Relationship With X

[nick66]

I really feel hatred towards her right now. I don't like feeling like this.

[Raoul]

Hate is a waste nick.

 

Indifference is what will mean the most.

 

It doesn't come quickly or easily.

[Juliette ne pas]

Sorry Nick, what happened? Please I know you can work through this, I'm sorry for what your going through and what you are feeling.

[nick66]

I know Raoul, it's a waste of time and energy feeling that way. I know that 99% of the time I do feel indifferent. I have reached the point where I could care less what she's doing. The only time it bothers me is when it affects the kids.

 

Juliette, nothing really happened. I'm guessing it's just finality of everything. It's weird, I don't love her, and I was so ready for her to move, but I guess I'm just used to having a warm body at the house.

 

I took the kids to a family thing tonight, her side of the family. She didn't go because she's moving into her apartment, but my kids were wondering why she wasn't going when it was her family.

 

We had a great time though. I got some real great self-esteem tonight when I was approached by a couple of women at the dance. No, they weren't from her side.

 

It was nice to get those smiles and just talk to other women. I didn't do much other than talk briefly though, I was there with my kids.

 

Great moment, my youngest daughter asked me to slow dance with her. The smile on her face and what she told me afterwards almost made me cry.

 

I had such a great time with my kids, I just love them so damn much. When we got home, about an hour later, my oldest daughter came into my room and told me how much she loved me.

 

I can't express in words what my kids mean to me. I would die for them in an instant to protect them.

 

Anyway, I guess that what I'm feeling is just the realization that she's gone, and although I'm happy that she is, a little part of me misses her.

[waffle]

My social life has picked up so much that I've literally got a waiting list at this point, ha!

 

They're not all men . . . I've reconnected with a lot of friends (many of whom are divorced themselves) and we're having a great time. Friday I went out with some former co-workers until 1:30 a.m., I haven't done shots in decades and I did three. One was called "blue balls" lol and another was called "southern bondage" and the third was more innocent-sounding . . . something with "bomb" in the name. "The Bomb" maybe? Something like that. Saturday I started getting texts from another group of friends but I had reserved Saturday for my boyfriend so I suggested next Thursday or Friday (I'm hoping for Thursday since Friday is Good Friday), and next Saturday is reserved for my boyfriend again. Today after church I'm just puttering around doing laundry, etc. and waiting for the kids to come back from xH's. Ten months divorced and this is the first weekend he's had them the whole weekend (it's ordered every other weekend but that hasn't happened).

 

When xH first moved out 9 months ago now, I'll be honest it was a huge relief. I wasn't sad at all, I don't even think he was sad, and the kids even helped him move out. Every time I heard the garage door, though, in the weeks that followed, I would feel that sense of dread for a split second until I realized "it's not him, it's just Kid (with a driver's license and car) coming home." It's been happening less and less over the months, but just a couple days ago it happened again, that sinking feeling, and an instant later realizing "it's not him, he's gone, remember?" It might never go away completely. It was such a part of my life for so many years, to dread hearing that garage door because it meant he was home for the evening . . . leave it to me to practically have PTSD just from hearing a garage door open.

[Raoul]

Good stuff waffle! It's good to get out, reconnect with friends, meet new people, have a few cocktails.

 

I have to watch my alcohol intake as I'm out of practice.

 

Buts it's good to find 'you time' after all we go through.

[Juliette ne pas]

My natural Father was KIA in Viet Nam when I was very young, oh to have had the chance to have a hug, a kind word, smile, or a kiss on the cheek; to him wipe away my tears, to help me to stand strong with grace and mercy; oh to have my first dance with him, or to have had him walk me down the aisle and to spoil his grandchildren, or to be here now to help me through this devastating time in mine and my children's life. Nick and to the rest of you wonderful fathers of daughters, you have big shoes to fill for through you, your daughters will learn what a man, husband, and father is like. I pray that God will gift all of you with grace, strength, and wisdom for the wonderful task ahead of you. Nick it was truly my dream to dance with my father, I imagine myself as a little girl standing on his boots as he dances round the room with me. To you all and most of all to both my Fathers in heaven, I love you both and know that your both with me even though I can't see you or feel you, I know you are with me. So this is for you guys from me, my Father's little girl.... , ,

[Juliette ne pas]

As the Holy Days appoach, I wish you and your families the very best. This is in memory of my father and Passover, in this song the father is able to return, to mine and those fathers who didn't make it home and their families.....Diese sammel es Fuer meine Vater, Ich manke dir. Ich Liebe dich, Pesash est nur zweite tagen da vor. Ich weinte im meinen zimmer und denken uber dir und Abba Vater. Ich voll das ich und meinen kinder will sie kennen besser. Shoewen sie mich seinen anwort fuer mich. Hilfen sie mich, Vatie.

