Batya33

So did I - (but this wasn't a date -it was a last minute catch up dinner and he was going to be leaving town again at some point) - I also spent time but less so for a first meet, depending on who/where, etc. I also liked the ivory girl look lol. I would repeat the mantra in my head "you are glamorous" as I walked into a restaurant because if I was nervous I'd be klutzy lol. Most people are turned off by perfect - especially if it looks like the woman is trying to be perfect. Or guy actually. It works for eye candy, for a trophy on your arm -but for sparking, connecting? Not so much. Even with little kids -I'll admire a toddler all dolled up till perfection but I'll bond with the young child who's obviously been having a blast getting dirty and is beaming and sparkling.

Letting this person sit next to you gives the impression that you consider him as not a customer but a friend or acquaintance -given his obvious issues of course. But it sounds like someone called the police.

I recommend the book Stacked and there are some good on line calculators to figure out how much of your salary should go to rent. In looking at your list - I'd reconsider the "beauty treatments" if you need to budget. Also consider co-pays for medical stuff and keeping 3-6 months of savings in case you could not work or lost your job.

When I met up with my husband 7 years after our broken engagement it was a last minute catch up dinner. So I didn't have my makeup with me at work. I was wearing a fitted gap t-shirt and pants. It was so bloody hot out. I looked quite plain. He arrived flushed and sweaty because he'd gone to the wrong restaurant and was late. It didn't matter. At all. Sparks flew. Surprised us both. Want to know what we talked about at length -how we couldn't stand how certain of our friends now sent holiday cards that were simply a photo of their family with a printed signature. We were like -should we take a photo of our latest creation - whether something we'd written or something else -and send that?? And..... yup we do the same now except we write personal notes on the back LOL. So that was our deep convo - and we shared chocolate pudding -he insisted I share his. We reminisced, caught up, etc. It wasn't really flirty, there was some banter (I'm really good at both) - it was a platonic dinner. But sparks flew. See -it doesn't need to be this whole show of makeup and banter for sparks to fly. It's fun to banter and flirt - it's a good thing -but as long as you show up on time, look nice and act nice and make good eye contact and have interesting things to say - it's not rocket science because either you will click or you won't - you won't if you show up as unkempt Debbie Downer of course but please don't think you have to entertain your date to that extent.

My story as I wrote to you could be spun that way. It's a fun perspective on how we got back together and fell in love again. I think it's such a silly saying. It won't happen if you're desperate and in your 30s it won't happen unless you're out there and proactive not waiting for "least expect it". Proactive doesn't mean desperate. People who exude desperation won't find someone and somehow someone transformed that into "least expect it" as if swinging the pendulum the other way means 'least expect it." I was proactive and wanted a lot of what you wanted - although we differ in what I was looking for as far as higher education - but yes financial stability!! The other benefit of being healthy and fit is it will help you a lot most likely with getting pregnant and having a healthful pregnancy, and also then you'll have the good habits to get back into shape post-pregnancy. Also please know that it doesn't matter if your friends are "all married" - what you are asking for is a A LOT. A lot. And there are no guarantees you will find the right person. It is a lot to ask to find a man you are in love with, who feels the same, who wants to marry and start a family with you. It might look so easy and sometimes it is -it was for my mother, it was for my best friend from high school back then, etc but mostly no it is not easy. At all. It's not "but alllll I want is a husband and kid and a house!!" It's a lot. It's hard. It's so totally worth it -all the effort, tears, aggravation, stress, the restraint it takes not to come on too strong and overwhelm a new guy in your life, the self-talk it takes because every insecure part of you comes out when you're over the moon and you just simply cannot react by being clingy or needy. Do all you can to be out there - I made suggestions as did others.

I like how Lambert put it and I think you want to be careful about being his work coach - have some boundaries yourself about how much unsolicited advice you give him about how to interact at the work place. I've never worked for a company or heard of one where employees pay their own travel expenses related to business travel.

I did much much better at dating in my 30s than 20s for these reasons: 1. I was more established in my career and managing the crazy hours better -more time to date, showed more confidence when I spoke of my career. 2. I lived in a major city teeming with singles and many of them in their 30s/40s. 3. Better hair products. No I'm not kidding -I had frizzy hair and the products improved so I could go curly or straight but without all the frizz. Back then the straight sleek look seemed to be a big hit with men. (Who knows).

