aussiegirl

This is all interesting, but it begs the question: "Is there really a NICE way to break-up with someone?" Should someone follow a carefully constructed set of rules, a bit like filling in a "tick-a-box" form or a report card and then have a deep and meaningful about the details with the person you are about to dump. No dumping is nice, even when people tried to convince me that my dumper was 'nice' in his email to me, only because he could have been worse! It's not like anyone is ever taught the ettiquette of dumping, human society hasn't evolved that far yet, unfortunately. It's a bit like why we still have wars all over the world.

Doyle, I can somehow relate, though my situation was posted months ago in February and it was only when I typed in the words "Jealousy", the emotion I found myself struggling with yesterday, that I found this site again, somehow. Anyway, it sounds like you are me, obsessive, guilt-ridden, remorseful, wanting to put right what you did wrong. Please don't take all of the blame on yourself. Obviously, there was a communication problem for the relationship to deteriorate to the point where she did not really care to tell you whether you made her happy or not. But please stop beating yourself up. There are other things you can do, believe it or not. Focus on what is GOOD about yourself, you need to regain your self-esteem, hard I know, as I am struggling with mine, but that is a different story. Write down things about yourself that you feel good about. One therapist suggested I write down 3 accomplishments per day, not related to her, of course. There are resources on the net, e-books, hard-copy books on dealing with break-ups, some are specifically related to men. I don't like everything in their approach, as it is formularised, but there may be something in there that "resonates" with you. I think you have received wonderful support on here. I don't know how old you are or your experience in relationships and not sure how much that counts anyway, but unfortunately the passage of time is something that none of us can accelerate, whatever happens. I just wanted to see how you were doing, and I will post some more information, but I cannot just at present. aussiegirl

Dear JC3 Thank you for your reply, hon. To answer your questions.... Who knows if he was engaged at the time? I didn't ask, I just assumed he was single. His profile said "divorced", it did not say "attached". Yes hon, I did tell him I was married, in fact I chatted to him on both occasions and would tell him I had to go to bed as my husband was calling me. My profile stated I was married, and NOT looking for sex, by the way, only "erotic chat or email". Of course, he would never admit that he had a part in it, however small. Sorry hon, yes the emails were one-sided in as far as he did not reveal his emotions to me, even when I did so rather cautiously to begin with. His email in July 2005 to me contained a sentence similar to the following "I do not believe that I gave any indication in my emails that you were special to me". In fact, this is correct. In my two prior chats to him, I thought I may have been special, but as it was my first ever experience with internet messaging, and with on-line flirting, I imagined his sweet little remarks and heart icon he sent me meant that, when that is something all guys do on-line!!! Yes, I do need an addictions counsellor or some kind. My OCD is fairly chronic. I am not actively seeking other men out, or giving my heart to anyone, although I do sometimes crave to be made love to. In fact, I have a local married guy with kids, interested in me and me in him for some time, but we are happy just to chat on-line to try to discuss and understand our mutual problems! He is nice, but has not given his heart to me, and I have no intention of giving my heart away to him! JC3, don't you honestly think I stalked him? When I would check constantly to see whether he is on-line, send him as he suggested to me in his July email, were increasingly more aggressive/obsessive emails , ask me to stop in February after I sent him my "angry/aggressive" email, then send him more emails (not aggressive, but certainly some were tinged with anger) at sporadic intervals, then get my girlfriend from NZ, who was so concerned for me, to call him at his work in July. A funny thing though. He told my girlfriend in NZ during the conversation that a part of him was flattered and amazed I could think that way of him without knowing him, yet his email immediately following the conversation did not reveal this at all. JC3, I don't know how I could realistically walk away from my marriage, even if I wanted to. Firstly, despite all our problems, I love him deeply. I would have the guilt of ruining my husband's life, even if that is temporarily. I am not over this UK guy, as much as I am trying, so cannot give my heart to anyone else, there is no room in my heart after my husband and the UK guy. [Yes, I know the UK guy is a fantasy, but he is still in my heart. I still imagine the UK guy making love to me and being the father of my children, I do not know why that is, but it is the sad truth.] Who would I find that would love me as much as my husband loves me, after 15 years of marriage and all this, or who I would love as much as my husband, however imperfect our marriage is, and however many problems we have? Yes, if my husband did the same, I would consider it cheating, but then again he may learn a bit more about his sexuality or he may not get it at all. I am certainly not advocating cheating. I guess that it is sad that in my "weak" moments, I do fantasise about this UK guy, but it is better than having "fantastic" thoughts about him all the time that I do think about him, which is more than I should!! All I know now is that I don't know if I am going to be able to ask my husband what I want from this marriage. My husband, of necessity, has become like a father figure to me, and I guess that means I do not feel I have any "bargaining power", to ask for what I feel I need. Also, in a way, I don't think my husband is capable of understanding what I really need and want. I have such little energy to do the things I need to do, that perhaps what I want is a fantasy, also. How can he be a lover to me, and a father of any future children, though the latter is even more unlikely now, given what I have said above, when he has to "father" me? When things were less "shaky" before, and I worked and studied, did a bit more around the house, we have never really "made love" in the way I would desire now, and he never really wanted to have children, whereas I always thought there might be a possibility one day that I might. Perhaps he just doesn't have the confidence in me, perhaps he doesn't have it in him. Perhaps a bit of both, for each of us, I don't know. O.K., so I should try and become a strong, independent woman with a career so that I feel good about myself, a great housekeeper and always cook his favourite meals and be devoted to him emotionally, do you think that is really going to be the key? Somehow, I don't think so. I will keep on searching for answers, though! Thank you so much for replying, JC3. Best Wishes aussiegirl XX

