Batya33

Never done it but yes if it’s two consenting single adults who understand the potential emotional and health risks and feel that the fun and other benefits are worth the risks

Ghosting is when someone you know in an established relationship suddenly stops responding with no reason given.

It is a relationship involving more than two people committed to each other.

You can’t and shouldn’t try. You can maintain a loving relationship by being reliable and caring and compassionate and consistent. In your actions. Words are nice. Actions are essential

Yes if they are resolved fairly easily and don’t shake you to the core. It depends what category - is it a doubt about the depth of your feelings or commitment or his? Something your partner can resolve or change like a bad habit (as opposed to a core value ?). Is it fleeting like - you’re watching a movie and he casually comments something positive about a female actress and you feel insecure - but you realize that’s on you- that he meant nothing by it and you’re feeling particularly fragile that day. is it jitters like your partner finally said he or she wants to get engaged soon and despite being excited it hits you as to how life changing it is - are you really ready ??- but the jitters fade and are replaced by positive feelings - or is it like a realization that what you wished for has come to pass - but he or she is really only Right on Paper. Yes. Certain doubts are normal. Also normal to feel none ever. I don’t buy the “it’s normal because everyone has them”. It’s normal from an individual perspective. And rationalizing that core shaking doubts are normal because everyone has them is a short term bandaid. And requires constant validation seeking from outsiders.

I was shocked you kept speaking to him as far as any chance of staying together once he blatantly lied about the porn. What is there to discuss after that plus his attitude about Covid. Where is your sense of basic self worth ??

I’d buy nothing for first day. Sleep in a sleeping bag or blankets on the floor. I’ve done that while traveling. No biggie. Go get takeout or bring non perishables - a boxed milk that doesn’t need refrigeration and some cereal etc

I would not buy in advance.

A relationship where both people agree they can date and pursue and have sex with other people. Both are open to it. Both want that arrangement.

I agree with seeing the unit before move in. It doesn’t matter if they actually test dna. They are strict about dog waste as they should be just like any other kind of gross trash or waste being disposed of properly. I’m sure the building has cameras too.

I’m confused. You feel guarded and yet you’re not guarded as far as sexual intimacy?? I don’t think this is a compatible match either.

Agree with Boltnrun. Delighted they claim to dna test dog poop. It’s awful to be subjected to a dog owner’s rudeness and thoughtlessness in not cleaning up after his or her dog.

Yes with these conditions: you’re both single. You don’t have a boss/employee relationship and you don’t work together. Also best if one or both don’t see the job as long term and or have plans to leave.

You learn to show love even when it’s tough. This takes humility. That’s the learning. I don’t think you stay with someone because you plan to “learn to love him “

By being proactive if finding love means finding a committed relationship. Wanting to “find love” as an abstract concept is different- at any age someone can find someone who inspires romantic and loving feelings. I found my one - my right person-right before I turned 39. We love each other. I didn’t set out to find love but to find my husband and hopefully father of our child.

Yes this and before I read this I was going to ask the same question as far as being a role model for your daughter. When my husband and I started dating again after 7 years broken up as engaged partners we were then going to be long distances and also knew relocation would be on me for his career. So as of getting back together we discussed how this could work. I actually gave him a few US states I would NOt live and he didn’t like those either. Point is I knew right away what the conditions were and his career would take priority. I respected him and us for ironing this out right away. Plus we both wanted marriage and a child. Neither of us ever went back on our promises and even though relocating was hard for me after 43 years in a major city we were married and had a baby on the way and 100% supported his career and I still do 17 years after that conversation. I knew my boundaries. You by contrast are settling for scraps and taking dangerous risks financially especially since you’re a mom. I walked your walk to an extent which is why I mention my story. Good luck

It's not automatic -don't tell yourself that -it's a choice and you learn to make a different choice - I used to be wayyyyy too chatty in my 20s/early 30s. I had to learn - with a lot of work and effort -to be more appropriate socially. (Ironically it was my future husband who gave me this constructive criticism on new years eve 1997 I believe and I took it to heart and changed and found people liked me a lot more and more importantly respected and trusted me a lot more -overly friendly/oversharing results in people being concerned you'll also be indiscreet with their info). I didn't gossip but I got chatty when feeling nervous/insecure and I also overshared. It's not nice to be overeager and it's not nice to expect someone to be your friend because you act in a nice or kind way. Too nice means you're self-absorbed -you're being "nice" to get approval mostly instead of from a position of confidence and just being a good person - with the benefit of approval way down on the priority list. It's not a compliment. It's totally doable to act more appropriately -you just have to not allow yourself to indulge in this "but it's automatic" -we all choose how to act and react in situations like that. Certain things are knee jerk - like reacting out of fear if you're attacked, feeling chills if you hear a certain song. What you are describing is a choice. Make a different choice with the goal of improving your confidence and the comfort of people around you.

