Relationship With X

[speed racer]

Wow,

After I sent my last post about not seeing any updates since 6/22/15, other post popped up -

Thank you and I'll keep reading

[speed racer]

Hello Everyone,

I just spent about an hour typing my story when I went to post it, it went to the log on screen - when I logged on, it only came to a white screen. I hope it is in upload world.

 

If it didn't upload, I'll have to do it at a later date. Sorry folks.

[lostandhurt]

The site logs you off for inactivity. It doesn't recognize typing, just clicking. I usually copy my words just in case I went to long and if it send me to the log on screen I just paste them in a new screen. Sometimes I type them out in Word and then past them in a thread.

 

Sorry about that. Post when you can.

 

Lost

[speed racer]

The site logs you off for inactivity. It doesn't recognize typing, just clicking. I usually copy my words just in case I went to long and if it send me to the log on screen I just paste them in a new screen. Sometimes I type them out in Word and then past them in a thread.

 

Sorry about that. Post when you can.

 

Lost

 

Thank you Lost - I'll do that on longer post in the future.

But for now here is quick question.

 

If I read this entire post correctly, didn't Benga and Nick both divorce their wives and later on remarry them when their wives realized what they actually had together?

I know Benga's journey was over a 5 year period. I'm not sure of Nicks timeline. Is there any other threads or links that go into these type of situations - both from the one being left behind and also from the one that comes back? I love my wife with all my heart, 27 yrs married - 31 yrs together - 2 kids 11 and 18 - and a lot of great history together. I will have to tell my story

at a different time, but it's very very very similar to what I've read here on this site and the things she says if exactly what other spouses on this site has said.

It would be nice to hear of reconciliations after the divorce was final. Remarrying the same person after divorce - I hope my wife comes out of the fog and realizes what we really had.

 

How is Benga and Nicks marriages today? or any others that may be similar situations - Divorced then back together later...

[lostandhurt]

Benga can speak for himself but I can tell you from the outside looking in on his situation though.

 

Benga was EXTREMELY patient with his wife and although got close never divorced her. He did what I could not do but after all those years it has paid off.

 

I would caution you about reading success stories and building hope. The best way to make it through this type of thing is acceptance. Benga accepted that his wife was not the same anymore and did what he had to do to raise his daughter basically alone.

 

I think the worse thing you can do is keep hoping the woman you once knew is still in there somewhere and you just wait for them to "snap out of it". There is no snapping out of the fundamental changes that happened (good or bad) with them. It may seem totally dysfunctional to you but to them they are actually who they are supposed to be and doing the things they should have been doing all along in their life.

 

Post your story when you can and keep reading the thread, even the ones where it looked like it didn't work out. Reading mine you would think it wasn't a success story but it turned out to be just that. I let go of the past and the woman I THOUGHT she was and saw her for the woman she IS. I am happier now and my relationship with my son is awesome.

 

Lost

[speed racer]

Okay, Here is my story.... It may be long, but it is accurate.

 

 

Hi Everyone,

Married 26 years - 18 year old son, 11 year old daughter. Me 50 / wife 48

About 1 1/2 years ago our lives was as normal as ever. My wife got a new job that seemed hectic and worked long hours - No major problems in the marriage. We always seemed to get along good and seemed to have always enjoyed each other. We always did things as a family with relatives, neighbors and friends. We also would do things together like trivia nights, happy hours, watch bands etc - like couples night out and always had a good time.

 

She got contacted by a group of “the in girls” from high school (thats how she referred to them) after a class reunion. They started playing bunko. I was glad for her that she was getting out away from the kids and the busy life we had. Then it was bunko and after words a drink at a bar, then no bunko and going to a bar to dance, then girls weekend out of town - this took place over a few years.

 

Jump up to about 2 years ago, then my wife occasionally would say she wasn’t in the mood for intimacy - which I just thought was stress from the job and the high demands of our children. (they have always struggled with school) It’s not that the sex was completely shut off, the intimacy of it was-but we still got along great as usual-I thought. Then months later it turned into “I think there is something wrong with me but I don’t know what it is.” She told me she thought Menopause may be arriving in her life in which I responded “It’s ok, I understand.” I thought this had to be it and that sometime in the near future she would get back to her normal self (my wife has always been a awesome person, nice, beautiful outside and in. - Don’t Get me wrong, she still was all that, but she didn’t want any intimacy. Then more time went by (6 months or so) and she said “I have to go to the doctor to have my self checked out.” I thought “Great - now we can find out what the problem is.”

 

It is now early 2015. We still did things together - we have our traditions, vacations, holiday parties we would throw. Nothing out of the ordinary other than the lack of intimacy.

Oh yeah I forgot - last summer she decided we needed a new kitchen. We already had a few larger loans we needed to pay off and I told her I thought we needed to pay those loans off first before adding another monthly payment. I thought about it and thought

“you know, she has been down for a while and has never asked for anything” So I told I wanted her to pick out everything she wanted - I wanted this to be her kitchen.

 

My wife and I would be going on our 27 anniversary this year. Last Sept in the middle of the kitchen update, she came to me and said that was done and wanted a divorce. I was shocked. She said ILYBNILWY and that I felt like a brother to her. She said we live parallel lives and are not compatible. Now I can tell you that we have had maybe 5 big fights our entire marriage, maybe 1 every 6 or 7 years and they wasn’t really that big, we just said things we regretted - other than that, we have normal disagreements -

 

From this point forward she would not let me hug her at all. She wouldn’t let me kiss her on the cheek, she wouldn’t let me hold her hand, no small acts of intimacy at all. She would talk to me like I was bothering her all the time. (She would talk condescendingly to me) I didn’t sleep basically from mid September to the middle of November - my brain kept playing our whole marriage over and over in my head.

 

It was actually close to our anniv. (she didn’t give me a anniv card - she said why would I give you a Happy Anniversary Card.) She did however give me a birthday card that said “I’m not giving up on what we have together.” She did say she would go to a marriage therapist but we couldn’t get in till the end of Oct.

 

For that month she was distancing herself from me. She was very cold to me - would push me away if I event tried to hug her or hold her hand. Before the ILYBNILWY she would included me in everything. Phone conversations, texting, you name it - she would always tell me who texted what or who called earlier and what was going on. Starting in Oct, she went silent on who called, she would leave the room to text, and get notifications on her phone all the time. Seriously it would sound off every minute and she’d walk across the room - look at the text, start typing, then walk away till the next one. No updating me or anything.

 

Then the Marriage Therapy began - (I think). My wife told the therapist she wasn’t

“in love with me” that “she loved me, but not in love with me.” She told him about the bad arguments we have had in our marriage. He then said to her - let me get this right, you say he is a great father and person, he’s not an alcoholic or drug user, he is not abusive, he would do anything for anyone, he loves his family more than anything, everyone likes him - but you’ve had some bad arguments in your 26 years of marriage? He then said “I don’t get it” everyone has what they consider bad arguments and say things they regret - myself included” I don’t think this justifies divorcing.

