pete2002

sorry. one more thing. why is she nicer after blow ups. thats easy. when you get upset, you are threatening the very nice situation she has. you are threatening her equilibrum... of being on her own, on a break, open to meet other people, but still having her great ex boyfriend there to fall back on. of course shes going to be real nice, make you feel all good again, and get you back on board to this perfect situation she has foudn herself in. once again, im sure she is a nice girl, and cares about you, but not enough at this point. i hope you follow my advice, i know its hard, bt i think its the best chance to figure things out, and get back together with her if its meant to be.

hey man, i actually used to use this forum to get advice, about a year and a half ago when i was going through a real hard break up. your story sounds a lot like mine. and i often didnt listen when people gave me advice, because i only heard what i wanted to hear, but i'll give it to you straight. yes, sure, there is a chance you guys may work out. but not now. she is taking your for granted. you are there to fall back on. you are great, but shes looking for greater (at this point). so what are your options? make yourself better, but without her. the time you used to spend with her, do something different.. go to the gym, hang out with your friends, read a book.. i know this sounds corny, and i remmeber thinking it was corny when people said it to me, but its true. and dont feel like you need to announce it to her or tell her about it for validation. you are doing it for you, making yourself better. just tell her you agree with her that right now you both dont know what you want, but the best way to figure it out is to be on your own for a bit and do your own thing. tell her you need to know if she is right for you. that should not be a given. if its a given, it puts the ball solely in her court. who knows.. maybe you find someone else. likely, you arent looking for someone else, so you may not, but thats fine. you never know. if you keep hanging out wtih her, letting her dictate, it makes you seem like a very reliable back up. if you were your ex, why wouldnt you want that? its great. you can hang out, date others, not talk when you dont want to, but then if you are upset, you have a great back up. well, its great for her, but not so much for you. im sure she is a great girl. im sure you love her a lot. but right now shes not right for you, and things arent working out. but, if you truly want to sabotage any chance you have of this ever working out, you can do that by constantly being at her side whenever she wants you to be there. because, to be honest, if that is how easy you are going to make it for her, she would be stupid not to go for that sort of an arrangement. good luck man, let me know if you need any more advice.

hi i broke up with my girlfriend of four years almost two years ago, followed by her wanting to get back together with me for a year, and then things switching and me trying to get back together wtih her for teh past year. i was real depressed last year at this time. she started dating someone about a year ago. i am A LOT better now that i was. the problem is that she tells me how much she cares about me, and even says that she would date me if she wasnt with her boyfriend, and that in many ways i understand her better than anyone. I know this makes me her safety net, im smart enough to figure that out. but i have trouble getting her out of my head, i think about her a hundred times a day, and sometimes i feel like im waiting for her to break up with her boyfriend and date me. her friends like me more, her parents like me more, i think even she likes me more. i know that if we date again, we'll get married. i know she knows that too. but right now shes committed to seeing if she will stay forever with her new bf. i dont know. i just cant get over her. shes amazing, smart, lawyer, really loved me a lot before i sorta messed it up. i dont know. i guss how can you get over someone who leaves the door open, who lives a block away, who you konw you want to be wtih and who you know still loves you? im very thankful for all yoru advice. it means a lot to me. i have a great life, im a physician, im still young (25), great family and friends, but i cant get this girl out of my head, partially because of her, and partially because i want her back. thanks

hi, i've posted in the past. i broke up with my gifrliend of 4 years, and then had a change of heart six months later, chased her for four months, and made a complete fool of myself. three months ago she started dating someone else, adn at that point i finally just stopped talking to her. she woudl email once a week, call saying she missed me so much, and i only once returned her weekly calls when it was because her grandmother had died. at that point she even asked if we coudl hang out more, but i told her the point of my call was to talk about her grandma, not to change how things were between us. she is still dating this guy, although i have no idea how close they are. she is now home for the summer from law school. so now me, her, and her new bf are all in different cities. she's called me twice from home, and i havent yet responded. so here's the question. i've done a lot of growing the past three months, and have worked on myself. I know she cares a lot about me, but i also know she's dating soemoen else. but i want to konw, at this point, can i fight for her? Can i do something to sweep her off her feet, and try to see if we can try to work things out my plan is this.. to send her a care package (something she loves so much and woudl make her so happy when we dated). ive already bought most of the things to put in it, all very presonalizd, all took so much thought, all will make her really happy/sad at the same time. in the care package i will include a note that tells here where im at, and asks her if she wants to try to even see if there is anythign between us, i will come visit her accross the country during my two weeks off from medical school, and we will see how things are... if she wants nothing to do wtih this offer, then she shoudl just say no.. i think this is obviously dumb and scary in many ways, but in a way its good. either we try, or i stop holding on to this hope that i still for some stupid reason have in my head, only because she keeps calling me and telling me she misses me so much that it hurts. but i know that doesnt really mean anything, but still, i think it makes me hold on, so maybe this will be finality. but do you guys think this has any chance of working? do you think this will hurt me a lot? THANKS SO MUCH pete

