Relationship With X

[Jeffbobo]

Awesome stuff John. Thanks! Happy Easter everyone!

[Juliette ne pas]

Awesome stuff John. Thanks! Happy Easter everyone!

 

Ditto, Happy Easter one and all!

image removed This is a picture of taken at my old home in England around Easter, I lived at the vicarage (the brick home in the background, the center window on the second story was my bedroom) the church was est. 1511 AD, in East Anglia

[lostandhurt]

Hi everyone and Happy Belated Easter.

 

Beautiful picture Juliette

 

Sorry I have been away but I have been dealing with the ex and her lack of parenting...

 

It has been a stressful time but I have it worked out so my son can do better in school. Since switching to me doing all my son's therapy and my ex handling the homework side my son's grades plummeted. My son was with me his whole Spring break so we had a lot of time to talk and work out a solution. Probably till school is out for summer he will only sleep at his mothers on school days and all other times he will be with me. Get off the bus, work on homework, eat dinner, therapy and then hang out together and then I drive him to her house about 9pm to get some sleep to start it all over the next day. He will still be with me every weekend like always.

When I broke the news to her I was smart enough these days to know how to frame the conversation (thanks to all here throughout the years) so it went in my favor with no problems. This thread and reading all the circumstances and issues has helped me flow through issues with the ex so they do not beat me down or pry their way into my life.

Am I doing things she should be helping do? Yes I am. Am I basically doing everything to raise my son? Yes I am. Am I still paying her the same child support? Yes I am. I have learned that acceptance (Thanks again John) is the key to everything. There is a reality in our lives that we just don't like to accept so we imagine this or that or we push it off or ignore it and worse of all we blame others. My signature is my saving grace (see below) and after all these years I still read it almost everyday.

 

Am I a success story when it comes to dealing with a WAS? Hardly, but I have a toolbox full of tools and tricks to keep me from allowing someone else's words or actions from controlling me or steering me from the path I want to be on.

 

Nick,

You have already started to fill your toolbox and I would encourage you to keep finding tools that work for you well. What works for me most of the time may not work as well for you but that doesn't mean there isn't a better way to use the same tool or modify it to work well for you. You are onto the next phase in all this and I actually saw the messages from her coming. She isn't thinking about what they may do to you, she feels lonely or whatever so she tries to make herself feel better. Just like she did with the other guy. This is the way of the WAS. They don't deal with the dysfunctional feeling or thoughts, they do things to make themselves feel better regardless of the collateral damage it leaves behind. Keep this in mind please.

I have a gift for you that sits atop of my toolbox. "What good will come from this?" whenever I am about to react or make a move I ask myself this very question and if no REAL good will come from it I don't say or do it. I saw that you have already done this a little but I wanted to give you something anyways.

 

John nice to see you again. I have loaned out your book a few times and it is now missing in action. It was well read and pretty worn last I saw it...

 

Lost

[John Bendix]

Lost,

 

Good to "see" you again, my friend.

 

I hope my book can give somebody some insight. It was the purpose of my writing it.

[Juliette ne pas]

Hugs Lost, we did miss you...I overwhelmed them in your absence.

I'm sorry about the why which is the Was, but your son is blessed to have you.

Speaking of absent, hope Nick is doing well, My older son had a verbal melt down overseas and that on top of everything else, sent me into a tail spin. I am finally starting to level off.

[nick66]

Hello all, hope everyone is doing okay.

 

Well, another week has gone by and I think my ex is starting to lose it. I really just can't understand nor explain her behavior.

 

First of all, the kids and I went out of town for Easter weekend and had a great time. I did have a moment or two where I missed my ex, because the activity we were doing was always a family one. Once I just concentrated on my kids everything was fine.

 

My ex had been very nice and friendly up until yesterday. I advised her I was sending my youngest daughter to a one week camp she wanted to attend in June, and she asked how I had money for that and for the vacation I just took. Although it was none of her business, I just told her that I had taken out a loan. Her tone quickly changed and we ended the conversation.

 

She had told me she needed to stop by the house to pick up a few things while I was at work, no big deal. I had just purchased a new tablet for my self, and I knew that she would see it. She sent me a text saying "Glad to see you're doing so good. Nice tablet by the way. Thanks for the offer regarding the braces, but I'll figure out a way to pay for them. I still have jewelry I can sell."

 

I had offered to pay her share of my daughter's braces and to just deduct it from the money I owe her from the house. Anyway, she got mad because I'm buying stuff for myself? I told her that it just makes you mad that I'm happy again and that I'm doing just fine without you.

