super ian
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Hey everyone, need some advice about this. Its been 10 days since we broke up (talked about my situation in earlier threads). I have made it absolutely clear that I want her back. To summarize briefly, she is just done with all the stupid fighting, done with the way I treat her, and feels that even though she loves me very much, misses me like crazy, she just thinks it might be right to move on. I have maintained the fact that I never really realized how much she meant to me (yawn, sure we have heard that many times)... mostly because this was breakup number 2, and she came back to me first time around... I always had my doubts about us and was insecure, but now I am ready to "man up" so to speak, admit to my mistakes, take the blame, and realize that I want her. Anyways, obviously no amount of convincing on my part will make her give it another shot, so my question is: Do I delete her off my msn messenger?? I kept her on and we did chat 2 days ago, it was nice... yet this is when she first admitted that she is "not completely ready to just let go" of me yet. So what do I do? If I dont have her on my messenger then I will always be thinking about her, always wondering if maybe we are one chat away from getting back together..... If I keep her on, then I will be going through torture everytime I see her online... "should I message her?"... "wait for her to talk to me first?" btw so far, she has always been the one to message me first. however today (after not speaking since 2 days ago) I messaged a quick: "hey whats up" and she never responded... then went offline. Any advice? Should I just delete her for a few days, or keep her online and keep small talk going atleast, keep contact minimal but still there?
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hahahah something along the lines as: "yo bud, happy birthday have a good time. peace, your ex" hahah "bud".
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I think most of us (guys anyways it seems) have been in this situation before. I feel your pain, because the girl I loved told me in last August that "things werent working out" and I also found some text messages on her phone from one of her "friends" saying sh*t like "hey baby cant wait to see you again xoxox". When I look back at it now, I can see the signs, she does the following: 1) slowly yet surely keeps saying how she needs space and it would be nice to do things separate every now and then 2) no longer invites you out because shes just going out with "her girl friends" (that one really hurt when I found out that all of her girl friends also brought their boyfriends along) Whatever man we both fell for a sluuuuut. Thats the bottom line, there are pleny of girls out there that would do no such thing, and can earn your complete trust.
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I understand where you are coming from this (in the end it did turn out that he didnt really care about you), but just because guys do all those things does not mean they are not happy with you!!! In fact the ONLY sure way you can tell if I guy is not interested in being with you anymore... is if they STOP commenting on your clothes, your major, your cooking... because at that point they just dont care anymore.
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Ya when I asked to know the TRUTH... i mean the truth.... not necessarily from the person doing the breakup, because even they might not really know the truth.
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hmmm interesting.... I asked this question to know what other people felt, but in my mind I still would like to know the truth... 100% hold nothing back. I'm too strong to let the truth hurt me... however im not strong enough to block the thoughts of "why did she leave" and "will she come back"? out of my head.
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Guys/Girls, first off I want to thank everyone for this forum, I cant believe this stuff actually helps!! Heres a thought to get everyones mind off their ex.... if we had a way of knowing the WHOLE TRUTH about our breakups, would it make recovery easier... or harder? If we could all somehow know what our ex REALLY felt (not in love with you, interested in someone else, sex was terrible, ...) would it make things easier? Would everyone here deal with things better if they just knew that everything was over with and why? Girls (and guys as well) are always terrible at breaking up because they still care about the other person and dont want to hurt their feelings... but wont being 100% honest actually make things better in the long run? "sorry babe but I just dont find you attractive anymore, and well that brazilian guy Fernando at work looks kinda hot, I just want some free time to myself now" Or do we all want to cling to that hope... that hope that things might work out one day and that he or she still loves us....
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Guys if shes sees not "in love" with you then there is nothing to keep bashing your head about. People fall in and out of love for many different reasons: one of the ones being that they werent *REALLY* in love to begin with... but many other more complicated ones as well. I have had the "I love you, but not in love you" bullsh*t spewed to me before. She still cares about you because you have been a great part of her life, but well.... shes not in love anymore. hahaha i love the "how to break up" guide book. seriously how do you break up? honesty is always the best policy, but many girls, and guys as well, just dont want to hurt the other person and try to sugar coat things.
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I agree this has absolutely nothing to do with you or who you are. A similar thing happened to one of my good female friends. She was living with this guy for 3 months, then one day, no warning he just disappears. Turns out she didnt even know his real name. And this girl is very smart, really attractive, and has a great personality and is not insecure in any way. There are plenty of jerks out there, dont let this put you down. You have an extremely easy decision to make after all this!!
