lostandhurt

Read my signature below. It has helped me stay focused on what really matters and what I can control in my life. I read it often and have it framed sitting on my dresser. You are doing just fine so relax and be the guy she fell in love with but just more secure. Lost

So I have been very fortunate to date women that are very attractive, still not sure why but that is another story... My now ex wife worked at a retail store in the men's clothing department, then she worked at an auto parts store as a cashier, then a receptionist at a gym. Needless to say there was a constant stream of men hitting on her everyday. I knew what was going on because hey I am a man but she never threw it in my face that this guy or that guy was trying to chat her up or get with her. Knowing what you can control and what you cannot control is key in all this. I couldn't run around trying to shoo these dudes away or try and fight them all so I had to accept that she chose to be with me as I chose to be with her and if she allowed one of these guys to get close it was her choice and not something I did. There have been several other women I had no business being with that turned heads way more than my ex wife and a few times guys would disrespect me and try and chat them up with me there. I am a pretty confident guy so I would just smile and look to her and let her handle the jerk. This turned out to be the best thing ever because I saw what they did when I wasn't around. Your girl is hit on or chatted up but she handles it no matter what city she is in right? Let her handle her business. I am not saying your feelings are not valid and I had them too but letting go of the feeling you can somehow control what happens when you two are apart is a gift for yourself. Stay busy, don't pester her on vacation and let her be the girl you love. I know you trust her but don't trust other men but remember it takes two to tango and she will shut them down because she loves you and wouldn't hurt you. Lost

Here is a word I want you to think about frequently. BALANCE Having balance in your life is really the key to joy and happiness. Once you have happiness in your soul then life is so much more enjoyable no matter what might be happening at the moment. Balance your efforts towards goals with living a good life is important. Goals are important but they are just milestones along your path. You have accomplished a lot at a young age and even though you were driven by anger and the "I will show you" mentality it served you well. Now you are free to choose but this isn't just about you any longer. What dreams do you AND your husband have? Having shared dreams/goals brings couples together as they strive towards them but it is important for each of you to have individual goals/ aspirations as well. Figuring these out or at least a path will help you so much. Don't get too caught up in trying to come up with the perfect plan, just get started in that direction and let it come to you as time goes on. You have to be able to pivot once in a while as life changes come along. You reached your goals fast and then you were like "Now What?" Well new goals and dreams is now what. You are doing great as you are aware and reflective, not ignoring it but asking questions. Good on you

It is just a meet so don't overthink it. Meet him in a public place that is safe and see what happens. If you hit it off great, then you can deal with dating his friend a while back. If it is a dud then nothing to deal with. If it does go well and you see him more just let the dating/friendship connection come out naturally. I have a feeling he saw you on your ex's feed when you were dating and liked what he saw so he waited a while and then reached out on IG. This may turn out to be one of those funny how we met stories. Lost

Excellent! There are motivational speakers, books, podcasts, seminars and all sorts of resources out there but in the end it all comes back to you. I have a great sense of accomplishment kind of feeling when I complete a task. Sometimes complex sometimes mundane but feels good to me to check it off my list. Do you have goals? Life goals? Career goals? Are you working towards anything that is important to you? Lost

We are all our own worst critics and it doesn't matter what age you are. Please don't be in a hurry for anything other than enjoying your life right now and let the future be what it will be. You sound smart and reflective which is really good. You are not who you will be when you turn 14, 15, 16 and on and on. We all grow and change and we all have felt like you are feeling, even adults feel like you all the time (just read some threads on here) so don't think everyone else has it all together because they don't. As far as your crush goes ignore his friend and focus on making it easier for your crush to get to know you or hang out with you. Guys can be idiots when it comes to stuff like this so laugh at his jokes (as long as he is not being hurtful to others) smile when you catch his eye and ask him stuff about himself. Guys that age are trying to look cool or important or smart so remember that. Here is a little secret to always remember: Boys or men can be just as scared and unsure as girls or women and most of the time way more so. I am a pretty confident man and I second guess myself or chicken out talking to women still to this day sometimes. Don't decide for him if he likes likes you or not, let him decide. Surround yourself with friends that care about you, build you up and support you like you do for them and these rough days will not feel so tragic I promise. Lost

Time to put your cards on the table with him. Give him a chance to straighten out his emotional state before it ruins everything. This will not be easy but if not you who? You have more to lose than he does in all this. If he freaks out and the police are called to the house both ex's will know and then what? If you searched this site you will find tons of people that are in love with someone abusing drugs for all kinds of reasons and don't want to leave them because they are afraid of what might happen. Most of the time they fail to see what will happen if they stay. He may care for you deeply, he may love you more than anyone has ever loved you but that does not diminish his drug addiction. He isn't using to feel good for a while, he is using to survive and stay upright. That is addiction. I will not badger you about your responsibility to your children or their safety as I am sure you are a good mother but I will remind you that you cannot save him, he has to save himself. Sit down with him and tell him in no uncertain terms that using drugs is not the solution and will be the end of the relationship if he does not seek professional help right away. He has a choice, drugs or the family. Lost

