Relationship With X

[lostandhurt]

Waffle,

I think you are starting to get what we have and continue to go through. You have viewed our situations from how you act and see things in life as a woman. It is extremely hard for anyone not living through it to understand the dysfunction or a WAS.

 

I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't go through it either...

 

Lost

[waffle]

My problem is not that I'm a female and therefore I can't possibly understand. My problem is that: 1) I don't really subscribe to the concept of the "WAS" and 2) I don't believe there are any victims in the spousal support arena, only volunteers. Certainly I'm stunned at the $3,500/monthly figure and can't for the life of me see how or why anyone would need to be handed that much money, but the reality is Jeff wanted to pay it. I'm not criticizing him; he was honest and said why he wanted to do it and it makes sense to me. But as a woman who technically fits the definition of a WAS, I see how this could have been handled much differently and with a much better outcome.

 

I do feel bad when I read about men here getting taken advantage of, and it truly doesn't sound fair, but honest to God there ARE other options!

 

My other question is (and I get that it's absolutely none of my business, but this whole thing astounds me) if spousal support, which is generally a fraction of court-ordered child support, is so high, how high can the child support be??? Is there even a formal order? Or do you just support the kids, feed and clothe them, etc. and the money doesn't go through her?

[lostandhurt]

Jeff didn't WANT to pay that much (chime in here Jeff) the court ordered him to pay that much and he agreed.

 

Believe what you want Waffle but the WAS is real. Men and women both can and have been a walk away. Your description of your marriage and ending do not constitute a WAS situation.

 

There are men that have been on here that pay upwards of $3,500 support for life. New Jersey is the worst state to for this and many ex's never remarry because they like the money they get from their ex husbands. The system is broken that is for sure.

 

The men that post here are real men that take care of our responsibilities and usually much more.

 

Lost

[villagehero]

Hi everyone. Instead of starting a new thread I figured I would join in on the discussion since it seems there are a lot of cases that deal with children.

 

I'm currently going on 9 months of being dumped (never married) from my ex of almost 9 years. We have one amazing little 4 year old girl that we care for very much. We have yet to go to court as we are trying to approach things amicably.

 

Right now I am dealing with a couple of things, especially towards my end of the spectrum since I was the dumpee. She has been dating someone for about 9 months now and the guy seems to be a good one and someone she really cares for.

 

I am having a difficult time staying consistent with my emotions. I notice that at times I want to reach out to her and be kind and warm and very endearing, usually after she has shown me the slightest amount of affection and kindness.

 

For example, last week she had a mishap in which she injured her leg. My reaction was to take care of her and have her stay with me in which she did. A couple of days later she sends me a text that says "this song reminds me of you" and that kind of attraction has not happened in a while. She then stated that while I was taking care of her she felt a side of me she hadn't felt in a while.

 

The other night we were on the phone to figure out baby sitting issues and we were arguing because she was in the emergency room this past weekend and did not even call me or let me know (the new guy was taking care of her). I blew up at her because of her lack of regard for me (obviously coming from a place of longing and ego) and she made a couple of comments that threw me off. Things like "our bond is unbreakable" and the classic "i don't want to hurt you but....I Love you", and how she thought of me when she was in the emergency room.

 

It seems that she still cares for me but is afraid of taking a risk and chance again because (1) of my past mistakes, (2) she has someone that has a clean slate and (3) my inability to stay emotionally consistent.

 

I need help. My main goal is to arrive at a point in which my emotions and ego do not feed off of her acceptance and rejection for a couple of reasons. (1) I would like to have her back in my life but I feel like I am shooting myself in the foot and pushing her further and further away, (2) I want us to be civil and friendly, at least for the sake of our daughter.

 

Last night we got into an argument and I can tell it was because of me. We were discussing our past and relationship and I brought up all those things I mentioned above (what she told me) and she almost seemed to water it down, as if it was just an in the moment thing and nothing else. It threw me off. I was already in a distant place because we went and removed our names from the phone bill (cutting more ties) and that just added to it. We were arguing about who was supposed to take care our daughter and I just couldn't take it anymore and asked her to leave.

