Batya33

If I could only go for an hour to a catered event I wouldn't go. I would drop off a gift if possible or send a gift if it was a good friend. We've declined invites to events because of work schedules. Next month there is a family event in another state. We are already away part of next week and I was just away for 8 days. I often put in working hours on weekends. But since we'd have to leave for the family event during the work week I told my husband I would not be going because I simply cannot miss more work. I am sure our family understands. Over 20 years ago however I apparently made a big mistake. I was working insanely crazy and unpredictable hours. The week before my friend's wedding I was slammed with work and my attendance at the wedding was iffy. I called the bride (I was friends with the groom) and told her. She was upset with me. Said they had to pay the caterer so please let her know then (it was just me, no plus one). Told me crassly how much $ my plate was (I believe it was $75 back then). I'd planned on giving the same gift whether I attended or not (more than $75) and found her attitude crass because this was a work emergency and I planned on paying for my plate anyway. Turned out I went - I think I told my boss that day the situation as that was a good friend. But I wouldn't have just showed up for the ceremony given the expense and left -that to me would have been rude. I do think if you pay for your plate with a gift you can tell that to your friend and show up for the hour but I do see her perspective. No, broadly speaking you are not supposed to prioritize an event over your work and yes I've forfeited income many many times for events - especially since I am now paid hourly. It's all relative -pun intended - depends if you can recoup the income (I can to an extent if I like work on the plane, etc) and how badly you need the income and how close the friend is. Also why did you say yes if you think so little of your friend?

I think most men who are interested and available to date will ask a woman out on a date if they are interested in dating the woman. With rare exception because not all men are the same. I'd be reallllly careful about asking a person at work about their romantic life - it's ok to assume someone with a wedding band and photos of a spouse is married- but beyond that tread very very lightly. Asking someone out for lunch at work is not a date - and it's fine even if the person is married. I used to have lunch every couple of months with a former colleague who is male and married when I was single and/or had a boyfriend. We had somewhat personal discussions -meaning like what vacations we were taking, about his kids, and I think our last lunch I was pregnant so we talked about my exciting plans, etc - but mostly it was to catch up and network professionally. I assume his wife knew- but there was nothing to know. Had there been any flirting etc I'd have stopped meeting him. I met other men in this manner too, professionally. When my future husband who I worked with asked me to lunch I actually didn't know if it was supposed to be a date. It was during the work day, down the block.

One of my friends got her license in massage therapy in her late 40s and is 61 now and works pretty much full time at it still. That was schooling. She couldn't do office jobs either mostly due to medical conditions/issues. I've been working for decades and what I find is office jobs that are entry level/don't require degrees are often more boring - unless it's a sales job and the person likes the rush of selling/comissions. You paint office jobs with a broad brush and you are entitled not to want one and have your opinion -the upside is -as I do at almost 56 -I can telework a great percentage of the time so it doesn't matter (as much) if I have a bad cold or my back hurts, etc. and while I have an office and have in every single job I've had since 1991 (I was a classroom teacher prior to that) I've never been bored because my office job is related to what I went to grad school for and what I am so passionate about. It happens to involve a desk and computer -and right now given my family situation -a larger part of it is that than ever. But since it calls upon my background, skills, brain work - not boring. Parts of it are. Like caregiving has boring parts too, right? Given your precarious position as far as no/little savings I'd be careful to brush aside huge categories of options right now especially since you don't seem motivated to do more than ponder possibilities. Don't do a full time office job if that doesn't suit you. Be open minded about what a vast category it is.

You're very specific about the sex life and porn and really vague about "amazing" and "treats me well" How specifically does he treat you well and are those upsides worth the downsides to you of the preferences he seems to have for porn over having sex more frequently as you would like to (meaning some couples would be thrilled to have sex twice a month -that would satisfy them -but you are not happy with that frequency). Yes many people pleasure themselves whether they're in a sexual relationship or otherwise. As part of your amazing relationship are you on the same page about future goals? Do you plan to keep things status quo where you are boyfriend/girlfriend and live separately? Are there plans for any kind of long term commitment which would include living together?

