finneganswake

Mine is still up to, and from the looks of it I've been contacting people and he hasn't (I had a friend set up a fake profile and wink at him, he didn't respond). So maybe I should just with the flow? Its not as if I haven't been hurt before.

I don't know. Like I said, he's been great so far. But I was burned pretty badly this past summer by a guy I met on match. I don't want to assume this new guy is going to be the same. And, I'm quite aware of the quote from Doris Langley Moore, which reads that "it is generally only in the course of a light affair that the serious one springs up." I just don't want to get hurt again.

Yes, but I am still on Match too. Admittedly, I'd been emailing a guy for a few days last week but then decided to tell him that while I appreciated his interest, I wanted to see how things panned out with someone else I was seeing from the site. So I guess for me, its like I'm kind of curious to see who is contacting me and stuff, but I would never seriously consider going on a date to meet someone. I wanted to email this other guy to serve as a test...to see if I was really into this guy I am currently seeing or not. Could it be the same way for him? I just don't want to go there for the weekend and leave feeling cheap or anything. Should I not have sex with him? Should I act kind of detached? He's under the assumption that we're going to be spending the weekend together, but I just texted him and said: "Hey, so it looks like I'm going to be free on Saturday afternoon if you want to get lunch together. Let me know." I guess I am trying to see what his reaction will be.

Well, before we had sex I told him that I was not going to do it if he was dating other women. He said that he was not dating other women and had no intentions of doing so. So I guess we didn't say that we were in an exclusive relationship, but we were exclusively being intimate with each other. I'm okay with the notion that he may not be ready for a committed relationship yet. However, I am wondering if our relationship could progress to that stage at some point, and what I can do to move things in that direction. He has mentioned his dislike of the bar scene, and in particular the fact that since he feels his career and life are where he'd like them to be, he's ready to share his life with someone. His words, not mine. So it sounds like he's at least open to the idea? Nothing so far has given me any indication that he's losing interest, but I feel like when you meet a person online, you must always expect the possibility that you'll be dropped rather abruptly because another profile or email has caught their fancy.

Okay, you all are a smart bunch, so I'd really appreciate your input on this situation! About two months ago, I met a guy on link removed. Our first date goes very well. However, the day after our date, he left for a weeklong business trip. I didn't angst over whether I'd hear from him again. But he surprised me and emailed me from his location. When he came back, we went on a second date during which he presented me with a very nice gift. From here on out, we kept seeing each other. Since we live about 25 mins apart, he often picks me up/takes me home from dates, pays for our dates (even though I managed to pay a couple of times). He always planned them in advance and never cancelled on me. After about five dates, he invited me to his place for dinner and we ended up fooling around, stopping short of sex. The next time we saw each other we finally did have sex and it was amazing. Well about a month into dating, I had to leave for my senior year of college. We're separated by a 1.5hr plane ride. Before I leave we decide that we want to "see how things go" and "take it a day at a time." I've been gone for about 3.5 weeks now and am actually going back to visit in a couple of days for the weekend (I am home very frequently). Since I've been at school, we talk on the phone about 2 times a week, exchange some texts/emails here and there. My birthday was a couple weeks ago and he surprised me with a very thoughtful gift. I'm pretty excited to see him this weekend and he says the same. He says he can't wait to take me out to some of his favorite local spots, make pancakes for me in the mornings, give me a bunch of Economist articles he's saved for me on climate change, etc. He's even talked about plans for us to take a weekend B&B excursion sometime in October. So what's the hitch? Well, his online profile is still active. As is mine, I'll admit (but mostly because I am checking to see if he's online!). A couple days ago, I broached the topic (albeit, in an indirect, non-angry way). He said that he wasn't a paying member anymore, that he's just curious to see who's winking, etc. He then followed with "I haven't contacted anyone from the site for a very long time" and "You're an angel, I can't imagine there being any more out there." I really believe him and actually didn't feel threatened by the fact that his profile was still active (because, mine has been too...). BUT, I've done some googling on the issue and its making me worried. He and I haven't had a formal "defining the relationship talk" (quite frankly, I'd rather just wait to see how things iron themselves out), so I can't help but wonder: is he dating other women? Am I just a fling for him? I don't want to bring this issue up with him because things have been so easy-going and drama-free. And for what its worth, I'm 21 and he is 28. Any insight would be soooo helpful. Is he into me or am I probably just one of many women he is wooing? Is his online profile activity a cause for concern or no? I'm going back on Thursday afternoon and really want this weekend to be fun. Additionally, I want to be able to get past this online profile thing. Sorry this is so long, but I don't want to spare details for brevity! Thanks everyone!

