egirl2005

Hi Scout and NJRon: I have read your posts on line and have always found them well thought out and on the money. Your right NJRon I wasn't getting my needs met and I thought of leaving occasionally but it always felt like throwing out the whole basket of apples when only one was bad. Do you know what I mean? No marriage is perfect and mine seemed better then most. Scout you are right I do have self esteem issues. I come from a difficult back round and have abondonment issues and appearance issues but I am working on that. These problems have become worse during my marriage because of my husband physical rejection and now the affair. All I can say is I'm scared. I'm scared for my son, his emotional and financial well being. He loves his father and would miss not seeing him everyday. I'm scared that I will be alone, while I am not ugly or even unattractive I an not beautiful by today's standards have doubts about what I am. I'm scared that I'm not strong enough to be a single parent. I'm scared that not matter what decision I make it will be wrong in some way, even thought I know a decision has to be made. Did I say I was scared? (LOL) I'm a people pleaser and I feel like a coward. In my heart I want him to make the decision to leave because then I don't have to live with the what if's. What if I had done this, what if I had done that or been more patient. I want to be strong like a lot of the people of this site and people I know. I have to go now but I would love to hear from people, it helps not to feel alone. Thanks all

I don't know what to do! In November of 2004 my husband of 13 years started an affair with a co-worker 7 years our senior. He told me about it on March 5, 2005. For the last year we have been going back and for between separating and trying. Counselling did not work for him and he doesn't like to read books. He still works with her and he speaks to her almost every day. As of February 16, 2006 he has stopped calling her on his cell phone but still talks to her at work often. Before that he would call her several times a day even from our home. He doesn't know why it happened and he says he has done everything wrong in the last year; he has a bad temper and while he doesn't hit he says things that hurt very badly and if we argue or fight he always runs back to her. I believe it happened because we basically had a sexless marriage. We both agreed that the marriage was very good except in this respect. In the beginning it was basically once every two weeks but that changed quickly and at the end we were every 9 months. This was his choice, he admits this and I very much wanted more and spoke to him about it often. He denied there was a problem and said that was just the way he was. Since the affair began he has not been able to be with me. He says he loves me, our son and our life but that there is no physical chemistry for him (I can't tell you how I feel now because I am seeing everything through hurt and anger). He doesn't know why he can't be with me now or if he will ever be able to be with me again. He says he thinks it is guilt but I don't agree. He says he worries and feels guilty about what will happen to my son and I if he leaves. Most people want me to leave him because of the way he has treated me he has said and done some really horrible things. He has told me twice that if I want sex so bad I was willing to ruin our son's life I should just go out to a street corner and pick up the first guy. He says he was angry at the time and that I was pressuring him and that's why he said it, no excuse, I know. My husband if very passive when it comes to stuff like this. He wonud never think to set up counselling, I had to do that. He would never think to pick up a book and read it I basically had to force him. He doesn't understand why he can't be her friend. I have always handled all the "Stuff" in our life ie banking, birthdays, family outings, events with friends etc. etc. All he is aggressive about it work and when he wants something. The rock and a hard place I am between is this: Do I stay with him knowing we will never have PASSION but may be able to get back the respect, companionship and limited physical affection that we did have and learn to live with the knowledge that he can be another way with someone else or do I leave, take time to heal and hope maybe in the future that I find these things with someone who wants all of me. My fear and his fear is that now that he has felt this PASSION he will be to weak to pass up temptation again especially with seeing her everyday. The physical part of their relationship happened about a dozen times more in the last year, he says each time we had decided to end things (he always lied about where he went, saying he was going to a friend's but I always found out and he always came back a wanted to fix things) I don't even know if he really wants to try, sometimes I think he just wants me to be the one to end it so he can be with her without guilt (he says that not it). He says he's afraid he might be in love with her. He's not giving me any definite feels on which way he wants to go, I guess because he is still so confused. I have to be honest, part of the reason I am fighting so hard is because I don't think I can live with this woman in my son's life. How do people do that??!! I don't know what my question is and I know other people can't make my choices for me I'm just scared that if I decide to leave I will regret it later because he really is a decent man but everything has change now and I don't know how to fix it. How do you learn to live with the knowledge that your husband doesn't want you but is perfectly capable of being with someone else and see this woman everyday?

