Batya33

I agree. That's not true at all. Emotional cheating to me is often too broadly defined although yes it can exist and yes certain people play with fire. I have a lot of emotional investment in many people who are not my partner. So does my partner. We are married and we are faithful and loyal. If my ex boyfriend -a certain one -called me today and needed my help I would help him even though we haven't been in personal touch since 2008 (we are on Linkedin as connected and have never communicated there) - I would help him, I would tell my husband I was and depending on what it was I'd probably be emotionally invested. We were very close, I was close with his family and friends and if he was in a situation where he needed emotional support and I could help him I would. Yes, within boundaries. No I would not go on a date with him, no I would not see him alone at night in a romantic setting - no I would not joke about sexual stuff - that would be playing with fire. But if something happened where talking to me would help him because I knew the situation better than others I would. And my husband would likely understand and assume I would get emotionally invested because I'm a human. I would want him to do the same as long as his ex girlfriend was genuinely in need of his help and not trying to get him back, etc.

I'll give an example of how the romantic relationship can inform the professional one. I had a serious boyfriend back then. Worked for a large firm. A coworker -a married guy younger than me befriended me. We did not work together but had the same job. I thought it was fine as he was married and a professional. I had no interest in him whatsoever. We had pizza once during the lunch hour, we chatted on and off. But he started crossing lines - left me voicemails about how cute I looked that day or that he missed me as he hadn't seen me that day. Then one night he came to my office when I was working late and asked if I'd like to get a drink. I said no. He came around to my side of the desk, said ok and leaned over and kissed me "good night" on the cheek. And left. I froze. I was so strong otherwise and assertive and I froze which I learned is typical when this sort of harassment happens. I was scared. I called my boyfriend. He was NOT at all critical of me -he did not think I caused this or liked it. He did not "tell" me what to do but he strongly suggested what I should do. I needed his input very badly -I didn't know what to do -this had never happened before. I also contacted a friend who was an attorney in these matters and she advised me also. So I followed their advice. The next time he came to my office at night he again approached me. I said "no" -in a polite but firm way and he said "because of the office or my marriage" and I stammered (yes I was still scared) "both". He left. A few days later he was fired/quit when he threatened to hit a female boss who had upset him. So it was taken care of in that way. My boyfriend trusted me. I asked him for help and I will say his "strong suggestion' did have a tone of "you really need to do it this way" because he was really upset to hear what had happened to me. I actually needed a "mommy" at that moment. It's about that -sometimes it's ok to step over the line and be "mommy" in that situation where the person is particularly vulnerable and needs objectivity. Your husband does not and you're treating him as if he does.

Yes -we have different experiences. Where I live word of mouth works great and takes hours and also requires lots of social media, networking, potentially paying someone or outsourcing to manage the financial end, etc and all the time setting up appointments, rescheduling, dealing with cancellations and potential collection issues. It's a business that can make enough $ only with that sort of hours and time and expenses commitment -otherwise it's just a very minimal side hustle. Rght now there is more $ to be made because of the pandemic/post pandemic/telework - people more interested in decorating, cleaning, organizing, etc. To me the real money is found in people who are skilled and licensed in kitchen and other home renovations -not just decorating/organizing. Individual care service is great -she should check what licenses/certifications are required plus what insurance she would need to protect herself. I love the idea of owning one's own business and I think it's great when people take into account these hidden costs/time commitments. Maybe where you live there aren't such requirements or insurance isn't needed because it's not as risky. I realize we have different experiences and I respect your opinion!

