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Relationship With X


John Bendix

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Raoul - our dear friend. So good to hear from you after a really long time. Keep chiming in once in a while.

 

WAS season in progress. in less than a few weeks, a couple of my colleagues at work have "dropped the bombs" on their husbands. And they seem to be coping really well at work!! Surprizingly... I remember being a complete train wreck for a few months...

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Raoul - Best outcome for all involved for sure, but I can promise you that it hasnt been easy. While things are back on track to the best of our collective abilities, the first few phases were rather stressful and frustrating. It was really like getting back with somebody who looked like my wife on the outside, but was a completely different person on the inside. It took the better of 18 months to slowly peal the onion (for both of us) layer by layer and work through our differences. It definitely isn't like one of those typical magical make ups that you see in the movies where a couple has been apart for years and seem to drop everything in an instant and run into each others arms.. That crap is so far away from the truth....

 

While we are nearly there (sex life seems to be back on track as well - for most parts), the winner in all of this continues to be my daughter. She is a blossomed. The confidence and happiness that she has got seeing the growing affection between her parents has been incredible for me to be witness off....

 

Hope you are doing well..

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A very bad night last night.

 

The ex and I got into an argument and once she raised her voice to me, I brought up issues from the past. I had promised her before that I wouldn't do that anymore, but I was just so angry that it all spilled out. The worst part is that I could see how much it hurt her. I know people will say what difference does it make, you're not married to her anymore. I just hate hurting her, I just hate it.

 

My only goal left was for us to part as good friends, which was how things were up until last night. I think the reason I exploded like that was because I've never had anyone to talk to about any of it. When we tried to reconcile, her idea of getting back together was to pretend like nothing happened. She would tell me "I can't give you what you need" whenever I was hurting. As bad as she hurt me, I still care about her. Now, let's not confuse caring with love, because I don't love her. I almost feel sorry for her at times when I look at her.

 

I just wanted us to remain friends because of our kids. It's so important to me that we get along for our kids well being. I have never said anything bad about her to any of them, and I never will. If we didn't have kids I would have left her long ago and I wouldn't care if we ever talked again. I don't hate her at all, although she says I will in time. I just don't have it in me to hate her.

 

I guess what I'm wondering is why does it feel like I'm the one who has to constantly suffer through all this pain? It's been about 15 months now of trying to get through all of this. I am completely over being divorced, as I have even told her I could never be with her again. I just don't have those feelings for her anymore. She got upset when I told her that, but I was just being truthful.

 

I know it's selfish, but when do I get to be happy again? I know that being happy is up to me, that nobody can make me happy but myself. I feel okay most of the time, but I also feel angry at times as well. Why do I have to suffer the loss of my kids, and the loss of half my paycheck, when I didn't do anything wrong? I can see that life will be a struggle regarding money. I have to work two extra jobs a week just to make sure I can pay the bills and have food.

 

You know, other than the kids, I sometimes wish I never married her. All I did was work to provide for my family. I worked so she could stay at home with the kids. I alone was responsible for all the money coming in, and I had to work a lot of hours at times to make sure my family had what they needed. When I wasn't at work I was home with my family. I didn't go out with friends, or go out drinking or whatever. My time was spent with her and the kids. I'll admit that over the years we kind of got in a rut, you know just living everyday life. We would go out for date nights when we could and I always let her know how much I loved her. Our sex life was always great, and everything seemed fine.

 

Now, after she moves out next month, I'll be all alone in my house. It's weird because although I don't want a relationship with her, I'm kind of worried about being alone. I know I'll get by, and I'm going to try and be the best Dad for my kids. I ask myself at times though what did I ever do to deserve any of this? Is this karma for something I did in the past? I know I'll never really have an explanation for any of it, but I'm just ready to be happy again.

 

I'm hoping that once she moves out I won't become a hermit and just stay at home. The problem is I just don't feel like going out and doing anything. I have no desire to date right now, or even having someone just for sex. I feel so lost at times, that life has thrown me a curveball and I'm swinging and missing. I guess that after so many years with her I've really just become co-dependent. I've forgotten how to be by myself. It's just so nice having someone to live your life with. Who knows, maybe I'll end up really enjoy being on my own.

