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villagehero

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  1. It’s a bit dramatic, I admit and perhaps my writing style does exude a hint of over exuberance but it’s all just personal thoughts that I don’t necessarily have anywhere else to release. Basically, I was in a long term relationship 8 years ago for over 8 years. We had a child during year 5 and then it ended. It ended poorly due to a rough fallout mainly created by my infidelity in the early years. 95% of this thread is dedicated to that story. Fast forward to 2 years ago I found myself in a other relationship with another woman. The night I was going to end it she told me she was pregnant and at the risk of causing her emotional pain during a pregnancy I kept my mouth shut. Now it’s more complex because of her legal status issues. As far as parent hood is concerned, I’ve got two beautiful children who I love more than anything. My oldest daughter I have shared joint custody and I have her 50% of the time. Never missed one soccer game, school activity, and some would even say I’m much more engaged as a parent in her life than her mother (but certainly not more important). Now I’m helping raise a young baby boy and I will continue to do the same role and give him the same love I have poured to my oldest. Always appreciate of the feedback. Again this place is an emotional oasis of sorts that I really appreciate and if my story can even help one person who’s going through anything similar then it’s been worthwhile.
  2. I posted about my newborn baby but perhaps I did not give enough context as to how I arrived at that position or even more how I feel about it. This is that story: It was a cold December back in 2018. I had just returned from a trip to NYC with my new girlfriend Lina. We had been dating for a little under a year and it was a refreshing experience to say the least. We are both from the same country and share a lot of similarities (and plenty of differences too). It took my mind off of my ex and also reminded me of the fun particulars during the early stages of a relationship. No drama, no arguments, and certainly no babies lol. She'd never been to NYC and it so happens that it's one of my favorite cities on the planet so I figured why not. I was making decent money at my job and felt like it would do us some good. We went for a few days and met up with her sister who was an au pair at the time living in NYC. The trip went well but something struck me about her that I hadn't felt before. Her interaction with her sister was very combative and dry. Not what I was expecting from two sisters but then again maybe that's my fault for having expectations. It changed my entire outlook on her. The feeling was subtle and hard to pinpoint but I knew that my heart was not in it with her anymore. I had to make a choice as I refused to repeat the mistakes of the past. No more dragging things along and no more being afraid to speak. It was clear as day and I was ready to break it off with her. No harm no foul. We made it back from NYC and I was going to invite her over after we got settled back in to the routine to tell her how I felt. She had not called in a few days so I questioned that perhaps she felt the same way? We finally made plans to meet at my house and I was mentally ready. She came over and said she wanted to talk. I let her speak first. I could tell something was also bothering her and I immediately thought it was the mutual feeling of this not working. She took a deep breath and spoke: The floor from under me turned viscous as my legs trembled to find stable footing. My artillery of words ready to fire off the final shot suddenly disappeared and left an empty chamber of fear. How could this have happened? What am I to do? There's plenty of times to end a relationship properly and swiftly but right now?! At a moment when a woman is at her most vulnerable and alone with how incredibly unique and daunting a pregnancy is? I could see the fear in her eyes. Tears began rolling as she knew it wasn't the right time for this. Like most newly loves do we discussed babies and family so innocently. But not now, not at this time. She apologized and reiterated that she didn't expect for this to happen. I began to think of all the times her alarm would go off on her phone reminding her to take her birth control. There would be times when she would verbally say how she forgot to take the pill or she was late in taking it. The thought did occur to me that perhaps she did this on purpose? But then I remembered (and left off from this paragraph) that she was currently married. Not for love but for papers. It's more common that you think. She was upfront about it and I even met the guy to whom she was "married" to. No threat whatsoever. He was a bit older with a daughter and was focused on his spiritual journey as a Yogi/Hindu type. To be married to one man and then to get pregnant on purpose is such a counterproductive task. Most people charge 10-12k Dollars to be married and I knew she was paying the guy a good bit every month. Why would she throw that money away like that? Not just money but time. It takes about 3 years to have your residency granted. She had already finished one. Why would she get pregnant on purpose then? I don't think she did. It was an accident. But now suddenly I found myself in a worse spot than I began. I can't end this right now? I would be the world's biggest *** ( if I wasn't already) to do such a thing to a first time mom. I hugged her after all the emotions and back and forth. I told her it would be fine. But then I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth as I knew I would have to swallow my own heart so that she and my unborn child could have a health pregnancy. I created life by sacrificing my heart......
