staticcling

my ex JUST did the same thing last friday! he texted me saying is son(who I care about deeply) was in the emergency room. when i freaked and asked how he was, my ex said "oh sorry! that was meant for someone else." talk about transparent! this guy is totally intentionally trying to get you jealous. sounds like a jerk.

my ex of 1-week is playing major games with me. i left him with a "dear john" note, its a long story as to why. Lets just say he is a MASTER manipulator. anyway, i started to feel bad about the goodbye note, plus having some space gave me some more clarity about why i needed to leave the relationship to "find myself again" so i could be a healthy partner. SO, a few days back i asked him if he would be willing to see me and talk, so i could explain things again. He said "there is nothing to talk about, unless you want to talk about moving back in and finding yourself while still being with me." in other words: he will only meet if the outcome is us getting back together.. the conversation ended badly, he was cold, said he would be finding another girl soon, and cruel things. He gets really cruel when he does not get his way. today, i get this text: (him): my son > fell and is in the emergency room. (me): oh my god. is he ok? are you ok? is your mom there to help? (him): that text was meant for someone else...force of habit. TWO HOURS PASS (me): I would appreciate knowing if he is ok. if you refuse to tell me i will just call your mom. Just erase my name from your phone so that you don't do that to my heart again. It is cruel that you won't tell me how he is doing. ONE HOUR PASSES.... NOTHING (me): Just said a prayer for your son. How dare you do this? Do you get off on hurting me? You have no compassion...you are a sick person. Do not contact me again ever. TWO HOURS LATER (him): Don't contact me again? i texted by mistake...by habit. have not contacted you at all. But I forgot you don't make mistakes... you are perfect. LATER (him): Would you like to have dinner with me in the city tomorrow night? ????? what the ?*&&^? he is messing with my emotions. ](*,) do i just ignore him and go back to NC? or do i meet with him? i am hurt by his game playing and can't believe he would pull that stuff with the emergency room and my emotions.

so today i got the courage to set up a time to meet with my ex face to face so that i could feel like i was breaking up with some integrity. he is still so angry that he s refusing to see me. he says he doesn't want to meet just to hear me re-explain things unless it is to talk about how to get by them and be together. so i guess that is my answer. i still feel like i need to tell him what is in my heart so i will probably write him a letter at the very least. it is disappointing that he is not interested in listening to me explain that i have really lost myself and need to get that back in order to be a good partner. maybe i was expecting too much. after all, i left this relationship for this very reason: i just can't trust him to have my best interest, as he just demonstrated.

my one friend (who knows both of us) says i should definitely do a face to face breakup. she says i owe him at least that much after he left his wife for me and i left my marriage for him.

Wow, NC huh? I totally thought people would say to face him with integrity. I think I am driven to do the face-to-face so I can express my newly-found discovery that I need to get myself back. (as friends report) he is devestated and confused. on a day-to-day basis we have been doing well, no fighting and great love making. Its my lack of self that caused me to leave, although in the note i said it was because of something else. I mentioned his power of persuasion, yes. but I can't see myself giving in this time. I just thought I should give him the chance to try and understand. If he does, great... we can break up peacefully. If he does not understand, I will know for sure that he was not the man for me. what do y'all think? lemme no.

well, I actually feel totally clear that I need to be on my own for awhile. I have no hesitation about that. the only hesitation is that he is a psychologist and could talk Freud into taking off his clothes in the middle of a parade. the only question for me is should this be an ambiguous "take space and see what happens" break up, or should it be a clean break. we worked really hard to get to this point and (sheepish*) I am afraid that I am walking away from something that could be good if I can get myself back. am i just in denial? be brutally honest.

i broke up with my b-friend last friday by moving out while he was at work and I left him a "dear john" note. He has a history of talking me into things/needing control (which is part of the reason i wanted out) and that's why i left a note. I was really unhappy but couldn't articulate what was wrong. I used his family and our situation (we were in an affair and both divorced to be w/each other) as excuses to run out of the relationship. well, NC since Friday + therapy and reconnection with my friends has given me a little clarity. Basically, i realize i have lost who i am because i gave so much to the relationship and sacrificed my sense of self in a SICK way. During affair he requested that i not go out with any friends but just stay home alone for 2 years, text messaging him while he was with his wife and kid. My family lives out of state and he insisted I not visit them. As a result, i spent thanksgiving, christmas, easter completely alone and in front of my tv crying. I lost all friendships and was isolated from family. I have no support or real connection with anyone but him (systematic isolation???). long story short, I now have clarity on why i needed to leave the relationship and know that I need to work on getting some sense of self back. I want to visit family and take some time to reconnect with a support system. I am not sure if he is willing to wait for me to do this, and I can't promise that I will want to be with him once I get "myself" back. I don't know if I can trust him with my heart again, we will see. Since i left with a "dear john" i feel like i owe him the decency of having a face to face talk, to explain my feelings. I know there is a large chance that he won't understand, but I feel like i need to end this with more integrity than a note. Do you think this is appropriate?