Hi Cranston: I didn't get the impression that you are a bad guy at all. In fact I see a lot of myself in you. My husband has neglected me physically for years and when I tried to talk to him about it he brushed it aside like it didn't matter or there really wasn't a problem. I read all the books, I tried sexy clothes, being aggressive, being demure, I wanted to go to couselling, I work, I take care of our son, our home etc. etc. One year ago he had an affair with a co-worker, he still works with her and can't seem to make up his mind where he wants to be but he doesn't want to let his housekeeper, banker etc. etc. go. He gave to her what I had been asking for no begging for, for years. I'm not talking once a month in our case, I'm talking every 6 to 9 months. My husband has not touched me since August of 2004! I understand that you are ready to give up (because I am) and maybe that is for the best in this case because like my husband it sounds like your wife wants it her way and only her way. Now I could be wrong, we are hearing only your side of things, but if she can tell you that your needs are not even important enough to discuss, where do you go from there? My one piece of advice, do not, do not go out with anyone especially a co-worker. You will come off the bad guy no matter what, end of story. Your children will never look at you the same, you are involving a third party in your problems and they don't deserve that, and you will be jepordizing your job but most important of all....YOU WILL NEVER LOOK AT YOURSELF THE SAME AGAIN. EVEN IF YOU FEEL JUSTIFIED, YOU WILL HAVE DONE SOMETHING THAT IS WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS. What if you come to care about this co-worker you are talking about, will your children and family ever accept her, or will she just be the homewrecker. If you have exhausted on options and feel you need more get your divorce and move on; you, your family and children will respect yourself more in the long run. My husband had the audacity to tell me after his affair if sex was so important that I was willing to ruin our son's life by leaving him I should just go out to a street corner and pick up the first guy I see. I'm still trying to make my husband love and respect me in all it's forms (not only as a person but a woman) but each day gets harder and I doubt he and I will ever get past all this. I'm 38 years old and I have told him it's her or me, not more inbetween. If he stays I expect everything, if he can't be that then leave with my blessing. I just hope this time he doesn't play me. While that my piece, may not help but it can't hurt. An affair is never an answer, even a date, it just clouds the picture.