 

Today has been awful. Court threats, bitterness, spitefulness, and many other things on BOTH our ends, but I know that it stems from my inability to let go and accept what is.

 

I sometimes feel like I am bipolar around her. My emotions only fluctuate around her. I want to get better and release what seems to be hindering me from not only moving on but even possibly winning my family back.

 

How do you cope with a continuous reminder of what once was? Because of the bond that is our daughter, I have to see, hear, and speak to her the rest of my life. It was my fault we arrived at this point during the relationship and now I seem to be at a very tumultuous point emotionally. Please help.

[Jeffbobo]

Jeff didn't WANT to pay that much (chime in here Jeff) the court ordered him to pay that much and he agreed.

 

Believe what you want Waffle but the WAS is real. Men and women both can and have been a walk away. Your description of your marriage and ending do not constitute a WAS situation.

 

There are men that have been on here that pay upwards of $3,500 support for life. New Jersey is the worst state to for this and many ex's never remarry because they like the money they get from their ex husbands. The system is broken that is for sure.

 

The men that post here are real men that take care of our responsibilities and usually much more.

 

Lost

 

No. I did not *want* to pay that much. Alternative was to live together, which she wanted. That was not possible. Tried it for a month and it was one of the most insane times of my life. I can't even describe to you the hell that time was so I told her to get out.

 

The court said spousal maintenance was to maintain the same standard of living. What a frick'n joke. How do you take one income which a family depends on, split it in half and say that BS.

 

Her time is up though. It's been 3 years and she's switched career directions multiple times. My decree states that she will finish her nursing degree and then we re-evaluate. I've been understanding and patient up until this point. Dropped the bomb on her recently. She gives every excuse under the sun. She's been attenpting to rip my nards off with issues from out past. Last thing I heard from her is that she's entitled to alimony. She's been holding the kids from me for the last week and a half. The kids have been in constant contact with me. The hardest part has been when they continually say, dad, your suppose to pick us up? Why aren't you picking us up? It's your day, are you picking us up? I'm going through hell right now.

[lostandhurt]

Hero,

Your emotions are supposed to go up and down and you are supposed to feel like this so stop trying to control what is a normal reaction to a very sad situation.

 

The best way for you to avoid some of these issues that you speak of is to stop discussing the past. You are broken up and she is with a new man. No more taking care of her, no more having her stay with you, no more rushing to her rescue and certainly no more getting upset because she didn't tell you that she was in the emergency room or anywhere else for that matter.

 

Right now she has the best of both worlds. She has her new man and she also has you on an emotional tether that she pulls on when she feels the need and then pushes you away when the need fades.

 

Of course there are still feelings on both sides but the fact is you are not together so start acting like it!!!

 

If you want to get her back start figuring out the "WHY'S" in your life. Why did I act like that? Why did I treat her and others that way? Why do I allow my ego to take me down that path? See what I mean? If you begin to answer these questions and learn and grow so you do not repeat them and actually start to be the man you want she will notice and just maybe you might get another chance but it has to come naturally over time and not forced.

 

You are a single father and need to learn how to be the very best single dad you can be. Nothing else matters right now....NOTHING!

 

The best thing is to be amicable but business like in dealing with her. It is very important to get some sort of written agreement to protect you in the years ahead. Custody, child support, medical care, holiday visits, proximity and on and on need to be settled now.

 

If you want a chance be a great dad and a real man like you always wanted to be. Women love a man like that.

 

Lost

[lostandhurt]

Jeff,

You knew she wouldn't take it quietly. Sounds like she is in violation of the custody agreement. Be sure to document everything with times and dates. Try and correspond with her through email all the time so you have a written record of her statements.

 

It sucks having your children being kept from you like that but it just shows who she really is deep down inside now doesn't it?

 

What is your next step? File papers for the breach of custody or simply call the sheriff?

 

Stay calm buddy and stay on the high road always

 

Lost

[villagehero]

I like your perspective on figuring out the "Why's?". Next Monday I will begin attending Codependent anon meetings and hope to at least figure out why my thoughts keep focusing on certain things.