update: he texted me back and said "no i am not ok...go about your business." totally emotionally manipulative.

ok i am totally a LO-HOOSER for still having the cell but yes you are right i am addicted and still too afraid to let go of contact 100%. you caught me. i am working on this tomorrow in my therapy session, i swear it. cripes.

the more i think about it the clearer it becomes: when i think about going back to him, there is only way I can cope with that thought: knowing that it is 100% guaranteed that he will hurt me again by messing up so badly that i will have an excuse to leave. i just realized this... i have been looking for excuses to leave him. then when i do, i go back guilt ridden but hopeful for the next mess up. i must be so weak that i need proof of his "awfulness" to justify getting out of this relationship. is it enough to just say to him "i am sorry but i can't do this anymore."? without looking for 50 reasons to back up my actions. you are right, I am making myself accountable to his family, to his exwife, to my exhusband... all because it stemmed from an affair and i feel guilty that we lost so much to get to this point, that i feel bad breaking it off.

i have described the drama of my affair-turned-into-relationship in past posts . he has texted me nothing but angry manipulative messages about "how could i leave him and his son" "how could I do this to his son." "his son is confused and wants me there." No texts to take any responsibility for his part in any of this, etc. just anger. I maintained NC for 48 hours until he texted "I am really in bad shape and need you right now." and then five minutes later "Forget it, I am done with this life." I texted back "I care about you and love you but I am hurting too and have nothing to give right now." Haven't heard from him in 3 hours. Not sure what to do here... he is playing manipulating games but I can't ignore the threat of harming himself, can I? I feel caught in a bind.

take it from someone who is currently the "other woman" that you are playing with fire. you say you would never cheat and i am telling you it is a slippery slope, even for the most moral of people. and the loss is devestating, even when you are in love with the person withwhom you cheat. its heartbreak on either side. keep your boundaries tight . that's my advice. i lost my marriage, he lost his. we are together now, and in love but on rocky foundation and everyone is against us. if we hadn't yielded to the honest love we felt, we would have saved ourselves alot of heartache. and others too.

you are absolutely right! it is a total train wreck!!!! I am the poster child for why relationships that start as affairs DON'T stand much of a chance. we fought to be together but it comes with heavy baggage that i don't want to carry around for the rest of our lives. PLUS i came to realize that my guy is not the prince charming that i idealized. i could go back and acquiece to a life with him, wrought with guilt and conflict but full of passion (which seems less than ideal), or leave him forever (causing more guilt and hurt by running away) and go on with my life. Both seem like bad options.

I posted here about breaking up with my guy I left him on Friday, leaving a note (in times past, he has talked me into staying and I didn't want to risk that). I sent an email to his soon-to-be ex-wife, letting her know. I did that out of guilt for the affair and concern for him. I also wrote a letter to his brothers, who have cut him off since hearing about the affair. Our affair has caused alot of drama in their family and as a result, my stubborn boyfriend refused to spend the holidays with them. I was hoping that my leaving would help them reconnect. I left my job, sold my house, and lost alot of friends for this guy. I realize now that he is a control freak and never had my best interest at heart. I love him, but in many ways he is selfish and I dont think I can trust my heart with him. We always prided ourselves on having this "great love" and were "soulmates" and had this great romantic love story of being each others June Carter and Johnny Cash. But the truth is, there is alot of conflict surrounding our affair and his family, and he is not confronting any of it... and that sets of red flags for me. I had begged him for a long time to either come clean with the affair because I was tired of being a part of a lie - he didn't. He claimed he was living in separate bedrooms with his wife, because the guilt of the affair was killing me - that was a lie. I know he used steroids in the past and I asked him to be straight with me if he was using - he denied it until I caught him. During the affair, he asked me to make a deal not to go out with my friends on weekends and he would not go out either - stupidly, even though it made me miserable, i agreed. I just found out that he was going out with friends and family during that time, and lied to me about it. I left because although I love him and the chemistry is amazing and he has a million great qualities, our relationship is beginning on such rocky foundation... and I just don't have the strength to deal with another holiday season filled with conflict and drama and in isolation. its hard because his family is emailing me, his mom is calling, even the ex is saying "you should go back to him." He is miserable and they know that we love each other and can't understand why i would leave after all we both gave up to be together. its also hard because i have no job, am staying with a friend, and have no family. i feel pretty alone and its tempting to go back to him as a way to hang on to something remotely stable and comforting. i guess i just needed to vent about it but any insights are welcome.

i broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years today. we have had a bad history of break up/back together/ break up/back together during our relationship. The stakes are pretty high: we live together, I am in his son's life on a daily basis, and this would be the first year I would have spent the holidays with him. For all these reasons and more (too much to go into), I didn't want him to talk me out of leaving, which is our usual pattern. I decided to move out while he was at work and write him a dear john letter. Now he is PI-Zisst. very angry and writing me a ton of very nasty hurtful evil texts about how i don't deserve children and how could i do this to his son. nothing about the relationship situation, just guilting me out about his son. So in observing his reaction to all this i am seriously getting to know a part of his character i never discovered. it is ugly. i love him and if certain things would change i could have seen us reconciling BUT NOW i am starting to wonder about him based on how he is dealing with the break up!!! am i being harsh?

can you change your phone number?

let me give you examples of the resentments: a) he insisted that even though we were living apart, neither of us should go out with friends during the course of the affair. result: i spent saturday nights at home watching movies via text message together. b) he lied to me about steroid use and even though he promised he would be honest if he started to use, he has continued to lie. he also lied about sleeping in separate bedrooms with his wife the last 6 months of the affair. and examples about the family: a) wife is invited to all family events (including a b-day party for HER), but he and i are not invited. b) brothers and sisters have not spoken to him since easter and refuse to see him for the holidays. c) his spiteful aunt invites wife to lunch and has given brothers money and gifts, so they have motive to stay aligned with her. even though aunt had a 20 year affair with a well-known mobster, she has the audacity to call me a wh**r*. see what i am up against?

i really love him, yes. i will admit though, that i do hold resentments towards him because i sacrificed alot more of my "past life" and did so about a year sooner than he did, so i am riding on a year and a half of torturous waiting for him and guilt for the affair during that time. so there is still that resentment. and his family is stubborn old-school italian, i am afraid. they have a history of not accepting things for years. i am afraid that if i stay with him, even though i love him, we will face years of family rejection. that idea is pretty overwhelming to me, after all we have already been through.

it is 1 am and i can't sleep. he is in the next room snoring...the man i had an affair with, who left his wife and child for me. the man i left my own marriage for. the man i have been trying to leave since this all began. when god made me, he forgot the gene for breaking up... i am just incapable and need HELP! since the work affair began over two years ago, it has felt like i am watching a train wreck but have no power to stop it. but the truth is i had choice and just made the bad ones over and over again. to spare you the long but juicy version, i tried to break it off about 17,000 times, but even after divorcing my unsuspecting and decent husband, even after being confronted AT WORK by his wife and kid in the lobby, even after he lied to me about sleeping and separate bedrooms, even after knowing he is still USING STEROIDS, even after MY MOM FLEW INTO THE COUNTRY FROM OVERSEAS TO HELP ME LEAVE, even after leaving the state TWICE... here i sit, listening to him snore. ok. before i sound like a total lost cause, a couple of things: i grappled with staying because we came so far... he DID leave her, and i did leave my MARRIAGE AND MY HOUSE AND QUIT MY JOB (what the hell did i do?) and our "grand plan" is to marry (when his divorce is final). when it is just the two of us, we have a great time. but because we started as an affair, trying to integrate our lives has been difficult. Before we lived together, i wanted to leave out of guilt. Now, i want to leave out of guilt and doubt. Doubt: not sure if we met under normal circumstances, would our lives fit together? i will never know. will i always feel like the 'other woman?' Doubt: steroids? no wonder he looks so damn good! but steroids? and lying to me about it? can anyone spell R-E-D F-L-A-G??? Guilt: we fell in love while his wife was still preggers. they never had a chance because i was already in the picture. his son adores him. and me. and us. his estranged wife hates me. Guilt: thanksgiving and christmas will be isolated. his family can't accept me and they have not spoken to him in a year. he is choosing me over them. so the bottom line is: even if the love feels right, the rest feels SO DAMN WRONG. and it has felt WRONG TO BEGIN WITH but I just could not stop myself. i could not stop the trainwreck. but I cant keep doing this... and have to break it off before he not only sacrifices his marriage, but his immediate family! I can't live with knowing he will sacrifice spending the holidays with them, to fight for us. because deep down i know that if his family can't accept me, we won't survive the relationship. too much has been lost, So after months of therapy, i wrote him a "Dear John" letter and am planning to leave him on Friday. I am packing while he is at work... am i a total coward? i know that he will just talk me out of it if i try to tell him all of this face to face. and my track record of leaving the relationship has been awful, even when the stakes are this high. please don't send unkind replies about my being a homewrecker... i want to leave, believe me. with a shred of integrity.

