Relationship With X

[waffle]

I hate to say "welcome to my world and the world of thousands upon thousands of other women just like me" but . . . welcome to our world.

 

In the 16 months I've been divorced, I've discovered a lot of things. First and foremost, court orders are really nothing more than suggested guidelines. They are completely unenforceable. My xH is ordered to pay 2/3rds of medical costs (the remaining 1/3rd is my responsibility) and so far I've paid 100% of medical costs and have pursued nothing from him because it's an exercise in futility. The phrase "you can't get blood from a turnip" comes to mind. Shoot, he can't even pay his court-ordered child support, how's he going to pay medical bills? Fortunately our medical bills aren't that high so I've been able to pay it (so far) . . .

 

Another example: it's in our divorce decree that xH is supposed to pay half of the cost of a certain extracurricular activity (OK, I'll just tell you what it is--it's gymnastics). School year 2013-2014 which ended in June, he had paid a whopping $0 so far towards that. Like I said, he can't even pay his child support, so how's he going to pay anything over and above that? However, don't faint . . . but September this year our first payment was due for the 2014-2015 school year and he actually paid it!! We're talking $75.00 here, but the point is he paid for something!! Fetch the smelling salts because I literally almost fainted. And as far as I know, the check didn't bounce either. Well, now the October payment is due and of course him being responsible and voluntarily paying it without me pursuing it is completely out of the question, so I have to go to him, hat in hand (which most days I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than communicate with him on any level, but that's my problem) and hope he pays . . . and if he says no or ignores me, then I have to pay it myself, because everything is completely optional for him. That's just how it is, that's life.

 

I guess what I'm saying is if there was some way to "nudge her [or him] into paying without causing some crap storm" there would be no such thing as deadbeat dads. But there isn't, and there are. Sorry. Truth is, your divorce decree/court order outlining what she's to pay, combined with a buck, won't buy you a cup of coffee.

[waffle]

I was thinking of something earlier. I remember after the D was final and xH was making arrangements to move out, I asked when he wanted to start the court-ordered visitation schedule--which is every other weekend, and on Wednesdays after school. He started arguing with me about Wednesdays, saying it was every other Wednesday and I had to get out our documents and show him that it was every other weekend, but every Wednesday. He wasn't happy. What the hell kind of father actually argues to see his kids LESS?!

 

(it's important to note that during the divorce proceedings, his equally-piece-of-s**t lawyer wanted him to try for Wednesday overnights in an attempt to reduce his child support bill. I said no, Wednesdays 5 - 8 would be fine just like was outlined in the child support agency initial decision)

 

He currently doesn't do Wednesdays at all. No advantage to him, I guess, since his child support isn't affected either way.

[lostandhurt]

Thanks for the input from all of you.

 

Talking face to face has been problematic. If the conversation does stay on subject and she doesn't get ugly she tends to forget the details of the agreement and then when I remind her what we agreed to verbally she accuses me of trying to make her look bad to our son. This is why everything is done electronically.

 

I did have a few conversations with her about some critical situations with my son but those were me informing her of what was going on and what was going to happen, there was no back and forth.

 

As a few of you have mentioned it is not a good financial move to fight for any monies owed me as it would cost far more in legal bills and time off work. It would be nice to simply deduct the amount from my child support payment but that is not allowed even if she agreed unless the court approves.

 

I think I will wait it out and just keep a tab running for the next 3 years and see what it adds up to... Any money she pays me goes into a special account for my son anyways that he can use while in college.

 

Waffle I think the term "Dead Beat Parent" is more accurate these days although you do have a dead beat dad on your hands it would seem. And I have no idea why any real man would want to see his own children less.

 

Thanks again for the feedback

Lost

[lostandhurt]

Ha!

Well guess what? She needs a favor custody wise so she is being extra nice. I haven't answered if I agree or not yet. A small part of me wanted to reply "If you pay me the money you owe me I am sure it can be worked out" But of course I won't say that.

 

It will be interesting to see what happens...

 

Lost

[rebecca1406]

We cant change others. Unless you take her to court. If that doesnt work, give yourself peace and let go.