  3. She still haunts my dreams. During waking hours I don’t even flinch anymore yet my subconscious will play some rendition of the same situation in my head at night. There are periods of nothing which is great but lately I’ve kept repeating the same movie with no beginning or end. It’s us getting along and being friendly with peppered moments of a defunct attraction. Even as I lay here in bed next to my new wife at 4am, my past lays still suspended in time in my ego’s eye.
  4. Today marks 6 years. It’s 2am and sitting in my driveway inside my car while my newborn son and girlfriend sleep in the house. My ex took my daughter to my home country for the next 5 days. She is now nine years old. Her mother is still with the DJ. It’s safe to say they are committed. Which is fine. Doesn’t bother me. Our co-parenting has taken a turn for the worst. Words have been said that can never be forgotten. To think that right now 6 years ago I would do anything to be with her again and now the sheer thought is inconceivable. We have verbally tore each other apart and my daughter has no idea. Shielding her has at least been non-verbally agreed on. I’m so lost emotionally. I’m in a new relationship. We have a child (unplanned). It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
  5. Honestly, this is my diary in a way. I know my posts have been prolongued somewhat but it's nice to know that I can always come back and just release. Good to hear from you Sky! How are you? Seems like you've been here from the beginning and I really appreciate that. I believe I've let go but there are days when the what if's come running back to my mind ( so then perhaps I haven't). You are absolutely right in terms of committing myself. I am genuinely happy with my new girlfriend and am processing it as best as I can while still dealing with my past life on a regular basis. She is helping me move on by helping me create new memories and intimate experiences which is amazing to have again. The best way to describe my dealings is sort of a PTSD-esque flashback. They are far and few nowadays but at times something will trigger them. It's taken a while but I'm a million times better than where I was at the beginning of this thread. My feelings are a work in progress and it's a mess at times but all in all I think things are going well. More to come!
  6. No but it's really been in the back of my mind lately. I'm not sure to what end it the sessions will take me but perhaps it's a simple approach to compiling everything I perceive through a different perspective. I will look into this again (especially since I have insurance).
  7. I've been in a relationship with another woman for about 9 months now. The past finally met the present when this weekend at an event I was doing photography for my current gf met my ex. I also continue to see my exes bf everywhere and we still don't really acknowledge or speak to each other since that incident a few years back. Lately I feel empty. Although I am in a relationship with someone that really cares for me and I care for her as well, my emotions almost seem fried and numb. Perhaps it's the cold, impersonal relationship that I have with the mother of my child and everything that has spawned from it. The bitterness, frustration, jealousy, anger, and sadness from it all have calloused me indefinitely. I miss writing and pretending like I have someone to speak to. I've tried to not speak about my past with my current gf because of how she could perceive me if she finds out that I was really an unfaithful person. Yet so much of it is still bottled up. August are always difficult and perhaps it's why I feel so down. Both daughter and her mom have the bday on the same day and this year I didn't get to see her the day of. This is such a scattered post. I apologize.