I do know who Marvin the Paranoid Android is! I appreciate your input. But, I think your age difference is perhaps a bit greater than mine. Sure the relationship might have difficult moments, but what relationship doesn't?

Trashy, I see you point...but using your rationale, he would have fathered me when he was 18...thats not usually considered a normal age that guys have kids, so no, people wouldn't see me as his daughter. If not for the age factor, then definitely for the fact that he is white and I'm black. And I wouldn't really say its "taboo" either. Perhaps frowned upon in some areas. We're in the UK though. If and when I meet his friends, I would think that the first thing he says wouldn't be "Hey guys, meet Finneganswake and she's only 20!" but rather just "Hey guys, meet Finneganswake!" We talked about it tonight actually and he made a good point: how often, when you're telling a friend about a new relationship, do you mention the person's age? When a friend is telling you about a new relationship, do you typically ask "how old is he/she?" Rather, you usually talk about how awesome the person is, where you met them, etc. It's assumed that if you're dating someone, they are obviously an adult as welland that if you like them, its because you have some things in common. If his friends were to come to know my age, I'm sure he'd get a few pat on the back, some winks, some "alright, well done mate!" type comments, but, if they are good friends, they wouldn't necessarily make a big deal out of it.

Well perhaps under normal circumstances I could give it up. But... He's Australian. The accent is unbelievable! I get butterflies in my stomach when he talks, even if we're talking about something totally non-sexual like the stock markets (I know, "stock markets?!" you say. I like stocks...I'm a self-admitted geek). Obviously, I'm kidding about not being able to break up just because of his hot accent...kinda...

Now, I do admit to often falling for guys a little older. Usually between 3-7 years age difference. And its not borne out of some desire for a father figure or anything like that. I just find that I get a long a bit better with guys that are older. I've met someone though and it has totally taken me by surprise. I'm 20, he's 38. We randomly met recently, struck up conversation and have found ourselves really taken with each other. So far, we have just been talking on the phone, hanging out for coffee, etc. Defintely taking it slow, although we both are uping the anty in terms of flirting, etc. For one of the very first times I feel like I'm being treated well; he doesn't play games, calls when he says he will, and can actually admit (which most guys in their 20s, in my experience at least, can't/don't want to) that he wants a committed relationship (not implying marriage). When I brought up my feelings about the age gap he said he understood if it made me uncomfortable and that I can break things off whenever, that he has never fallen for anyone much younger than his own age before, but that he feels strongly for me and wants to see what can develop. And, as an aside, I am positive that he isn't married or running any sort of scam on me...he's being honest. I've been to his place, met some of his mates, etc. So I do realise that my asking this question on the forum shows that I am a little uncomfortable with the age gap, but really want to get past it. For now, I am definitely not considering such eventualities such as "what happens when you're 50, and he's...??". Can anyone here offer me a way to think about this in a rational, clearheaded way? I guess I am asking if I should feel bad or wrong about feeling so strongly for him? We can't help who we fall for, can we?

I have to agree with many of the other posters here...its only 6 weeks! If you want to prove how much you really adore him, you'd tell him to go off and have a grand time and to remember to bring back lots of photos! It really isn't that long. If you give him that letter (which, I have to be honest, is so over the top dramatic and grovelling sounding), that may make him think "whoa, she's freaking out over this?! its just a trip with my pals." If he is the right guy for you, he will come back to you and he'll do his best to stay in contact while he is gone. Bottom line: stay upbeat, happy and supportive. That doesn't mean you have to sugarcoat your feelings, just don't be a downer, you know?. Also, maybe try working out some system whereby you email each other once a week or something. Just so you have something to look forward to.

Last night, I was talking with some friends and the topic of food and men came up. I told them how with my last boyfriend (of 1.5 years), when we first started dating (a month or so into dating), I baked him brownies. He flipped and thought they were incredible. For the rest of the relationship, he would always say how awesome of a baker I was and very often asked me to bake him my brownies. But the fact was...they were from the box! I told him in the beginning that they were from scratch, but in reality, I had a lot of help from Betty Crocker. I always told myself that I would eventually tell him the sad truth, but was scared that he would have been upset that they weren't from scratch. As a Southern girl myself, I know that one of the ways to a guys heart is through his stomach, and have periodically baked these brownies for other guys in my life, resulting in the same effect. In all other areas of the relationship though, I am 100% honest. Guys, is this really bad? I know it isn't honest, but would you be bummed to find out that some food item you thought your girl was making for you from scratch was really from a box or previously prepared by someone else (i.e Whole Foods, a bakery, etc.)?? Or is it the thought that counts?

