slc333

It sounds like you don't really know what you want. I can totally understand how your current boyfriend could be jealous. I mean think about it. It sounds to me like you are trying to have your cake and eat it too. This kind of situation is always tough on any relationship. You say you want to be with your current boyfriend, but then you find the need to keep this other ex fully in the picture. Sometimes it's best to just move on. Or maybe try to take a break from both of them for awhile to figure out who you really want to be with. In the end, your wishy washiness could mess up things with both of them if you're not careful. I mean seriously. Why would you want to put yourself in the path of temptation on a regular basis with your ex if you think you're really serious about your current boyfriend? If you know your ex is not the one, do yourself and him a favor and make a clean break. Otherwise, he'll continue waiting around for you hoping. So if there is no chance for him, don't be cruel. Make it easy for him to move on. And yourself. I don't think you can really give your current/future relationship a true shot if you're constantly reminding yourself of the past with your ex. In the end, it doesn't sound like you're ready to devote yourself fully to one person. Not that this is necessarily a bad thing. Maybe just give yourself a break. Make some time for you to think about what you really do want.

Give me a break on the breaking her trust thing. She didn't take it like that. Nor should she. And I broached the subject in a very controlled straight forward manner. I'm not angry. Just puzzled. I can't help but feel a bit betrayed. When you're in a serious relationship, you don't expect your girlfriend to be telling other guys she loves them. And this guy was someone she had broken up with after dating for two months almost a year or more before she met me. Sorry. That isn't straight in my book. I mean, I feel comfortable that this guy is most likely out of her life, but if I had known about this at the time, who knows what would have happened. Who knows if they met during this time. Who knows? So now I get to live with that. Wondering if she's still in love with another guy. Wishing she had him instead of me. I don't know. It just complicates things for me. I mean, I'm not going around telling other girls I'm in love with them. I'm sure she would have questions if she stumbled accross some love letter I wrote to some girl. Y'all seem to be saying to disregard this like it is nothing. I wish it was that easy. trust is already a very fragile thing for me. This certainly does not help. Here I am thinking all is well and right with our world. Then I find that she was playing two sides of the fence. I don't know. I just don't like the way this feels.

Last night, my fiance inadvertantly left her email account open on our computer. I wasn't going to snoop, but I saw she had received some emails from a guy she used to date a couple of years ago. I could not resist the urge to look at these emails... so I did. Through my searching, I found a draft of an email she either sent, or was going to send to this guy back in what I think is October 2003. At that point, we had been dating 6 months and saying "I love you" etc. Anyway, the email said something to this effect "Hi, I got your message. It really meant a lot to me. I tried to respond but your box must have been full. LOVE, *****" So here were are engaged, and I read this old email to this ex that she wrote while we were supposedly in love. Anyway, I confronted her about it, and she acted like it was no big deal. Eventually she was crying saying that she loves me and only me. But I don't know. I know she hasn't had much contact with this guy in awhile now. I saw a couple old emails from him back in November - December. Anyway, I just feel a bit betrayed. She said that she does not remember typing the email. She did not look at it or read it last night after I saw this old email. Also, the draft does not have a year on it. It just said Oct 2nd. There was no mention of a year, so I guess it is possible it could have been an old, old email. But there were only like 2 saved drafts in her drafts box in Hotmail. And this was one of them. And shortly after this draft, I saw a small string of emails in her inbox from this guy in Nov. and Dec. Anybody have a take on this? I don't know how to react to this. I feel like this guy is probably in her past now, but it doesn't remove the fact that she was having this intiamte contact with this guy while we were supposedly involved. I'm just kind of confused. And I don't know if there is a way for me to fully know if this email was written last October, or a couple years ago before we met. You see, the email was a draft she was writing. I don't know if she sent it or not. Usually there is the sent information at the top of the email in Hotmail. So I don't know what to do. Any advice out there?

I'd be straight with her and tell her that it bothers you that she's having an ex-boyfriend come stay with her. That would bother just about any guy. Especially since you say this guy says he's still interested in her. That seems a bit disrespectful to me that she would have this ex stay in her house for a week. Maybe it's no big deal, but I know it would bother me too. Will she want you around during the time he is there? The good thing is this guy lives 1800 miles away. So maybe you can take his presense for a week. Easier said than done I know. Good luck.

