lostandhurt Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 Waffle at 14 1/2 my son would likely be 18 before the fight would be settled. My ex worries more about how she would look if I had sole physical custody and fight it. Many are under the false assumption that children that are 12 to 14 can pick where they want to live. Most states will consider their wishes but it is not automatic. They are under 18 and thus cannot make legal choices for themselves. Where I live the law was changed 2 years ago to mandate the court to allow a child 14 or older to address the court and they must weigh that when making the decision. It may actually be cheaper in the long run for me to have my son most if not all the time, pay child support like usual for the next 3 1/2 years than to hire a lawyer and battle it out in court. Both my son and I are hopeful things will improve and this latest episode may help. There have been times in the past where she has improved because she was shamed into it and since my son's grades have improved pretty dramatically since he has been with me she may just step up and get involved next year. It is sad that your ex is the way he is which is about the polar opposite of the men on this thread. I couldn't imagine being like that but my father raised me to be a man that takes care of his responsibilities no matter what. Nick, I echo your sentiments. People often ask me how I do it and my answer is always the same. "I would give my life for my son in an instant so anything short of that is gravy" It is all perspective... Lost Link to comment
benga Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 Lost - you said "I would give my life for my son in an instant so anything short of that is gravy" - and I could agree with that statement more, and this is a natural reaction for "normal" parent. its a pity that something changes many of them somewhere down the line. R has been spending ALOT of time with T the past year or so, as a matter of fact a lot more than I have. R has been doing all the school stuff, the schedules, homework, coordinating play dates etc... I felt a little odd initially because I had been doing it for all these years. They have been hooking up very often and do their "girlie" stuff together. As a result, I am getting way more time to myself than I have been used to the past 6+ years. Being a full time daddy to a little girl, i had completely stopped doing things for myself. As a result, I am getting about 90 minutes of "me" time everyday - so I go for a run or to the gym nearly everyday now between 6.00 - 7.30pm after work (its really humid in Singapore and getting out for a run in the mornings is draining). I get 3-4 hours to myself one day every weekend, so a few buddies of mine and I go fishing to an incredible spot a few miles down from my house... This is working out pretty well for me actually, as i had put my own life and my hobbies completely on the back burner for a really long time.. R travels on work about 4-6 days a month, so I look forward to those days to get back to complete bonding with T Link to comment
nick66 Posted May 11, 2014 Share Posted May 11, 2014 Tough day today, Mother's Day always is. My Mom passed away 36 years ago, and it still feels like it was yesterday. My ex was always so good about being there for me and giving me comfort on this difficult day. Happy Mother's Day to all the Mom's here! Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 Well said Nick Happy Mothers Day to all the wonderful mothers out there. Lost Link to comment
Jeffbobo Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 Hey all. It's been a while since I posted. A lot has been happening. I close on my house tomorrow. It will be the first time in 25 years that I own a house 100% on my own, totally independent of my ex. I sold the house we owned together so with this, there is no trace of here whatsoever. Feels awesome! One of my daughters (almost 13) does not want to stay with her mom anymore and she has been staying with me pretty consistently for the past month. School is out at the end of this week so I'm trying to figure out what this will look like heading into summer. I'll be flying out on business all next week and the plan was for her to stay with her mom all week. My daughter says this will stress her out. I'm curious how others have handled this situation, both for necessary business travel and during the summer months. I know her mom is hurt by all of this. She lashes out at me. My daughter tells me negative things her mom says to her... My ex even said to me tonight, "the reason my daughter wants to stay with me all the time is because she doesn't like who I date and if she stays with me, I won't date her" Link to comment
benga Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 Good for you Jeff... Its awesome to be able to move on, and let the past lie where it should - in the past!! Great to have your kids with you, isnt it? Use this time to be the best Dad you can possibly be. I know raising a girl in her teens wont be easy, but i am sure you will do a really super job. Regarding your ex - ignore her.... What she says, thinks about you is none of your problem anymore. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 Jeff, Well done on closing on YOUR house. It is a nice feeling to get one more step farther away from the ex. What I do with my ex on the custody thing is to put her into a position where she has to tell my son he can't do this or that. If she has to be the bad guy nearly every time she will fold and go along with what my son or I want. You know your ex well so craft your discussions in such a way that lead her down the path you want her on but make it in such a way where she thinks it is her idea. The thing I use frequently is when she texts me or emails me something I am not thrilled about I reply that I will discuss it with my son and get back to her. He is 14 now and has a right to be involved in decisions that affect his life. He likes that I include him and gets very angry when his mom makes choices for him without even mentioning it in advance. It is like herding chickens sometimes, you have to fain like you are going one place when you really want them to another. Be smart and use what you know. Being away on trips like you need to do is a great time for your daughter to visit grandma or aunts or uncles. Things with me are busy but calm. My son is trying to improve his relationship with his mother but she is not making it easy... Lost Link to comment
