No Spaces Rob

The main thing that worries me here is that your friendship with her seems to be suffering. That doesn't sound good. I think it's fairly normal for her to want to know about him. You can't really help her heal, other than to be her friend while she does so. Try not to make her feel bad about what she is doing (looking at his myspace and stuff). It's actually pretty normal, though you could gently point out that she might be making herself feel worse by doing it. But please don't try to put pressure on her to do things or to not do things - let her cope with it as she knows best - it's not abnormal to have trouble coping even after 9 months, plus what you see as 'trouble coping' may just be your perception because you would cope with it differently. Be there for her, and let her talk to you about it all. Listen to what she says, more than telling her what to do. Be there for her, and make her feel comfortable talking to you about it. It may sound bad to you, but it's not all that out of the ordinary. If talking to you helps her, and you want to help, then listen. Of course, if you don't want to be her friend you don't have to. Do what is comfortable, but I would just caution against telling her what to do too much.

The easy answer to your question is that if it hurts, then you're not ready to become friends again. If you think about him all the time and wonder what he thinks about you, then it's probably not time yet. Because if you tried to initiate contact again you might get disappointed.

I don't know if I can help you with that, but I can at least reassure you that what you're going through is normal. It will take a long time, and you will continue to think about what could have been. Just keep reminding yourself that even though you are grieving for all the times you imagined you would have with her in the future, they wouldn't have been possible anyway. You got hurt. It's a fairly clear indication that she is not the one, even though you still love her deep down.

In time you will stop waiting for her to come back. If it's causing you pain, then it's bad for you. If trying to reach out to her, even just to view her myspace page, hurts you, then you need to stop trying that or you'll hurt yourself further. For instance you could remind yourself next time "I don't need to look at her myspace account because she is in my past." And you can then follow it up with something positive like, "I am a clever and intelligent man and any woman could see that if I let her". Don't feel dumb for cracking though. You're not dumb. You're just hurt. See the positive though. You're hurt, because you have the ability to love someone. That ability will make you, and a special someone, very happy one day. The reality is, things weren't totally normal for her perspective. She is likely to have bottled it up for a while before you found out about it. It's how it works - she didn't want to hurt you until she was sure of her decision, and although that seems really quite cruel to you, it happened and there isn't anything you can do to change it. Not everyone will do the same to you. You'll find someone who won't.

Your friend is being ridiculous. There is no rational explanation for her link between sexuality and cooking, and it seems as if she has some issues of her own. Why does she have sexual orientation on her mind, and why is that an issue for her? Why ought it to be an issue for co-workers? It seems like weird superstitious scaremongering. In our office both men and women are known to cook things and a number of us, me included, have cooked things and brought them to work.

I'm really sorry to hear of your situation. Living with her has to be awkward. If it hurts you, it's bad for you. It sounds like she doesn't really understand, and trying to make her understand is just hurting you worse. Hopefully she'll understand that you need some time to yourself, if you move out. I was in love with a girl who had simply couldn't comprehend that I could love her. And she was similarly cruel to me when I told her how how I felt. With your girl I think it's just part of the way she is coping with it, and not comprehending that you have strong feelings for her. It feels bad to be in love with someone who doesn't love you back. But it feels really horrible to be in love with someone who doesn't even believe you when you tell them and thinks it is some sort of deception. You need to move on somehow, and it will involve taking care of yourself without worrying about what she thinks, because you are the more damaged, and I can't see how it can happen without you moving out.

The change between then (going home miserable) and now (feeling self confident) is excellent. I am glad you're happy about it because it sounds great.

That doesn't mean you are too soft. It means you are a wonderful person. You now know that you have the ability to care for someone that much. That is a great thing to discover about yourself. You just didn't have the opportunity with him. But you still have it in you. And you know that caring for him isn't good for you if you know you're not going to get anywhere, and if it makes you feel bad for yourself. So you need to care for yourself a bit.

Lots of people say that. Don't worry that too much. I know how impossible it is to get her out of your mind. It's going to be tough, I won't lie to you. Smile more, and genuinely try to have fun. And when you think of her, think of one reason why remaining friends with her would be a bad idea, then move on. For instance, when I think of B, I think "well, remaining friends would be a bad idea because she could never communicate". Or sometimes I'll think "well, remaining friends would be a bad idea because I've been hurt". Just one little fact each time. Then smile, think something good about yourself like "I'm still a wonderful person, and anybody else would be lucky to know me", and then go back to whatever you were doing - tennis, computer game, driving, whatever.

Hey that was a really great analogy! I'm going to write it down. Thanks

My theory is that it is possible, but only if you are both willing to communicate and neither of you feel too proud or ashamed. It's easy to tell if it's not going to work out. If you still feel pain, then it's not working out. So in that case you really do need to do away with the friends thing. Give it 3 months and see how you feel about it then. If he does get hold of you, tell him you feel like you need to put the past behind you and let's leave it at that for a while. Tell him you 'need time'. If he doesn't understand that it's his problem. You need to worry about yourself. If he is an understanding person then that's great. If he has changed after 3 months, then make your mind up then about whether you want to be friends. Chances are it won't have.