  8. Where to start. As I sit at the airport mindlessly waiting for the my next flight I thought it only proper to take time to write down some thoughts that have been lingering for quite some time. It's difficult to summarize the multitude of situations that have transpired between my and my ex. In regards to all those attempts at winning her back I think it's safe to say it's absolutely never going to happen. Her and her boyfriend (the one from day 1) have moved in/purchased a home together. I'm not exactly sure as to their plans in regards to marriage but at this point it wouldn't surprise me. It's funny, 4 years ago on my daughter's 4 year bday as I was crying on my mother's shoulder over the hurt of seeing them together she told me that she will probably marry him. A woman's intuition is nothing short of amazing as my mother was probably right. The other day I was at my daughter's school and they were discussing children and trauma due to the recent events in the media (FL shooting). They brought in a Dr. specializing in child psychology to speak to the parents at the PTA meeting. In a very simple manner, she explained how children are like plants and require three key elements to nurture them into fully functional adults. 1)Water (Love) 2)Soil (Shelter) 3)Sun (Stimulation) Without proper balance of those 3, a child will generally tend to have problems in various areas too complex to begin to discuss. I began to think of my daughter and how she receives all 3 in troves. But then I began to examine myself and that's when things got interesting. I never had a father. Ever. In fact, I hardly had an extended family as I moved away from my native country in South America. The nurturing aspect only came from my mother and was completely vacant from my father. Was I dealing with issues from not having that in my life? I spoke to a therapist some years back when the breakup first ensued and she mentioned that I have abandonment issues. I think this made it difficult for me to make a true bond with my ex all those years back, or any romantic interest for that matter. At the meeting, the Doctor continued to speak about what actually constitutes (emotional) trauma. Put simply, it's when a person suffers an experience that they cannot mentally handle. When a child lacks any of those three aforementioned elements, it makes their resiliency to trauma far less. Trauma to me was akin to PTSD, which is incorrect and I never even thought about trauma being an emotional affliction. But after hearing this Doctor speak it sparked a moment of clarity: I suffered emotional trauma years ago from the breakup and because of the abandonment issues, it damaged me more than I realized. A natural reaction to trauma is fight or flight when under duress. I never knew why I could never just be myself when around my ex. I always felt very closed off and standoffish (read:a*hole). Now it all makes sense. This can't go on forever. I'm light years away from where I was but I need to fully explore the best methods for confronting this issue. I guess I'll talk to a therapist again. Not just that, but I currently find myself in a relationship with a new woman. She's kind, strong, assertive but really does care for me. It's been fun experiencing the honey moon stages of a relationship. She's from my country (which I've never been in a relationship with a woman from there) and has only been here for a few years. We are very different culturally, mainly because I've spent so much time here that I'm basically americanized. Yet we have fun together and click physically and emotionally well. I think we are falling for each other. But I'm noticing patterns to my inability to truly truly open up. The same ones that appeared when my ex and I began dating. I'm going to seek professional help. I've dated a couple of women since my ex that have been more than willing to be in something serious yet I end up pushing them away. It seemed that I just wasn't over my ex but I'm really starting to believe that it's my issues of abandonment and emotional trauma and I don't want this to happen again with my current GF. If life has a master plan then maybe the purpose of my ex was to guide me towards true awareness and healing of myself by myself. I just want to be happy. To truly forgive and forget. To be in the same room as my ex and not feel constricted. I'm very blessed to be where I am. Great job, beautiful little girl, great friends, great GF. But inside I still hurt. I've taken up boxing and have my first amateur fight coming up. I really believe I did this to find an outlet for the hurt placed inside. I don't know. As the PTA meeting continued, my daughter and her friends did a little chorus song for the parents. My ex and I were in attendance. Afterwards, my little girl came to us both. She reached out her arms and hugged us both with her in the middle and loudly exclaimed "I love you both!" That moment broke my heart. I can count on my hands how many times all three of us have hugged each other like that. I could feel her little arms attempting to bring us in, yet I felt the cavernous space between my ex and I. Yet the bond that is our daughter somehow keeps us in each others lives. Before I used to pray for the day that I never had to see her again. Now I pray that I can remove my ego and pain to just be myself again. And to finally let the past go. VH
