Batya33

Yes this and before I read this I was going to ask the same question as far as being a role model for your daughter. When my husband and I started dating again after 7 years broken up as engaged partners we were then going to be long distances and also knew relocation would be on me for his career. So as of getting back together we discussed how this could work. I actually gave him a few US states I would NOt live and he didn’t like those either. Point is I knew right away what the conditions were and his career would take priority. I respected him and us for ironing this out right away. Plus we both wanted marriage and a child. Neither of us ever went back on our promises and even though relocating was hard for me after 43 years in a major city we were married and had a baby on the way and 100% supported his career and I still do 17 years after that conversation. I knew my boundaries. You by contrast are settling for scraps and taking dangerous risks financially especially since you’re a mom. I walked your walk to an extent which is why I mention my story. Good luck

It's not automatic -don't tell yourself that -it's a choice and you learn to make a different choice - I used to be wayyyyy too chatty in my 20s/early 30s. I had to learn - with a lot of work and effort -to be more appropriate socially. (Ironically it was my future husband who gave me this constructive criticism on new years eve 1997 I believe and I took it to heart and changed and found people liked me a lot more and more importantly respected and trusted me a lot more -overly friendly/oversharing results in people being concerned you'll also be indiscreet with their info). I didn't gossip but I got chatty when feeling nervous/insecure and I also overshared. It's not nice to be overeager and it's not nice to expect someone to be your friend because you act in a nice or kind way. Too nice means you're self-absorbed -you're being "nice" to get approval mostly instead of from a position of confidence and just being a good person - with the benefit of approval way down on the priority list. It's not a compliment. It's totally doable to act more appropriately -you just have to not allow yourself to indulge in this "but it's automatic" -we all choose how to act and react in situations like that. Certain things are knee jerk - like reacting out of fear if you're attacked, feeling chills if you hear a certain song. What you are describing is a choice. Make a different choice with the goal of improving your confidence and the comfort of people around you.

Also what do you mean by ghosting? If I am friends with someone and we text and chat regularly for months or we get together regularly for lunch and then there's radio silence then yes, ghosting. I don't think your former neighbors ghosted you. I was ghosted by a few friends and a close friend and it hurts. But I also examined my role and decided in those cases I'd done nothing wrong and they were the rude/thoughtless ones. Other times I'm more aware that I might have been off putting or my stage in life might not have been compatible with theirs anymore.

I don't really understand this. It doesn't sound like you two were close friends. It sounds like you had a common interest/bond over your pets and you bartered pet sitting services. Sure it would have been nice for them to tell you they were moving away but why? Once they weren't in close proximity were you going to drive there to pet sit or expect them to come to you to do the same? The common interest was over. It was an acquaintanceship. It was neighborly of you to give them gifts and say goodbye- were you really expecting them to keep up the acquaintanceship and invite you to their new home? (I wouldn't have gone to those lengths with the gifts by the way but totally fine you chose to). 14 years ago my across the hall neighbor was a woman probably in her late 60s. One day when I was very pregnant, exhausted and stressed about getting to work on time she appeared and asked for my help with something. She wasn't ill. Not an emergency -I was abrupt -I was stressed. I said I couldn't -I had to get to work. From my memory, the next time I saw her I apologized profusely and she was gracious and accepted my apology. I think I reached out to see if I could help in some other way. My son was born -a newborn -she bought or made him a lovely little baby blanket. She loved to see him when I took him to the elevator. So so sweet of her. I think she appreciated how after that abrupt exchange I apologized and tried hard to be a good neighbor. We moved two months later. I think I told her we were, I think I said goodbye - but you know what I don't know. Want to know why? Because our interactions were based on proximity and how we could help each other and her graciousness and thoughtfulness with the baby gift. It never would have occurred to me to try and stay in touch or to even imply that. Neither did she. I think you need to examine more closely why you have these expectations.

I'm a mom and not a single mom but did tons of solo parenting after I moved to a city where I knew no one -leaving my family behind in a city I'd lived in for 43 years. I had no family help at all. My husband traveled a lot including to help his disabled parents in our home town. 800 miles away. I didn't work outside the home till my son was 7. Had I tried I would have had to hire and pay sitters/nanny/use daycare etc -all expensive and especially now with the pandemic hiring caregivers who are reliable is so very hard to find. You are so very lucky to have your mother's help. It was so hard and scary sometimes having no one. (Now he is 13 so that is easier of course since I can leave him alone for periods of time to do whatever I need to get done and the young child illnesses faded, etc). If you increase her commute that could be a real challenge for her as well as for your child. If your child gets sick at school she'd have to drive further to pick her up, etc. I'm sorry and my advice is put your children first. Make sure you and he coparent the two year old . Make sure you have all your ducks in a row as far as child support since you two are not married -especially because of that. He is choosing his geographical preferences knowing it does not work for you or your child. So although your children always come first, I would choose their comfort and best interests now .I'm sorry.

