JC3

i'm not defending him but I lost my jobs several months ago and have no job and feel like a low life and very depressed and down. I pushed someone away who I really liked but just didn't feel that I was worthy of him. Through the grace of god and the kindness of strangers, I got the shake that I need to get back to reality. When you are depressed you don't see things clearly. I think he is reaching out to you now and that you should open your heart to hear what he has to say. It is the ONLY way that you will ever know. You are strong enough to handle what he has to say because you've survived the breakup with him and have gone forward in life. You are looking for some kind of reassurance in his words but maybe what you need is closure that you need to hear him tell you that he screwed up and that he had a cloudy mind and couldn't see straight. Life is hard and never happens how we want it to happen but if there a piece of your heart that still loves him then you owe it to yourself to trust in yourself that you can handle it and to hear what he has to say.

I've been divorced for 20 years and he has so many qualities that i want in someone. My emotional state was such that I couldn't even think straight let alone to appreciate him in my life. I just poured out my heart and soul into him with sending him emails and I think it was just overwhelming for him and he didn't know what to do because I snapped when he offered advice and said he wasn't listening. I did a lot of things that weren't right and want him to get to know the real me,, although I'm not there yet but I'm slowly trying to fix me and to get my life back to a good state and to have the confidence and self-assurance that I've been lacking. I read into his words and I still see possibility and I wanted some honest answers about what others see. I'm going out of town this week and I'm going to wait until Friday night when I get back to respond to his message to see if he wants to get together next week.

I met this guy about a month ago. I have a lot of issues going on in my life both personally and professionally which caused me not to be myself and to do Dr Jekll/Mr Hyde things to him. We only met one time in person and i had high expectations of what I expected from him knowing that he is busy with his job and his children. I told him that I didn't want to see him anymore because I need to focus on finding a job and getting my life back in order because I need to be happy and not push someone who I want in my life away. Last week I started to really miss him and I sent him an email explaining things and this is his response. Should I talk to him about what I was going through because that seems important only if we were to continue to date..now that he wants the friend thing, I say that it doesn't matter because I shouldn't try to overstep the boundary that he is wanting now to create. Thoughts? Here is his response: I really don't know how to proceed. I think we should just correspond as friends. I am so busy, I don't think I could give you what you want. We can get together sometime this week, if you like and talk about this in person.

So did you talk to him yet? Did he contact you for Valentine's Day?

I think you are being WAY TOO HARD ON YOURSELF and you are obsessing now over the loss of this relationship/fantasy. The fact of the matter is that this man still engaged in conversations with you and was engaged. He didn't tell you this upfront now did he? Did you tell him you were married? So your "relationship" based on HIS lies wasn't a healthy one. You are unhappy in your relationship so of course a man on the internet can fulfill all of your fantasies and make reality seem like a nightmare because you are in a real marriage with real problems and real life. Your fantasy man has many holes and while you can blame yourself ..he had a part in this too. It isn't like you all along were sending him one sided emails. Your intensity just scared him at the end and he was more afraid of you blowing his cover and his fiance finding out than thinking you were a stalker. What really needs to happen is for you to find an addictions counselor someone who can help you separate love and to really learn what love means to you and to fix the things internally that are stopping you from being a productive woman who is just doing things to make your life worse not better..your judgment is not clear. You should be looking for ways to decreas the drama in your life..not increase it. Another person can NEVER save you..you have to save YOURSELF right now. Learn to be your own best friend and spend time learning what you really want in life and to fix your own demons. This will allow you to either fix your marriage so that you are present in it fully or to walk away BEFORE engaging in meeting other men. You had a affair of the heart! Is this really what you want in your life? Try to live your life with integrity and to treat people how you would want to be treated. If you found out that you husband did the same, would you consider this "cheating?" You need to fix YOU and the rest will fall into place.