Deiner Tochter, Juilette

 

[nick66]

Thanks Juliette, that was a great video. I'm still going up and down with my feelings, and I suppose I will for awhile. I know others here have been through it, so I come here to express my feelings and also look for advice.

 

It's not like I care what she's doing. Hell, I've got access to all her texts messages that she sends daily if i want them. I have access to all her social media accounts, email, etc. I haven't looked at any of it for at least six months because I really don't care about any of it.

 

I think it's like I mentioned earlier, I just have this empty feeling inside. It's going to take time to get through all of this, and I need to feel all of those emotions and get through them.

[Juliette ne pas]

Yes, we all do need to feel those my friend, we all do. Remember what next week is and, take hold of His hand. FYI, If you happen to be up and are unable to sleep(like me) in the wee hours of 15th there will be a sight to behold in the sky if your interested.

[nick66]

Yes, we all do need to feel those my friend, we all do. Remember what next week is and, take hold of His hand. FYI, If you happen to be up and are unable to sleep(like me) in the wee hours of 15th there will be a sight to behold in the sky if your interested.

 

I pray to God and talk with him as much as I can. I sometimes just ask him why did my ex do what she did to not only me, but my kids. Why does it seem like it doesn't bother her, and that she'll never be truly sorry. Why is it that although she screwed up, I'm the one out not only my money, but most importantly, the loss of my kids on a daily basis?

 

Now I know that we all have free will, and that the decisions she made were hers and hers alone, but what a selfish person she turned out to be. When I look back at my marriage, I don't think I was ever truly happy with her. Sure, we had great times together, and we clicked together on so many levels, but was I really and truly as happy as I should have been?

 

I got three beautiful and awesome kids from her, and for that I always be thankful. I thought to my self today, maybe it wasn't her first husband that was the problem, and it wasn't me, but in fact it's her. I'm starting to think that she does everything with a purpose behind it, kind of like what will she get out of it.

 

I find myself hoping and praying that my two daughters don't grow up to be like her. I'm just starting to see her in a totally different way now. I spoke with her father last night and he just said he's so disappointed in her, that of all his kids, he thought she was the one who had everything together. I told him that she's no different than her brother or sister, both of whom she used to talk crap about. I've even told her that and she got mad.

 

I know this reads like I'm trashing my ex, and maybe I am, who knows. I just don't like the person she became. She became someone that I would never consider even dating. I will keep things civil and friendly though because that's whats nest for my kids. I will just maintain as little contact as possible though. I just want my life to start moving forward. I just want my kids to be happy. I just want to be happy again.

 

Juliette, I believe you are referring to the lunar eclipse coming up? As far as sleeping, I don't even get off of work until 1:00 am. I usually go to sleep around 4:00 every night, so I'll definitely be up.

[benga]

Nick - Hang in there my friend. The "emotional" rollercoaster has just begun and will take its time till you either get used to it or an opportunity comes your way to close a chapter in your life and open a new one. All of everything is very normal. The past year or so whilst things have unfolded themselves in front of you, she has been physically close to you and you havent really had a chance to "grieve" by yourself. While there has been emotional separation, the physical aspect of it is just hitting you. The "true divorce" is happening now. You will go through the motions.. There will be days when you will feel extreme anger and resentment towards her.. there will be days when you will find yourself indifferent and be sure - there will be days when you will think of her fondly... All of these emotions are very natural. And PLEASE allow yourself to feel every emotion that you are experiencing - it will help you in the healing process. Over time (it could take years for some), the highs and lows sort of balance everything out - and life continues... Bad memories fade, anger subsides.... Everything happens for a reason and perhaps the reason she came into your life was really to give you 3 wonderful kids and the learning and the lessions from this divorce.

 

Right now you are feeling angry with her for everythhing that she did and the fact that because she did what she did.. This is very normal, natural.... This is the place for you to continue venting.. With her take the high road....

 

"Moving on" means different things to different people. What does "moving on" mean to you? For me, it was when I sold our house, sent her things back to her, bought myself another and created my own little world. The fact that my then 3 year old daughter was part of every decision - made my space even more special. Moved into a new neighborhood, closer to work, closer to friends... Changed my routine and habits... Became the only and the central figure in my daughters life.. Had a life of my own without any links to my wife (my exW then But each time I moved further and further away emotionally and physically, my wife used to find a way of brain f**** ing... So you will have to watch for that coming your way (if at all). You will never be able to cease all communication with her.. that isn't possible because of the kids.. You will run into her at school and other combined activies, the high road will be the best way forward. Avoid any toxic engagement and mind games....

