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Everything posted by Batya33

  1. To me ghosting is when you’ve gone on more than a few dates and you don’t want to see the person again. Then if it’s safe to do so I think it’s important to tell the person where you stand. Or if you were previously friends and then go on a date then of course friendship shouldn’t end with “ghosting” even if there won’t be another date. I think it’s fine to stop responding to online messages or to not respond to being asked to meet in person or for a first date or second date etc. I’ve had bad harassing experiences responding to invitations for another date. For me silence meant no interest. That was always fine with me if we hadn’t been dating regularly. That is one reason I think it’s silly to text a lot before or after meeting for the first time. It creates expectations about staying in touch even if there’s only been one meet or not even one meet. I was ghosted by two good and long time friends this year. Separate situations. Both baffling - both leaving me speculating as to why. In one case we’d just had a long and good conversation. In the other we seen each other in person after a long time and there was a health related situation with my child but I have no idea how that would prompt her going MIA. I am really hurt by their behavior. They don’t know each other. One is on social media. She didn’t block me but rarely posts. I don’t think ghosting is limited to dating.
  2. Yes - I'm so glad you shared it with her!
  3. Then you have to work on changing your mindset. The worst reason to be with someone is because you think there are no good people out there. To me personally you’re with the right person when even though you know that technically (since you haven’t met all the people on our wonderful planet) there could be someone even better out there for you you don’t care because you’ve found yoirveprson, you are happy and in love with and love that person and even if someone offered you the hottest guy who was also successful and a great catch you’d say “he’s cute but I found my person and I’m done so thanks but no thanks. Do not play that game with yourself or others that this is the best you can do because other men you’ve come across seem like losers. That’s so unfair to everyone. Can you imagine telling your child to pick a partner that way?? And by the way you’re wrong. Several of my friends are with awesome people they met recently and one just married a guy she met on line a bit over a year ago. In his 30s or so. When they were dating he was totally fine when her young daughter threw up in his car during a road trip and he doesn’t have children. Can I say keeper lol.
  4. I was going to suggest prenup too and o hope this isn’t splitting hairs but it’s one thing to have a prenup where there is trust but let’s say other people to protect like ones children or family members etc. another when the core reason is lack of trust of that person. That would make the marriage seem tainted and why bother.
  5. The lying to his friends would make my stomach turn. Also isn’t he risking one of these friends seeing a different school on the resume ? I agree it’s also the way he lies - it’s shady. And I’d assume he also does other shady financial things.
  6. I disagree about the expense and of course some children have special needs and can't be kept busy by siblings, etc so it's a hope for the best expect the worst. I completely agree that hand me downs are preferred -even if money is no object - I never understood why anyone would insist on everything new when the children grow so fast. We had hand me downs other than those that weren't safe to get -meaning crib/car seat in many cases might not be up to safety standards, expired etc. We could have bought everything new and people sent us so many hand me down everything because we had a child later in life. So awesome to have all those things (well except maybe the underwear that had other children's names scrawled inside lol). He is 9 and we still love hand me downs. OP - think about who would be most supportive - and to me those would be people who know you, care for you and at least one or two who also can be more "objective" -in quotes because, well, this is an incredibly personal decision. If you do have a religious figure you trust, go to that person. I consulted religious advisors not about pregnancy but about very personal decisions having to do with deaths in my family and some of those people also have psychology or social work degrees. Very helpful. I also would reevaluate as to adoption if you possibly can, as an alternative. I am pro choice but not for myself - I personally would have had an abortion only maybe if life/death or if the baby had a fatal/terminal defect. Maybe. I never had to face that situation so I cannot say and won't speculate. I only was pregnant once in my life other than some suspected "chemical" pregnancies.
  7. I just wasn't sure what the issue is and they are not married right now, anyway so I'm not sure how that works with pre-marital assets. I would at least look into it. I agreed I didn't like the lie. I had a friend who lied about finishing her grad degree -she was a few credits short. She got all the way to offer stage at a dream job that didn't require a grad degree but then she realized they were checking everything so she came clean. No offer. I would think that's pretty typical.