 

I look forward to being happy again one day.

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Nick.. I completely get what you are saying. It is frustrating. I am pretty sure that once she physically moves out, you wont be obligated or obliged to do anything for her, and will actually feel more free. You will be free to live life on your own terms and own conditions. While you think you are doing that already, with her around in the house, it is not the same.

 

yes, it is frustrating to shell out half of everything and to top it all you dont get the kids everyday... I completely understand how you feel, specially since you believe you did nothing wrong. Well, happiness will come... one day...eventually... be sure that it will comprise of different things... different people..... all the best with this new phase... I am sure you already know that what you found happiness - i.e. "family" is no more.. it will never be... You will have to redefine your life, your personal goals.... focus on yourself....

 

be the best dad to your kids.. you will get tremendous joy and satisfaction in being there for them... you will have a bigger part to play in their lives now.... more than ever before... they need you... they will be confused.. they will miss you tremendously.. NEVER let them feel your loss...

 

Your personal life will fall into place, but it will take time... You will find happiness in rediscovering yourself, breaking away from the co-dependency, and being completely self reliant for everything in your life. It will be time for you to get back to things that you never did because of your responsibilities as husband/father/provider.. Rediscover those interests and hobbies... immerse yourself in them.. you will rediscover old connections and make some new.... this will be a new phase in your life, and it will be very different from the past 15/16 years of your life.. You will ONLY find happiness if you embrace these changes that WILL come your way....

 

Naturally all of this is easier said than done..

 

I remember when I entered this phase about 5-6 years ago, I felt completely free!!!! It was wonderful... since I was not divorced, and my daughter was living with me at that time, my then ex-wife, didnt like it one bit.. She used every bit of manipulation to try drawing me back into dysfuction (and I did).. If you go back to some of my posts in 2009/10, you will see how frustrated I was with her... You must never allow your ex-wife to do this to you... No guilt tripping, and she too must set you free.... You will have to redefine the existing set of boundaries you have with her. Friendly, but nothing more...... not now....

 

Hang in there my friend.... The devastation of divorce and separation is terrible... takes years to get some sort of normalcy back... We are here for you Nick.. Post away...

 

Benga

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Thanks benga for the encouraging words. Her being mad at me doesn't bother me nearly as much as it used to. I went for a walk to think about things and one thought kept coming up, that I can't wait for her to move out. I don't hate her and and don't love her, I just try to act my normal self around her. I know that I'm getting tired of hearing about her job, I always hated that job. I just listen and nod when she talks about it, surely she can see that I'm nor interested.

 

I'm hoping that when I get home she's decided to sleep downstairs on the couch. If not, I don't really care. I'll apologize for my behavior last night because what I did was wrong. I always apologize when I'm wrong, be it with her, my kids, anyone. I'm a big enough person to admit when I'm wrong. That's something that she can't ever do. When she gets mad she likes to not say anything for a few days. That used to work, now I'll just enjoy the silence.

 

Like I said, I just want us to part on friendly terms. If she can't do that then the next 3 weeks will be tension filled. I will just take the kids with me when I'm off and we'll do things together without her. We don't need her to have a good time, that's for sure.

 

I think I'll start playing golf again, something I used to do on a weekly basis. I'd like to get back into a bowling league as well, I always liked that because you get to meet so many people.

 

I really do appreciate you and the others taking the time to post back to me. You guys always make me feel better about my situation. I'm happy things are going great for you benga. I'm also happy to hear how well your daughter is doing.

 

Take care my friend.

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Nick, Please don't beat yourself up for what you said to her when you were upset. You are human and holding all that in while she has been acting the way she has tends to build up and it can come out all at once. If she chooses to accept your apology or not hold your head high because you have been more than understanding and patient with her all this time.