Piers: I am your wife so to speak. My husband of 13 years had an affair at work and we have one child. For the last year (almost to the day he told me) he has been going back and forth not knowing what he wants and with each call, each time he sees her, he has killed a little more of my love. At the moment I am trying too save my marriage only for my son's sake. Like you not everything was perfect but we were happy, even he admits this and like you he doesn't know why he did it. Like you my husband loves his job and is in a specialized field. If he leaves it would be a large change in life style for us, funny how know matter what happen's my son and I suffer, but the other woman doesn't! I know you didn't say this but it is the impression I received. While you know your wife has REASON to ask you to leave your job, you don't believe she has the RIGHT too ask you to leave your job and change your life. What you have to remember is that your wife is not telling you that you have to leave your job, she is telling you what she can live with in the circumstances YOU have created. We are all intelligent people and I know studies show that most affairs happen in the work place but the old saying still applies. (Pardon my language) Don't S*** where you Eat, Don't F*** where you Work!! You choose to jeporadize your wife, your kids AND your job and now you don't want to have to give up anything. Do you think your wife would want you to leave your job if you were having an affair with someone you met in a bar and didn't work with? (Okay maybe in your case she would because it sounds like your job has been an issue, but you get my point). Everyday I sit in my office and wonder if my husband is talking too her, smiling at her, flirting with her, going to lunch or a hotel with her. I have choosen not too push the job changing issue until I am sure of what I want but his not being willing to sacrifice after the pain he has caused tells me a lot. Like you my husband has proven that he is too weak to stay away from this woman (his words) so why should your wife feels safe and loved with you working with her. I'm not here to tell you to stay with your wife and kids and make it work or that forgetting about S will be easy or even that you shouldn't give things with S a try, but I am telling you this; it's easy to SAY your sorry but hard to prove it and putting ultimatum's on what you are willing to do, i.e. quit your job, move, go into couselling, give up S, sleep in the spare bedroom etc. is defeating yourself before you even start. Now I have something to say to all the people who have posted. Good Job your advice is sound and I thank you for all the times you have helped me as well. That said I only disagree on one thing, well maybe more. One of the posters said maybe he wasn't getting the emotional support he needed, another said that this wouldn't of happened if there weren't problems before hand. I don't believe this is true in all cases maybe his but not all. Maybe he doesn't know what he wants out of life and because he doesn't know what he want nothing will satisfy him for long no matter what she does. Maybe he is selfish with an ingrained belief that he is entitled to whatever makes him happy in the moment and his wife has recognized this but chooses to live with it because she loves him and it's part of who he is. He himself wrote that he thought of leaving because his wife had issues with his job. Well it's 5 years later and he's still in the same job, sounds too me like she has sacrificed some of the things she wants for their marriage and children as well, not only a hobby. I know people are not justifying what he did, I understand that but by saying maybe he wasn't getting what he needed, we do justify it! Maybe he wasn't giving her what she needed either, did she go out and have an affair? No, she sucked it up and made the best of it and was the stronger person. People who have affair need to stop feeling sorry for themselves, I understand you have disappointed everyone, including yourselves, I understand that it is hard to give up the other person or your family. I get it!! Now bit the bullet and do what it takes to become a better person in whatever situation you choose to enter. Don't go around feeling sorry for yourselves, do whatever it takes in whatever situation you are in to make the people you care about feel loved, safe, and understood. You may be surprised, that what you give out will be returned to you, especially in marriage!

Thank you all for your support and advice, it means more to me then you will ever know. You are right, this isn't my fault and I can't stay with him just too keep other people happy or because other people will think I gave up to easily. Shadows Light thank you, what you said about the level of intimacy in a relationship it really made me think. I feel like I can be his friend but nothing more at this point even if he know bent over backwards the trust is gone. And as terrible as it sounds I do not want my son to grow up to be like him. I want my son to grow up like me! I person who is willing to do anything for the people they love (even sacrifice there own needs from time to time), a person who is willing to work on problems not just bury them under a rug, a person who is strong enough to stand on their own two feet and take care of themselves. I can't agree with you about the other woman. I think we let the other parties off to easily in these situations. This woman knew he was married, she had met my son and I and she is 7 years our senior with 4 kids. She is also separated from her husband because he messed around on her so she's been through this and choose to put another woman and child through this. Deal breaker in my book, I could never put another person through what I'm going through. Thank you again for listening to me and I will let you know how I'm doing. Love to all!