I understand your plight like I said before. If he's done this on several occasions, there's a good chance it's not a coincidence. The thing you're describing happened once that i know of in my current relationship about a year ago. When it happened, I immediately told her how it made me feel. She felt a little bad about the way that it looked, and she's never done it since. We're now engaged as well. So there's hope. But, he needs to be willing to be aware of your feelings if you're going to have a long term relationship. It's important to tell him how you feel. If he thinks your feelings are ridiculous and unfounded, that doesn't seem 100% fair to me. He should at least consider the flip side if he were in your shoes. Just keep an open dialogue and give it a little bit of time. But if he continues to ignore your feelings and say he's going to do one thing and then does another, I say you can do better. That's only my opinion though. Good luck.

I'm a guy, and I have struggled with jealousy too. The one thing that gets me about your post is that he is telling you he's going to do one thing, then he goes and does another. In a serious relationship, there is no room for lying. I know how you are feeling because my current gf has done the same thing to me a couple of times. If someone lies to you, how are you supposed to trust them?!?! Anyway, it is important that you stand up for yourself in relationship to any lies that he tells you. That's just disrespectful in my book. And if he's lying to you, why wouldn't you question his motives. It's completely logical for you to feel betrayed if he tells you he's going to go to sleep but then decides to go out. That's totally disrespectful. You should talk to him, mainly about the lies ASAP. Just tell him to be straight with you, otherwise you can't trust him. He should be able to grasp this concept I hope. If he continues to lie about where he's going and what he's doing, it may be time to consider moving on. Nobody deserves to be lied to all the time. He sounds like he could be the kind of person that gets a power trip from making people jealous. He probably eats it up. So, maybe if you start ignoring him if he tries to make you jealous he'll get the message. Or give him a dose of his own medicine on the say one thing do another front. I'd consider that to be a last resort. Lying is not a constructive way to build a relationship. Hope this helps.

This does not sound like a normal relationship to me. Much less the appropriate thing for a fiancee to be doing. She sounds like she is being tremendously disrespectful. I would not stand for that type of treatment. You definitely need to talk to her. Let her know how you feel. Seeing a guy friend on occasion is probably not a big deal, but hanging out this much cannot be good. Stand up for yourself bro, before you waste anymore time on her. It may end up just fine. But you deserve to know what's going on and deserve to be treated with respect if she is your fiancee. Just be honest. Good luck! Sorry this is happening to you right now. But you WILL get through this!

Oh yeah. This guy is totally interested. Call me a bit old fashioned, but I'm not into my fiancee hanging out with other guys. In my book, if you are in a truly serious reltionship (ie. pondering marriage) then there is no room to have a serious guy friend on the side. However, if y'all are young and just dating around etc., then guy friends are to be expected. Me. I'm the kind of guy that wants an exclusive relationship. It also depends on the guy she sees too. If the guy seems like a cool, down to earth nice guy, then it shouldn't be a problem. But if he seems like a player, then ask her what her intentions are. Is this guy a new friend? Or is he an old boyfriend? Or has she always been friends with him? That's my take.

I say get rid of her. Who needs someone that is going to lie to you and disrespect you by flirting all the time. She sounds like she is not interested in a serious relationship if you ask me. If I were you, I'd move on. It won't be easy at first, but you'll find someone else better. Someone that does not disrespect you by flirting in front of you. And someone that does not lie. You probably deserve better.

