Batya33

Just don't do what I did -I had a really handsome neighbor way back when. When he moved in his mom was helping him move and obviously wanted him to meet me LOL. I ran into him at the supermarket and the only shopping cart available to me was the one that has room for a baby LOL. He laughed and asked if I had a child somewhere -it actually did break the ice. He ended up meeting a woman who was much more attractive than me and was besotted with her. Oh well. At least I tried! I think approaching about a common interest is always fine. By analogy I was at a work event yesterday. At the event was a really well known man I'd heard so much about -not a celebrity but rather famous all considering and I have so much respect for him - we do not work together, never have -total stranger to me. It was a hugely crowded event. He spoke. I was leaving the building to go home. He happened to be walking out by himself at the same time. I approached him and said "Mr. ____ I wanted to tell you I loved your speech and agreed so much with what you said about [someone we'd both worked with]." He appreciated my comments and would have continued the conversation but someone else then approached to take his photo so he thanked me again and I was on my way. Here's my point -I approached this stranger in the wild so to speak. Cold approach where the only thing in common was we'd both just been at this huge event and the comment I made was directly related to his speech. I think it's fine if you can find that common ground and comment on something relevant rather than just being star struck (meaning if I'd gone up to him and said "Mr. ____ -I've always wanted to meet you!!!!" And now -if I ever see him again or run across him on linkedin I can now add him/approach again because I broke the ice.

In the 1990s. My first apartment I sublet from a cousin at a deep discount. Big mistake. 4 months later I moved into a nearby and new highrise. 3 years later I moved out for a few months to live with a fiancee. We broke up and I moved back into the highrise. I saw the apartment that morning and put down the security deposit etc likely before lunchtime. We rent now. I would never ever consider renting from a private owner. I love that we have maintenance staff onsite. They are extremely responsive. And tips are not allowed. I see so many posts in my facebook parent groups about landlords who won't fix anything or drag their feet. We have a huge garage here, building social events, building amenities, a small fitness center (key for me) a business lounge/center with computers and coffee and good security features. It means everything to me to know if an appliance breaks, a high up light fixture goes out, there is any sort of leak or issue -they will come and I can simply book an appointment online or call 24/7 for emergencies. It depends what you want. We've been renting this apartment since 2008. It wasn't as urgent to rent when we chose this apartment but I remember there wasn't endless inventory either. We'd loved another apartment which would have been sublet from my husband's coworker who was going to live abroad and he backed out last minute (and it was good as it was furnished in white leather furniture -and a month later I found out I was pregnant LOL). That's what I mean about the annoyances of private renting -much less likely a large corporate landlord would simply change its mind like that. I have no interest in buying anything and having that sort of responsibility as a home owner. Husband is happy too. We also have the slight chance of needing to relocate again for his job. I also am not into interior decorating or matching furniture, I don't care that the kitchen is not eat in, etc -so we've saved a lot of $ using furniture from my husband's former life, from mine and even antiques from our parents and grandparents. I don't entertain in my home but we have the pool and the business center here, a lovely large courtyard, etc and parking for guests. Works for us. Also I don't have to banish myself to the suburbs (how it would feel to me -I respect those who like that lifestyle) and can walk almost everywhere and live down the block from a gorgeous, breathtaking huge park. Buying something right here would be doable for us financially but the resale value since it's not the burbs might be a problem. So I know you're not looking into being a long term renter - but I like the advice not to buy things specifically for an apartment because you might move to another rental and/or meet someone or buy a home and want to redecorate. That's why I've mentioned what we have done.

And a responsible pet owner makes it clear to the men she gets involved with what her level of dedication is (I say this because I don't think anyone would ask someone to give up a child for a relationship -- "you move in but your 4 year old can't - find a boarding school") - but sometimes pets are more of a gray area including amount of pets/future plans, etc. I have a friend who I've known for 25 years and since she moved out of her parents house she always had more than one cat -up to 5 cats. I don't know how she did this but I visited her many times and never detected any odor related to her pets. (I'm a cat lover, had one for 15 years or so growing up). She is a doting cat mom and also firm about "discipline". She got married about 10 years ago and I know her direct style - and I know she told him the deal -the cat-package deal. They bought a house together and they have about 5 cats. I loved that she was 100% up front from the beginning and it was take it or leave it. He had no pets. He took it, he seems happy -it can work with proper communication and responsibility. There are enough issues that can come up later that can test compatibility so I agree with all the others it's baffling this is only coming up now. I would think if there's any serious talk the couple speaks about geography/living arrangements even if there are no plans to move in together pre-marriage.