 

When the Therapy sessions started (Nov), she fluctuated from being very cold to me to acting like she was confused and not knowing what she wanted. She assured me in the second therapy session that is was only going to take time, thing were going to be

OK - When she said this, I said I can wait as long as it takes (this made me feel good, because I though that is all she was asking for - She only went to 5 total apps throughout the holidays.

 

Now here comes the holidays -

Even though she was cold to me about 80 percent of the time, We were going to her works happy hours, trivia nights, live musical at a well known theatre. We still had our tv shows we looked forward to watching - during these type of events, she was “normal” to me, not condescending at all. During our daily/home life, she would go from being cold to someone who felt very sorry for being that way. She would say “I’m sorry, I don’t know what I want.” I would say “Hey, lets take off of work through the holidays, we could go shopping, go to lunch, meet up with friends.” Then she would say “I don’t know if I want to use all my vacation with you.” She took half days with me, and would always come home around 3pm instead of 1pm. Thanksgiving was great, we had our family over for the meal and very good friends stopped by at night.

Christmas came and went. She was very cold the whole holiday. We decided that after the first of the year that my wife would make the Marriage Therapy appts because of her work schedule.

 

New Years Eve we decided to have a party with all our neighbors. We all had an awesome time. I did notice that she stayed away from me the whole night. When midnight came, she did walk up and for the first time - give me a quick smooth on the lips, then walked off. The party as a huge success - we had people over till 4 in the morning. I noticed she didn’t say goodnight, she just disappeared -

 

Starting January 1st, she acted differently. She didn’t act cold or condescending anymore.

She was much nicer and seemed very confused about everything, she seemed remorseful and quiet at times. I asked her if she contacted the therapist for our next appt and she said she forgot and she’d get to it soon. (never happened).

 

I said to her “Honey, how can not allowing me to hug your or kiss your cheek help in our marriage therapy - your cutting out all the small important emotional connections between us. She agreed and even allowed me to hold her on weekend mornings (man that was a great feeling.) One time when I was holding her I asked her “honey, how are you feeling, is anything getting better?” She said “No, I don’t now why but nothing has changed.” I said “Then honey, - what can I do to be a better husband?” she said “nothing honey, your doing everything right and I can honestly say there is nothing you could do better.” ????????

 

A few weeks later on a weekend morning I was holding her again. I asked again “honey, how are you feeling lately anything different?” She said “No nothing different and she just looked so pitifully

and sad. I wanted to cheer her up an I said “honey your a fantastic mother and an awesome wife - never forget that.” She then very sullenly said “no I’m not honey, no I’m not.” I felt so sorry for her, I thought, “This has to be hormonal to be that sullen when you used to be a bright, happy, glowing person a year before. She was always a bright, happy, person throughout our marriage.

 

Two weeks passed and one morning I went to hug and kiss her cheek when I left for work (she started to let me do this a few weeks prior) She turned her head and I said “Whats wrong?” she said “I’ll tell you later” I said “no tell me know.” Then she said this “I don’t want you, I don’t want this life!!!” “I said “then what life do you want?” “She looked confused and said, “I don’t know….”

I was floored because it was so bazaar. She then said she can’t get the feelings back she had for me and was done “trying.” She then - after telling me that I was an “a-hole” and alway had been, told me that I was going to be a real catch for someone. I said “then why can’t I be a real catch for you?” She said - It’s too far gone and I don’t want you anymore.

 

No more hugs, kiss on the cheeks, holding her on the weekends. She said “once were divorced I’m not talking to you anymore.” I said “why.” We get along great, were a good family, we enjoy when we go out and do things together.” I told her that I enjoyed ever minute with her and loved going out no matter what we did - going out to dinner with the family to trivia nights, to parties and watching bands. I then said “You enjoy your self when were doing those thing don’t you?” She then said “Well I enjoy what we’re doing, but your just happen to be there.”

 

She seemed very emotional and very sad about this. I couldn’t help but think, “so if your so emotional about it, don’t your think there is really love there and that it is worth fighting for?”

I told her that I loved her with all my heart and always did. I told her that I was going to love her for ever, and that I would never stop telling that.

 

I talked her into going to see a different therapist by herself because this was a huge decision

(big mistake on my part)

 

What ever it was that happened at that session a few days later, made her come home wanting to divorce now… Sooner the better for her. She immediately called a mediator and decided no lawyers needed. She was still confused,sullen and sorry for everything, but seemed like she was now determined.

 

I was now like a race for her to get divorced. I kept saying “My god, what’s the rush?”

Within 3 weeks she decided 50/50 was how it going be. She found a very expensive apartment near by.

She got off our family mobile plan - What?

 

One day our son came to us and said “hey, wake me up 45 min early tomorrow.” We both asked why?

He said “cause I’m going to drive a girl to school tomorrow.” Holy cow, we’ve been waiting for this forever - (he never shown any sign of liking girls before) - here we go right? Wrong…. he literally walked out of the room where I was completely ecstatic. My wife give it 2 minutes and then called both children into the room. “Daddy and I are getting a divorce. Daddy don’t want it but mommy does..” They were devastated - but she told them that life would go on? Really, for the first time in his life he tells you that he likes a girl and this is what you do? Who does something like that.

 

From then she started packing boxes in front of the kids. Stacking them up through the house to where we would all have to step over them and see them everywhere. No remorse about doing it in front of the kids or that they had to see them every second while they were home.

This went on for 2 months… She filled the garage with boxes.

 

She still would come home from work and say “hey is our TV shows on tonight” get us both a glass of wine, and act like nothing was wrong? Everyday before I left for work and went to bed, I told her that I loved here more than anything. She would blow it off and started becoming mad.

 

She started saying things like “I haven’t loved you for a year, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years and she hasn’t loved me our entire marriage?” She said we lived parallel lives and are not sole mates?

What????? This went on for a while.

 

Then she got on the “your an a-hole routine.” She then would say I’ve been an a-hole for

2 years, 5 years, 10 years, that I’ve always been an a-hole.

 

It really hurts when she said these things because - is this really what she thinks.

We had a 26 year marriage, 2 beautiful kids, a decent life with many good friends. Is this really what she thinks?

 

Her family and everyone we know is absolutely blind sided by this. Don’t know what is wrong with her. She still hasn’t confided in her family or any of her true friends - the longest and closest friends - she only told them that she is divorcing me. We’ve been married so long that most of our best friends are our common friends and neighbors. She only confides in the girls she met in high school. She puts them on a pedestal and half of those girls divorced their husbands…

 

She moved out into the apartment about 1 1/2 months ago. Took her ring off immediately.

