Wife wants to explore her sexuality

[jp74]

My wife and I have been married for 12 years. We have 2 kids. The last few years has seen a significant emotional distance growing between us. There has been no intimacy for a long time. We've been sleeping separately and have not had sex in years. Neither of us have made it a priority and it seemed we were content working to raise our children and being happy enough raising a family together. Kicking the can down the road so to speak hoping that someday, somehow it would change. It hasn't. My story is a bit long and involved. Please bear with me. 

To give some context my wife has always had attraction to other women. In the beginning of our relationship we talked about it and she said it was a "phase". She has made comments like "all women are bi-curious to some degree". As vague as this comment was I didn't think too much about it as I feel a lot of women explore these feelings as they figure out their preferences. I respect and understand that there is a spectrum between straight and homosexual - not just 1 or the other. She told me that before we met she had kissed and played around with a couple of her girl friends but it never progressed to sex. She admitted she liked kissing other girls but never wanted more. The idea of actually having sex with another girl was not something she thought she would like - so she said. I figured whatever occurred before we were together is all good and well. We married some years later. We were very happy and our sex life was great. The topic of her being with other women just sort of went away and I didn't think much about it. But once in a while I would ask her if she wanted to be with a woman and she said no. Deep down I had a feeling it might be something she was suppressing or hiding but I rarely mentioned it. Recently I told her I would support her if she wanted to explore this. I don't want her to have to hide it from me if this is how she truly feels. So I put it out there again. My thought was if she wanted to be with another woman for something purely sexual I could deal with that. (This sentiment rears its head later in my story).

One of those aforementioned friends that my wife kissed now lives far away but they have remained long distance phone friends. For the past 10 years they had very infrequent contact as far as I know. This friend is 100% lesbian and she recently divorced from her partner and has since re-entered my wife's life on a more consistent phone contact basis. My wife wants to support her through this painful separation and the two have been talking a lot more. Her friend came in town to visit recently and I surmised that some old feelings may have resurfaced. This friend knows that my wife has always been curious about being with other girls since they had made out back in the day and who knows what more. I never asked for details. 

I began to suspect there was more than just friendship and support happening on these increasingly frequent phone calls. I asked my wife about this the other day, and she confirmed that yes there is some sexual fun happening over the phone at night.

I am going out of town in a couple of weeks. My wife has planned for her friend to fly out and stay with her that weekend. She has told me they plan on having sex and that she is very excited about it. She said that I told her it was ok if she wanted to explore, and she is right. However, given the lowly state of our marriage and the fact that this will be happening with someone she deeply cares for and has a long history with causes me great concern. I think there is more than just sex happening between them. And I worry that this impending encounter will only strengthen their love for each other. I did not anticipate an emotional and ongoing relationship with the person my wife would explore with and now I feel like I'm on the outside looking in. My wife says this is someone she feels safe and comfortable with and that's why its a perfect time for her to explore with this other woman.

I have come to realize that this could be the end of our marriage if she decides that she would rather be with her friend (or other women in general). I feel sick to my stomach and consumed with fear and anxiety as I watch this situation play out. I do not have any control - nor would I presume to exercise control over her. I want her to be happy and she needs to figure stuff out. But the fact remains this sexual encounter will be happening with a woman she already is very close to. 

I've openly raised these concerns with my wife. We have agreed to seek marriage counseling to try to overcome our own issues. I want to get our intimacy back. I want us to be together. She said she wants the same thing, but that its going to take a lot of work to get over the hurt and neglect we both have injected into our marriage. I am absolutely wanting and willing to do this. She wants to start slowly to rebuild our connection. But my wife said she is not at a point where she wants to be intimate, nor does she want me back in bed sleeping next to her. It hurts - a lot. This was the point I really started to worry. I'm trying to be understanding and give her time to sort out her feelings. I cant help but feel she doesn't want me in bed so that she can talk - and play with her friend on the phone every night. I confronted my wife with this and she admitted that yes has gotten sexual and that they do laugh and have fun and that is something she hasn't had in a long time. I am perplexed in that I feel if she wanted to work on our marriage she would not choose continuing to sleep separate and engaging with her friend while they anticipate their upcoming weekend together. The fact my wife isn't sure she even wants to be intimate with me is intensely painful. I remind myself that I am half to blame for the current distance between us, but that is of little comfort. 