Ask what the smoking policies are and whether the building checks your smoke detectors and filtration systems. Also check when quiet hours are. Funny -when I finally moved out and rented an apartment the city I lived in was so popular and the rental market so hot that you needed to basically grab what was available -little luxury for the nitty gritty questions! I remember running to the bank to get the first/last month's rent and security deposit, praying no one else would get the apartment.

Watch the feet -the actions -not the lips -the words. Her words are sweet but not backed up by loving/giving actions. I agree with the others. And yes you're behaving like a bit of a doormat. Not a good look.

The problem is right now repairmen/women are in short supply so if it does break -like midcycle - out of luck for awhile. Some buildings supply them (our does) or you can lease them (we used to before they were supplied) and then the leasing company does the maintenance/repairs. I still say with just one person it's not worth it.

This is not about keeping photos of exes. I'm sure I have some in boxes somewhere and I know I have my prom photos etc from the 80s lol. This is about the types of photos plus how it came up and all he is saying. I agree with the others.

I've seen many many posts on my moms groups about washer/dryers that don't work/break and require costly repairs. Wash and fold places often pick up -it's worth it for one person.

Well yes obviously what people personally find value in is valuable to them. I think marriage rates may be declining. But my sense is when they were higher they included a lot of questionable or riskier marriages like arranged marriages or where the woman settled because of limited options to live independently or be a single mom by choice. Edited to stay in topic. My initial point was that unless there’s plans for a marital type commitment meaning marriage or long term I don’t think the immense amount of effort and money and emotional investment required for long distance is worth it. It is worth it for people who want to remain closed off and distant and take comfort in telling themselves they are in a relationship - as long as the other person feels the same. I don’t think that’s a healthful approach but that way the couple can communicate mostly on line and not expend the time and $$ in seeing each other. It’s like that scene in the movie Grease where she keeps in touch with men in active duty and enjoys pining away for them and getting their love letters.

If your work is soul destroying that's no good. I was a teacher before I entered a much higher paying field that required even more hours than teaching (teaching did - all the prepping/planning, dealing with parents -especially as a newbie) - and I worked crazy unpredictable hours for 15 years. But it wasn't soul destroying. Yes at times I was fried. Really fried. But I look back on those years with positivity -I was passionate about my work, it was challenging, interesting, and the downsides completely worth it. I had no interest in whether a boyfriend owned a home -I too lived in a major city back then - but financial stability -yes. I did not date men who taught children/teenagers because back then the salary was really low (which was one reason I left teaching although I loved it) - and that might sound materialistic but in my city a teacher could not live a financially stable lifestyle and save $. I didn't need expensive dates or vacations either. I valued teachers and did not want to be the main provider if we had a child. I savedd $ over an 11 year period while I was single so that if I met a man who needed a second income if we had a child I could contribute from my savings and be home longer than maternity leave (which I was - 7.5 years). I dated a lot and as you can see I was nothing like the women you are generalizing about. So here's what I would do. If you want to teach -go for it. And then get a side hustle/second job especially during summers maybe involving your financial background - you will work just as many hours and maybe more but if you're passionate about teaching it won't be soul destroying. I'll give you a different perspective on holidays -if you want a child - in the past 6 years we've taken our son to 3 European countries -the third one was a few weeks ago. He's 13. A week each time. Also all over the U.S. many times. Nothing -I mean nothing -equals the education, the enjoyment, the growth he's experienced from the traveling. Other than the trip to Disney I guess and a few other "just for fun" trips. We take him all over -not kid friendly - mostly not -we have taught him also how to be a good tourist, how to interact with locals -he insists on learning a few words at least -like "please" and "thank you." It's not just "vacation" and it's not a vacation for me at all. I work so hard prepping/planning etc and the long flights are hard on this 55 year old body lol. But just consider that the $ at least to me is worth it (all of the european trips involved my husband's work which helped defray part of the expenses).