I know of many many jobs which are not traditional hours, which require lots of travel and lots of unpredictable late nights and weekends and calls during that time. It sounds like that is more like the job/career he has so if he starts limiting evening phone calls about work and starts insisting on grabbing fast food that could hurt his career -if he wants this career. If he wants a traditional 9 to 5 job where his evenings and weekends are off limits he can pursue that. But he hasn't. If she is attractive that's irrelevant -many coworkers and bosses are. If she is flirtatious or inappropriate he can report that to HR or deal with it within his office or qiut, etc. My husband travels constantly for work and always has/always will. I'm sure he has long dinners alone with people -men, women, whatever - and lunches and conference calls and on and on. It's his career. It's what's required in his career if you want to excel and be successful. There was one coworker who I felt was calling too much at night and for my own reasons I wouldn't put it past her to try to cross lines - I expressed that to my husband and he assured me all was fine. It became a moot point as she stopped doing that. I trusted him so it was never a big deal just annoying because it would often be at or around our son's bedtime. But yes issues come up at all times of day and night in certain careers (including my own) and it's not a 9 to 5 thing where you don't bring work home/deal with work issues that arise from home. I got an email the other day at 7am from my boss who is on a family vacation. I responded before 8. And I'm only part time. But in our line of work things come up and there are few "personal" boundaries. I agree with the others that she is crossing lines by telling him how long he can take to eat lunch, etc.

I would not do this outside of a marital or similarly formal commitment. If she mingles funds (beyond I guess they both contribute to the mortgage) then if she needs to unmingle for retirement well, good luck with that.

Why would you burden your girlfriend with your anxiety over whether you had an "emotional affair" - what was she supposed to do about it -sounds like you wanted to unburden some guilt or awkwardness about it onto her -that's the real issue not whether you had an "emotional affair". Did you cross a line? I mean maybe. Big deal. Humans make mistakes. And it's too easy to click on a meme and send it then regret it. If you promised not to date or pursue dates with other people or have sex with other people that's the deal. You can ruminate and obsess over whether you more than harmlessly flirted, whether someone took what you said to be flirtatious, etc. There's something else going on here whether it's your own mental health issues or a desire to make your girlfriend jealous or wonder about you - do you like drama? Are you bored because things are "fine" and you were trying to stir the pot? Listen to the Carly Simon song "We have no secrets" or at least read the lyrics. I think it applies to this situation.

The people I know who excel at those sorts of services -like organizing homes etc spend many many hours networking and/or getting professional certifications, and advertising -on their own dime and time so the $200 doesn't account for all those hours in order to get steady clientele.

Your loving feelings are based on an extremely short time dating and is more based on longing/pining/idealistic images of who she is/might be. After you've dated in person regularly for the better part of a year then you will know if your loving feelings are the basis for a committed potentially serious relationship. JMHO

How much time total have you spent in person and was it all on a vacation?

A friend of mine in her 50s like me was smitten with a guy she did a volunteer activity with -they also worked together at least weekly at this activity.They were in their 30s. Wow did he give all the signs -flirting, they became personal friends, hung out together in small groups to socialize etc. He never asked her out. She went on some dates with others but was so focused on him and constantly reading signs. About three years in they spent a day together outdoors - not a date -and he told her all that time he'd been secretly dating another woman in their group and that the woman and him had broken up recently. She was friends with this woman, too. Didn't know. Did he ask her out then or anything like that? Nope. By the way she was very very attractive - objectively way close to a ten. He was very handsome. Lovely person who wasted years on this guy (I met him a couple of times and found him handsome and arrogant). Of course she was really upset and couldn't really be mad at him (although she told me how at a group trip he put his legs on her lap and I couldn't help it -I told her how I thought he was leading her on (this is before the Girlfriend Revelation) - she was upset with me. She I think loved worshipping him from afar and reading signs. She never married or was serious with anyone after that -she's in her 50s and not that attractive anymore. Not because of age. Because she gained a lot of weight (I don't know why, it's just a fact and the weight does not look attractive on her). She's still a lovely person. I have no idea if she decided against trying to meet someone after that -we drifted apart. Please don't waste much time on someone like the guy in your situation.

In my 24 years experience dating I discovered that meeting the family can mean a variety of different things. To some it's no biggie -one guy had me meet his parents on the second date -they owned -not kidding - a huge store just for weddings. Everything for weddings. And I met them at the store lol. Awkward! In my family my parents were happy to meet anyone I wanted them to whether we were serious or otherwise -so if they happened to be in my neighborhood on a particular day we might all meet up for a meal - but I found some guys took this as meaning we were serious even if I said it didn't mean that. It's not a reciprocal thing because of the various meanings the family ascribes to it.

