Relationship With X

[waffle]

Not sure where the accusations come from being that this has nothing at all to do with my divorce or my Ex or my current boyfriend.

 

I was merely suggesting you follow the advice of other posters, posted here again for your convenience.

[nick66]

Those comments were after I asked what they thought she was doing. My comments afterwards tell different. Again, I know what I feel and what I need to do.

 

If my ex needed something and I could help her then I would. She's the mother of my kids and I'll always care about her. I'm still friends with my first ex almost 20 years after our divorce. People can divorce and remain civil and friendly.

[John Bendix]

As Benga has suggested, I am chiming in. Listen to the advice from Benga. He is right on.

[nick66]

As Benga has suggested, I am chiming in. Listen to the advice from Benga. He is right on.

 

 

I will John. Here's my question, can a person manipulate you if you don't allow it? Nobody but myself has control over my feelings. There my feelings, I own them, I control them.

 

I'm not sure how familiar you are with my story John. My ex had an EA and she stated that she wanted a divorce. I agreed and I filed. One week before it was to be final, she asked me back. I agreed and laid out what needed to be done. We went about 2 months into what turned be a false reconciliation and I again contacted my lawyer. I said lets get this done asap.

 

It was final in Dec of 13. She lived with me until this past Saturday. We lived together, slept together, did things with the family, etc... We got along great and still do. Just because she ruined our marriage doesn't mean she's the spawn of Satan. She has apologized numerous times, and although it wasn't exactly the kind of apology I wanted, I accepted it.

 

I've forgiven her a long time ago. I treated her with the respect the mother of my children deserve, and that was for the benefit of our kids. I will never talk bad about her in front of the kids. What's most important to me is that when my kids become adults they know their Dad treated their Mom with respect.

 

I'm not one of the people who is still in love with their ex and will do anything to get them back. I don't want her back, I don't love her anymore. I can't be manipulated if I don't allow her to do so.

 

Trust me, I'm a strong person. My mother died when I was 11 and I learned how to function on my own. I joined the Marine Corps at 18 and spent 8 years there. I've been a police officer for over 22 years and I've seen and heard it all. I can be alone and on my own just fine.

 

I choose to have a relationship with her because of our kids. I still care for her, I always will. Now, while I still care for her, it's no longer my job to take care of her.

 

Like I said in an earlier post, there are divorced couples who remain friends. I value her friendship, and I wish her nothing but the best and happiness in her life.

[benga]

Nick - I hear you, and I am very familiar with your story. A bit of a background on this thread that John started and many of us hear have stayed on... We got onto this thread much after the physical separation / divorce had happened. The initial theme of this thread was specifically and exactly about what you are going through.... It was all about how our "relationship with X" has changed and how we must now deal with somebody that is a mere reflection of what she/he used to be... Physically the same.. but that is about it....

 

While I can understand that you have no grudges and will remain friends, the relationship that you have with her has changed forever... it started the day the EA began... the gaps widened after the divorce, and her physically moving out, seals it....I can promise you - the relationship you once had with her is gone forever.

 

If you want to heal and move on from here - you will have to start healing. The best way of doing that, is by keeping the most marginal of contact with her.. As much as we wish, there is no such thing as a friendly divorce, if one person wanted it and the other didnt...

 

I respect you and admire you for the progress you have made. Its now time for YOU to heal yourself.... My 2 cents.....

 

Hang in there.. The rollercoaster hasnt ended as yet..

Benga

[nick66]

Thanks benga. I feel really good right now. Like I said, the only contact I've had with her has been initiated by her. I haven't once done so on my own.

 

I'm not stupid, I know how her mind works and what she's trying to do. It won't work. You don't know how badly I just wanted her gone from the house.

 

I mean that not because I hated her company, but that I was at peace with the divorce. The day it was final, she cried and cried. I didn't shed a tear, I was ready for it.

 

In the end I was ready for the divorce. I accepted it, forgave her, and focused on the kids. I'm really at peace benga, I really am.

