marathoner55

Cranbers, Play pretend for a moment. Pretend that she honestly admits to an affair. You said you both lie to each other, so pretend that you both come clean about all the lies over all the years. Now pretend that she wants you back and is willing to work on it. In this pretend scenario, do you want her back?

We as humans are genetically programmed to stay together as couples for much longer than a season or a year, as do other mammals. This allows for humans to have an extended childhood, lasting about 12 to 20 years, and is one of the developmental adaptations that has allowed humans to become the dominant species on the planet. It is entirely appropriate that emotions (such as jealousy) and human created traditions (aka morality) support this couple bonding. Furthermore, a relationship based on lies and deceit does not last. Now, lets analyze. First, if one assumes your partner is "OK with you sleeping around" then deception has been assumed out of the picture. Second, if the family structure is not in jeopardy on account of the sleeping around, then the underlying reason for the (A) emotion of jealousy and (B) morality has been eliminated. How can the family structure meet this standard? First, there must be agreement between both partners. This is rare in most relationships. Second that agreement must be based on great communication. Third, that agreement must be based on pure truthfulness. Fourth, there either must be no kids, or the stability of the relationship must be secured (based on first, second and third above) so that the couple stays together for the kids. Who can meet such high standards necessary to get to the point where sex with third parties outside the relationship is OK? It is probably a very small percentage of the population. We had a Senate candidate here in Illinois. He was divorced. Somebody dug up his divorce records. It came out that he was accused of trying to talk his wife to go to a sex club where men and women had sex with the spouses of others. In other words, a swingers club. Well, that was an example of a relationship where it was OK for one part of the couple (him) but not the other part of the couple (her). When this behavior was disclosed, he dropped out of the race. The majority (the vast majority) of people do not agree with this behavior. My opinion If you meet the four criteria above, then there is no reason for you NOT to engage in a free and open sexual relationship. But please: Practice safe sex. Get tested. Make sure your partners are tested. Check the test results and check a photo ID to make sure the results you are looking at are for the same person. But above all, be 100% totally honest with your partner and with yourself, and ONLY do this if you are both perfectly OK with it. Do not try to talk your partner into it. Do not let your partner talk you into it. Comments?

Dwayne, I was at exactly the same point. I felt that when I said anything it was taken as pressuring her (instead of communicating my needs) and made the problem worse (instead of better). What did my counselor say? Back off? Nope. My counselor said, be even more direct. Be loving as you say it, but be as plain as day. We set aside time to talk "about us". In other words, to talk about how we were doing as a couple. I complimented her on many aspects of our relationship. Then I said: "Having sex only twice a month makes me feel like I'm living in celibacy. When you said 'not tonight honey' last week, and we hugged and fell asleep, I understand you felt OK with that. You felt that hugging was enough. I need to tell you what I felt. I felt devastated." Thats a strong word, "devastated". And later in the conversation, I look lovingly in her eyes (I do love her, so it is honest to look lovingly in her eyes) and said these words "I am not happy with our relationship. I love you, but I am not happy". Dwayne, I had a hard time saying these words. I knew she would feel pressured, but I did NOT try to pressure her into sex that night. That night was all about communicating and holding each other in our arms afterwards. But after she processed these harsh words for a week or so, we began to work toward something that we could both could live with. So the counselor was right. Are you that direct, Dwayne? -Marathoner55

I'd asked you your age after your comment about the aches and pains of old age. I must say 44 is not old for sex. In fact, this is not too far from a woman's sexual peak. For men, if you are physically fit and don't have a medical issue, you are good to go for another 20-30 years, my friend. Take it from me: post menopause sex with a wife is the best! No worries about the time of month, or birth control. The kids are not in the house any more so no need to stick a sock in your mouth to muffle the sounds. Plus with no kids around every room is a play-room, if you catch my drift. You have lots of hot years ahead of you, if you can get past this bump in the road, stay married, and re-ignite the flames. On 12/27/06, I suggested that in this case, you need to plainly tell her (NOT in the bedroom! Over coffee sometime!) that you want foreplay too. Counselling is a great idea. But I had the situation you describe, and for $150 my counsellor gave me exactly this advice. Say what you need. Be honest. Talk plain. My friend, I just saved you $150. Did you try it? What happened? - Marathoner55

Good point, Beec. Good point, Beec. However, instead of asking "but what are you doing" to help, perhaps you have a suggestion for her of what she might do? For example, she states she has talked about things in her day, but the husband shows no interest. What do you suggest she talk about instead? Ouch, Beec. Double-ouch. I think people drift apart for lots of reasons. We have no information about why they drifted apart, or what efforts she made (or failed to make) to rectify the situation. In my view, blaming her ("you let him") is not justified. And the tone of the next statement ("Now, maybe now, you will think about what you did . . . ") seems unhelpful. Unless, of course, you have been getting some PMs and you have some information that is not publicly available on the forum.