Blured, thank you hon. I am glad I am not alone in this. But for a 39 year-old married woman to behave like a love-struck teenager!!!! I know I was a "late bloomer" when it comes to boys, because I wasn't allowed to have one and never really developed social skills with regards to men at university either, and I honestly thought that my studies were better for it, and that when I met the right guy who would be my husband, someone who wanted me, then it wouldn't matter, but it didn't happen that way. However, my OCD has always got me into trouble, I am just lucky I have a very tolerant husband and that he was aware of my quirks before he married me!! Blured yes hon - I did assume he was single. In order not to be too "prying" to begin with, I only asked him about his encounters on the site, not whether he was seeing anyone at the moment. I guess I didn't ask him directly, but inferred it from things he said like having gone up to Scotland (he lives in England for a few days and stating he asked strangers to take a photo of him, I mean yes, I inferred it. I inferred it also because of his keeness in returning my emails, or was that just politeness, who knows? Blured, I just wish I had got a chance to know him better, and for him to know me, though on-line it is always going to be a case of "fill in the missing bits". Who cares if he would always have been a fantasy, women fantasise all the time, but at least to have kept a friendship in real life, which I ruined, would mean that at least he kinda respected me a bit as a person. So what happened with your guy, did you reconcile your fantasy with reality and still accept him? Or were the differences too "irreconcilable" and you parted ways? Thank you for your reply, hon. aussiegirl X

Thank you mgirl! Not for agreeing with me, but for expressing something that was seething in me, and had to come out. Do I wish I had remained faithful to my husband and controlled my emotions with respect to this guy - yes and no. But in a way, what I did was part of me, like you, it was my experience of my emotional peaks and troughs. I regret few things I have done in my life, but what I did last year was self-destructive and I could have managed things better if I had not been so manic, spurred on my joining the sex website and meeting the UK guy. I could have viewed the friendship with him as on-line flirting and friendship and having better control of my late-emerging sexuality, have been very choosy about who I would express that with in real life. But none of that was meant to be. Yes, I am more knowledgeable and wiser because of the experience, but in terms on my marriage, I am in the same boat, and in terms of the guy, still pretty devastated by the way he chose to handle it, so you I could argue whether it was worth it! They say "nothing ventured, nothing gained" but in my case, I just gained a whole lot more emotional baggage as a result of pouring out my heart to this guy. Best Wishes, mgirl, you say you are feeling emotional ups and downs. I would be willing to listen if you can tell me more. Perhaps you should get yourself checked out hon, in case you have bipolar or depression. aussiegirl X

Dear RC No, my sexual exploits don't seem as innocent to me as a handshake! Yes, he is a saint, and many others who do not know of what has happened to me over the past, have used that same terminology. It do not believe that OCD and being manic had nothing to do with what happened as I am no longer being promiscuous. I will ask my psychiatrist for his opinion on that. I do not believe I have a sexual addiction. I am trying to compensate for years of having little libido, and thinking there was something wrong with me. I am not actively seeking out men to sleep with. I would not know how I would feel if my husband could not remain faithful. I guess I would want to know why he felt the need to stray and to discuss it. In you saying there is no justification for infidelity, well I used to think the same way. I am not an advocate of it, but can understand how some people are pushed into it by having a healthy sex drive and their partner doesn't and the situation cannot be resolved by communication between the couple. I used to think the "Catholic" way, but no longer do. I am sorry. I will do my best to remain faithful to my husband and to explore how our relationship can be improved, but it is not going to be easy at all. Thank you.