 

I read somewhere that when a relationship ends, the dumpee isn't necessarily heart broken but rather "thought" broken since we tend to ruminate and dwell on what we want things to be rather than what they really are. This of course creates that cycle of up and down that just creates more aching and confusion.

 

My daughter is the most important thing to me. Another reason why I must dissolve these thoughts. My positivity is definitely 80% better than what it was when all of this first occurred but I need to be at a 100% so she can have the best version of me.

 

Amicable but business is true. I just started a new job and once I get my finances in check I will go to court and have everything set up correctly.

 

Maybe I'm afraid of letting go and losing my feelings towards her. I don't know. But I can't attempt to even consider us again until the old relationship and mindset is completely done with and evolved into something better and different. Oh and the tiny little detail of her having someone else in her life.

 

Some days I do well on my own. Other days I come back to the website to get an emotional "boost" just to remind myself that I am on the right path and that in time I will be completely healed and anew.

 

Thanks Lost.

[waffle]

Believe what you want Waffle but the WAS is real. Men and women both can and have been a walk away Your description of your marriage and ending do not constitute a WAS situation.

What would your definition of WAS be, in your own words?

 

From what I can tell, it is basically any spouse who wants a divorce, particularly against the wishes of the other party. Especially if it's sudden. By that definition, yes, I am a WAS. I wanted a divorce more than anything I've ever wanted in my whole life.

 

When I do a search for WAS, I see something else. The links it returns suggests that a WAS is a person (usually the wife, it looks like) who identified problems in the marriage, tried to work on those problems and get the other spouse on board with working on those problems, it didn't work and at some point the person/wife gave up, the spouse breathed a sigh of relief that all the problems were solved since the wife wasn't b*tch*ng anymore, not realizing the wife simply gave up. Then they got surprised with divorce papers and at the 11th hour realized, oh shoot, my wife really WAS unhappy and I didn't listen and now he thinks he is owed his marriage back because NOW he wants it. Never mind what the wife went through years prior while the husband sat back and thought, "well I'M happy so what's the problem?"

 

In that vein, yeah, WAS is real. It's the term that's false. The term doesn't fit the definition. Walk-away suggests the wife just got bored and went on in search of greener pastures. What I described in the previous paragraph is anything but "walk away."

 

Oh dear . . . I have more but it'll have to wait. "The Talk" has shirtless Chippendales on and I can't concentrate. More later.

[lostandhurt]

You are welcome Hero.

 

Keep posting, it does help.

 

You have a journey in front of you but you can't start it until you become brave enough. This time is now! There is nothing to fear out here believe me on this one. I once wondered "what will become of me" "will I ever be happy again" and on and on. Yes I am happy and my life is pretty darn good and yours will be as well.

Take your time and accept that there will be good days and bad and in time the bad will be farther and farther apart.

 

Lost

[lostandhurt]

Waffle,

A spouse that has a dysfunctional view of the marriage or relationship. Many times they decide that they are not happy and since they cannot blame the kids or the beautiful house and they certainly can't look inward they blame their spouse. If I get a divorce then I will be happy because he/she will be out of my life.

 

In my case my wife was happy with our marriage although it wasn't perfect and Lord knows I could have been a better husband but I was trying and did care. She even told her sister days before she started talking to the loser she cheated on me with how well we were getting along and how happy she was and the future was looking good.

Many of us men on here worked our butts off to provide for our families and spent a great deal of time at home taking care of things as is proven by the posts you have read about us.

 

Simply having a unresponsive husband that had plenty of warning signs and did nothing to try until the wife gets fed up and leaves is not a WAS. The dysfunctional part to the equation is the key. Bengas wife left him and his daughter that was very young but kept coming back to play like they were still a couple. This went on for years and years.

John's wife is still in a place no one can figure out.

And yes it happens to women as well. There was a great woman on here that went through what we have. I personally know another woman that was a victim of a WAS.

 

Like I said believe it or not, that is your choice. Just getting out of a bad marriage that has gone on for years does not make a WAS.