 

Hang in there Nick.. What you are going through is perfectly normal......

 

Juliette - THANK YOU for sharing these. What you said and posted touched a chord deep within. I know how much a good father means to a young innocent girl.. I live for that every moment of my life From the time my daughter was 3, our connection is at a very different level. At age 4 she chose to live me me full time over her mother... I will be that pilliar and security for her. I live for those cuddles and those dances...

[Jeffbobo]

Hey Nick,

With respect to you saying you're trashing your ex wife. I don't see it as that at all. In fact, what you are doing is helping yourself move on faster. I've been part of a divorced men's group for a long time and one of the things they taught me early on was to write a list of personal traits and/or habits about your ex that irritate you. These would be things that you may gave been blind to and/or lived to accept. Also include in that list the things they may have done that have hurt you in some way. Focus on these things when you think about her as opposed to any good times.

[nick66]

Thanks for responding benga and Jeff, it always helps to get feedback.

 

Well, last night was the first night going home to an empty house. I left work about 3 hours early, I just needed to get away from work. I was upstairs getting ready to take a shower when I heard her voice downstairs. She came upstairs and said she had been knocking on the door, but I didn't hear it I guess because of the TV. Anyway, she was there to get a few items.

 

I really didn't feel anything seeing her, I just feel like she's the woman I used to be married too. We talked for about 20 minutes, and I walked her out. She came by again later after buying some groceries to drop off some stuff for our son to snack on when he comes home from school. I must say that after she left I felt fine, I had me a drink and watched some TV before going to sleep for the night.

 

I do know that I'm still not where I need to be though, that I'm just starting out this 2nd part which involves detachment from her. My feelings are hard to understand for me though. I don't want her there, I don't really want another woman there right now, but I do miss having a conversation with someone.

 

I have no problem being alone though, I've always been a person that could function all by myself if needed. I spoke with her brother today and he said what I needed was a one night stand without commitment. I just don't feel ready to be with someone right now. I just don't feel like me, if that makes any sense.

 

Like benga said, it's going to take time to find myself, but I hope I'm on that path. Thanks again to everyone who takes the time to respond back to me.

[John Bendix]

Nick,

 

The sentiments and emotions that you have expressed here about your X is something that I (and others here) have thought and felt. It never ceases to amaze me that the situation you have described is eerily similar to what others have experienced. It seems surreal but it does point to a connection.

 

The common threads seem to be limitless self involvement, lack of compassion for anyone involved, and denial of many irrefutable truths in order to keep the dysfunctional ego intact. Preservation of this malicious ego seems to be equated with preservation of the person's life itself. The biggest threat is the one they have the tightest connection with, the SO. That connection has to severed by them at all costs. Compassion, truth, logic, love and common decency cannot measure up against a perceived threat when their emotionally existence is on the line.

 

Self awareness BY the WAS (or any other person in this condition) seems to be the way to for them to ford through this dysfunctional way of coping with the world. The rub being that these persons, because of their present state of mind and emotionally adaptation, are as far from self awareness and realization as is possible.

 

How does the ones left behind deal with this and this person? The very reason I started this thread.

[nick66]

Thanks John, I read this thread in Feb of 2013 when this ordeal began for me. You have helped so many people, I hope you know this.

 

I just can't understand how the woman I married turned into who she is now. I can honestly say that for the majority of our marriage she loved me like no other. I'm man enough to say that I wasn't perfect, but it just seems to me that she is re-writing everything to justify her behavior.

 

She's apologized several times, but I didn't feel it was something that was sincere. I asked her, "what are you exactly apologizing for?" She would reply "for hurting you."

 

I think one of the hardest parts of all of this was that we remained good friends up until she finally moved out this past Saturday. I sometimes think it would be easier to just hate her and get that finality. I don't want hate in my life though, and besides, hating her would hurt my kids.

 

Everything I've done throughout this ordeal was for my kids. I have told her that the only person who has really mattered in her life this past year and a half was herself. I have told her how selfish she became. I don't know if reality will one day strike her, but if so, she better not come back knocking on my door.

 

Anyway. I'm glad that you've decided to post again. Thank you so much for taking the time to do so.

[John Bendix]

Unfortunately for her and everyone involved, therapeutic-historical data strongly indicates that she will never see the light.

 

Hate is the same as any emotion. It is a physical reaction to our thoughts. It is also temporary and dissipates almost as soon as we experience it. When we think about the feelings we just experienced, our thoughts can produce it again in response and the cycle can continue. Hate, or any other emotion is not a permanent state of mind. When you experience a disagreeable emotion, accept it (for it is real), realize how and why it was created and you can discontinue the cycle.