I think that she is desperate right now and needs to stand on her own two feet because she can't be alone and that is why she is emotionally crazy right now. You are not in a position to help her because you need to focus on your own life and taking charge and finding a job so you cannot be there for her. I would tell her that she needs to get some counseling so that she can take a stand back and to realize that she doesn't need sex with a man to be worthy of love. She somehow believes that having sex with you and her boyfriend gives her a connection when real intimacy is created with an emotional bond. The fact that you are sleeping with her and not sure that she is the woman of your dreams is you using her and that is not being fair to her or to you. The best thing that you can do for her now is to sit down with her and have a heart to heart and be honest and truthful about it. Don't tell lies and stories but tell what it is in your heart and that is that you realized that you aren't in a position to offer her or any other woman something at this point in your life because your main focal point in life has to be getting your act together. Dating a 17 year old is NOT a way for you to be getting your life in order. Her mother could come back and file charges against you!!! You need to do some soul searching and to figure out where you want to go in life and start taking baby steps in that direction. When you start being true to yourself then will start to attract healthier women in your life and won't be sleeping with women with whom are needy and not emotionally available because you will know that it is not fair to her and it is not getting for you what you need in your life..only adding chaos and confusion when your goal in dating is to limit the drama. Good luck

The first three months of a relationship are very volatile as people go through different stages because feelings can change very suddenly moreso during this period than any other stage of the relationship. I don't believe that he sent this text message at all by they are valued by her and to make her happy but more as in insurance policy because he wanted to see where you were with him. You did the BEST thing by dating other people and to continue to do and to meet new people so that you will find the man who is most compatible to you. A compatible man is a man who wants to be with you AS MUCH as you want to be with him. Anything else, just isn't worth the time that takes it figure it out because you need interaction on a weekly basis to determine the pieces of the puzzles. You don't know enough about this man to know that he is right for you or not and he has chosen to take away you learning the pieces that you need so you gotta keep looking for the man who can give you what you want. You have to decide what it is that you want and can accept from someone...stand your ground and don't deviate from that because the person you need to concerned about is yourself! As long as you are being true to yourself, then you will attract a healthy partner..a man who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him with no games. That is what you want and deserve! Good luck

I don't think that you should call someone with whom you are dating "friends" as this can send mixed signals. He needs to be very clear that he is CASUALLY dating, which means no sex, with any of these women and just spending time with each to learn what he really wants in a woman. It could surprise you that you may really be more compatible in the long run with one of the other woman. If you call the other friends and are dating and having women friends in your life, this word game could get blown up in your face. I think that you are doing the right thing because it takes 3 months for a relationship to go from the infatuation stage to find out if it really has what it takes to be love so you are definitely dating healthy and doing the right thing. Just don't talk about the other women to each other as that will make it more friendship than courtship. The idea of dating is to find the woman most compatible to what you want in life..enjoy yourself and these women and being honest with your emotions and self, and you will end up with the right woman which may be NONE of these women. Good luck

Hi Patience..I am experiencing the same thing with a guy who I met and really liked and believed that he likes me however he just can't fit me into his life as sad as it is. He mentioned doing the friend thing too but I want more than that and just not willing to settle any more for less than what I want. Being friends with them allows them to take the easy way out because then he will know what you are doing and if you are dating. If you break it off completely, then if he is really interested and curious enough, he will call you to find out. I think that you are probably a strong woman like I am and can handle anything but you deserve a man who will give you back what you are willing to invest. This man for whatever reason is not equal to you so no matter what you do, you will always have to do the chasing. Back off and let him lead..that is if he really wants you. If so, he will move heaven and earth to be with you. You deserve better! You deserve a man who will be attentive and who will be there for you when you need it. You say that you are compatible in many ways but you don't have a relationship with him at this point. You are trying to fix a relationship when one doesn't exist because one person doesn't want to be involved. This makes you not compatible so it doesn't really matter how many other things that you two jive on. I think that you need to be true to yourself...make yourself known to him what you want and what you expect and don't deviate from that. Don't take his crumbs!!! Maybe if he gets his act together then down the road you two can be a couple. I would start dating other people immediately and open yourself to up to men who can treat you the way that you want to be treated and who are open to where you are right now. You have hopes and dreams of who this man could be..but the reality is staring you in the face and you know what you need to do by being true to yourself and walking the walk.