Up until about 10 months ago, she would have ripped any woman who would do this to her family

and would have ripped the woman who took her ring off before the divorce was final.

 

We did things together up until a day or two before she moved. Bonfires and dinner with friends,

watching TV shows, fundraisers, work functions - you name it.

 

I was devastated when she said she wanted a divorce. I am still devastated to this day.

Even though I put on a “life is normal” face most of the time, to be completely honest - I don’t enjoy anything anymore. I do things still, but there is always a cloud that follows me in whatever I do that reminds me of how good of a life I had not to long ago.

 

Thanks for reading my story. I know a lot of people on this forum has their own bizarre story,

but do any of you have a spouse that acted like this? It has been the most craziest bazaar insane rollercoaster ride I have ever been on.

 

- But as crazy as it is, I want her back. I love her still - I want the family life back that we had.

[benga]

Wow!!! That's some narration of your story. I did a double take and had a lump in my throat when I read it completely the second time.

Sorry that you are going through this and the bizarre experience that you have had and will continue to have until you have figured out for yourself that you need to find a way of continuing with your own life. I don't think you will ever fully understand her reasons, and unless she is having an affair, nor will she. Hormonal imbalances could be one of the reasons (that what happened to mine), but don't rule out an affair either (that's what happened to Lost). But irrespective of the root causes, the experiences you are going through are completely the same we went through. It is what it is unfortunately, and there is nothing you can do for now that will change anything with her. Her views, outlook and her judgment right now are foggy, and right now you are the cause of all her mental agony and anguish (which is why she refers to you as the A hole) and will rewrite history and pass all the burden of her guilt to you..... Sorry for you man!!!!

All you can really do is try to move ahead with your life. Build and rebuild a different relationship with the kids (are they with you or her?). They need you more than ever, and need a rational parent to guide them through this situation. Keep a look out for your friends and keep yourself as occupied as you can. Stop telling her that you love her and want her back... its not going to make any difference - and at best just push her further away.... Hang in there my friend.........

 

My story lasted the better part of 5 years.. From her walking out, then wanting to move back in, to being confused, walking out again, then wanting everything to do in reconciliation, and then confused again.........this circular and toxic pattern carried on for years and was driving me nuts!!! What it took for her to come to senses was an extreme shock!!! I got a job offer in Singapore... I took my daughter and completed everything legally so I wasn't exposed in any way (my daughter lived with me through this) and left.... no contact with my wife for 7 months..... She came to visit and broke down... that was 6 years ago..... Getting back together isn't a magical story like you see in the movies... It has been painstaking... She is no 96% of what she was before all of this began. I still see signs of selfishness etc.... But at the end of the day, if this happens again, I know I will survive.... I was a survivor the first time, I will survive again...

 

Hang in there my friend...... Your rollercoaster hasn't ended yet......

 

Lost - my friend. Thanks for narrating my story..... You know what I went through...only too well!!!! and vice versa..... Couldn't have made the journey without you, john and the others here....

[speed racer]

Hi Benga,

I read this entire forum for weeks. Thank you for responding. My Kids are with each of us 50/50 (personally I would like them with me full time) but she loves them also.

It is hard not having them most of the time. I have the house and bought her out. She moved into very expensive apt. I can't actually prove it but all the signs of an affair is there. Even the therapist we went to see told me this. They said that her not letting me hug her, hold her hand, or kissing her on the check is a sign that she feels she is betraying someone... This is totally not her. She would slam any woman who would have done this, but I can't prove it. I do believe the girls from high school have a lot to do with this - I also think that if there is an affair, it is work related...

 

I have to run now, but if you don't mind I'd like your opinion on some things because I know you have been through everything and more....

 

Thanks again

 

Oh yeah, have you heard anything from Nick on his situation - Anyone else heard from Nick?

[lostandhurt]

Speed Racer,

 

I wish I could say your story was hard to believe but I have seen it happen so many times it is almost like it comes out of a playbook as the stories are all so similar.

 

Was she cheating on you? In the end it matters little now as the result is the same, you are divorced. My ex cheated on me and I got all the gory details and it didn't change one tiny thing of the outcome. I was still divorced, she was still very dysfunctional and our family was broken into pieces. I could give you my opinion but instead I want you to leave that question alone and focus on today.

 

What you experienced is classic Walk Away behavior. Actually you made it very hard for her to walk away because you were such a good husband and father and had such a fun life together. She had to re-write history and make you the bad guy to ease her guilt and to justify her actions. By her own admission early on you are a great guy, fantastic husband and father but to justify in her own mind that what she is doing/going to do is a rational good choice she needs to demonize you. Pretty hard to divorce a awesome guy right? That is where the change in attitude came from towards you. You are now an butt hole and she tried her best to dig up anything she could from all your years together to build a good case for walking. Here is one of many tips you will get from us. Don't try and make sense of nonsense. Her thought process is not clear or rational so trying to be logical will only drive you crazy. Accept that she is not the same person with the same thoughts and wants in life.

 

Were the "good time friends" the cause of this? Yes and no. Could it have happened without any outside forces? Absolutely and it has in many cases but your ex wife chose to do what she did...remember that. The blame lies directly on her no matter how much her divorced gf's whispered in her ear. That part is now over so looking for someone to blame has passed. She had plenty of chances to step back from the edge and refocus on your family but she chose selfishness and only cared about her wants with no regard for you, your family or children.

 

What to do now. I know you want her back but you need to accept that the woman you married and knew for all those years is now gone. She simply is not the same person and what she has done behind your back has changed her in ways you do not want to know. In time you will see her in a different light than you do now. The wrinkles that once were invisible to your loving eyes will show clearly, the loving caring person with morals of stone you once knew and respected will be replaced by someone you wouldn't date if given the chance. In time it will happen... I am sorry, truly sorry.

 

Is this the end? Hell no it isn't!!! This is just the beginning of your new life. Now I know you want her back and I wanted the same thing once upon a time so I will share with you what you can do to help yourself and your children while increasing the possibility of something happening in the future.

 

Let me know if you are willing to listen and follow our recommendations and we will do our best to guide you to a wonderful life after the walk away.

 

Lost

[lostandhurt]

Benga my friend. Good to see you on here. I will PM you when I get a chance so we can catch up.

 

Lost

[speed racer]

Speed Racer,

 

I wish I could say your story was hard to believe but I have seen it happen so many times it is almost like it comes out of a playbook as the stories are all so similar.

 

Was she cheating on you? In the end it matters little now as the result is the same, you are divorced. My ex cheated on me and I got all the gory details and it didn't change one tiny thing of the outcome. I was still divorced, she was still very dysfunctional and our family was broken into pieces. I could give you my opinion but instead I want you to leave that question alone and focus on today.

