Batya33

I don't think he's the bad guy. I think his approach is a mistake because it's not in the best interests of his children for one thing.

I started saving in 1997 after paying off my grad school loans. In 2001-ish (maybe 2003??) I bid on a consultation with a financial adviser at a benefit auction and he took me on even though I didn't have the minimum in assets he usually required. He was so so helpful in helping me invest properly and safely. When he left the industry maybe 5 or so years later he referred me to his advisor who I have had ever since. Also with a major financial institution. He and his team have also helped me make safe investment decisions fully and individually dependent on my specific needs and factoring in my age (mid 50s) and goals, etc. I'm a saver, like my parents are/were and like my husband is. Always have been. It's a very good feeling to have built a nest egg when I worked more than full time - and I highly recommend it. It's given me so many options since I then decided to be a SAHM for a number of years and return to work part time while I handled the bulk of the child care (husband works more than full time plus was a student for years until a few months ago plus travels a lot). Never too late to start and that book I recommended will help. Good luck and I hope sharing helped (and yes I've had a CPA assist with my taxes for probably the last 25 years or so).

I haven't read this but read a number of comments on it. Seemed appropo, maybe??? The Rise of Lonely, Single Men | Psychology Today

Then you cannot be her friend. Friends are supportive of each other finding healthy romantic relationships and you'd walk away if she did. That's not being a friend.

Women haven't needed this for decades. Nothing new under the sun. Also do not date if you really think this little of women that they're focused on some abstract notion of "alpha" when choosing who to be serious with (not go on dates with -many women -myself included - certainly have gone on a date or wanted to with a man because of what he looked like or because he was famous or whatever - but choosing someone to be in a serious couple with - that's a pretty offensive statement you've made and part of being in a relationship with another person is respecting that person). People who are single are by definition "voluntarily single" even those who really want to be married (as I did). I chose to be single until I met the right person to marry. If you mean women choose to be single as opposed to settling - I mean -of course -so do men. I would not have married a man who wasn't financially stable and who didn't share the same financial values, work ethic and sense of ambition with me - I was not looking for a financial provider or breadwinner -that person was me -I provided for myself and if my husband could not work for some reason I could provide for the family no problem. And would do so with joy.

I recommend the book Stacked by Birken as a start (it's co-authored). Welcome back! I'm sorry you're having financial issues!

The women who do that -who know of the red flags - choose to ignore them because they're not available for a healthful relationship. No need to be jealous of someone who makes that choice or jealous of a person who is a victim of abuse.

I think at her young age despite feeling passion for you the having a child so soon after meeting (and an unplanned child) plus her decision to get drunk and choose the consequences -whatever that may be when she gets drunk -were choices triggered by the insta-relationship and the rocky relationship. I'd cut it a lot of slack for the sake of your marriage and family.

Well no -not being able to remember what happened because of alcohol is not social drinking -so maybe this was a one time thing. You chose to have sex so you chose to potentially get pregnant - I make a point of this because it sounds like you're brushing aside the drinking issue and -you're a grownup, a parent, a husband -really? You don't take responsibility for choosing to have a child (you said things were rocky so I'm not sure if that was when). I have a child. Love doesn't "take you" in any direction as far as procreation - you know the birds and bees as well as I do. I was just wondering if at the time of the incident you were married yet/had the child because that does factor into the seriousness (obviously you were very serious and together despite not having taken vows yet!) Is it somewhat of a theme with you to kind of brush aside choices that affect your life? Is it possible that you kinda sensed that night something was amiss but brushed it aside- including your fiance/mother of your toddler being so drunk and not just "socially drinking?"

I mean sure that's the cliche and it has some truth to it. Really has nothing to do with this situation. And it won't "work" as an abstraction -if you make specific changes in your life so you're not going to be tempted to chase after someone who so obviously isn't interested in interacting with you much less dating you - that will help you better assess who is someone you should be dating, pursuing to date, etc. I just don't think telling yourself in a light switch kind of way "ok! now I'm going to approach all relationships by showing I am a happy fulfilled person looking for someone to date" will have any real impact. It's about living a daily life not based on being "happy" "with yourself" but actions that reflect you treating yourself and others with respect, kindness, compassion and thoughftulness in very nitty gritty ways. I had to do that in two specific ways before 6:30am this morning -it was very hard for me in one of the ways and I made myself react in a giving way to my husband (who was still sleeping) but not sending an email venting about a situation outside of his control when he has so much work right now. I acted in a giving way and I had the benefit of feeling good despite it being hard not to vent. That's how specific I suggest you get.