Thanks for your help guys. I am taking it one day at a time. It is a bit difficult sometimes and I have a cry, but at other times I feel good about the fact that I am able to fall in love, and I am a really great guy that any girl would be lucky to know. I really wish I could get better more quickly than this. But I am getting better, albeit slowly. I really feel like I need to share my story with others, because it feels good to talk. But one day I'd like to not feel any of this anymore and just be neutral.

hello beaker, I am not a myspace kind of guy but I can definitely relate to everything else you said. What's important is how you feel about yourself. I think you are doing well if you are not blaming yourself for what happened. I think you are also doing well if you don't care what he thinks anymore. Now is the time to be self-centered I really wish I could make things better for you. I feel as if I am in a similar situation myself. There were lots of times when I thought the pain was all over but then something else brought it back. Each time that happens it will be easier to manage. Time will make things good.

"I like you too much to screw you around" was one. I really hate how she screwed me around.

It had been over four months since my heart was broken. I was in love with her, and she didn't feel the same way about me. But I still think about her all the time and find myself feeling angry, frustrated and sad. I'm really concerned that I don't seem to be getting over her. I have of course spent plenty of time with family members, and friends. They all seem to be sick of me talking about her now so I dare not keep raising the issue with them. Their general line of advice is that she is crazy and I don't need someone like her in my life. They advise me to forget about her and I have genuinely tried that already. I've been trying it for months. The situation is complicated, as it always is. We saw each other for a few months. She had a low self-esteem and never believed me whenever I told her how I felt about her. Then she no longer wanted to talk to me about it anymore, so I waited patiently for her, and she kept inviting me out to things, but cancelling at the last 30 minutes. And she kept promising that we'd talk soon and then cancelling that too. She also convinced me that my female friend was trying to ruin my life and I had a falling out with the friend, though we have since become friends again after I came to my senses. Then she told me she wanted to be just friends. That's fair enough, I thought. It'd have been nice if she had told me a lot earlier, but better late than never. It would be nice if she had told me in person, but I guess it's better that she didn't see me all upset. I tried getting her to talk to me face to face but she still didn't want to talk, but made plans to catch up at lunch time. She cancelled of course, and I followed the advice of my family and gave her some space. I tried to be friendly when I saw her, by smiling or saying hi, but I no longer tried to get her to talk to me or spend time with me. I did 'no contact' as much as was practically possible for two people who see each other every day. But on the occasions when I did meet her, I tried smiling and saying hello, just to be polite without pushing any conversation. However, then she started giving me the silent treatment and pretending I wasn't there whenever she saw me. It was painful, and I cried about it a lot when I was alone, but I guessed that she probably didn't mean it when she said she wanted to stay friends, and I was ready to accept that this being friends thing just wasn't going to happen. I was getting over her quite well when a few weeks ago I found out she had been talking about me behind my back to my female friend. She had told my friend that I had been mean to her, that I wouldn't talk to her anymore, and that I'd hurt her by not remaining friends and that I should apologise to her. I'm so hurt and angry about this. This was the female friend of mine that she hated, and had at one staged convinced me to hate as well. And she completely changed her behaviour and started 'opening up' to my friend and told her how 'mean and hurtful' I was being to her by not talking. I'm angry that she gave me the silent treatment, and it caused me a lot of pain, and she told my friend that I had been mean to her. I'm angry that she said she wanted to remain friends but went all weird on me. It "felt" so much as if we were going to remain good friends, because we got along together so well. So I am angry that all seemed to change. I'm angry that it's not good enough for her for me to just suffer from a broken heart, I also have to suffer from her trying to exact some sort of 'revenge' on me by giving me the silent treatment and speaking ill of me behind my back, even months afterwards. I'm also a bit awkward around my female friend, who has the wrong impression of me, based on what she said to her. But it just seems a little petty and backwards to argue about it when it really shouldn't matter anymore. Firstly, it's ridiculous that she should feel hurt by me. I loved her, and she rejected me. I think maybe that even though she wasn't comfortable with me loving her, she liked the attention I gave her and was angry that she couldn't keep having that. But for her to play the victim is cruel and horrible. Secondly, I have long ago decided that it is not a good idea to keep trying to be her friend, not only because of the way she has been treating me but also because it would be too painful for me. In essense I really just want to forget about her, and she has made this difficult by saying things about me to my friend, and giving me the silent treatment when I see her. I haven't seen her in a number of weeks now but there will probably be occasions in coming weeks where I will have to. I feel horribly screwed around but must of all I'm ashamed that I am still upset about this after four months. It has meant that a good part of this year has been wasted feeling sorry for myself and I need to know how it can end.