hurtingrl

I can semi relate.... I got my car totaled once (a bus hit and run accident) back in college and the tow truck driver got my number off the form that I filled out and called me the next week to ask me out on a date. Sketchy.....and has to be illegal I would think....

I agree, great post. I wish I realized all those mistakes when I was 18 and I think I would have avoided several heartbreaks (my own and others)

first love - 17, timing was bad we both went off to college. 1.5 years second love - 21, 3 years, got out of college, realized that we were not meant to be (the whole 3 year itch thing) latest love - 25 (which I am now) my current bf's first love? - me (he's 26)......he said he has dated people before throughout high school and college and hung out with girls but it was different.... how did I know? butterflies in my stomach even after the honeymoon stage is over...wanting to do anything for him in the less glamorous times AND wanting to do anything for the people that he cares about (helping his grandmother with grocercies or cooking when I haven't a clue, rubbing his friend's back after a loooong night of drinking/getting sick and the bf is flagging down a cab)....anyway you get the picture....

thanks annie, yes hooray for mixed signals!!! What would we have to post about without them? =(

Sobo, I think that is great advice.....may not use it in this case but if I did that last year when I was going through another break-up it would have prevented a lot more heartache. I met up with my other ex and did see it in his eyes, but never made the connection. I would normally agree but if you read the whole novel of our e-mails back and forth he is not an english major.... AN UPDATE: I wrote him the e-mail last night with the following 1) It's silly of me to wait for him for 2 weeks if he had already made up his mind 2) one last objective suggestion of how things could be better (he was losing his friends and I was not making any - new city for me) by having less time together and having more of separate lives so when we were together we would have more to share 3) If that wasn't an option for him we couldn't be friends 4) Also once I move on (whenever that is), I move on for good (I have done this with previous bf's so he knows I am not kidding about this one) He wrote back and said he did not want to lose me so I bought a new ticket for the emotional roller coaster ride.....

So dark, How did you break up with your 3.5 year gf? I'm assuming it would be too harsh to say, "yes you are not the one so I am done" Is that where the "I need to find myself" or "I'm not in love with you anymore" conversations come from? There is no good way to tell someone that you don't think you could marry them ever I guess....

thanks, now off to a good cry and a couple of cigarettes....

BillyJean: haha yes I live in Cali.....nah I'm deleting all of the e-mails so I don't have a chance to overanalyze them Renaissance: I agree, but in my case I do know WHY (I am luckier than others). The main reason for my request for in person is to make sure some of the things that were said were not our last impression of each other (some mean stuff). Anyway I just took Annie's advice and wrote him an e-mail telling him that it makes no sense for me to wait 2 weeks to have him elaborate on something that he has already expressed to me loud and clear and that being friends would not be an option. It's kind of cleansing because now I can really start NC today instead of waiting two more weeks to even start it!

Thanks Annie, I just need to let go of the in-person thing because that is why I asked to meet with him in the first place. I hate the fact that we had so much and it ends with e-mail. But at the same time I know I am letting him have control if he calls when he feels like meeting in person. I just want to let him know that I realized my contribution to our problems and will work on them for me and wherever my future leads me. (with him or not).....I can't do it in an e-mail because it sounds too sappy. I guess he will just never know.... =( Damn technology.

ugh, "we be" ..... "we are" I meant

thanks....will keep you posted after he comes back to give you the updates. but in the meantime, NC day 1! hopefully I'll make enough progress to not even care if he calls in two weeks (haha wishful thinking) the good news is this time last year I made all the classic mistakes so at least I've learned from my own smarts that the begging calls/crying/etc does not work. Man how many times do we need to get our hearts broken before we be strong enough to get through break-ups?

we have been dating since october but it has been a very short "long-term" relationship. But I have had another relationship for 3 years and went through all of the same stages as this one. Falling in love, meeting the family on both sides, getting out of the honeymoon stage, talking about our future, working through issues, etc Yes the break-up was over e-mail but we have been having problems for a while so I guess maybe this was his "last straw". Really my fault I think but now I would do anything to get him back.... I have another post that explains the story in this same "break-up" board if you want the details.