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Sometimes people ask for advice from other people just because they know what they want to hear. This means that she was almost sure about leaving you, she just wanted confirmation from someone she knew would give her the advice she wanted to hear. However, like I said earlier, if that isnt the case and she was actually influenced by her friends/sister/whatever... then she does not have a strong personality, needs to mature a bit more. Move on.
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If she lets herself to be influenced by someone else then she clearly has some personality issues. I dont know the whole story but I think she needs to mature. Leave her, move on with your life. In time she will realize her mistakes.
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I think the problem with both of you young girls is that you arent communicating or doing enough things in a relationship with your guys. Sure, they acted extremely nice and completely interested in you at first to win your heart so to speak, buts only natural that once he has you he wont show as much affection. Whats worse is that if you girls are not reciprocating anything, he might start feeling insecure and having doubts. You need to actually know if he still feels the same, talk to him, COMMUNICATE, or better yet why dont you girls show your affection as well??
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This nice vs bad is getting out of hand I never realized that people actually believe this even after they become adults and have had many relationships in the past. There is nothing wrong with NEEDING someone, and there is nothing wrong with feeling to BE NEEDED as well. Maybe some of you are too insecure to actually open up completely in a relationship and learn to trust each other and support each other 100%, and yes, need each other. You keep telling yourselves that its good to have "space" in a relationship, good to learn to rely only on yourself... but you are wrong and if you continue to do this you will only have half-hearted relationships, and missing out on the REAL THING so to speak
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Thanks man that was good to hear... I have to stay strong. Cheers!
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wow I've listened to ex factor a thousand times and never really listened to the lyrics... eery how they describe everything I am feeling right to the very detail. Good one, dwbh
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Oh ya we did talk. The morning after, then we agreed to talk at night. We talked at night, then a couple days, then I sent her a couple emails, and we chatted twice on msn. So clearly she knows my feelings, but she has maintained the fact that I shouldnt cling to any hope because it would just be thin air. The only reason I cant accept it... is because she used the same words last time we broke up... and well even if she made a mistake shes the type of person that would force herself not to say "you are right, lets give it a chance" due to her pride obviously.
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6 mos of break up update...still struggling!
super ian replied to dwbh's topic in Breaking Up Advice
You know what, to get over a breakup in August I found the easiest thing is to find someone else, just date them. Go online, whatever. I find it helps, yet I know most people will disagree. I dont wait until I get over a person before I see someone else, I see other people to help me get over that person. Many people have told me otherwise, but this has helped me in the past. -
Thats a very good point... the vicious cycle. This happened before, she broke up, I pleaded, we talked about what was wrong, we both realized what we needed to change but she didnt want to try, said she was finished. Then after 5 months I took her back, she was pleading, begging, telling me how much she needed me and her life was terrible without me. Except this time I wasnt really ready to try... Until she's gone. Now she's gone, Im willing to give it a go, and she doesnt. And I know in my heart that for SURE she will have thoughts about me again in the future, we will talk and yes she will realize that maybe she made a mistake. I just wish she would see this now, and not after I get over her.... not after the cycle has come round.
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well I wouldnt say that I gave it my best because i really didnt. as I have said before, I took her back when she came crawling back even though she broke my heart the first time. I keep telling myself that thats why I failed to give it my best, failed to realize that there were things that were breaking the relationship... i kept telling her "if it bothers you then leave" because I was unsure, stupid, a jerk, but mostly I didnt want to get hurt again. Why am I realizing all this now? Is it just natural and that because I didnt realize it when we were together then (A) IT JUST ISNT MEANT TO BE? Or (B) is it not really my fault because of the circumstances?? (me taking her back, having the power, failed to see any changes required, insecurity, etc). In which case if I see this now, maybe we can be good together. If its A fine... I will move on. But I cant help wonder about B
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Ya I keep telling myself that... but only because it makes it easier to move on, not because I believe that. If you have only have sympatical love for someone I dont think you would be naive enough to talk about kids, marriage, etc; because both of us have been through relationships so we are experienced.... we know what love is. As to the other part, "people can love eachother but not be good for each other" thats kind of a contradiction in itself to me. 1) if you love someone you love who they are 2) if you love who they are then you will be good for eachother 3) thereforeeee, if you love someone you will be good for eachother
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6 mos of break up update...still struggling!