  9. "I have thought about about us getting back together.." These are the words that I thought I would never hear. They were preceded with a myriad of angry comments regarding her time with me but yet she still managed to express some sense of longing. It all started during Mother's day of 17'. I had dropped of my daughter at my ex's grandmother's house for the mother's day celebration they were having. I walked in briefly to greet everyone after she invited me in a non-chalant way. It felt alien but I still put on a smile. To my surprise, most of her family was genuinely happy to see me. It felt familiar yet refreshing. Me and my daughter had baked some cookies for her to bring to everyone so as to not show up empty handed. I knew my time was brief as I still felt like an outsider thus I proceed to exit. The plan was for her to bring back my daughter in the evening. Around 7:30p I received a phone call from my ex. "I have a flat tire and I don't really have a spare.." Nothing new here. There seems to be a relation with her car troubles and me because I can recall helping her out on various occasions with her car. "I'll be there in 20.." My daughter is with her so of course I'd go and help. I questioned her regarding the status of her boyfriend since he wasn't here to help while I was there and she replied with him being somewhere else and without a car. Whatever. As I was changing the tire, my young 6 year old turned into a little cheerleader of mine. For some reason, she began comparing me to her mother's bf and how I was always there to help her mommy. It was cute and comical but definitely not programmed on my end. My ex found it entertaining as well. Suddenly, I felt bold enough to ask "The question is, how do you feel...?" Her face blanked with a smile and went mute. She was staring at me from my car and receded into the car seat with that smile. "All I need is for my partner to be faithful to me, that's all. I don't really look for much else.." Upon finishing with her car, she paused to thank me. She stood there staring at me with that long forgotten dove-eyed stare that always hits me deep in my soul. It seemed as if the universe compacted us closer for a second. My heart was beaming with the energy she filled my body with. "I know I'm still in there, I can feel it." I said, as I tapped gently on her heart. She smiled once again and cooed "Bye, (my name)." I've been dealing with a push-pull reaction towards her for the better part of 4 years. I'm cordial at times and others I try to shield myself by doing the absolute minimum to interact with her. We've argued over the years, said very hurtful things, but yet I still feel love for her. Not just that but times like the one above when she stares at me I feel it emitting from her, ever so slightly. I might be crazy but I'm usually right when it comes to perception. At least I felt it was real enough for me to finally commit to really trying to win her over. And that's a huge uphill climb. Weeks before, she suggested we go shopping to buy clothes for my daughter after I told her I'm not that good at dressing her (I'm a dad what can I say). And after the mother's day incident, I figured I could talk to her and tell her how I feel. If anything, it would let some of the pressure out of me that I keep bottled up. That day came. It was Tuesday. Normally, I pick up my daughter from school and take her to gymnastics class on this day. She planned to meet us at practice to then go to shopping. I had a crazy idea after talking to a friend, and that's to get her a gift. I'm well aware she's not just going to come running back to me via materialistic things, but I wanted to do it to show her that I still cared for her. The shopping went as expected. She found outfits and combinations that I would've never created on my own. We had planned to grab dinner afterwards. In between shopping and dinner, I wanted to give her the gift because it would give me enough time to speak to her. She's usually in a hurry after 8 because of my daughter's bed time. We went to the parking lot and packed all of the clothes away. I handed my daughter my iphone and put some cartoons on while she sat inside the car. Then i took the gift out. "I've thought a lot about what you said last time we talked (Mother's Day) and I know I can't just wipe away my past but I wanted to get you something to show my appreciation and that I truly want to be committed to you.." The bracelet was too small, of course. I felt dumb but determined. "I want us to grow old together.." This line made her gasp a little bit. As if her heart felt a surge that she hasn't felt in a while. An emotion that I can only describe as a mild whimper. But then came the anger. The frustration. The barrage of episodes that described all of my mistakes. She sounded hurt still. 