Batya33

Please don't indulge in "my heart refuses to listen" - you cannot control your feelings. You can control your reactions. What if your heart refused to listen and told you to have sex with a married woman? Would you do it because "my heart refuses to listen?" Please. Also this is not about heart -you cannot love romantically a person you've never met and you have no idea if the person who appeared on a camera is the one messaging you or if there is only one person messaging you. I hope you didn't give any personal information or agree to send $ to the people contacting you.

Sometimes the right thing to do is very hard. The right thing to do is to cut off contact. You can bring yourself -even if it's hard. This person is not someone who is healthy for you to have contact with and hasn't been for a long time. It sounds like you've never met him in person right? You are not in a relationship with him and he is not a friend or even a friendly acquaintance. You're way too attached to this person and you can pull the plug even if it's hard. For your health. Good luck,

Agree with DancingFool and other than "because I was in love" why did you marry him?

I mean I know of several men who weren't ready to have children until their 40s. Here's my take - he has an avoidant/attachment style -with you. And with other women who he is not that into .If he really had this "style" and really wanted to change not just "try" he would be in therapy. I dated a reformed player for 5 months when he was 40. He never fell in love with me and left me after 5 months. He knew he'd been a "player" and wanted to get serious -just not with me. 6 months later he met his future wife. She was much prettier than me if that makes a difference. Ironically -he acted inappropriately with me while dating and engaged to her (he would have cheated I think or close to it had I responded to his emails in kind) but last I heard they have two beautiful kids and have been married for over 15 years. He just wasn't that into me. He had his children in his 40s. Was ready at 40. Just not with me. (I had my child and got married at 42 -I was so lucky and wouldn't advise waiting that long - it was so stressful to have a geriatric high risk pregnancy!! - but I had to become the right person to find the right person -my husband also was 42, never married ,no kids - same situation). I'd assume there's no style other than his and your style don't match and he's not that into you -I'd waste no more time with him unless you somehow benefit from being with a person who's not that into you -of course it's safer because it's kind of an exciting challenge as he "tries" to express feelings to you - and you don't have the risk of having to be totally open to him and vulnerable to him and risk having the excitement of chasing him fade - just consider this too. )

It depends how he addressed the issue -if calmly that's different and escalating it to cheating on mini golf =dishonesty in other matters is kind of off the rails. My husband is pretty particular about games like mini golf, bowling, and the game nights we used to have as were certain of his friends. I can relate - if you're going to play, play. And yes there is compromise. For example in mini golf we let our son do reshots when he was young of course. Or in rare instances. But if I'm playing mini golf with someone and keeping score I personally don't see the point of messing around with the reshots, etc among adults. Same with a game like monopoly - what's the point of playing if you don't play by the rules -and the rules you all agree on. Others feel differently and don't care about rules. It's no fun for me if people don't play by the rules and there's a range of course. As far as kissing him -yes he was right to react -perhaps he gets easily distracted -it's dangerous especially these days with the uptick in crazy drivers/road rage. He sounds like he didn't overreact. My husband decided to break out into song when I was a brand new driver and he was a passenger and I was on a really busy city street and I was really frustrated. Driving requires full attention. It sounds like he communicated reasonably. I don't like how he escalated your behavior at mini golf as far as extending to other areas. That's just silly.

Will it be exciting for you when you experience the downsides -risks of STDs, having a baby with this married man, his wife or her male friends/relatives deciding to take the self help route and come after you? One of my closest friends wasted 4 years of her life in her 20s chasing after and having an affair with a married man. After she ended things she met the love of her life and they got engaged a year or so later. She was so excited and looking forward to starting a family with him. Lovely guy. A few months after they got engaged she was diagnosed with late stage cancer. They got married anyway and she died 2 years later. Just imagine this -how many years she wasted of the short time she had left to inspire this world and she was an inspiration (yes, she definitely made a mistake interfering in a marriage, she ended things and I believe she felt badly re: her part -she was single, he was a couple of years older). Imagine what huge percentage of her life she wasted on her married man -who fathered a child with his wife during their affair by the way. Think about it before you keep pursuing these thrills of yours. And yes get therapy.

I didn't actually understand the question I guess. No , never -for me personally - and for several reasons.

Never done it but yes if it’s two consenting single adults who understand the potential emotional and health risks and feel that the fun and other benefits are worth the risks

Ghosting is when someone you know in an established relationship suddenly stops responding with no reason given.

It is a relationship involving more than two people committed to each other.

