Dragonlady

Thank you for reading and posting a reply. I suppose i wanted to say that there is always hope even in the darkest hour. Dont get me wrong there were times when I was so hung up on the hurt, the possibilities of what could have been, my individual past, my past with my ex, everything. I still think about my ex but it is now with indifference beucase I have changed. he will always been a part of me because of the 3.5 years we spent together but I faced up to myself that for over the last year of our relationship I wasnt happy. I think the key is acceptance of what is but that can only come when you are ready. My counselling really helped me but i finished that at the end of September and I think I am doing really well. I just wanted to say to people that you are not alone even when you think you are. Sometimes I thought this website wasnt helping me becuase it kept me stuck on thinking about the ex, (the other forum about getting back together) which I why I had a break for a bit. I hope you all take care and remember keep positive as you never know whats round the corner. DL x

Hello All It's been a while since ive posted on this site but I wanted to share what's been happening. My full History is here www.enotalone.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=22005&highlight Briefly I was engaged to someone for 3.5 years and he left me in March. I spent months wanting to get back together, which basically I wasted that time because it did not allow me to heal. I was in counselling regarding my past, which had been very abusive, and although I hadn't recognised it, this relationship had been emotionally abusive as well. Anyway by the end of July I had realised that the only person who I had been hurting was my self. My ex didn't contact me or even care. I found out in August he had got engaged in APRIL to someone he knew from work so basically he had been cheating on me as well. I am worth more than that, more than him. Finding this out hurt, dont get me wrong but in a way it was the last nail in the coffin. It allowed me to move on. Since then I have changed not only how I think but also I do things for me now. I have found a strength too be on my own and a realisation that I can be happy without someone. A few weeks ago I went back on the holiday where I met my ex, I saw some of his friends there but I didn't talk to them, not for want of hurting them but because it is part of my past, and that is where it will stay. I am different now and have no need of know what the ex is doing etc, to me he died along time ago. I can honestly say that in the last 3 months I have done things that I would never of thought I would. I had my first holiday with friends and had a wild time, I've gone out when I want, done things I want and have basically been so much happier than I have for the past 2 years (even with the ex). I've met someone by chance that I knew a few years ago. We always flirted with each other but have now started seeing each other. J (as I will call him) asked me why now. I had to think about that for a while and the truth really hit me. Due to my past J and I would only of had a brief relationship because I didn't value myself, I had been in 3 long-term relationships that had been abusive (in different ways from physical, sexual and emotional), I thought that was normal. Now I think I am worth more than that but I dont need someone to make me happy. I am now comfortable with who I am. Since I told J this he has accepted it and commented on the changes that he has seen in me (all for the good). I don't know what will happen in this new relationship but at the moment we are having a good time, nothing heavy. Anyway I think what I am trying to say is that the cliché is right time does heal but you have to be accepting of it as well. Whilst I was dreaming of getting back together with the ex I made excuses to myself for what was wrong in the relationship and made a dream of what it could be. I now see my ex for what he is. He's jumped into a relationship, rushed at it full speed without reflecting what he's problems are, it may or may not last but that is no longer my problems. I am better off with out him! To have the strength and hope to change things is hard but the rewards are so worth it. As a person I am now more relaxed, happy and open to what life has. Follow your dreams but always think is this right for me! Life is so full of possibilities that why waste it on something that doesn't make you happy. Please don't get me wrong for those couples that do get back together maybe its right for them and I wish them all the best of luck, for those who a new relationship is right then all I will say is don't rush it, let it come naturally. Do not confuse need with want. I don't need any partner to make me happy, I make myself happy but I want a relationship that is right for me, something that is loving, strong and based on trust. Life is full of ups and downs but what ever doesn't break you will make you stronger, you just need to be open and accepting! I wish everyone happiness for themselves. Take care DL x

Hi I really need some help and replies please. I thought I was doing ok till i heard today that my ex fiance has got engaged again. he left me mid march and was engaged by June to someone he knows from work. When I heard I just felt sick, how he could do this so quickly, did I mean that little to him? He has made no effort to contact me in all this time which I now know why. I still love him and part of me want him back, is there any chance now? I sent him a birthday card but to his mothers so I doubt if he got it (not the best idea) and in it I left a letter that explained what I felt about us and our relationship but not in a begging manner but more a chance to say things I didnt when he left. Please can some one reply to me. Thanks DL For my full story please see [ link removed [/u]