Oh I get it - you private messaged him -totally get it! Yes, he's changed. Likely because he's putting in his organizational effort into his girlfriend, her family, her friends. I wouldn't analyze it beyond that. My husband is reserved and on the quiet side and has no issue making and keeping all sorts of plans. Sounds like his life has changed, as has his priorities.

So what happens if he finds out before a plane flight that the plane might be delayed several hours and they're already at the airport. According to your conditions is he then supposed to come home because it's no longer quick? Is it ok then if they decide to drive instead of fly? What if he feels like having a nice, relaxed sit down meal -is he supposed to tell her he's not available while on a business trip for lunch? And eat by himself?

I think it's on you. You were forewarned that he is flaky. Flaky doesn't mean on the spectrum nor does related to someone on the spectrum mean anything. I know families where one member is, the other isn't etc etc. He's continuously shown himself to be flaky and unreliable and yet you continue to make high level complicated plans meaning that involve buying tickets in advance, booking specific times, etc. Why? I'd also avoid discussing this in a group chat -just because he's flaky doesn't justify you calling him out in that manner. I have a friend I've known since the late 90s. For the past 7 years she's been flaky about staying in touch and in particular will regularly send me messages "let's catch up by phone!" - once or twice I scheduled a call with her and she flaked. So I was done. Now when she contacts me I will reply "sounds good -look forward to hearing from you!" She recently contacted me again -same thing -had been close to a year this time. I replied "sounds good -after August __ is better for me. Look forward to hearing from you! I've stopped resending my number, stopped putting in any effort. If she calls me and I can talk I will. But my boundary is not to waste time scheduling when it's not gonna happen.

I think the only relevant signal of interest in dating is asking someone out on a date -anything else could mean anything under the sun and analyzing signals also leads to overthinking and often jadedness. I love the idea of a general question that should prompt him to tell the OP if he is involved with someone.

I agree. What I have done also is make it tentative especially if a group plan "I will do my best to be there but I might have to work". If it involves tickets/laying out money for me I either won't make the plan or absorb the cost. I had a new friend cancel on me about 9 years ago because after we made all the rather complicated plans (I had a short time window while child was in preschool, as did she) she cancelled last minute because her husband suddenly got the day off and could spend family time. I wasn't "mad" but decided it was up to her to reschedule. She never did. So I'm glad she cancelled because I need someone who's far more reliable than that. I'm also the "only if an emergency" person.

If I could only go for an hour to a catered event I wouldn't go. I would drop off a gift if possible or send a gift if it was a good friend. We've declined invites to events because of work schedules. Next month there is a family event in another state. We are already away part of next week and I was just away for 8 days. I often put in working hours on weekends. But since we'd have to leave for the family event during the work week I told my husband I would not be going because I simply cannot miss more work. I am sure our family understands. Over 20 years ago however I apparently made a big mistake. I was working insanely crazy and unpredictable hours. The week before my friend's wedding I was slammed with work and my attendance at the wedding was iffy. I called the bride (I was friends with the groom) and told her. She was upset with me. Said they had to pay the caterer so please let her know then (it was just me, no plus one). Told me crassly how much $ my plate was (I believe it was $75 back then). I'd planned on giving the same gift whether I attended or not (more than $75) and found her attitude crass because this was a work emergency and I planned on paying for my plate anyway. Turned out I went - I think I told my boss that day the situation as that was a good friend. But I wouldn't have just showed up for the ceremony given the expense and left -that to me would have been rude. I do think if you pay for your plate with a gift you can tell that to your friend and show up for the hour but I do see her perspective. No, broadly speaking you are not supposed to prioritize an event over your work and yes I've forfeited income many many times for events - especially since I am now paid hourly. It's all relative -pun intended - depends if you can recoup the income (I can to an extent if I like work on the plane, etc) and how badly you need the income and how close the friend is. Also why did you say yes if you think so little of your friend?