 

I just can't understand that line of thinking. She says she's struggling with bills, and that she may have to get a second job. I just said that the situation she's in is what she asked for. She wanted the divorce, she wanted to be on her own, well, welcome to the real world.

 

I told her that I've been nothing but nice to her, and have helped her whenever she needed it. I told her that I'm no longer her husband and that I don't need her permission for anything, that what I did with my money was my business. I told her that if she wanted to act like that then go ahead, I'm going on with life and if you can't be happy for me then too bad. I had her stop by the house this morning and drop off the house key. I just won't put up with all the drama, not anymore.

 

I'm doing so damn good right now. I'm happy doing my own thing, and it just kills her that I feel the way I do. Do I like it? No, I don't want her to struggle or to be unhappy, but I'm just not responsible for taking care of her anymore. I will do whatever is needed for my kids and no more.

 

It's almost like she wants me to go home, sit in my chair crying about everything. I'm so far beyond feeling like that, and it feels great.

[John Bendix]

nick,

 

There is an old egoic ploy that people use to try to shorten the "lines" of others so their line will look and feel longer. By comparing your own line to those around you, the ego feels more secure (which means to me a higher degree of dysfunction). But the length of your line (or growth) has actually not changed. It is just like all other egoic pursuits, it is a illusion.

 

I remember my X telling my sons, after she left, that she was happier than their father since the separation. It was a selfish egoic need to be happier than me. This merely a ploy to satisfy her ego that her decision to leave was justified. And who cares?

[nick66]

I guess I'm not understanding you John, are you saying that my feeling better is an illusion?

[John Bendix]

No,

 

Your X hopes that you are not doing well. In doing so she is attempting, in her own mind, to "shorten your line". Then, in her own mind, her line is longer. The line is metaphorical. It can be viewed by people to be financial, level of happiness, amount of love life, number of friends, etc. Comparing your own line to everyone else or specific people is an attempt to pacify the ego. "Keeping up with the Joneses" or I am better because I have more than ..... are examples.

[nick66]

Okay, gotcha. I just had a conversation with her and she explained that it's hard for her to see me happy and doing well without her. She said she doesn't deserve me as a friend, that I need to meet someone and forget about her. She said she still has feelings for me and I just left it at that.

[benga]

Nick - also as another perspective, you will simply have to minimize all contact with her. Keep contact/communication revolved around the kids, and nothing else - over email and via text.. She doesnt need to know what you are doing, and how you are... You will simply have to establish these boundaries.

 

Like I had said in one of my earlier posts on this thread, I really feel and worry for you (her reactions/outburst) once you "actually" do move on.. To help yourself and to help her move on, cut the umbilical chord - its still very much attached. Your rollercoaster has just begun - the journey has just begun and her reality has only just begun to dawn.. Many of us old-timers here got onto this thread, in trying to help eachother out in understanding the dysfunctional relationships we had with our ex-spouses after the divorce/separation. It can drive you nuts!!!!

 

Meeting somebody isnt the answer. Helping yourself heal and to be the best father to your children should be your only area of focus.....

[nick66]

benga, I made it clear that while being friends is what I want, I'm in charge of my life and nobody else.

 

As far as me meeting someone, that's something she's worried about, not me.

 

I am living my life for God, my kids, and me. My sole priority is being the best father for my kids. I just became single, I'm in no hurry for a relationship.

[Jeffbobo]

Nick... Save yourself the pain... She said she doesn't deserve you as a friend. She's right. I tried to foolishly do the friend thing in the beginning and it was hell. All I heard is poor me, I can't afford this, I have these problems, guilt, blame and like an idiot I initially helped to my own detriment. The friend thing will be taken advantage of. I'd advise not doing it initially and say not now but maybe sometime down the road.

[nick66]

I'm starting to believe you're right Jeff. She's already complaining about bills. I simply stated that you're getting exactly what you wanted. You yourself are responsible for where you are in life, not me.

[lostandhurt]

Like Yogi Berra said "It's like deja-vu, all over again" isn't it guys?

 

Nick I know this seems new to you but for some of us this is absolutely nothing new and pretty much exactly the same thing.

 

I hid a lot of things from my ex just to avoid drama. As far as she knew and knows I am doing just okay. I actually speak to her (voice to voice) about every 6 months or more and it is only about my son. Everything else is text and email. You will find her memory will begin to slip and she will forget what you both agreed to. That is why emails and texts are golden. My ex would throw a fit about something we had agreed to in an email she had forgotten and I would forward her the email and that was it. No apology, no "oops I forgot" or anything, just silence.