Why do you choose to act in a too friendly way? Are you good at reading a room or situation as far as how to make people feel comfortable around you? Do you think others see you as fake or forced when you choose to act or react like this?

I don't see this as being a friend - it's friendly, thoughtful, compassionate, and kind. It also can be part of a friendship. But being a good human being because you expect close friendship in return doesn't make sense -be a good human being because that's who you are and wish to be. It's fine if it makes you feel good too but expecting friendship in return or specific actions reciprocally -that's a recipe for disaster. I for example stopped spending time helping fellow parents on my mom groups on facebooks who need referrals to professionals, advice about work situations or work transitions, referrals to people who might be a good fit for jobs, dating, travel. I do love connecting people. For many decades now -I am almost 56. But I found many of the women either didn't respond after I spent the time finding the right name or community or resource and/or were too demanding/high maintenance. Some didn't say thank you. So now my boundaries are - I ask myself -how much time will it take and will the person I am referring -who I do know - benefit or will I benefit as far as future networking with the person I am referring. I mean -duh -not everyone is a good fit for friendship especially close friendship -why would anyone think that friendships are easy to find? But not from a cynical view -just common sense! But doing good deeds/being a good human -while part of friendship on both ends- doesn't mean it will draw people to you for a close friendship. And not because that person is a good person -there simply might not be enough in common. Friendships are hard to find, and even maintain. I think they're worth it and I am sorry you are struggling this way.

You didn't ask me and I recommend not having any view of her social media or staying in touch with mutual friends except those who will be 100% cognizant of never mentioning what she is doing/who she is seeing, anything she said. I don't think that increases chances of her wanting to date you again but if you stay in contact it will hurt you and it will greatly decrease any chances of reconciling, particularly the risk of creating bad history/baggage. Also she will be turned off/disrespect you for settling for scraps.

Oh I read that wrong -I thought you meant you care that he is interested in you working full time as opposed to part time.

Not if their ex acts like a doormat and stays in touch and shows them that they're willing to settle for scraps. It's not a good look and a real turn off. I married my ex fiancee. I know I wouldn't have if when we broke up and cancelled our wedding he'd begged to get back together and stayed in touch and let me go on about how much I "loved" him but somehow couldn't remain committed.

She may not know the truth. She knows she does not want to be with you, for whatever reason and the reason she gave seems true to her. Low libido and anti-depressants mean nothing as far as interest in trying to date other men, flirting with other men, dating other men. Be prepared for hearing all about this if you choose to stay in contact.

This is total nonsense. A person can respect himself or herself AND enjoy getting loving attention from a romantic partner or a parent or a close friend. It's not either or nor does someone need space from a romantic partner for this reason. A person who feels he or she is depending too much on another person for validation and wants to find a way to feel self-respect would never leave the other person to do this if the person valued his/her relationship. Rather, the person who valued his or her relationship and also wanted to improve with personal growth would look to resources that would help that goal. That person might: do volunteer work, read self-help books, get involved with his/her religious community, see a therapist, make friends with people who inspire him or her to act in a self sufficient or confident manner, etc. But a person who values his or her partner would never risk even suggesting that the relationship must end so that he/she can pursue self-love. Similar nonsense about fate. Please. A person who values his or her relationship would never risk relying on "fate" to "find your way back" and risk losing their special someone to someone else. She's being "honest" about not wanting to be with you. She is being honest about wanting space from you. She is being honest about feeling uncomfortable about how much she depends on you to feel desirable. But it boils down to -people move towards pleasure and away from pain. If she valued you and your relationship it would cause her much more pain to leave you than the pleasure of what she says is being able to learn to love herself only by being apart from you? Please. She'd maybe consider this but she wouldn't choose to actually do it. Know that it's highly likely within a month you will see her dating or trying to date others or pursuing others if you stay connected on social media. So give her twice the space she seems to need and let her pursue her lofty goal of learning to love herself without getting validation from you. Don't worry yourself -just accept that her psychobabble nonsense is -even if she is lying to herself -that she's just not valuing you enough to stay with you. And who wants that?

