jp74

I suggested her exploring because I do not want my wife to feel she needs to hide feelings from me. I have always suspected she was attracted to other girls. Since it never went beyond kissing and fooling around, and her telling me it was just a phase, this question kind of went away - or at least went invisible - until now. I am not encouraging her to hook up with her close friend. That's the part that terrifies me. It is the ongoing emotional connection they probably will always have as friends - now turning sexual - that will forever have me second guessing their relationship going forward.

My wife and I have been married for 12 years. We have 2 kids. The last few years has seen a significant emotional distance growing between us. There has been no intimacy for a long time. We've been sleeping separately and have not had sex in years. Neither of us have made it a priority and it seemed we were content working to raise our children and being happy enough raising a family together. Kicking the can down the road so to speak hoping that someday, somehow it would change. It hasn't. My story is a bit long and involved. Please bear with me. To give some context my wife has always had attraction to other women. In the beginning of our relationship we talked about it and she said it was a "phase". She has made comments like "all women are bi-curious to some degree". As vague as this comment was I didn't think too much about it as I feel a lot of women explore these feelings as they figure out their preferences. I respect and understand that there is a spectrum between straight and homosexual - not just 1 or the other. She told me that before we met she had kissed and played around with a couple of her girl friends but it never progressed to sex. She admitted she liked kissing other girls but never wanted more. The idea of actually having sex with another girl was not something she thought she would like - so she said. I figured whatever occurred before we were together is all good and well. We married some years later. We were very happy and our sex life was great. The topic of her being with other women just sort of went away and I didn't think much about it. But once in a while I would ask her if she wanted to be with a woman and she said no. Deep down I had a feeling it might be something she was suppressing or hiding but I rarely mentioned it. Recently I told her I would support her if she wanted to explore this. I don't want her to have to hide it from me if this is how she truly feels. So I put it out there again. My thought was if she wanted to be with another woman for something purely sexual I could deal with that. (This sentiment rears its head later in my story). One of those aforementioned friends that my wife kissed now lives far away but they have remained long distance phone friends. For the past 10 years they had very infrequent contact as far as I know. This friend is 100% lesbian and she recently divorced from her partner and has since re-entered my wife's life on a more consistent phone contact basis. My wife wants to support her through this painful separation and the two have been talking a lot more. Her friend came in town to visit recently and I surmised that some old feelings may have resurfaced. This friend knows that my wife has always been curious about being with other girls since they had made out back in the day and who knows what more. I never asked for details. I began to suspect there was more than just friendship and support happening on these increasingly frequent phone calls. I asked my wife about this the other day, and she confirmed that yes there is some sexual fun happening over the phone at night. I am going out of town in a couple of weeks. My wife has planned for her friend to fly out and stay with her that weekend. She has told me they plan on having sex and that she is very excited about it. She said that I told her it was ok if she wanted to explore, and she is right. However, given the lowly state of our marriage and the fact that this will be happening with someone she deeply cares for and has a long history with causes me great concern. I think there is more than just sex happening between them. And I worry that this impending encounter will only strengthen their love for each other. I did not anticipate an emotional and ongoing relationship with the person my wife would explore with and now I feel like I'm on the outside looking in. My wife says this is someone she feels safe and comfortable with and that's why its a perfect time for her to explore with this other woman. I have come to realize that this could be the end of our marriage if she decides that she would rather be with her friend (or other women in general). I feel sick to my stomach and consumed with fear and anxiety as I watch this situation play out. I do not have any control - nor would I presume to exercise control over her. I want her to be happy and she needs to figure stuff out. But the fact remains this sexual encounter will be happening with a woman she already is very close to. I've openly raised these concerns with my wife. We have agreed to seek marriage counseling to try to overcome our own issues. I want to get our intimacy back. I want us to be together. She said she wants the same thing, but that its going to take a lot of work to get over the hurt and neglect we both have injected into our marriage. I am absolutely wanting and willing to do this. She wants to start slowly to rebuild our connection. But my wife said she is not at a point where she wants to be intimate, nor does she want me back in bed sleeping next to her. It hurts - a lot. This was the point I really started to worry. I'm trying to be understanding and give her time to sort out her feelings. I cant help but feel she doesn't want me in bed so that she can talk - and play with her friend on the phone every night. I confronted my wife with this and she admitted that yes has gotten sexual and that they do laugh and have fun and that is something she hasn't had in a long time. I am perplexed in that I feel if she wanted to work on our marriage she would not choose continuing to sleep separate and engaging with her friend while they anticipate their upcoming weekend together. The fact my wife isn't sure she even wants to be intimate with me is intensely painful. I remind myself that I am half to blame for the current distance between us, but that is of little comfort. She tells me we will make things better. She says she wants us to make it work. I want to believe her but the fact she is frequently engaging with her friend instead of having me in the room concerns me. I feel like her priority is enjoying phone sex - and soon - real sex with her friend more than it is trying to reconnect with me. Last night I brought up my ultimate concern in that hooking up with a close friend with emotional ties is only going to strengthen that emotion. After that I will always be wondering if she would rather being with her friend. Even now I wonder if she's talking with her in my absence. My wife defends this idea because the woman lives far away and it isn't logistical for them to end up together. I countered saying distance doesn't really matter because if she wants to be with her friend they will somehow make it work. Whether that be a continued long distance phone sex relationship or more. After they are together sexually their friendship will be changed forever and I don't think its unreasonable to assume they can and likely will fall in love. I'm second guessing everything. I am in utter emotional chaos and dread for what will happen. I love my wife and I don't want to lose her. I get that she needs to figure out her sexuality, but I cant help fear being with her friend like this will spell doom for our marriage. I think if she really wanted our marriage to come first then we would work on our own intimacy and connection before exploring this. But she says she needs to figure this out first to see what she really wants. So here I sit, looking on helplessly waiting for the results of their sex weekend together. I've never felt this hopeless and broken. I deeply regret the years of emotional and sexual distance I contributed to. I cant help but feel I pushed her into this with my behavior and my suggestion that she could explore if she wanted to. I just never anticipated it would lead to this. I can barely work or hold another though in my head other than what is about to happen. I've never felt this much pain and panic. I don't want to lose her and the family we have. Any advice would be welcome. Is there a light at the end of this tunnel? Has anyone been through something like this that can shed some light on my dark all-encompassing anxiety. Thank you.