She tells me we will make things better. She says she wants us to make it work. I want to believe her but the fact she is frequently engaging with her friend instead of having me in the room concerns me. I feel like her priority is enjoying phone sex - and soon - real sex with her friend more than it is trying to reconnect with me. Last night I brought up my ultimate concern in that hooking up with a close friend with emotional ties is only going to strengthen that emotion. After that I will always be wondering if she would rather being with her friend. Even now I wonder if she's talking with her in my absence. My wife defends this idea because the woman lives far away and it isn't logistical for them to end up together. I countered saying distance doesn't really matter because if she wants to be with her friend they will somehow make it work. Whether that be a continued long distance phone sex relationship or more. After they are together sexually their friendship will be changed forever and I don't think its unreasonable to assume they can and likely will fall in love.

I'm second guessing everything. I am in utter emotional chaos and dread for what will happen. I love my wife and I don't want to lose her. I get that she needs to figure out her sexuality, but I cant help fear being with her friend like this will spell doom for our marriage. I think if she really wanted our marriage to come first then we would work on our own intimacy and connection before exploring this. But she says she needs to figure this out first to see what she really wants. So here I sit, looking on helplessly waiting for the results of their sex weekend together. I've never felt this hopeless and broken. I deeply regret the years of emotional and sexual distance I contributed to. I cant help but feel I pushed her into this with my behavior and my suggestion that she could explore if she wanted to. I just never anticipated it would lead to this. I can barely work or hold another though in my head other than what is about to happen. I've never felt this much pain and panic. I don't want to lose her and the family we have. 

Any advice would be welcome. Is there a light at the end of this tunnel? Has anyone been through something like this that can shed some light on my dark all-encompassing anxiety. Thank you.

 

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, jp74 said:

We have agreed to seek marriage counseling to try to overcome our own issues.

Sorry this is happening. Marriage counseling is a great idea. The main problem here seems to be the disconnect between you two. Try to focus on this. Opening the marriage doesn't seem to be working and it's unclear why you're encouraging this .

[Coily]

Very sorry to read this.

Unfortunately, your wife is trying to have her cake and eat it too in this situation and leaving you to suffer from her cold indifference. While i understand that you want her to be content, she has to make the decision if she really cares about you and your family or her having an affair to sort out her sexuality. After the kids come along she doesn't get to be reckless and trying to "find herself," until they are adults this is cruel of her.

Personally, I would consult a divorce attorney and start looking at options to protect yourself and your children. I would, in your position, aim for full custody of the children  as your wife's priorities are not family focused.

This marriage could be salvageable, but you need to know where your limits are and not be afraid of telling her no x or y is unacceptable. Also take the sexual orientation side of this out, she is seeking sexual gratification from someone else and holding you hostage.

 

[jp74]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Marriage counseling is a great idea. The main problem here seems to be the disconnect between you two. Try to focus on this. Opening the marriage doesn't seem to be working and it's unclear why you're encouraging this .

I suggested her exploring because I do not want my wife to feel she needs to hide feelings from me. I have always suspected she was attracted to other girls. Since it never went beyond kissing and fooling around, and her telling me it was just a phase, this question kind of went away - or at least went invisible - until now. I am not encouraging her to hook up with her close friend. That's the part that terrifies me. It is the ongoing emotional connection they probably will always have as friends - now turning sexual - that will forever have me second guessing their relationship going forward. 

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, jp74 said:

 It is the ongoing emotional connection they probably will always have as friends - now turning sexual - 

You seem to go beyond asking or encouraging.and almost seem to want to push her into a sexual relationship with this woman. However that may be something you fantasize about.

The real issue isn't her sexuality or open relationships. The real issue is the rift between you two.

You seem to make a big deal out of her "bisexuality" but actually what's the difference if she's with a man or a woman? You opened the marriage for whatever reason and now you're not handling it too well. 

[Batya33]

This is about whether you're ok with her cheating on you -although not behind your back. Just because she'd be sexual with a woman is irrelevant.  A person who wants to have sex outside of a marriage gets divorced then does that unless the couple agrees to an open marriage. Which you have not at least in this situation -she can explore but not if there's a strong emotional connection??

[redswim30]

1 hour ago, Coily said:

Very sorry to read this.

Unfortunately, your wife is trying to have her cake and eat it too in this situation and leaving you to suffer from her cold indifference. While i understand that you want her to be content, she has to make the decision if she really cares about you and your family or her having an affair to sort out her sexuality. After the kids come along she doesn't get to be reckless and trying to "find herself," until they are adults this is cruel of her.

Personally, I would consult a divorce attorney and start looking at options to protect yourself and your children. I would, in your position, aim for full custody of the children  as your wife's priorities are not family focused.

This marriage could be salvageable, but you need to know where your limits are and not be afraid of telling her no x or y is unacceptable. Also take the sexual orientation side of this out, she is seeking sexual gratification from someone else and holding you hostage.