](*,) I'm sitting at my computer at 11:30 at night because I can't shut off my thoughts. Some nights I can't sleep because I am trying to talk myself into staying with my husband and other nights (like tonight) I'm talking myself out of staying with him. I found out last March 5 that my husband of 13 years was having an affair with a woman in his office. It broke my heart...he had been rejecting? ignoring me sexually for years. I'm not a perfect person but I know right down to my soul that I would never, no matter how bad things got have had an affair. In the last 11 months I know I have made mistakes in how I handled things but I honestly feel I have tried everything. He left our home in March and didn't come back until July. He will not leave his job, he says he's looking for one but not really hard. He refused to go to counselling for the longest time and said he would not live his life on a leash; he tells me it happened, he doesn't know why, he sorry, get over it. When I finally did get him to go to counselling he started calling her on his cell phone again; 41 times in 30 days and he sees her at work. When I asked him why, he says they are helping each other through a hard time. I found out that he has been with her at least twice since July, he says both times were after I had said I thought it was over. He had the right to go to her because I did feel it was over but I don't think he had the right to come back, lie about where he was and make me think that he really wants to save this marriage. He keeps pulling me back in with guilt and a little bit of kindness, pardon me, I keep letting him pull me back in. I think because I am afraid! The guilt comes from the fact that we have a 7 year old son and I am afraid this will ruin his life. My husband and I have not made love, had sex since August 2004 his choice, he says he just doesn't feel that way about me right now, or he doesn't know how to make the first move. I don't even know if I could respond because so much has been said and done. I can't get pictures of them out of my head. I loved my husband flaws and all. He had a quick temper but he never hit people, he's a little arrogant but I always thought he had reason because he was smart and attractive. He was a good provider and a good father. No he did not fulfill my needs sexually but I thought he had a low sex drive and since he never fooled around I learned to live with it. I was proud to call him my husband and he knew that, I never disrespected him. I don't see him that way anymore. I now see that he uses that quick temper to get what he wants; he knows I don't handle anger well so when I'm saying something he doesn't want to hear he pretends I'm not making sense and gets angry so I will back down. That touch of arrogance is more than a touch, he said to me that I only think of myself, that I am ruining my son's life while continuing to call this woman from our home while my son and I are in bed asleep. In July when he came home he bought himself a new BMW and a $2000.00 laptop. We owe $40,000.00 on our line of credit! When he is trying to be nice to me he acts like a 15 year old, poking at me, making fun of me, then he says that's he way. I guess I don't like his way very much anymore. He has never given me cards to say sorry or flowers. He has never said he will do anything not to lose me or our son. It's been about a week and a half since he's called her (at least on our cell phones) I don't know if he's found another way to contact her or if she's away. He still doesn't kiss me, hug me, touch me or tell me he loves me and when I ask him why he says because I don't to him. I tried several times over the last 11 months only to be rejected again and again. I can't make that first move again and I have tried to explain this to him. I have worked with a counsellor and we discovered that the reason I am having a hard time leaving is that I promised myself that I would never abandon anyone the way I felt abandoned growing up. (long story short, my father was an acoholic who beat my mom, she left when I was 18 and didn't tell me where she was going or take me with her) I am not happy and I don't think I will ever be happy again and that's not like me. I used to be a very positive person, I over came my history. I have a relationship with both my father and mother. I am very angry with my husband and this woman for what they have done to my life and I hate the lack of control I have over what they do. I feel like a coward because I can't find the strength to move in any direct at the moment but (I know it's petty) but I don't want that witch to win and I don't want to have to share my son with her. I really don't like myself right now.

Hi: I have not posted in a while but here is a short version of my story. My husband of 13 years had an affair with a secretary in ohis office. I found out in March and many things happened but in July we both decided to give it another try. Our marriage was good with one major problem, we never had sex; it was his decision. Things were not going well so I took the advice of some of your members and found a counsellor. My husband finally agreed to go in late October, this was a last ditch effort. We saw the counsellor on October 27, November 3 and November 8. I felt we were making progress. I was not so angry and was starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel and even my husband agreed she was very good. At the first meeting I and the counsellor made it clear that even though he still worked with her, he could not have contact with her beyond Hello and Goodbye and work related stuff. He agreed. On the 8th the counsellor gave us an exercise to do, she asked us to go up to our room each night and cuddle, talk and become comfort with each other again for a half an hour. If it went farther great, if not no pressure not guilt. My husband couldn't do it. I tried just cuddling on the couch and rubbing his chest but he would pull away. I asked him if he wanted to go see the counsellor by himself and get some things off his chest that he couldn't talk to me about. He agree and saw her on Monday, on Monday night he came home. He looked like he wanted to talk and I told him I was there to listen, but no pressure. He said that he didn't know why he couldn't be intimate with me or talk to me, he had some kind of block which is fine, I'm trying to understand, but then he told me he had been talking to the OW for a week and a half on the phone in the office. When I asked him why, he said he was lost and he needed someone to talk too. I said why her and he didn't answer me. I got angry and told him that I thought we were now fighting for our marriage not him still trying to decide between the two of us and told him I was going to call her and end it once and for all. Tell her not to make herself so available, that I was trying to save my family. My husband got very angry and for the 1st time in our marriage got physical with me. He grabbed my PJ top and jerked it up around my neck and back walked me from the bathroom to our bedroom pushing me into a table, all the while screaming, "don't you % go near her, don't you call her, don't you dare". The next morning he said he was sorry and cried. He said he didn't want to lose his family. My question is: Is he just playing me? He says one thing but does another. I feel like he wants out but doesn't have the guts to end our marriage, he wants me to do it. I don't think I will ever look at him the same way again. When I ask him want he wants he just says (even after 8 months) that he doesn't know. I can't fix this by myself and I'm just so tired. Why can't he keep his word and stay away from her?