  8. I don't understand why it matters so much to you who he registers his car under since it's his family -not yours. I cannot stand the lies either -on your behalf. So just for perspective I have a friend who is married for over 20 years to a guy who confessed a lie to her in their first 6 months of dating -to impress her he said he started college at age 16 but he actually started at the typical age, 18. She was mad but understood his insecurities. Honestly, I wouldn't have liked it at all . I do not think he lied about anything else all these years -I think she would have told me and he seems to me like a person of integrity and helps so many people with his volunteer work, etc. So you never know. Also this is his mother not a friend so perhaps his family -or yours- may lend you guys money to buy a house, etc. If that is not ok with you then I suggest you two have a serious talk about finances and financial goals before moving forward. Are there other issues here? Sounds like there might be. I'm sorry about the lies -I would be upset too.
  9. Do you think you forgot to close the door because having your friend there distracted you from your routine? I find I’m a creature of habit so if someone joins me in an exercise activity etc it really throws me off. I’m glad she enjoyed her time and I was feeling stressed when you said she was late for her first lesson - well almost- and her lack of knowledge as to how to approach the horse. Still it sounds like a really positive experience.
  10. Why are you so focused on analyzing him and why he is addicted? What relevance does it have to you right now as to whether right now he is a compatible partner? Sure, if you want to help him and suggest appropriate resources then knowing the root of the issue might help. You two are not married and do not own property together or have kids together so maybe instead tell him to contact you if/when he has recovered and if you are still available then you will consider dating him again. I don't think it's going to help for you to play therapist in this situation and be the one to "save" him - especially if you have future goals of wanting a long term relationship and perhaps a family. I wouldn't invest more time like that if I were you.
  11. I didn't get this sense in the OP's post -she seems to assume-negatively -that he and his family are "workaholics" and that he is one as well. Also he's already signaled to her he doesn't want to be the provider in the relationship. I also don't sense she wants an easy life that way-she works full time, is working on an advanced degree and would want to work full time taking care of any children they have (i.e. she doesn't seem to want to hire a full time nanny so she can not work and have leisure time and let someone else care for her child). She said she wants to be a full time mom for at least awhile -that is not an easy life, the opposite actually.
  12. You don't have to give "hints" except in rare circumstances where it's a coworker (so he might need a real hint so as not to risk offending a coworker) or if you declined a date with him and then changed your mind -then no hints -just "hey I should have said yes when you asked me out"- If he needed 'hints" he wasn't that into you. And if you knew he was involved with someone else then sharing those feelings isn't the most friendly, let's just say. I'm sorry he didn't feel the same and since it wasn't really a friendship -you wanted to be with him so certainly you don't want to hear about his other women, who he is into, etc - then it really can't continue out of respect for his partner. But no it wasn't your fault as to why you two never dated -he simply wasn't that interested in you in that way.
  13. Yes. It's the something you chose that is the issue here.
  14. That makes sense and that is inspiring -good for you! (hanging in, little sleep, hectic situations but it will all resolve soon - nothing life threatening lol)
  15. When I was her age and also when I was 16 I preferred head in the clouds and feet on the ground - it can be done and then you get to enjoy the excitement too. It's not like she's moving in with him or sharing her limited edition pint of ice cream with him.
  16. I think you go to the cheater first and tell the person that if he or she doesn’t come clean you will tell the person being cheated on.
  17. So after you make out with him you’d be comfortable with him telling you about some cute girl he’s interested in making out with and how he’s going to pursue her? Or telling you about what he finds attractive in other women and about his past crushes ? Imagine after making out you’re cuddling with him and he starts sharing all of those things with you just like a female friend would. Is that ok with you? It doesn’t matter if sex is always on your mind. You don’t have to act on it. When my friend’s daughter was a teenager she had sexual arrangements with a number of different men because sex was always on her mind too. She got chlamydia and probably hpv. In her mid 20s she met her future husband. And she was so scared to tell him about her stds because he was quite traditional. Luckily he understood but it really could have gone another way.
  18. Yes of course diagnosing yourself with a mental illness is silly. And meaningless. Magnesium supplements are thogijtvto help moods (also helps stomach issues) but no a vitamin doesn’t help a mental disorder. It can help your health and help you feel calmer. His self medicating is not dangerous depending on what the “vitamin “ is but it’s also not helpful. he is being honest with you that his exes found him so hard to tolerate that they thought he was mentally ill. They could be wrong or mentally ill too but he’s basically told you who he is. Your choice to stay. If you do it’s inconsistent with wanting marriage and family and it’s consistent with being desperate and afraid of being alone. Imo. You can make a better choice and stop playing games with yourself.