Also what do you mean by ghosting? If I am friends with someone and we text and chat regularly for months or we get together regularly for lunch and then there's radio silence then yes, ghosting. I don't think your former neighbors ghosted you. I was ghosted by a few friends and a close friend and it hurts. But I also examined my role and decided in those cases I'd done nothing wrong and they were the rude/thoughtless ones. Other times I'm more aware that I might have been off putting or my stage in life might not have been compatible with theirs anymore.

I don't really understand this. It doesn't sound like you two were close friends. It sounds like you had a common interest/bond over your pets and you bartered pet sitting services. Sure it would have been nice for them to tell you they were moving away but why? Once they weren't in close proximity were you going to drive there to pet sit or expect them to come to you to do the same? The common interest was over. It was an acquaintanceship. It was neighborly of you to give them gifts and say goodbye- were you really expecting them to keep up the acquaintanceship and invite you to their new home? (I wouldn't have gone to those lengths with the gifts by the way but totally fine you chose to). 14 years ago my across the hall neighbor was a woman probably in her late 60s. One day when I was very pregnant, exhausted and stressed about getting to work on time she appeared and asked for my help with something. She wasn't ill. Not an emergency -I was abrupt -I was stressed. I said I couldn't -I had to get to work. From my memory, the next time I saw her I apologized profusely and she was gracious and accepted my apology. I think I reached out to see if I could help in some other way. My son was born -a newborn -she bought or made him a lovely little baby blanket. She loved to see him when I took him to the elevator. So so sweet of her. I think she appreciated how after that abrupt exchange I apologized and tried hard to be a good neighbor. We moved two months later. I think I told her we were, I think I said goodbye - but you know what I don't know. Want to know why? Because our interactions were based on proximity and how we could help each other and her graciousness and thoughtfulness with the baby gift. It never would have occurred to me to try and stay in touch or to even imply that. Neither did she. I think you need to examine more closely why you have these expectations.

I'm a mom and not a single mom but did tons of solo parenting after I moved to a city where I knew no one -leaving my family behind in a city I'd lived in for 43 years. I had no family help at all. My husband traveled a lot including to help his disabled parents in our home town. 800 miles away. I didn't work outside the home till my son was 7. Had I tried I would have had to hire and pay sitters/nanny/use daycare etc -all expensive and especially now with the pandemic hiring caregivers who are reliable is so very hard to find. You are so very lucky to have your mother's help. It was so hard and scary sometimes having no one. (Now he is 13 so that is easier of course since I can leave him alone for periods of time to do whatever I need to get done and the young child illnesses faded, etc). If you increase her commute that could be a real challenge for her as well as for your child. If your child gets sick at school she'd have to drive further to pick her up, etc. I'm sorry and my advice is put your children first. Make sure you and he coparent the two year old . Make sure you have all your ducks in a row as far as child support since you two are not married -especially because of that. He is choosing his geographical preferences knowing it does not work for you or your child. So although your children always come first, I would choose their comfort and best interests now .I'm sorry.

Why do you choose to act in a too friendly way? Are you good at reading a room or situation as far as how to make people feel comfortable around you? Do you think others see you as fake or forced when you choose to act or react like this?

I don't see this as being a friend - it's friendly, thoughtful, compassionate, and kind. It also can be part of a friendship. But being a good human being because you expect close friendship in return doesn't make sense -be a good human being because that's who you are and wish to be. It's fine if it makes you feel good too but expecting friendship in return or specific actions reciprocally -that's a recipe for disaster. I for example stopped spending time helping fellow parents on my mom groups on facebooks who need referrals to professionals, advice about work situations or work transitions, referrals to people who might be a good fit for jobs, dating, travel. I do love connecting people. For many decades now -I am almost 56. But I found many of the women either didn't respond after I spent the time finding the right name or community or resource and/or were too demanding/high maintenance. Some didn't say thank you. So now my boundaries are - I ask myself -how much time will it take and will the person I am referring -who I do know - benefit or will I benefit as far as future networking with the person I am referring. I mean -duh -not everyone is a good fit for friendship especially close friendship -why would anyone think that friendships are easy to find? But not from a cynical view -just common sense! But doing good deeds/being a good human -while part of friendship on both ends- doesn't mean it will draw people to you for a close friendship. And not because that person is a good person -there simply might not be enough in common. Friendships are hard to find, and even maintain. I think they're worth it and I am sorry you are struggling this way.

You didn't ask me and I recommend not having any view of her social media or staying in touch with mutual friends except those who will be 100% cognizant of never mentioning what she is doing/who she is seeing, anything she said. I don't think that increases chances of her wanting to date you again but if you stay in contact it will hurt you and it will greatly decrease any chances of reconciling, particularly the risk of creating bad history/baggage. Also she will be turned off/disrespect you for settling for scraps.

Oh I read that wrong -I thought you meant you care that he is interested in you working full time as opposed to part time.

Not if their ex acts like a doormat and stays in touch and shows them that they're willing to settle for scraps. It's not a good look and a real turn off. I married my ex fiancee. I know I wouldn't have if when we broke up and cancelled our wedding he'd begged to get back together and stayed in touch and let me go on about how much I "loved" him but somehow couldn't remain committed.