destructo, thanks so much. your situation si the same as mine, and i think the word you used, about our ex's being selfish, is the perfect word. my ex is a wonderful girl.. and i made a lot of mistakes too, and i realize that. but even though she does miss me a lot, and i know that she has been telling my friends and even telling her new boyfriend that, its still selfish for her to expect me to be able to be her buddy and go hang out and grab dinner wtih her to talk (she emailed me yesterday to do just that).... of course its unselfih for a few reasons.. first of all it makes me question if she is still with this guy, if she's happy with him... second, it makes me go back to second guessing about whether or not this is really over, and makes me think maybe i should fight for her more.. and third, it just stops me from getting over her by tricking me into thinking her missing me thinks she wants to be with me, which are two entirely different things.. its hard, though, because even though im doing much better than i was during the four months of trying to get her back, im still sad a lot, and i still think of her a lot... its not as intense, but its certainly there. i wonder what if a lot, and still ownder where she, although now im gooda bout not trying to find out... i havent returned her calls for two months except when her grandmohter, who i was closed to, passed away.. and even then she asked me if we could start hanging out... it was quite selfish.. i loved her a lot. i want nothing more than to make her feel better when she's upset, so ignoring her when she says she misses me so much it aches, is hard to do. but, im an intelligent person, and i have inteligent friends, and you certainly seem to know what you are talking about... and all of those poepel say that calling her could only really hurt me... so, i persist.. but, read this email, how do i respond to this? Hey, I'm writing a paper thats taking forever. I just got an Easter basket from my mom and she wanted to thank you for sending your note after my grandma died. so thanks. Anyway, I'm bored and I don't know if you have to study anymore at all or even if you are home, but if you are you should come over. Maybe we could even order dinner or something, or go somewhere quick. I'm guessing that you won't answer me, but thought I'd try. Why don't you come over and we can talk about things? I want you to be happy cuz thats you, ok? Call me if you wanna come. this message was two days after the message i started this thread with... mixed signals.... pete

i have the EXACT same story.. as im sure others do... and i am sitting here waiting for everyone's replies.. thanks in advance.... my story.. broke up after 4 yrs... lots of fighting to get her back... and now she's dating someone else, sending me emails about how much she misses and asking to hang out and grab dinner... all while getting more serious i think with other guy, but im not sure of their status... what shoudl i do.. shoudl i write back.. and if i do, what shoudl my tone be.. should i be honest and say i miss her, or shoudl i say to stop talking to me because i dont want to just be her buddy right now. thanks