I swear this is the same basic story with almost 75% of these posts. A girl doesn't understand why their boyfriend/husband gets jealous of a former boyfriend that they want to see. In my opinion, it is never a good idea to dredge up past relationships like this. Why is Jeremy moving 1500 miles to be in the same city with you? Coincidence? Probably not. You are involved in a serious relationship with Ian. Why do you need to have an ex boyfriend come back into your life? Why have you not made any new friends in your new city? Sure. It may be comforting to have an old ex boyfriend come back around. But be warned. You are playing with fire here. Don't be surprised if this all comes crashing down on you in a big way. I say get on with your new life with your husband and leave your old ex boyfriends behind. If Jeremy moves to town, it wouldn't hurt for you, your husband and jeremy to hang out very infrequently. But if you want your relationship with Ian to last, I'd forget about needing ex boyfriends around. That's a recipe for trouble. I guess it also depends on how often you're going to want to see Jeremy. Out of respect for your relationship with Ian, Jeremy should know better than to call you all the time and want to see you all the time. He's a guy. Believe me. He knows what this is doing to your boyfriend Ian most likely. If jeremy wants to hang out with BOTH of YOU every couple months, that shouldn't be a big deal. But if Jeremy is going to be your main outlet for friendship in that town, don't expect Ian, or any other guy to be okay with something like that. Good luck.

Maybe you should try finding a girlfriend you can talk to and have fun with. If you insist on hanging out with another guy, chatting on the Internet, etc., of course your boyfriend is going to be a little jealous. It doesn't take a genius to figure that out. You need to 1) Start making a few good friends of your own gender or 2) find a boyfriend that doesn't get jealous of you having a best friend that's a guy. Good luck on that one. Don't be naieve. It's okay to have some guy friends. But when you start having guys that are "best friends" and having a boyfriend at the same time, I know from experience that does not work. In my opinion, your boyfriend should be your best friend. Otherwise, there will always be jealousy. Think about it. It is impossible to grow a relationship with a boyfriend if you're constantly depending on support from another guy who is your supposed "bestfirend". Your relationship will go nowhere if you don't figure out how to let one of them go at least a little bit. Otherwise, you'll drive yourself and everyone else involved crazy.

That's definitely a tough one. I would not be comfortbale with that. Why didn't he ask you to go with him if he misses you so bad? That brings up warning signs if you ask me. I'm a guy, and I would not expect any girlfriend to be okay with that. I wouldn't even try that! Did you brush him off about him wanting to be exclusive? Or did you act indifferent? He may be trying to make you jealous if you're being wishy washy with him about making a commitment. I understand your hesitation. I mean who really wants a flirtatious partner? Most people don't. There's not much you really can do at this point. You just need to decide if you want to deal with this if it continues to happen. I'd talk to him I suppose. Or you could play it cool and keep your distance. But yes. I'd say this is not a normal thing for most relationships. I think it is rather disrespectful myself, and I'm not even old fashioned. Good luck

I'm not sure if this is a total jealousy question. But I know jealousy is at least a part of it. My girlfriend of almost a year has a somewhat overbearing brother. Since we've dated, she'll hang out with her brother anywhere from 2-4 nights every week. I like her brother fine, but there's something that just isn't right about their relationship. He is very controlling and that in turn sparks the same feelings from me. He always wants her to hang out with him and his guy friends. It really is no fun for me at all when her brother and this one friend of his inparticular come around. The brother is cool by himself, but with this other guy, he's a real jerk. Her brother and this guy met up with us and some friends the other night, and neither one of them said a word to me. On top of that, the brother's friend is a total jerk. He flirts pretty blatantly with my girlfriend and is just overall totally disrespectful. And he's not really the kind of person I'd ever hang out with anyway. Inconsiderate. Annoying. Cocky. I don't want to be around this guy ever again honestly. And it's her brother's best friend. How can I handle this potentially sticky situation. Ideally, it would be great if her brother wasn't always trying to hang out. On top of that, this loser friend of his totally drives me crazy. My girlfriend's brother really doesn't have many friends in town to begin with. Mainly just this one annoying guy. So he seems to rely on my girlfriend for his social outlet not to mention the fact that her brother has never had a girlfriend and he's 26. So he sees her almost as his girlfriend if you ask me. Sometimes the situation isn't too bad, but sometimes it drives me nuts. Does any of this make any sense? I dream of the day her brother moves away or something. What can I do? I don't want to be around her brother's friends anymore, but her brother and her are so close, it just seems that may be a problem.