From the time line did you already have a child together at this time? Reason why you waited to marry? Does she or did she have a drinking problem? I echo what Reinvent wrote. I know it's a shock and I agree with what she wrote as to your reaction.

All of what Fudgie wrote is great. I'm highlighting this because there were many men I declined to meet because I sensed this on the phone call. Many others I declined to meet again after a first meet for the same reason. I too could always tell. I met around 100 men in person through online dating sites in my 30s, more prior to that via personal ads.

I am impressed -FWIW by what you wrote and your self-insight and awareness. I got easily turned off when I dated by feminine/affected/squeaky voices - not so much "unmasculine" just distracting/irritating/off putting. Honestly I think voice lessons can help that a lot- But I'm not sure how much of that can be controlled. One guy I dated for awhile who spoke in a very effeminate way (and yes I thought he might be gay) - dated hundreds of women through online dating sites (he said so) before meeting his wife in his 30s. He's also a highly successful exec and always has been -no I don't think she married him for his money at all. I set him up with a number of my friends and they too were put off by his voice/mannerisms. So it depends if it's just voice or other aspects. For example some people speak in a very affected way because it reflects their arrogance. I'm a fan of monitoring ones own tone, word choice etc with the goal of making others feel comfortable in your presence -whether a friend, a customer service person, a romantic partner. Do you work on your social skills in any way? Again your self-insight will help you a lot -it's a great initial step.

And there's not always an overlap between attractive physical features and the chemistry between 2 people.

No we just disagree on the way to approach self love. I didn't say you suggested positive affirmations. Especially given his penchant for abstract negative generalizations I don't think the first step should be what you suggested. It's too vague and abstract IMHO given his mindset - basically a nonstarter. To me it's about doing not viewing. Sometimes even faking till you make it. For example I wasn't feeling the love this morning and I made myself do what I do every morning around 5am. Work out. That triggered the positive feelings. Getting on the treadmill was the first step. I respect your perspective of course and that it works for you and others!

I’m not of fan of “loving “ yourself unless loving means giving. Giving yourself opportunities. Giving yourself actions that reflect good physical and mental health. Giving yourself tools that calm you down so you can regain perspective when fearful or anxious. Giving yourself learning and exposure to learning like reading a good book or going to a book club, going to a lecture on an interesting subject , doing a volunteer activity that forces you out of a self absorbed shell. Today I lost perspective because of sleep deprivation and stressful situations that cumulatively felt triggering. So I resorted to my 4-7-8 breathing. I chugged water instead of reaching for a cookie. I angry folded laundry to put my tension to a good cause. I spoke in a modulated calm tone to people who were unreliable in fixing our major appliance. I showed myself I was strong enough to withstand the temptation to lash out in some way. That’s self love. Not the abstract repetition of positive affirmations —for example. Those help but not as much as showing love through actions and giving to yourself or others. Tough love is good. Show yourself you’re bigger than those silly cliches and nonsensical negative generalizations.

This is all very odd to me. Why doesn’t he want to hang out with you to watch a movie even if he has to move in 3 weeks? You didn’t ask him out for a proper date and he’s an adult who can watch a movie whether or not he has to move in three weeks. He’s never told you he’d like to date you if he had a proper job. He’s making excuses IMO. I’d back off. And don’t ask again even if he doesn’t get the job.

Right -negative generalizations are safer for you. Why not make a different choice. You are dead wrong. I highly recommend volunteering backstage at a community theater -I've seen so many friendships, relationships, marriages flourish from that experience even though I never personaly did it. When I needed to meet people I was out there being proactive. Volunteer work, singles activities, going to events at my place of worship, meeting people at work and through work, setting people up on dates-having them reciprocate. Yesterday I went to an event at my son's brand new school. I knew no one. I approached and spoke with 6 different parents. Were they all enhthusiastic to meet me and friendly? No. Did I expect this? No. Have I experienced cliqueness? Many many times over. So what? I was goign to do my very best to reach my goals and not let silly things like fear and self-pity and negativity get in my way. Up to you.

Also please know that wallowing in anger and self-pity often is much easier and safer than venturing out and risking feeling rejected. Your choice.

What are you doing to meet new acquaintances and friends?

I don't agree with you. People who have attractive physical features may be very insecure. I had many first meets and dates that went nowhere.

Why are you lonely? Do you have friends?

Score as in sex/a date? Sure maybe. I thought you were talking about committed couples. No -being attractive looking is a guarantee of nothing. Feeling rejected is part of dating. For me it was worth it because I wanted marriage and family. Otherwise it would not have been. I would not have dated a man with poor social skills or whose physical features repulsed me.

Why are you settling for this situation? Are you desperate?

That is why I wanted to know if he has done this before/if it's a pattern.