My GF of 4 yrs and i broke up 1.5 years ago because i brok eup wtih her because i wasnt ready.. then, when i was ready a around eight months ago, she said she wanted to just see how things went, but instead just strung me along telling me how much she cared about me, but then not wanting to date.... mixed signals mixed signals... now she's been dating a guy for two months.. she likes him a lot, and has known him for about 8 months.. seems like a very nice guy... treats her well, and she's very into him.. i havent called her in two months.. but every week or so i get an email or a message from her, saying she misses me, and begging for me to call her so we can be friends again... i've only spoken to her once in two months when she called me crying because her relative died... we talked for five minutes, during which time she said she hoped we could hang out, and i said no.. so now i get this email, and i want to know how to respond.. i'd love to give us another chance, but i know tahts not what she wants.. she just wants friendship... i think. here is the email.. Pete, So, I'm sitting here in the library studying and I was just thinking about how much I miss you. Some stupid sad song is playing and I was thinking about how I really miss talking to you and telling you about my life and hearing about whats going on with you. And maybe you won't believe me, but I really ache inside. I mean we were best friends and so much more for 4 years and we talked like everyday. Don't you feel an absense? Maybe this email is kinda strong but I don't want to lose the friendship we had and I feel like if you keep ignoring me like this its going to be hard to ever get back, you know. I'm almost done with school and about to leave and I wish that we could fix things before that happens.(she is in law school, will be gone for two and half months, and then will be back) I know that this decision is not up to me, but think about it ok? Hopefully, you miss me every once and awhile too. I thought that no matter what we promised each other that we would always have a special place for the other person. You told me that last year and I'm afraid that's not going to be the case. So please give this some thought. I'm not trying to give you any mixed messages ok? I just really miss you. - EX! so... i dunno what to tell her. any advice, please? thanks

thanks for all the advice.. means a lot to me.. i will definitely respond in a lot of detail, but in a few days, because i have my clinical exams in surgery wed/thur/fri this week... if i have time before then i'll drop you a PM, otherwise i will just respond as soon as i can. thanks for the advice.. its tough to hear, but prolly very true. good luck, you sound like you are getting better, and i think i am too.. not seeing her or talking to her really helps.. its been over four weeks now, which is four times longer than we ever went before.... she has called nad left a few dumb messages, but im getting my point accross to her that i need time to heal by just not calling back thanks again pete

wow, quincy, i read your response to my prevoius post, and your situation is eerily similar.. the way she acted towards you is just as wonderful as how my girlfriend acted towards me, and i too took her for granted, and woudl rather spend time with friends than with her after exams... and now im here with a ton of reget, thinking i messed up the most amazing thing that will ever happne to me because i was arrogant and took an amazing person for granted... and what is worse is that she calls me once a week becuase she feels bad for me, but i know she spends every night sleeping in bed with this other guy and falling more and more for him, and spending so much time with him... my question, though, is what do you think i should do.. should i hang out with her very so often in the hopes that she remembers the way i was and it plants the seed of doubt in her mind that im the one for her... because i know doing that will prolly hurt me in the short run because right after we hang out she'll leave to go hang out with her new boyfriend.. im assuming you are as close to her amily and friends as i am with my ex.. that also makes it hard... when they say they will miss you.. i almost want to always write them and keep in touch with them, but know that that is silly... anyway, i hope you are still reading this thread so we can somehow comminucate... i think it will help me a lot. thanks, pete

got broken up wtih by my girlfriend of four years, did about five months of grovelling and getting mixed signals because i hadnt found this site, and pushed her into the arms of this really nice, dorky guy who treats her well and was prolly just a welcome change from my begging and pleading.. i have lots of regret, but she's moved on and is dating this new, nice, smart guy and im sure willmost likely date him for a long time. so she keeps calling me about once a week and saying ridiculous things, and i can tell its more out of guilt than a desire to get back together.. she does miss me, but certainly just wants me as a friend. so she just sent me this email that says she's annoyed we dont talk, that she misses me (as a friend, its very obvious), and that she wants me to write back and tell her we can hang out again or to at least acknowledge her email and tell her i dont want to be her friend. getting back together with her in the future if she breaks up wtih this guy (which i dont foresee becaus they are both in law school together) is not out of the question.. do i respond, continue to avoid her attempts at contact (as i have been doing). and if i do write back, what do i possibly say that makes her think im moving on, not waiting, but still sorta interested if the tming was ever right. thanks pete

