourself a certain amount of time out to heal and get the other things in order, and let him know how long this could take. Or 2) Tell him that you'd like to continue to get together with him more as a friend (that is, the getting to know eachother more in the ways you don't feel he knows you), and put the romance to the side for now. Tell him you feel the romance part for you is moving a bit too quickly for all the changes that are happening in your life, and what you need is more getting to know eachother, because there are some significant differences between you two that you are trying to figure out will be a good fit (it would be a good sign here if he asked what you mean, and then maybe you could start to broach some of the behavioral [not mannerism] aspects about him that give you pause.) The pressure to be romantic is going to keep you wanting to change things about him, whereas if you declare more of a friendship status, you give yourself the chance to see if you can live with or even learn to love these things without hoping they will change.

 

Be as truthful as you can, emphasizing that you need his patience and understanding more than any material demonstration of affection, and that you are only trying to do right by this relationship because he deserves someone who is in with both feet, not grappling with so many other competing forces. Tell him you just don't have the insight to know what feels right or best right now.

 

So give him a chance, but backing off from the romance and see if it starts to heat up on its own accord. You can't start to miss his bringing flowers if you don't tell him to stop, and see what happens.

 

And he should start getting to know you on a more intimate level than just what school you went to and the outer factoids about you. If he is intelligent and not a simpleton, he should be able to get this. If he is a simpleton, well...you have your work cut out for you, given your nature and what gets you interested.

[tiredofvampires]

hah! he's not this crazy feminine man! he looks like a man. he's scruffy a lot, which is hot. he's got the cutest face. he can run further and faster than me! he likes sports! it's just the wrist thing! that's the only thing!

 

That's not the only thing, given everything else you said. As I read through this thread, I started to wonder "is there anything about this guy that you DO like?" That's how much there is. You even said you think there is a possibility he's gay. Which it doesn't sound to me he is. He sounds like a major sensitive romantic with a bad diet, an upbringing you don't relate to, and who counts his personal relationships for more than high achievements in his career. You have to ask yourself if you can still respect and admire him with all this. And see if over more time, and with rest and a clear head, his mannerisms continue to make you want to scream, or whether they start to just melt away as you stop noticing them while you are interacting and not expecting yourself to feel any particular way.

 

(I have a male friend who I got to know in the aftermath of my heartwrenching breakup this past year, a man who is very dissimilar from me. Nonetheless, I felt maybe there was a possibility he could be my next partner if I could look past a number of things that drove me nuts, or were just too different. We were semi-romantic, with some physical affection, but it was only when I released myself to a totally platonic relationship with him that I could evaluate whether or not the issues in question were dealbreakers. [And I wasn't even over grieving from my breakup, so the timeout released me to grieve more fully and see clearly.] So long as I was pressuring myself to "make it workable" as a potential partner, I was not able to love him unconditionally with acceptance. When I took the romantic piece off the table, I could accept his idiosyncrasies that bugged me with much better tolerance -- but that was because I wasn't afraid of having to live with them forever. And that's when I realized that they are dealbreakers, that I could only take him in certain doses. It could go either way for you.)

[gradle]

The pressure to be romantic is going to keep you wanting to change things about him, whereas if you declare more of a friendship status, you give yourself the chance to see if you can live with or even learn to love these things without hoping they will change.

 

i think you're right on about this. i'm scared though. b/c if i tell him that i need him as more of a friend, i might lose him romantically forever.

 

i know, that's somewhat selfish.

[Batya33]

I think if you tell him friendship only you have to accept him dishing with you about his dates.

 

Sometimes the focus on the one annoying thing - like the wrist thing here - has underlying it a deeper concern of incompatibility.

 

Yes yes you can grow to love someone of course just decide for now whether you like him enough to continue!

 

I am so sorry you've been going through so much stress and loss. Take care.

[Nixee]

OK... I hate to bring this issue up, and I'm sorry if it was already addressed and I somehow missed it, but the situation sounds a bit similar to how I was starting to feel about my b/f a few months back, so I have to ask: is there a reason no sex has entered the picture? Do you just not feel ready personally? Do you just not want to with him?

 

I guess I wonder because it seems like part of the issue is that you are starting to not view him as a sexual object. You talk about cuddling and no kissing as if there might be something wrong with that, and there really isn't, but just from my own experience, hunger begets hunger. Sexual contact can make you crave more sexual contact, IF it was a good experience. Right now you have nothing to build on with him yet, and you seem to be a bit frustrated.