 

Okay so the reality of your life is coming home to roost. I knew this would happen (it happens to all of us) but I wasn't sure when it would happen to you. Much of the anxiety you feel is just fear. Up until she dropped the bomb on you there was a certain amount of certainty of your future but now that is all up in the air. Man was I fearful for some time. "What will become of me" "how will I survive" "will I ever trust again" "will I ever truly love again" "am I unlovable" "what did I do to cause this" "what do I need to do to fix me" and on and on. Only time can quench those fears because for some reason us humans need to see that we are going to be okay and no matter of advice or support can get us over that hump.

You are not unlike so many of us on here my friend. We have all just wanted to lock the doors and lick our wounds and not put ourselves out there again so we don't have more crap dumped on us. The thing is you were not the catalyst that caused all this, she was or more specifically her selfishness is the cause. Like you I worked my butt off for my family and spent all my free time with them when I wasn't working side jobs to make extra money for us. We all could have been better husbands and fathers but from what I know about you, you were pretty darn good and getting better all the time. Golfing and bowling are perfect ideas and you should start today!!! Don't wait for some certain date or time. Take your kids bowling this weekend and ask about any leagues forming in the area. I am sure you have coworkers or friends that golf so ask if you can join them. This is where you can help yourself more than anything else Nick. I changed a lot about myself and put myself way out there being auctioned off for charity 2 years in a row and I met so many great people it helped me see that I am a good guy and people do enjoy spending time with me and most of all that I can be happy and find joy in the smallest of things. Please make plans today to go bowling.

 

It is no secret why this thread was formed because John Bendix knew we all would have some sort of trouble dealing with our WAS. I am afraid yours is just beginning though. Once she leaves she will no longer have you and the security you bring just by being in the same house. Don't be fooled into thinking she has it easy. She is scared to death and has second guessed her choices over and over again. That may be why you argued, she may be feeling the pressure now that there is a deadline to get out. After all these years it isn't easy to watch them struggle but that is what you must do or risk being sucked into a very bad situation for you if you bail her out all the time.

 

You have to trust us on this Nick, things will get better and in time you will find that you have more than you ever had with her in your life. You just might be surprised how happy you can be with very little and a simple life with the ones you love close by...

 

Keep posting and we will be here for you.

Lost

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You know what Lost, I'm happy I said those things to her. She got so upset that she said she "hated me." She then left the house and drove around for about 30 minutes. She sent a text saying I was just trying to hurt her and was I happy that she was freezing. I simply said nobody told you to leave the house and went back to sleep..

 

I'm done trying to go the extra mile to be nice to her. I will be civil towards her, and I won't do anything mean to her on purpose, but I'm taking care of me now. I left the orthodontist earlier with my youngest daughter who will be getting braces. I paid my $1300 up front and I will hand my ex a bill telling her that she now owes the other $1300. She's a big girl, she'll figure it out.

 

When I got home last night she was already asleep, hey fine with me. You don't want to talk who cares. I watched my shows, drinking my whiskey, and enjoyed the silence.

 

I'm just so ready for her to leave. I can't wait until she's gone. Like I said, I will remain friendly and civil towards her but that's it. I've been getting the names of contractors from various sources to begin obtaining bids for work I'll be having done on my house. Paint and repair the outside, paint the inside, new carpet, etc. All of the stuff that's left behind will go into the trash. New stuff, all mine. I will take the kids to pick out a color for their rooms and will buy them all new furniture. I will abolish all remains of anything she left behind.

 

I feel really good today, really good.

 

Thanks again to lost, benga, raoul, and all those that take the time to post.

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Nick... You just received wonderful advice from Lost. Everytime I was feeling down/low etc, I have reached out to him separately and received the best perspectives, which really helped me make some decisions that I needed to...

 

Just like lost mentioned, John started this thread to dive deeper into the dysfunctional relationships most of us share/shared with our ex-spouses after divorce or separation. This was the theme that got us all together. Many of us had been on this board for a while, but the core theme of this thread originally was around the strained relationship/communication we have with our ex-wives. Where you are at is merely the beginning.

 

I hope I am wrong, but given what I see from the dynamics of your relationship with her at the moment, I think I can second guess a couple of things that might play out with you.