I dated a beautiful, smart girl while i was at college and during my first year and a half of med school, for basically 3.5 years.. then i needed space because i wasnt sure, we took a break, and she was depressed for 8 months and trying to get me back... the whole time she was sad she held me back from moving on, because i am the type of person that has trouble seeing poeple they care about hurt.. so even though i didnt want her, i didnt date this new girl i had met because i didnt want to hurt my ex. and my love for my ex didnt change, it was just that i wanted to make sure i wanted to marry her, and wasnt just dragging it all out. so then my ex starts law school, one block away from me, and immediately she changes.. she changes from the person she was, she sleeps with a guy she didnt know well, and this all drives me nuts.. when i act like my normal self she wants me back, but i become this lunatic, crazed, jealous person.. which is really not me... that has goen on for almost five months.. i keep getting pulled back in.. at first i think she was confused, and woudl call me whenever i woudl take a break from talking to her, but now things rae totally messed up, and she is through she is dating this real nice guy she met at school, and im sure he treats her great. i regret taking the break, i regret pushing her away the past five months.. im like a poster child for how to mess up a great thing. now all i can think about non stop is how beaitufilu she is, how smart and successful she is, and how i messed up. i have always done so well in school and honor everything i do, but this is affecting my school. its affecting my friendships because its all i think about. my parents are worried about me. my friends are worrieda bout me. i've gone from the most happy go lucky person int he world, as all my friends call me, into a total depression case. so how do you get over someone when you know you've messed it up beyond repair, and its raely over, and no contact isn't going to bring her back, but will just let her move on from you. im so sad, i love her wtih all my heart, and if i hadnt messed up i prolly woudl have ended up marrying her.... now, we prolly wont even be friends because she's found osmeone that im sure she'll date for a long long time. im depressed, this is ruining the wonderful life that i had. it seems liek it overshadows all the things that im doing that are importnat to me, like medicine, and i feel less healthy. i worry that i'll never find somene as great, because why would someoen that beautiful and that intelligent want me... thats how i truly feel, and worry that i'll regret this my whole life. i do get upset because in many ways i treated her so great last year when the situation was flipped, and i dindt live my life the way i wanted because i felt for her, and wanted to be there for her, and woudl hang out wtih her whenver she asked, and took her out for her birthday and when she was sad. adn now that she's finally found osmeone she liked, she immediately stopped calling me, and started terating me like the 20th most important person in her life... it was so unfair and unbalanced. but despite this, i think this is my fault, because if i ahdnt broken up wtih her in the first place and taken the break, she woudl be the same sweet, wonderufl girl that put me so high on a pedestal and would have done anything for me and to be wtih me. now she's like that wiht someone else. please please help. thanks pete

broke up wtih my gf of 4 years, and now im trying to move on.. took five montsh relaly letting go at all beause she was sending mixed signals, but then i'd act crazy and she'd push me away, only to pull me back in.. she told me two weeks ago that she was thinking of starting to date this guy, but wasnt sure, and would let me konw if she did... via email. i know, a weird situation. we also decided at that time that we were not going to talk anymore. so i didnt talk to her for a week, quite sure that she was hooking up wtih him. then she emialed me a week later (last thursday), saying we hadnt talked in a while, but it was a ridiculous email.. no substance at all.. just telling me how law school second semester was real hard.. i didnt respond, and we havent talked yet.. this is the longest we have ever gone wtihout talking over the past four and a half years.. its tough. heres my question.. i really want to know if she's dating this guy, but should it matter? i've done so much better (im still depressed, but not as bad) since we started not talking... but i always want to konw whats going on.... and plus, i have this horrilbe habit of signing on and looking to see whether or not my ex is on AIM at night, becasue i know she used to be on all the time.. so if she's not on at night i think she's wtih this guy, i know its a tough assumption to make, but on all other nights she used to be online till like 1 am, now she's never online late anymore... so how can i get myself to stop checking that, or should i really try to know whats going on because not knowing will keep me from moving on, and then i'll just be hit wtih the fact that she's been dating the guy for two months if she decides to tell me then... thanks PETE

some of you are familiar wtih my situation cause a few posts earlier this week, i jsut found this page, and it has been so great for me... thanks. i dated girl 3.5 years, broke up wtih her, then after nine months of her trying to get me back, i've turned into a crazy person trying to get her back for 5 months. i acted like a jealous lunatic because i thought she was with this mean guy that hooked up a lot, adn she did in fact hook up with him a few times, but then told me it was over. but i kept harping on it and acting crazy, and sure enough i found out yesterday she is dating a different guy, this really nice guy that she has always been friends with since starting law school six months ago, but who she had "no spark wtih" for the first five and a half months, until now. anyway, my question is this.. during the early part of our break that i intiated, i started to hook up wtih this one girl who is so sweet and so nice.. there is nothing wrong with her really except that she isn't my ex girlfriend! i didnt date her cause i was afraid of hurting my ex, which obviusly backfired... but anyway, this girl for osme reason is still in the picture.. and woudl date me... so my questoin is this... can a relatinoship wtiuh someone you are very close wtih and have a lot of history wtih work, when you are still very freshly getting over a broken heart....? i still have so many feelings for my ex, but time is running out for me to do anything wtih this new girl, who might be perfect... is there no way it will work? anyone have a similar situation that worked out? please give some advice thanks all pete 2002