  19. Of course you feel uncomfortable. It often is. It’s your choice to weigh the pros and cons because wjstvyoire doing now is not working. You choose to back out. Make a different choice. Promise yourself you’ll donate the amount the session sold hsve cost you - the actual cost not insurance - to a charity for each session you back out of. And if you promise yourself to make an appointment and instead make an excuse come up with a penalty amount - like $20 if that would hurt and put it on a donation jar to donate for later. Don’t allow yourself to make excuses to take care of your health.
  20. One of my former friends thought she should tell me my boyfriend was cheating on me. And wanted to know if it was ok if she became friendly with the person. Thing is that he wasn't cheating because we weren't exclusive and I didn't want to know who he was dating and vice versa. So because she told me, now I knew, now I knew she wanted to be friendly with her and now I knew this woman thought that she was serious with my "boyfriend". So please be careful before sharing information.
  21. So recently I learned there is a famous historic cemetery in an interesting area a few miles from where I live. I saw the outside when my friend took me to lunch near there and she told me there is some kind of halloween tour there maybe? Anyway it never occurred to me as to whether dogs should be allowed in there but she encouraged me to try to do a tour of it. So I guess if it was a scheduled tour and dogs were allowed you could bring your dog. Otherwise I wouldn't if there's any chance people would be visiting their loved ones/ having a burial.
  22. So if I remember you chose to meet a woman who was just curious and not sure about wanting to be with a woman -and you got hurt. So maybe partly it's your selection process? That's great that you bought a place and that you are exercising -so positive! People are always busy and that doesn't impede meaningful friendships in the least. I was always so so busy when I was single and now that I'm married. And i make the time to have meaningful friendships. I got married later in life (42 as did my husband, also 42) and dated for many years -it was hard! I do not believe there is someone for everyone and I do not believe in "fate" etc. I believe that we can greatly increase our odds of finding a good match by not getting in our own way and becoming the right person to find the right person. Also by being out there, doing volunteer work or an activity you're passionate about that involves other people, and being a good and active listener. When I was single I had married friends, single, older, younger, men women. Same thing now that I'm a married mom except that I rarely go out at night anymore which isn't great for an active social life but it's ok. I just joined a new book club in my building and started going to events hosted by a women's networking group even though they are at night - I try to go every other month. I moved to a new city in 2009 and it's not easy to start over, that's for sure! I met some really great people through online sites and several of my friends met their spouses that way. I think it's harder to meet other lesbians -just a smaller number, right? One of my friends is a married woman -to another woman -they reconnected years after high school, where they first met! They have two children, one biological and one adopted. They are awesome people. They also got married later in life. I wish you the best and I'm so glad you're taking these steps to be fit and independent!
  23. You are not being paranoid. This is a stranger or nearly one and while he probably is telling the truth there's always a risk when you only use a condom and no backup method anyway. I'm not sure why you're going out with him again because even if he wasn't going to penetrate you unprotected he probably should have told you he was taking the condom off so you wouldn't be surprised.
  24. Yes. I wouldn't have met him in the first place and be thankful you avoided going back to his place and now it's done. Sorry this happened!
  25. You misunderstand. I mean that if you ask him to get lunch, it's just lunch -it's no big deal. If it's that big a deal to him that he says no and runs away than either he is not available to date or not interested in dating you -either way you'll know. I don't think I'm playing devil's advocate at all. I think you're reading far too much into this situation and making a ton of assumptions about why he's not asking you out, all of which will make it much harder for you to suggest lunch and get your answer. If he almost freaks out by a ride in the elevator then most likely he is not available to date or date you. Asking him to get lunch will resolve it once and for all. Or, you can do nothing and decide it's not worth it. No biggie either way. I married a very shy guy who worked in my company but on a different floor and in a different department. We met and spoke three times at company events and 9 months after we first met he got up the courage to ask me to lunch. If he hadn't we most likely would not be together now, married and with an awesome child. That is why I'm a fan of you asking him to get lunch to see if there is any potential in the future to go on a real date. I don't care how casual his office is. It's an office. It's his job and you don't work there. You're an outsider. No matter how personal they are with each other he is still an employee there -he's not going there to hang out and shoot the breeze. It's how he makes his money and that might affect whether he's willing to date someone he has to see in the building regularly even if you are at a different company. Just wanted to clarify -good luck!
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