 

You want him to come over and pull you close and kiss you confidently if he wants it, but if you are a few months into a relationship and all you do is kiss, I can see how a guy might start to feel like he needs to let you be the more assertive one in such a case. He sounds like a sensitive guy, so it is entirely possible that he DOES want to kiss you (or other things) quite a lot, but he is a bit scared of showing you that because he wants to make sure he is always going at your pace sexually. Does that make any sense?

 

Sure, I suppose some of it still comes down to him lacking a bit of confidence, but in his mind, perhaps he is just working really hard to make sure he is always a gentleman. Some guys value that still, and they really are gems. (Even though, trust me, I KNOW how it feels to wish they would just be strong and make a move already)

[ryan123]

He does seem weird and definitely clingy/needy. He'd be good for someone who has just broken up with some D-bag, not you.

 

You seem independent and self-absorbed(as someone else stated). I guess when you said "Just to give me a chance to turn him down," or something along those lines kind of sounded like you are way into yourself.

 

He's not a right match for you. Seems like you want someone who isn't a total d-bag, but isn't a complete sissy.

[Miss Firecracker]

You shouldn't ever mention the thing about his feminine mannerisms. It's who he is, and you just aren't turned on by him. You are wasting his time and yours I think.

 

And he sounds very gay to me.

[Batya33]

Yes, I agree - certainly not that they are "feminine."

[tiredofvampires]

The pressure to be romantic is going to keep you wanting to change things about him, whereas if you declare more of a friendship status, you give yourself the chance to see if you can live with or even learn to love these things without hoping they will change.

 

i think you're right on about this. i'm scared though. b/c if i tell him that i need him as more of a friend, i might lose him romantically forever.

 

i know, that's somewhat selfish.

 

Yeah, unfortunately, that is the predicament. You can't have it all ways, and have to choose which is the lesser of all evils BUT which will also give you the most information upon which to base a sound decision. Right now you are neither here nor there. And it's easy to just say "Give him more of a chance", which I think makes some sense here, but how? How do you go about giving someone a chance when the game you are already playing is not working for you? There are a few choices open to you, but the one that is guaranteed to fail here is "confronting" him with the lacks you see in his personality and telling him to start addressing them (which would take self-awareness on his part, years of personal growth work and maybe even therapy to work on self-confidence issues), and to knock it off with all the dozens of things that you find stylistically a turn-off and start emulating more manly ones that turn you on, while also telling him he need to start a health and career motivational program that matches your own more. All in a timely fashion, so you can make up your mind. Sounds not just daunting, just a tad but also.....almost ludicrously unrealistic, doesn't it?

 

It's one of those can't have your cake and eat it too, things. If you decide to keep him romantically as things are, nothing is going to really change. If you put the whole thing on hold to start feeling better and then see, you might be able to see more clearly what you want or don't want, and what matters to you, which makes some sense -- but this can't go on for monthss and months (which it sounds like it might, if you address your losses and other stresses fully) without the relationship disintegrating, and in the meantime, he will be wanting to know when this timeout is up, and he can bring you flowers again (and of course nothing will change about him). It seems if you want to "test the ground" to see if you can "learn to love him," you can only do so being in his presense and both him and you deciding jointly to take things slowly and get to know one another more closely and to understand eachother on a more deep level, and see if in the process of this BEFRIENDING, you find yourself falling for him in ways that are nonexistent now, and that the way he is becomes more endearing or at least less irritating.

 

If you go this last route, the price is that he may find someone else in the interim. As Batya says, that might also include your knowing about other candidates in his life. This is where you need to let go of your possession of him, and say to yourself, "If it's meant to be with us, that will surpass these other options out there, and if he's meant to be with them, then he should be." Easier said than done. I did that, too, with the friend I mentioned above, but I kept reminding myself that it was not fair to him to be so critical and feel so alientated at times, yet to keep hanging on for fear he'd reject ME in the end. You have already partially emotionally rejected him, and perhaps your heart has fully rejected him already for the time being. So he is really at a disadvantage here, and you need to be big about this, since you are the one who doesn't know if you even want him. You could tell him you don't want to hear the details about his dates, that's fair enough. I don't think it's ideal, if you're friends, but in this case you haven't closed the door yet, so protecting your heart a bit makes sense. I almost guarantee that if he finds someone else, you will suddenly start to think he's the fish you let get away -- that's a psychological ploy the mind plays. The reality you have to keep coming back to is that you have been with this guy, and this is what it's been like for you. Once you've felt this way, you can't unfeel it or recreate the way you've felt. Being with him, you have not felt the way you'd like to feel with a person, and unless he gets a personality overhaul or you do, this is not likely to change.