No i agree with you guys. I wasn't his friend before I met him so I'm just not sure how that would work.... Of course I want him back but NC is the way to go...I don't even think I would really run into him unless at a random bar or something in the future. I have been through too many heartbreaks to fall for it. It just hurts so much that a week ago he was "in it for the long run" and now it's "I am a great girl but"..... Basically we broke up over an e-mail thread and I asked him if we could talk in person to make sure that we really meant everything that was said...and this was his response. The problem is that he is going on a trip and will be back in two weeks and he said he will call me when he is back and "take it from there". He said he would really like to talk to me in person as well to "discuss the direction of this" but he needs the two weeks to gather his thoughts and "hopefully communicate them clearly".....I don't know, sounds like he has already communicated his thoughts loud and clear..... do you think he would change them and reconsider me after 2 weeks or are these just two weeks of torture for him to say the exact same things in person? I hope these two weeks fly by just to get them over with. I don't know, it's been two days since the e-mail break up and seems like an eternity....

Could it be any harsher? He wrote me an e-mail and said how he needed time to himself to truly see if he can move on without me..... but the killer line is "You are great girl, but sometimes things do not work out they we want them to." Full paragraph "Regardless of the way this is going, I still want to be apart of your life. We have gone through so much together. Cutting our losses is not the way to go. Let continue this friendship and keep in touch. You are great girl, but sometimes things do not work out they we want them to." I just need to vent....after everything calling me a "Great girl" has to be one of the worst things someone can say. It goes along with the it's not you it's me, I need space, I love you but not in love statement..... So upsetting....

Thanks Tyler. Anyone else have any advice?

So I need advice about details. at work yesterday we pretty much broke up over an e-mail thread. His last two: #1 "Even if you think I am perfect, which by enlarge I AM NOT PERFECT.... I have my own problems to deal with too. I am still at a point where I am trying to find myself. If I spend all my time worrying and thinking about you and trying to help you through your rough times, I can not even help myself. You have WAY TOO MUCH on your plate right now to worry about me... Work, Moving, school, MED school, your own friends, family, etc.... I think we need time apart. If that means never seeing eachother ever again, I and willing to take that risk, because you have a lot to accomplish in the next few years. And relying on a Loved one 100% of their time is not going to be easy. You are the most beautiful girl I have ever dated, and the most talented... I have never loved a girl as much as I loved you. I do not want to lose you, but I am willing too lose you for your own good... I am going have to let you go until I come back from Italy. At that time I will try to get in touch with you... and we can go from there.... If you never want to see me... I will be hurt, but willing to deal, just as long as you find yourself... and someone that is willing to make the effort that I have tried up to now..." I wrote back...."these are not the first time I've heard these words....goodbye X" #2: "But I dont think you understand how much I have done to keep you close, but my fustration is too strong right now. I make verys said, that you don't see anything from my eyes... I do think this will ever work... especially if we keep blaming each other. If those are you final words ('good-bye'), then I will have to except them.... I am truly sorry to so you go... but i think it for the best..." I do see things from his eyes! Its just so hard to say everything you want to say through e-mail. I want to be a better person for this to work (for me and for us) but don't know if it's too late. We literally had our last fight the night before over the phone and then over e-mail at work the next day. I don't want things to end this way and I spoke with a friend about it. I left a vm and e-mail and said: " I also left you a voicemail, but I think it would be good for us to meet in person sometime next week to talk over coffee (or some other drink for you), not necessarily to be together right away (if that is even what is best for us) but I think it would help us both..... Considering last night we were both tired and frustrated in our phone conversation and e-mail tends to exacerbate the negative I don't want our last good-bye's to be based on that alone. I do not want your last (and lasting) impression of me to be based on these e-mails and I would think that you wouldn't as well. I do see things from your eyes and appreciate your efforts and I believe you feel the same towards me.... that may not be enough but I think that an in person conversation would at minimum bring that to closure. Have a great time this evening and perhaps I will talk to you after our emotions settle down a little bit" I will wait to hear from him but it is killing me. I don't expect to hear from him this weekend but don't want to not hear from him before he leaves for Italy this Friday. I am just afraid that he will come back and realize he doesn't want to be with me permanently because of his last impressions on the e-mail thread...... My questions is Is it too late already? From his last e-mails do you think he has given up on me already?

