Batya33

No we just disagree on the way to approach self love. I didn't say you suggested positive affirmations. Especially given his penchant for abstract negative generalizations I don't think the first step should be what you suggested. It's too vague and abstract IMHO given his mindset - basically a nonstarter. To me it's about doing not viewing. Sometimes even faking till you make it. For example I wasn't feeling the love this morning and I made myself do what I do every morning around 5am. Work out. That triggered the positive feelings. Getting on the treadmill was the first step. I respect your perspective of course and that it works for you and others!

I’m not of fan of “loving “ yourself unless loving means giving. Giving yourself opportunities. Giving yourself actions that reflect good physical and mental health. Giving yourself tools that calm you down so you can regain perspective when fearful or anxious. Giving yourself learning and exposure to learning like reading a good book or going to a book club, going to a lecture on an interesting subject , doing a volunteer activity that forces you out of a self absorbed shell. Today I lost perspective because of sleep deprivation and stressful situations that cumulatively felt triggering. So I resorted to my 4-7-8 breathing. I chugged water instead of reaching for a cookie. I angry folded laundry to put my tension to a good cause. I spoke in a modulated calm tone to people who were unreliable in fixing our major appliance. I showed myself I was strong enough to withstand the temptation to lash out in some way. That’s self love. Not the abstract repetition of positive affirmations —for example. Those help but not as much as showing love through actions and giving to yourself or others. Tough love is good. Show yourself you’re bigger than those silly cliches and nonsensical negative generalizations.

This is all very odd to me. Why doesn’t he want to hang out with you to watch a movie even if he has to move in 3 weeks? You didn’t ask him out for a proper date and he’s an adult who can watch a movie whether or not he has to move in three weeks. He’s never told you he’d like to date you if he had a proper job. He’s making excuses IMO. I’d back off. And don’t ask again even if he doesn’t get the job.

Right -negative generalizations are safer for you. Why not make a different choice. You are dead wrong. I highly recommend volunteering backstage at a community theater -I've seen so many friendships, relationships, marriages flourish from that experience even though I never personaly did it. When I needed to meet people I was out there being proactive. Volunteer work, singles activities, going to events at my place of worship, meeting people at work and through work, setting people up on dates-having them reciprocate. Yesterday I went to an event at my son's brand new school. I knew no one. I approached and spoke with 6 different parents. Were they all enhthusiastic to meet me and friendly? No. Did I expect this? No. Have I experienced cliqueness? Many many times over. So what? I was goign to do my very best to reach my goals and not let silly things like fear and self-pity and negativity get in my way. Up to you.

Also please know that wallowing in anger and self-pity often is much easier and safer than venturing out and risking feeling rejected. Your choice.

What are you doing to meet new acquaintances and friends?

I don't agree with you. People who have attractive physical features may be very insecure. I had many first meets and dates that went nowhere.

Why are you lonely? Do you have friends?

Score as in sex/a date? Sure maybe. I thought you were talking about committed couples. No -being attractive looking is a guarantee of nothing. Feeling rejected is part of dating. For me it was worth it because I wanted marriage and family. Otherwise it would not have been. I would not have dated a man with poor social skills or whose physical features repulsed me.

Why are you settling for this situation? Are you desperate?

That is why I wanted to know if he has done this before/if it's a pattern.

That's what I was thinking or have you cancelled on her in the past? Why couldn't you meet her closer to where you live so you wouldn't have to walk far? I mean I power walk/use a treadmill daily so I get how painful a hurt toe can be - but I mean you can walk a shorter distance yes -take some ibruprofen/wrap the toe? My husband hurt his toe pretty badly during our vacation in Europe. Instead of cancelling a day of sightseeing I helped him wrap it in bandages and used a pain reducing ointment and he managed so that he and his family wouldn't miss out. I'm not a medical person at all; neither is he. Broken toe where you had to see a doctor that day -sure - but hurt toe? I mean it doesn't sound like a reason to cancel to me but that's just me. It's nice of you to text her twice with suggestions for a new apartment. I've done that many times for people and it's not really a big deal - I send house listings/apartment, etc - was that really a lot of your time? Did you do specific research for her and did she know that or you just heard of things that might be useful and typed out a quick text? I mean I've done that for strangers on my Facebook groups. I'm not sure what the scope of the help you gave was as far as you feeling entitled to be treated in a certain way.

If after 3-4 months you have to "work this out" in this way then forget about the work this and just be out. Yes- after this amount of time you can "work out" a logistical situation like one person got a job offer in another state but work out as in what established long term couples do if there's a bump in the road - um nope. I dated a lovely guy for three months once - we were in our 30s. Then met his lovely parents who took us out New Years Eve. Lovely Guy got drunk in front of me for the first time - but we weren't drunk -and proceeded to act like a jerk and mistreat me. Continued this until I told him to leave/not stay over after. Next day after blowing me off for brunch with his parents called to apologize. Twice. But I'd seen his character. His parents weren't enough of a pull to continue to date someone who would treat me like that. Nothing to "work out". It's a great time to assess things. I avoided more red flags. I suggest the same for you.