1) I am pretty certain that you will have some sort of drama a week to 10 days before she physically leaves the house. She has lost absolutely nothing so far. She still has the security and shelter that you provide for her. Loosing these is BIG. I am pretty certain that the episode you just had will re-occur. She might just ask you for another chance etc.. even though she knows deep within that she has messed up in a big way. You might just go through what you did months ago when she asked for a second chance. What and how you deal with this is completely your choice. I suspect that she might try and buy some more time before moving out as well.

2) if she does move out without drama, she will continue to guilt trip you about you and your life. It will be impossible for her to see you "move" on and she will do her best to keep reeling you in (manipulative behaviors) each time. You have been her security and the safety net. Loosing this is really hard and people have a strange tendency to get back to the place(s) where they feel sheltered. Pretty certain it isnt going to be coming from her parents...

3) IF she feels you are moving on and getting distant, don't be surprised if she started to behave very differently and less cooperative with you when it comes to scheduling for the children. Again, because they are with her for the majority of the time, this will be her only pawn/weapon against you. The kids are your soft spot, and she already knows that.....

4) There has never been a truly amicable and "friendly" divorce. As much as you might want to believe that is you, it isnt... There is bound to be some sort of hostility, resentment, lashing out etc.. I am quite sure there is pent up resentment/anger somewhere amongst you and it needs to come out. I am not sure when or where, but there will be a trigger which will let loose some amount of this anger/resentment/hatred/frustration....

 

I hope I am wrong, but cant help but think that one of the above will play out in your life rather soon....

 

Hang in there Nick... You still have a year or two to go before you start to feel any semblance of normalcy again.. I hope it is sooner, but these things take a while to deal with......

 

Benga

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Benga,

Thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot to me coming from you knowing what you have been able to accomplish. Your words to Nick are spot on.

 

Nick,

What Benga warned you might happen is all very good information for you to read and store in the back of your mind. Our friend John would constantly remind me that what the WAS does only becomes real when we allow our reactions and ego to turn it into something it isn't. By that I mean if she says or does something that ticks you off just tell yourself "man that ticks me off" and accept that it bothers you but just as quickly let is pass on by. How many times have things happened that really aren't that big of a deal in the grand scheme of our lives but we dwelled on them, stewed over them and made it so very personal and let it linger in our minds ruining days and days or our precious lives? I know I have done that myself but not any longer. John taught me to see things as they are, not as my ego wanted me to see them. I stopped taking everything personally like it was all done to me when in fact it was done around me and I witnessed it.

 

Take our words and store them so when situations come up you will be ready and your reactions will be healthy and helpful to you.

 

Like Benga said as long as you share custody there will be issues. For example just last night my son texted me (he was sick yesterday and stayed home at his mothers) that he was still feeling really bad so I asked him if his mother had given him any medicine. His answer was no she hadn't all day and he would go ask her for some. Needless to say I was ticked off that he had to ASK for medicine when he had a runny nose and a 101 fever! He may be 14 yrs old but when he is with me and sick I care for him diligently. Luckily I know he will stand up for himself if prompted by me (which I did) so I was able to let it go after about 30 minutes. The old Lost would have called her and ripped her for not caring for her sick son like she should be doing which would change nothing except to upset me more because she would start a whole bunch of other crap to deflect from her lack of parenting. Dealing with a WAS is like herding chickens, you have to pretend you don't want them to go where you really want them to go so they think it is their idea and what they wanted all along.

 

I am glad you are okay with what you said to her and didn't let her guilt trip bother you. Freezing? Her car doesn't have a heater? There are some good phrases you may want to memorize and use often like a ballplayer talking to the media. She will complain how hard things are or how broke she is or what ever and then you respond "You are a very capable woman and I am sure you will work it just fine" "I am sure you will get that worked out in no time at all" "People are struggling financially everywhere but you are so good with money I am sure you will do better than most given the same situation" Phrases like these take all the wind out of their sails and give you an escape hatch to jump through. Do your best to avoid getting sucked in Nick.