There is a huge difference between what you WANT to do and what you HAVE to do. I never thought in a million years I could tread water for 7 hours straight until one day I HAD to. When you were younger you felt like you HAD to do all the things you needed to do because they were life or death to you, pure survival but now you are comfortable and it is what you want to do. You simply have a choice. Self motivation and I mean pure self motivation without any outside stimulus is a wonderful trait that some are born with and others learn and master. This is where you are now. You know you can do it but you simply choose to put it off, distract yourself with other things or drag your feet. We get paid for work because it isn't something we would choose to do 5 days a week every week. Not all assignments will be exciting or challenging but you have a responsibility to your employer and possibly your work team. Working from home or freestyle employment is not for everyone just like online classes aren't for everyone. My son for example needs the structure of the classroom, labs and lectures to keep him focused on the task at hand and his goal. There are far to many distractions in our lives and it is easy to wonder off the path and waste hours and hours. I have known many where their jobs were their lives and I would often tell them "I work to live, not live to work" What are you passionate about? (non work related) Lost

So I read your other threads about this relationship. Both divorced out of long marriages, been together about 2 years, living together fairly recently and both have children you share with your ex's. Your children are in same home as someone using drugs to escape the reality of life. Since he had such an uncommonly passionate relationship with his ex and from what you wrote my not be over her and the drugs are to cope with what a lot of us deal with daily this sounds like a very serious issue. If his ex finds out he is using she will use it against him in the custody battle. If your ex finds out you are living with an addict he will rightfully so not want his children in the same home. I encourage you to go back and read your own words from your other threads. You have more doubts than you are letting on and things are not as rosy as you want them to be. You may have a wonderful connection with him the likes you never thought possible but when red and orange flags start popping up all over the place it is time to pay attention. Lost

This sucks but it is better to have it happen now than after you are married. DON'T BE A DOORMAT!!! I totally agree with above that you should not be okay with her getting ready to go out with "friends" and staying the night in a hotel while you sit at home waiting and wondering what she is up to or what the pilot has talked her into. Time to decide. What you are describing is your gf taking some space to test drive other men to see if she wants to upgrade from you or not. Are you seriously okay with that? I know you don't want to lose her but giving her a hall pass will make you look less attractive, weak and meek. She basically has nothing to lose with you back home as her security net. No matter what happens she can always fall back to you. Is that what you want? To be plan B or C? If she wants to explore then it needs to be a clean break. No supporting each other, no rides home from the club or bar, no picking up the pieces after the pilot bangs her and brags to everyone about it. She has gf's to cry to about that, you know the same ones telling her to dump you to go have fun while she is young. There is caring and loving someone and then there is being used by someone. She is using you as a safety net while she "figures things out" I think it is time you need to figure things out as well. Like boundaries and self respect. Lost PS Another man IS involved, not MAY be involved. He wants to bang your gf and she knows it and so do you.

You may think your life revolves around her but it doesn't. She has manipulated you for so long you think this is the way it is but in reality once you are away from her for a while you will feel much better. Think of her like a drug and you are an addict. The addict thinks they cannot live without the drug because when they are not high they start to feel sick so they get high again and again until one day they hit rock bottom. You are way stronger than you give yourself credit for and remember this: You were fine before you met her so you will be just fine after she is out of your life. Find something to occupy your thoughts as you detox from her. Go for walks, work out, ride your bike but do something other than sit around feeling bad. It will take time to get her out of your system so stay strong and start building yourself back up. Lost

This is where you and everyone can be guilty of trying to see the future. Yes what she said means you are going as friends but is that where this will end up? Who knows. She seems like she is in no hurry to meet anyone and many and I mean a great many older women state they want friendship first. Look at it this way. Having a female friend you enjoy talking to for hours is a good thing right? Also women have women friends so fix ups or meeting her friends in the future could lead to something as well. Her statement takes the pressure off so hit her up for a day she is free to go into the city and then make some plans. Keep it simple, keep it fun and let the future surprise you instead of trying to control it. Lost