 

Lost

[Jeffbobo]

Got the kids back. Everything is good for now... At the same time this is going on, we're fighting about spousal maintenance. I sent her papers last week on my intentions. I've heard our past issues regurgitated add nausium. I've heard every excuse under the sun as to why she's changed career direction multiple times and is not done; she has ADHD, dyslexia, anxiety, childhood issue, seeing a therapist, etc, etc. I have a lawyer (I've not told her). She threatens with her lawyer. Though I've not responded to the threats, inside I'm thinking "See you in hell, beyatch".

[waffle]

Jeff, is your spousal support/spousal maintenance/alimony in lieu of child support? See, I just can't make any sense of this. Where I live, child support is the priority and spousal support (if any. Most of the time it's not ordered at all) is figured on what's left AFTER child support is deducted from the xH's income and is always always ALWAYS a much smaller amount than child support. Is it really that much different in other states? Given this, your child support (here) would be somewhere in the neighborhood of $10,000 a month. That would make your total outlay approaching $15,000/month and honestly I don't know anyone paying that. I don't know anyone even making that. Oh wait, I DO know someone making that but it sure isn't me though, darn the luck. Anyway, I just find it REALLY ODD that the court (whoever "the court" consists of) made your xW top priority and the kids . . . not at all. Even though it sounds like she has full custody(?). So why would no child support be ordered? Or does the $3,500/monthly figure include both child and spousal support? Sorry, I find this all very fascinating but I feel I must be missing something.

 

edited to add: Or it could be like my brother's ex-wife. They arrived at a nice healthy figure for child support and xSIL says, "that's not enough for me" and the judge told her "it's not FOR YOU" lol! No worries, though, she left the courthouse and went right to the welfare office 'cause God forbid she get a JOB!! She was pretty clear with my brother that it was, in fact, all HER money and if he wanted anything for the kids, he would have to pay for it. And he does. So in that vein, everything he pays her is "spousal support."

[lostandhurt]

That is great news Jeff.

 

Glad to hear you are moving forward on getting your life back. You have been more than patient with her.

 

Luckily by now you are ready for all her antics and threats.

 

Lost

[Jeffbobo]

I pay child support "in addition" to spousal maintenance. It's just not based on state guidelines. So I pay for cell phones, medical/dental, activities, school costs, Etc. These are considered co-costs and are outlined in my decree. I still pay to support them with food/clothing/etc, under *my* roof. These "co-costs" come out to be roughy what I'd pay in child support "if" she was working full time, in the field she was suppose to by now.

 

At this point, discussing things with my lawyer, a drastic reduction of spousal maintenance is in order. She can either choose to keep child support as originally stated in our decree or go by state guidelines, plus pay a percentage of the co-costs. What we have is pretty solid. I'm in the process of presenting this to her within the next couple days. She can either accept or we file an affidavit and let the lawyers chew up more cash. I'm fine either way.

[Jeffbobo]

That is great news Jeff.

 

Glad to hear you are moving forward on getting your life back. You have been more than patient with her.

 

Luckily by now you are ready for all her antics and threats.

 

Lost

 

She's just somebody that I use to know at this point. All this BS has killed anything that ever was with her. When I get past this final crap I will be a free man full of hope for my kids and myself.

[Jeffbobo]

Well, she's going to go down the "I have learning disabilities" route... She tells me how her mom and sister have had issues with dyslexia and that she is going to get tested. This, her ADHD and myriad of other issues are the reason she's changes career directions so many times and can't finish school. This is what she will argue, since I've presented her with a lawyer and a motion. I feel like I'm dragging this huge anchor that I can't break free of. I feel so trapped. I need to move on and be done with this.

[waffle]

Strength to you, Jeff!

 

******************************

 

So I broke up with the guy I've been seeing for several months now. Kind of a long story, but the bottom line is he's still in love with the ex-wife (gee, there's a theme I haven't seen before lol!). To be fair, I knew this going in, but I guess I thought . . . I don't know what I thought. That I could serve as a sufficient enough distraction and he'd forget all about her? I don't know. It didn't work, anyway.