Yes I see and read that just fine. I wasn't discussing. I completed a sentence as instructed and found what you wrote inspired me to complete the sentence in a particular way. When there is love at home children do better, in essence, is what I wrote. Not a discussion. I believe you were however, opening the door to and discussing your opinions beyond completing the sentence. I.e. "It truly is sad....." Thanks for sharing that perspective -it motivated me to complete the sentence in a particular way.

Is he interested in flirting with you/being friends? Yes. Is he interested in/available to date you? Not right now. Because a person who is interested and available will ask you out on a date he plans in advance. So if it's fun to catalogue all the ways he is showing potential attraction to you that's fine but if you really want to know if he is interested in dating you you can ask him to coffee because he might be reluctant because of the work situation but most men even really shy men as my husband was - choose the gal over the fear of asking someone out. With rare exception.

Your responses to taking actions are quite passive in tone/word choice -why is that? (Previous posts). You can't really afford the payments because almost all your $ goes to them, right? So what about a retirement nest egg? Do you have an IRA or similar? He's committed to taking care of you financially for now -meaning chipping in more $ but he's not interested in taking care of your future or providing for your future -meaning his actions don't show interest in that. That is on you. As it should be - meaning he's not your spouse so if he wanted to set up a trust fund for you that would be quite generous but he knows he has no responsibilities. Since it is on you I'd stop with the "yes I should think about that' yes I need to muster up the courage -and today take a step toward providing for yourself for your future.

I was a summer intern at a large company many years ago. A guy also in his 20s -an intern -flirted outrageously with me for weeks. I asked him to lunch and we went to get pizza. The first thing he spoke of -after looking around awkwardly -was his girlfriend. Don't assume.

Lollll

My husband was very very shy when we first met at work. He took 9 months to ask me to lunch. We spoke on three or four occasions during that time period at company events. He said later he was motivated to ask me out - despite being so shy - because he said I put my hand on his arm (he was wearing a suit if that matters) while we were talking. I probably did but briefly. I most likely would not have dated had we worked together. Too risky.

My fave was having to wait with my then 6 year old for ten minutes for the dryer to finish -wasn’t worth going back and forth. We got to chatting with a nanny there with a baby. And my son explains that I set him on fire at his 5th bday party. Well I did sort of. He was wearing a thin tie dye shirt and I told him to blow out the candle eyes closed and make a wish. He leaned too far forward. Burned a hole in the shirt. so be forewarned that you may find yourself oversharing if your apartment is not close enough to the laundry room to run back and forth.

But he's not her partner for that purpose -they own a home together it sounds like so they're financially partners but they have no kids together and they are not married. So given her individual financial situation -which is all that matters - if he leaves she needs to feel the security that she could take care of herself far far more than if they were married. I am exactly her age. Never felt any pressure as far as salary but I was more than financially independent when we got married, insisted on contributing to the household income from my assets when I was a SAHM and I now work part time and make much less than husband but if heaven forbid something happened to him I would be financially comfortable even without his salary/assets because of the nest egg I built over the years. And I could get a much higher paying job if needed because of my skills and career. But since we are married it gives me far more financial security and if we weren't I'd absolutely feel more vulnerable especially if I didn't have my personal savings to fall back on.

Laundry rooms I've used are fine -better to use them at off hours and follow building etiquette as far as removing dry clothes from a dryer (or get a sense of how that works). And I used them for months with my young child in tow and still fine. Most these days use cards you put $ on which is even more convenient.

I could not agree more and I've been volunteering on and off since 1981.

When there is love in the home there is less risk to a child of being bullied and having no friends - less risk of it being changed/resolved.