 

Lastly, keep your remodeling plans to yourself. In fact keep all your plans to yourself. Be extremely vague with her on your entire life. It will make your life so much easier. Other wise you get "I am broke and you are buying new furniture!" "Where did you get all that money to fix up the house?"

 

The key is to make this as easy on you as possible so you can put your energies into your life.

 

Knowing what is coming before it gets here gives you a certain peace that you need....

 

Lost

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benga and lost, thanks as always for taking the time to reply.

 

Well, last night we again talked, this time I was composed and just talked without getting upset. She cried a lot, and was able to open up a little as well. We talked about our marriage and the things each of us felt went wrong, and we accepted the fact we both have a part in our marriage ending. I've never claimed to be the best husband out there, I'm sure I'm far from it. She told me that I was a great husband and a great father, but that at times I emotionally withdrew from her.

 

I know over the years she would tell me that she needed more emotion from me, and I would give it to her. I also know that as time went on I would kind of slip back into the routine of life. She said she knows how hard I worked for our family, and that although I spent all my time with her, that at times she still felt like it wasn't enough. I don't know, maybe I'm missing something. I always came home to her, told her that I loved her multiple times a day, always stayed in contact with her during the day just to say hi, or that I love you. I would always come home and hug and kiss her, and our sex life was really great.

 

I know we didn't have many date nights, or nights just with us and no kids. I told her that if she felt that way then her feelings were justified, that I was sorry I failed her in that area.

 

We then talked about her and what she did. She started by saying it was a mistake, and I said no, it was no mistake. A mistake is forgetting to buy milk at the store, what you did was a conscious decision. She still said it's the same, a mistake. I disagreed and moved on. I also told her that taking her back was a mistake, that if I had to do it over again I wouldn't have. I could tell during our attempt at reconciliation that her heart wasn't in it, and truthfully, mine wasn't either.

 

She said it was hard for her because I kept asking the same questions over and over, and that it didn't seem like it would never end. I explained that for true reconciliation, she needed to do whatever it took for me to get through everything. She said that I would never forget, and I said you're right. Forgiving and forgetting are two different things. I just told her that I had lost all trust in her, and to me that was a relationship killer.

 

She said the biggest thing that bothers her is that I think she slept with someone, but that it never went that far. I just said that I just couldn't believe anything you said because you lied so much. She just cried saying what a bad person she is, that she is going to hell for being a ty wife and mother, and that she is scarred for life because of what she did.

 

I told her that she's a great mother, which she is. She has always been a fantastic mother to our kids, always putting their needs first. I also said that we were brought together for a reason, and that we have three awesome and beautiful kids because of it. The thing is that no matter what happens, I just have never felt hate for her, it's just not in me to do that. I care for her, but I certainly don't love her.

 

I don't see her asking to come back, although I didn't see it coming the first time either. I've told her that I would never take her back, and I still feel that way. I just don't have those type of feelings for her anymore. I'm ready to be single, to enjoy life on my own. If I end up meeting someone great, if not, oh well.

 

I also told her that I'm back, that I lost myself over the last few years. I'm not going to worry about what I'm thinking, I'm just going to say it and if she doesn't like it too bad. I'm not talking about being mean, but I don't have to answer to her or to anyone anymore.

 

Lost, i haven't told her of my plans, I keep all that to myself. It's not her business what I do now. I gave her the bill for the braces last night and told her she'll figure it out. I'm not a back-up plan anymore, and I won't be there to cover her expenses anymore. I told her that while I still care for her, it's no longer my job to take care of her.

 

I've felt really great the last few days, more confident than ever. I'm ready for whatever life brings me, and I'm looking forward to the rest of my "new" life without her.