super ian replied to dwbh's topic in Breaking Up Advice
Ouch thats not the kind of quote I would like to read... haha because its the opposite of what I feel (or rather what Im trying to convince myself). My ex and I are still very much in love and I fail to see why we dont give it another chance after we have learned so much from eachother, finally learned all the mistakes and the pain we have caused the other person, and finally learned and are secure enough to admit that we have no doubts about it. How do you know love is not right or good for you? When do you pass that crucial point between giving it another shot OR moving on? -
6 mos of break up update...still struggling!
super ian replied to dwbh's topic in Breaking Up Advice
I dont even need to read the whole story (i still did) but that right there tells me that you should move on. This guy is one of those guy that is never happy, always thinks the grass is greener somewhere else. You wont ever be able to have an honest relationship or even trust him. You know what the good thing about this forum is? Made me realize that its not just the girls that are f'ed up.... theres a more than GENEROUS portion of guys out there that also fit the bill... -
OK, I admit everyone thinks their breakup is different when in effect most or all the emotions and feelings we experience are the same. However when I read other peoples breakups I always see "love, but not in love"... "just doesnt have the same feelings"... "not ready to committ"... "wanted to time alone".... "not ready for something serious, wants to have 'fun'".... "cheated on me"...... u know the top 100 reasons. The ONLY solid advice one can give to the above is "move on, theres nothing you can do, its over!" Its a classic breakup with a classic solution... Why do I feel that my situation is so different? I still have problems trying to figure out why my ex wont give it another shot. My story is under post "2nd breakup..." but I'll summarize in quick points: She broke my heart last August, she ended things "for good". I got over her, yet she surprisingly convinced me to take her back in January. Said she was stupid, realized she cant live without me and we are stupid for not fighting through this when we have something so special. Things were going OK (lots of room for improvement) but I broke up with her last week. (more of a self defence mechanism because I was sure it was coming on her end). I called her the next morning to take her back, she says shes 100% done and wont even try anymore. I just dont get it. I read her blog today (mistake maybe) and she says "Im missing someone so much right now, even though I know im doing the right thing. I love him very much, but know that I did what had to be done I have to force myself to move on. Atleast this time I have the support from my family and friends... support I need to get on with my life and move on for the better" arrrrrrggggg.... if we love each other so much whats the F---ING PROBLEM. its like shes brainwashing herself, forcing herself to get over me, forcing herself to believe that not being together anymore is what is right. I just dont get it... 1 day before the breakup, we both told eachother how this is it, in it forever, marriage soon (agreed to get engaged in sep) and even kids eventually. Man she was almost pregnant last month and we both decided no intervention, no day after pill, no abortion, if shes pregnant we both want to keep it.... I could go on a huge rant about how much I want her back, how I finally realize many things in our relationship, how I'm sure things will be better, how I'm sure that I want to be with her forever.... but you've all heard those things before... from me and from everyone else on here lol hahah now i can only think cynically and be like "if only she was pregnant... then shed still be with me" relax... i dont mean that last sentence thats just sick... i was having doubts of our relationship sometimes as well, but now looking back i see how stupid i was... how i didnt see how much we meant to eachother.
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2nd breakup... loves me but thinks we are not good
super ian replied to super ian's topic in Breaking Up Advice
Thats a very good point and never thought of that before. Whenever she told me was unhappy my responses were either 1) I dont care, it doesnt bother me, so deal with it.... 2) if you are so unhappy why dont u leave... and then eventually... 3) Im not going to wait until you breakup up with me because of your unhappiness, we are done, I want to break up. damn its so simple, all i had to do was to say "yes i agree it bothers me as well and we should both change" thats a very good point EDIT: It might seem like I was an a**hole by using options 1,2,3, but if you read the whole story again you'll understand that I was blind, didnt even know that I wanted her, didnt take her back after the first breakup 100%, was still very insecure about myself because she might leave again. -
2nd breakup... loves me but thinks we are not good
super ian replied to super ian's topic in Breaking Up Advice
heheh i love the way you left out the other definitions of respect, just to prove your point: From link removed: 1 To feel or show deferential regard for; esteem. 2 To avoid violation of or interference with: 3 To relate or refer to; concern. My points were related to the 1st and 2nd definitions of RESPECT... without even needing to look up the definition I said that the connotation of respect implied a sense of restrain. Well I guess the connotation turns out to be more of a denotation as that is the way the word is actually defined. Oh ya and the parents/elderly/authority actually had absolutely nothing to do with any type of caste or ordination.