mjones.uk

Bro, Firstly, well done on asking for some help - this shows that you've admitted to yourself that you have a problem (problems!) and that you have the balls to stand up and ask for help. Believe me, some people cant even do this. You've written down how you see yourself. You know inside though that this is not really you. We are the sum total of all the decisions we have made in life. the biggest and most important step now is to accept that you are to blame. Yes thats right. Don't blame other people, your circumstances, bad luck etc, blame yourself. Once you realise that the only thing you can control in this world is yourself, then the focus is back on you to start making some changes. Most people drift along in life, unhappy, never getting anywhere or achieving anything, the way to think of this is as being a ship without a rudder - never knowing where its heading. In order to change where you are now, you must take control of that rudder and steer yourself in the right direction. Ok, you've made some mistakes and done some bad things - havent we all. Mistakes are there to be learnt from, at least you know and want to change, you just need the tools do it. Please dont see yourself as a failure. There is no failure - except in no longer trying. No longer trying in life means only one thing... Remember, every man is the architect of his own future. Bro, you can have whatever you want in life, but its going to take some effort. Then again, what in this world doesn't? If you really feel bad, and especially if you're still being violent, then you must get some professional help. This may be hard abroad, but is there anyway you can come back to the UK? If not, then the next best thing (although you really need a professional to talk to) is to try and help yourself. get some books, read them absorb them, believe them and do what they tell you to do. The one's that helped me are as follows: 'Life Strategies - do what works, do what matters' by Dr Phillip C McGraw 'Awaken the giant within' - Anthony Robbins (excellent, get it) 'Unlimited Power' - Anthony Robbins 'How high can you bounce' - Roger Crawford 'Born to Succeed' - Colin Turner You should be able to these cheaply on ebay.co.uk, or from Amazon, so please do. It is said that people want to change, but don't until they finally reach rock bottom. If you feel like this bro, then start to see it as the point in your life when you start climbing back up. It may be a hard climb but you will make it. There are thousands of people just like you, climbing right now, and there will be thousands after you. Once you start gaining some self confidence back, stop drinking and being violent (keep telling yourself that these things are all under your control, do not believe that they control you), you will start to pull yourself back. You can do it man, dont become a victim of your circumstances. Remember, there are people out there who really care and who will help you, but its really down to you. Please, stop the booze and fists before you do some serious damage to either yourself or some other poor soul. If you really believe things are that bad then why not take a look at the kids who are in hospital fighting cancer, or getting there limbs blown off in Iraq, and tell yourself that you owe them the opportunity you have of rebuilding yourself and your life - something they may never have. Change is an intergral part of life, there is no escaping it, so believe it man, you can change.

Hi Mate, I'm really sorry to hear about your situation - I know exactly what you're going through because your post sounded as though I had written it myself. The only difference for me being the fact we were together for 8 years (and she dumped me just before Xmas). I know what you're feeling at the moment and the hurt and confusion that is reigning through you. What can i say mate? You've just got to see what happens. Let me make one thing clear - the best way to PUSH her away is to keep calling, pestering, asking why, if you loved each other it would work... etc etc - I've learnt that the more you beg and plead etc with her, the more it reinforces the fact that its over. It will be the hardest things you'll ever have to do, but you've got to let her sort her own head out and decide what she wants. I am still using this advice myself, and I make it easier by thinking "If its meant to be it will be", "If she really loves you and wants to be with you, then she will come back", "If you really love her, then you will want her to be happy, even if that means its not with you". These may not help you at the mo, but keep reading them, they make sense and they do start to help you adjust. Just remember she is her own person and it makes sense for her to want to explore other areas of relationships, being single, being involved with others, almost every human being on the planet will have done this at one time or the other. I know that doesnt take away the massive hole that has burnt through you now, but currently your heart is ruling your head and it takes alot of effort to turn this the other way. I love my ex so much , and like you, I took her for granted at times and maybe never gave her the appreciation or respect she deserved at times, but who knows if any of these things are the reasons they leave us? Sometimes people just feel that something is missing from their life and they have to find whatever it is. She doesn't want to hurt you like this on purpose, and my guess is she really does still love you, so this decision must be very hard for her as well. You may have a better chance than me at reuniting (although please, i dont want to get your hopes up), as she may soon find out that what is out there isn't necassarily better than what she had! Sometimes it takes something like this for us to evaluate ourselves, make changes for the better and realise what real love is all about. I'm not saying this will happen in the next few weeks, it may take months, indeed you should prepare yourself for the fact it really is over for good. This thought will be extremly hard