I think that communication is key and congrats for opening it up. But I think one of the main things for it to work between you to is for her to be able to forgive the past (forgetting is hard) and really try to start over... I had an ex-bf where we had a very similar situation. He would mess up, I would get disappointed, we would fight about it, something else would happen, and the cycle would start all over again. He would get frustrated because he was trying and I would get frustrated because he just wasn't getting it. Anyway, things didn't work out between us and here are my thoughts as to why 1) I wasn't concentrating on any of his efforts in trying and just pointing out the bad things 2) He just wasn't changing So my advice is this, if you truly want things to get better, tell her that you will communicate and try your damndest to change to keep her, but she needs to understand that it won't happen overnight. There will be setbacks, you need encouragement when you are doing things right. I'm not sure what your issues are, sorry I didn't read all of your links but another thing to think about is this: Is it an issue (that can be worked through by both parties), a flaw (that you need to work on yourself), or just who you are? No one is perfects but sometimes instead of trying to change someone and look for the perfect relationship, sometimes you just need to be willing to accept the things that aren't......I don't know if it is applicable for your girlfriend but something that I figured out after a couple of hard break-ups. The one that I am talking about was really a flaw of his (if he did it one time it wouldn't be in issue in isolation but it just kept on building up after 30 instances or so over 3 years) and I realized it wasn't working for me. Of course possibly the truth is that you just weren't meant to be and that is what happened with my ex and I Good luck either way!

Hi I have been reading a lot of posts and it seems like there are tons of "my gf/bf of 3 years...."..... Does anyone have any thoughts on why this seems to be such a popular break-up time?

Thanks so much. I guess I am confused with your last paragraph. "Do not give him false hope that everything might be ok in the future." Ok with me or ok with us? If I get professional help I'm sure that I will get better. As far as us I would have no idea.

kyo I just want to say how sorry I am for your loss. I cannot say I know exactly what you are going through but just some of my own thoughts from my own personal experience. Many other people have given great advice (and I admire you for your own wise thoughts from your experience) and I'm sure some of these will overlap what has been said: *As much as grieving hurts now, it is important to do it. I lost my mother to cancer when I was 9 and cried for the first time about it years later. I never fully grieved my father's death in Jan 2004 (of ALS) until last fall. By holding it in and not dealing with it I was hoping it would miraculously go away but it caught up with me eventually and affected me physically (chest pains, etc). *It's okay (and helped me cope) to be strong for others, like your mother. Coversely, it's okay to be weak at other times and let those around you be strong for you *A lot of people want to help but are not sure how to. Sometimes they need guidance on how best to help at any given time. "Thanks for the offer but I would like to have time to myself" or "You know I'm really in the mood to go to the movies".....This isn't necessary but some people are just waiting for the right cue to show you how much you deserve to be loved and cared for at this time. *Dreams are a funny way of having your body cope. I still have dreams about my father but I think they have progressed to him dying in my dreams to him living in my dreams and helping me with other issues *From my own experience, my father did not pass away unexpectedly. He knew he was going to die and it took a few slow years of suffering before he passed. But the good news is I got to say good-bye and come to an understanding that he was proud of me, I loved him, all that kind of stuff.....it sounds like you had such a good relationship with your father that he left you on similar terms... which brings me to my other points *All issues in life are relative, no issue is too large to go to bed angry because the person you are having the issue with may not wake up the next day for you to make up *Realize what is important in life....I know that I want to experience life to it's fullest now because who knows how long it may be *I went to my father's funeral and there were lines of people including students from his over 30 years of teaching, telling me "your father made such a difference in my life". I hope that in my life I touch the lives of others as much as he did. *Your father won't be physically there to see your family but know he is a part of you since he raised you and bringing his values/memories to your children and others around you will always keep his legacy alive. And I am not super religious and not sure if I feel that my father is "watching over me" but I still strive everyday to make him proud. It sounds like you are an amazing caring person and I wish you the best.