Whoa there lad! Talk about unbridled raging hormones...

And while you're at it, get your eyes checked! Being on a computer for that long probably has wrecked your eyes (hence why you ignore your gf...you can't see her!).

Yes, Belle I know you're right. Because no matter how hurt or scared a guy is, if he really, really likes a girl, he's willing to take a chance on her. It is upsetting though to think that someone might not really like me for some deficiency in my personality or whatever. I know everyone is flawed, but it stings just a little. Whatever...

I would like to think there are very valid reasons for getting divorced. Getting married these days isn't exactly cheap (unless these were shotgun Vegas weddings), so I would think they would have been serious endeavors. And despite the fact that a lot of women think that men are the reasons that marriages flounder, women can be just as responsible. Maybe his wives cheated on him, or concealed something important, was abusive in some way, etc. If one ended shortly after the honeymoon, that would be an annulment, which is different than divorce. Whereas a divorce cancels a valid marriage, an annulment recognizes that the marriage was never valid because some impediment prevented a valid marriage. If an annulment did happen and he asked for it, his second wife in some way misrepresented herself (i.e fraud, married to someone else at the time of marriage, under the influence of drugs/alcohol at the time of marriage) or would not connsumate the marriage or agree to live with him. I'm no family lawyer, but annulments are typically allowed for a period of up to one year after a marriage. I would think that this would change the situation a bit. Get to know him better and see for yourself. After all, its just dating, not marriage you're talking about! But your reasons for concern are valid and don't be afraid to bring it up when you feel it is important. More important than the fact he has had two failed marriages is his reaction to your concern; if he speaks of them in a matter-of-a-fact and honest way and is open to discussion with you, then I would take that as a good sign. If he tries to avoid the topic, offers spartan explainations or resorts to calling his exes mean names and starts spewing hate for them, those are bad signs!

Perhaps I phrased that wrong Shidoshi. I'm just very flirty, but never to the point of giving a guy mixed signals. So for instance, I don't tease guys that I don't honestly like or anything like that. I agree, its not worth the effort. I'll hang out with him, but I'm not going to angst over it. Honestly, when I think about it, I could probably do a bit better (and have before). Last night helped me realise this. I don't know what the deal was but I was hit on by 8 guys at a bar/club I was at with a friend last night! * * *? I am not at all boasting, because this is so uncustomary for me! I got two numbers and both actually called. It was quite funny because the charge of the evening was to find a guy for my flatmate! I guess I can't help but wonder (yes, having a Carrie Bradshaw moment) why women seem to exert so much effort on guys that clearly aren't doing the same with them? When we do have guys that are bending backwards for our attention, those are the ones we pay less attention to which fuels their interest even more. Is the key to keeping a guy acting as if you couldn't care less? I admit I don't know a thing about guys...I'm only 20. I can tell you all about Irish history, plate techtonics and the Jack Abramoff scandal (majoring in geology, american government and British/Irish history) but I don't know how to successfully deal with guys! Maybe I'll just become a nun. Or live in a one room shack in the Montana wilderness...

Upon further reflection and following in the vein of advice offered by smittenkitten, if you want to know his true feelings for you and you don't feel like waiting for ages, initiate some light, fleeting physical contact. No bottom/crotch grabbing just yet (as much as I like advising people to do it and doing it myself sometimes!). If he responds positively, you know you've got a winner.

Finn is just fine to call me by. That was really outrageously good advice, SK. Thank you very much and I do look forward to the update on your situation as well. I have to admit though, I am a bit of a player girl (never when I am in a serious, exclusive relationship) as well as a little bit of a tease. So I am definitely going to be dating and flirting around like I usually do (all in good taste of course). I have a feeling though that he would be pretty jealous if he found out I was dating someone else. Maybe I should gauge his feelings by coming to him with a question about a guy I'm seeing (i.e as a guy, what does it mean when a guy I'm seeing does x)? I mean, if he really just wants to be friends, he wouldn't get upset, right?