 

What you experienced is classic Walk Away behavior. Actually you made it very hard for her to walk away because you were such a good husband and father and had such a fun life together. She had to re-write history and make you the bad guy to ease her guilt and to justify her actions. By her own admission early on you are a great guy, fantastic husband and father but to justify in her own mind that what she is doing/going to do is a rational good choice she needs to demonize you. Pretty hard to divorce a awesome guy right? That is where the change in attitude came from towards you. You are now an butt hole and she tried her best to dig up anything she could from all your years together to build a good case for walking. Here is one of many tips you will get from us. Don't try and make sense of nonsense. Her thought process is not clear or rational so trying to be logical will only drive you crazy. Accept that she is not the same person with the same thoughts and wants in life.

 

Were the "good time friends" the cause of this? Yes and no. Could it have happened without any outside forces? Absolutely and it has in many cases but your ex wife chose to do what she did...remember that. The blame lies directly on her no matter how much her divorced gf's whispered in her ear. That part is now over so looking for someone to blame has passed. She had plenty of chances to step back from the edge and refocus on your family but she chose selfishness and only cared about her wants with no regard for you, your family or children.

 

What to do now. I know you want her back but you need to accept that the woman you married and knew for all those years is now gone. She simply is not the same person and what she has done behind your back has changed her in ways you do not want to know. In time you will see her in a different light than you do now. The wrinkles that once were invisible to your loving eyes will show clearly, the loving caring person with morals of stone you once knew and respected will be replaced by someone you wouldn't date if given the chance. In time it will happen... I am sorry, truly sorry.

 

Is this the end? Hell no it isn't!!! This is just the beginning of your new life. Now I know you want her back and I wanted the same thing once upon a time so I will share with you what you can do to help yourself and your children while increasing the possibility of something happening in the future.

 

Let me know if you are willing to listen and follow our recommendations and we will do our best to guide you to a wonderful life after the walk away.

 

Lost

 

Hi Lost, I don't have an answer to the cheating question. All I can say is that all the signs are there. I mentioned a few but there are many more. I didn't list them all - the no hug or kiss on the cheek and no hand holding was just insane. For a Xmas present, a male co-worker gave her around $250 worth of gifts. (150$ pair of sunglasses and other items). She told me that all the salesman at her company give their help nice presents-I don't know if I believe that now. 3 weeks after she moved into her apt, she introduced my daughter to the Vice President of the Eastern and Midwest region for her company. The next day, he took my daughter along with his daughter to a amusement park - my wife didn't go, she was at work supposedly. Oh yeah, he happens to live in the same apts as my wife and is not with his wife (3 apts down from my wife). I don't know when they divorced or if they are in the process of getting divorced. What are the odds of this - - This guy is a big shot for a major corporation that my wife works - works with her periodically - and lives in the same apartments as my wife who is a low level employee. She says she doesn't really know him? Then why would my wife let my daughter go anywhere with him then? The story I told on page 305 is the basics of the story, I know its hard to believe, but there was so many strange behaviors and strange comments from her - I could have written for pages on end. Oh yeah - we're not actually divorced yet but she is driving it home soon. Once she made up her mind, she couldn't move fast enough.

 

My wife for 24 of 26 years of our marriage was the most loving, sensible, and honorable women I ever met. She was cute when we married, and grew into a beautiful woman. I lost hair over time and gained some weight - My wife was a great wife and awesome mother. I remember when she would get mad a women she knew or heard of that would act the way she has acted. I don't know if I put this in the original post, but as soon as she told me "she didn't want me" "she didn't want this life," she got off our family cell phone plan and got her own phone. I don't know why, she has a work phone and laptop that she could have used for anything she wanted to hide. I have read everything on this forum, every story, every support given and this still amazes me - how could someone husband or wife - throw away everything.... and I mean everything. Family, friends, holidays, yearly traditions, the dreams we had - How can you just give up and force yourself to demonize your spouse and dig up things from the past.

She is the kind of person that knows how wrong this is - why - how can the girl who loved everyone and was a joy to be around do what she did.

 

I know people say to get on with your life, but - I just cant seem to get any of this out of my mind.

Every store, every restarant, everything traces back to us as a couple.

As I tell my friends, it seems that nothing is fun anymore. Anything I do ultimately links to my wife..... This really sucks....

[Jeffbobo]

Hey Speed Racer,

I'm sorry for what you're going through. As others have pointed out, your story sounds all too familiar. I was where you were at five years ago so when I tell you I understand, I understand exactiy what you're talking about and going through.

 

I know that at this point, you're trying to analyze things and logically make sense of things. There's nothing logical about this, don't try to make sense of it at this point. In time, when you have been removed from this situation, you'll truly be able to reflect, without being emotionally bound to it.

 

The woman that you knew is dead to you. And that's how you need to look at it. That's the approach and mindset that I took. Go through that grieving process as if it's the death of a loved one that is never coming back. That means strict no contact as much as possible. Get rid of and/or box up reminders of her and your past with her. Don't meet with or see her if at all possible and if you *musf* communicate with her, due so strictly through email, keep it brief and only about business.

 

You are going through an experience that if gone through properly and if you truly take this as an opportunity for introspection, reflect, learn, understand and change it will be one of the most enlightening and freeing experiences of your life.

 

Keep posting. There is a wealth of experiences and some pretty awesome people here that have gone through this. You're not alone.

[speed racer]

Hey Speed Racer,

I'm sorry for what you're going through. As others have pointed out, your story sounds all too familiar. I was where you were at five years ago so when I tell you I understand, I understand exactiy what you're talking about and going through.

 

I know that at this point, you're trying to analyze things and logically make sense of things. There's nothing logical about this, don't try to make sense of it at this point. In time, when you have been removed from this situation, you'll truly be able to reflect, without being emotionally bound to it.

 

The woman that you knew is dead to you. And that's how you need to look at it. That's the approach and mindset that I took. Go through that grieving process as if it's the death of a loved one that is never coming back. That means strict no contact as much as possible. Get rid of and/or box up reminders of her and your past with her. Don't meet with or see her if at all possible and if you *musf* communicate with her, due so strictly through email, keep it brief and only about business.

 

You are going through an experience that if gone through properly and if you truly take this as an opportunity for introspection, reflect, learn, understand and change it will be one of the most enlightening and freeing experiences of your life.

 

Keep posting. There is a wealth of experiences and some pretty awesome people here that have gone through this. You're not alone.