But if you're focusing on your child's mental stability isn't it a bit distracting from this goal to focus on some fantasy connection with a man because "he keeps coming back to me?" - and wouldn't it be really confusing to her if she sees you with this man or hears you talking to him while you're married to her father?

What's wrong with flirting as you did? He might not want to date you but that doesn't mean it was wrong to flirt, get to know him, etc. What could possibly be wrong? When I was exactly your age I flirted a lot with a really cute guy at a weekend college retreat (well then maybe I was 20). Like a lot. We were both completely sober. I thought he was interested and for one of the first times in my life I asked a guy out -and not only that I asked him out as in did he want us to be an item . We didnt kiss or touch or anything. He said he was flattered but no. The next day I saw him with another girl on our retreat. She was objectively prettier than me and cooler and more popular. I was really upset and jealous. I never ever thought I'd been wrong to flirt with him or ask him out. Why would I?

I'd give it one more chance - and getting dinner could be seen as a casual get together. Make it more date like. I would say ball is in her court -people who want to see you will reply with "I'm under a work deadline but may I let you know by Friday what's going on - hopefully I'll be done by then!" But give it one more chance since you were so casual.

A few weeks ago my son and I spent "quality time" together - in a foreign country we'd never been to -we had a day long adventure I spent a lot of time planning and prepping for. It was the classic quality time experience social media parents fawn all over complete with pigeons feasting on our leftover lunch at a cafe outdoors with a guitarist in the background. He had a blast. I had a blast. I didn't post social media photos cause it's not my thing but I could have. Yesterday I finished a marathon project at work that had lasted 5 days plus. I was exhausted. Grueling and stressful. I clicked send and it felt sooooo good. Within ten seconds my son said "want to read together now?" Ten seconds. Did I want to? NO. I wanted to breathe, to zone out on Facebook. But I made a choice. He's getting older and often prefers video games to his mama. So I said yes. And we read together in his room for about a half hour. I enjoyed it a lot. So did he. Is this "quality time?" No, it's just time. It wasn't social media or photo worthy like my planned Portuguese adventure. It's what caring people do for each other even when they don't feel like it. Had he said "do you want to have a Deep Talk right now about our hopes and dreams - or go for a run together in the humidity -I'd have probably said no. I mean I was fried. But sometimes you have to marshal up whatever you have left and say yes to your loved one especially if he doesn't know what you've just been through. Or say yes with a condition "how about we just laze on the sofa right now and I'll take a rain check for the run -maybe tomorrow? But it's not quality time. It's just called -a relationship. But here's also the thing -do you want your partner to feel obligated to spend time with you? If you get the sense that he feels obligated but doesn't really want to - that's not an issue of quality time, that's a relationship issue. Now if instead he says yes because he decides to prioritize you over being exhausted or needing space that reflects caring (even if it's partly a sense of obligation). But that's still not "quality time." Time is time. Stop trying to categorize it and label it and if you feel that compunction that tells me that something is amiss -because when you're comfortable with someone you don't keep score like that -you might say "you know we never go bowling anymore -why is that?" - but it won't rock the core of your relationship where you start feeling like there's no "quality time."

I think one issue might be your harping on this concept of "quality time" - a concept that to me (especially as a parent) has become overblown, overused. To me it seems simpler -you like to plan and do activities and he either doesn't prefer what you have planned and/or in general is more of a homebody than you. Which is it? Also he might be experiencing you as clingy/needy for attention rather than "quality time" -meaning time where you two are having a good time together whether you're focusing intently on each other or watching a favorite show, etc. Do you two have inside jokes and laugh together? Do you try to initiate Deep Talks about The Relationship with him when he is distracted or enjoying a video game, etc? To you that might be "quality time" and to him -it is not. Like someone else wrote, more info is needed - throwing out an abstract concept like quality time is not enough.

Why does his interest level matter -is he going to help you find full time work - send out your resume/network on your behalf/ drive you to interviews, etc?

Yes it does work well for married couples. So retain an attorney and perhaps a CPA and have an agreement drawn up that covers what is yours, what is his -and know that a joint account means he can take it all out if he cares to and if you're not married you're basically out of luck. Would he be willing to set up a retirement account for you in your name or a trust fund -if he's so committed to providing for you perhaps he would. Neither of you wants to marry which is fine so invest in creating a marital like agreement for financial purposes.