 

In other news, there was a huge bolt of lightning that struck my neighborhood on . . . was it Thursday? Followed immediately by an incredibly loud clap of thunder. In broad daylight, with no other storm-like things present, no rain, no wind, no nothing. Strangest thing ever. Found out later that it hit a tree the next street over . . . the tree was absolutely destroyed. But what's really odd is I was at home with the TV on, and when the lightning hit there was a loud pop and the TV went out. Turns out, HDMI port one where the satellite dish is plugged in, is toast. Why would that happen? I can get a splitter and still plug in other things, but if port #2 ever goes out (the TV is less than 6 months old and do you think I can find any of my original papers? Of course not) then . . . ? Oh well. Just wanted to vent. There are people out there who have worse problems so I know I should shut up.

 

Oh yeah . . . xH apparently found a job. And has been successful in dodging the child support agency with his new employer information because my child support and spousal support, which was already a pittance because he was on unemployment, is now no more. No surprise. I'm amazed he paid it as long as he did, to be honest.

[Jeffbobo]

Waffle,

How did you know he was still in love with his ex wife? Chalk it up to experience for next time. Also, are you saying your ex has stopped paying anything all together? What do you mean no more? Interesting... I've dated 3 woman who pretty much gave up on pursuing child support. A common theme I heard was that yeah, it was hard but that they didn't have to deal with them anymore so it was worth it. One of the woman, whom I still talk to and hang out with on a regular basis has been divorced for 13 years, ex went AWOL, she raised 3 boys on her own, worked multiple jobs, furthered her education and never saw a dime of support. I have nothing but the utmost respect for this woman and what she has been through. Funny... Her ex is now back around and sniffing for another chance with her, which angers her.

[lostandhurt]

Jeff,

If she has all these conditions she can file for disability or social security. I work with someone that had dyslexia and I know a few of my coworkers have to have ADHD and it doesn't stop any of them from working.

 

I can't imagine a judge putting up with this much longer. I hope they see through her crap and cut her off. In the end it will be what is best for her so she can get her life going. I have a feeling if you do manage to cut her off that she will suddenly fall in love with some guy (next victim) and marry him.

 

Stay on the high road buddy

 

Lost

[nick66]

Hey everyone, I thought I'd stop by to see how everyone is doing. I'm sorry you're going through so much Jeff, hopefully it gets better for you. I also just wanted to give an update to those interested.

 

Okay, up until about 2-3 weeks ago, my ex and I were still kind of hanging around with each other. We would go and do stuff with the kids, have dinner with them, stuff like that. We told each other that we would take things slow, no pressure, and see how things would go from there. Neither of us were/are currently dating, actually, neither of us has since we've been divorced. I'll say this, although something inside of me really wanted things to work between us, I just felt like I could never trust her again and my heart wasn't really in it.

 

She still has the same job she had towards the end of our marriage, which is still a deal breaker for me as far as getting back together. She has said she's been looking, but so far hasn't found anything. There came a point around 2-3 weeks ago where I just finally had enough, and I told her I just couldn't do it anymore and we were done for good. I went to my high school reunion the following weekend and 5 hours of that night just changed my life around.

 

Like I said, since the divorce I haven't dated, haven't really wanted to. I've just been spending my time with my kids and doing stuff around the house. Well, the night before our reunion we had a casual mixer at a local bar. It was so nice to get out and be with people that I either knew or reconnected with again after 30 years. Anyway, this one woman came and sat down a few seats away from me at the bar, and I'm telling you, she was absolutely one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. I felt nervous though, as I'd been married for over 16 years, so I kind of made eye contact with her a few times.

 

I saw that she had a name tag on, so she was obviously from our class there for the reunion, and I was determined to talk to her. Unfortunately, one of the women who was there got so drunk she had to be taken back to the hotel. I had offered to drive her earlier so I had to do as I promised. I never got to speak with the other woman, and I thought about my missed opportunity all night.

 

Next day is the reunion, and lo and behold, in walks the woman I had wanted to talk to. I spent the next few hours not talking to her, but others at the reunion. It's funny because I've never been that way around women in my life. I've always been able to walk up to any woman and talk, not caring if I was turned down or not. I just felt so nervous, I'm guessing it was again because it had been so long since I've been single.