 

I don't need a woman to make me happy. I'm responsible for my own happiness. I enjoy coming home and doing what I want.

 

She called me tonight and she said that I sounded happy. My reply? I was doing great and I'm moving on with my life.

 

God has given me strength this past week. God and my kids, that's all I need.

 

I control my feelings, not her. I'm looking forward to life and all the new experiences that will come my way.

[benga]

Hang in there Nick... All of this is emotional manipulation. Do what you are doing, and over time, this sort of manipulation will stop. Be strong my friend.. Like I have said several times over, the rollercoaster hasnt ended for you.

 

I am really worried for you about the fact that she has asked you a few times "you sound happy", "are you with somebody", "have you met somebody" etc etc... I fear for you the day you actually do. All of this might crumble on top of her, and do expect some sort an outburst from her after the reality check..

 

Be strong... look out for yourself.. be the best Dad you can for your kids.....

 

Benga

[East4]

I am really worried for you about the fact that she has asked you a few times "you sound happy", "are you with somebody", "have you met somebody" etc etc... I fear for you the day you actually do. All of this might crumble on top of her, and do expect some sort an outburst from her after the reality check..

 

Benga

 

Yes, I also agree that Nick's ex wife oversteps the line with these questions. And one more question to Nick, sorry if it sounds blunt, but why does your ex still have a key to YOUR house? If she wants to collect something from the house, she will have to arrange an appointment with you.

 

To me this fact ponts to the direction that Nick is not yet ready to cut the umbical cord, most probably in his mind it is still THEIR house. Not healthy at all, as long as moving on is concerned. By the way, the longer you let your ex have the keys from your house, the more difficult it will be in the future to establish bounderies that she cannot come and go to your house as she pleases. Do not wait for the moment when you will have a new girlfriend to ask for the key back, because believe me then you will suffer a major drama moment with a risk to lose your new girlfriend. I know that a new girlfriend is not on your mind right now, but the moment will come, and then your ex wife will put such a fight to hold on the keys-you might be surprised of the ammo she would shoot on you. Of course, she will use the kids as an excuse, like this last time when she popped up while you were taking a shower-she excused her visit with bringing some stuff for the kids. In fact she was checking on you, what you were doing, and if you were alone, lol!

 

To avoid further headache and speed up your healing, I would advise you to ask your ex-wife to hand the keys back. Good that you wanna play a nice guy for the kids, but the friendly ex play must be within reasonble limits...

 

By the way: I read the thread, so aware of the facts. The key advice is based on my experience.

[nick66]

benga, once again, thanks for replying. East4, thank you for stopping by and believe me, I welcome your input. Don't worry about being blunt, please speak your mind.

 

As far as the key situation is concerned, I have a crew coming out in the next few weeks to paint the outside of the house. They will be doing a number of other things as well, including new hardware for the doors. She won't be getting a new key.

 

Like I've stated before, I know her well, and I know what she's doing. I'm okay with it right now, but I agree it's best to stop her behavior right now.

 

She says she does it because she misses me and just wants to hear my voice. Please, I'm not stupid.

 

Anyway, so far so good. Thanks again to those who take the time to reply.

[Raoul]

it's best to stop her behavior right now.

 

Nick,

 

The best to do this is to not react at all. Better to interact as little as possible.

 

Psychologists know now that the absence of reinforcement extinguishes behavior more efficiently when all (either positive or negative) reinforcement is absent. Absence of reinforcement Amy take a little longer to work than negative reinforcement. But the changes are more permanent.

 

Just sayin'.

[East4]

As far as the key situation is concerned, I have a crew coming out in the next few weeks to paint the outside of the house. They will be doing a number of other things as well, including new hardware for the doors. She won't be getting a new key

This is smart and it will be a historic moment when Nick`s ex will face the house all shiny and renovated to only find that her old key does not open the door of that lovely house that once was hers too. The discovery will certainly be thought provoking to her...

 

keep up the good work, Nick!

