finneganswake

Finneganswake not Finneganswank!!

No, I am not completely happy with the situation. Not because he doesn't want more than friendship with me. I can deal with that just fine (up until two weeks ago I didn't even consider it a possibility!). What I can't deal with is a feeling that maybe he's not being sincere in his offer of friendship. He thought he was ready for more, but he isn't. So I am left thinking that he feels guilty about this and is trying to alleviate his guilt and make me feel better. He keeps talking about all this stuff we can do...go running, cooking together, etc. Its like he's trying to pump himself up. Seems like he's rushing himself! My three best friends are guys...and they're not always emailing me and prattling on about stuff we can do. But I know that they are always there for me and I don't doubt their friendship they offer. I am concered that he is going to break up with me again...can you even break up with friends? And just to clarify, I really, really do not want to date him. He's nice and all, but not for me right now. So I am not using friendship as a means to an end.

People do out of character things, which is tough for anyone to understand. I understand where you are completely and I guess I hate seeing other girls go through this kind of stuff. I get sad with myself and other girls when we do this to ourselves; our wonderful ability to sift through details and understand complex emotions better than men can sometimes bite us in the butt... Our situations might share some similaries, but perhaps what distinguishes us is that I'm very prepared to just walk away and forget I ever met him. I don't need to know why he doesn't fancy me or want to be anything more than friends with me. Sometimes I think people don't know why they do or feel the things they do. It is hard to put some things into words. I do not believe that walking away makes me any stronger than a girl who wouldn't...paradoxically, walking away can imply a certain weakness and inability to deal with things. I acknowledge that. Despite all of this heartache, remember this: He is, as you have said, a good man with a good heart. He has just made some bad decisions regarding his relationship with you, that is all. Nothing more or less. If you want him back, make a graceful and dignified exit. Email/call him and say something along the lines of "I just want to thank you for being an important part of my life. I'm sorry it didn't work out, but at least we had some happy times together and I'm grateful for those. If I can ever help you in any way, please do not hesitate to get in touch." (I can't claim those words though, Rhonda Rich suggests that in her book "What Southern Women Know" which is sooo awesome by the way!). If you make this kind of exit, a good guy will always come back (not necessarily for a relationship, but for a friendship which can maybe evolve into more). When some girls breakup or are being broken up with, they use that as an opportunity to launch a verbal assault which is the lasting impression. But distinguish yourself by acting classy and kind and he'll see how different you are. I have done this before and it works. Not immediately, but it does happen. And I admit, ending it that way (despite wanting to scream and be mean to him), gives you a real sense of peace and calm, knowing you have taken the high road. Its almost a feeling of being superior... That is all I can suggest. I apologise for seeming mean or anything. But realize that was never my intention. I am just as frustrated as you are!

Were you twirling your hair whilst talking to him?

I'm supposed to meet him for the movies tomorrow in Edinburgh. Maybe I just won't show up.

I never said you were an idiot. Sorry you got that impression!

I get the impression that she is a tease. Sounds like she got off on knowing how surprised you'd be at getting her attention and number. Leave her alone. A decent girl doesn't start playing the field until after she has ended a previous relationship.

It seems like you overanalyse things. If a guy that seemed perfect just suddenly disappeared on me after attempts to try to wrangle him back in my life, I'd get the bleepin' picture and and move on! Geez...its not like you were with this guy for years or something. It was a few dates, right? If he doesn't call...well that shows what a heartless cad he is. Why would you want to be with someone that can't even have the cajones to tell you how he feels for you? I wouldn't be left "wondering" what happened to him. I'd be "wondering" what I ever saw in him. Frankly, I'd be doing my best to forget I even knew him. I'm a girl too, but I seriously don't understand when other girls say they want a phone call for "closure." I feel like some of them think "If I can just talk to him one more time, maybe I can convince him otherwise." I still don't understand why anyone actually wants to hear another person say "I don't like you anymore." If that happened you'd be sad all over again. Why beat a dead horse? The more you go on with this, the more one starts to wonder if other issues are at play...