My husband and I have only been back together for 3 months and he has not made any motions towards being intimate with me. We have had a very bad week and emotions have been running high, on Tuesday night we were trying to talk. I am still trying to find our why he did this, when he told me he is still attracted to this woman (he works with her) and that his feelings are still very confused but he said he loves me and wants to work on our marriage. The next morning I called him at work and asked him if he was still in love with her, he said he was not but that he was still attracted. So I spent the day trying to find us a counsellor thinking there was hope. He called me at 3:00 p.m. told me he thinks we need a trial separation (he has nowhere to go but to her) and he would find alternate living arrangements. Then he called me at 7:00 p.m. at home and asked if it was too late to save our marriage, when I said I didn't know he hung up. He called at 8:00 asking if he could come home, so I said yes. This is about the 8th or 9th time he has left and come back and I don't know how much more I can take. After his affair when he asked to come home I thought he would sweep me off my feet and due everything in his power to make me feel loved and wanted and desired and now I just feel like I will never be good enough. Something about her will always be more exciting, more attractive etc. yet he still says he wants to save our marriage. I don't know how to get past or forgive all the things he has said to me. I don't even know where to start. How do you forget the fact that your husband wouldn't make love to you but goes out and has an affair, then tells you there was never any passion in the marriage for him and that he still feels things for this woman he works with. I don't know where to start healing.

Thank you all for your posts, they really helped. I felt like I was doing everything wrong. phrecklesrsexy my husband does hold me or anything and when I tell him I am having a bad day, you know pictures in your head etc. he gets distant and his tone of voice says (oh not again) He has never given me a card, flowers anything since this happened. He says he's sorry but doesn't believe he should have to say it more then once. I have started reading a book call, How can I forgive you and do I have to? It says it is harder for a person to forgive the person who wronged them if they do not do the things you need them to do. I wish my husband understood this. I need him to be caring, gentle and romantic right now, he pokes at me, makes jokes and pushes me around like a teenage boy. When I tell him this is not working he says this is his way, he is not romantic. When he said he never felt passion in our marriage, he belittled what little sex life he allowed us and I feel he should be making me feel like he can't get enough of me not like he is still getting over what he had with her. Like he has sacrificed so much to come back to us. I know part of me wants to end my marriage before I invest anymore time and energy in a man our won't even try and change for me but I am scared I am giving up to soon and I will regret my decision in the future. It's really hard to know what to do when you are so scared you will make the wrong decision.