[nick66]

Thanks again John, I feel honored that as the OP you've taken the time to respond to me.

 

You know, I really don't hate her, I just don't have it in me to do so. I believe the hate comes from what she did to not only me, but our kids.

 

I've tried my best to keep the high road, and will continue on trying to do so. What matters most to me is what my kids think about me.

 

I want them to grow up knowing that their father never spoke badly of their mother. For me, God and my kids are all that matter to me.

 

Thank you again John, I hope you stick around.

[nick66]

This is what I don't understand. She just sent me a text saying she's thinking about me, and that she misses being with me. She said she's going to sleep and that she'll fall asleep thinking about me.

 

She has nothing to gain by saying thosethings, so I don't understand it. I don't want her back, I just don't love her anymore.

 

Thoughts?

[Raoul]

Nick, it's time to ignore messages such as this. They are simply attempts on her part to prove to herself that she can manipulate you.

 

Little more than bait.

 

Don't take it.

[benga]

If that was the case i.e she was thinking about you, what was she thinking off when she was day dreaming of another man.. yet sleeping next to you.... Nick, the manipulation some of the WAS's are capable of is amazing. I lived through 3+ years of mind numbing stuff.. You are still her security net, and somebody who will be around if and when she falls... You need to ignore such messages if you want your sanity intact and ever want to truly move on.. The decision to divorce and the present circumstances were her's - not yours... If John chimes in here, it would be great, but clearly it is her ego's need to manipulate you and to still exercise some amount of control over you... I suspect it will get worse once she senses and see's you moving on with your live...

[nick66]

She also asked why I had come home early the last two days. She asked if I had someone there, and if so, she was sorry for bothering me.

 

I'll be honest guys, like I told her before, once the divorce was final we were done forever as far as a relationship is concerned.

 

I'm already feeling much better after a few days. I like doing whatever I like when I'm home.

 

I won't be plan b, no way in hell. I don't love her and I'm not physically attracted to her anymore. I know the person she was, and I loved that person deeply. I know the person she became, and that's nobody I would care to be with.

 

I know she's become selfish and manipulative, but that crap won't work on me. I'm taking my kids away for the weekend, just us.

 

I know she wants to go but no, you don't get the family experience anymore with me. Again, I care for her and would never want anything bad to happen to her, but she's not my concern anymore.

 

She had me, all of me, and there won't be another chance. I've come a long way, and I won't be taking steps.backwards.

 

Here's the thing about her though, there have been numerous times when I could have hurt her with words, or like last night I could have just ignored her.

 

For some reason I just can't be mean to her. It's just not me to hurt her, regardless of how much she hurt me. The best way to get back at her is to just have a great life without her.

 

One day she'll see what she lost, and not just me. She lost the family we had together, the future dreams we shared, and of growing old together.

 

Everyday I wake up feeling better. I just hired a contractor to begin work on my house. I've got goals laid out and I'm going to not only accomplish them, but have a hell of a good time doing them.

[waffle]

. . . but that crap won't work on me.

 

It IS working on you. The others here are correct, she is manipulating you. Game playing. Ego-stroking. And it's working like magic. When she dangles a carrot in front of you ("I'm thinking of you") and you respond . . . and then spend time over-analyzing and trying to convince yourself that you're over her and are no longer in love with her, etc. etc. her "crap" is most definitely working. She doesn't even know how well it's working. Where are we, mid-April? I predict by the end of June (probably sooner) she entices you back into her bed . . . once . . . just to prove she can.

 

If this "crap" didn't work so well, women wouldn't do it. Trust me.

 

Here's the thing about her though, there have been numerous times when I could have hurt her with words, or like last night I could have just ignored her.

You SHOULD have just ignored her. Did you not read the posts previous to yours? I suggest you read them. Ignore the game-playing. Unless of course you LIKE being manipulated.

[nick66]

I disagree with you waffle, but then again, I disagree with most everything you post. My relationship with my ex isn't like yours, you hate your ex and most men from what I gather. I have a friendly relationship with my ex.

 

I'll ask you this, why would I sleep with her if I didn't give her sex while we were in the same bed? We slept in the same bed up until she moved out. I cut her off awhile back and it's stayed that way.

 

I haven't contacted her once since she left, and I don't feel the need to. If she wants to talk then I'll listen, it doesn't bother me.

 

I know what I'm thinking, and I know how I feel.

[nick66]

waffle, quotes like this are why I believe you hate men in general. You had a crappy marriage, we get it, but don't lump all men together.

 

"Personally, I'm of the opinion that women are divorced because they want to be. Men are divorced because somewhere there is a woman who just couldn't stand to live with him one more day."