for you to accept or even bare, at the moment, and I really feel for you because I remember the pain I experienced for the first month or so (and the pain I still feel). You were right about it happening later on - just look at my situation! I think that you may find this is a good thing eventually, especially if you get back together, as your love will be stronger than ever. As hard is at may be, please don't let her see you moping around all miserable and lonely. You've got to show her you are a strong, independent person who still has a life, even without her in it. After all, which person would you find more attractive? You would also be better off trying not to see her or spend anytime together. I gather this may be difficult at uni, but avoid endless emails about nothing, phone calls, text messages, little meetings etc - you have to try and go cold turkey. Yes, if you do happen to cross paths then just act friendly, look happy, but don't carry out long conversations, or mention the break up. This will probably be extremely difficult for you, but you've got to give her the chance to remember why she went out with you and why she fell in love with you, she wont do that if you always look like a wet weekend, when you bump into each other! If you'd like to send me a private message please do, as I'd be happy to give you a list of books, urls and any other help or advice I can, that has been of help to me in the past 4 months. Take it easy mate, you'll survive and you'll be stronger for it. Best wishes, Mike

Hi folks, Having given information on this forum to others who have broken up with their partners, you'd think I'd be doing ok and accepting/getting on with my life. Thing is, I'm trying, but feel like I'm getting nowhere. My g/f of 8 years finished with me 3 days before Xmas - without any warning and just after we'd spent the weekend away together and done our Xmas shopping for each other. Needless to say I was devestated and ended up having to have some time off work. Her 'reasons' where that she 'didnt feel I was the one anymore' etc. To help me understand I have done alot of research and reading into life and relationships, and have come to understand so much about myself and where things went wrong, not just in my our relationship, but also in my own mind and life. If I had the knowledge then that I have now, I think we would have worked it out, but i also know that the way to really show someone how much you love them is to let them go. Let them be their own person and discover life for themselves. You can't force someone to be with you and you shouldn't. If you really are meant to be then they will come back. The thing is I still feel this way about her. She has been my only really serious relationship - I'm 28 now and have been with her since I was 20 and she was 17, but that doesn't bother me because all the time we've been together I've never wanted anyone else, she is just fantastic in every way. Granted we had our difficulties, and I know that I have said and done things that I wish to god I hadn't (but havent we all!) but she knows how much I love her and we were always there for each other, we have done so many things together, been to so many places, but in the end it seems love is not enough. I have done the right thing and not tried to contact her at all. I learned that is the biggest mistake and only pushes them further away. But now, 2 months down the line, I still miss her so, so much. She was my best friend and we talked about everything. I guess I'm not as lucky as most of the other guys on here, as I dont have that big a circle of friends. Most of my friends are people I work with, i don't really have anyone that close. We cant really run accross each other as she lives in a different town (not that far away) and is a lovely, popular girl, so I can imagine I'm not much on her mind anymore. She's probably got someone else now as well as she always got attention off other blokes. I know that one person or thing shouldn't be responsible for our happiness and that happiness is an attitude we create, but I just feel so lonely and miserable without her. Sure, i go clubbing sometimes, go out for drinks with my mates etc, but none of it really matters to me. I can't seem to be able to accept my life without her. I hate being single. OK, perhaps i havent given it a chance yet, but I hate it. I so miss the closeness and affection you get when you're with your loved one. I can't imagine being with someone else. I have no urge to go out on the 'pull'. We were planning to move in together this year, but now I'm going to be stuck at home still. At 28. You probably all think thats really sad of me, but now I've got nowhere else to go. I don't want to go and live on my own in a pokey little place somewhere. I can't stand being on my own at the minute anyway. I tell myself that I love her so much I want her to be happy - even if it means its with someone else, and I mean it, but inside I wish to god it was me! I think about her from the moment i wake up to the moment I go to sleep and I just cannot stop missing her so much that i feel like I've got a hole in my chest. Nothing else seems to interest me - friends, work - I'm even going to New Zealand backpacking for a month but I can't seem to get excited about it! How bad is that! I know i have spent the last 8 years making her my life instead of making a life for myself, and now I've got to try and do that. but am i going to be able to do it alone? Am i going to be able to deal with being single and not having anyone to share my love with? When will i start to get over her!!?? I dont want to, but I know i have to, but when you love and want to be with someone so much, how do you or when do you start to not feel that way!!?? It a fact that you won't be able to make anybody else happy unless you are happy with yourself first. Somehow, i need to learn to live by myself and be happy with who I am and the life I live. At the moment, I'm trying my best, but life without some to share and love with just doesn't do it for me at the moment.