How did she help? When she was helping did you discuss then about how it would work with the dogs? If not why not -you accepted her help with renovations (as an outsider from what I've seen and heard most renovations -and especially huge ones like yours - take tons of work even if you're simply keeping track of what the contractor/sub-contractors are doing). Seems a bit unfair that she worked on this and has nothing to show for it. Certainly couple support each other - I used to help boyfriends with job searches, editing written work, etc but it was reciprocal and there were no dealbreakers like you're discussing here. It would be like me helping a boyfriend get a job in another country where he knew I could never live. You take pride and joy in your dwelling. You prioritize your home financially - I'm sure you haven't put nearly that much $ into anything else in your life. You're entitled. But when you're part of a couple and especially going to live together it's no longer "your dwelling" only even if you put a million dollars into it. It doesn't matter that your name is on the deed and not hers as far as she being entitled to live comfortably, to feel at home, to have access to the home other than rare exceptions (like the couples who have offices in their home and the office is off limits to animals and/or toddlers etc) - you are extremely territorial and you feel you deserve that because of all the hard work and $. That is your priority. But that priority is incompatible with your girlfriend's priority about animals. In fact it is diametrically opposed. She couldn't care less about renovations unless it would help her house her dogs and expand to strays she plans on fostering or adopting. Neither of you is wrong. I'd never date someone who was that into a house nor would I date someone who owned a dog that behaved as you described. Different strokes/cover for every pot. Find a person who values what you do about physical living space, who is content to move into "your" home and forego an equal partnership when it comes to what is done to your home and access to your home. That is how your description comes across -like the house is a child you birthed, and as the "parent" you're not going to let an outsider "parent" your home. There are people who would not care and prefer it even. You will also find people who feel as you do - that getting a dog will be later on -like when you retire and/or change jobs where you can shoulder the responsibility of a dog or other pet. I like how responsible your attitude is about that.

I read your responses. I don't buy that you didn't know she'd want to keep her dogs -already had three of them - and I don't buy that you didn't know she wouldn't be content to banish them to the outdoors. I mean sure if you only planned on casually dating her -being more like activity partner/casually dating just to have someone to do fun activities with -but this is years and you're in your 40s (we married in our 40s, my husband and me - and we talked right away about our desire to be parents someday and get married - I mean by analogy I made it my business to confirm we were on the same page about dealbreakers like having children - and having pets is a similar dealbreaker when one person already has them as part of their family and on top of that is as dedicated and committed to animals as your gf is). And then you have this fancy house that is your pride and joy. Obviously a bad mix. Yes dogs can be trained as others have commented -but you knew she wasn't up for that. Something doesn't seem right here. I'm sorry you're disappointed. But this is not a surprise at all -her stance on things. (I don't agree with her expectations of you but I also don't agree that dogs can live completely outdoors and I know very little about dogs from that perspective, but I do know that!)

He's likely very busy and simply didn't think to mention it.

Not in theirs which is why they did it. We were in our early 40s when we married. I did not need the added value that people in society might put on me as married -I felt I brought and had a lot of value as a person, as a professional, as a friend, a partner, an aunt, etc. I never felt the need to fling around "my husband" kind of thing. Also I want everyone to feel valued in a committed relationship and until recently men and women couldn't marry same gender in many states and I would hate for either a man or a woman to feel less value than a married person just because the marital commitment wasn't available.

And that's another issue I see -from your first post it seems that she would be moving into "your" house although you would be living "together". I don't blame you about the dogs -and SpinsterManquees post was so informatiive to me - but your general stance seems to be that this is "your house" you put "your money" into these renovations and I don't think that's a great way to start out living "together".