[waffle]

Do you guys feel it's awkward asking for money? For me, I can tell you I just hate it!! I feel like a beggar or something, which is ridiculous. Just now I sent a short (three sentence) e-mail to xH telling him the monthly payment is due to the gymnastics instructor. I asked if the kid could pick up the check sometime before her Tuesday afternoon class. Yeah, I know I should give him more notice but 1) he's a grown-@$$ 45-year-old man, he knows (or should know) the payments are actually due the first of the month, he's just bent on making this as difficult as possible in the hopes that I'll give up and pay it myself, and 2) even thinking about communicating with him gives me severe anxiety. So then I wait til the last minute . . . ugh. My fault. Anyway, we'll see if he comes through with the money or if my e-mail goes ignored (I'm guessing the latter). And of course it's totally his choice . . . if he decides to pay it, then he'll pay it. If he decides he doesn't really want to, then he won't and I'll have to figure out what ELSE I can go without so that I can pay it.

 

I just wonder how you all ask your Ex for money (even the kind of money you're entitled to--the court-ordered kind, which mine definitely is) without being awkward about it. I definitely don't know how to do this. I think one thing that makes it hard is he was/is an abuser and he always had the upper hand during the marriage--everything was done to his advantage and to my and the kids' detriment. His drinking and gambling was top priority and the kids and I went without to enable him to do that. Now the tables have flipped and he actually has rules he's supposed to follow that benefit me and the kids, and it's unfamiliar ground for both of us.

[waffle]

. . . we'll see if he comes through with the money or if my e-mail goes ignored (I'm guessing the latter).

 

Surprise, it's been ignored. I said in my e-mail that me and the kid would come by his apartment Tuesday to pick up the check. What do you bet he will conveniently not be home when we get there?

[lostandhurt]

Waffle,

As you may have noticed I pay for just about everything so I am really never on the asking end and she never has to ask because I pay on time every time.

 

Reminding him is all it should take but obviously he needs more than that. Taking care of your children is a mans first and foremost responsibility and I have no idea how anyone would ignore that.

 

If he hides from you just show up at his work and ask him for the money he owes for gymnastics for your daughter right in front of his coworkers.

 

Make sure you show up earlier than he thinks you will Tuesday so you can catch him at home.

 

Good luck

 

BTW my ex hasn't come through either

 

Lost

[Jeffbobo]

Waffle,

As you may have noticed I pay for just about everything so I am really never on the asking end and she never has to ask because I pay on time every time.

 

Reminding him is all it should take but obviously he needs more than that. Taking care of your children is a mans first and foremost responsibility and I have no idea how anyone would ignore that.

 

If he hides from you just show up at his work and ask him for the money he owes for gymnastics for your daughter right in front of his coworkers.

 

Make sure you show up earlier than he thinks you will Tuesday so you can catch him at home.

 

Good luck

 

BTW my ex hasn't come through either

 

Lost

 

I pay everything as well. Ask for it? Lol. My girls were in Volleyball and Soccer this fall quarter. I set it up, paid for it, bought equipment and clothing, picked them up from practice and attended most of their games. You know what my ex had the Gaul to tell me the other day? She said that I "excluded" her from their activities. I told her that I made it known to her when their games were (sent her URL for game schedule as well), which ones I'd be attending and when they had practice (every day after school) and until what time. Not ONCE did she go to either daughters games, nor take part in it in any way. There is a certain peace and relief that comes with my ex not being involved or paying.

[faraday]

I just have to say...you are awesome you're doing a great job. Your son is very lucky.

 

I'm in the same situation as you. My daughters father is supposed to pay 70% of her section 7 expenses....but I can't get anything from him. He pays child support, but that's it. He's otherwise an awesome dad...he just...sucks at money. It's one of the reasons we aren't together actually...he just can't prioritize and manage his expenses...so...I pay because I want our daughter to go to girl guides, play soccer, take swimming lessons...and I wanted her to go to preschool...so...I suck it up and pay. What can you, right?

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[lostandhurt]

Thank you farady, I do my best for him everyday.

 

Well I finally just told her to bring me a check Monday. She said OK so lets see what happens.

 

Lost

[waffle]

Make sure you show up earlier than he thinks you will Tuesday so you can catch him at home.