[nick66]

I think what I need help with the most is interacting with my kids. I miss them so much, and when I talk to them on the phone I sometimes start breaking down.

 

I don't want to be sad in front of them, I want them to see me as happy and strong. I'm okay with them in person, but just being apart from them is hard.

 

They saw me so sad and crying many times last year because of everything. When your kids ask you "Are you okay Daddy?" it's hard.

 

It's times like this though that I get strength and acknowledge just who's fault this is. I think that anger is good once in awhile.

[John Bendix]

Nick,

 

Familiar with your story? The posts here are so familiar!

 

It comes down to one facet of dealing with life that we all just do not get or get only very infrequently. We are entirely responsible for our thoughts and the emotions that ensue. We are responsible for our Reactions. It is not the events in our lives that cause us misery, it is our reactions to those events.

 

Through our misery of dealing with a WAS or divorce we have to deal with loss. Loss of mate, family, loss of time with our offspring, loss of money, loss of ego, and even the fear of losing more. Kuebler-Ross stated the 5 stages of grief in dealing with loss. She tailored her discussions on the subject of death which can be considered the ultimate loss but it is applicable to all loss. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Repression/Depression and finally Acceptance. The key is Accepting what is right now without judging it (or ourselves for being in the situation) and without the egoic urge for it to be other than it is which in itself is irrational and a waste of the only time that exists; the present moment.

[nick66]

Yes John, you're right. Although the actual circumstances may be different, we all have ended up the same regarding the WAS.

 

I know I have a lot of healing to do. The thought of everything still invades my mind way too often.

 

I try to follow your advice to experience the emotion because it's real, but I then try and focus on something else.

 

Sometimes it easy to do, other times it's more difficult.

[Jeffbobo]

This is smart and it will be a historic moment when Nick`s ex will face the house all shiny and renovated to only find that her old key does not open the door of that lovely house that once was hers too. The discovery will certainly be thought provoking to her...

 

keep up the good work, Nick!

 

After I got my ex out of the house, my situation sucked in that my kids all had house keys and would use them to get into the house after school. My ex would show up and just let herself in before I would get home from work. It all stopped when I sold the house.

[nick66]

After I got my ex out of the house, my situation sucked in that my kids all had house keys and would use them to get into the house after school. My ex would show up and just let herself in before I would get home from work. It all stopped when I sold the house.

 

 

That's exactly what I was thinking. My kids need keys to the house because they still come to the house after school. Of course, once the locks are changed, if she has been told not to enter without permission, she can be arrested for criminal trespass.

 

I do believe that once I tell her she's not to be inside without permission she won't go in. I'll tell her that if she objects to give me a key to her apartment and I'll stop by whenever I like. It won't come to that however imo.

[Juliette ne pas]

Thanks John,

I needed to read this again, well aquainted with the 5 stages. I had heard from others going through divorce, that it was worse than dealing with a death of a loved one, at the time I couldn't relate, now I can. I now am beginning to understand, for I still have moments of of sadness and loss for those I lost, but this... there are no words, everywhere I see married people or couples and grieve for what I no longer have, seeing these people together, happy, with their children. Yes, it may have only been my dream, my hope, my bubble that burst, which makes it worse, I was the only one who wanted the marriage to work, who was hopelessly in love, while my husband was looking for a way to escape, and be a lone wolf. I am broken, for I realize I believed a lie for 25 years, I am angry at him and more angry with myself for being so blind. I am having problems with the no judging part right now. I know its a work in progress, Ijust can't wait till this mess is done. Unlike Nick, my Was, has been gone for for 8 months now with no turning back, he is a swinging single and loving it, not so for me. I filed the Financial Affidavit this week, hardest thing I'd ever done. I was never allowed to deal with the finances because it was his money, so I am not certain that I planned fully for everything. He is still texting and questioning me on the where abouts of things I haven't seen in at least 2 yrs or more, yes I lived at the old place and moved from there, but there were many things I couldn't find and believed them lost or stolen. In truth, I just want the next 4 months to go by as quickly and as painlessly as possible. I hope that the judge will judge fairly, I am still worried, my Was truly believes that I don't deserve one red cent of his money and that our children will be fully on their own at 18...part of me wants the judge to meet all of my children, so he can see and hear for himself that this is not probable with their special needs. Also my Was is crying poor, I don't even get half of what he has, and there are 3 of us(4 when my other child returns) living on our amount and it's not easy, if he cuts it, we will have to file for section 8 housing and food stamps and he is an active duty high ranking NCO, the only thing the military will do is make him pay the BAQ, 750.00 twice a month, the rent is 860.00, the car is 400.00, insurance is 87.00, electric 200.00, water 60.00, this does not include phone, internet, food, clothes, and the like, so I am afraid to say too much and complain because I most likely will get much less than I'm hoping for and if I piss him off he will fight even harder than he is now. The Was lied on his financial affidavit, so unfortunately I have the burden of proof to prove otherwise and I don't think the judge will care, it could just make me look bad. I feel like I am between the devil and the deep ble sea.