Dear Ta ree saw Thank you for your reply. No, I am not on meds for OCD, because as far as my shrink is concerned, the ones I have been on have not helped and I will NOT submit myself to exposure therapy and hence give someone else control and freak out during the process . I am on meds for depression. Yes, I did get lost in fantasy and lost touch with reality. Others alot more gifted than me have done it in the past, apparently, as literature and art, music, poetry, has examples of it. Why did it have to hurt so much for me? Why cannot he forgive me and my naivety? Will I forever be just a bad memory to him?

mgirl Thanks, you are right. Certainly, before I let loose with my emotions and poured out my fantasies to him, things were great. Sure, it was not his responsibility to look after me, and stuff, it just would have been nice if he could have seen beyond the "scariness" factor and ask, Hey, this woman is hurting, why? Who knows, the spell of him could have been broken and I could have understood him better and SOONER and he could have understood me, if he valued anyting of our email friendship from before this happened. Anyway, too late, I did the damage has been done, he is long gone and will never forgive me. Thank you.

RC I see a photo of you, I assume you are happily married? I am sorry, but I don't know what "BF" means, does it mean "before". No, the UK guy isn't the one who created a monster, I created that monster, and yes, you may be right that he has every reason not to contact me again. But you don't know how much I gave to him in my correspondences to him, to say that is not completely fair. He had no idea why I created him in my fantasy, that it was my first experience of meeting someone on the net, how frustrated I was with my marriage at the time, that I was now sexually emerging and maturing at the age of nearly 39, how I became manic, on top of having OCD and how I regret what I did to scare him away, as I lost a friend. He did eventually give me an explanation, but to me, but I thought it is just human nature to care about someone who has at least cared about them, and perhaps work through with them why they have these feelings for you, not just "dump" them. Anyway, it seems that every guy I speak to about this just says he was right in running away, so if that makes me deluded, then I am. Yes, I have had sex with men outside my marriage, both good and bad, and do you know what? It has taught me that there is nothing wrong with me as a mature sexual, fully functioning woman. I would never have known this if I had not strayed outside my marriage. I would never have known what joy sex can bring. I know that I can be made love to and respond normally, I know how to make love to a man, I know what I want in a man making love to me, it is a PITY that I had to go outside my marriage, but please spare me your morality judgement!!! Do you think a loving God would have wanted me to go through the rest of my life being completely naive to this and blaming myself for the problems in my sex life. Well, I don't call that a loving God. I sinned, yes. But leave it at that, I have enough guilt as it is. When I say I love my husband, I mean just that. I love him for who he is, with his faults, just as he loves me, with even greater faults. I know the difference between love and infatuation. I do not want to stray, but I cannot promise myself that I won't do so in the future. Yes, perhaps I don't deserve to be married to him. I do think of him as an angel sent to me by God. He has known of my affairs in the past year, and accepted my promiscuity as part of my "manic" episode and yes, he has forgiven me. However, even with the most perfect marriage, we are all fallible human beings, and I could have fallen charms to a beautiful-looking man at any stage in my life. We all can. Yes, I see attractive men on the net, on the street, I admire their beauty as a man, but I have no desire to talk to them, to get to know them. With this man, it was different. I believe when the call was so strong, as it was in my case with this man, it is difficult not to act on it. I don't know how someone can be immune to that. I know I didn't have to act on it, but for some people who are like me, I was compelled to act on it. He is a mature man, he has an elite, highly responsible job, and very loving, but in many ways, in terms of feeling deeper emotions that come with mature human sexuality and creating a family, he is like a needy young boy, with limited understanding. I know my husband likes to look at pictures of scantily-clad young schoolgirls and I accept that is part of where he is at with his sexuality, I don't judge him because of that. Please, RC don't judge me until you understand that. I know you are going to say my priorities are wrong, and that I should be obsessed with my husband and saving my marriage. I am just not there yet. But thank you and God Bless for you advice. aussiegirl