You can’t and shouldn’t try. You can maintain a loving relationship by being reliable and caring and compassionate and consistent. In your actions. Words are nice. Actions are essential

Yes if they are resolved fairly easily and don’t shake you to the core. It depends what category - is it a doubt about the depth of your feelings or commitment or his? Something your partner can resolve or change like a bad habit (as opposed to a core value ?). Is it fleeting like - you’re watching a movie and he casually comments something positive about a female actress and you feel insecure - but you realize that’s on you- that he meant nothing by it and you’re feeling particularly fragile that day. is it jitters like your partner finally said he or she wants to get engaged soon and despite being excited it hits you as to how life changing it is - are you really ready ??- but the jitters fade and are replaced by positive feelings - or is it like a realization that what you wished for has come to pass - but he or she is really only Right on Paper. Yes. Certain doubts are normal. Also normal to feel none ever. I don’t buy the “it’s normal because everyone has them”. It’s normal from an individual perspective. And rationalizing that core shaking doubts are normal because everyone has them is a short term bandaid. And requires constant validation seeking from outsiders.

I was shocked you kept speaking to him as far as any chance of staying together once he blatantly lied about the porn. What is there to discuss after that plus his attitude about Covid. Where is your sense of basic self worth ??

I’d buy nothing for first day. Sleep in a sleeping bag or blankets on the floor. I’ve done that while traveling. No biggie. Go get takeout or bring non perishables - a boxed milk that doesn’t need refrigeration and some cereal etc

I would not buy in advance.

A relationship where both people agree they can date and pursue and have sex with other people. Both are open to it. Both want that arrangement.

I agree with seeing the unit before move in. It doesn’t matter if they actually test dna. They are strict about dog waste as they should be just like any other kind of gross trash or waste being disposed of properly. I’m sure the building has cameras too.

I’m confused. You feel guarded and yet you’re not guarded as far as sexual intimacy?? I don’t think this is a compatible match either.

Agree with Boltnrun. Delighted they claim to dna test dog poop. It’s awful to be subjected to a dog owner’s rudeness and thoughtlessness in not cleaning up after his or her dog.

Yes with these conditions: you’re both single. You don’t have a boss/employee relationship and you don’t work together. Also best if one or both don’t see the job as long term and or have plans to leave.

You learn to show love even when it’s tough. This takes humility. That’s the learning. I don’t think you stay with someone because you plan to “learn to love him “

By being proactive if finding love means finding a committed relationship. Wanting to “find love” as an abstract concept is different- at any age someone can find someone who inspires romantic and loving feelings. I found my one - my right person-right before I turned 39. We love each other. I didn’t set out to find love but to find my husband and hopefully father of our child.

Yes this and before I read this I was going to ask the same question as far as being a role model for your daughter. When my husband and I started dating again after 7 years broken up as engaged partners we were then going to be long distances and also knew relocation would be on me for his career. So as of getting back together we discussed how this could work. I actually gave him a few US states I would NOt live and he didn’t like those either. Point is I knew right away what the conditions were and his career would take priority. I respected him and us for ironing this out right away. Plus we both wanted marriage and a child. Neither of us ever went back on our promises and even though relocating was hard for me after 43 years in a major city we were married and had a baby on the way and 100% supported his career and I still do 17 years after that conversation. I knew my boundaries. You by contrast are settling for scraps and taking dangerous risks financially especially since you’re a mom. I walked your walk to an extent which is why I mention my story. Good luck

It's not automatic -don't tell yourself that -it's a choice and you learn to make a different choice - I used to be wayyyyy too chatty in my 20s/early 30s. I had to learn - with a lot of work and effort -to be more appropriate socially. (Ironically it was my future husband who gave me this constructive criticism on new years eve 1997 I believe and I took it to heart and changed and found people liked me a lot more and more importantly respected and trusted me a lot more -overly friendly/oversharing results in people being concerned you'll also be indiscreet with their info). I didn't gossip but I got chatty when feeling nervous/insecure and I also overshared. It's not nice to be overeager and it's not nice to expect someone to be your friend because you act in a nice or kind way. Too nice means you're self-absorbed -you're being "nice" to get approval mostly instead of from a position of confidence and just being a good person - with the benefit of approval way down on the priority list. It's not a compliment. It's totally doable to act more appropriately -you just have to not allow yourself to indulge in this "but it's automatic" -we all choose how to act and react in situations like that. Certain things are knee jerk - like reacting out of fear if you're attacked, feeling chills if you hear a certain song. What you are describing is a choice. Make a different choice with the goal of improving your confidence and the comfort of people around you.

Also what do you mean by ghosting? If I am friends with someone and we text and chat regularly for months or we get together regularly for lunch and then there's radio silence then yes, ghosting. I don't think your former neighbors ghosted you. I was ghosted by a few friends and a close friend and it hurts. But I also examined my role and decided in those cases I'd done nothing wrong and they were the rude/thoughtless ones. Other times I'm more aware that I might have been off putting or my stage in life might not have been compatible with theirs anymore.