Reading all your replies I see it clearly now. You are realizing that he is willing to have sex with you but doesn't want to be seen with you. He is into women with nice slender and in shape bodies which does not describe you so it increases your feelings. I think this is more of a F buddy type of thing than actual friends with benefits. He is just nice enough to you so he gets to keep banging you but nothing more. On the flip side you have an extremely harsh view of all men, your fwb included so why are you confused by what he said? According to you all men lie to get sex so just assume he lied to keep having sex with you and move on from it. He is being who you think he is, a guy that lies to get sex from you. Pretty simple actually from your stand point. You seem very bitter and I hope that improves for you. I assume some man has hurt you badly in the past to get you to this place. Not all men are "dating" just to get sex, many like myself would like to meet an honest genuine woman we are attracted to so we can share our lives together. Perhaps one day you will take down the wall you have built to protect yourself from being hurt and take a chance on another human being. Lost

You need to distance yourself from anyone that drags you down and makes you feel worthless. Read your own words. There is no pleasing her no matter what you do. I am sorry but it is time for you to end the relationship before it does more damage to you. Being single and alone is way better than this. Once you have been single for a while and get your feet back under you it will feel so much better. In time you will see just how toxic she was to your own mental health. You need to save yourself and dump her. Lost

So you are on a "Dating App" to alleviate boredom but the men you will be going on dates with are on there to meet someone interested in more than keeping you entertained. Using others to cover up or distract yourself from your own problems is wrong and hurtful. Why would you want to do that? Just because other women do it? Other women do all kinds of stuff but it doesn't make it okay. Why don't you want a real relationship? You know one where you go on dates, care for each other, are intimate, share your lives and maybe even build a life together. Seems silly to use one man for sex and other men for dates. Lost

Remove the gender from all this and what do you have? You have a spouse that wants to go have sex outside of the marriage and wants you to be okay with it. Extremely selfish and hurtful. What if she came to you one day and said "There is this new guy at work and I think I might be into him so I want to take him for a test drive to see if I prefer him to you" "I will be gone all weekend having sex with him and will let you know if you are in or out when I return" How would you react? Would you agree to it? This is exactly the same thing she is doing. I hate to say this but she has totally checked out emotionally from you and the family. She only cares about what she wants and could give a crap how you feel. You don't want to lose her but what you need to see and accept is that she is not the woman you married, she is this new person that has both feet out the door and isn't looking back. Why try and keep that woman??? It sucks but you have to step back and see this clearly. While she is gone I would make copies and save copies of all the financial information, life insurance info and anything else you may need to know if you are not in the house anymore. I would also at least do some research on divorce at your counties website. Knowledge is power. Lost

Stick a pin in it and send him a simple text. "It was nice seeing you again but this isn't working for me, best wishes _________" This is more for you than him. If you run into him again or he keeps liking your IG you can just ignore him. I agree he has something going on with someone else. Married or gf or whatever but something. If you think about it you are perfect for a guy like this since you work late at night and sleep during the day. Probably the opposite of his other woman. Plus who turns their phone off that much??? Hey you gave it another shot but he turned out to be the same guy you dumped the first time. Lost

Good for you! You are doing great so don't let some imagined time schedule steer you to do something that doesn't feel right. Sounds like you are into her a lot and she likes you a lot so don't rush it with labels please. If she is into you she isn't going anywhere so asking her to be your gf to lock her down is the wrong path here. Also asking her to speed up the physical stuff is the wrong path as well. Holding hands isn't that huge of a deal. While you are walking at the zoo (good call btw on a date choice) just hold out your hand palm up as to invite her to take it, if she is okay with it she will smile and take your hand. If not you will know right away. She will take it and be glad to hold your hand from what you have written. Don't hang on for dear life either, just be comfortable. There is no need to hold hands all the time either. I agree you should greet her with a hug but not a hug like you give your aunt. Hold her a little tighter and if she has perfume on tell her she smells wonderful. Don't hold the hug to long but longer than you would normally. The kiss will come at the end of the date more than likely or during while you are sitting talking. Pay attention to what she says and ask questions about the topic she is talking about. Ask questions about her and her life, family and friends. Show a genuine interest in her. Be funny but not a jerk. No making fun of other people but be playful and funny. Leaning in for a kiss is easy compared to when to do it. Hard to explain but you will know, just don't force it. Have fun at the zoo and reduce the texting a little by talking on the phone. Yes I know it is old fashioned but next time she is texting just reply "I would love to hear your voice instead of texting, do you have time to talk?" See what she says. Let us know how it goes and relax she likes you Lost

If you are sincere about your interest in what ever the activity is then meeting someone with similar interests is a lot higher than OLD or a club so it is a good thing there. I agree if your sole purpose is to him on singles then it won't take long before you are labeled as such and possibly ruin your chances with someone. Church is no different right? Even volunteering. Lost