 

As far as figuring her out goes. Trying to make sense of non-sense will drive you nuts as Benga suggested. The dysfunction John speaks of is very real and dwells in many of our ex's. It is their demon to deal with though until they accept it and ask for help.

 

I am glad you got your key back and like Jeff suggested perhaps you need to tell her one day you two can be friends but right now it is best just to be co-parents as you both rebuild your lives.

I found that the best way to deal with the dysfunction is to get as far away from it as possible.

 

John's example reminded me of a guy that my father and I re-drilled and lowered a water well for when I was pretty young. When we turned it on the guy complained that the water didn't fill the pipe and gush out like it had used to and my dad explained that the pump was deeper with more load on the pump which means less water. The guy was not happy and just wanted it to be like it used to be so my dad installed a smaller pipe on the output making the water gush out just like before. The guy was thrilled even though the volume of water stayed the same. For some how it looks is all that matters...

 

Lost

[Juliette ne pas]

Well I finally got everything I think out of the attic, yay! (he can check and put things aside if he chooses to, as it is our sons things and I have trouble going up and down the attic stairs). My boys want some of the plants they bought me for my body and mothers day...and my great great grandmother's rose bush, but other the that I'm done. He is still living in the barracks (for free) till the end of May, then I don't know or care, just as long as he doesn't cause my children to stay in that awful house as they are afraid to go in it anymore, too many bad memories for them, or stay with him and his girlfriend.

I have a question what should I put together for the pretrial?

[waffle]

Why are you going to trial? What's being contested?

[Jeffbobo]

I'm starting to believe you're right Jeff. She's already complaining about bills. I simply stated that you're getting exactly what you wanted. You yourself are responsible for where you are in life, not me.

 

Ain't that funny how that works? Ex: "Hey wait a minute, my lawyer said I'd have the same quality of life after my divorce?!? You mean I *can't* have my cake and eat it too?"

 

There's a lot of posts relating to no contact on ENA. The best post I have heard in all of the NC BS is basically, "no contact is not implemented in order to get your ex to miss you and want you back, it's there to give you space to heal". The death of a dream. The death of your marriage. Treat it as such. I've not physically been in the presence of my ex for two years and in those two years I've only caught a couple glimpses of her. Have not had a phone discussion with her for over a year (minus the couple times she called and left a voicemail or butt dialed me which strangely has happened a number of times). Oh, she still plays the blame/guilt game when she gets the opportunity but it's via text and fun part is that I can look at it briefly, recognize it for what it is and then just delete it. She is now but a ghost. This figure that I had shared life with, loved and was in love with at one point. Almost like the girls I had dated before I met her. I feel nothing when I think about her, where initially, there was this weight on my chest and dull pain in my stomach. Like death. That's how I've dealt with it. I knew her for 25 years of my life yet now I don't know her. My past with her is like a dream.

[Juliette ne pas]

Everything, custody, alimony, property distribution.Ze filed for a bed and board because I took out the restraining order to force me to drop it, then Ze continued on with this, saying I made Ze's life intolerable, its a fault divorce, Ze was planning this for awhile.

[waffle]

Ain't that funny how that works? Ex: "Hey wait a minute, my lawyer said I'd have the same quality of life after my divorce?!? You mean I *can't* have my cake and eat it too?"

My standard of living went UP after divorce, and ten months later it remains that way. My lawyer told me my financial situation would be worse from here on out but it didn't happen that way. Because in my case, I no longer have to figure xH into my monthly budget, i.e. I don't have to plan for his exhorbitant car insurance because of his drunk driving conviction, I don't have to figure in his gambling losses (close to $1,000 a month) I don't have to feed him or clothe him. PLUS he's actually court-ordered to contribute to the support of the fruit of his loins (not that I'm getting it at this point, but the arrearage is accumulating), something he never did while married because HIS money was HIS to spend on HIMSELF. Well, he found out the day the divorce was final just how much of HIS paycheck was HIS!

 

What it tells me when one party or the other struggles financially after the divorce is that they were probably spending a disproportionate amount of the marital income on themselves during the marriage.

 

 

Everything, custody, alimony, property distribution.Ze filed for a bed and board because I took out the restraining order to force me to drop it, then Ze continued on with this, saying I made Ze's life intolerable, its a fault divorce, Ze was planning this for awhile.

I don't know if you have a lawyer, but if not you'd better get one immediately before you get taken to the cleaner's (where did that saying come from anyway? I'm sure there's a story behind it).