Clean and sanitary yes - that has nothing to do with decorating. I know lovely decorated homes that are unclean and/or don't feel comfortable to hang out in. Not the interior decorating and how large your home is and how well appointed and all that jazz. I know very very few men who would see that as an asset and some would see that as a negative -like you're already all set up, you're particular about what you like, and where would he fit in?

Thanks so much for the update. I'm so glad someone called the cops. I understand why you do this job and why you won't leave but the situation of no one minding the store so to speak and no communication for a week is very concerning safety-wise for staff and customers. I'm sorry you are in that situation.

Do you want to find "love" or do you want to be in a relationship where you are inspired to give love, you act on the giving and it's returned? Finding love is abstract. The most important part of loving is giving and to me in a marriage the most important part is giving love that maintains or grows the commitment of marriage (or in a long term relationship the commitment). It's great that you're improving your health and fitness. It's essential. I wrote to you that when I dated in my 30s it was much much harder for women who were overweight. Fair? No. But reality, absolutely. I'll repeat what I've written to you before as to how to meet people - volunteer backstage at community theater. You did cheer? Then do something like swing dancing or salsa dancing lessons. Volunteer elsewhere like at your place of worship where you interact with people. People set up other people on dates -I still do -been doing it for 40 years now - so meet people - married people, single people, men, women who are like minded through volunteer work or dance and put it out there not in a desperate way but ask if they know any single guys and if you can reciprocate with a single guy who's just a friend to you. Keep the pity party about being single to a minimum. Go to weddings but cut wayyyy down on this expensive nonsense about bridesmaid and planning showers and event planning around baby making, weddings, etc. It's a waste of time and hanging out with women who are into that sort of thing -especially if you already know them - isn't likely to lead to husband prospects and you're wasting time that could be spent on what I suggested. If you go online -keep the chatting to a minimum -a few messages back and forth, a safety screening phone call do a first meet in a public place, move on if there's not a first real date. I dated hundreds of men. I dated on and off for 24 years. I was proactive about it. I did all I suggest to you -I did not do the community theater part but several of my friends and my ex boyfriend did and I saw how many awesome relationships started. And do this health and fitness thing and focus on maintaining your results -maintaining is really important because if you start to backslide - if you slack off from exercising and eating right (meaning -who cares if you gaine a couple of pounds back) especially in a relationship your partner will still love you etc but it's kind of not fair and might be a source of stress (unless the weight gain is due to pregnancy or you're taking hormones to try and get pregnant). If your partner meets you as someone into health and fitness, be committed to maintaining those values especially if he is into it as well. Also you focus a lot on your "nice home" -I get that you love decorating and you're proud of your home. It means almost nothing to most men (sorry if that is sexist). Most men will only care that you're independent and live on your own in your 30s, can pay your bills - you're not going to be valued because your living space is attractive. The guy might enjoy spending time at your comfy, well appointed home but it's irrelevant to whether he'll be into you and see serious potential. I lived in a major city in an awesome neighborhood in a high rise for 15 years starting in my late 20s -tiny apartment, old furniture, I worked crazy hours and I did care about having nice linens, comforter, towels and a comfortable large bed but that's it. The end. The reason men were attracted to how I lived was because it meant we could walk home from almost anywhere, they didn't have to drive me home or go a long distance to date me (because they also lived in the city -teeming with singles) and the fact that I had a doorman meant I could leave keys for them if we were seriously dating and my building had a gym so if they stayed over there was that. I'd never mention in a dating profile that you have a nice home and enjoy interior decorating unless it's a site geared to June Cleaver types.

I used to ride in my male boss's car for 4-5 hours at a time. I didn't drive. It made sense for me to go with him. He was married and I think for most of that time I had a boyfriend. I was in my 30s and he was in his 50s. No biggie.