Hi I think that watching a hot woman on TV is just fine as long as he's not rubbing your face in it. You know. Saying "Wow, she's gorgeous. I wish you looked like her." OR "She's way better looking than you." Or "So and so) looks just like her and she's totally hot." Things like that are disrepectful I think. But in general, admiring a girl on TV shouldn't bother you. There's no way in hell your boyfriend would have a chance in hell of getting her. So no worries. Flirting in front of your partner is very disrespectful I think. There's nothing wrong with glancing at someone, or admiring someone with a glance. But if he is staring, and can't take his eyes off someone. And then he goes and talks to them flirting and casually touching. That is not appropriate in a "serious" relationship. Anyone who thinks that is appropriate has a lot to learn. A casual glance or two is fine though I think. But it should be left at that if you don't know the person. If he flirts with girls he knows, that's a little less cut and dry. Again, it's not appropriate for him to ogle and stare at a girl he knows. That would make anyone feel uncomfortable. All right. Those are my thoughts.

Brando Yeah. You've hit some of this right on the head. She doesn't sound like she's as much of a drama queen as your girlfriend was though. She definitely does some drama queen things. And the statements about her thinking that this adds spice, and that she is confident I won't leave are probably true. It seems like most normal girls would love to know that their boyfriend loves them and doesn't want to leave them. I didn't think she would turn it around on me. Anyway, I'm trying to decide whether or not I want to wait for her to do one of her big flirty scenes or not before I tell her how it makes me feel. The one from this past weekend is still fresh in my mind. And I have been pretty distant from her this week. Not being the typically super nice boyfriend that I have been. Because that is truly what I'm feeling - distant from her. And she knows it too. I can see her getting a little worried. I don't know if I should be fighting the feeling of trying to talk with her about how her sporadic over-flirtatious behavior makes me feel or if I should just tell her what I'm thinking. I do know that I am pretty tired of all this. And have a real sense of apathy creeping in. And I had in my mind for awhile that I would like to marry this girl. But I'm seeing a bit more clearly the things that people have pointed out to me on this post. She is clearly not ready for any sort of commitment I think. It's tough though because she is so great 85-90% of the time. It's just that extra 10% that really drives me crazy and keeps our relationship from growing. So my question to anyone reading is - Should I talk to her now or wait for this to happen again?

JSHRN Thanks for the words. Like I said before, I know she's insecure. And I think she gets a real ego boost from flirting with guys and getting positive responses back. This doesn't happen all the time, but often enough to make me feel a little less confident about us. My big question is where do I go from here. I don't know if I could really end it with her. Because I am in love with her, and I do need her. Do I confront her and say we're through unless you start giving me the respect I deserve? I think there's some truth to her feeling VERY comfortable in our relationship. Because to me, I thought you were supposed to make your girlfriend feel comfortable in a serious relationship. I have given her no reason to doubt my love for her. I treat her like a queen, and she treats me well for the most part. Except for the occasional bizarre flirting stuff. How do I bring up these things? How do I say are you bored with this relationship? Should I just say I need some space for a week or so and see what happens? I'm so bad at relationship stuff. I think I become too focused on pleasing the other person involved that I lose sight of myself. I'm afraid to break up though because I don't want to lose her. But maybe that would be the wake up call she needs. To see that I might go away. any thoughts? thanks for all the great input so far!

brando Yeah. I've been very close to ending it with her. I do love her though. And I do think she loves me. Because 90% of the time our relationship is great. But every once in awhile something like this happens and I don't know how to react other than angry. Soon after, she is always saying things like "Don't leave me". "Please say you'll never leave me". And she'll start crying. And I always melt. I'm so good to her, it just makes me angry that she can't just drop the games. Maybe I should break up with her. I'm going to try and pretend the things she does don't bother me anymore and see if that ends the games. The problem is that I'm fairly new to this town and don't really know any other girls. I'd love to give her a big dose of her own medicine. Thanks for your take though. Any more words would be appreciated. Any more advice out there? Thanks

