Batya33

How awful. This is a person who is kind to animals - interesting -I guess he reserves his kindness quota for animals instead of children.

I didn't need a ring or a ceremony as far as trust or level of commitment. I wanted it because we deeply believe in marriage -both religiously and otherwise and because it enhanced our commitment and I think it's better for a child and we both wanted to try to conceive a child (or potentially adopt). The government is helping me not interfering. I wouldn't have married anyone who had a cynical view of marriage. Our son who is 13 loves that we are married. He likes hearing about how we got married, why (and he was there- I was pregnant -which not why we got married). I don't care if anyone else chooses marriage nor would I give my input unless asked. I have friends in sham marriages/loveless marriages and friends in long term relationships who are committed forever and it's obvious the depth of their commitment. I personally always wanted marriage no question. I always wanted marriage to someone who valued marriage and would never dismiss it as just a piece of paper-how silly IMO. Sometimes my son says he's not sure he wants marriage and I tell him that's fine - and also you're young so you have lots of time to consider marriage and relationships and all of that. He is happy with that response. It's from my heart. I didn't fall in line. I always affirmatively wanted it as did my husband. I don't buy that the date on a tradition involving commitment like that matters at all especially since there is so much room to write your own vows and for the couple to define their own relationship and boundaries. What I think is outdated is women pretending for the last 50 years give or take that they're fine with casual sex and they can have fun having casual sex just like a man. Not all women. There are women who enjoy casual sex, who don't experience downsides to it (except maybe STDs, or trips for the morning after pill if that is their thing), who are not lying to themselves who are not trying to fall in line and be "cool" about it as some kind of feminine power statement. Those women very often grasp at euphemisms to define what they're doing so they can continue the lie. It's really damaging. In long distance relationships, those women who lie to themselves then hide behind a screen, typing and talking to someone who uses geography as an excuse too so that they can meet up occasionally for a vacation type fling or hookup and feel like they are jet setting and having adventures and ignoring any growing emotional attachment. Yes it's more often the woman who gets attached. And always the woman who risks pregnancy and if the man is long distance and the woman doesn't want/cannot have an abortion, ummmmmm. There are women who would enjoy that sort of thing without lying to themselves- getting flown to another city or country for a fling, a vacation, not having to get close because it's impractical and having fun perhaps being wined and dined. For sure. I think it's rare. And it also informs my opinion.

I think marriage or similarly long term relationship for an LDR or the time and $ etc isn't worth it. My marriage wasn't an end goal. It was a goal that was the beginning of a different level of and type of commitment.

I get that you quit the most addictive game but your personality with the games is addictive so it's like someone like me who can eat too much sugar if I don't keep an eye on it saying "well since cookies are my downfall it's ok if I switch to cake" - because if you're honest with yourself it's far more global than this one smartphone game -that might have been the worst of it sure but you're playing with fire. I do get that it's social when playing with friends -so since you're not addicted what I would do is figure out how many hours a day you game and then limit it to less than an hour per day. I'd fill one of those hours with some form of cardio exercise -at least 30 minutes (an hour meaning - get ready to go, go, come back/shower). It can be running, power walking, a class at a gym, the treadmill, whatever. Another thing I did during real lockdown was monitor my online time (other than what was essential for work) and I doubled or more my reading time (real books not online) and shut down my phone/computer earlier than I typically would. Those changes aren't huge but made a big difference in my health. It's really important to keep an eye on online stuff because even if not addicted it can quickly become too much IMO.

In the olden days ie. 80s and 90s if two people were casually dating and one went on a long trip/away for summer, the understanding was you might speak once or send a postcard etc but you'd see each other when you were back in the same city. In 1993-94 I did more casual dating than since I was a teen -I was in my late 20s and dated someone casually for 6 months. We saw each other about once a week. No sex. He traveled a lot for work. One week he was gone all week in Germany. He called me from Germany -which was a huge deal back then. I was really impressed. We spoke for about 10 minutes or so. I remember it well -it was a Friday night when he called and he hadn't said he would call (and no email back then either) -it was a pleasant surprise. Neither of us had expectations about keeping in touch because we were casually dating. Just because now it's easy to chat all day and post photos of the latte you had after your photo of the oysters whatever. And in your case the downsides far outweigh any "benefits".

Simply and directly with a compliment sandwich "I've enjoyed many of our texts while you have been away. I look forward to seeing you when you're back and I think it makes more sense if we catch up when you're back instead of texting while you are away - I'm getting the sense that there's too much room for misunderstandings when we text especially because we're both busy and geographically distant - and I'd love to keep things fresh and positive and reconnect when you're back. Enjoy!

I understand that you work two jobs but one of them seems to require a lot of traveling -on your own dime -to networking events -so why were you asking your parents to help you and drive you if as you say you can afford it since you work 2 jobs. And you also want to ask your boss for a raise because of your financial issues - so sounds like you are working long hours because you're trying to build a business which means less income coming in and the other job is commission based. So despite the long hours it doesn't add up to income. That is why Rose's suggestion makes sense -you need $ to fund the business you're starting (meaning without the free rent and the free rides to networking events) so maybe a third job might be in order if your priority is to keep putting time and $ into your own business.