I wouldn't use the grieving part as your excuse -or at least not focus on it - and it's also not really the whole truth. Just tell her you're sorry for any inconvenience but you realized it's not something you can invest the time/money in right now particularly since you're not up to it given your recent loss. I remember being flaked on by a friend where we spent weeks planning a get together -one on one - including transportation, time, location, endless planning for her to cancel on me the morning of because her friend was having a really hard time that day and "needed to emote." I can handle cancelling because of an emergency but after all that time planning and accommodating her schedule um....nope -not an emergency. I realize you couldn't have anticipated your loss but it comes across as a flimsy inauthentic excuse - would be different if it conflicted with a memorial service or funeral. JMHO.

Maybe he's on drugs? Can you say something like "my supervisor has noticed us talking quite a lot and she said I had to stop because it was interfering with my work so I'm not ignoring you but if I don't respond that's why"

Both of you took the risk that keeping things as friends with sex when you both felt horny meant too much of that sort of history -or baggage -for the switch to flip all of a sudden to actual committed relationship. This is not the movies. You benefited from keeping things vague until you didn't. Her "eventually" was still really vague -after all those years. Red flag. Eventually? As they said in Harry Met Sally "when you realize you want to spend your life with someone you want it to start right then" (or something like that). I think she didn't expect you to say "eventually?? how about now??" I mean come on -two friends who have intercourse have no need to read signs/be vague about what each really wants, right? She did that family thing realized she'd misspoke/wasn't feeling it and now feels awkward because she can't unring the bell -can't undo what was said and discussed. I'm sorry it didn't work out.

LOL! True! I like the old saying about "just walk beside me and be my friend" -I don't need people copying me and I don't want to set a trend (although secretly I would like to set the trend of moms using kitchen garbage bags to cover an infant car seat checked at an airport instead of wasting $$ on those silly car seat covers so each time the question is asked on my huge local mom group on Facebook I advocate strongly for garbage bags!). I had a ton of media attention for a couple of days when I was about to turn 15 (for a really good reason!). I adored being in the spotlight. I was awe struck. I enjoy public speaking and was able to do it for the first time in years at a large event for my son. I've been around celebrities, had real conversations with them, addressed audiences including celebrities, etc. But these days - 40 years later or so - I don't crave attention like that, don't relate at all to the people who post photos of themselves on facebook for the adoration of their new haircut or whatever. One of my dear friends died of cancer a few months ago. People including me were drawn to her like flies. Was she cool? Yes she was. But they were drawn (and this was mentioned again and again at her recent zoom memorial service) was because she kept it real. She was the queen of accessories -really fun ones, she was spunky, flamboyant, and not attractive in the "traditional sense" -more like Barbra Streisand - but she was my friend, mentor, boss for awhile and my son's first babysitter. Had she been a trend setter on purpose or wanted that (she didn't) I doubt we'd have been as close - or that I'd trusted her with my baby son or my career. People didn't want to copy her, they wanted to be around her because they felt heard. A person who seeks to set trends, who enjoys when people copy them likely doesn't stop long enough to make sure people feel heard and comfortable in their own skin around them. I miss her. I reconnected with her daughter who is in her 30s so we can reminisce about her and so I can try to be there for her as her baby grows. Thanks for listening.

Yes so when you meet someone who is unavailable it hasn't happened. Because people in committed relationships can't date others. That's the point. This is all about you and your choices not just happened. You chose to interact and flirt with someone in a committed relationship. I'm glad you made the decision you did. It's better to default to accountability rather than "it just happened" - your screen name has baby in it. Things often just happen to babies. But you're an adult.

What's also strange is the emphasis certain people place on "cool" and the equal emphasis on the silly label "nerd". I much prefer genuine to "cool". A person who is cool can be genuine too of course but my focus is on meeting genuine people. If they're cool too.... cool!