I think he is letting silence speak for him. Besides, what could he possibly say that would make you come to understand why he doesn't want to be with you? Wouldn't hearing it just make you feel even worse? Do you really need him to specifically lay out that he doesn't want to be with you and give you the details of why? How is it "nice" to hear someone say they don't want to be with you? Kinda weird.... You say closure. I say self-inflicted pain (is that sadism?).

But he said he doesn't want to be intimate as friends. Its not a friends with benefits type situation. When I said "we'll see how long this friends thing lasts," he said "the proof is in the pudding...i'll prove you wrong on that to show you that i'm serious about being your friend."

A game implies a winner and a loser. And relationships are not about winning or losing. I refuse to play candyland with someone else's (and mine as well) feelings. If someone doesn't want me without being manipulated into being with me, then their feelings are obviously not strong enough for me. And I obviously then don't trust them enough to let their feelings grow naturally. Not a good way to start things.

I really want to see him on Saturday, but I suppose I should cancel.

I think you need to leave this guy alone. Any guy who is worth his salt and is truly interested in a girl, would not want to keep her in doubt as to his feelings for her. Doubt could lead her to greener pastures! Granted, he was sick, had a friend die, which is all very difficult to deal with surely...but honestly...he had to have had at least 2 minutes to spare for a quick calling saying "hey, things are crazy now, but i just wanted to check in and see if we could meet up for coffee/drinks." It doesn't take a lot to give someone a call. His behavior, while endemic among many men, is not by any means normal nor showing of respect. Which you do deserve, right? Of course. In short: if he is not calling you, he is not interested. His loss, quite clearly. I look at dating this way: if one partner is exerting more mental and emotional energy onto the relationship than the other, there is a disequalibrium, which should be taken as a warning sign. You have clearly been angsting about this guy for weeks. I seriously doubt he has thought about this situation as much as you. Meaning...you haven't been on his mind that much. That is a cornerstone of any relationship...thinking about the other person! You're now free to move onto greener pastures!

I like this guy. Despite his imperfections, he is a genuinely decent person and I hold a great deal of respect for him. I just have this feeling that his past girlfriend really, in some way, changed him, made him less giving and sure of himself emotionally. He once said "you know, how would you deal if one day, upon telling your bf that you loved him, he said he didn't anymore? That's how it was for me." That has to hurt... I want to hang out with him. Aside from the fact that we get along well, he just seems so...lonely. Not sexually, but just a simple loneliness, if that makes sense. He has friends and an active social life, but I have come to see that some of the loneliest people are those who surround themselves with others as if to fill a void. So it isn't pity, per se that is compelling me to be his friend. But...I don't know...I don't like to see good people lonely. I guess its a part of me that wants to be there for him, just as I would be there for any of my other friends.

Hey guys, I'm new here, but I would appreciate any help regarding this situation I've been in... So a few months ago (back in October) I met this guy online. We went out on a few dates and had a really great time. Unfortunately, we let things get a little out of hand...we had sex on the first date. A few weeks after dating he says that he is not ready to date or be in a relationship because he still isn't over his previous relationship (which ended over a year ago). I was sad to hear this, but wished him well and was understanding. Two weeks ago he emails me. He said he had missed me and had been thinking a lot about us over the Christmas season and wanted to try a go at dating again. I asked him if he was sure, he said yes, so we went on a date. Everything was fine and we both had a great time. Then...two days later he emails saying he just wants to be friends but that he still cares for me, thinks I am insanely gorgeous (he said that he'll always have a hard time keeping his hands to himself around me) and that he is sorry for trying to do something he wasn't 100% sure of. I am a little less bothered this time, although I do let him know that I'm not going to be messed about, I don't want to date him again, and that when he is ready to be friends, to contact me. Two days later he sends another email, asking if I want to go to the movies with him this weekend and running sometime next week. That is in addition to the emails he sends most days from work, asking how I am, how classes are going...general conversational stuff. When I was dating him, I would respond to these emails within a few hours...it was a way for us to both pass the workday, emailing back and forth. Now, since we aren't, I wait a day or two to respond. I'm unsure of his intentions and I'm trying to safeguard myself. I'm kind of confused...does all of this mean he honestly want to be friends? Or is he trying to see if he can actually cope with being friends before sending me another email in which he'll say he doesn't think we should hang out anymore? Should I even go to the movies with him? Or should I just tell him to leave me alone?