Hello everyone.....it's funny that I haven't visited this forum since my last breakup but I'm glad that I know about this site this time around because the posts are so helpful. So here goes.... Broke up with a love about a year ago because the LDR wasn't working....absolutely heart breaking and a tough break-up. Well last fall, trust me I was not looking for anything and then I found the person I am currently in love with.....he is was/is so caring and wonderful as as much as I had my guard up because I did not want to get hurt again, we fell in love. I love him with all my heart and care about him so much.....he says I am the best girlfriend as far as thinking of him, caring for him and him being able to trust me too....everything was great except for the issue below. Well things have been rough these past few months....honeymoon stage passed (expected) but then things got really rough. I mostly blame myself because I am having one of those quarter-life crises started in feb or so, not sure about my job, stressing out, worrying, depressed etc. It is hard because the reason I moved out here was my job, I put 200% into it and with a sudden illness of a co-worker it made me realize that close relationships are more important than any job will be and I feel that I am lacking in that department.... Because I am such a workaholic and put my extra time into this new bf, I have not made many friends out here. I don't have a close relationship with my family so it is tough for my bf and I know it's not fair to put so much pressure on him. In May especially I have been working way too much, getting little sleep and my body crashed. I saw a doctor and he wanted me to see a therapist, which I am because I have other problems that cause my anxiety (being in the WTC on 9/11, losing both parents to cancer and another fatal illness at some point in my life, etc) The problem with my bf is that he is one that tries to fix everything and if he can't he gets frustrated with me. I am trying to explain to him that this is something that I am going through and I don't expect him to fix it but just be there to listen. This issue has caused many fights recently..... Anyway I think he is sick of me being down and negative.....and neither of us want to break up because we both love each other so much but it has been really trying for both of us. Should I give up on this? I know I need to work on myself first but I don't know if I have to do it on my own (without a bf) or not? I don't want to lose him but maybe I am being selfish. So I really do think this is a case of "I need to figure out things on my own/work on myself" issue. I know that I shouldn't blame myself for everything but I just can't help thinking that I have too much emotional baggage for any guy to be able to put up with me. Although my last break-up was different, I feel that the similarity is that I "pushed" them away. I do have alot going for me, great job, living in a great city but I can't help feeling overwhelmed and lost especially now that he is questioning being with me anymore. He is the one thing that has been keeping me going in my current state and I don't think he understands that because I am not smiling/laughing as much anymore. Another thing is that he get disappointed when he tries so hard but I am still depressed. I guess my issues are beyond his efforts. I would hate to lose someone I love so much because of this. I don't know what to do. Should we take a break?

Thank you both. I will just play it day by day

Hi, I met this wonderful guy and am very cautious because I was very hurt by the last guy I was in love with. Nevertheless, I am seriously falling for this new guy (may be infatuation because it has only been a couple of months) and he has already expressed his feelings for me. He says I am perfect, at least perfect for him, we have a solid trust base and I feel that I can totally be myself around him - he knows that I can't cook, I am messy, I complain when I feel fat, etc I guess I am doubting that it's really love right now - but the question I have is he has really involved me in his family very quickly. Maybe it depends on the person but he told me - "you have to understand how much it means to introduce you to my family...." Do you think that they are related to one another?

but I still don't get the 95% thing, I don't know if that is his way of saying he's not sure if he loves me at all......I think he still does at least to some degree

Thanks for the replies. Yes we are not together right now and I guess even if he decides that he loves me we still may not be if he doesn't want to do an LDR. On a good note, I went out with another guy last night and we had a great time. We really clicked, which surprised me because I was going in with low expectations (I never really "went on dates" in college and this was one of the first) and he wants to see me again! It was pretty amazing, no lulls in conversation, joking around, met up with his friends later and then kissed at the end of the night. But I am not going to rush into anything, the last thing I want to do is hurt the new guy. Another reason why closure would be so good for the entire situation Thanks again for your help.