Let me get this straight: He said he doesn't want the two of you to see other people, yet he isn't ready to be in a relationship? That is one of the biggest contradictions I have ever seen. And a warning sign... Look, he cannot have his cake and eat it too. What he is asking you to agree to is quite selfish; he wants room to "find himself" yet is asking you to give up your time and energy and space to basically wait until he does that. And even when he does find himself ready to be in a relationship, who says it will be with you? Yes, you've said that you'll take it slow, give him space and remain a challege...but what about what he gives you? Why are you pandering to his needs so much when he hasn't thought about the position he has put you into? I understand that the situation is complicated and that you really like him. But what he is asking you is just so unfair to you. Relationships are supposed to be about give and take, but he doesn't seem to understand that. What kind of a relationship do you expect to have if one partner says they might "hold back a little and try not to get too attached?" Do you really want to be with someone who is not giving of himself, yet asks much of you? To me, it sounds like you'll always be walking on egg shells with him, carefully and painstakingly reviewing every gesture and statement you put forth to ensure it doesn't look like you are taking the relationship too seriously (which would cause him to retreat even further). I know this probably isn't what you want to hear, but I think you need to break up with him. Tell him that you do like him, but that he needs time to get himself together. And when he is ready to invest himself in a relationship he can contact you and you two can pick things up again (at which point, you may or may not be involved with someone else, but that is the risk he takes). But please don't wait for him to come around. There are so many things that I am sure you could better focus on (such as perhaps finding someone who is ready and willing for a relationship) than to wait for him to change.

Why ruin a good thing? If its working for you, working for him...why don't you just let it evolve naturally? If it is meant to be more, it will most definitely happen. Most importantly, don't be influenced by society's obsession with defining relationships. Boyfriend, girlfriend, just friends...who cares?! Good things happen to those who lie in wait. And the best relationships seem to evolve out of a slow simmering of rising feelings... So many people rush into things these days, but it seems you and him are on a very good track and laying a good foundating for whatever is going to happen someday. Well done!

Well I should add that he's not really much of a dater. Sure, he might be keeping his options open, but I know that he is not dating anyone. He's very shy, a little awkward and not what most would call super attractive (I just have a thing for lanky scottish guys). If he is keeping me as an option, well..I told him in very specific terms that I didn't want to ever date him again. So he knows I'm not an "option" girl. Just to update the situation: We hung out today and it was actually really fun. We got a drink, talked a bit and then went to the movies. It was much more relaxed and comfortable under the pretenses of being friends than dating. And not once did he even try to touch me. There were times though when it felt like we were both nervous...sexual tension perhaps? We are both still attracted to each other, so I guess that is something we'll have to get over eventually. So yeah, it was a good day. I'm still worried that he is going to tell me he doesn't want to be friends soon, so I am not taking any future plans he keeps talking about too seriously. It sorta feels like he and I are dating...just without the kissing and sex. I mean because, what kind of friend makes plans for the weekend (unless they are really big) on a Tuesday? What kind of friend emails another friend everyday (he always emails me first thing in the morning)? I don't even do that with my very best of friends! Hanging out with him made me realize that..well...I do still have feelings for him and I maybe do still want to be with him (I would never tell him this though). I can't help but wonder if this is his way of gradually trying to edge us back into dating...what do you all think?

Exactly. How could she misinterpret "do you want to see me?" (or some other really simple question) on IM/email? I know it is hard to decipher tone and sarcasm and blah, blah, blah on IM, but there are no nuances to a straight-forward question.

I hope you don't get upset when you find you're one of many guys she is having fun with. I fully support keeping things casual and light, but judging by the way she ignores certain questions and only talks to you on IM, you may be one of many backburner guys. I personally question the way she has handled you, but if you are happy with things then that is all that matters!

In the very beginning stages of a relationship, you shouldn't expect to see the other person more than once or twice a week. Anything more, while as exciting as it might be, could end up being detrimental (too much, too soon). Keep your cool and let him set the pace for how things evolve right now. I know you'll have some people advising you to call him, to initiate dates, etc. But the simple fact remains that most guys prefer to feel as if they are doing the pursing. Gradually, as his feelings grow for you, he will want to call and see you more often. But in this critical period (first three to four weeks), just follow his lead. If however, he doesn't follow through with the tentative plans to see you this weekend, you need to politely remind him of the fact that you are a busy girl and that you, in agreeing to his tentative plans, refused other plans and waited out of courtesy for that call. After that, he has two more chances to redeem himself. And if he doesn't...3 strikes and he's out!

She talks to you over IM because you make her feel good. But she isn't attracted to you, so thats why she never bothers to step into the real world with phone/person-to-person contact. She's playing with you because she has nothing else worthwhile to do. In the words of Rick James, "She's a superfreak!" And not in a good way!