[John Bendix]

Amen! This is how I view it

[Jeffbobo]

What it tells me when one party or the other struggles financially after the divorce is that they were probably spending a disproportionate amount of the marital income on themselves during the marriage.

 

Everyone's situation is different. In my case, there was no concept of my money or her money, it was always *our* money. I'm well educated, very successful in my career and make pretty good money. My ex is the exact opposite. No formal education and has not been in the workforce for over 20 years. I'm not a drinker, smoker, toker, gambler or cheater. Pretty much fly straight as an arrow. I do have one addiction, which is that I'm ambitious as hell and am a workaholic. It's ironic that the thing that most destroyed my marriage actually sustains two households in my divorce and makes it all possible.

[Juliette ne pas]

Originally Posted by waffle What it tells me when one party or the other struggles financially after the divorce is that they were probably spending a disproportionate amount of the marital income on themselves during the marriage.

 

I was not given the opportunity work with the ex with the finances, there was no planning for vacations, winter or summer clothes or schools for growing kids or myself, for medical or dental needs kids or self (the military took care of him, even a clothing and food allowance especially TDY), nothing for house repairs or car repairs, tires, nor the future for our kids or ourselves; schooling for the present or the future, no paying off debts, just increasing them... I hid my head in the sand to avoid arguements and threats,

 

Jeffbobo, you and the young men on this thread aren't deadbeats, you seem to be upstanding and decent gentlemen. Please don't take offense, you guys have shown me that not all men or women are Don't take this the wrong way, but after reading many of the different posts from people like yourself, Lost, Nick, Raoul, and John... it makes me believe that maybe (years from now, maybe God willing) I can find a man who has some all of you guys lovely characteristics; hardworking, educated, moral, family oriented, being trust worthy, being worth honor and respect, dutiful, and being able to love and encourage your family and to love them with and through their faults, being willing to go the distance.... Fear not guys, I'm not hitting on you, I am still married( for 4 mos...lol) and then I have a loooong road of healing before me all of you live well over 18+ hours from me...but I like to speak encouraging words to others, especially when I believe them to be true... You see I'm odd that way, I will go out of my way to say thank you to a Vet, compliment someone on their eyes or smile, let someone go before me, see someone having one of those days and try to say something encouraging or sometimes a hug(women only) and pray with them. This is who am, and sadly it was one of the many things my ex despised about me, funny there was very little I think he liked about me. My reason for doing this....I know what its like to be given a second chance, to be the survivor, when others didn't. I know what its like to regret the things left unsaid, because you thought you had time. They are there one minute and gone, literally gone, the next...or your buddies can't "handle it" anymore and you didn't know that last call was really the last call... I learned the hard way that we should never take anything for granted, everything, even the most stable is subject to change when you least suspect it, and life is extremely precious and fleeting. Have a grand day, Juliette.

[thorpe]

I'm definitely financially better off after my divorce. My ex didn't want any of the retirement accounts so even though both me and her lawyer tried to get her to take half she was adamant that she didn't want any of them. After 17 years they have grown substantially and I'm now retired, own my home and a rental property and am financially independent at 52. My ex works in a bar earning minimum wage plus tips and doesn't have any health insurance. But she's been in a relationship for the past 16 years and I'm still single....so who's really better off?

[lostandhurt]

Juliette,

I would suggest you keep a note pad near you at all times and when things pop into your head write them down. The little things that are left out seem to add up to very big costs down the road so keep track of your daily costs, monthly costs and 6 month and yearly costs. Get out a calendar and go month by month making notes about holidays, vacation days for the kids, special costs for each month, special costs for the kids schooling (trips, materials, yearbooks, lunches, transportation) and then figure out a modest food budget, housing budget, vehicle (gas, service, tires, insurance). Don't forget clothing for the kids (shoes are a killer!!!)

Custody can be tricky so try and think of everything to reduce or eliminate problems with him down the road. Since he seems to want to be difficult and work things through the kids that need to be addressed as well. Who will pick up and drop off, if one parent is more than X number of hours late picking up or dropping off what happens. Learn from others mistakes so maybe you should make a new thread asking others on ENA what worked best for them when they went to court and later.

I do know the more time and effort you put in now will reduce your grief later. I still think it would be great for you to talk to some women that have divorced a man in the military. I am sure there are rules and certain things unique to that system you need to know and the best info comes from someone that has been through it before and knows the ins and outs.

 

In the end you want what is fair and not to punish him so keep to the high road and when this is all over you will feel a lot better about the whole ordeal.

 

Lost