4 years later and the scars were alive in her proclamations. And I knew that I had to own up to them. No one to blame but me and to not dismiss the reality of how we got here. "But yes, I have thought about us getting back together...." ​she exhaled. The storm was over (mostly) and there was a break in the clouds. The glimmer of light I've sensed on and off for years. "I was young and foolish those years ago. There is no excuse for what I did but I'm not that person anymore. I'm not asking for you to consider that guy, as that's not me anymore. I've grown on my own, alone, and with the acceptance of what I did. And I want to have the opportunity to take care of you and my daughter.." She then interjected "that sounds so selfish.." Again it was her anger and pain. I did not argue. I simply stated that I want to make her and my daughter happy. This did not come from a selfish place. She seemed confused. Her mind was racing and her stare was heavy. "So you think you're the better option for me? You think you're what I need in my life.." "Yes..." I said it mainly to convince myself. Her bf hasn't cheated on her, they seemed to still be going strong, but I believe we are meant to be. I'm absolutely a different person than before and I can't let my past continue to dictate who I am now. The yes was me choosing to move forward and believing in myself to the fullest extent, even when I feel the regret of my mistakes. We went to dinner. "Excuse me I have to take this call.." I waited and played with my daughter. I knew she was going to talk to her boyfriend. She came back in and look mildly shook. "What happened?" I asked. "You're what happened! I'm lying to my boyfriend now because of you. I hate lying and the worse than that is that I'm not very good at doing it! Why did you choose to this now when I'm happy?!" She didn't want to tell her bf that she was having dinner with me. According to her, he basically hates me and is very insecure about me. Especially since we had the altercation almost 2 years ago. "I'm just telling you how I feel and inviting you and my daughter to dinner. I'm not doing anything wrong. If you're truly happy and want me to not engage you in this way anymore, than just say so. I've done my best to not interfere in your relationship and keep you from being happy. But I won't continue with this if you don't want me to any further.." Her eyes reflected the chaos in her mind. They stared intently at me with a cautious fear. She said nothing. VH
  10. Hi everyone. It's been quite some time since I've been on here. With the passing years of course a lot of changes have ensued but nothing too dramatic on my end. The relationship between me and my ex has ebbed and flowed and right now we are on "stable" terms. She is still with the same guy from day one. I started writing a post on Word last year and I might post it to really put in perspective the situation with me and this dude. We had an altercation, to say the least. The emotional side of me is healed but not healed completely, or rather not moved on completely. But it's a strange dynamic because I don't think I would want her back right now even if that miracle did occur. Too much has happened and the girl I loved is no longer there. The few times I do see her in person, my heart still flutters but now it flutters at the sight of a ghost. A mirage. It's hard to explain. My daughter is growing up well and thankfully she hasn't dealt with any drama because of us two. I am still very much focused and committed to her well being and her love is what has made the handling of this whole situation tolerable. As for me, well I've dated, fooled around, made new friends, etc..but I don't think I will find anyone honestly. I've tried, trust me. I had a "girlfriend" for two months, and she genuinely liked me. But if there's one thing I learned from my past experiences it's that you should always listen to your heart. It was telling me from the beginning that she wasn't the one. Thus, I ended it rather quickly to avoid dragging it out and not hurting her. One good take away, I guess. My ex still haunts me in my sleep. Dreams of us always penetrate my mind unexpectedly and it usually involves us having sex or sharing feelings, blah, blah, blah. The moment I realize it was a dream, I do my hardest to not put more thought into it. Giving it more energy will only enhance the confusion in my mind. But yea I'm doing really well. Got a really good paying job, am in the best shape of my life, have a nice group of friends, and really am enjoying my life. But I'm still alone. VH
  11. Today marks my daughters 6th birthday. It also marks the 3rd birthday I've celebrated since all this went down. My yearning is gone but again, I still feel I will never be 100% healed. Since my last post, I've dealt with arguments, we went to the movies "as a family" (where we discussed feelings blah blah blah), almost got into a fist fight with her bf (exactly a year ago) and many other things. I've dated women since then. One that I really liked couldn't date me because I had a daughter (cut her off ). Love is nowhere to be found. Is it because I still have this slight attachment that I can't seem to shake? I really wonder if I'm meant to just be alone. My heart has definitely turned cold and the only thing that keeps it going is my daughter. Healing has occurred. But not how I expected it. It isn't a linear progression or a sudden fix. I still maintain contact because of my daughter but I really do try to keep it to a minimum. I'll explain the incident that happened a year ago between me and her bf. It really has shaped a lot of what I feel now. But even amidst all this bs, my heart still seems to search for that which is no more. and this is almost 3 years removed.