 

But it's worth a shot, and in the meantime, take the chance that you will lose him. Figure it this way, though, you will probably lose him if you stay at status quo right now. Something's gotta give. As your thread title bears out.

[tiredofvampires]

Sometimes the focus on the one annoying thing - like the wrist thing here - has underlying it a deeper concern of incompatibility.

 

This is so true. I think sometimes the more our gut tells us that there are core issues that are incompatible (as I think there are here), the more fault we find with the small things.

 

I know what you're going through, I've been through it in various forms. I have the book "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum (not sure off the top of my head that's spelled right) to prove it. (And it IS a good book, one I return to a lot, but I think it deals more with conflicts you have with your partner more than the kind of inner conflict you are wrestling with.)

 

My gut sense about this is that you are unsuited to eachother.

 

Though I really don't think gay men bring women gifts and especially flowers, and pursue them this much. He's a sensitive softie, and it's most likel not for you, not because of one or two traits, but a myriad of ways that manifests itself. It would be easy if he were gay, then you could just have a real reason not to be dating.

 

I do also want to add one thing though, that a couple of other posters have mentioned -- I do get a sense of you wanting someone on your terms a lot from your posts. To be scarce when you are busy, to not bug you to see their friends when you don't want to go, to be more this or that when you do feel like it, to have the same standards as you in a large spectrum of ways (not that it's bad to want to have things in common, but it's got to be reasonable and balanced). You also come accross as wanting him to be into the things you are into, but not really wanting to stretch your envelope to be into the things he is into, if they aren't your cup of tea. A relationship is an exchange of complementary interests and sharing what the other likes, sometimes just to join them. So I would do some soul-searching around this -- how much do you need someone to be like you, and how much is it okay for them to be their own person and want things other than what you do in a relationship, and to have the freedom to be different from your "expectations" of how a person should be. There may be something about control there, or expectations of what people should be to match up to you to look into, because that might get played out in other relationships, too. You'll need to know if it's just his vibe that causes this in you (in which case, that signals a wrong match, period, end of story), or a more general problem you might have with demanding things and people work around your desires, needs and requirements.

 

Hang in there, with all the stress and pain you've been through lately...

[Momene]

Your signature described my first marriage.

[gradle]

Hmmm....

why has no sex entered the picture? i don't know...i do find him attractive...and i do tend to move pretty slowly, but i see him fairly often, which speeds that process up usually. but i also work with him. so i want to be very cautious about that sort of thing.

 

i am selfish in my relationships now. i feel like i deserve to be. i spent years of my life accommodating it to someone else's needs..and i don't regret it, but it has had a reverse affect on me now. i have things that i want to accomplish. i do want to allow myself to be more dependent on others...but i'm also not ready to settle down. and i don't want to be to dependent until i'm ready for that. but i am ready to love again. and if it eventually turns into settling down then great. and i do do some things with him and his friends, i just want to be able to be alone sometimes. get what i need done. and i'm not ready to bring him into every facet of my life.

 

like last night we had a great time. and today we were hanging out. and he wants me to drive down with him to his hometown, and then a week after that, go to a wedding, and in 4 months, go away to europe. its' so fast, i'm freaking out a bit. keeping things slow sexually, is sort of my way of keeping part of me outside of the relationship, almost a foot in the door, one out of it...i guess?

[Batya33]

Why is it "selfish" not to be dependent? Why is it "selfish" to want and take alone time? I don't think selfishness has a real place in a healthy relationship but certainly both people need to have lives independent of the others, including private and alone time. I've never considered that "selfish" I've considered that "healthy."

[foleno]

Hello. I am specking from my own experience here. My relationship ended. It was the exact same relationship. The roles were reversed. It drove me away from her. One day she said. I was not thier. I though I was never thier, and now it is over. I will never met any one like that again. Thier is only one you, me and one unqie person who is the guy you are dating. So. Give it up let him go and do not look back, or he will figure out this own his own. people can only give so much, or grow yourself with him, and love some one. Ya its hard. It think you love him already and do not even know it, just figure things out soon. Because you my love this person, people wake up all the time. Good luck sean

[annie24]

hey gradle - i see nothing wrong with you being "selfish" either. i don't know the exact details of your long term relationship that ended, but if you felt you had to give up a lot of things to be with him, and then that relationship didn't work out, well, i can see why you are feeling like it's time to focus on what you want and making your life work. i bet that is why you are so attractive to this man you are dating now.