It's not just a hobby for you. That's the problem. My son loves gaming and it started to become more of an issue during 2020-21 with virtual school, lockdown, etc. We talk about whether it's too much, getting too intense. He says he is not addicted to gaming and doesn't wish to be. I know he is not addicted (at this point) because, for example, he had no devices at all for our trip out of the country for 8 days recently, because he reads books, goes to camp and school, etc etc and he's stopped playing certain games that upset him too much. He's been like this the whole time -he engages in a lot of other activities, he goes on long trips with us where he will have zero time to game, etc.

I stand by my opinion, with all respect. What you wrote has nothing to do with what I wrote. I hope your situation improves very soon - from what you write this customer is not obsessed with you because when you told him to move away from the couch he did. I would think a person who is "obsessed" would not do so. And you do know what to do -you've now explained that a number of times - you knew to tell him to move away. And you know you want to keep working there. So you've answered your own inquiry.

I sense you are getting some benefit whatever it is out of your interaction with this person. JMHO. That might be why you are taking this defensive tack.

I misread what you wrote. There were so many details. I thought you said he did this last night or very recently. You seem quite defensive. Please know that when you share this many details about an unstable individual, the risks and dangers and dysfunction of your work environment and supervisors, and the various scenarios involving this individual, reasonable people like me may get confused about the timing of one of the myriad of details. I am glad you told him not to be in the spa area on the couch.

I agree -I was surprised you listed as a priority going on family vacations with your family, under the circumstances. Why does it need to be a vacation as opposed to a daytime or evening visit now and again? When my parents married they were in their early 20s. Mid 1950s. My mom lived with her parents and grandparents until moving in with her new husband. Her routine was to go to see her family and extended family every Sunday for lunch and a loooonng afternoon. Many of them spoke the language of the "old country". My mom was born in the states, spoke English and understood that other language. My dad spoke only English and had no idea what anyone else was saying and found the whole day extremely boring. He loved going to museums, trying a new restaurant, going to parks. He worked a lot so Sundays were special. So early on he told my mother - no more weekly family things - I think he agreed to once a month or so. As did my mom. My mom was 21 years old -she really didn't "get it" but she got that her allegiance was to her husband. Worked out fine.

To me not with this person - anything but the proper professional distance would be a signal to a person like this. I am confused given the situation as to why you would have him any closer than any typical client at a fitness center. I went to a fitness center at our Las Vegas hotel last fall for five days - every morning when it opened, for around 45 minutes. The last 2 days the lady behind the desk was very solicitous, offering me a bottle of water which she said she'd forgotten to do at first etc so we ended up having a conversation -about our kids, about the covid situation, etc - really nice person. Kind of woman to woman, mom to mom -nothing too personal. I would never ever have approached her any closer or even approached the wide front desk between us any closer etc even though we were both women and having a very friendly conversation. And this is so even if I'd seen someone else do it -I'd have assumed that person knew her personally or whatever. I get that where you work it's loosey goosey seems like but you're dealing with an unstable individual so why wouldn't you automatically double down on the professional distance? Confusing.

It's complicated because both of you two are on different wavelengths, conducting your communication mostly by typing and resorting to immature ways of typing and texting. If you're only casually dating then casually date in person and make a plan to meet up when she is back. Otherwise I'd avoid keeping in touch. You are making it complicated.

I would only keep talking if it's to make plans which includes his girlfriend. Otherwise I'd avoid "talking" because of this recent event.

I would never buy used appliances or used mattress. Furniture -yes -we have two office chairs - one I bought from my neighbor for $40 -worth much more - and one I found in the garage here downstairs- great condition.

Text and type and talk if you want to date online. If you’re interested in dating in reality then don’t. I also worked 10 plus hours a day and unpredictable hours. I always made time to meet because marriage was my priority. If I’d only been interested in causal dating working full time - meaning standard 8 hour days would have been too busy for me to meet.

I agree to look back on how long you leaned on your friends. Were you reliable during this time ? Were you mindful of not using up all the oxygen in the room ? I have a friend who’s been extremely needy and clingy the last two years. Sometimes she’s not. We’ve been friends for 10 years and she’s been very generous and thoughtful overall so I’m cutting her slack but it’s hard on me. She’s been through a lot though so I’m doing my best. Consider this.

I was in one with my husband. I think it works only if: both people already have been seriously dating in person regularly for at least 5-6 months. both are on the same page as far as future potential there is flexibility in one person relocating if that is needed. the couple can afford to see each other at least every two weeks and agree on how to divide up the burdens of travel both enjoy talking by phone or face time and are on the same page as far as how frequently the goal is marriage or similar. Otherwise I wouldn’t invest the time or money or emotions.