 

 

 

Thank you Jeff, I've seen a lot of post on this site from you and you've been here a while. I've seen your post of support and your support has been awesome. (I cant remember how long you were married when D came into the picture. If I remember right, you pay quite a bit financially still to this day. Do you know what page your story is on, I'd like to read it again)

Here is what worries me though. What if? and I know people say you cant think "What if?" This behavior is not my wife, her values up until the past year/year and a half was fantastic. She is so out of character that everyone one we know is just speechless. She is going to be 50 this year. She mentioned a year and a half ago that she though she was going through the change of life. Her new job at the time and up until now has been extremely stressful. Maybe everything is hitting her at once and caused confusion beyond belief? Maybe there is a OM I don't know about - maybe. (signs are good for this theory but cant be proved) Maybe change is harmones coupled with all the other events has given her irrational thoughts. What if this is the case? I'd like to be around if she ever comes out of it and realizes what we had. I know statistics don't show this, but I just cant renounce 31 years together. If I have no contact, then there is no way she may see the light. It is just not her at the moment - she would be extremely ticked at any of her friends who would do this or act the way she has acted. Does anyone know of any forums where the spouses (who left) realize or come out of their strange thought process, come back - and write about the subject? You guys are great, thank you for all your replies.

Jeff - If you don't have a page number for your story, could you give a brief synopsis?

Thanks

[Jeffbobo]

Thank you Jeff, I've seen a lot of post on this site from you and you've been here a while. I've seen your post of support and your support has been awesome. (I cant remember how long you were married when D came into the picture. If I remember right, you pay quite a bit financially still to this day. Do you know what page your story is on, I'd like to read it again)

Here is what worries me though. What if? and I know people say you cant think "What if?" This behavior is not my wife, her values up until the past year/year and a half was fantastic. She is so out of character that everyone one we know is just speechless. She is going to be 50 this year. She mentioned a year and a half ago that she though she was going through the change of life. Her new job at the time and up until now has been extremely stressful. Maybe everything is hitting her at once and caused confusion beyond belief? Maybe there is a OM I don't know about - maybe. (signs are good for this theory but cant be proved) Maybe change is harmones coupled with all the other events has given her irrational thoughts. What if this is the case? I'd like to be around if she ever comes out of it and realizes what we had. I know statistics don't show this, but I just cant renounce 31 years together. If I have no contact, then there is no way she may see the light. It is just not her at the moment - she would be extremely ticked at any of her friends who would do this or act the way she has acted. Does anyone know of any forums where the spouses (who left) realize or come out of their strange thought process, come back - and write about the subject? You guys are great, thank you for all your replies.

Jeff - If you don't have a page number for your story, could you give a brief synopsis?

Thanks

 

Hey Speed Racer,

Sorry for the delay, life's a bit busy at the moment. With respect to my story, I'm not sure what page it's on, it's kind of all over the map. lol. I'll recap for you though.

 

I married my high school sweetheart. Married because we were both madly in love, with not a pot to pi$$ in so to speak. We dated, then lived together for three years before getting married and were married for twenty years. Divorce was final in 2011.

 

From the point were she said those all too familiar words, "I love you but I'm not in love with you" until divorce was final was a matter of 2 1/2 months. I'll tell you that it was one of the craziest, most surreal points in my life. All that you've said about your now ex wife, how she was and what she believed before was pretty much the same for mine. From the point where she said ILYBINILWY, she totally changed. Was she cheating? Maybe. I have a strong suspicion. Did it matter? Looking back, no, not really. If they're not in love, they're not in love, whether there's someone else or not. Point is, it's just not you. My ex wife wanted to still live together initially and periodically do family things. At the same time, she would tell me all about guys asking her out and hitting on her. So we tried living together which lasted for about a month, which was utter insanity; fighting, arguing and her playing BS games to get under my skin. So I told her she needs to get the F out of the house so we found her an apartment. But then she kept coming over to the house and she'd tell me crazy stories about guys, crap I didn't want to hear and we'd fight. So I told her she couldn't come over anymore and I sold the house, which put an end to that. Had to put an end to phone calls as well since it'd just be her screaming on the other end about things that really didn't matter anymore, not about things we should be talking about like the kids. My mentality was and is that I'm either 100% in and work on it or I'm 100% out. I was not going to do a half divorce and sure as hell wasn't going to be some kind of safety net for her. I also needed to close the door completely. This was to protect myself, put my wall up and heal.

 

Now I've had 5 years, post divorce to reflect on my past situation. I've also had almost five years of a lot of dating and I've met quite a few women who were like my ex and yours. These women that I've dated; there spouses didn't cheat on them nor physically or emotionally abuse them. The woman that I'm currently seeing for instance. They had a very long seperation, mainly because he was dragging his feet and didn't want the divorce. He was still in love with her and still is. I mean the guy actually sounds pretty cool and an all around decent guy. Sure he's said and done some stupid things while going through his divorce but that's understandable. I actually feel for him. It sucks. Anyway, many other woman that I've dated... I ask about their past, their situations, I listen, try to understand and learn.

 

I have a childhood friend, whose wife came to him a year ago and told him she hasn't been happy for the past five years. He claims that she'd been going out with male colleagues from work and cheating on him. He was devistated. Over the course of a year, they pretty much destroyed any hope. Trust was gone. They lived in the same house but never saw each other. He mentioned recently that *maybe* she was coming around and wanted to try. At this point he said to me, "Jeff, how do you get that feeling back, that spark for someone when it's dead and not there?" It's like you have to start over, clean the slate and hit the erase button.

 

Any hope that they'll come around and "come to their senses" or just snap out of it is just not going to happen. Really doesn't matter that you're a good guy, good father and great provider. Anything that they start with a new guy is fresh, new and exciting. Your past with her works for you but mainly against you. Any hope of reconciliation is not immediate but if any chance at all, far down the line. That remote chance comes with a lot of time apart and changes in you.

 

My advise to you is to close the door, let her go and focus on you, your family and building your new life. And for the record, I don't want my ex wife back. I don't care what she's doing, who she's with or sleeping with. I pay her an insane amount in spousal and child support. When she's truely independent, I'm not supporting her, I've not found the woman of my dreams; at some point in the future, if we're both free who knows. I do know it needs to be a completely fresh start, like when you first met.

[lostandhurt]

Speed Racer,

 

I see that you fear if you don't stay in some kind of orbit near her she will forget about you and there will never be a chance or the two of you getting back together. That is understandable. It may be counterintuitive but the farther you are from her the more she will think about you. Look at Benga's situation for example. When she was nearby and I mean really close by nothing changed at all but once he moved 7K miles away she suddenly had a huge change or heart.

 

I am not saying you should move away but you do need to act like the woman you once knew is dead and in a way she is isn't she? Mourn the loss of your family and your wife and then take some time to get yourself back together and start living your life again. Hanging around trying to stay close to her is not attractive and will continue to harden her heart against you so if you disappear as much as possible and only communicate through texts and email about the kids and scheduling then she will think about you. Trust me on this she will hear how you are in great shape, hanging out with friends, having bbq's, having all kinds of fun with the kids and on and on. It will get back to her one way or another.