Hi Reading your post made me think of my situation but in reverse. My x is 35 and I am 26. We lived together, wedding arranged which he cancelled a year before he left me. If you want to read the full story here it is but it's not a pleasant story! [ link removed . The only good thing is I am still in counselling and learning more and more everyweek. Anyway I just thought I would say how sorry I am and I feel your pain - believe me I know as I have been going through it for 4 months now. It feels lousy to know that someone you trusted and loved can tear your heart out and inflict so much pain without the realisation of what is happening. Hang in there and as said previously become a challenge, do things that you want and please not all mid 20's women are like that. If you would like to PM me I will try and help. Take care and let us know what's happening. DL[/u]

No i'm not. I lost the baby at the end of April due to high blood pressure caused by stress (wonder why). I'm not sure he knew when he left but I didn't want him to stay just for the baby - I am worth more than that and didn't want to trap him. Loosing the baby was so hard because I had wanted him/her so much but it has made me stronger - it's another cross I have to bear. I thought about contact my ex when it happened but I didn't want to hurt or blame him so in the end I didn't. We have had no contact in almost 3.5 months and I was thinking of sending him a card tomorrow for his birthday but i don't know if this is a good thing or how he will react. Please I really need some help. Thanks so much

Hi i am really looking for some advice because I don't know what to do. It's my ex's birthday this week (it will also be 4 months to the day when he left). Do I send him a card, an email a text message or nothing? If I do something then no gushing or begging. I've had no contact from him and was hoping that if I sent something that we could open up communication routes again. I am torn as to what to do for a few reasons: 1) if I do and he tries to contact me back at my parents (he doesn't know that I remained in the area) then they are going to be angry as they now hate his guts. 2) if I do and hear nothing - will this but me back in my development. 3) if I don't will he think that I don't care 4) if I don't then i'm not sure how to open up communications again. 5) if I do and he get's in contcat then I am hoping sometime in the future we could work thing's out, I know this will be a slow thing but it could be worth it! Please help as this is killing me at the moment - all I do is think what I should or shouldn't do. Thank you so much

Hi, here's a bit of background from my story: I was with my ex for 3 years, started living together and engaged by 6 month; The wedding was planned for August 2003. I was really happy, he sent me lovely cards saying I was his soulmate, the love of his live and that he couldn't wait for me to be his wife. He would call me at work or leave messages on my mobile singing love songs etc. I was so happy even though I had changed my entire life for him, I didn't think that we would ever split up. I got on well with he's family friends and most importantly he's daughter. It continued like this for 18 months. I thought life couldn't get much better instead it got worse, much worse. I had previously been in a very physically abuse relationship that had left it's scars and had very little self esteem when it came to the bedroom but I thought my ex had understood this and was been very patient with me. 5 months before the wedding we went to give notice legally and then 2 days after, out of the blue, he told me he didn't want to marry me, that it wasn't right and started shutting me out emotionally (a trick he had learnt from he's past), Needless to say I was gutted, we were still together, he said he loved and cared for me but that he needed to feel it was right. I stood by him, tried to make him happy and did what ever he wanted. He started avoiding coming up to see my friends, the weekends we had his daughter he would ignore me and then say I was jealous of her, wouldn't want to go out with his friends with me or when we did he would be cold towards me and blame me for being up-tight (when I am stressed I flinch if someone shouts or moves quickly – as I said I have scars). He started preferring videos to making love to me but would lie about it. The day before the wedding when I was going home (I didn't think we should be together the day of the wedding), he hugged me, said he loved me and that he had wondered time and time again if he had done the right thing! It was a very painful day for me but he said he understood why I needed to be alone. When I got back he said he didn't know how to treat me as a partner any more and suggested that we had counselling. I said I would go too for our future together. He didn't book it so after a while I did; we had the consultation and decided that we would continue with this. I found out I was pregnant but didn't tell him but know that he saw the test stick as it had moved. We had a joint session and the following week I had one by myself to discuss my abuse, he said he didn't want to know the details but we would talk about it the following week with the counsellor (i.e. how it makes me behave etc). I went back to my parents for a friends birthday, had a nice message on my mobile whilst I was out and drove back on the Sunday (14.03.04) within 10 minuets on walking in the house my ex told me we were over, he didn't want to try and things got ugly. He was so cold towards me and then kicked me out. He's emails were very cold. The only times I had contact with him was to sort out removing my clothes and he has asked that I do not text him but then tells me he still cares about me "as a friend". I still love him to bits and I understand why he's behaviour has changed because I have continued with the counselling, my ex has an anxious attachment disorder issue. I want him back so much but things would have to change, I thought he was my soulmate. Sorry that was a bit long but it will help with my thought for this tread: Why do girls like bad guys? Well it's not that it's preferring bad guys but usually (and it's the same in both sexes) we are arracted to a person because they have something we don't, with the case of me ex, he was confident and I wasn't but in the end it has rubbed of on me and since my single life began I have been working on this even more. As to why we would take someone back who does not show affection, well I would definatly not take some one back who hit me like my first boyfriend but the lack affection etc is it's own type of abuse but more mental and emotional. You have to look at why you are like this in the first place; it could be contibuted to attachement disorder of which there are a variety of type, I have amblivient whilst my ex is anxious, both of these are caused by trauma in childhood. Even after everything he has done I still want him back, not because I need him but because I understand his behaviour and why he has treated me in this manner. A couple of good books are "why women love to much" by Robin Norwood and "why men love bitches", both of which have great insight - but a word of caution - they are very hard to read! I still go to counselling every week and it is helping, the reason I now know so much, is I was blaming myself and we needed to cover some of the above in order for me to see what was really long. Thanks for reading and sorry it's so long but topic's like this are vast.