Because he didn’t spend real time with them. So they were good for the holidays with Fun Daddy. Like the cashier who called my child “your screaming kid” because she had to correct her error while we waited for her. Oh and my kid was 9 MONTHS old. So yes people can judge other people’s kids as brats etc - even if they have kids - because their priority is to criticize and feel superior. This guy seems bratty to me.

Don't you think she's already told you this - do you really need her to set it in stone? My goodness - when I had my future husband in my life and we were going to be long distance I never dreamed of telling him I might want to date others. My parents saw each other less than once a month for 4 years while my dad was in grad school in another state in the 1950s. They were loyal to each other then and for the 60 years or so they were married. Now -if I knew I couldn't see someone for 2 years I wouldn't date them. The end. But from what I read you two can see each other however infrequently -I think that is very challenging (my husband and I saw each other ever 10-14 days which involved air flights much of the time) - but it's doable. Not doable if she's keeping her options open. Which she is. You have to be allllll in or forget it.

I don't think he was anti - he was not comfortable with your particular situation and he didn't get it and you two are incompatible. Perhaps he assumed you'd hire a sitter or have your daughter do sleepovers at a relatives home or friends so you two could have proper dates. I avoided dating single dads when I was dating in my 30s because I didn't want the kids to get attached to me -a few months of dating would have been too soon for me to be involved with someone else's kids for that reason. I wanted to marry someone who had no children if possible and we would have a child together. I think he overstepped by suggesting you send your daughter away but it probably means he had irregular contact with his own kids after his divorce. He doesn't get it. I mean it's the same with certain friends I've had over the years - whether parents or not - sometimes they don't get how I choose to parent (our son is 13) and they don't get why I say no to certain social situations given my parenting responsibilities. For example a new friend with a son my son's age once said to me matter of factly "oh ok I'd love to meet you and your husband so let's double date next Friday -there's this great restaurant with jazz music." My son was 10 or 11. I told her - well we don't use sitters really and we don't really go out at night but I'd be happy to meet for lunch when he's in school and if my husband is available we'll all meet." She was "shocked" I didn't hire sitters or go out at night much. Whoop de do. I mean -have a thicker skin and don't assume he is "anti" like my friend wasn't "anti" people who don't hire sitters to go out at night. Another new friend ghosted me because my son was a baby, she wanted us to come to dinner late at night/getting home way after my baby's bedtime (she had young kids) and my priority was my son's sleep schedule at the time -would have ruined us for the next day - so I suggested an alternative -a day time playdate. Nothing. People have their boundaries. That was hers. I had mine. Your daughter is lucky to have you. I'm sorry you feel disappointed!!

I would lower your expectations and move into a cheaper place/share situation. This isn't healthy. And this doesn't justify it but you keep very odd hours. You're making coffee at dinner time (yes some people have coffee after dinner I get it -apparently your family does not - and I make coffee and there's clean up involved - if you did clean up cool but if not it's more for your parents to do) - going out at odd hours, using up more than your own room for your business - so you need basically office space as well at their home - and yes some people are triggered by arguing with someone who is holding scissors and not in a downward position. Yes he overreacted. I think the "favors" of chauffering you around have taken their toll also because typically those are paid for either by an employer -the rides -or you take a business deduction etc. None of it justifies the overreaction but I'm pointing out things that might be triggering especially in a cumulative sense. Your business is very atypical given where you live now and who you live with. I lived at home at age 27 because my parents let me live rent free while I went to grad school. I often studied late into the night after they went to sleep but it was in my own room quietly with the door closed. They actually were very cool with my boyfriend sleeping over etc. My father had little patience/bad temper so I get it and it was scary to move out after grad school but wow what a feeling of freedom and independence! I hope you experience the same. Consider you've had it easy (other than their arguments/fighting/overreaction) the last few years and escaped covid I hope so consider that for the next 2 years you may have to budget more and live cheaply. No I would not ask your boss for a raise. I hope you can get the courage to move out soon.

That is best done over a period of months, closer to a year -so you see all the annual stuff -the annual bad cold, the annual promotion at work let's say, planning vacations, traveling together, holidays, your birthdays, her mom's birthday, the birth of a cousin or niece or nephew, how she does during the busy times at her job, etc etc - For example, after two months of dating my future husband and I went to Europe -to Paris -where he got food poisoning and got sick at the Champs Elsyees and my passport was placed down the luggage chute by a distracted gate agent. At 6 months of dating I looked for a new job and interviewed - very stressful -good way to get to know each other. We also experienced at 5 months of dating a severe blizzard and were snowed in at his place for 4 days straight -pre-internet, and we binge watched Albert Brooks movies. I mean sure, fun etc but again not experiences you typically get in a month and typing and talking tells you nothing really about how people react to life situations.

I would go very minimalist on the furniture other than a good mattress -new one. For the rest check nextdoor and facebook marketplace and do used/gently used. Start looking for coupons/deals now for paper products. I see so much of that (not that I buy it but it's there). Good luck!