  12. Dreams are such a wonderful yet dreadful experience to me. All at once the reality of anything we could possibly imagine is both alive and vivid, depicting a kaleidoscope of emotions and feelings in a timeless atmosphere. The dread lies when the dream is a reality we awake out of. Imagine hugging someone close and experiencing the euphoric bliss that intimate physicality allows only to have it dissipate instantly like a ghost. My mind continues to torture me with dreams of her. It's always us falling in love again or being in love once more and it's always the last track on the playlist, before the dream album ends and the real world begins. To start off my day with such a hopeless sensation is nothing short of depressing. It seems that I am reverting back to being emotionally unbalanced again. Lately I have been unable to be the slightest bit of positive when I have to speak to her. Everything within tightens up and I shut my self off to only be short and direct with her. Nothing in between. Our daughter just graduated Pre-k and they held a celebration at her school. My mother and I attended along with my ex, her mother, and her bf. I arrived minutes before the celebration began and greeted my mother. I could barely even look at her in the eyes. This fear I have, this intolerance to friendliness is harming me and her. She has expressed how frustrating it is that I can't be cordial to her. I simply replied that she wouldn't understand. Her own mother also told me to please be nice to her in which I told her I wish I could but I don't know how to turn off what I feel inside. I feel trapped once more. Suffocating in this toxic and unfortunate ego of mine. She calls multiple times sometimes in which I ignore the calls. I delay in replying back to her texts sometimes a day later. She says she worries when I don't pick up the phone because maybe something happened. I quickly scold her and demand that she not worry about me. I can't shake it off. I feel miserable that I still long for her but feel even worse that I can't acknowledge her in a polite way. I'm normally nice to everyone. Strangers even. But to the person who I supposedly still care for, I can't even look her in the eye. My birthday was this month. The day after she stopped by to drop off some clothes for my daughter. When she arrived, she had bough me some sushi and a little cake to sing me happy birthday. She then wanted to take a picture of us three. I obliged simply because my daughter was there and kicking her out or denying her offer would of been the wrong thing to do. I don't know what to do. I'm trapped with what has been and crippled by what could never be. Please help...
  13. THIS!! It's such an empowering feeling to know what when we put strong emotional intention on something we seek, the results are nothing short of amazing. Yesterday was a very low point for me. Not as traumatic as last year but still a moment of pain. I began seeking, searching, ANYTHING that could possibly help me. When my emotions were chaotic sometime last year, I began listening to content about the Law of Attraction such as 'The Secret' and other like material. Obviously this can be seen as new-age feel good advice but I have witnessed the power of it even before I knew what it was. In fact, while I was in the relationship with my ex, I would wish and think of us being seperated amicably. I wanted out but was too weak to carry on. The visions I had are all happening as we speak. Except I did not realize how hurt and attached my ego would become to all of this. I meditated last night and began to repeat the prayer of serenity. If you are not familiar, it goes something along the lines of: As I sat there, attempting to focus on my breath while images of my ex and her bf flash, I began to pray: "Please, help me. Grant me the wisdom and the strength to see beyond what is there. Please." It was all I had at the moment. I felt so alone and defeated, but I hoped. Eventually I fell asleep but was awaken again to dreams of her. Tossing and turning restlessly, I grabbed my phone and googled this sentence below: Story of losing someone you love I just needed to read and know that someone else had gone through this and possibly, surpassed the attachment. I found exactly that. In fact, I believe I found what has been in front of me all along. This is the article I read. Typical woe is me scenario but the golden nugget was found in the comments section. Here is the post from the Tiny Buddha forum: Sound familiar? Man I gasped at the thought of being four years into a breakup and STILL pining over them. Honestly, it scared me. It seems like a torturous way to live. Especially since I, like him, are partly to blame. But what I did not expect was such a profound answer. It makes perfect sense. As if a ray of sunshine charged with vibrant energy penetrated the dark clouds hovering over my mind. It said: Iron sharpens Iron. Let me explain a bit. I grew up without a father. I moved from my country at the age of 7 and left my entire family. Grandmother, cousins, aunts & uncles. Upon arriving, I was the only latino kid in my area for a while. Throughout my adolscent years I was very quiet, shy, and reserved. I had a best friend in which he was defintely the alpha male. The girls I liked did not really like me and I didin't really have any girlfriends until I was in high school. I had a role model that was my older brother but I never felt quite as cool or popular as he was. When I started dating my ex, I was still very much shy and reserved. She had such a strong, vibrant energy. Very masculine. Now, when I say masculine I do not mean gender specific. But rather the idea of breaking through barriers, being