Hi Rob, I'm really sorry to hear about your situation mate, I'm currently in a similiar one - not married but been together 8 years. I love her with all my heart, but she's decided she doesn't feel the same anymore etc etc. Anyway, that was just before Xmas (of all the times to choose) and those two weeks after were the worst of my life. I'm not saying I'm over it now, God no, but i will tell you that in a way I am grateful for what has happened because it has given me the chance to find out what went wrong and how i was responsible. It has given me a chance to see that i have spent 8 years of my life living someone else's and not taking control of my own. It has given me the chance to do alot of research into the field of relationships and into Self Help/Life improvement. I am going to say alot of things now that are things I have learnt recently and at the end I will give a list of books you MUST buy if you would really like some help getting past the way you feel now. Firstly - I'll tell you straight - DO NOT BEG, PLEAD, CRY, ASK FOR A SECOND CHANCE ANYMORE. Period. By doing these things you are reinforcing your partners wishes to be away from you. The more you do these things, the more certain they are going to be about ending it. You are simply putting pressure on them by making the feel you have 'nothing' without them etc. All you are really doing is displaying low self esteem - not a very attractive feature! As hard as it may seem at the moment, you must stop all contact. Firstly, this will show her that you are already taking control of your life, and secondly, she will realise that she can't expect to not have to be in a relationship with you but still have you there when she wants. " Sometimes the absense of something causes no pain, but realizing it's absent to us forever does" You will want to ring, tell her you've changed, tell her you can be the man she wants, the man she used to love etc, and even if this may be true it WON'T MATTER! DON'T DO IT! All you are doing is destroying your own self esteem. When we feel we 'need' something then we are handing over power and control to that thing. When we stop 'needing' then we are giving our power back to ourselves. Once you stop pushing she will stop resisting. Remember this - The only thing you can control in this world is YOU! She has come to a decison that you may not agree with or think is right, but understand that by trying to change that decision you are trying to exert control over her, and if she feels that, how do you think she's going to react? Give her control back to herself. As much as it hurts, tears you up inside (and believe me mate I know exactly these feelings) you must first just give yourself the power not to beg and plead and call and email and...! I found it very hard, but I know that I have kept my self esteem and given my self power back! Hell, she was probably expecting me to do those things so now she can wonder just what the hell I am doing! Ha! Right next point. Many people say after a break up "How am i ever going to get over this?" "I love them so much, how can I ever stop loving them?" Wel how about this - DON'T! Who says you have to 'get over' them? Who says you have to stop loving someone because you're not in a relationship anymore - you don't! The key here is to realise that we can love a lot of people in our lifetime, that doesnt mean each time we have to stop loving them when it ends. What happens is that after time (yes that old chestnut I'm afraid, even I've started to accept it now) as our hearts heal, we can feel that love of that person and actually feel happy we had the chance to share it and experience it. It hurts so bad at the moment when we think of the good times, but one day we will think of the love and those times and just feel a peace in our hearts. We've accepted it's no longer physically with us, but we can still hold it inside without experiencin pain. We haven't 'gotten over it', we've accepted the past, we've accepted the loss and we are ready to move on. Now I'm not saying I'm there yet! But just by saying that to myself and believing it, it does actually make me feel a bit better inside. You might be surprised to learn the secret of accepting and letting go is to just go with the flow. Don't try to let go, just keep holding on. This is part of the grieving and healing process we need to go through in order to heal our hearts. By the way, if you still have that little spark that says 'Maybe there is still a small chance, somehow...' well thats only natural at the moment, but this will slow the grieving process. The way to deal with it is to pretend it is over for good, even if may be there might be chance one day, for now, to help you, you must try to start telling yourself it is really, truly over - and then the tears will really flow and the start of acceptance and healing can begin. Its still early days for you, but believe me when you think you can cry no more, then you haven't done enough! As much as we try to surpress these emotions because of the overpowering despair and pain they bring, we must let it happen, for that is the healing process, they are healing tears. What is she expecting you to do/act at the moment? And if you do that is it going to have any effect on winning her back? NO! So start to agree with her. 'It is the best thing to separate!' 