[nick66]

Juliette, it always seems that those left behind struggle with everything, while the WAS is seemingly enjoying life to it's fullest.

 

I choose not to believe that. Of course it's hard at first, very hard. I struggle with finances as well, living off basically half of what I used to live off of. Luckily, in my profession, I'm able to work side jobs for extra income. It sucks having to work so many extra hours when I could be off doing other things, but I do what I have to do.

 

I know you want it over, I had the same feeling. Although I was divorced in Dec of 13 my divorce truly only started last Saturday when she finally moved out. You'll figure things out as you go along. Just make sure you don't back down when it comes to getting your fair share.

 

Of course there are those WAS who do end up doing okay in life, and that's okay. I have read where some people sit and wait around for the karma bus to run over their ex. It's a waste of time imo, the best karma is to show your ex you can be happy without them in your life.

 

Like John said, only you have control over your emotions. How you choose to deal with them will determine how long you get through everything imo. There have been times when I'm sitting there feeling sorry for myself and a few moments later I snap out of it. What good does it do? Why should me ex determine how I should be feeling?

 

It's takes time, and as I've stated, I'm certainly not there yet. I know that I've come a long way in over a year now. Early on I could barely manage to get out of bed, and as soon as I did, anxiety would take over my body.

 

We're here for you Juliette, hand in there and keep posting.

[nick66]

Wanted to add something. What does help me whenever I'm feeling a little down or start having fond memories of my ex, I just think of her behavior towards me in the year or so of our marriage. I don't know why, but that quickly erases any nostalgia I'm feeling about her.

[waffle]

I think it's OK to remember the good times. I do it sometimes . . . one of the kids will mention our trip to Florida or Vegas or one of the other destinations we went to, and I remember it fondly. I've put it in its box (figuratively speaking) and I take the memories out once in a while. I can smile about it, because at least we had that time as a family. But it's over, and I'm happy to move on to a different stage in my life. That was then and this is now. Just because we're divorced now doesn't mean that the past never happened.

 

Oddly, xH and I have keys to each others' places. Well, sort of. The kids have a key to his apartment which I keep hanging in a central area in my house, so I technically have access to his place. I have no interest though. Ex does come in the house (although not as much anymore) and at first he would wander the place like it was his and I was the maidservant. One time he sat his butt down at the desktop computer and went online, printing some stuff. Another time he went upstairs to the master bedroom and I believe used the bathroom up there even though the first-floor bath was free. Stuff like that. He hasn't done any of that recently. These days if he deigns to exercise his visitation rights, I take the kids over there and pick them up. But the couple times he has brought them back, he didn't come in the house. Which I'm glad.

 

 

. . . everywhere I see married people or couples and grieve for what I no longer have, seeing these people together, happy, with their children. Yes, it may have only been my dream, my hope, my bubble that burst, which makes it worse, I was the only one who wanted the marriage to work, who was hopelessly in love, while my husband was looking for a way to escape, and be a lone wolf. I am broken, for I realize I believed a lie for 25 years . . .