 

Right now you are a reminder of how she walked away from a great guy and a great life because she was selfish and wanted excitement and fun. If you did something bad would you want your victim around all the time making you feel worse? I doubt it.

 

She is not going to snap out of it as there is nothing to snap out of. She has chosen a very selfish path and you need to begin to accept that she is fundamentally different. Mark my words there will come a time when given the chance you will not want her back.

 

I will tell you a very true story I witnessed first hand. There is a guy not unlike you that his wife did the same thing. She was gone for almost 3 years I think. He finally convinced her to come back but she would only agree if it was on her terms. He foolishly agreed as all he wanted was his wife back. Guess what? he didn't get his wife back, he got a cold hearted woman that really didn't love him but needed a safe place to land since her selfish lifestyle didn't turn out to be as much fun as she thought it was going to be. To make a long story short: She treated him like crap, pushed him around and always held her walking again over his head and he took it all. He is miserable and only lives for the day when his youngest daughter moves out so he can throw his wife out.

 

Don't be that guy Speed racer.

 

There is a life beyond this if you listen and learn.

 

Lost

[speed racer]

Hi Jeff and Lost,

 

First of all I want to say I have read this entire thread from the beginning.

Both of you and many others seem to be great people. Hell, it’s almost like I’ve known you forever,

and I could see many of us actually being good friends if we met under normal circumstances.

 

At the bottom I have an update on what happened today - This is kind of why I have hope - and Jeff, I notice you do still have some hope - “When she's truely independent, I'm not supporting her, I've not found the woman of my dreams; at some point in the future, if we're both free who knows. I do know it needs to be a completely fresh start, like when you first met.”

 

Jeff:

We both had long marriages - both of over 20. I was totally with her for 30 years.

We both don’t know know that cheating was involved, but we both have signs this may have happened.

You said your wife totally changed after ILYBNILWY. How? from that point was she always harsh and mean to you? My wife was everything under the spectrum. She could be cold and mean one minute, She could be down on herself and very confused the next. There were times she was her old self then snap into a condescending attitude toward me, she was just everywhere. Now this was before “D” came into play. Then came the ILYBNILWY,

From this point, she jumped between not loving me anymore to “your an A hole,” “I haven’t loved your for 1, 2, 4, 8, 10, our entire marriage.” Just crazy talk.

 

Your divorce seemed fast - 2.5 months? Wow, I can’t imagine.

Your wife wanting to live with you then telling you about other men is just ridiculous.

I don’t really understand her doing this - maybe to make you jealous? When she would come by your house, did she want to see you maybe - keep contact - When she would talk about other guys, did she talk to you like she was talking to a friend - or to rub it in your face? Did and does she act like she still has any feelings for you?

 

Before the actual divorce, was your fighting and arguments over the marriage/divorce situation? Did you fight and argue before the ILYBNILWY? We didn’t argue much because I didn’t want to set her off - she seemed crazy and confused even before “D” was dropped and I went out of my way to be as calm as I could be. When we did argue, it was about the “D” situation. In my eyes, that argument was justifiable- and shouldn’t be counted as a true “argument.”

 

It’s been 5 years in your case, does she show you any attention or try to communicate with you still?

 

Lost:

I think all the time about distancing myself like you suggest. You mentioned Benga and that his move may have triggered the change in heart with his wife. I don’t have full custody of my kids like Benga had. - (Man, wouldn’t that be great though), My wife would always tell me that when she moves out, she will not talk to me again. (that didn’t work out) We haven’t really talked much over the past 2 months but there is communication text and phone, she initiates it - I don’t text or call until I really need to know something. She initiates 90 percent of our contact. I think the reason she didn’t want to talk or see me again is so that she could kill any feelings she did have for me - Since she moved out, she has actually gotten “nicer” in a way. ???

 

If I was able to convince her to come back like your friend did, It would not be on her terms. We’d truly

have to sit down and discuss everything - and do as Jeff mentioned - “Fresh start like when we first met.”

 

Here is my update from the Lawyers office today.

 

Oh yeah, I need to tell you this - Last night, I had a very emotional night. My parents just happened to come in to town - (coincidence - not for support of the meeting at the lawyers office). We went out to eat and all I could think about was my wife. She texted me for the lawyers address - I sent it immediately and she replied “Thank you!” I then replied “Anything for you.” My parents watched a romantic comedy and sure enough it was one my wife and I liked - Totally brought back memories of when we enjoyed watching it together - (I have said before that we do enjoy doing things together, but she ignores that we get along and enjoy each other - I guess to make it easier for her to go through with the “D”) Anyway, I couldn’t help my self - I texted her: “Hon, this is the worst night of my life. I know you want this more than anything in the world, it really hurts because I really love you and wanted to grow old with you. Your truly a special person. Please don’t reply - I’d like to dream of holding you one more time…. Goodnight. No reply-

 

On to the lawyers office:

 

I had gotten there early and was actually doing bills while I waited. She pulled in, got out and came over to my car so we could walk in together. She kept looking at me with an emotional look - like this was bumming her out, we talked as we proceeded. The lawyer was 1/2 hour late. As we sat there, I kind of tried to distance myself from her by sitting behind a huge lamp shade so we couldn’t see each others face. She went out of her way to make sure she could see my face and started to talk to me. She said “Oh, by the way, do you know why I’m looking for another job? It is because a person (big shot) at my work is making it hard for me. Turns out, this person had alternative reasons for wanting to promote my wife in the company…. Really - you just figured this out? He wanted her to work for him - he’d pay her salary. What??? He also gave her about $300 worth of gifts for Xmas - “Didn’t see it huh?” She sounded so Embarrassed about it. (I told her long ago that the things this guy did for her at work was well above a higher up and regular employee relationship) She has been there 2 yrs now and it is highly stressful. I’ve encourage her to get another job since she started. Anyway - I told her good news about my sons work - we talked about our daughters birthday coming up. We talked like we always had… Then we went into the lawyers office and we communicated well in there also. She would look at me every so often with emotion all over her face. I reached out and held her hand and she didn’t pull away - she seemed like it was ok - she let me rub her arm. There were times that I really thought “Wow” she may be considering?????

 

When we left, (by the way, we still call each other honey) I told her that I was sorry I didn’t help out more

at home with the dinners and cleaning. (I did, but with her stressful job, I should have done much more)

She said something about it being too late - I said “nothing is too late” and that right now, I just want to hug you… She said “I’ll hug you but it will be the last one.” I said “no” I’d want a real hug back - not as sympathy. She still had the emotional look on her face - like she was unsure about the “D”. She told me that she asked my daughter (12) something about me and my daughter said “why do you care?” (A 12 year old said that, I wonder where she got that from) - My wife said “I will always love and have feelings for your Dad, he’s a great person.” I then said “hon, I’m sorry for not seeing the real problem. I truly thought it was Menopause based and that this is just a normal change of life. I said “You know I’ll do anything for you.