just wondering if anyone else can tell me if this has ever happened to them... has anyone ever gone into a new relatoinship wtih someone new when they still had a TON of unresolved feelings for someone else, and then had that relationship work.. i dated a girl for 3.5 years, then broke up wtih her... then nine months later, after she had tried to get me back, i realiezd i wanted her back, at which time she had moved on.. five months and many mixed signals later, we are as far apart as possible... during the nine months i had broken up with her, there was a girl i was very interested in who i didnt date because i was afraid of hurting my ex.... that girl is still in the picture... do you think there is any chance a relationship wiht her could work, even though i obviusly have more feeilngs for my ex at this point... i cant wait too long, because this girl wont be around that much longer... thanks

long story short. dated 3.5 years. i broke up wtih her cause i wasnt sure. for nine moths she tried to get back together wtih me, and it freaked me out. we stayed very close, but didnt date. but i put off dating othres cause i wantd to make sure she was ok. after she came to law school, things changed, and now i've been trying to get back together with her for five months (she lives a block away).. but she is confused, and i have pusehd here away quite a bit with jealousy... now she has started sleeping wtih this guy who is kind of a crappy person and hooks up a lot and even has hooked up wtih her good friend. i cant keep myself from calling. i heard that she is sleeping over at this guys place almost every night, so i freka out, and i IM her and ask her to go to lunch.. can anything good ocme out of this. help please, what should i do.. should i call off lunch?

Guys, Thanks for all your advice in the past. I'm still struggling wtih a break up after 4 yeras.. i broke up with her for nine months at which time she tried to get back with me, and now its been the opposite for the past five months.. the only problem is that now she is really fed up wtih me, and i know she is sleeping with a guy that she goes to school with.. i know she sleeps over there like every day.... i cant bear this. i feel like im losing it, the thought of it makes me sick, it is on my mind all the time.. i knew she had sex with him once before, but that was just a hook up she told me, and meaningless.. but now that i know its an everyday thing, i cant bear it.. it ruins my thoughts.. i cant concentrate at work.. i dont konw what to do.. i check to see if she is online, and it burns me up inside to see her sign off at 10 pm instead of 1 am like usual, because i know where she is going... i feel like i can't make it through this. i have everything going for me, im going to be a doctor, i have great friends and family, but this soured reltaionship is killing me. i messed things up because earlier when i was trying to reconcile, she would call and say she missed me, and wanted to try to casually date, but id always act crazy and jealous, and i've pushed her totally away... and i was never a jealous person.. now im being eaten up inside.. what can i do thanks

Thank you ot everyon for their advice, it really means a lot to me, but its so hard for me to take the advice for two reasons.... first of all, i am having trouble dealing with regret.. i broke up with her, i waited a year when she was trying to be wtih me, and i just kept saying no and no and no, and now i want her back so badly that i cant help but thinking i might have messed everything up, and screwed up the plan of my life because i could have spent it with her.. and the second thing i cant deal with is the jealousy of knowing that she is going out and hanging out with other guys and hooking up wtih other guys and all that... it makes me feel kind of sick to my stomach... and so when i dont talk to her, i often end up calling afte ra while because i want to check up on her and see if she is dating somene else, and the only way i can find out is by calilng... pleae give me some advice, and thanks in advance.