'You're right, we should move on'. Once she feels no resistance then she stops wanting to resist. Once people stop feeling the pressure you put on them they start to feel more comfortable around you. You actually win the battle! Now I'm not saying it means you'll get back together (remember,we are accepting its over) but if there was ever a starting point then accepting and not resisting is the one. Don't be the person she's expecting you to be. As difficult as it is, try to show indifference. Just agree with her, tell her you feel the same. You really want to drive her crazy? Just get on with your life and make it better than theirs! I know its early days yet, but believe me it will drive your ex crazy to see that you are doing better without them, that you're the stronger one–the real winner in the battle–and that they weren't at all that important to you! Another way that has helped me has been to change that 'little voice' in my head. You know the one! The one that says 'I'm nothing without her', or 'There's no one else in the world for me' or 'i can't go on without her in my life' etc etc. Aaagh! Remember this - "Whatever i think, I am". Keep saying these things to yourself and you just reinforce them! So we have to start changing these little voices, or these beliefs (if that is how we see them) to one's that actually work for us. An important thing to note here is that there is no reality - only perception. read that line again. What it means is that we don't really see what's going on in the world, we only see our perception of it. And it is within our power to literally change our perception of any situation. Its not the events of our lives, but the meaning we attach to the events - how we interpret them - that shapes who we are today and who we'll become tomorrow. Lets look at some examples. You could keep telling yourself that 'There's no-one like her for me' - not much help in the healing process - or you could look at that little voice and say 'Well thats a bit silly. There's millions of women in the world looking for a guy like me and at least I've now got the chance to find someone who really wants to be with me.' Wouldn't that help a bit, even if you don't currently believe it? Here are some more examples for you to keep reinforcing in your mind! " The only thing I control in my life is ME. I accept that all other things are beyond my control" "Everything happens for a reason. I may look back on this in a years time and be grateful that it happened". "I feel really bad right now, but I know that in time, this too shall pass" "Whatever happens to me, in any given situation - I'll handle it!" "The past does not equal the future" "There is really only one person in this world who can truly make me happy and that is ME!" "Every experience in life is a learning experience. There are no failures, only lessons." "Nothing in life has any meaning except the meaning i give it" "If I truly love her then I want her to be happy - even if its not with me" I could go on and on here, but those are some good examples. See this as a learning experience. Forgive yourself and your wife and allow yourself to grieve and believe that things will get better. Remember, there are couples that are married 25+ years and separate, yet they too find love again. So can You and I, when the time is right. Don't try to get over it too soon. Allow yourself the grief now. Ignore friends and family who get fed up with your 'moping around' - if you had a broken leg they wouldn't moan because you aren't running around, the same applies for a broken heart. Make this the chance to really improve yourself. Thats what I'm doing. Looking back I can see why she left me. I was clingy, needy, self conscious -aaggh! Now I'm going to give myself this time to grieve, accept, heal and make myself such a better person, one I deserve to be, that if my ex ever saw me again she wouldn't recognise me! I'm giving myself my personal power back. All the time we beg and plead and email and phone, or constantly think about getting back with them, we are letting them win! These things don't work. We are letting then control our lives even when they aren't there anymore! What are we - Men or Mice!? Understand that there is no blame. You are responsible for your life. No one else. You create the results in your life - all of the time. When we feel angry, hurt or upset in some way then we own those feelings and are accountable for their presense in our lives. You are not a victim. You are creating the situations you are in and the emotions that flow from those situations. Stop saying "Why are you doing this to me?" and start saying "Why am I doing this to myself?" Nows the time for us take a long hard look at our lives and ourselves. An important phrase now is "Keep doing what you're doing and you'll keep getting what you're getting." It is a painful and horrible time and we dont want it to be real. But it is. We can't win by displaying weak, needy nothingness to our ex'es. We can only win by accepting the grief, allowing it to happen in order for us to heal, and build ourselves into bigger, stronger, better people who don't need anyone to make them happy! Maybe one day we'll see our partners again and they'll realise what they let go! Then who has the power! I'll tell you the one thing that is helping me at the minute, and this may sound strange. I am installing the belief that 'As long as she's happy then I'm happy'. If she's having fun, even if its with someone else, then as long as she's happy I am happy. After all, if you really love someone you want them to be happy! Its only our selfish reasons of wanting to be the one to make them happy, thats makes us upset to think they are doing ok without us. I do miss my ex and i'm sure i will for a long time, but I'm going to keep working at improving myself and constantly reinforcing the belief that as long as she's happy, then I'm happy. I know alot of this won't seem like much to you at the moment Rob, as your split is very recent, but I think the most important thing you can do now, as I said earlier is not to call and beg and plead - you will only be reinforcing her decision to leave whilst losing your own self esteem. let her be the one doing the wondering! Now, one thing that helped me was to take a week off work (doctor signed me off due to 'stress' of the breakup) and do lots of reading of the following books and websites - they have all really helped me. All the best mate Mike ============ Life Strategies by Dr Phillip C McGraw Awaken the Giant Within by Anthony Robbins Unlimited Power by Anthony Robbins Mars and Venus Starting Over by John Gray