So he is broke as a joke, frazzled and still connected with his ex through these investments. This guy has no business dating anyone!!! This is my number one pet peeve about dating. People or their lives are a mess so they go on dates to make themselves feel better but it is at someone else's expense. In this case it was literally at YOUR expense. Hapless people see them and think "Oh he is cute" so they go on a date or talk on the phone and convince themselves even though their life is a mess or whatever that they should give them a shot. Don't get me wrong I think grace is a wonderful quality but it needs to be done with eyes wide open. I think you went into this with good intentions but failed to see what was right in front of you. Usually happens to guys with super hot women. Our common sense and IQ drops so low it is a wonder we can form a sentence let alone see that she is bad news. I have been guilty of it more than a few times so don't feel bad. Basically he told you who he was and his life situation but you chose to focus only on the positives. Hard worker, not a quitter and attractive. A stand up person wouldn't drag someone else into their mess. Lost PS There is no "NORMAL" in dating life. Just a bunch of life lessons as you search for the one that is right for you.

Paralysis by analysis strikes again. Make the move but since so much time has transpired you need to be clear with her or she might think you are inviting her as a friend. Just say I really like you and enjoy our time together and wanted to know if you would like to go out on a date with me? I know it would be great if women gave us undeniable proof that they are interested or will say yes but that isn't real life is it? You have to take the chance and ask. No matter what happens or what she says it will not be fatal so suck it up and be brave. Let us know how it goes and good luck Lost

Kind and caring honesty is the best approach. You were single for a long time and now after dating him you have realized you are a lesbian. How do you think he will take it? I am a guy and I would jump right to "I somehow screwed up so badly she is switching teams" Of course this isn't true but he will search for a reason or something he did so he can fix it so be clear with him up front BEFORE you break the news to him. "____________, these last 8 months have shown me just how wonderful of a man you are but it has also made me realize that I am not meant to be in relationships with men, I think I am a lesbian." "You are everything I could have hoped for and what I thought was missing in my life but now that I have met the perfect guy I know it isn't what has been eating at me for years" "I am so sorry we cannot be together and I wish I had figured this out before we met and started dating as it kills me to hurt you." Be clear there is no one else you are interested in, be clear he did absolutely nothing wrong and phrase it like I did so you say you are not meant to be with men instead of making it personal like "I cannot be with you" Make the general statement means it isn't him it is all men. This is going to be hard no matter how you phrase it so make it a private conversation with plenty of time for tears and questions as he struggles through the shock and disbelief. Lost

What did you do wrong that could have stopped what happened? NOTHING!!! You were open, genuine and honest, he was not. The only thing you didn't do so well is allow time to see things clearly. Time is your friend in these situations where the real people rise to the surface and allows both parties to float back to earth after the rush of meeting and hitting it off so well. Red flags are red flags and we have all been guilty of looking the other way because we want it to work. Lesson learned right? What was going on is he was still actively dating while you were not. He was still pursuing other women at the same time and someone new or more interesting or more attractive to him came along and he pivoted to her. His true colors eventually became clear to you at the end. He could have sent a simple text letting you know he met someone else but he probably wanted to keep you on a string just in case the new woman didn't work out. Heck you may have replaced his last dating interest. This is who he is so instead of feeling bad that it didn't work out be happy you found out so soon. You could have dated him for months thinking you were exclusive and he was devoted to the relationship only to find out he was playing the field the whole time. It sucks to feel the rush and be happy you finally met someone so you can stop the dating merry go round and then have it all fall apart in mere hours. Don't beat yourself up over this but definitely learn from it. Lost

You are asking the right questions which is all very good. Don't be afraid of discussing these concerns with her. If this is destined to survive talking about feelings and concerns will only make things stronger between you two not weaker. Some people avoid the awkward or difficult topics thinking if they bring it up it could cause the end of the relationship which is actually just the opposite. Just tell her you really like her but you don't want to end up hurt because she is rebounding. See what she says. No rush in meeting her child, in fact that is a pretty big deal so let her decide when that happens and how it goes down. Lost

Think back to your life before you came out. Is this where he is? Is he saying he is not gay as an excuse to keep this casual like a FWB thing? In the end it isn't healthy for you to want to be friends with him because it will just prolong your healing. So you are friends and he starts dating some guy and they become a couple for the world to see. That would crush you wouldn't it? People keep ex's around as a safety net and to keep hope alive that one day it will all work out. Not a good idea no matter who you are. They are ex's for a reason and he will be your ex because he doesn't want what you want. Time to move on and find someone that is on the same page as you are. In the hetero world it is the same thing. If two people aren't on the same page of what they want it just will not work out long term. You did the right thing cutting him loose, now make it permanent for your own sake. Lost