ChicagoGal

I haven't posted on here in a while, but I'm looking for a little insight or even just someone else's thoughts; because this situation is just about tormenting me. So I've been interested in this guy for about a year. It's a long story, but I basically spent 4 months in person with him at a place where we met. We didn't talk personally too much, but when we did, we clicked. He moved a little bit farther away for a different job, so I didn't see him. But we had connected and kept in contact through email. This was last December. So we kept in touch through email for an entire year when I decided to go visit him; he lives a few hours drive away. So I went to see him about 2 weeks ago, and it was great. I spent 5 days with him and we had a really nice time. And it wasn't just me who thought this; he thought it as well, because he told me after I got home. We click, we really do. And he knows I'm not a big fan of using the phone, and I know he isn't either, and since we had communicated through email for a little over a year now, it's just what we do. So all contact since I got back home was through email. He had friends coming from out of town to stay with him after I left (he didn't purposely keep them away until I left, it just worked out like that). So I knew he was busy with them. He sent me only one regular lengthed email in the week + few days that I've been home. He usually sends one every other night (sometimes longer, but not too often). It's not hard to figure out that I'm attached to him. The distance thing seems to be the biggest factor in my mind; there's a bit of an age gap too (8 years). I knew he was a little interested after constant contact through email, but when I went and visited him, I seemed to spark his interest in me a lot more. In the one decent-lengthed email he sent me since I got home included a paragraph of real sentimental feelings (which he usually never expresses to anyone) for me. It was very sweet and touching. But it's been 3 days and still, no email. I'm wondering if it is because I mirrored those sentimental feelings (not overexpressed or anything, in my opinion. I just basically said the same thing... how he was nice and fun and easy to be around and how I really enjoyed my time spent with him). I'm just wondering why he seems to be distancing himself. It's disheartening and I can't seem to work it out. Any help would be greatly appreciated! Thanks! Chicago Gal

The others are right, I should have probably told you to talk to him first, not just dump him. Do talk to him. I went on my own experiences, and talking to him didn't help. As I believe I am remembering correctly, you tried to talk to him and he just called you immature? That's what my ex did. He put a negative spin on everything did, and imagined that I was always somehow ''out to get him'', which couldn't be farther from the truth; I think his friend put ideas in his mind. Anyhow, I just remember doing anything and everything I could to make our relationship better... and it ended up with me sacrificing a lot so we didn't get into arguments and him not changing whatsoever. I really do think you two are in different stages, as I know you thought as well. And I think that the ''comfort'' you mentioned could be true, but it might also be boredom. And, again, that is not your fault in any way. It's probably just his personality. I think it's the same with my ex... that perhaps he shouldn't have a girlfriend (or at least not one for very long) and should probably never get married unless he plans on changing his ''me'' attitude, because he isn't a good relationship person. Try and talk with him, but he is probably very aware of his behavior (might have even planned it this way), but it will be the last thing he admits to. I know some guys who have actually treated their girlfriends like crap so that their gf will break up with them, and so the man doesn't have to be the ''mean'' one and worrying about the girl getting all emotional on him. It's sort of sick, but it happens more than you would think. I am doubting that he is unaware of his current behavior and that a talk will remedy this. But do talk with him first. And if you do talk with him, and he does change, but goes back to this same attitude... enough said; don't get caught in the repetative cycle. I think you are more deserving, personally. I know someone else mentioned this, but he might be a master of manipulation, as my ex was, but I couldn't see it without a trusted third eye. It doesn't sound like you are blaming yourself, which is good, and I know I keep saying this, but this whole situation isn't your fault. I blamed my relationship problems, and the final disolving of it, on myself for a very long time. And I really do want you to know that this isn't your fault and it's not your failure; it's his. I have met so many great men after him. My ex was my first serious relationship, and he was just practice. Now I am familiar with men and I can better cater to them (so to speak). My current relationship progresses beautifully because after dealing with a total jerk for a few years, being with someone with whom I feel I actually deserve is very liberating. I don't think you have ''met your match'' in your current boyfriend and I think the sooner you let him go, the sooner you'll find someone amazingly better suited for you. I hope I am not discouragnig you by suggesting you break up with him. If you feel you shouldn't, well, you stand in a better place to make that call. I just hope you seriously consider the advice all of your ''third eyes'' on enotalone. I think everyone else is right. BTW, I am also 19, so we continue in our similarites lol. Keep us posted!

You know what? I had a situation similar to yours... almost identical. Yep, pretty much identical in terms of length and problems. I will tell you this now. I know you probably love him, as I did my boyfriend, but he is acting very immature, and you may not be able to see how immature because of the veil of love... but trust me, if he is still with you now, he won't be for long; and it is NOT your fault. My ex, instead of being obsessed with games, was obsessesed with flight simulators (on the computer). And he broke up with me once because his friends told me to (well, just 1 friend, and I think that friend was jealous because he didn't gave a gf and he sorta liked me... but that's another story!) Anyhow, my bf broke up with me... at 1am, in the airport, after arriving from a 9 hour plane ride from Germany. I should have broken up with him long before. And after the breakup, it took me a REALLY long time to heal. But after speaking with the right kinds of people (smart and witty), they showed me and forced me to realize what an immature jerk I had been dating. And you're dating one right now. Please, don't continue down this path. Because, I am sorry now if I am sounding harsh as I am not intending to, but your relationship probably isn't going to last very much longer. And it's not your fault! You two are at two different stages. You need to find a man who actually wants to be in a relationship... with something other than his computer, that is. As I have found, there are MUCH better men out there suited for you. And you will almost certainly find one better than your current choice. In my opinion, from my experience, I say get rid of him before dragging yourself through all the motions; face the inevitable now, dragging it on will only hurt so much worse. I hope you realize that I am so familiar with your situation, and once you are without him, after the sadness and anger have passed, you will feel so much better and find someone who is the same stage of life as you are. (although maybe the whole sadness/anger thing is just me because I got dumped). I hope this helps and let us know how things go!