so do you guys think a "dear john" letter is okay to do? it feels so premeditated but with my track record i don't want to risk failing again.

as far as his family goes... his parents have reluctantly accepted me. His siblings, with whom he was very close, have cut out all contact with him since Easter. His parents have to choose between spending the holidays with "the adulterers" or "the rest of the family." I feel like if i left, it would be less burdensome for everyone. it just hurts to know how this will devestate my boyfriend. Here is a case where the guy actually leaves his wife for what he hopes will be something better. but the hits just keep on coming... i have drafted letters to his brothers, and parents. basic gist of letters is "although i am so sorry for how this relationship came to be, i won't apologize for how much i love him. but i am leaving because i can't bear for him to lose his family this way." the plan is to leave no access except through email. my downfall in the past has been has been this cell phone. damn technology. i have arranged to go to a friends house for a few days. but i have no job and no place to live. so it will be a long climb starting all over. i am considering leaving town for a while... maybe even visit my parents out of the country to keep from temptation. there are alot of excuses to stay, but in therapy i have been preparing for how i can't keep letting the stakes get higher... its hard though what do you guys think?

it is 1 am and i can't sleep. he is in the next room snoring...the man i had an affair with, who left his wife and child for me. the man i left my own marriage for. the man i have been trying to leave since this all began. when god made me, he forgot the gene for breaking up... i am just incapable and need HELP! since the work affair began over two years ago, it has felt like i am watching a train wreck but have no power to stop it. but the truth is i had choice and just made the bad ones over and over again. to spare you the long but juicy version, i tried to break it off about 17,000 times, but even after divorcing my unsuspecting and decent husband, even after being confronted AT WORK by his wife and kid in the lobby, even after he lied to me about sleeping and separate bedrooms, even after knowing he is still USING STEROIDS, even after MY MOM FLEW INTO THE COUNTRY FROM OVERSEAS TO HELP ME LEAVE, even after leaving the state TWICE... here i sit, listening to him snore. ok. before i sound like a total lost cause, a couple of things: i grappled with staying because we came so far... he DID leave her, and i did leave my MARRIAGE AND MY HOUSE AND QUIT MY JOB (what the hell did i do?) and our "grand plan" is to marry (when his divorce is final). when it is just the two of us, we have a great time. but because we started as an affair, trying to integrate our lives has been difficult. Before we lived together, i wanted to leave out of guilt. Now, i want to leave out of guilt and doubt. Doubt: not sure if we met under normal circumstances, would our lives fit together? i will never know. will i always feel like the 'other woman?' Doubt: steroids? no wonder he looks so damn good! but steroids? and lying to me about it? can anyone spell R-E-D F-L-A-G??? Guilt: we fell in love while his wife was still preggers. they never had a chance because i was already in the picture. his son adores him. and me. and us. his estranged wife hates me. Guilt: thanksgiving and christmas will be isolated. his family can't accept me and they have not spoken to him in a year. he is choosing me over them. so the bottom line is: even if the love feels right, the rest feels SO DAMN WRONG. and it has felt WRONG TO BEGIN WITH but I just could not stop myself. i could not stop the trainwreck. but I cant keep doing this... and have to break it off before he not only sacrifices his marriage, but his immediate family! I can't live with knowing he will sacrifice spending the holidays with them, to fight for us. because deep down i know that if his family can't accept me, we won't survive the relationship. too much has been lost, So after months of therapy, i wrote him a "Dear John" letter and am planning to leave him on Thursday. I am packing while he is at work... am i a total coward? i know that he will just talk me out of it if i try to tell him all of this face to face. and my track record of leaving the relationship has been awful, even when the stakes are this high. please don't send unkind replies about my being a homewrecker... i want to leave, believe me. with a shred of integrity.