Hey Maddox, I'm a 27 year old male and I consider myself pretty attractive, but I'm spending New Years Eve on my own, for the first time in 7 years. My girlfriend finished with me a few days before Xmas, and I have had the worst week of my entire life so far. So you can forget about all that 'I'm ugly' 'I'm overweight' stuff, because it dont matter baby! You've already said you can have any boy you want, and you have lots of friends, so you're beating me already - wish I could have any girl I want - wish I had lots of friends! I think your main problem is your own perception of yourself. If you see yourself as ugly and fat, you're going to project that image to others. You're obviously a popular person and I bet you're the life and soul of the party. I'd love to know more people like you - you think an attractive, but boring bimbo is fun?? Only for about 3 seconds! None of us are perfect in any way and those that think they are, are so insecure they must be crazy jealous of someone like you! Maddox, please buy the book "Awake the Giant Within" by Anthony Robbins, which will help you understand who you are and what you want, and I will leave you with some quotes from the book "Dare to Connect" by Susan Jeffers: "We agonize over society's definition of physical 'flaws' that have nothing to do with finding people we love." "When are we ever going to get it into our heads that looks play a very small part in our ability to create a loving relationship with members of the opposite sex?" "I look at my husband and I see only beauty in him...despite the physical flaws he sees in himself. My husband looks at me and sees only beauty... despite the physical flaws I see in myself. Amazing when you consider I've had a masectomy!..." "We shouldn't worry about someone judging our bodies, because everyone else is too busy worrying about their own!" I hope you have a Happy New Year Maddox!

Hi venquessa, Thanks for your reply to one of my previous posts, funny that we're going through virtually the same thing. People dont realise how much harder it is to lose someone, when to you they were the most perfect girlfriend you could ever want. My g/f was (is) so lovely and sweet, so kind and caring, sensitive, gorgeous - why would i want to force myself to move on when she was the one I wanted to spend my life with! It is even harder when you realise all the little things you did that probably contributed to the break up. I can look back and I feel so so bad for some of the horrible things I said to her in the past (I'm not a horrible person, but i really seemed it at times), or some of the things I didnt do. When we got back together last year, it was because we agreed that things needed changing. Of course it started off good, better than ever in fact, but I failed to see i let things get back to same way they were before - and it hurts just knowing that if I could have woken up in time, then I could have saved it. I, like you, want to believe we can make it work, because in our hearts we know we can (aaargh!), and just the thought of having to let go is too painful to imagine. But you cannot control someone else. The only thing we have total control over in this world is ourselves. If our partners simply dont want to be with us, then we have to let them make that choice, we can't choose whats right and wrong for them. Its hurting me just writing this because i am not at the stage of being able to 'let go'. I am so scared at how long I'm going to be feeling as bad as I do, because I'm finding it extremly difficult to handle. I dont have a close network of friends and family to turn to, which makes it all the more harder and lonelier. I guess my hurt and pain is not just the fact I've lost her and I will never have the chance to change where I went wrong, but also because now I've got the fear of facing up to reality. I've got to find myself, find out where I want to go in life, what I want to do, and at the moment I cant answer those questions, so it makes the future a very scary place. As me and my ex live in different towns I've also got to face the fact that I will probably never see her beautiful, smiling face again, and have the knowledge that for her this is ok. I am thinking about taking some time out by doing some voluntary work abroad for a month or so, maybe in New Zealand. I wonder if this would help, or would I feel even more lonely? Is there anyone on this forum who has felt as bad as us, but is now managing to get past it? I'd love to hear from you, as long as you dont say that it took years! Oh, by the way Venquessa, here's something that might help you. Its made things a lot clearer for me and I must admit has helped so really think you should get it. Its an online book caled 'Lifted Hearts' go to this link and you can buy it, its worth it.