nick66 Posted June 9, 2014 Share Posted June 9, 2014 Goodbye everyone, I wish y'all the best. Link to comment
waffle Posted June 9, 2014 Share Posted June 9, 2014 Goodbye everyone, I wish y'all the best. My ex even said to me tonight, "the reason my daughter wants to stay with me all the time is because she doesn't like who I date and if she stays with me, I won't date her" Wait. Are you saying that--according to your ex--the daughter's primary motivation in staying with you is because she doesn't like your girlfriend and this is the daughter's way of manipulating you into not seeing your girlfriend? Stranger things have happened. Personally, I wouldn't just dismiss it simply because it came from your Ex. It can't hurt to address this with the daughter. That way if it really does turn out to be untrue, this makes your Ex look bad and makes her less likely to pull that stuff in the future. Link to comment
waffle Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 And I wanted to say that this week I am celebrating one year divorced. I can't believe how fast it went by. Things are really good. xH is still unemployed, while my career is going very well. Kids are doing well although I find myself still protecting xH and making excuses for his @$$holery. Old habits die hard I guess. Long story short, one of the kids asked xH for a favor since I would be unavailable on a particular date, and he declined saying, "that's not my job." Good to see he's still the same d!ck he's always been. I want to just smack him and say WAKE UP! THESE ARE YOUR KIDS! He's not hurting me or the kids; frankly, he's hurting himself. I simply explained to the kid that it's OK, and how I understand Dad's position since he isn't used to doing stuff like that being that I have always done it. I will be inconvenienced on the date in question, but I've improvised before. Link to comment
Jeffbobo Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 Wait. Are you saying that--according to your ex--the daughter's primary motivation in staying with you is because she doesn't like your girlfriend and this is the daughter's way of manipulating you into not seeing your girlfriend? Stranger things have happened. Personally, I wouldn't just dismiss it simply because it came from your Ex. It can't hurt to address this with the daughter. That way if it really does turn out to be untrue, this makes your Ex look bad and makes her less likely to pull that stuff in the future. Well, it is untrue because I don't have a girlfriend. And this is just one in a series of guesses from my ex as to why my daughter wants to stay with me. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted June 11, 2014 Share Posted June 11, 2014 Well it looks like Nick has left ENA to start the next chapter of his life. Thank you Nick for opening up to us and helping others on this site. I always learn a lot about myself while attempting to help others and we certainly chewed some of the same dirt on our journeys. Be well my friend and be safe Lost Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted June 11, 2014 Share Posted June 11, 2014 Jeff, I think the way you are taking the high road is showing with your children. Your ex will more than likely never admit or even think that she is the reason your daughter prefers you over her. Keep being the good father you are and things will make their way towards you. Remember when your children are all grown and adults with lives of their own the work you do now and the stand up father you are will pay dividends you can't even imagine right now. I can see family dinners at your house a few times a month, grandchildren spending quality time with you and a bond between you and your kids that will last till your last breath. This is the big picture my friend... Lost Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted June 11, 2014 Share Posted June 11, 2014 Waffle, One year is a milestone. It will probably be the last time you remember this particular anniversary since that is your old life and you will be busy living your new one. Lost Link to comment
waffle Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 I think it's only important to me insomuch as I was told repeatedly during the proceedings about how I was going to be homeless, how everything was his and he was going to get everything, etc. and he was so threatening that I believed it. A year out and none of that happened. But yeah . . . now that I think about it, I can see years in the future where I may not even remember the YEAR my divorce was final. I really can see that happening as the bad memories fade . . . even now, I forget sometimes what it was like . . . At any rate, I wanted to say that I hope all the dads here are having a fantastic Father's Day. Link to comment