 

ALL OF THIS. 

OP, your wife is FULL of BS!   She has no intention of working on your marriage whilst fully pursuing another relationship. 

Your big mistake was agreeing to something you weren't really comfortable with.   Your wife's mistake is in continuing to pursue this when you made it crystal clear that you are very concerned and not really okay with this.  This tells me that she isn't really invested in your marriage.  She's invested in pursuing another relationship with someone else while keeping you there as her safety net. 

There's a big difference between a couple choosing to have an open marriage with sexual encounters that don't mean anything while remaining emotionally loyal to each other.  Or even to be polyamorous as a couple.  The problem is you AREN'T doing this as a couple and you fundamentally disagree.  And she is doing this with someone she is already HIGHLY emotionally invested in, which is in no way good for your marriage. 

I'm gonna cut to the chase- your wife is having an emotional affair and about to pursue a physical affair as well.  You've told her (even IF you initially agreed) your fear and concerns. IF she was in any way invested in saving your marriage, this would have stopped her.  It hasn't and you have every reason to be worried that your wife may already be in love with this other person.  She's invested in and pursuing the relationship she really cares about, and I'm sorry to say that this is not you.  The "distance between them" is a gaslighting tactic, so please don't buy that.  The fact is that the distance ISN'T stopping them, they are already in a relationship. 

If I were you, I'd do one of two things.  

1. Tell your wife that if she gets to explore other relationships, then you want to as well.  Say that you'd like to start sleeping with other women.   If she truly wants an OPEN marriage, this is the fair thing to do.  Let her be YOUR security blanket while you find someone else to be emotionally and physically intimate with and claim it will "help" your marriage.  Otherwise, she doesn't want an open marriage, she just wants to justify her cheating, by saying you KNOW and initially agreed, so it therefore isn't cheating.  But you are uncomfortable with it and fear it may destroy your marriage, which technically DOES make it cheating.  You initially agree, sure.  But you clearly changed your mind and as her SPOUSE, that is your right. 

2. And this is what I would do- Consult a lawyer.  You've already got a one way ticket to Divorceville whether you can admit this yet or not. 

There's a difference between "being supportive" and letting your partner do something that you know will be detrimental to or destroy the marriage.  Your wife can explore her sexuality, but that doesn't mean you need to stand by her side while she openly pursues other people.  IMVHO, your marriage is already over. It's up to you whether you want to continue to support someone who has zero investment in you or interest in your feelings while watching them fall in love with someone else. 

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, jp74 said:

The last few years has seen a significant emotional distance growing between us. There has been no intimacy for a long time. We've been sleeping separately and have not had sex in years.

Intimacy is a normal part of a 'healthy' relationship.  Sadly, you two have let it die off 😕 .  Instead of dealing with it.  And now that things seem to be heating up between her & her friend, you're reacting.

Then no, I guess you can't expect things to suddenly change for the better all of a sudden.

You two have chosen to avoid & ignore the issue for so long now, what's to be expected?

I do agree that some couple therapy may help.  But, sounds like she's going ahead with her plans with her friend.  Not sure what else can be done at this point?

IMO, if this were going on in my life, I'd seriously consider ending all.  As things haven't been right for some time & no made an attempt at fixing it or to even see IF you two are compatible anymore.

 

[redswim30]

2 hours ago, jp74 said:

I think if she really wanted our marriage to come first then we would work on our own intimacy and connection before exploring this. But she says she needs to figure this out first to see what she really wants. So here I sit, looking on helplessly waiting for the results of their sex weekend together. I've never felt this hopeless and broken. I deeply regret the years of emotional and sexual distance I contributed to. I cant help but feel I pushed her into this with my behavior and my suggestion that she could explore if she wanted to.

 

You're right.  If she wanted your marriage to come first, she'd put it first.  Unless you already agreed to being a polyamorous couple or agreed to a fully open (with both parties) marriage-  I don't know a SINGLE typically monogamous spouse that would be "totally fine" with their spouse CHOOSING to have sex with someone that they are already emotionally invested in stand by waiting for their spouse to decide whether they want to be with me or this new person. 

Because, really, she's already made her choice.  She just wants you to be there to pick up in the pieces in case things don't work out for her and new her partner.  That's wildly unfair to you. 

In life, we make choices.   Most of the time, if we choose something, we cannot expect the thing we did not choose to be there for us "in case" the thing we DID choose doesn't work out. 