You know we can have a fantastic life - let me prove it to you. I’m not saying move back in now, but lets hold off on “D” stay apart to work on ourselves -

 

From that point forward, she went back to “I don’t love you” and “I don’t want to love you” “you need to get over it and get on with your life” - the emotional face was gone, the hardened other person was back. After I tried to pull the emotional woman I knew back into conversation, it was obvious that woman was gone for now.

When I turned to go to my car, she was saying something like “I’m not trying to hurt you!” I got in my car and headed in to work…..

 

Jeff and Lost - This is why I don’t want to loose hope.

 

I referred first to Jeff’s comments earlier about:

 

“When she's truely independent, I'm not supporting her, I've not found the woman of my dreams; at some point in the future, if we're both free who knows. I do know it needs to be a completely fresh start, like when you first met.”

 

I think most of us weather we want to admit it or not would like our X or STBX back - sooner the better,

but back none the less…

 

I know there are of the wives (and husbands) written about on this board have really taken advantage and traumatized their spouse and children. This to me is truly sad - It shows how marriage no longer has the importance or meaning it should have in our society. When you go to a church service, and they give comfort to people who want to divorce their spouse instead of helping them working out the problems - we have a problem in this society…(not counting divorce due to abuse, drugs, alcohol, etc)

I’m not a super religious person. I only go to church on occasions but I do believe in the meaning of Marriage.

 

“for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health till death do us part”

If your read this powerful statement and it doesn’t mean anything to you, you must not be human.

It shows the willingness and commitment two people have for each other at marriage. We should live up to it if we can.

 

Speed

[Jeffbobo]

Speed,

 

When I say she changed, I believe she truly let go of me and became free. So both physical and emotional change. And yes, she was emotionally all over the map.

 

I need to be clear in a few things. First, when I'm done, I'm done. I do everything it takes to close the door and move on. I don't do things half arse. I'm either totally in or out. No BS, no games. Doesn't mean I don't hurt and grieve though. Secondly, to be clear, I don't want her back and don't hold onto any hope whatsoever. She has absolutely no control over my heart or my future path. And truly, if I never saw again, I'd have no problem with that whatsoever. All I'm saying is that by some rare circumstance, if our paths crossed in the future (really as strangers), who knows what might happen. She would be no different than any other woman I meet. I see this situation as remote to nil though.

 

I also have to say that based on my life experiences, my divorce as well as many others, I have learned to never fully get attached to things. This does not mean I don't feel, have empathy, have the ability to fall in love or be faithful. In the context of intimated relationships, it means that I don't believe in the concept of "the one". I believe there are *many* potential *ones* out there.

 

With respect to your wife and reading what her emotional reactions are to you, I see a few things. First, guilt. I think she does feel empathy and guilt for what she is doing to you and her family. I think she struggles with that guilt against with what is in her heart, which is stronger. Second, she is not in love with you. She doesn't get butterfly's in her stomach nor melt when she sees or thinks of you. Third, you pusuing her only serves to push her away.

 

Work to get to the point where you have control over your thoughts and emotions, not her. Don't search for breadcrumbs from her and over analyze things at this point.

[speed racer]

Thank you for the reply's Jeff.

Even though I've been going through this for a while now and I know the end of my marriage is near, I'm still absolutely shocked...

We did and still do get along great. I have a deep and unconditional love for my wife, I care about what happens to her.

I care that the decisions she is making is ultimately going to hurt her down the line - I'm worried she would be to embarrassed to try and reconnect.

 

I really miss my best friend, I really miss what we had.

 

Thanks again Jeff and Lost

[lostandhurt]

Speed Racer,

 

I have been holding back from being brutally honest with you but it seems you need to hear it.

 

I am 85% sure your wife had an affair with her boss at work. This is how I have seen it go down on this forum over and over again. They start getting chummy at work, he starts giving her all kinds of attention and compliments and gifts, they go out as "friends" for a drink and then it turns physical. Things are going along great because it is exciting and new and then your wife starts having feelings for this guy and turns her love from you to him. Things are still okay but then your wife feels guilty cheating on her new love with you so she pulls back from you. Then your wife gets the courage to tell you she wants out and has all kinds of excuses as to why. She then tells her bf that she is divorcing you so they can be together but she doesn't get the response she thought she would get and trouble starts brewing. Her bf then begins to pull back because he was happy to mess around with your wife but he didn't want all of her, just the fun a few times a week woman. Tensions build at work but neither will rat each other out because of mutual destruction so your wife starts looking for a new job.

 

Now she has her freedom from you and her affair has turned sour. Her only way out is to keep going because admitting to you that she cheated, fell in love with the guy, wanted a divorce, got dumped and now has to find a new job is a lot of crow to eat for anyone. I am sure you have read the quote from John Bendix about the wife in a plane flying to where she does not know....

 

So let's say I am right about all my assumptions what do you want to do? Do you still want her back? If the answer is yes you have to STOP ALL these messages, phone calls, notes and gestures of your undying love. That you will always be there for her no matter what and that you will support her and be her rock.

 

IT ALL HAS TO STOP TODAY!!!!

 

By doing and say all these things you are telling her that she can always have you back anytime she wants, that you will bail her out no matter how much trouble she gets in, that you will forgive anything and everything just to be with her and worst of all that you are willing to be the fallback plan when she grows tired of her freedom. This will only prolong her flight of fancy not shorten it. She has you to help her with everything so why would she want to come back when she gets her freedom and in her mind hopefully her bf back but she has you just in case.

 

I don't want you to be a jerk to her or be mean in any way but you have to look at her differently, like the woman that has broken your heart and family so she could run around on you. That person should not get your help and support, that person needs to sink or swim on their own and realize just what she had before it is to late.

 

Your physical and emotional distance will force her to think about you way more than she wants to but if you are always there when she needs you then you are like an old pair of sneakers in the closet that she knows are always there waiting to be worn and she never gives them a second thought until she wants to put them on.

 

I am sorry but I have seen this far to often with men doing exactly what you are doing and it only pushed their wives farther away.

 

Read what I wrote above and try and match my words to the events and timeline you have lived recently. I believe it will all fall into place...

 

Lost

[Jeffbobo]

Thank you for the reply's Jeff.

Even though I've been going through this for a while now and I know the end of my marriage is near, I'm still absolutely shocked...

We did and still do get along great. I have a deep and unconditional love for my wife, I care about what happens to her.

I care that the decisions she is making is ultimately going to hurt her down the line - I'm worried she would be to embarrassed to try and reconnect.

 

I really miss my best friend, I really miss what we had.

 

Thanks again Jeff and Lost

 

Speed,

Awesome pier by Lost. I'd like you to read it twice in its entirety. Then I'd like you to read from the point where Lost says,

 

"So let's say I am right about all my assumptions what do you want to do?"