My G/F of 8 years left me 2 days before Xmas. i had no idea anything was wrong, and right up until the last day she would say she loved me, we went out and did Xmas shopping together, she spent lots of money on my presents. When she did it, it absolutly broke my heart. She is such a gorgeous, sweet, caring, lovely girl and I love her with all my heart. I'm finding it so difficult, not just with the fact that she just 'doesnt have the same feelings anymore' (jeez thats a killer), but I just so miss the physical contact. You know, holding hands, lying in each others arms, that comforting hug, that lovely evening cuddle in front of the tv, that soft, gentle kiss...to know I'm never going to experience any of that with her again is just impossible to take in. I dont know, it is so bad, and worse to know that it is going to be so long before I get these things again, and it will probably be with someone else....

Hi, I'm also 27 and am currently feeling that whats the point living when you dont feel alive. I have just lost the girl I love after 8 years. She has 'moved on' apparently. I am absolutly devestated and scared, not only because I've lost her, but because I realise I have based my whole life around her and I now am left with nothing. No friends, no life, no hopes, no direction, no motivation. I still live at home for god sake. I realise now that she has moved on since we've got together, whereas I am still the same, doing the same thing, with nothing to offer her really. Why did I have to realise this now!????? I could have had the chance to transfer jobs nearer to her, move out and find a place for us together, but no, I've blown it and now its too late. If I was her, I wouldnt want me either. I would like to start my own business, I even have one to start, but low self confidence, fear of failure, fear of the unkown and procrastination are destroying my chances of ever making it get off the ground, let alone succeed. I think these things are what have kept me stuck in the same place for so long, as though I'm chained up, unable to control my own life. I am going to try to get help now, as I realise that no longer can I live like this, i just wish i knew where to start. Here's to somehow fixing our lives in the new year folks.

Thanks, I know what you're saying and I wish it were that simple. It hurts even more to realise I've got nothing to offer anyone, as you put it. I dont know why I put love before everything else, or why I've got this massive fear of being on my own, or without someone special. I want to put my life on track, but i think I need some help in doing so, at lest someone to talk to, to show me where I've gone wrong and how to start to fix it. I think my problem lies a bit deeper and more serious than just this break up. You're right, I did make it my whole life, and its going to be extremly difficult to realise that that life is now gone. I am effectivly dead and need to be re-born. That scares the hell out of me, I just feel so lost and alone. If you have any knowledge of special councellers or someone I could just get it all out to, please could you let me know how to get help, i would appreciate it. Thanks.