Well, it's hard to put on here exactly what he says that makes me know I am no one special. You'd have to know him, really. There are issues. First off, he was my teacher. No, not in high school, but in college. And he was a grad student (NOT a professor) so there's that added. The class was over last year though, and neither of us is still at that same University. Of course, neither of us is in a relationship or anything. He's not too much older than I, but the fact that I was his student one time makes it a little iffier (at least I think so). I have no problem with it, and the general "college" opinion is that we were *both* students, and being an undergrad dating a grad student is no big deal. Especially now that neither of us is at the University. But I think it would make it awkward for him. Which is the main (and pretty much only) reason I'm not pursuing it to anything more than a friendship, and also why I am not even going to try. Me doing that would probably make him very uncomfortable, and I don't want to make him feel that way at all. So that's my dilema. He's so great to talk to, though. He's witty, funny, brilliant, and he makes me think hard about things. He's made me so much smarter, confident, feel good about myself etc. that I'd really love to continue talking. The thing is, I have fallen for him and it does hurt to know that I can't really pursue anything. I just have to look on from a far. But is this healthy? Should I continue to talk to him even though (on some level) it hurts to do so? But ending it would feel bad too. I'm confused and willing to take advice.

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I know that I wanted my ex-bf to do it. Not b/c I didn't see him often, just for the heck of it what can I say? he was my hottie. Although we had a pretty mean breakup, and I can be a little immature at times, I wouldn't dare think of doing something horrible like making them publicly known or anything. But you say that you can't tell they are of you, so go for it \\

Well I knew men could get them instantly (and relatively easily)... silly, that's why I named the topic what it is

I'm female too. I'm just wondering... do you ever "sort of" orgasm just thinking about having sex with someone you love? Not a major one... and definitely not the same sensation as an orgasm brought on by physical means, but you get a sensation of absolute ecstasy, and it's just by thinking of having sex with someone you're particularly fond of in all the right ways? It happens to me. And of course, not every time I think of doing the deed with him... mostly if I haven't thought about it (or him) for a long time (about 12 hours) and then I realize how happy I am that I have him, instantly goes to the image of him on top of me, and bam. Just curious to see if anyone else has ever experienced it. Thanks!

I would only date a man who would talk with me about science and religion. The thing is, I've been with men who claim to "love to have a good, open debate". However, beware. Preachy talking, acting like you know it all, and expecting her to change her mind to suit your own are all bad. Also, sometimes it doesn't feel like a debate; it feels like an argument, which is something that would happen between my ex and I. It also depends on who you date. If you date a valley girl type who is too self-indulged, then yes, she's probably not going to care about topics that are unrelated to her. However, there are pretty girls out there who do love to talk about global events and science. Also realize that many Americans are very ignorant and unaware of the above mentioned global events. Good Luck finding her!

I agree with things said by others. I have been attracted to men my own age and well as men not my own age. I'm not attracted to them simply because they are older. The man I am currently attracted to is about 7-8 years older than I. And it's not that he IS a few years older, but just the fact that he is who he is. But I act a few years older than I really am (this statement has been said by others), and similarily, he can be a little immature so we're sort of at the same points in our lives maturity-wise. Other things come into play, as well. He's highly intelligent and our conversations are about religion, family, culture, society, government, etc. I'm also attracted to the fact that he isn't from the US (he grew up in a country that was Communist until the downfall in 1989) so the fact that he came from the other side of the world (and thinks very liberally) intrigues me and thrills me as well. But then again, this wouldn't fall under age-gap, this would fall under "why American women find European men so thrilling". He, being very smart, probably realizes I like him a little more as a friend, but that's all we are: friends. Ahh well, even if that's all we become, at least I am having the chance to get to know him. He's a peach, though!

Thanks, everyone! Yeah, I think we're at about the same maturity level. Personally, just going back to something Lily said, I don't have the kind of fun most people in their early 20's have. I don't go out and party at all, don't go to the clubs, don't get drunk for the hell of it, etc. I'm a very committed person, focused on going to medical school when I finish my undergrad. I think we're somehow in the same life-stages; *not looking for as much random, spontaneous "fun", but rather just enjoying the finer points in life Thanks for all of your replies!

I am currently 20 years old and he is 28. We met in college. I am an undergrad and he was a grad student. He left college to work. We still exchange emails after having met, just talking about family life, personal issues, etc. Nothing inappropriate. We aren't talking about a relationship or anything, but things are personal. Many people, family members especially, have said that I am really mature for my age, and this man has said it as well. It might be just a crush (I often find myself being more attracted to men a little older than I am). I'm wondering if 8 years is too much of a gap between a 20 year old female and a 28 year old man. I'm especially interested in the opinion of a man around 28; if your friend were 28 and he was dating a 20 year old, what would you think? I'm interesting in anyone's opinion though! Thanks! Crushing in Chicago