Jeffbobo Posted June 28, 2014 Share Posted June 28, 2014 Well, it was inevitable... I jumped onto Facebook and my ex pops up at the top of the list of "potential friends". A picture of her, in a form fitting short dress with her boobs bulging out. At her side, is some dorky looking guy with his arm around her, presume it's her boyfriend, the guy I've been hearing about, that's just a friend. Now, I have to admit, I was not sure how I would react when the day came that I actually saw this... My first reaction was, "She looks good". Second reaction was, "Your seriously with that dork?" Lol. It did not bother me as much as I thought it would though. Now what bothers me is that my ex has changed career objectives 3-4 times within the last 3 years and spousal maintenance is tied to her finishing school and getting work. She *has* been working something like 8 hours a week (not 100% sure) as a yoga instructor. I've pressed her on this issue recently and have been pursuing pushing her to commit to finishing something so we can be done financially. My lawyer had said that I have a very good case for getting spousal maintenance removed or at the very least a reduction. Back to her BF... I *did* confront her on the picture saying, "Well, I guess now I know what you've been doing with your time (instead of focusing on school/work). Yeah, probably should have just said nothing. Her response was that he's not her BF and if she wanted a BF, she easily could go get one. I said "I don't care. That's fine. I understand. He was there for you when you needed him, not a big deal." Now, this guy has been helping her out quite a bit. He's even befriended my 19 year old son and is financially helping him out and I'm sure her as well. She claims he's not her BF. Maybe it's true but if not, then he's a doormat trying to get in her pants and she's stringing him along. Really messed up part is that she has one guy (her presumed BF) going over the top with supporting her and another guy (myself) who's forced to support her. Now it wouldn't be so bad if I knew that in the past 3 years she took her schooling and work commitment seriously by sticking to what the original plan was but she didn't and I'm no better than the doormat dork that she's currently with. I should have known better given her history of not sticking and committing to the things she attempts and it's that chaos is what drove me insane about her. She blames her ADHT, ADD, anxiety, childhood traumas or handful of other medical issues. She says that if I attempt to do anything about spousal maintenance, she'll get documentation that she is in therapy for all of this which she claims will have me supporting her for the rest of her life. Anyway... That's my rant. F'd up place to be 3 years post divorce. Regardless, I'm going to call BS and pull the trigger on the spousal maintenance. Link to comment
benga Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Jeff - can fully understand how you are feeling. That said, you will only get anwers to the questions you ask Well, what I am saying is that if you had seen her picture on facebook, and done nothing (i.e. didnt ask her any questions) take the high road, you wouldn't have had to expose yourself to any of the mind nubbing exchange with her I am sure you get what I am saying.. Whether she has a boy friend or not of whether this person is her boy friend or just a friend - what use is this information to you? By probing her and by confronting her - you are simply letting her know that you are stuck where you are, havent really moved on and that is "actually" (deep inside) hurts you to see her with somebody, and that it upsets you to see her trying to move on... Avoid these brain f**ing exchanges at all cost... But yeah! the maintainance arrangements need to be sorted ASAP if she isnt following her end of the deal. I am sure Lost could chime in based on his experience of this.... Link to comment
John Bendix Posted June 30, 2014 Author Share Posted June 30, 2014 Jeff, I would take the advice you are being given by Benga and use it. On a higher level it would be less painful you to realize that what she is doing is not causing you the pain that you you feel. It your reaction to her actions that brings your suffering. T he pain that you feel is your reaction, yours and yours alone. By simply recognizing this fact, your suffering will be greatly reduced. Easily said and only by accepting what is will your pain subside. Link to comment
Jeffbobo Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Thanks Benga and John. I understand what you're saying about my reactions. Much appreciated. I'm also curious to hear from lost on his experience with this. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 Sorry guys I have been working way to many hours on top of full time dad and to many side jobs for extra $$$. Jeff, What if there wasn't FB, Instagram, email or texts? You wouldn't know anything that she is up to right? The big thing to remember is that these things happened without your knowledge and you felt nothing but when you discovered them on fb you were hurt. Hurt only because your ego took a hit and nothing more. Actually you should be happy this push over is paying some of her way. That is entirely his choice and his money so be happy that he is taking some of the hit. Bf or not does it really matter what his title is? My ex called the guy she cheated on me with "her friend" for 18 months until my son cornered her one day and made her admit it was her bf. Nothing changed, just his title. You are no longer married to her so she is free to do as she wishes. Her selfish behavior shouldn't surprise you in the least should it? Okay onto the blackmail.....err I mean spousal support issue. If you look closely at what you have written you talked a lot about what you have zero control over and some about what you have all kinds of control over. Read my signature below 3 times please! Yes absolutely pull the trigger on getting that support reduced but do it smart and from a logical unemotional state. Never mention other men in her life or how you are paying for her dating or anything. Just the facts that are relevant to the support and nothing