Questions: What is your age? What is the age gap between you and your wife? - Marathoner55

What do you mean, "no foreplay, at least not for me"? Do you mean: She dresses up in slinky bedroom wear, and goes to bed with you and has sex, after you give her lots of foreplay but she does not give you any foreplay? She dresses up in evening wear or party clothes, and goes out for the night with her friends, possibly to run into other guys, and have foreplay and other sexual "fun"? She dresses up in evening wear or party clothes, and goes out for the night with her friends, possibly to run into women, and have foreplay and other sexual "fun" with the women? If it's item 1, then you need to plainly tell her (NOT in the bedroom! Over coffee sometime!) that you want foreplay too. If it's item 2 or 3, then this will be more complicated. (Quite a bit more complex, actually.) - Marathoner55

D.Dibbley: Angelbomb101 is absolutely correct. Communication and romance is the key. But to make it work, you need to add a second component, described below. But preliminarily, let me say I could have written your post for you. I am in a very similar situation, D. Dibbley. Lots of years of marriage. She was formerly hot and frequent in the bedroom. And then she dropped down to saying "no" unless she was totally in the mood (being "OK with sex" was not good enough, she had to be totally in the mood!) As you note, this means the wife dictates how infrequent sex will be, since you are probably ready 7 days a week. With our marriage, the frequency dropped to once a week, then once a month, then once every other month. And for several years, once every third month (i.e. 4x per year). I did not want to push her too hard on the issue, so I would "mention" it, instead of explicitly and strongly stating I needed more frequency. I did two things. First, I cranked up the communication and romance. I forced myself to attentively listen to everything she said, not just the stuff I found interesting. Well, "forced" at first. As I cranked up the listening skills, the reflecting skills, the asking question skills, it really was not "forcing". Basically, I created within myself a genuine interest in what she had to say. Whatever it was. On the romance end, I found things to compliment her about. Necklace. Shoes. How she looks when she is reaching for something on the top shelf. Little thoughtful gifts. Plus things around the house (where you dump your shoes every night, loading the dishwasher, cleaning around the sink after you shave, etc.) Next, I followed up by the occasional big romantic event (candle lit bubble bath, in my case). By itself, this did not work. Second, I saw a counselor who said to specifically, directly, and using plain talkin' words, tell her you need more sex than you are getting. So, as much as I knew she would have a bad reaction and push back, that is exactly what I did. Not an angry tone of voice. Not a neutral tone of voice. But a loving tone of voice: "I do so very much enjoy making love to you. I don't want this once a week. I want to make love to you six or seven times a week. Maybe four times on the weekend, and a few more times during the week". Initially, I thought I smacked my head into a brick wall. My wife resented my clear communication and said "No. I'm not going to just be a hole for you. And if you want to make love that often, that is what it will feel like to me." When it comes to matters of sex, women are not genetically programmed to be instantly open to new suggestions. So you then let it sit for a week, maybe two, meanwhile working on the communication and romance. Then tell her again!. Another two weeks goes by, then TELL HER AGAIN! (Lovingly.) Eventually, after about 3 to six months it sinks in. Women need to hear this clear communication over and over, for a period of months, before they "get it". Without being nagged on a daily basis, but with a twice a month reminder. During this time their subconscious mind will process it, internally. Remember, all the while you are being a good communicator, and keeping up the environment of romance. Eventually, she will respect your clearly stated opinion on this subject. In your case, in addition to clearly stating your desires about frequency, make sure you get all other desires on the table. Oral and whatever. Provided you have kept up with the communication and romance, you should be able to turn the situation around. It worked for me. I did not get all of my desires met, but we achieved a compromise that is, shall we say, "quite satisfying"! Oh, and by the way. All that communication and romance stuff? After a while it becomes pretty hot! Passion is a two way street, and an intense passionate kiss as you listen to the latest of whats important in her life, can be fun, fun, fun! - Marathoner55