My husband and I are trying to recover from his infidelity. I finally went to see someone and after 7 months of my asking he went to this person also. We plan; planned to go together in the near future. After he went I asked him what they had talked about (I know I shouldn't but I'm scared, scared that he is telling this guy that he is in love with someone else but doesn't want to lose his son, scared that that I will never be what he really wants) When he seemed relucant to tell me I over reacted and told him it was over, that I couldn't do this etc. I told him that the therapist had told me I had to be nice and prettier then usual etc. in order to win him back, that if I expected him to woo me back I would be disappointed. I really feel like I am still doing all the work and he is off the hook. I really thought the therapist would be telling me/him he needs to be doing more. We don't have sex, his choice, he rarily kisses me, holds me or hugs me unless I do it first. This morning he left mad; that's a real problem because he works with the woman he had an affair with. I feel like we/I am going through all of this and this other woman is sitting there and life with her looks so easy. I called him at work to apologize for asking what he had spoken to the therapist about and for yelling at him. He said fine in a short way but that he was tired of my games and he didn't think he could be what I wanted him to be. I felt very frustrated by his anger and said I thought it was over because I couldn't live with the fear that he would always leave if I got angry or upset, he said fine it's done I'm tired of your games. I feel like I am sabatoging (?) any chance we may have of fixing this and I don't know if I am doing that because I am scared of being hurt again, because I really don't believe he is making any form of restitution for the things he has said and done or because I just don't want him back but don't want to be the one to end it and hurt our young son. I'm I expecting too much from him, is just coming home at night and being nice enough? We neve had sex in our marriage, his choice and he doesn't understand why his holding back physically scares me. I want him to talk to me about everything so we can create a more intimate bond, he doesn't want to talk about anything. I feel guilty for not knowing exactly what I want or need right now? How do I back off a bit and get him to get in the game?

Your right, you are absolutely right. I hear what you are saying in my head but I am having trouble following thought with my heart. I guess part of me knows that if I blame my husband more or equal to her then there will be no forgiving him. ( I have not forgiven him yet and I am not sure I am going to stay with him yet). But let me ask you this. If my husband quits his job and has to take a lower paying job because there are no jobs in his field, who suffers? My son and I. Our way of life is yet again changed and we suffer when we did nothing wrong! This is what I mean about penalties. I can see my husband coming home every night, I can see him going to counselling, I can see his guilt and what he is doing to fix our marriage. What about her responsiblity? You yourself said they are both responsible! She is hovering over my marriage like a vulture. I would think that out of respect if not guilt for the pain and damage she has done to my son and I, she would move on and let us have a chance to fix this without having to change every part of our lives. Without my husband's income (he is our primary bread winner) we may have to move, my son would lose his home, his friends etc. I know my husband is as responsible BUT SO IS SHE and she hasn't had to change anything. They don't know about her at work, her family isn't devastated. One little change on her part would make a major difference in my life. I sit and listen to myself and I realize I should not be on this site because I am still too angry and hurt. I am not looking for answers to questions I am venting and that not fair to the people on this site. It also makes me scared that I will not be able to move past this pain and that maybe I should leave my husband because it really doesn't matter if they work together or not, if I trusted them not to do this again, it wouldn't matter right?

Please understand that this questions is coming from all the anger I feel from having been cheated on. I understand that it takes two, I understand that they are both responsible but I am livid that the woman my husband had an affair with. I don't know what he told her about me but it doesn't really matter. The woman my husband cheated with is 7 years older then we are (she is 45) 45, at what point do you know better at what point do you grow up and stop being selfish. She is divorced from a husband who cheated on her. She knew we were married (she works with him) she knew we had a child and she knew from her own experiences that it could only end badly. She knowingly inflicted this pain on me and my son. I try very hard not to say never but I can tell you that it was me being denied sex in our relationship for a long time and I never thought about cheating (I did think about leaving) but not cheating and now having experienced this (if it's been done to you, you understand, if not I would not wish this on my worse enemy) I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I could never do this to another man or woman! My question is how could she? I don't get it. I understand people make mistakes and it makes me happy to see people in this site learning from their mistakes. Most people who have had an affair with a married person will never do it again. What kind a person would, knowing the damage it would cause. How can my husband respect this woman. He won't quit his job, so I said to ask her to leave, she is a secretary she can find work in a lot a places unlike his field which is specialized. He tells me the world isn't black and white and she had four kids. While quess what, she knew all of this going into it so why won't she move on and let us try and fix our life. To me she is still being selfish. Sorry for rambling, I'm still very angry. My question is when someone knowingly does something wrong shouldn't there be some kind of penalty or payback? Some lose? Why does society say they made a mistake, they deserve forgiveness? Maybe this wouldn't be so prevelent in our society if there where consequences for the parties involved!