Hello everyone This is similar to a post I posted yesterday. I have been married 15 years with no children to a wonderful man, but in Dec 2004, when my pregnant niece, who I love, hosted a dinner party, which my hubby didn't go to, The guests, who were relatives of mine, were discussing someone who had met their new husband on internet. Thinking that I must see what this on-line stuff dating stuff is about, I came accross an adult website and immediately became besotted with this English guy. We chatted a few times and emailed, but he unleashed all these fantasies in me, of having children, being made love to and seduced by an athletic, good-looking confident man, the things that my husband, while he is wonderful and adores me, is not. He I also the most beautiful man I had ever seen and when I eventually found a picture of him on his work website, that didn't change. I could not let my fantasy and obsession go and finally told him about it last Valentine's Day, about 2 months after we began emailing. I was manic as well as obsessive. The UK guy cut off all correspondence and ended up being scared of me and wanting nothing more to do with me, ignoring all subsequent emails. He told me he was getting married and to leave him alone. It hurt how he treated my feelings so callously, yet I kind of understand what he did. He was happy to chat and email as a friend, now he didn't even want that anymore. I should have been in better control of my emotions and judgement, and not escape into fantasy, but I was so frustrated with my marriage. He didn't understand. Now, I have my marriage back, but know that I think of the UK guy often and wonder what he is doing. I sent him two emails in November. He said he would never reply to my emails and true to his word, he hasn't. I have obsessive-compulsive disorder and depression which makes me very slow. Lately, my depression has been worsening as I don't have many friends and my family situation is poor, they need lots of support themselves. I know I love my husband and he loves me and there is no way I am going to hurt him to find someone else. I am tempted to have sex with local guys I have met on the site, but I know I must resist, but sex with strangers makes me feel so good, sexy, desirable and I feel like I have to make up for so much lost time. But this guy is always in my mind. Even if he could have found it in his heart to forgive me for scaring him, and at least care for what I have gone through in the past year, including severe depression and how much I have tried to battle with myself to get over my irrational obsession with him, I would be so much happier, knowing that he still thought of me as a friend and cared about me occasionally and didn't think so poorly of me. I told him I had been diagnosed with manic-depression, and other things, not all my emails to him were scary, but I am mainly depressed now. He did not care to know anything about me and probably prefers he had never met me on-line. It is like the brief email relationship we had was just rubbish. Everyone has said 100% that he will never contact me again. You know people that will never break their word, well I think he is someone like that. I am so sad, I started off with a friend, and now have only ended up being tortured. There are not many other things in life that give me joy. I cannot concentrate on studying. I feel lonely. I care about my mother and know I have to give more to her and to help my sister. But I wonder, was it this guy's turn to be blessed with a new wife and future children. What have I done that I am suffering, not just because of my marriage, but because this UK guy did not understand me and that I meant him no harm? Thank you and sorry for sounding so pathetic. aussiegirl

Yes Hello DN That's what it probably is. Why I cannot let go thinking about him and am crying all the time because that is what I have to do, but find so hard to do. It is easier to think of the fantasy of him and what he is doing than to focus on my marriage and my life, which seems like such a desert, compared to the oasis of fantasy I imagine his life is. I can't study, can't do housework, I cannot concentrate on accomplishing the most minimum chores. I might as well be dead, but not for the people I would leave behind hurt. I called a therapist I used to see about an hour back, and she would not engage with me, because she knew I would want to talk about him "D" and she does not want to fuel the addiction/obsession. She thinks I should have marital therapy, but I know my husband doesn't think there is anything wrong, that this is just another of the many obsessions I have had since the time he has known me. Imagine what this poor man thinks of me. Everytime I read his final email to me, I understand more of where he is coming from and how he could not possibly understand what I went through. And now my recent quest to find out more about him from a lady he slept with him sometime in London, who knows when, who would only reveal a very broad statement about him (maybe if you had met him you would see how "flawed he is in heart, mind and body") and nothing more. I guess she is trying to help me in thinking that giving me more information about him would only fuel my obsession about him. So I have to thank her, even though at times I hate her for withholding information about him. No doubt she has discussed this with "D" and I even managed to get who I thought was a mutual on-line friend of both me and her embroiled, by sending him a weird email telling him my story and mentioning her, which she was not pleased about, and he just basically told me indirectly to "f*** off" in his post on his webpage. So all I have done is made enemies of myself, and probably just enraged him further. What is the point of living, sometimes, I wonder? Thank you.

DN Yes, but how do I get this guy out of my mind, given that it was only an obsession. I have considered having shock treatment (OCD). It makes it harder when it is someone who you don't know and who is unattainable. And in case you are wondering, no, I don't believe he is a cyber-predator, and no, nor do I believe that he would have any reason to lie to me about his impending marriage, or use it as an excuse to really be seeing other women. And even if it wasn't the truth, it makes no difference as to his now "fixed" perception of me!! I just feel like it is all doomed. Sorry to sound so pathetic. Thank you.