Is flirting considered appropriate in a serious relationship? At what point is it considered inconsiderate and disrespectful to a partner? Is all flirting okay as long as it doesn't lead to anything? I would like to hear some opinions on flirting in general and the flirting my girlfriend acts out in our relationship. Some of it I don't mind. Some of it bothers me very much. Quick background. We've been dating almost a year and have begun talking about moving in together and getting married. We have a little age difference. I just turned 29. She's 23 and been out of college a good year or so. I got done with my schooling 2 years ago. The other night, we were at a party. We were having a great time. Everything was great. Later on that night, a guy that my girlfriend used to work with showed up. Once he got there, she got visibly excited. She wouldn't stop looking at the guy. She got up to go to the restroom, and when she came back, she seemed to try and get me to move over so she could sit next to him. She sat down where she was before she got up. And the weird thing is they never said anything to each other but they just kept staring at each other. It made me really uncomfortable. At one point, she even said something like, don't you want anymore beer and held up and shook an empty glass? The keg was outside, so I took it like she was wanting me to get up and go get a beer so she could talk to this guy. I was done drinking so I just kind of looked at her funny - confused by her meaning. The guy got up and went outside eventually. Then of course she wanted to go outside with me. We got out there and everyone was standing around a bonfire. She kept looking at the guy and hanging out in his line of sight to see if he would look at her. She would look at him and then look away if he looked. At this point I had had it, so I just walked away from her. Then she acted all hurt and told me to come back. I confronted her about this later asking her why she was staring at this guy and in essense flirting with him. She said that she wasn't staring at him and denied the whole thing. I asked her what the deal was with him and she said he had asked her out before I met her. She turned him down. She then told me about another guy we saw out one night that I remembered her flirting with. She said he had asked her out too and she turned him down. She then started talking about the guy from the party saying she didn't like him. She just likes talking to him. But then she started saying things like he grew his hair out and it looked cute, and he looks like Chris O'donnel. At this point, I'm just bewildered. Why is she acting like this? How should I handle this? Is she just being totally immature and insecure? Am I being totally insecure? I'm biased but that whole scene seemed really bizarre to me. She will periodically do things like this. She has way more guy friends than girl friends. And for the most part she flirts pretty heavily with all of the guy friends from time to time. To me, it seems that she is very insecure and hangs around a lot of guys to build her confidence up. She usually flirts with them and seems to be trying to get them to like her. I could tell more stories. Sometimes it doesn't bother me, sometimes it does. She says she's insecure. Obviously I know this. And I am a little insecure too when she starts being so blatant. But it doesn't change the fact that these type instances make me lose a little confidence in our relationship. I can't help but get mad and confused sometimes when she does these things. How do I go about handling this? Please help. If she continues this, I see myself breaking up with her. Should I tell her that? I need some advice.

Well, if that is true that you don't hang out with lots of males anymore (as you shouldn't if yoou're married), than you're right, his being jealous of "guy friends" would not apply here. There could still be something that you may not realize that makes him jealous. It doesn't sound like it, but keep an eye on it. I would still recommend letting him know that his flirtatiousness is making you jealous. Otherwise, how can you expect him to really undertsand what you are feeling? Talk to him and see if it changes at all. I think excessive flirting by a companion is extremely disrespectful. I mean a little innocent flirting is no big deal. But when it's out of hand, it's totally inconsiderate. If he says that's just the way he is, then it may be difficult to ever see a change. But hopefully once he understands how that makes you feel, he will be willing to work on or change his behavior.

It sounds like he may be pretty insecure if you ask me. If he feels the need to make you jealous all the time, that's a sign of immaturity and insecurity in the relationship. You did say you only have male friends. This could be the source of his insecurity and need to make you jealous. While you having mainly male friends may seem like nothing to you, believe me, it's a big turn off for most guys. And if you throw out the excuse that you're so beautiful that all girls hate you - well that's just going to fuel feelings of resentment on any guy's part. He may be acting out his frustration with that. He may not want you to know that the things you do make him jealous. But from the things you're saying, it sounds like he has a jealous streak in him that you may be hitting on. You may need to examine why it really is that you only seem to have male friends. You being so beautiful that girls are jealous of you is a pretty ridiculous statement. If you have an overwhelming need to receive lots of additional male attention besides your husband, this is most definitely causing him lots of pain. It's okay for girls to have guy friends, but just be sure you have guy friends for the right reasons. If he sees you hanging out with your guy friends all the time and sees them looking at you and flirting with you, this will drive any guy crazy. You probably like having guy friends because it is a confidence builder for you. And it sounds like you need this excessive male attention for reasons of insecurity on your own part. So think about that for a bit to see if any of that could apply to you. I may be way off with my assessment. But if you think it may apply a little, you two should sit down and have a frank discussion about the jealousy you both feel. Just sit down and have a serious talk with him to see if you have been making him jealous at all. And also tell him that the way he flirts with girls makes you jealous. I have a girlfriend that is very flirty, so I know what you're going through. I don't want to intentionally make her jealous either. I hope this helps. I am obviously making a few leaps here that may or may not apply to you. Good luck