Actually, that is OK. Unless you get a different job, you are going to have to work with him. People can be intimate, then decide they don't want to be intimate in the future, and progress to a different type of relationship (just friends, just acquaintances, etc.) This sounds very mature of him. He is telling you that it happened, he does not want it to happen again, but he wants to have a normal (non intimate) relationship with you. This is VERY mature. It sounds like you would be OK with continuing the affair but he would not, and that you "agreed" with his view not to continue. Probably a good idea not to fully disclose you'd like to continue, right after he says he wants to cut it. Slightly dishonest, but under the circumstances probably a good idea! But its only a good idea if you acknowledge within yourself that you want him, he does not want you, and you are not going to be put into the weak position of tellling him how you really feel. Have you looked within yourself and acknowledged thats what you feel? You need to ask yourself what good will come from volunteering to tell your husband. What are the pros and cons? Pro Yes there may be a benefit to opening lines of communication with him and improving the relationship. Cons But it also may backfire in your relationship with your husband. It could torpedo what is left. Plus disclosure may not stop with your husband if he blabs it to your co-worker's wife, so there is somebody else's relationship which you might be endangering. It is not an easy decision. But remember this: Once you tell him, you can't un-tell him. So don't rush into it. Feeling better about yourself will not come from letting him off hard or letting him off easy. You are hurt. You will feel better when you acknowledge your feelings, understand where you are coming from, and decide exactly how much effort you wish to spend, or not spend, on making your marriage better. There probably is nothing more to do. You had an affair. Its over. Your husband did not find out. The wife of the co-worker did not find out. You and the co-worker did not have a huge fight, but you did not kiss and make up, so you are back to being friendly co-workers, nothing more and nothing less. You are marching forward as a responsible adult, and so is he. The two big questions are: 1. How the heck can you move forward within your own relationship and enhance the lines of communication? 2. If your own relationship is crummy, and remains crummy, and on some future date romantic temptation presents itself again, what are you going to do? Here is what I would do: Make yourself a resolution to NOT give in to temptation until you have done everything possible to work on your relationship. Pick a time period and stick with it! For example, you can remain living like a nun for 3 to 6 months while you do everything humanly possible to rekindle the love with your husband. After 3 to 6 months if he's still about as communicative as a bump on a log, then reconsider your decision about giving in to temptation. But you will feel lousy if you have another affair BEFORE giving your husband a fair chance to reform and become a better communicator and more passionate, intimate life-partner.

I'm a guy. My lady and I went from just about as fast as each other, to the point where she takes about 30 minutes longer to have an orgasm than I take. This is due to a medical condition. We are still very much in love, but it simply takes her much longer these days. How do I deal with it? I follow the motto "Ladies First, Always" If sex is part of a loving relationship, and reflects the fact that I'm into her in a passionate way, I want her to have an orgasm. I love it when I give her an orgasm. It is an essential part of passion and romance. Here are a couple of specific ideas. Instead of waiting till the end of the day when he's tired, why not bring him to orgasm a couple of hours earlier? A quickie handjob before you go out for dinner and a movie, and then he makes love to you when you return? By that time he should be able to get it up again, but because he orgasm-ed a couple of hours earlier, he should last longer and be able to please you. Another idea: He lays on his back on the bed. You lower yourself onto him and insert him into you. Then there is stimulation of your little sensitive button (His fingers? Your fingers? A little vibrator he applies? Or that you apply? Experimentation is fun!). This continues until you orgasm. Remember, you are not lifting and falling to simulate thrusting, instead your orgasm is coming from the stimulation of your clit. Since you are not simulating thrusting, and since he is not actually thrusting (he is just laying there inside you) he probably won't come. Then you flip over and let him get on top, and he finishes. Result: Ladies first, but he is satisfied too! Next idea: He gets you off by giving you oral sex. After you have been satisfied, it is his turn. Every guy who wants to ensure his lady-love is satisfied needs to learn excellent oral sex skills. Put him on his back and put a pillow under his head, then lower your sex onto his mouth. He will be getting no stimulation, so he can't come first. - Marathoner55