 

Anyway, she eventually came up to me and started a conversation, and from there my old self was back. She asked me if I wanted to leave and go get some drinks, I of course said yes. We went to a bar until closing, and then had breakfast and eventually called it a night around 4am. I'm not kidding when I say that was the happiest I've been in over two years. She not only was beautiful, but more importantly, she was just so much fun to be with. She made me feel great again, like I was important. We ended the night with her dropping me off at the hotel, yes, she was driving. She said let me get out and give you a hug, and when I met her at the back of the vehicle she gave me a kiss, something I never even saw coming. It was a quick kiss on the lips, but it still was very nice.

 

The sad part of it is that she lives in California, so I'll probably never see her again until another reunion. I just can't express how those 5 hours changed my outlook on life. She made me feel great. While at the reunion, most of the guys I spoke to were telling me how beautiful she was, that she hasn't aged at all. It made me feel so good that she walked up to me and asked me out for drinks. Talk about a confidence booster! I also reconnected with so many people and now we're all going to try and get together at least monthly.

 

Now, my ex started in with "did you meet anyone' and other questions. I know, it's none of her business, but I just don't lie when asked a question. Now, I would have never said anything about that weekend, but she asked. I just told her about the woman I met and what we did. She basically started crying and took off in her car. Then the phone calls start, "what did she look like, what color eyes, breast size, did we sleep together." I told her that I was uncomfortable with her questions, that I wasn't answering them. Of course she kept on and on, so I just gave her the basics.

 

Ever since the reunion she's been acting like she wants me back, crying and saying how badly she screwed up. I mean apology after apology. I'll be honest, I get no satisfaction from this at all, in fact, it bothers me to see her so upset and hurt. I'm not into revenge, into rubbing anything into her face, that's just not me. I could tell over the last few days she's been contacting me more and more, and it's because she says she has "strong feelings' for me. I just told her I'm sorry, I'm not in love with you anymore and that we're done as far as a relationship is concerned.

 

Today she sends me a text with a broken heart. I just replied that it's unfair to me what she's doing, that I gave her everything I had but it wasn't good enough in the end. I told her I'm happy now, and that just kills her. I just want us to continue being friends, especially since we have kids. I told her that I feel like you're acting this way because now that you can't have me, you want me.

 

I just want to say that I feel so good where I'm at right now. All of my stress and anxiety left when I told her we were done for good a few weeks ago. I just can't go back to her, I can't trust her and I can't believe a word she says. That's not something I want in a relationship. I'd rather be alone than to deal with that crap again.

 

Feels good just writing all of this out. Take care everyone!

[lostandhurt]

Wow Nick that was some update!

 

Your ex's reaction was classic. How do you feel about cutting the cord?

 

I am very happy you got out and reconnected with old friends and classmates. There is a whole world out there and many good times to be had if we just get our butts out of the house and put ourselves out there.

 

I love that you had a nice evening with a beautiful woman. There is nothing like getting some validation that you are still attractive and interesting. Funny that no matter how many friends tell you that you are good looking and a great guy but until a woman comes along and shows interest in you that you have a hard time accepting it. To bad she was from California and it couldn't continue.

By the way I am from California, where exactly is she from?

 

Thanks again for the great update Nick. I always love good news

 

Lost

[nick66]

Lost, she said she lives in Diablo, which I believe is up near San Francisco. Yeah though, I was on such a high for the next few days after being with her. Of course that wears off, and it's back to everyday life again. I did have around 10 females from my reunion send me a FB request the next day after the reunion. Of course some of them are married, and it's just as friends because we knew each other from school.

 

As far as my ex, I feel good about my decision. She told me that it wasn't until she found out that I was with that other woman that she realized how much I still meant to her, and that it "killed" her knowing I was with another woman. She sent me a text the other day with a broken heart and a sad emoticon, and I just replied that it wasn't fair to me for her to be doing this. She just said she realizes she made a huge mistake and just wanted her family back. I just told her that for me, it was too late, that I didn't have those feelings of being in love with her anymore.