more. Sit down and make some talking points for court and then go over them to see if you think it is worth the money to go back to get it reduced. I think your best plan of attack is to appear understanding but realistic in court. Mention that when the support was set up it was understood by you and the court that she would be working towards a career which unfortunately hasn't been the case and there seems to be no end in sight. Let the judge get upset with her because she hasn't lived up to her part of the deal. Stay calm and factual and never show disdain towards her. I know you know you shouldn't have talked to her about her personal life but that is done so learn from it and move on. Accept that you have zero control over certain things and focus only on the things you do have control over. Win or loose acceptance is key. Your freedom is not tied to her, it is a choice you make to fully let go of the past and find a way to ignore the things dragging you back there. I work at it still today my friend... Lost Link to comment
waffle Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 Honestly I'm wishing some of you guys here were my ex-husband lol! Frankly, if she's just now moving on with someone else after three years divorced, it took her far longer than most. Yet I sort of get why it would be hard to see a picture of her with some guy when she can't seem to get her life together. I can relate somewhat . . . my xH has no girlfriend or anything, but I'm in a similar situation in that it's hard to hear the kids tell me how xH went to the casino to gamble away his unemployment when he's thousands of dollars in arrears on his child support and spousal support. And then I asked him recently if he could pay half the fees for an upcoming extracurricular which is provided for in our divorce documents (it's court-ordered that any established extra-curriculars have to be maintained 50/50, although if there is something new i.e. my youngest just started music lessons, then he doesn't have to pay except if it's mutually agreed upon) but he said no of course. So I'm on the hook for an extra $650.00 (all on severely reduced child support) even though he's supposed to pay it, yet he went out recently and bought himself a whole new wardrobe. To be fair, he has gained approximately 25 - 30 pounds in the year since the divorce so I don't think his old clothes fit him anymore. Anyway, yes, it's true you can't do anything about how someone else conducts themselves, but seeing that crap can be crazy-making at times. Oh, and let me say that the Ex threatening to get documentation about her therapy is ridiculous. Unless she has been committed to a mental health hospital, she is going to have a very tough time proving that she's so messed up she can't even get the most basic of jobs. Don't be fooled. Her power over you is illusory. Could I ask, though . . . how much do the men here actually pay in spousal support? Is it enough for her to actually live on? My spousal support really isn't very much (a couple hundred a month), but I am grateful for it because it goes for the kids anyway--it's not as if I'm spending it on myself. I have a good job and make my own money for that. My spousal support was ordered for five years which I thought was fair, and that's right about the time my youngest gets out of high school. It only goes away if I remarry and/or live with a partner for the period of a year. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 Waffle, I pay my wife child support only and it more than covers the costs. She buys shoes once in a while and some clothes and of course food when he is with her. He is with me a lot and I pay for a great deal more than she does but he is worth it and at least I know he appreciates all we do together. College is all on me as is all his medical. It would be nice to have a few more bucks in my pocket each month but I agreed to the settlement and I will pay what I should. She walked away with over $200K cash so she isn't hurting in the least if she manages her money properly. Lost Link to comment
Jeffbobo Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 Waffle, I pay about $3,500 a month in spousal support. I pay all costs (medical, school, activities) for the kids. She was to complete a LPN degree (1 year degree stated in decree), then we'd re-evaluate child support. I'm about 3 years in. She dropped LPN 6 months in to be a cop. Dropped that after a year to be a yoga instructor, now a yoga therapist. What next? Don't know, don't care. The yoyo that I'm currently going through with her is what our marriage was. My career, the effort and success that I put into it went to fuel the dozen or so business ventures that I endured with her. I put up with it while we were married because, well, I loved her very much and I was blind. I put up with it after divorce because, well, I still wished her success and I guess I was just use to it (sounds weird). I don't feel I can fully commit to a relationship until I can cut the umbilacle cord. Can't tell you how much it sucks. This is where I'm at and I'm currently lawyered up to end it, hopefully very soon. Link to comment
Jeffbobo Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 Oh... As far as her moving on after 3 years... She was bang'n her karate instructor around the time of divorce so I'm sure this guy is just one of many. Really don't care. If it helps her get to a point in life where she needs to be and out of mine, that's great. But apparently that's not happening so... Link to comment
waffle Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 Jeez, Jeff, marry and divorce ME!! I could very easily get by on half that and save you $1,700+ per month . . . and I'd refuse to work too lol! That's just insane. Link to comment
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