 

This is the route I chose. Saw his truck in the parking lot of his apartment building so on a whim I pulled in and sent the kid in to get the check from him (the kids never hesitate to ask ME for money on a daily basis, so there's no reason why they can't ask him for money occasionally) and she came out empty-handed. He told her it was in the mail. That's not the procedure . . . the instructor has a mailbox at the gymnastics studio, so . . . I have no idea if he actually mailed it or not and I hate putting the instructor in the middle, but it is what it is so I'll just have to tell her to keep me posted if the payments get behind.

 

I had senior pictures taken during the summer for my high school senior. They were EXPENSIVE--close to $1,500 all told. More than our wedding pictures (but that was 20+ years ago too). xH paid $0 of the senior pictures, and I ordered for his family: his mother and his brothers and sisters, because this is my kids' grandma and aunts and uncles. What was I going to do? Not give them any? I even gave xH a 5 X 7 and two wallets. Since his family is bigger than mine, I actually spent more for pictures for his side of the family than I did mine. My daughter is beautiful and she took stunning pictures, and she wants people to have these pictures. It took me four months to pay for it all but my last installment was this week and we now have the pictures in-hand. She has taken the wallet-sized pics that I ordered (she calls them her "trading cards" lol) and has given out a bunch to classmates. It is worth every single thing I went without (i.e. I don't even remember when my last haircut was, but I think it was May) to be able to do this for her.

[lostandhurt]

Waffle,

Give the coach your ex's phone number and let them know he will be sending the payments from now on. Let them call him with reminders.

 

The kids shouldn't suffer from a divorce or deadbeat parent. I do side jobs all the time to pay for the extras that she should help with. I recently bought my son a truck that we are fixing up together.

 

Good for you for making sure the children have as normal a life as possible after the divorce.

 

Lost

[scornandtorn]

This thread was started long ago as a way for anyone that came here to get help, vent and try and understand their ex's current behavior as it affects them today. A great many of us have children and thus need to interact with our ex's.

Lost

And some of us were not able to have children, but still have to deal with an Ex. Please don't discount this.

[John Bendix]

Scorn,

 

Good to hear from you my old friend-

[lostandhurt]

Happy Thanksgiving to all my friends!

 

I wish you all a joy filled holiday.

 

Lost

[mhowe]

Happy Thanksgiving to all my friends!

 

I wish you all a joy filled holiday.

 

Lost

 

Same to you and yours!

[scornandtorn]

Scorn,

 

Good to hear from you my old friend-

 

Hope you are doing well John. After all this time, I still dread the holiday seasons coming up.

[waffle]

My kids will be at my ex-mother-in-law's (hopefully*) on Christmas Day this year. And I'm looking forward to it. I know, weird. It's just that, you know, after 22 years of having kids around 24/7, I'm ready for some ME time!!! and I'll take what I can get. (Only been divorced 18 months, but I was never really married except in name only--he was never a real husband or a father. So yeah, I've always been a single mom). Thanksgiving we'll be with my side of the family.

 

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!

 

* I say hopefully because my oldest has to drive everyone there in her car (her dad can't fit everyone in his vehicle) and her car has 200,000 miles on it and needs quite a bit of work but it's not in the budget so I'm hoping it doesn't break down between now and Christmas.

[benga]

(Only been divorced 18 months, but I was never really married except in name only--he was never a real husband or a father. So yeah, I've always been a single mom). [/size]

 

Yeah Waffle - we get that You have made this point many many times...

 

Happy thanksgiving to all of you on this thread... Wish you peace and whatever happiness you can muster up during the holidays...

[AutumnBorn]

To my posse: Happy everything!

[NICEMAN99]

Happy Thanksgiving to all my friends!

 

I wish you all a joy filled holiday.

 

Lost

 

Same to you Lost

[waffle]

Yeah Waffle - we get that You have made this point many many times...

And I will probably continue. Still giddy about being single, almost two years post-filing. I'd apologize but I'm not actually sorry. Sure as hell beats moping and trying to muster up some happiness.

[lostandhurt]

May all of my friends here have a peaceful and happy holiday. Christmas is not a time for the past but a time for the right now. Embrace the time you have with the ones you love and treat it as the greatest gift on earth.

 

Lost

[mhowe]

Amen to that my friend!