Hi Guys, I thought I was the luckiest man in the world. I'm 27 and have been with my g/f for nearly 8 years. I love her with all my heart and wanted the new year to really be our year, get a house, get engaged etc. To me she is absolutly perfect. Everything about her. I have never wanted anyone else in this time and every minute I spent with her was heaven. unfortunately I have some personality problems where I can be quite a shy, quiet person, but i can also easily lose my temper and have screaming fits, like a child - though these are rare. If I'm really going to be honest then I will also say that I probably have a low self confidence in myself, although i dont always feel like this. Anyway, she is a soft spoken, beautiful, sweet, kind, confident, popular person, and most of the time we have spent has been fantastic. We have done so many things together, but yes, there have been bad times and I can blame myself for them. I must mention that we also have spent most of these years apart, as she went to Uni in a different town and we see each other at weekends, holidays etc. We have been fine with this and the weekends were always something to look forward to. We spoke on the phone in the week as well. We broke up last year, but I begged her that we could make it work, Bsaically things had become stale, we didnt communicate, I became complacent and didnt make the effort to do things she wanted etc, but after looking at what we wanted, we decided to give it a try. It started off fantastic, as though we had fallen in love all over again, and then of course, it levelled out and began to become stagnant again. The problem is I didnt see this and she didnt tell me. I failed to respond to her needs, not because I didnt want to, but because I didnt realise she was getting bored. I was so happy with her just doing nothing, e.g just watching a movie or staying in, but I didnt see that it wasnt going both ways. Now, 3 days before Xmas, just after we'd gone out and bought lots of presents for each other, she just suddenly said 'Its not working for me anymore', 'I feel I've moved on'. I could not possibly explain what this did to me. We had just spent a fantastic weekend away together, done our Xmas shopping together and generally been like a couple in love - or so I thought! I know I'm not the perfect boyfrined, but I've always loved her with all my heart, been there for her, done whatever I could, but I've also not done things (although again this wasnt on purpose, I was just to stupid and blind to realise). I thought everything was great, we have never stopped saying 'I love you' to each other, we always have a nice time together, it just hurts me beyond belief and coping through Xmas has been absolutley horrendous. Whats worse is she told all the things that were wrong, over the phone, and as I listened I could see her point and couldnt understand how I hadnt noticed. I feel so absolutely guilty and awful, and whats worse is i know I could make up for these things (things like not taking her out clubbing, not listening to her properly) I'm so hurt that this was her impression of me, but she never discussed it so I couldnt tell her that I would change and make up for these things. I couldnt convince her that i could make up for all the things I've not done, and that was that. one phone call and 8 beautiful years ended. we were both crying and I know she felt badly as well, she kept saying sorry and that she didnt know how to deal with the feelings that maybe I'm not the 'one', so this would be easier than always having that thought at the back of her mind. God, i think it would have been easier if she told me I was a w****r and she hated me, rather than saying I was 'the best boyfriend in the world, but she didnt have the same feelings for me anymore' !! I am distraught that I feel I let it get this bad and now I'll never have the chance to make it up. How the hell can I live with myself when the girl i thought I was going to marry, i wasnt really giving what she wanted, and all because I was to damn blind to see it!? What makes it worse is that I dont really have any close friends to share this pain with. As we have spent our weekends together for so long i dont have anyone else. My work friends dont live anywhere near me, and my friends from school went to Uni and never came back. I know you are probably thinking I'm a bit of a sad bas***d, and you're probably right. I still live at home, dont have a circle of friends to do things with, my entire family only consists of my mum and my brother, and now I've lost the only person I ever really wanted in my life. The actual physical pain that it causes i.e. the sickness in the stomach and muscle shaking etc, is really destroying me. My poor mum had to watch me try and eat Xmas dinner when I felt so sick. She is the only person who has been there for me, which I really appreciate. How do you get over someone who you really felt you would build a life with and be with forever? I cant imagine what I'm going to feel like when it comes to friday each week and I know I've got a weekend of loneliness to look forward to. My lovely, cute, sweet, beautiful darling is suddenly no longer around. Do you know what, its actually still really difficult to believe! Sorry if I sound like a wimp guys, we shared everything together - concerts, holidays, restaurants, xmas, new Years, - everything, and now I've got the joy of facing it alone. How can i do it? In the 8 years we've been together, I've never met anyone like her, so that doesnt bode well for the future! I cannot get my mind off anything else, i have been getting drunk at night just so I can fall asleep, and when I wake up in the morning it is just so horrible to suddenly realise she isnt there. I know its only been a few days, but I dont know how to cope with these feelings. I know I shouldnt contact her now, even though its incredibly hard not to want to, but it makes me sick to think that it isnt as hard for her. She has lots of friends, a big family, all the things i was part of that are now gone from my life, and a she is so good looking i know she will get a lot of attention from other guys. I'm torn between accepting that I will probably never hear from her or see her again (!!) and maybe thinking that she might realise that life's not that great without me. Do I really want to hold on to that belief though? It hurts so much not to just lose someone, but alos to realise that you could probably be easily replaced. I also know that if/when she finds someone else, I will.....well i dont know, i really dont know how I can cope with that. Right, I've gone on for long enough, thanks for reading if you've managed to ge this far! It kinda helps to read of other chaps going through similiar in these postings, and to know that guys can be sensitive and love someone, without having to keep up a 'macho' image. Look forward to hearing from any of you. cheers guys