I feel like a failure! My husband of 13 years had an affair with a co-worker. He is having trouble letting go of her, of the guilt. I have gone through so many stages I don't know where I am at anymore. The last two month's he has been home, he says he is not seeing her outside the office anymore and I believe him, but he is not doing anything to help me heal and he admits he is not doing anything. He doesn't touch me, hug me, tell me he loves me etc. He doesn't call more often nothing. Last Thursday I told him it was over that I could not go on like this ( we had been fighting a lot), he left and went to his family's home and says he used the weekend to think. He says he wants to come home, he wants to save our marriage, he will look for another job, which will be hard to find and get someone to talk too, not about our problems but about his guilt. He says he wants his life back, he wants his family back. He says he does not feel like himself and he feels empty. I asked him what about what I want, he says I guess I should have asked that. To bad I don't know anymore. The problem is I don't know if I have the emotional strength to do this. It has been 6 months since he told me about the affair and he has lied about so much even after he told me. Then he comes home and does nothing to make me feel like this can work. I am trying to understand what he is going through but part of me just doesn't care. I don't understand why he has to care about this person!!!!! He has told me that we did not have a passionate marriage but we did have love and respect. he has never been able to make love to me very much even though I wanted more. He has told me that he fell in love with her, and that he has never experienced this kind of physical passion before. He has told me he has not been able to stop thinking about her. Then in the next breath he says he wants to fix our marriage and that we can fix the sex problem. I admit it, I'm not a strong person, I am easily hurt by what other people say and I take everything to heart. I have never been able to stand up for myself very well either. I have never had much self confidence and what I did have went away when my husband would not make love to me for so many years and then had an affair. I know all of these things could have contributed to the affair, maybe he was looking for someone more confident. Please don't think that I asked him to take care of me. I handled the finances, I take care of most of the stuff to do with our son our home our families etc. etc. It's just emotionally I am easily hurt. Now I feel like a failure because he is saying he wants to fix this and I don't think I can forget about him and this other woman together. I have all these pictures in my head of their passion while our life of me almost begging for his attention combats it. I am scared that I will spend the rest of my life wondering if he is wishing I was someone else, or he was somewhere else or if he will have to pretend that I am her in order to be with me. I have always been too responsible. I take care of everything and everyone at the expense of myself and now I feel like a failure because I don't believe he can change, I think he is too selfish and I think he will expect me to do all the work (which is what has happened so far) I don't want to anymore, when is it my turn to be taken care of. I'm so tired! I guess what I'm asking is how do you live with the fact that you might not want to save your marriage, that you might just want out because it is easier and is that okay. I want a chance to find someone new and exciting who make you feel important not like I were never good enough. I feel selfish because I want to feel something, anything good again and my son is the one who will suffer for my being to scared or to emotionally weak to try again.

I don't know? When people found out they literally told me I was lying that he would never do this to me. We were on vacation with my son in February. He was distant but never mean or cruel. When we came back he went on a business trip for 4 days he called me on the Thursday and told me the trip had been extended one more day and he would be home Friday night. On Saturday morning he told me about the affair but lied about who it was with, he told me he couldn't live with the guilt, he told me that he had come home on Thursday and spent the whole night with her. A month later I got our cell phone bill for $400.00. He had been calling her several times a day from the DR, he told me he had an upset stomach and had to go to the washroom. Since then he has told me he has ended it only to leave a few days later saying that he hadn't and he wasn't ready to give her up. Now he is back but it only seems to be in body (if you know what I mean).