What kind of job is this that they are this in each other's lives and space? The standard is not waiting to see if someone does something to "break their trust" -it's having a foundation of trust -feeling comfortable and at home with the person and not feeling like you have to check who is at the top of his texts. I have no idea who is for my husband -my sense is his male cousin as they text incessantly when their favorite sports team is playing - but I've never checked his phone (we've been together 17 years) and I don't check his computer, He travels for business constantly, he has evening work conversations with both male and female coworkers, business lunches and dinners and sometimes one on one, etc. I don't ever see it as "well he hasn't broken my trust-yet- so it's ok". What a debbie downer way to live! This woman is not the problem -your boyfriend is -she has awful and inappropriate boundaries -that's on her. The problem is your boyfriend is not telling or showing her what his boundaries are. Even if he were single, he's playing with fire professionally.

He knows it's safe to keep hooking up with you when he feels like it because you're married -it's not technical - you are still married, married people cannot date. You're married "for your child" - married people often prioritize finances or their child over being divorced and single. That is your choice to be married and it is not your choice to date right now especially since you have a child to be concerned about -you are the role model when it comes to ethics, values, etc. There's this really hard thing called child custody -you need a lawyer for that often -but that is how married people with children get unmarried and also act in the best interests of their children. It's hard but doable. If you're telling yourself it's not doable then there are other reasons you are still married. This man is unavailable to you. He's not that into you, and you're not available to date. So I'd stop imagining that this connection means that you're compatible for the long term. After you've been legally divorced for a year perhaps see if he is single and interested. Start over then. If there is this strong connection it will still be there and also have a strong stomach because he's cheating on his girlfriend while kissing you and willing to date a married woman - so be ready to feel nervous and clingy.

She is really busy with planning her engagement party and dealing with all the details most likely and you complicated the RSVP process. I agree with Catfeeder. I've been on her end of things -as far as planning gatherings and dealing with nitty gritty details and having someone act in a very high maintenance way as far as whether they could make it, under what conditions, back and forth etc. Not re: my wedding (didn't have reception, party or showers, didn't want) - but with similar people who complicated matters with high maintenance requests, oversharing about whether they could/should come and under what conditions etc. I can't imagine how much more stressful it is if it's a big engagement party with an upcoming wedding. Well I can to an extent. Apologizing is hard. Watch the Fonz on Happy Days try to do so. Iconic. So what. Lots of times doing the right thing is really hard. I've been in that situation several times recently and I had to pull out all of my tool box whether it was walking away (meaning to avoid being rude -not to avoid owning up), genuinely apologizing (and yes it bordered on feeling -how did you put it -simpering? admitting my fragility) - or lots and lots of self talk before I said or did something I might regret. Each time it doesn't get "easier" but I amass more tools that I learn through this process -meaning which tools actually work and which are meh.

I think you should ask her out on a proper date and see what she says and avoid asking mutual friends/gossip. When I reconnected with my now husband (after 7 years not 8 months though - and for a platonic catch up dinner -he was visiting his hometown which was mine as well) I had recently started dating someone too. We didn't speak of it for the next almost month because we met up 3 times platonically. Meanwhile I kept dating the other guy but could see in a couple of weeks that we weren't a match. So when my husband asked me to get back together, I stopped dating the other guy (although I would have stopped anyway). I had no conversations with anyone about his dating life -he told me he'd recently ended a one year relationship and told me why. We've been back together for about 17 years and married for 13. If she says no you'll have your answer. I wouldn't discuss feelings -ask her out on a proper date you plan in advance. She'll then know you are interested in dating her.

See loving as giving more than as a feeling. And make it your business to give in a way that works for her. Even if it means giving space. (And if you bring home a plastic bag from the chain pharmacy and your wife asks if it’s candy but it’s really her birthday card purchased early totally lie and do that sheepish look ….. but also buy her candy. ASAP. Ok a girl can dream.

When I first saw the question I didn’t think “alone” meant not being in a relationship. I took it literally and will answer that way. Feeling happy (whatever happy means to you - could be an adrenaline rush or peaceful or content - whatever it means) comes from enjoyment of what you’re doing - or of doing nothing. Sometimes it’s work to figure it out. But worthwhile work. And not imposing your interpretation on others. How? If you’re not already happy with your solo activity or solo nothingness make it your business to explore what imbues you with light with a sense of rightness. Example - I work out daily alone mostly because it’s impractical for me to coordinate with anyone else or attend a group class but I’ve discovered over many years I am happy working out solo. And I’ve declined opportunities to meet up with a workout partner. I love walking with others and hiking but my morning exercise - I’m quite happy solo.