If there are pictures and videos of you two not wearing clothes and/or sexually touching I'd deal with that situation ASAP. I have korean friends. For many years before you were born and after. I've never heard of people from korea hanging around with friends naked and touching each other's private parts. I'm sure I would have in all these many years.

Well no you don't push away feelings, you choose your reaction just like if you were married and your friend was attracted to your husband and couldn't help it you wouldn't want her to act on it by "helping" him if she had an ulterior motive. I would stop "helping" him because you're too into him to actually help him out of "niceness". I'd keep my distance and mind my own business and as Andrina said maybe his feelings for you will inspire him to take a job and start working. Or get treated for depression and/or stop letting his parents let him live as if he were a teenager.

Life isn't fair. There is no guarantee of romantic relationships let alone finding the right person. Took me many years, lots of hard work, sweat and tears. I can relate to the jealousy as I felt that way for years about married couples with kids -but jealousy not anger at the couples. I knew of some smug married people -that was frustrating in addition. I don't act that way. My husband is attractive and shorter than average so objectively not one of the "catches" as far as looks I guess (I always preferred shorter men). I'm not jealous of couples where the men are objectively more attractive -no feelings on the matter as I found my person (and I'm certainly not an objective 10 - my 13 year old son even implied that while he thinks I am beautiful since I am in my 50s I can no longer be classified as "hot" LOL) In fact as poorlittle fish posted "shory guys" don't fall into the category of attractive. This is what my husband had to deal with and what my son will have to as he will be shorter than average. It's sad (but increased my dating pool since I preferred shorter men -woo hoo!!) -this is why it's ridiculous to play the comparison game when there are so many who believe height is related to attractiveness in men. I mean even on my moms groups there are so many posts of women bragging about how tall their male children are/going to be as if it's an accomplishment. Ugh. I'm sorry you feel that way and that you feel that life should be fair and that those people are not deserving. Some of them are not. For sure. Some are -but it's none of your concern as most of these people are strangers to you. I'd rechannel my anger/jealousy into doing something every day however small to make changes in your own life. Good luck and I'm sorry you're upset.

The problem is she says he interviews but this is a long situation and he's living rent free in his 30s so there's some odd dynamic with the parents. I don't think it is gender based. My husband would not have dated me were I not in a career I was at least somewhat passionate about. He asked me this on the first date in 1995. I know of many men who are apprehensive about someone seeking a man to "provide" for them whether or not they are working in the home raising a child. Someone going to grad school hopefully will end up contributing to the couple's income later. Grad school is working. Often grad students work part time or are research assistants, etc. I would never ever have done that outside of a marriage. I did do it to an extent in my marriage. My husband attained another grad degree part time over about 5 years. This meant even more work for him and more travel and less time with us. He asked me if I would be supportive of this and I said yes. He didn't stop working incredibly hard at his full time job though.

No this doesn't add up at all. Luck is a small part of it. He's got it all cushy at home -does he pay rent? My guess is he has some sort of disorder - or perhaps depression -and they're not sharing this with you. His parents are enabling this by letting him live at home.

Sexual arousal by the other person isn't what defines sexual contact. For example if at work a man rubs up against a woman and she doesn't get aroused she will still go to HR and report sexual contact if she wishes and won't be asked if it aroused her as part of the definition. Your friend is consenting to sexual contact by you on him.

I mean my father in law kissed his male relatives hello and this was in the 90s and decades before. It doesn't matter whether it's gay -it's not platonic contact. People don't touch each other's private parts with their hands or mouths, etc, directly, platonically, no matter the gender. Men hug, men kiss hello on the cheek -men don't hang around touching each other's penises through clothing or when naked and call that platonic. It's sexual touching. Women don't touch each other's naked breasts other than maybe for a health related reason like if I asked a woman friend to see if she thought I had a lump in my breast (no I never have just hypothetical). Same with male health providers who are doing an exam. I mean come on.

I had to cut off a friend who was like family for many many years. The toxicity -and I almost NEVER use that word -was overwhelming the good stuff (I'd known for decades) and we had a last straw moment where she emailed me a harassing email because I'd shared with our childhood friend the state where my friend now lived in (it's a huge state) and possibly that she was married (which was public record) -no other info or contact info. This apparently was trigger to unleash on me in an email. After all she'd done to me over the past years I was done. She emailed me about a year later when she heard I had a baby. I politely responded by email and requested no contact as I moved onto life with a new husband and newborn. She respected this. A couple of years later I heard she had a baby and I sent her a polite FB message to wish her the best to which she politely responded. I miss certain things about her. Overall it was a huge relief. I share this to show I relate and it can and should be done at times.