Hi I am totally confused with how someone who loves you, leaves and then doesn't make contact. I am in the same situation, I was with a guy for 3 years, living together for 2, planned a wedding everything then without warning he left me, I've not seen or heard from him in 10 weeks. Did I mean that little to him? I also want him back but NC is easy as I have no choice. To begin with he wouldn't take my calls, told me to stop texting him (this was before I moved my stuff out of his house 10 weeks ago) and then nothing. If I can't talk to him or see him how do I get him back. I want him back because I want him not because I need him, I see the good and bad within his character and behaviour but I thought we were soulmates, he wrote me some of the most beautiful things I have ever read. I have been keeping busy - lost 2 dress sizes and have been told I'm looking great, I have also changed mentally due to the counselling that I continued with. Also it is his sisters wedding in a couple of weeks, will he think of me and what our day / life would of been like? Full story here: link removed Please help - I feel so lost and confused. Thanks

Thank you so much for your feedback. The pain is too much to bear. I am in counselling (going tonight thank god) which is helping but I just can't let go yet. I so desperatly wanted my ex back because I remember the good side of him (think Dr jekyll - the first 2 years together & Mr Hyde the last 12 months) and I also understand his behaviour when he left me. i have been trying the no contact rule and been doing Ok, even in moments when I really want to just call him but is seams this has just allowed my ex to move on and find someone else. All I wanted was him to try a 2nd time because what we had was worth it. If he has moved on so quickly does this mean that he didn't love or care about me? If I continue with no contact what is the likelihood that sometime in the future he will regret what he has done and come back? Thanks for reading

Hi I really need some help, I thought I was dealing with my ex leaving me (full story below). Now I have seen him with someone else and I know the car has been there all night. It's killing me thinking about him with someone else. He has not made any contact during the last two months, so I assume he has forgotten about me or never cared anyway. We were together for 3 years, engaged planned the wedding, lived together - everything and for him to move on so quickly or not care at all really hurts. I wanted him back so much but without any contact at all this just seams impossible. He doesn't even know that I lost our baby. I just feel sick and hurt, god I wish this pain would stop. link removed

Sorry GeeCee I don't think I made my context clear, I meant everything happens for a reason in the sense that we are all suffering through break Ups with people that have meant something to us but are we missing them because it feels comfortable with what we know rather than the unknown. I have been left by someone who called me his soulmate, his love of his life (bearing in mind this guy is 10 years old than myself) but it's over and there is nothing I can do except jump into the unknown. Part of me will always love my X simply for what we had but maybe fate didn't mean for us to be together and that there is someone out there for all of us that will love us as we deserve and that we should never give up hope for what we want. That was my meaning for Rich1517 - live for what you want and hope. One thing I am glad about in my situation is that I have never lost my compassion and feeling and I abhore any form of suffering and cruelty - I talk from personal experience by suffering physical, sexual and mental abuse within my past. Please don't think that I am having a go because I do agree, just wanting to explain fully what i meant. I respect your point of view and have followed some of your threads and admire that way you are dealing with things. Take care

Hi rich 1517 i've been following your post for a wile (made a couple of replies) and all I can say is I really feel for you. I know who hard it is to want something that is out of your control which in your situation (and mine) it is. You have made great steps in evaluating yourself and what you want out of life but you cannot control your ex and if she continues to shut you out, think is she worth your pain?? Heal for yourself and you will be ready to meet someone who will love you the way thatyou deserve (at least thats what I hope). I wish I could give you a big hug right now to help take the pain away, I know this is little comfort but hang in there. remember everything happens for a reason but we may not see what it is yet. Keep us posted. DL