My friend was married for about 7 years. Divorced in 2003. No kids. Really didn’t want to marry again. Met a single guy a few years later. He wanted to marry her. She didn’t want to marry again. There was an accidental pregnancy a year after they met. She miscarried. They were conflicted. So they tried again. She was 40 and he was a few years older. They conceived and had a wonderful baby boy. They then became a legal type of partnership that wasn’t marriage but permitted him to be on her health insurance. And they still are about 15 years later. Very committed. Very loyal. Loyal and faithful from day one of when they met. So to me that’s no different from a marriage. And they’re also great parents. Superlative. I think choosing to start a family together is a major commitment. Whether married or not. I don’t think living together is relevant to the strength of the emotional commitment. Unless the couple sees it that way. My husband and I didn’t live together before marriage. It would have tisgjt us nothing because shortly after we married I gave birth and we lived in my 500 square foot apartment for three months. It was great but nothing like just the 2 of us living together would have been. this ties into long distance. I don't think the issue is whether the couple lives together but whether they have consistent and regular in person time that involves daily life stuff. You don’t need to live together to experience that.

You can venture out with more confidence

I love talking about books and hearing what others are reading !!

Walk with good posture and positive energy. Work out most days and include cardio where you sweat. For me sweating is cleansing and I feel more attractive after and after a shower lol because I have stripped away excess “stuff”. Listen without rehearsing what you plan to say next. Your manner even if not in person will be more attractive because the speaker will feel more comfortable and understood. For outer appearance drink tons of plain water and no sugary drinks if at all possible.

I don’t think I stopped but today a pandemic related shift occurred to me. Tomorrow I’m supposed to go to my office for the first time since March 2020. For an office wide event. And my knee jerk reaction while I was getting stuff together like um my work ID - was “well that is if it even happens “. With Covid I mean these events can get rescheduled at the drop of a hat. A couple of months ago I had to cancel attending one as we learned we were exposed to Covid through our son (no one got it ). Typically as a mom I’m ready for all sorts of things to go wrong but this takes it to a whole new level. So specifically my way is to be thankful while accepting this as the new normal.

Love is giving a darn and showing it through your actions large and small. Doing the right thing even when it’s hard - even giving space to someone to show love rather than insisting on attention for reassurance. When my dear friend /first cousin was dying of cancer I felt responsible for doing my best to figure out how I could be supportive and caring in the way she needed if not what I might want in that situation (that is if I could even imagine. Which I really couldn’t ).

My sense is she wants to improve her living situation given her cramped apartment and his spacious well appointed renovated home knowing she won’t have to pay half of the mortgage. And her dogs will have more room too.

OK so this was 1994 but when I moved out and bought a TV and a microwave I think and other stuff from one of those big box appliance stores like Best Buy I remember telling the salesperson - look, I'm here to buy more than one (appliance/device) -so is there any way you can give me a discount or throw in the extra warranty for free, etc - if you're spending $$$ people may be willing to work with you especially if they are working on commission (and yes, they did).

Financially how would this work -she now shares a small apartment with her sister - so if she moves in to your home what would her contribution be toward house expenses (because she won't be gaining equity, right?). She had those 3 dogs when you first met, yes? Is the purpose of moving in together so she can have more space and have a nicer living situation than she has now? It matters as far as purpose -because if the purpose is mostly financial and convenience that's different than if you two want to see if you can strengthen your emotional commitment and plan for something longer term.

It would be a dealbreaker for me for sure. Not because I have a nice home as you do (and seriously -I hear your pride in it and that's wonderful that you feel this way!) - but because I'm not a dog person, I don't want to have to deal with what to do when I travel and for me personally I don't relate to the extent of that level of attachment enough so that I could live with it. I respect all dog owners who consider their dogs part of the family and it doesn't mean I'd live with any of them or vacation with them if they insisted on bringing the dog. I even have disliked when I've had to eat outside in bad weather because my friend wouldn't leave her healthy dog alone for few hours to meet me or where I had to be the one to travel to the friend to be at their home so the dog wouldn't be alone. I dislike having to ask that the dog not leap on me and I've been bitten (completely unprovoked on my end) so I have some residual fears from that. I know of married couples who live separately and you can see if that would be an option -she lives with her dogs, and she comes to you and perhaps you split the cost of anyone she'd need for more than a few days to dog sit etc. How soon into the relationship did she have these dogs? I'm surprised it's only an issue now.