Dear DN Thank you for your reply. I am not sure. OCD involves exposure therapy where they come to my house and garage and just chuck the lot out. That would freak me out and I would be extremely upset. I need help and relaxation to do it. Trouble is, I am always worried about something to relax. I guess with this guy, the feeling, is "So he is going to be happy and have all this great sex and babies with his wife and not with me?" I can't help thinking this. I know the rational explanation - he probably met her in the UK, and she is probably an excellent match for him and not an obsessive, as only about 2% of the population suffer from this. But I can't help wondering.... As to things between my husband and me, that is going to require a lot of work. Having a baby with my husband would nail the coffin in my mind about this guy. I am scared. I don't know what to do. Does that make me an awful person?

Hi everyone! This is my first post here. It is a sad one. This is really crazy behaviour so I am just saying this as my experience. Maybe it will help some poor woman like me not to do this. I was prompted to join this forum by seeing the reference to the Obsession vs Love book. I had heard about on-line dating in a dinner conversation and was feeling disillusioned and disgruntled with certain aspects of my marriage, even though I loved my husband, I could see that certain things would not change. I found this sex site and almost immediately saw this extremely gorgeous man living in the UK. I was besotted with his photo and his profile. I emailed him and he emailed me back and we had a couple of chats and flirted a bit. The more I found out about him, the more I got besotted. He would always hold a bit of info. back. I live in Sydney, Australia. But he made me feel alive, sexy, desirable even. I projected my fantasies for a marriage onto the poor, unsuspecting guy. A month or so passed as I went away with my husband. We didn't email for about a month, but I was besotted, couldn't stop thinking about him. Around Valentine's Day last year I lost the plot with my emotions, and he cut off the correspondence. I was obsessed and thinking it was love, well one-way love. I sent him a long "love-letter" email. Remember, we only started communicating in December 2004 and I had ruined the friendship by mid-February last year. Kept on emailing him, no reply. I had pieced together from the info he had given me, where he worked in the UK. In July 2004, I got my girlfriend in NZ to call him in the UK. By this time, I was distraught. I knew the truth but couldn't face it. OMG, you think this is a woman who has experienced love and infatuation, married 14 years, and would know the difference and be smart enough to avoid it. How could this happen? Well, unfortunately, it did. Turns out he only saw me as a online chat friend and that he had a girlfriend and was soon getting married. He said he had no feelings for me, never had and never will. He said my emails frightened him. He didn't say it, but he viewed me as a stalker, stating he would call the police if I ever contacted him again. He never wanted anything to do with me again, nor ever wanted me to correspond with him again. I am only know learning to really deal with the obsession. I have OCD and I guess there are chemicals in my head which just pour out. I think of him, but alot more rationally now, even though I know that what I did was obsessive. Yes, sometimes I am jealous that he has a wife and will have children, as I still think he is so gorgeous. But it is true, I know nothing of what he is like as a person, apart from a few emails we exchanged. I did not feel he was that nice to me, given how he dealt with my emotions, but I do not doubt that he is a nice person in real life. It is sad, my OCD - hoarding and intrusive thought behaviour has caused me grief and embarrassement for many years - it has not been successfully treated with drugs, but now it has driven a friend away. I guess the fact that he is gone probably fuels my obsession with him, compared to if the friendship was still going, as then I would have gotten to know more about him or perhaps put my feelings into perspective and accepted his feelings not being returned. I would be healthier and perhaps a bit happier. Or, perhaps it is the best thing he could have done, given that I had confided to him that my feelings had reached that stage. But If I had really understood the difference between love and obsession, then perhaps I would have been more circumspect with what I had said, or certainly exercised more rationality in my emotions, if there is such a thing. I would like to think I could have dealt with my emotions better, but now I just have this perpetual sadness about what I have done. I am sad sometimes thinking if he is worried that I might go the UK. Perhaps I have a low grief/rejection threshold, but to say that I became seriously depressed is no understatement. Even now, I feel so much regret at what I did. How I must be perceived, as a troubled, disturbed, unstable, lonely woman, or worse. I know it is not as bad as being rejected by someone in real life. But it is a rejection of sorts, based on a part of me that I revealed on-line. He never got to know the real me anymore, once I revealed my obsessive side. Even now, my mental health is still affeced. I am still suffering from the embarrasssment and the shock of what I did to him. Also the sadness of a friend I have lost forever. Someone who should have just remained a friend, and no more. I am still depressed and my life is such a mess. Blessings, Good luck Thank you for reading this.