 

She took it badly, but there's not much I can do about it. She did go with me and my kids to my Aunt's funeral today, which I really appreciated. She said she wanted to attend out of respect for both me and my family. We of course sat together in church and at the reception afterwards, and got along great like we always do. I kind of felt bad for her a couple of times, as I could see tears in her eyes during the church service, but I didn't make any moves to console her. We got back to my house and dropped off the kids, and she left to go back to work.

 

I know before I would have to fight back my feelings towards her, but I just have been able to move past all of that. I'm happy now with the way things are, and I have no intention of going backwards. Now, I have no idea what the future holds, but it would take quite a bit for me to even think about starting up anything with her again. I just don't want to go back being with someone I can't believe or trust, and certainly all of the stress and anxiety that go with that.

 

Like I said, I'm in a really good place now, and I'm moving forward. Thanks Lost, it's always nice to hear from you.

[waffle]

Waffle, How did you know he was still in love with his ex wife?

He has shown with his actions, and admitted with his words, that he is very much hung up on her. He gets defensive about it and says they have a lot of history together. She's doing geneology (on his family) and has to text constantly to tell him where his great Uncle Clem was living in 1909. I was patient about it because it seems like my kids text a lot too although I'm making headway in discouraging that unless it's important. But one time he missed a text and she called and he was in the next room (we were at his house) and I heard him say ILY to her in a very low voice, so I wouldn't hear I guess. His volume was up high enough that I could hear her voice on the other end, and predictably she said nothing in response to that. Don't get me wrong, I'm not mad . . . it's how he feels. I can't be mad about that. From where I sit, it seems most men remain in love with the Ex for many years, some forever, so it's nothing out of the ordinary. But I'm just not interested in putting myself through that.

 

Speaking of history, though, my xH relayed through one of the kids that a mutual acquaintance has died. Someone that we knew back in the very early days of our marriage. It made me think that it would be really nice if we could be on cordial terms so we could at least TALK about stuff like this. The fact that he mentioned it to one of the kids and said "tell your mom" is progress, I'm thinking.

 

However, he's still determined to be a thorn in my side . . .

. . . are you saying your ex has stopped paying anything all together? What do you mean no more?

His unemployment has come to an end, and the child support agency has no employer on file to send a Request for Payment. So the payments have just . . . stopped. According to one of the kids, he started working approximately a month ago . . . obviously I can't know FOR SURE but the fact that unemployment has ended is a strong indicator that he's getting income from somewhere else now. I looked at our divorce documents and it says that he has to keep the child support agency updated with current address and phone number, but it says absolutely nothing about change in employment. Of course.

 

 

... I've dated 3 woman who pretty much gave up on pursuing child support. A common theme I heard was that yeah, it was hard but that they didn't have to deal with them anymore so it was worth it. One of the woman, whom I still talk to and hang out with on a regular basis has been divorced for 13 years, ex went AWOL, she raised 3 boys on her own, worked multiple jobs, furthered her education and never saw a dime of support. I have nothing but the utmost respect for this woman and what she has been through.

Oh, me too. I know women like this. In those cases, though, usually the xH/father flees the state, or is in prison, or some such. My xH lives a mile and a half away. How hard can it be for the child support agency (which is a state-level government agency) to run his SSN, or driver's license, and find out where he's working?

 

The common theme I've seen just these few months I've been dealing with this, is deadbeat dads are only half the problem. The bigger (in my opinion) problem is that the child support agency strongly discourages mothers from pursuing back child support. They would prefer not to be involved. The attitude seems to be if I would just go without it, then there would be no need for dad to pay support and then he could keep all HIS money. It's like pulling teeth to get them to do anything.

[benga]

Waffle - you said "From where I sit, it seems most men remain in love with the Ex for many years, some forever, so it's nothing out of the ordinary". Perhaps thats just your opinion. Do ask yourself a question - Is your exH still in love with you?

 

These extermely general or sweeping statements aren't necessarily true or correct - and I am pretty certain that most folks on this thread will disagree with you. You are certainly entitled to your opinion, which is why you have been urged to post them in a more relevant forum several times over... Perhaps this thread isnt for situations like yours...