I think most men who are interested and available to date will ask a woman out on a date if they are interested in dating the woman. With rare exception because not all men are the same. I'd be reallllly careful about asking a person at work about their romantic life - it's ok to assume someone with a wedding band and photos of a spouse is married- but beyond that tread very very lightly. Asking someone out for lunch at work is not a date - and it's fine even if the person is married. I used to have lunch every couple of months with a former colleague who is male and married when I was single and/or had a boyfriend. We had somewhat personal discussions -meaning like what vacations we were taking, about his kids, and I think our last lunch I was pregnant so we talked about my exciting plans, etc - but mostly it was to catch up and network professionally. I assume his wife knew- but there was nothing to know. Had there been any flirting etc I'd have stopped meeting him. I met other men in this manner too, professionally. When my future husband who I worked with asked me to lunch I actually didn't know if it was supposed to be a date. It was during the work day, down the block.

One of my friends got her license in massage therapy in her late 40s and is 61 now and works pretty much full time at it still. That was schooling. She couldn't do office jobs either mostly due to medical conditions/issues. I've been working for decades and what I find is office jobs that are entry level/don't require degrees are often more boring - unless it's a sales job and the person likes the rush of selling/comissions. You paint office jobs with a broad brush and you are entitled not to want one and have your opinion -the upside is -as I do at almost 56 -I can telework a great percentage of the time so it doesn't matter (as much) if I have a bad cold or my back hurts, etc. and while I have an office and have in every single job I've had since 1991 (I was a classroom teacher prior to that) I've never been bored because my office job is related to what I went to grad school for and what I am so passionate about. It happens to involve a desk and computer -and right now given my family situation -a larger part of it is that than ever. But since it calls upon my background, skills, brain work - not boring. Parts of it are. Like caregiving has boring parts too, right? Given your precarious position as far as no/little savings I'd be careful to brush aside huge categories of options right now especially since you don't seem motivated to do more than ponder possibilities. Don't do a full time office job if that doesn't suit you. Be open minded about what a vast category it is.

You're very specific about the sex life and porn and really vague about "amazing" and "treats me well" How specifically does he treat you well and are those upsides worth the downsides to you of the preferences he seems to have for porn over having sex more frequently as you would like to (meaning some couples would be thrilled to have sex twice a month -that would satisfy them -but you are not happy with that frequency). Yes many people pleasure themselves whether they're in a sexual relationship or otherwise. As part of your amazing relationship are you on the same page about future goals? Do you plan to keep things status quo where you are boyfriend/girlfriend and live separately? Are there plans for any kind of long term commitment which would include living together?

Yes I see and read that just fine. I wasn't discussing. I completed a sentence as instructed and found what you wrote inspired me to complete the sentence in a particular way. When there is love at home children do better, in essence, is what I wrote. Not a discussion. I believe you were however, opening the door to and discussing your opinions beyond completing the sentence. I.e. "It truly is sad....." Thanks for sharing that perspective -it motivated me to complete the sentence in a particular way.

Is he interested in flirting with you/being friends? Yes. Is he interested in/available to date you? Not right now. Because a person who is interested and available will ask you out on a date he plans in advance. So if it's fun to catalogue all the ways he is showing potential attraction to you that's fine but if you really want to know if he is interested in dating you you can ask him to coffee because he might be reluctant because of the work situation but most men even really shy men as my husband was - choose the gal over the fear of asking someone out. With rare exception.

Your responses to taking actions are quite passive in tone/word choice -why is that? (Previous posts). You can't really afford the payments because almost all your $ goes to them, right? So what about a retirement nest egg? Do you have an IRA or similar? He's committed to taking care of you financially for now -meaning chipping in more $ but he's not interested in taking care of your future or providing for your future -meaning his actions don't show interest in that. That is on you. As it should be - meaning he's not your spouse so if he wanted to set up a trust fund for you that would be quite generous but he knows he has no responsibilities. Since it is on you I'd stop with the "yes I should think about that' yes I need to muster up the courage -and today take a step toward providing for yourself for your future.

I was a summer intern at a large company many years ago. A guy also in his 20s -an intern -flirted outrageously with me for weeks. I asked him to lunch and we went to get pizza. The first thing he spoke of -after looking around awkwardly -was his girlfriend. Don't assume.

Lollll