 

Read from that point on a dozen times so that it really sinks in. Seriously.

 

In going through my divorce, I was receiving councel from a pastor who, after telling me a familiar story said to me, "If you love her, then let her go". And that's what I did. Cut the chord and closed the door completely. You are NOT responsible for the decisions she makes or her well being. Do NOT be her safety net. Divorce is death of your marriage. Treat it as such and go through the grieving process as if it IS death of a loved one who is not coming back.

[speed racer]

Speed,

Awesome pier by Lost. I'd like you to read it twice in its entirety. Then I'd like you to read from the point where Lost says,

 

"So let's say I am right about all my assumptions what do you want to do?"

 

Read from that point on a dozen times so that it really sinks in. Seriously.

 

In going through my divorce, I was receiving councel from a pastor who, after telling me a familiar story said to me, "If you love her, then let her go". And that's what I did. Cut the chord and closed the door completely. You are NOT responsible for the decisions she makes or her well being. Do NOT be her safety net. Divorce is death of your marriage. Treat it as such and go through the grieving process as if it IS death of a loved one who is not coming back.

 

 

 

 

Lost,

I hate to admit it, but I believe you are spot on. I did what Jeff suggested and read your entire post over and over again.

When you said:

"So let's say I am right about all my assumptions what do you want to do?" "Do you still want her back?"

 

I understand completely what you mean about being a backup plan but I have to stay in contact. I don't want to be a backup plan ever.

My wife however, unlike others wants to have nothing to do with me other than texting or talking about the kids.

She tells me all the time: "We're not family anymore" "Why does it matter to you" "It's none of your business."

But then she will do what she did at the lawyers office. I was shocked when she initiated conversation on why she was

looking for another job, and acted the way she did at the lawyers office - (at first caring and questioning).

I need communicate about our kids - I have to contact her at least weekly. I usually wait for her to contact me actually.

You wrote about physical and emotional distance, does this really help to get them to think about you like you described?

 

Both you and Jeff have been great at replying to my post. I'm sure your read Jeff's post about treating my marriage like a death and

I have read many post throughout this forum that say the same thing. Treat you marriage like a death,

but if I treat my marriage like a death and close the door, that kills any future chance doesn't it?

 

I'm pissed at everything she has done. I'm pissed that the told me that she took her ring off 3 days after she moved

out just to get under my skin. I'm pissed at the woman who broke my and my families hearts.

But damn, 26 years / 31 total. That's alot of years to throw away without giving it everything.

 

On the other hand you guys are absolutely right. She made the decision the completely destroy our family - with no empathy.

The empathy was for her - not for her family. I just ran across a digital camera we used to use before cell phones took over.

The photos were only 3 yrs old on the card - happy family holidays and spring - smiles everywhere.

 

If you were in my shoes, would you only answer her text messages - when she calls, would you just answer the question as quickly as

possible? What would you do in my shoes to communicate, but keep the door open - I would totally like to do what you said about physical

and emotional distance, that may lead to her thinking more positive about me. How would you conduct communication -

 

Jeff, I hear you about letting her go and treating my marriage like it is a death. Sometimes I actually do this - I have good days and

bad days still. Is there any reason at all to act like your marriage is like a bad car accident in which your stbx spouse needs help

getting well after the incident? I know it was her decision and not an accident, but maybe a different way to look at it...

 

Both you guys are awesome for taking the time all these years helping people. I'm actually blown away by it.

Do you have any suggestions on how to handle the communication weather text, phone, email about my kids without

pushing her away?

 

I actually think she is surprised that I am doing so well with taking care of the kids and the maintaining the house - everything associated with it.

I don't know why she'd be surprised, it's not brain surgery...

[benga]

Hey - No amount of over analysis is going to help you here unfortunately. There are no set rules for communication with her - but if you really want to hold your sanity, you will need to take the high road (no matter what it takes). Trying to pick up subtle hints from her texts, body language - will drive you crazy, and solve nothing. She has checked out, and you are the villain in this piece (for all the reasons Lost has described above). My first reaction reading your post was exactly the same, but didn't want to say it. I am certain things have played out exactly as lost has mentioned above, and we have seen it all too often.

 

Right now you must ONLY care about you and the kids. She has made her decisions, and its time for you to man up and do what you need to do to get your life back on track. What happens downstream is very very uncertain. Situations like these rarely have happy endings. If I was you, I would man up, gather some self respect and only "transact" with her on matters related to the kids and their schedules, the lawyer meetings.... that's it... nothing more, nothing less.... She thinks of you like C*** right now, and trying to be nice to her all the time only reinforces that feeling.

 

Get a life for yourself that is your own... Uncoupling is a painful process, but it is something you will have to do. I am sure you are experiencing extreme emotions - some crappy days, and some no so..... as you uncouple, the crappy days will become fewer, and the happier days will gain in number.... Remember - you will survive this!!

[benga]

All - its been a while since I posted around here, but I do get notified of activity on a few threads that I had subscribed to... I think this is the only one that is still active. Its been nearly 10 years since my bomb was dropped, and 6 years since my wife decided to return (full time, because she kept coming in and going back), completely recommit to the marriage again. I think I had posted, earlier that getting back is no honeymoon and it is a painful process of getting back together.. the 4.5 years we were apart had changed me, and definitely changed her. It was like getting to know a whole new person - the only thing was that the person looked the same...somebody with whom I have a child and years of history.. Its been hard work... a lot of compromises, sacrifices, shows / displays of commitment....... The return of intimacy took a while (both ways)..... There were days earlier on, when I was wondering what I was doing taking her back...... Communication is important, willingness to act, do, tell, show is important... I am doing alright.. happy...

But I know if she were to ever pull this sort of crap with me again, I will be just fine.... The best part of this is, that she knows that too (i.e. I will be just fine without her).

[benga]

Too add....

I am still in Singapore, but I am heading home for a month (work + vacation) next week.. Its been nearly 2 years Cant wait!!!!!

[lostandhurt]

You asked what you should do to keep the door open to reconciliation. Here is my answer.

 

CLOSE THE DOOR COMPLETELY. Don't even leave the door cracked a little so you can peak out once in a while. Until you do this you have almost zero chance because you will always be looking through that door hoping she will walk through it and while you are sitting around hoping your life will not be getting better, only worse.

 

Yes do not initiate and conversations and if she tries to have one with you cut it short and keep it all business. If she calls and you don't feel strong enough to follow our suggestions let it go to voice mail and then listen and then text her your response later. Email and texts are your friends right now so use them.

 

What do you think is more attractive to your stbxw. A guy sitting around not living his life pining away for someone that left him or a guy that got his life going, was a great dad and was out living an active exciting life? Which one are you right now???

 

Lost