Raider To define if someone is either a committment phobic or just string you alone is hard because I dont know the details but here are some thought from my counselling session and the book that I have read called Women who love too much. By loving someone too much and creating your whole world around them you are opening youself up basically to a lot of pain. People who do this usually come from a background of abuse (physical / alcoholic etc) whilst my wasn't a result from my family it stemed from my first relationship when I was 16. I was engaged to a guy who kicked the crap out of me for 4 years, although I wanted to leave he was so controlling it took a long time. This in term left it's scars on me that I didn't realise until recently. I was drawn to my recent X who I still love to the end of time because he showed me a world full of love and trust, he took care of me and made me feel good and it continued like this for 2 years of which I have some very happy memories but as soon as the wedding approached he began to shut me out emoitionally & physically. As a result of his past marriage (and he has a daughter from this relationship) he is afraid to commit whether he realises it or not, also from a child we are taught about relatiioships but can only put this into context of what we witnessed, so for my X to see the physical abuse in his parents has distorted his view on relationships. I cannot be nasty about my X because I am coming to understand why he has acted in the way he has including the cruel and harsh way that he ended the relationship (this is so that if he does have second thought he would reason that my his actions I would not want him - I would but on my terms). The sad thing is that if he had carried on with the counselling it wouldn't of took long to sort him out whereas my problems will take alot longer because they have affected so many different spere's in my life. If you want to post some details on your situation regarding committment phobia I will try and help but please remember Im not a trained professional just someone who is on the path to discovery throught my counselling (if I don't I will make the same mistakes because it is a cycle). Also if you want to know more about my situation please use the link because it might make things more understandable (and I would appreciate any advice) because at the moment I find this so hard I just want my X to put his arms round me and tell me that his sorry, we could make it work and to appreciate the love that I have for him. Every day is a struggle, I keep myself busy with work and the gym but I miss him so much it hurts! link removed Thanks dragon Lady

great post: just thought I would add some comments. As a women who is still in counselling and has been going every week for 3 months I have started on the path of self discovery, originally it was my ex's choice to start counselling but he obviously couldn't handle it and when he left me he stopped going whereas I have continued.. My ex -fiance broke up with me in March and I was a mess, started blaming my self, cut my wrists (physical pain is easier to deal with than emotional) and all the usual crap. Counselling helped me to not blame myself but to understand what happened in the relationship. 1) X couldn't committ, had been married and divorced within 2 years, had a failed serous relationship before he met me, thought I was his soulmate, we got engaged, planned the wedding but as soon as it was within a few months, it got scary and he cancelled. This is because he has an attachment disorder (can't remember the name of it0 which stems from his childhood, the death of his twin in the womb and how his parents treated him. 2) As a child he witnessed his father hitting his mother, a lot of our problems within the relationship could be classified as emotional abuse (he never hit me or any physical abuse) but the emotional side stems from the physical abuse of his mother. 3) Because of his fear to tackle a problem he would ignore it or pass the blame, this is because it didn't feel safe or was too scare for him to go there. 4) As a result of my abuse from previous relationships I loved too much and created my whole world around my X, (partly becuase I moved a long distance to be with him). I was recommended a book by my counsellor could women who loved to much by Robin norwood and it is a very intresting but hard read. I could go on forever about this subject and I would say seeing my counsellor and reading the book has helped a lot.

He was my North, my South, my East and West, My working week and my Sunday rest, My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song; I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong. W. H. Auden It is sad not to be loved but it is much sadder not to be able to love. Miguel De Unamuno It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. Alfred Lord Tennyson Looking back, I have this to regret, that too often when I loved, I did not say so. David Grayson Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell. Joan Crawford Love is a portion of the soul itself, and it is of the same nature as the celestial breathing of the atmosphere of paradise. Victor Hugo Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly and without expectation. We don't love to be loved; we love to love. Leo Buscaglia Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. Aristotle One word frees us of all the weight and pain in life. That word is love. Sophocles Perfect love is rare indeed - for to be a lover will require that you continually have the subtlety of the very wise, the flexibility of the child, the sensitivity of the artist, the understanding of the philosopher, the acceptance of the saint, the tolerance of the scholar and the fortitude of the certain. Leo Buscaglia Take away love and our earth is a tomb. Robert Browning The art of love . . . is largely the art of persistence. Albert Ellis The course of true love never did run smooth. William Shakespeare There is only one kind of love, but there are one thousand imitations. Francois de La Rochefoucauld To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead. Bertrand Russell True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about but few have seen. Francois de La Rochefoucauld Two souls with but a single thought, Two hearts that beat as one. Friedrich Halm We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love. Tom Robbins