grounded, and mentally strong. Being raised by a single mom and not really having any father figures from which to idenfity with, I believe I'm far too into my feminine energy. I've never really had a group of guys that I could really call my crew and usually the friends I make are either slightly alpha or more in their feminine energy. The loss of my ex, I believe, represents the abandonment of my father that I continue to try to fill. I placed so much of my self worth on having her that knowing that someone else not only has her but has, in a way, conquered her, placed my ego in a fearful state. It's all my ego. It's the void left by my father. It's the thoughts I continue to manifest that have led me here. The sadness, regret, jealousy, anger, fear all stem from my ego unwilling to lose out of fear of being abandoned once more. It such a true cliche when they say we are our greatest enemy. As of today, I will control my thoughts. My subconscious will bend to MY will. No longer will I allow it to ruminate and thread illusions around me. Love of self is mastery over self. I train 5 days a week, eat very clean and am in excellent shape. Recently I shaved my beard and have scores of women telling me how handsome I look. My job is steady and allows me to pay off my debts. There is no reason why I should let my ego destroy all of the work my spirit has helped me achieve. Iron sharpens Iron. I need to engage more in a circle of male friends that can help me establish my masculine energy. I know I have it, but I search for someone else to fill it rather than finding ways to fill it myself. What must give light must endure burning. I believe I have burned long enough. Now is the time to release my light into the world. One free of ego and surrounded in abundance. I continue to post here because I know that sometimes we search for answers through others experience. To be able to relate is what makes this human experience so important and the journey so beautiful. It's time to sharpen my iron. It's time to take back my mind. It's time to tame my own ego. To be my own hero. Shine YOUR light on the world. VH
  14. It seems that everything that I fear happening has come to fruition. Today me and my ex spoke and outlined the next step in this whole saga. Her and her boyfriend are moving in together along with my daughter. I had a premonition of such thing when she said she wanted to talk to me. For some time she had been discussing moving out of her apartment and possibly moving in with another girlfriend of hers, but I knew deep down this would not be true. Their relationship has been going on for a year and a half so it's only logical that she will want to bridge the gap and move closer and closer to longevity. My initial reaction was numbing. I told her the most important thing for her to remember is this: Understand the role between father and boyfriend and make sure our daughter knows that. He does not lay a hand on her. She unanimously agreed. Her boyfriend even suggested that I come and see where she is staying and how her room is set up. F*ck I can't be mad at this guy for I would do the same thing if I was involved with someone else and they had a child. As the conversation continued, I decided to tell her how I feel about her. Maybe as an act of desperation or as one last shot in the dark. It went something along the lines of: Me: There's something I need to tell you and this probably isn't the right time but since I never see you I might as well and let it be known. Her: What is it? Me: I love you, girl. So much. I can't stop loving you. I don't know how to. Her: There is nothing like the first time. I will never stop loving you. Me: I dream about you every night. Continuous dreams that keep me in a loop. I try so hard to stop but it doesn't end. Her: You know you would be my first choice if it could work out, but it wasn't. There was just too much hurt, too many mistakes. Me: and that's what makes this much more difficult. To know that I lost something so special and beautiful due to my mistakes creates a self-loathing and self-anger that haunts me. Her: I don't know what to say.. Me: You don't have to say anything. I just want to let you know and release some of this pressure. I'm happy for you both and it sounds like he's doing a better job than I did as a boyfriend. Her: It's not like we are getting married. Me: The cards have been dealt. I hope everything works out. But just know that I would give my life for you and my daughter. You will always be in my heart. Her: I will never stop loving you. Last night I realized that I have been running away from my emotions and trying hard to mute them. I decided to finally confront them and learn to see them, understand them. It's as if my consciousness knew that something was coming and that I would need to be strong. But at this moment, this very moment I feel the world removing me further and further from her. Pulling me away against my wishes. My body feels weak, my mind numb and my heart covered in regret. I have attracted all of this into my life. The past must be forgotten and the future must be created. I truly truly hope this is all transpiring so that I could find the person truly meant for me. I just don't see the possibility of me loving someone as much as I love her. It's unfathomable. But I have some hope. It is a small, delicate shimmer of hope. Amidst all of this sadness and regret, I know that it's in there. It's all I have to hold on. "Sharp like an edge of a samurai sword the mental blade cuts through flesh and bone." The answers lie within. The greatest enemy is myself. But I am also my own creator. Breathe. Just Breathe.
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