 

It sounds like you're mourning the loss of the husband that you wish he was.

 

I think maybe I do that once in a while too, but in a different way. Like when I had to spend a small fortune for a new HVAC mere months after D was final, when the water softener broke, when the pilot went out on the water heater, when the garage door opener broke, when the refrigerator broke, when the washer broke . . . I hated dealing with that stuff all on my own until I remembered, "waffle, you were alone while married too." I never had a real marriage so the fact that I don't have one now is really nothing noteworthy. When I see happy couples, I don't really feel anything because you can't miss something you never had. I do feel sad (albeit briefly) that I didn't want better for myself though.

[Juliette ne pas]

"I think maybe I do that once in a while too, but in a different way. Like when I had to spend a small fortune for a new HVAC mere months after D was final, when the water softener broke, when the pilot went out on the water heater, when the garage door opener broke, when the refrigerator broke, when the washer broke . . . I hated dealing with that stuff all on my own until I remembered, "waffle, you were alone while married too." I never had a real marriage so the fact that I don't have one now is really nothing noteworthy"

 

Thanks Waffle, I tend to forget everything I don't have to fix anymore... your right. No more using a push mower ( I mean push as in a reel push mower , no gas) to try to mow the old acre plus lawn because I couldn't afford to fix the other 2/3 gas mowers (or sometimes the gas). I don't have to fret that the w/d unit is not working again, or having to replace the heat water heater. I don't have to worry about "spending a small fortune for a new HVAC mere months after D will be final or about how in the heck I could afford replacing the whole roof. I don't know what the judge will decide , that's my major worry. Four months and mine and my children's fate will be decided.

[Raoul]

Four months and mine and my children's fate will be decided.

 

It really is that simple.

 

I wish you well Juliettte.

[waffle]

Thanks Waffle, I tend to forget everything I don't have to fix anymore... your right. No more using a push mower ( I mean push as in a reel push mower , no gas) to try to mow the old acre plus lawn because I couldn't afford to fix the other 2/3 gas mowers (or sometimes the gas). I don't have to fret that the w/d unit is not working again, or having to replace the heat water heater. I don't have to worry about "spending a small fortune for a new HVAC mere months after D will be final or about how in the heck I could afford replacing the whole roof.

 

I didn't mean to complain about those things; I have a beautiful home and I realize how fortunate I am in being able to keep it. My point was that I didn't particularly like handling all that alone, although if I was still married, I'd be handling it all alone anyway. I guess I forget sometimes how much life sucked while married.

 

My xH threatened me many times throughout the divorce proceedings that he was going to make sure I was homeless and he'd get everything, and that isn't how it went down at all. So don't believe everything the stbx tells you.

 

I don't know what the judge will decide , that's my major worry. Four months and mine and my children's fate will be decided.

I hope you know that your future is in YOUR hands.

 

 

Can I just say I'm a little annoyed that my job is getting in the way of my social life? I wanted to go out tonight for just a couple drinks, but I got home (late) and my energy is sapped. I called the Child Support Disbursement hotline and put in my info to get updated payment info about my case, and no payments have been received. Yippee. I did get one partial payment a couple weeks ago, but the fact remains that xH is approximately $3,000 in arrears, as of the end of this month. So I shouldn't complain about my job; it's a good job and I like it and it pays the bills. And it's better to be gainfully employed than to be unemployed and unable to meet your basic obligation(s) to your children.

[John Bendix]

Complain and blame are two of the most useless ploys, we all use to some extent, in dealing with the world. They accomplish nothing except creating anguish in our lives. They do not change what is or what has happened.

[John Bendix]

In continuing the Kuebler-Ross scenario in dealing with loss and the endgame of acceptance: The SO you have know is dead. The relationship that you have known is dead. The family that you once lived in is dead. Mourn, get angry, plead, get depressed but then accept what is. These other things are gone-