If I understand correctly, he is a rather dominant man. Frequently dominant, alpha males in real life want just the opposite in the bedroom. You might want to think about some or all of these, to see if any of them are something you feel comfortable with. If they are, and if you proceed along these lines, make sure you have LOTS of communication. Not necessarily talking before hand (surprises are part of the fun!) but you definitely want to talk afterwards to make sure he is appreciative of you taking steps that do not come natural to you, AND that he is OK with these activities. Establish a pattern of these activities, followed (ALWAYS) by good, open, honest communication: 1. Playing scrabble, crossword puzzles, or some other game that you are good at. Only make it strip scrabble, strip crosswords or strip something else. When he is down to nothing and you are still fully clothed, tell him you still want to play. But if he loses again, with no clothing to remove, you get to impose a "forfeit" on him, of your choosing. Don't tell him what it will be. When he loses, you decide among these forfeits: A. He is "required" to read you your favorite erotic short story, out of your favorite book of erotic short stories. B. Make him perform oral on you, expertly, for ten minutes. And he is to get no satisfaction from you. C. Tell him you will penetrate his rear, with your baby finger covered in a condom with plenty of KY Jelly, for one minute. He has to lay down over your lap. Then do it. D. Tell him you are going to spank him, five swats with your bare hand on his bare butt. He has to lay down over your lap. He must say "thank you" after each swat and no complaining from him is allowed. If he breaks these rules, the five swats start over. If he breaks them again, they start over with a ruler. E. Same as item C, except you first teach yourself how to "milk" his prostate, which is inside his rear. You will need to research this on the internet. A complete "milking" relieves the natual male desire for erotic pleasure, leaving him unable to perform for at least an hour. 2. Introduce small dildoes into your lovemaking. Its mutual at this stage. He is to be stimulating you. After a few months when he is comfortable with it, buy a dildoe that is bigger than he is. Continue for another month. Then give the dildoe a name. Call it "Jim" or "Tom" something. Do this for a month. In the next month, when you are together in bed, change the way you introduce the subject of dildoe play. Instead of what you usually say, asked to be f***d by "Jim" or "Tom" or whatever the name is. Do that for a month. 3. Same as 2 above, but add one more month at the end, and then take it to the next level. Tell him you want to describe a fanttasy to him. Explain this is NOT a fantasy you want to actually act out. But you want to tell him this fantasy, in private, just between the two of you. If he says yes, then make up a little scenario involving someone flirting with you. The person has no name at this stage. The first day you describe this scenario, it ends with you being turned on, but too embarrassed to flirt back. Then proceed to the dildoe play. The next day you describe the scenario, tell him you flirted back, and proceed to the dildoe play. Keep this up each day until you get to the point where kissing is happening, clothes are flying off and touching in all the "right places" is occurring (in the fantasy scenario, of course). Then the next step is giving the flirty friend a name. Here is the part that might drive him wild (if he is into this, and since you said he is dominant he might be, so long as it is ONLY a fantasy). You give the flirty friend the same name as the large dildoe that you love. When the dildoe is inserted, scream its name. Tell [its name] how good he is. 4. Same as 3 above, but tell [its name] how good he is, and that he is Sooo much better than your husband. This is dangerous ground. Do not proceed to step 4 without some significant talking with him afterwards to see if he enjoyed it.

Is there any way you can get word to the mistress that there are rumors flying about the affair? Maybe thru a friend of a friend? I'm not so sure where this would go. I mean, if the mistress cares about him and his marriage, she might call an end to it. On the other hand if she wants him fir her own, she might be totally fine with the rumors getting out and ruining his marriage. I wonder if the mistress is married or single? If married, when someone leaks the possibilitiy of "heard on the street" to her, she might call it off herself, so as not to ruin her own marriage. What do other people think about leaking the rumor to the mistress?

Questions Are you engaged? (I did not understand you were engaged, by reading the previous posts in this thread.) If not, Have you spoken of marriage? Have you committed to each other that you are exclusive, promised that you are dating nobody else? Training vs Time for the Girlfriend I am married, (lets call her Mrs. Marathoner55) and am ALWAYS training for the next marathon, but I ALWAYS make time for the wife and kids. Marathon training takes an hour three days a week, 2-5 hours on the weekend days, and maybe 2 hours for one day mid-week. This is at the peak of your training. This is only 12 hours a week, out of 168 (7 days x 24 hrs). Stated differently, its only 7% of his time, at the peak. Normally its about 3% of his time. Basically, I'm saying that since he is NOT training 93% - 97% of the time, his training schedule does not excuse his failure to make time for you. Obviously that is 6-12 fewer hours for other things, but that can easily be fewer hours drinking, watching TV, hanging with his buddies, etc. Deciding to be Mr. IronMan has tradeoffs. He is trading you off, and that is a problem! Suggestion To change the situation (if indeed you desire to change it) will involve a discussion of what gets pushed aside when he spends this time on training. Mrs. Marathoner55 and I have had these discussions many times. We work on it. I'm do not always get my own way, and she does not always get her own way. But compromise (for the love of the other) is a sign of love in a relationship. I think the sitiation with the b/f may be salvagable. If salvaging it is your desire. Given the communication issues, is it your desire to change how much time he spends with you? - Marathoner55

At one point my girlfriend was 23 and I was 22. So there was a one year age difference, with the female being older. At the time, this was about a 5% age difference. We have been married a good long time. She is still one year older. So counting absolute chronological difference, the age difference is the same. However, on a percentage basis, the age difference is now smaller. I think this is good. I prefer older women. Even if its only one year older. - Marathoner55

You have reached into your heart and understood exactly why you are making this decision. That is SO much better than simply making a quick-pick based on an external standard, such as the b/f was there first, the b/f is too old, its not a traditional family, etc. Your decision comes from within. It is YOUR decision, and is the result of a process of YOU thinking about exactly YOU want. Because of the way you arrived at this decision, you own it. Its yours. I am confident you'll stick with it. No matter how young and cute he is, and no matter how adoringly he looks at you, you will resist because you are doing what your heart says you must do. You will be much more confident in your ability resist, because of your own pesonal journey in arriving at your decision. And this is definitely the right thing for you to do! - Marathoner55