What would one date and meeting for drinks hurt? It isn't like that you have to marry him! Maybe what you need is to be treated right. Just because he started off and gives you old feelings like your old boyfriend, doesn't mean that his intention is the same. 90 percent of what we are feeling today is our past and only 10 percent into today. You will never know unless you try. You seem to have a somewhat interest in this man and it seems that it wasn't like he was a stalker and calling you every 5 minutes. He followed up with a email to see you again. I say that you are letting your past control your present and future. Don't think so much about what a future with this man and don't think so much about the old boyfriend. LIve in the moment and you have a nice attentive man who wants to see you again. So take that and go from there and see what happens. you may end up liking him and his attention!

I think that you are the one who is sending mixed signals. You want a casual dating relationship yet you want to see her all of the time. Your behavior and your words are not congruent. At times of trouble, you need to look within yourself to find what you are or are not doing. I think that you sound conflicted and not sure of what you want. If you want a casual friendship/dating then you can't expect her to drop everything to be with you. It seems to me that you words say you want casual, but then your behavior says that you want a relationship and to be more close to this woman. Instead of expecting her to change, change yourself and the relationship will follow once you are being true to yourself.

so what do I do at this point? He is probably going to call me on Thursday or Friday so i need to figure out what I want to say to him.

How long do you wait to ask her out again? Was I being unrealistic to expect him to ask me out again after a week? We talked on the phone but he never asked me out. I rarely call him..my problem was spilling my heart to him in emails

Hi..i need some advice. I started talking to a man on the personals about a month ago. We got into very deep conversations and I started to develop feelings for him because he has so many qualities that I want in someone. I know that you have to meet in person to make it "real" or to have a relationship. We did meet in person about 2 weeks ago and had a great time and sat in the car talking and necking for hours. He still called me and emailed me after that but never made plans to see me. He is very busy with work and visits with his children out of state every two weeks so I understand that however I just feel that if he wanted to see me, he would make plans to see me not just talk to me on the phone and text messages and emails. Now my problem, I have a lot going on emotionally..I lost my job 5 months and my unemployment runs out in 2 weeks...i had a cancer scare which I sent him an email and he never responded to it which just hurt me so I told him that I didn't want to see him anymore because he just said that he wants to be friends. My friends and family say it is me..that I have too high of expectations from a man who i don't really know and that I needed to give him a chance. I did call him the other day and he did talk to me and said that he would call me back when he was able to talk. I know that he is not a game player and is genuine in his busy-ness however am I wrong to want him to make plans with me or want to see me? It was a week after our date in person that I told him that I didn't want to see him anymore because I was mad/hurt that he didn't acknowledge my surgery or just even ask questions about it. I am reading and doing personal things to keep my self esteem up where it should be but my reading on this is that he was a glimmer of sunshine in my life and I just wanted, maybe too much, for him to feel what I felt for him. I don't know what to say to him now when he calls back to finish our discussion. I did apologize and he said that he understands where I am but that he just can't give me the attention and time that I want in a relationship. My "normal" self is very busy with friends/family. I am working out every day now to keep my spirits up and to get my body back into shape and trying to do things that I know that are causing me to have low self-esteem. I want to do the right thing and that is maybe to just be his friend right now but how do I lose having the high expectations and expecting him to react to me the way that I want him too? I try so hard but I"m just so confused right now and I know that I drove him crazy with long emails pouring out my soul and just having dr. jekyl/mr hyde reactions to him. He is really someone who I want to know better. I just need to lower my expectations of him and to take it from where we are..one date..not the fantasy that I have built in my mind. Any suggestions?