No it's not -I dated a ton in my 30s. Started dating my future husband right after my 30th bday and he was almost 39, never married same as me. There are men who will not be that into you. My friend married a man 10 years younger -when she was 40 and he was 30 - they've been married about 13 years now. Several of my friends got married in their late 30s/early 40s like me. I wouldn't label men like that. Yes, it's harder to date in one's 30s -and I wanted to be a mom and wife so very very badly. It was so so hard sometimes. But it's silly to keep dating a man who doesn't want to be with you badly enough to want to commit to you. You are foregoing opportunities every single day to meet a single, available man who you click with and certain men will ask you -as I was asked - why you stuck around and settled for scraps for so long -it's not a great look (I was asked at times why I was in an on again off again LTR - I was the one dragging my feet in that case). If you have a penchant for labeling/classifying men into psychological categories perhaps take a psychology course or do some reading for pleasure or consider a new career. Please don't start relying on psychospeak to find a husband. It's undermining IMO and you getting in your own way considering the parade of horribles out there while you settle for scraps. To get married and pregnant I had to choose many things over "fear" - I was afraid: of things not working out this time and wasting more time while my clock ticked loudly, of not being able to conceive and facing and having to deal with other options, of having a miscarriage - of having the doubts I had our first time around when we almos got married and how horrible that time was. So much fear. But I chose to move ahead, to progress, to choose so much of the unknown over "fear". It's hard and it's a choice. There are zero guarantees you'll become the right person to find the right person. I knew that. I accepted that. But you have to be in it to win it. I was proactive, pounding the pavement literally (I'd bring my heels in a bag as I race walked in sneakers to yet another first meet/singles event/volunteer opportunity -and slip on the heels on a sidwalk somewhere - I scheduled first meets back to back sometimes when I was exhausted from my demanding career, I called my mother, my friends, my sister after a bad first meet or awful event to cheer me on, prop me up, get me ready for the next one. I met my future husband for a platonic dinner 7 hours after 6 harassing and angry emails from a guy I'd had two dates with when I was fried and spent and I met him because I was like -well he won't want to know who I've been dating -he's my ex fiancee - and it's not a date. So I had a gap t-shirt on - a layering shirt - hadn't brought makeup to work that day - raced to the restuarant on a hot July day so I was nice and shiny with sweat- as I've written here- he arrived sweaty because he'd gone to the wrong restaurant first - and we ordered and talked and sparks flew. Out of friggin nowhere. We both experienced it and didn't act on it. Till about 3 weeks and two more platonic meetings later. It was a relaxing lighthearted evening with this elephant in the room of sparks. But I'd ended my on again off again 7 year LTR 5 months earlier. Had my aha epiphany 2 months earlier -finally!! -as to why we would never ever work as a couple. Had I not had the strength to walk away from a relationship that would never be forever I doubt I'd have reconnected with my future husband. Times a wastin' - stop lying to yourself and choose potential commitment over fear.

You don't need tools. You need to make a choice and act consistently with that choice. Don't make it more complicated. I found it extremely hard to walk away from certain relationships and I can relate to the crashing down feeling. In one case it was similar to you -in 2005 I discovered the guy I was over the moon about with infatuation mostly (3 months dated) had an anger type disorder -he told me about it- that he'd stopped getting treatment for. I saw it when I watched him play tennis. I think he wanted me to see it. He was then open about it. It was a bit easier to walk away as he'd started to show that he wasn't that into me anyway. But yes I get it. I walked away that day. Had I not -this was early June 2005 -I likely would not be typing while my 13 year old son and also husband are still sleeping. I started dating my future husband 2 months later. We reconnected one month later. Had I still been dating the other guy I very likely would have still been wrapped up in him and not paying attention/open to feeling sparks with my future husband. It really is that much about timing with relationships and opportunities to meet the right person and be the right person to find the right person. If you truly want a long term future with someone you will find the strength to walk away. Bribe yourself if needed lol (as long as it's not with something too harmful to your health!). Good luck.

Nothing to do with what year it is. Sexual contact is sexual contact as it was 40 years ago when I was a teenager. There's no view needed. This is not a relationship -this is an interaction you described and you asked if it was a platonic interaction. It was not. Basic stuff. Separately if your friend promised not to have sexual contact outside of his relationship then he is cheating. Perhaps he and his girlfriend defined their boundaries and level of commitment differently. This is none of your concern.

Labels don't matter. This specific interaction is a sexual interaction. It doesn't matter if in the past you've had sexual interactions only with women. This time you had a sexual interaction with a man. Whether you want to now think about what this means beyond this specific situation is your choice but what happened in this specific interaction is simple -it was sexual. I recently read my young adolescent son a book on sexual education. It contains definitions of what is sex and sexual contact. The book is for ages 11 and up. It's not that difficult.