It's like quitting your job for another job.   No one is going to expect their former employer to "hold their old job" to see IF the new one works out! That's ridiculous.  You quit.  That was your choice.  Whether or not the new job works out is YOUR consequence of the decision to quit.  Sometimes in life we don't know whether a choice was right or wrong until after we make it, but that's the chance we take.  Your wife quit YOU and is pursuing a new relationship.  Once you made it clear you were NOT okay with this, she should have stopped. Or at least decided to separate from you while determining what she wants, in fairness to you.   Your wife is being cruel to want you to be there faithfully married to her while she decides if her new relationship will work out or not.  

Do not blame yourself, OP.  Despite any mistakes you may have made, it doesn't merit your wife pursuing another relationship while staying married to you.  She had many other options besides this.  She could have made an appointment for a counselor with you.  She could have suggested doing things to rekindle YOUR relationship.  She could have asked for a divorce, so she can openly date whomever she wants.  Or at LEAST a trial separation, knowing that she risks losing you to pursue something new.  She's choosing to invest all her time and energy into someone else. 

She wants to "explore" while having you there in case she regrets this decision.  I don't know that I'd personally be so concerned about losing someone that cared so little for my feelings and about saving our marriage.  

PS- You don't have to "sit there" waiting.  You can tell her firmly that you are not okay with this and that she is jeopardizing your marriage.  If she responds with a shrug, that says everything. Personally, I'd add that if she decides to go through with this, that you will need to seriously talk about separating while she sorts her feelings out. 

 

[MissCanuck]

Nope. 

Nope. More nope. 

It is one thing to explore sexuality within the framework of a healthy marriage. It is quite another to do so at the expense of a marriage. 

 

[lostandhurt]

Remove the gender from all this and what do you have?  You have a spouse that wants to go have sex outside of the marriage and wants you to be okay with it. Extremely selfish and hurtful.

 What if she came to you one day and said "There is this new guy at work and I think I might be into him so I want to take him for a test drive to see if I prefer him to you"  "I will be gone all weekend having sex with him and will let you know if you are in or out when I return"

 How would you react?  Would you agree to it?  This is exactly the same thing she is doing.

 I hate to say this but she has totally checked out emotionally from you and the family.  She only cares about what she wants and could give a crap how you feel.  You don't want to lose her but what you need to see and accept is that she is not the woman you married, she is this new person that has both feet out the door and isn't looking back.  Why try and keep that woman???

It sucks but you have to step back and see this clearly.

While she is gone I would make copies and save copies of all the financial information, life insurance info and anything else you may need to know if you are not in the house anymore.  I would also at least do some research on divorce at your counties website.  Knowledge is power.

Lost

[catfeeder]

I got lost in the details so I didn’t get past your mention of couples counseling. Have you pursued it? If not, why not?

[Chet777]

I was in a very similar situation as you. However, my wife always said she never found women attractive and was 100% heterosexual when the subject came up. She started a friendship with a younger female who was in a abusive relationship with her boyfriend. This friend was bisexual and found women more attractive even though she was with a man. I noticed a change in my wife's behavior as their friendship grew. She started bringing up lesbian relationships of people she knew and would make a passing comment on the attractiveness of random women. Of course she would also say just because she thinks a woman looks attractive doesnt mean she is sexually attracted to women. And how women need to have friendships with other women because they provide something that men can not. She started spending more and more time with her friend which included hiding the amount of times she would see her. She would constantly text this women throughout the day while becoming more secretive and guarding her phone. My intuition knew something was wrong. One day her friend called and she left the room to take the call. I walked by the room she was in and her my wife say that she wished I would accept their "relationship". When I confronted her about what I'd heard she said she means friendship with this woman. I thought to myself if that was the case why not just say friendship. Later they went on a girl's weekend together to the beach and I found out they slept in the same bed together (the place they stayed in had two bedrooms). My intuition was screaming that they were having an affair and when I finally brought this up my wife told me nothing was going on and I was insecure and jumping to conclusions. After more disturbing behavior I realized my wife was never going to be honest with me I decided to buy spy software and installed it on my wife's phone. It didn't take long for me to find sexual messages between them which included references to times they had sex. I confronted my wife with this information and she said she was lonely and I didn't satisfy her in the bedroom in the most insulting and hurtful way possible. I felt like I didn't know who this person was and wasted decades of my life being with them. When I told her I wanted a divorce and never wanted to speak to her again she begged me not to leave her and that it wasn't a big deal because she didn't sleep with another man. I tried marriage counseling because I loved her but in the end the level of betrayal and how she made me feel was too much for me to handle and I filed for divorce. I know you are afraid but you need to come to the realization that your marriage is over. Your wife is in love with another person. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is in love with you and who is sexually attracted to you.