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I had two kids home today with sniffles/sore throats, etc. and if my xH called and read me the riot act because I wasn't waitressing up to his standards, I'd tell him to F off in a hurry. Is that really a big deal? There are much worse thing than your teen having to ask for something -- oh the horrors! -- rather than have it effortlessly handed right to him. Sorry but that just chapped my @$$ a bit. However . . . I AM a little annoyed that when my kids to to xH's house, he provides nothing. They have to bring their own shampoo/conditioner, toothbrush, toothpaste, and other personal items that he should have there. About half the time I have to send them with their dinner too, or they won't eat. I've never said anything . . . truthfully, it was always a pattern during our marriage that I do 100% and he do 0% so this is just more of the same. Never does laundry either (just his own clothes) so they bring their dirty clothes home to me. That part doesn't bother me, but I've known of women who had it written in to their divorce documents that xH has to send the kids home with clean clothes. I can't even imagine that.

 

From what I've read here, I'm actually pretty damn lucky with my xH. I do get uptight (but again, I never say anything) when he comes to the house, he just wanders around like he still owns the place. But it was also amusing when he went into the master bedroom a couple weeks ago and saw what all I'm doing in there. I recently bought a 40-inch TV mounted on the wall (bought a soundbar yesterday, he hasn't seen that yet) and I'm sure he's wondering how I'm affording this stuff . . . especially since he's unemployed so he no longer pays me any child support or spousal support.

Problem is I was hoping he'd be able to pitch in half for band camp this year (which is rather pricey since we have more than one kid going) and then if he could also pay the entire monthly activity fee for another sport another kid is in, starting in September since I paid the whole thing this year (it's court-ordered that we split it, but since he's broke I have no idea how to enforce that stuff so it looks like I'm going to have to eat that cost again, plus the whole band camp cost which is approaching 4-figures) but there's no way he can afford it now. *sigh* I secretly wonder what would happen if I just presented him with a bill. Does this work? No matter, if I can afford it (and fortunately I can) I'll just pay it rather than potentially have the kids have to go without. Hope I get my bedroom done by then!!!

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Well handled Nick... You have done what you could... Dont look back. There is a future which is yours that you need to plan for. Take care of you, get yourself back and look after your children - be the best father they could possibly have and make sure you are there for them and they dont ever feel your loss..

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Nick,

 

After focusing on the important and ignoring yourself for so long, a little blowoff is not only understandable, it is therapeutic.

 

You've done well through all of this. Give yourself a break. And it's clear you are working on a better future. Benga's 'tagline' is a good one. And you're doing it!

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Nick, I am glad that the band of brothers, Lost, Benga, and Raoul, were able to support you. Like Waffle, I felt like an annoying fly on the wall, or part of the enemy's camp. My heart breaks for you, for all of us as we are in the same boat. lf my soon to be ex were anything like you, I wouldn't be here writing this and he wouldn't be my soon to be ex. And this is where I stand with Waffle, not all women are beasts, please guys don't lump us altogether, for as I have learned from all of you guys, not all men are monsters. I am grateful for the encouragements I've received from you all.

Nick, my brother, you've been stuffing your emotions and If you don't watch it, you will burst, your marriage, your hopes and dreams of a life together with that woman is gone, its dead...but because she is still alive and living with you, you've not been able to grieve or heal properly. It will take a long time, but at least your on the right path.

Me, I am still in limbo to the divorce decree is final. My husband walked out on me and has not looked back once, he left me holding the bag, and yet he is angry with me and makes me look like the devil incarnate, and has told everyone I'm crazy and he worries about the kids being with me. I guess our exes must try to make us feel bad to try to elevate themselves, I feel sorry for them and know all our futures will be less stressful without them. So cheers mate

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Waffle,

You're ex is still coming over to the house and "wandering around"? Seriously? Why? I cut this out very early on by selling the house and moving. This has helped both her and I "cut the chord". Drop off and pick up the kids in the driveway is as far as it should go. As far as him helping to pay for kids activities, this is a tough one. I don't expect my ex to pay for jack. The last time I broached this subject with my ex was when one of my daughters wanted to join the swim team. My ex said, "we" don't have money for that. I said, I'm not asking for money but with my work schedule I'm just asking if you can drop her off and I can pick her up from practice. The answer was that she didn't have time for that. I guess the point is, don't depend on them for anything. If they are unwilling and don't see the benefit of these activities, be as much of a single parent as possible. Connect with other parents to make it happen.