That's also why you shouldn't move in - it will always be "your property" based on your name on the deed. But if you're choosing to live together for emotional reasons and not just convenience then there has to be a strong sense that despite what the deed says it is "your" home together. After all these pages you first raise (I think first raise?) that she brought up the idea and you had "no objection." Um no. If you're not thrilled to live together, not ready to share a home together, and if to you it is not a progression emotionally (it need not be - it wouldn't have been for me -I don't see living together as necessarily commitment-strengthening) - then she brought it up as a matter of convenience it seems or if not -you're not on the same wavelength as to that either. I think you're far too territorial about your home and your comfort and your things to be a good candidate for living together - and somehow you dismiss all the help she gave you in renovations -you didn't respond to my inquiry but sounds like it's still "your property" and she got nothing other than perhaps verbal appreciation for contributing as she did, yes?

I agree with the others. I turn 56 next month. In my early 20s I worked as an elementary school teacher and one reason I left was the abysmal pay -but we all make different choices. You want to enjoy your work and these service professions like teaching and what you do -typically low paying as you knew when you went into it. You are working very hard and you have a good work ethic and solid values -what could possibly be loser about that? As a separate matter if you two are not going to marry then yes I'd sit down with a financial planner -just you- and figure out how you're going to make ends meet without his financial contribution - how would you get your $ out of the house? Also I'd consider getting a college degree online if it will let you do a side hustle that makes more $ than pet sitting. And if there are scholarships, etc (you are over 55 so maybe there are for older adults). Sounds like your caregiver job is set hours so you have time to do this. Because you two are not married I don't think you're taking care of yourself sufficiently financially for your retirement/future. What if you get injured and can't work? Also as far as vacations -if he wants to go on vacations outside of your budget that's his choice and if he wants you to come he should pay for you or chip in for your part IMO.

Same and also so sorry about your mother!

I am all for platonic friendships whatever the gender as long as there are appropriate boundaries. She may not be romantically attracted to him but she enjoys the attention, the flattery, the competition with you for his attentions. Totally fine for the 3 of you to hang out -I've done that many times in my life - but she should know his place and so should he without you having to police anything or say a word. I used to go out all the time in high school with my best friend and her boyfriend - not always double dating. It never occurred to me to be his "best friend" -I was her best friend, he was her boyfriend. He was nice and kind and thoughtful to me, we had good conversations, but there was never a question in my mind that they were a couple. And I treated it as such. And I was 16 years old. It's common sense. She knows full well she's being inappropriate and she's enjoying the heck out of it. So is he.

I agree with Cherlyn who suggested volunteer work/getting involved in community organizations. Perhaps you two can do some of this together.

Are you both single? I originally met my husband at work but we didn't work together ever - worked on different floors in different departments. I'd be cautious and unless you two start dating seriously and you trust him I'd avoid talking about personal issues at work and especially crowd sourcing them. It might seem innocent and fun now but if you find yourself in a work/personal conflict or you need others to vouch for your professionalism your sharing might come back to haunt you.

In the past few years I have seen exactly the opposite in many many posts about private landlords. Our maintenance team responds automatically to emergencies and usually within 24 hours otherwise and wear masks/foot coverings/take into account our time schedules. I'm really glad it worked out for you!

I know of a number of people for whom allergies is not a dealbreaker.

Yes very true -good point -and unless she misled him seems to me he knew the package deal aspect shortly after he met her.

Yes it is a gray area in my world as I know pet owners who give up their pets when they have children - my friend rehomed her cats because back then the concern was cats getting into the crib, I know people who move or downsize and rehome pets, all sorts of things. My friend who rehomed her cats then got other cats later on - and she loves her cats and it was a horribly hard choice for her. She is a huge pet lover. Her priority was the safety of her baby. So the cats were rehomed. Also if a child develops an allergy the pet can be rehomed if allergy shots arent going to work. I see many people who adopted pandemic puppies so to speak now rehoming them. Are they responsible pet owners- I don't know the individual situation. I know of no parents who had babies during the pandemic (meaning let's say they had more time to have sex during lockdown lol) and then being like -oh you know pandemic is over, gotta go back to work, let's rehome the baby" But I've never heard in normal course of events someone giving up their child or rehoming them because they had another child, or remarried, or moved.