Very well put heart. I agree totally with your statement and parts of some of the other statements. It sounds to me like the person that posted this is is pretty naive. If this guy is looking for a serious relationship then you need to have a talk. It sounds like you may not be ready for something really committed like he might be looking for. If this is the case, you should let him know now before it goes any further. It's just how it is. You will always have trouble trying to find an un-jealous boyfriend if you are constantly hanging out with other guys all the time. Especially if you also happen to be very flirty. That's just how it is. Maybe one day you'll find a guy that makes you forget about all the other guys you need so much extra attention from. Take heart's advice. Try to look at it from his point of view instead of your own all the time. Are you a big flirt? Are you always hanging out with these other guys? Why do you need so much attention from these other guys? Are you not admitting that there may be some sort of spark with a few of them that you don't want to let go of? Everybody loves attention. But if you are in constant need of attention from lots of guys, good luck trying to find any guy to put up with that. Switch it around and I guarantee you'd feel at least a little bit of what he's feeling. If you truly need to have all these guy friends, then you truly need to find someone that will be 100% cool with it. Which in the end might mean dating one of these guys that's already in your big circle of guy friends.

Hey. Thanks for the replies. I have sat down with her to talk about her brother. She acknowledges that he is in the wrong here. So I appreciate that, but it still hasn't changed much. He calls her almost every night trying to get her to go out with him. After 9 months you'd think he'd be asking us to both come along. But it's usually something where she'll say, my brother wants to do this, do you want to go with me? I like her brother okay. And I have tried to be his friend. He's just hard to figure out. He's 26 and he's never had a girlfriend. He seems to get all his female attention from his sister. That just doesn't seem healthy for him or her if you ask me. I'm not trying to steal her away from her brother, but if our relationship is going to work, I am going to need to know that I am of a high priority in her life. I want to be a part of her family. I want our relationship to grow. She says that I am important to her and that she needs me. We've talked about moving in together. We've talked about getting married. But she seems caught up in trying to please too many people. She tries so hard to meet her brother's demands. I don't demand. But she'll go a few days focusing on pleasing me. But nothing ever really seems to change. I'm trying to be patient. Maybe I'm asking too much.

I have been dating a girl for about 9 months. Her brother lives in the same town and they have an unusually close relationship. When we started dating, they would hang out 3-4 times every week. I don't mind that they hang out, it's just he always has these other single guys he brings along. I know he does not like the fact that she spends so much time with me. He's said things to their parents like "She never hangs out with her friends anymore." And he tells her that she's changed since she met me. I've told her that it makes me fee a little weird when she goes out with her brother and then all these other guys show up. She'll say that she and her brother are going to hang out, so to me that means her and her brother. But more times than not these other guys show up. And now this winter, her brother bought her a snowboarding pass and they make plans to go about twice a week. Sometimes other guys are there, sometimes they're not. She invites me along, but I really don't want to go. I'm just getting tired of her hanging with her brother so often. And her brother seemingly trying to get in the way of our relationship. So I need some advice on that. I'm tired of having the same conversations with her about hanging out with her brother's single friends. I always feel like if I choose to not see her one night, she'll just go hang out with these other guys. I want to give her a dose of her own medicine, but I'm fairly new to this town and don't have any girls that are friends. I can't very well start trying to make all these new girlfriends without her getting suspicious. Anyway. Advice would be good.