 

As far as necessities that the kids don't have at my ex's place, I just buy extra. Toothbrushes, shampoo, etc, to put in their school backpacks or they just bring what they need over there. If your ex won't do their laundry at his place, then are they old enough to do their own? If so, I would think he could at least teach them. If they're not old enough then that's pretty sad.

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Taking the high road is not always easy but it sure pays huge dividends later on. Well done Nick.

 

Juliette,

No one is saying all women...in fact I know a great many women that are wonderful people whether they are divorced, married or single. Dealing with a WAS knows no gender. There are a great many men that simply walk away or in some cases walk away but never leave until the wife finally gives up and divorces them.

 

Benga's wife walked and left him to basically care for their baby. He did what I could never do and after years and years of her dysfunction and him moving thousands of miles away with is daughter she decided to come back and work things out for real. That is a real man in my book and a AWESOME father.

 

As you have read Nick's story you know he is a stand up guy but that wasn't enough so she looked elsewhere and ruined what she had with a great man and father. How much is enough?

 

My story isn't all that different.

 

We do not hate women nor do we lump them into one pile like so many tend to do. I believe you are a caring woman that is doing everything she can for her children and would have kept trying with your husband if he would have stepped up and been a real man. He chose to bail and run from his promises.

 

I have been here for a while and when a spouse walks away they usually struggle after. They build a fantasy life in their minds that they are escaping too only to find out reality is far from fantasy. It doesn't matter if they have women parts or men parts...

 

I will leave you with these questions.

Would you ever dream of letting your husband leave the country with your child and maybe not be able to see her but a few times a year? Benga's wife did.

 

Would you ever leave your 7 yr old son on a playground and ask a stranger to watch him so you could drive 4 miles away to see your bf? Mine then wife did.

 

This isn't about the weaker sex or abilities it is about dysfunction. You and all of us come here to get advice and yes vent from the frustration of dealing with constant dysfunction and selfishness.

 

I wish everyone a joyous life and yes that means my ex too

 

Lost

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If your ex won't do their laundry at his place, then are they old enough to do their own? If so, I would think he could at least teach them. If they're not old enough then that's pretty sad.

They're old enough to do their own. Problem is at his place it's coin operated, and he's not willing to pay and I'm definitely not willing to pay (it's around $7.00 per load to wash and dry). I can sort of see why he doesn't want to do it or pay for them to do it when I have my own washer and dryer in my home. But there's a selfish part of me that wants to get credit for all of this extra that I'm doing, including paying for all extracurriculars in addition to supporting a family on no child support because he can't seem to hold a job.

 

No one is saying all women...in fact I know a great many women that are wonderful people whether they are divorced, married or single. Dealing with a WAS knows no gender. There are a great many men that simply walk away or in some cases walk away but never leave until the wife finally gives up and divorces them.

 

My point was/is that there seems to be this opinion that any spouse who wants a divorce is automatically in the wrong, that their life will become instantly worse after divorce and they will struggle and fail without their spouse, and that they will be sorry at some point in the future that they ever divorced such a good person. I'm just cautioning people from assuming these are universal facts when they most certainly are not.

 

edited to add: I'm sure many people on xH's side view me as a WAS (a term I despise because it assumes that the spouse wanting a divorce is an evil trollop who simply got bored, and the spouse getting served is an innocent victim who never did a thing wrong to deserve this) because I had the audacity to file for divorce, and the reality is my life improved instantly once the divorce papers were signed. Nine months out and I'm doing better than I ever have. No tears, no regrets, just happiness (and a boyfriend that I've had for several months now ). The only regret I really have is that I didn't divorce sooner.

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This isn't just a divorce thread waffle, but a thread regarding a certain type of individual who cheats and then leaves.

 

Just being honest, but your story really doesn't fit in with this threads purpose. Of course you're more than welcome to post in this thread, and I'm happy that you're doing great post divorce.

 

This is just my opinion, nothing more.

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The thread's purpose seems to be this:

I would like to start a topic on how we deal with the X after the seperation [sic] and divorce.

I think it's very important to consider other possibilities rather than just what we would LIKE to see.

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