Hi, I really really need help getting my life back into order, and I hope that someone can relate to my long drawn out story, becuase apparently all these feelings we all have that make us feel so alone seem so universal. I dated a beautiful girl for 3.5 years. We met in college, and spent most of college together. She is a wonderful person, but at some point last year things started to feel weird. I started to realize that having been wtih her for that long, i didn't have that feeling that i coudl spend the rest of my life wtih her.. somethign wasnt there even though i loved her more than anyone in the world, and even though she was like family to me. So we decided to take a break and to reevaluate. I'm a medical student, and last year she was taking a year off and living in our old college town. She was alone, living by herself, and didnt have many friends out there. So while I was trying to move on, and I kinda met a girl i sorta thought i liked, i couldnt let myself go to that new person because i still loved my ex. I couldnt stand to hurt her, and i didnt want to start a new relationship when my ex was so alone and depressed, because i didnt want to make her feel worse. So i kept telling the new person to hold on and wait, because i could not put upon my ex the troubles of dealing wtih me with someone else. my ex and i continued to talk almost on a daily basis last year after i broke up with her. Almost for nine months. It was just like we were dating and in love, but no hooking up. sometimes i got frustrated because she seemed to miss me a lot and i didnt really miss her as much, and i knew she was trying to get back together with me. but there was still a lot of feeling there... when i was studying for my board exams, and she was in europe, she called me once every day or two, and it was the highlight of my day... i got so happy to hear from her... and i know when she came back this year to start school she still wanted to be with me, but then.... So then this year she came to law school in the same area i am at med school, like a block away. We continued to talk, but as soon as she came to school things changed. I realized she didnt need me, and she went from wanting to talk to me all the time to just not caring as much anymore. Didnt come out for my brithday. Things like that. Then one day i found out through sneaky weird detective work taht she was into someone else, some guy who was sort of a bad person, who hooked up with her and another gilr the same day... pretty awful guy, kind of an arrogant player type, very different from me cause i am the typical nice guy. So immediately i dont konw what it was within me but i wanted her back. I remembered how beatiful she is, how smart she is, how she put me on this pedestal and made me feel so special. And the last five months has been a rollercoaster. I go a few days without calling her and its excruciating, then she calls me because she misses me so much, but then when we talk i realize she doesnt want to date... she says shes confused, that she knows im perfect, that she isn't with anyone else, but i know that she has hooked up wtih this other guy a lot and is into him even though he treats her bad and hooks up wtih other girls.. she tells me he is sketchy, that he disgusts her, her friends say he sucks, but its undeniable that she still wants him. And then im doing everything i can to have special evenings planned where we do things together, and we have fun, and i do all the little things to make her happy, but in the end she says she loves me but doesnt want to be wtih me. she says she doesnt want to cut all contact, tht she doesnt want to lose me as her best friend, but that she isnt sure. and all the while, the past five months, i've acted crazy so many times.. just not myself.. i've always been told i was born undre a lucky star, i hvae so many things going for me, great friends, family, a 22 yera odl in med school, but i just cant get this out of my head. whenever ive moved on she's called me and tried to have me enter her life again, but i think i've screwed things up so badly now that she wont even miss me because she prolly remembers crazy me over the last four months more than totally stable me over the first 3.5 years. im just so down and upset and i dont know how to rectify things and move on.. my friends i think are frustrated with me and the situation... and its starting to affect my school a lot too.... its taking over and then thers this other girl that i liked all last year but didnt act upon because of my ex, and she's still around, and for some reaosn woudl still be with me despite all the things that have gone down.. and this girl is wonderful too, just as out of my league as my ex, but i dont know what to do.. because time is slipping for me to act on that situation as well. i called my ex again yesterday after a week apart and we had ahorrible conversation, our worst ever, and i think she pretty much doesnt want to have anythign to do wtih me anymore. i asked her if she's hooking up with someone else or has hooked up, and she made it obvious that she has, but says its none of my business... is that true? part of me thinks it is, if im going to decide how much to move on or not. my quesiton is how to deal wtih jealousy and regret at the same time.. becuase i messed up, i brought this on myself, i messed up a wonderful thing with a beautiful person who i am intensely in love wtih, and she is with someone else and hooking up with other people and enjoying her life as a single person, which i didnt do last year because i was thinking about her. and also do i move on and try to be with that new person who is so great and coudl possibly be as big a part of my life as my ex eventually, if we just had that shared history. so needless to say im confused. i miss her and wish there was a quick fix for those of you who actually read all this, thanks for any advice.