It doesn't mean nothing -as I wrote -it simply doesn't have the meaning you wish it had. Big difference. He may just like the attention he gets from interrupting your conversations - he gets a reaction and it's amusing. As with young children often negative attention is preferable to being ignored. I offered to buy a man ice cream during our trip to Europe this past week. With my husband and son standing there. I just wrote that -so...let's see. Might the man have thought I was trying to be flirtatious? Sure he might have - because people ascribe all sorts of meanings to communication. The meaning was - he was an employee at the tourist information center, we asked him where his favorite ice cream place was, he told us, told us how to walk there and I said "thanks so much - can I bring you some ice cream?" He smiled and said thanks but no it's fine. Perhaps he thought I was trying to flirt. I wasn't but I could see where he'd ascribe that meaning. You're setting up this weird dichotomy where if he didn't mean to flirt with you it means "nothing". That is why I and the others believe you're trying to do whatever it takes to tell yourself he is flirting and he is therefore romantically interested in you. To the point that if it wasn't flirting it must mean "nothing."

Think about if you were dating him and he acted with another woman just like he is acting with you now. How nauseous would you feel if you knew? It's not at all about girl code. It's basic common sense you learn in kindergarten or earlier. Basic ethics. Even if he breaks up with her and asks you out I'd reconsider because he is right now behaving inappropriately for someone in a committed relationship.

Yes! With the constantly changing covid restrictions we almost couldn't go. And even though we could, even though we fulfilled all the modified requirements, there was still so much confusion about all the changes that we were stopped twice as a family and once with one of us because we were told we needed certain forms (no, we didn't as that requirement had changed) and there was proof needed of the timing of one of our boosters (also it turns out not needed although we had sufficient proof and fulfilled the old requirement). Sigh.

Yes - that would work. Question -your friend who passed away (I am sorry for your loss!) -what would that friend's advice have been -would she have wanted you to honor your commitments or justify leaving to grieve? You might find that reaching out by helping the friend you promised to help might help you process what happened better than being alone or with your boyfriend whose attention likely is focused on his parents right now. And I totally agree - going on and on about this valuable 10 year friendship is inconsistent with your venting and complaining about how awfully she's treated yo.

I find it telling because of the contextual comments you make about your sex partner. As per Wiseman's comments too. I don't think it's semantics at all - especially given the context. Totally fine if you disagree and it sounds like you'd be comfortable being called a boy. We can agree to disagree- I've seen countless "track records" -labeled as such ... until the person meets the right person. Anyway you're not dating her seriously nor do you wish to so it really doesn't matter.

Oh thank you!! The heat -not complaining too much -I am so so thankful we were able to go!! - hampered our time there - I hated having to drink so much water and be constantly on the hunt for a WC LOL. My men can hold it in much longer it seems. I always drink tons of water but I focused on downing even more. We were so fortunate to be there -it turned out -for the festive and interesting changing of the guard ceremony near Lisbon -it's only once a month! - and luckily the heat was not as intense that morning.

I also agree don't assume. I've seen on Facebook people start "meal trains" for families in need -sometimes it's financial or it's medical - one family member is ill and the other needs to care for them and has no time to shop and/or hospital bills are mounting. Especially with leftovers. Many years ago I lived in a high rise and I'd bake cookies a couple of times a year -a lot of them. So if I knew a neighbor I'd leave a little care package of home baked cookies with a note "enjoy" or something like that at their door. That's fine - obviously it's a gesture, a treat with no assumptions other than "I assume you likely didn't bake yourself cookies today here are some from me". Another anecdote - my mom used to work in customer service for a major company in an office tower. One day many years ago it was freezing out and she left the high rise to go to the subway station. She saw a vendor selling steaming cups of coffee and she couldn't resist. So she bought one and managed to sip it while walking in ice puddles. She finished and was still holding the cup, wind blowing, her hair likely a mess, all bundled up and likely not fashionista-like although my mom is cute and trim lol. A well dressed guy walke by her, paused, and dropped coins in her empty coffee cup and kept walking. She was mortified! Don't assume.

It doesn't mean nothing -everything has a meaning. People move towards pleasure and away from pain. So what it means is at that moment he felt a benefit to himself from interrupting you and getting your attention. You want it to mean that he is interested in you romantically - just because that's unlikely doesn't mean it "means nothing". He might be interested in having intercourse with you again. He might want you to know that so he stares at you. But who cares what it means. The facts are you are someone he chose to have sex with in the past and he has never asked you out on a date or pursued a romantic relationship with you and he also might still have a girlfriend. So consider those facts and consider that it's a royal waste of your time to analyze whether he remains sexually attracted to you.