My husband recently returned home after living with the woman he was having an affair with. She works with him. We have always had an almost sexless marriage (not my choice, I tried many things, he always said it was his problem) and now even though he asked to come home he will not come near me. He has been home a month and a half. He says that we never felt PASSION, not so in my case if it was in his he has never admitted it. He says with her it is animal lust that turned into love. He says he is not a machine that he can't just turn it on and off and doesn't seem to understand that I am feeling even more rejected. He says he is very confused and doesn't know what he wants but that he loves me and wants to save our marriage. But every time I try to talk to him about the intimacy issues he says that he may have made a mistake in coming home. Has anyone had experience with a sex therapist? How does that work. I know you can care about someone and not want to have sex with them, but I don't think a wife should have to fall into that category. I would think that now he would want to look into fixing this problem, if it can be fixed. Sometimes I feel like he thinks that he doesn't have a problem anymore, that the problem is only with me, but I feel he is being naive. When he is with this older woman 24-7 and her three kids and her ex-spouse and seeing his son part time does he really believe it isn't going to be same old, same old eventually. I feel like I should walk away now and not try to save this marriage (honestly with the range of emotions I'm going through I don't even know if I love or desire him anymore, but I don't want to make a decision in the heat of the moment and regret it later), he wasn't willing to work on the problem for the last seven years, and he doesn't seem to want to work on it now. He always said it was his problem but he never acknowledged how his problem effected me. He doesn't understand that it is not only about sex but that for me it is about him still caring for me, making me feel desirable after pulling the rug out from under me. He sees this woman everyday and then wonders why I worry when he won't have sex with me?? He makes me feel like a freak. How can I start to heal or move past this (whether we stay together or not) if he is not doing anything to make me feel safe and loved. He screams and yells at me because one day I want to end it and the next I am saying we should keep trying. I try to explain that my emotions are all over the place just like his and that I feel like ending it when I see him not doing the things that I tell him I need him to do right now in order to fix this. We had a very good relationship except for the intimacy. We laughed, with shared dreams for the future and enjoyed a lot of the same things while having our own interests. I felt he worked to much and may have nagged in the last year (the last year I have felt like something was wrong and have even asked him how his girlfriend was) I believe I started nagging because he started to distance himself from me. I don't want to give up what could possibly be fixed but he doesn't understand that now he has to work to make me love and trust him again. He just keeps saying it will never be the same again, I will never trust him so why bother. I feel like he wants me to end it and is pushing me everyway he know how so that he doesn't come off to family and friends as the bad guy again. All the books say I have to do this and I have to do that. What responsibility does he have, what is he suppose to do and why won't he do it. Sorry for rambling I'm just having trouble making a decision one way or another. I have been married to him for 13 years and dated him for 5. He is the only lover I have every had and the unknown scares me.

I don't want to bash you, which would be very easy for me as I am the wife of a man who had an affair with a secretary in his office. She knew he was married and had a young son and she had met both of us. We are currectly trying to fix our relationship. We have been married 13 years. I don't believe you can honestly say to yourself that you were in love with this man before the first time you had sex with him, so how can you justify taking what is not yours. If you were attracted to him and he you, I would think you would tell him you could not be with him unless he was up front with his wife, tell her he is unhappy, leave her and pursue what you feel together. Any other option is not okay or right. There is no exception. Period. Until you have experienced the tidal wave of pain that crashes into one's life when a beloved spouse betrays you; you will not understand what I am talking about. But you will be as responsible as him. There are no consoling thoughts. The future is without interest or hope. The agony of knowing that the person to whom you have devoted your love has betrayed your trust and is now involved in sexual intimacies with a "stranger"... a competitor....a more beautiful? playmate. Death itself would be easier to tolerate than being tossed aside like an old shoe. These are not my words but they accurately describe just some of what I am going through. End this before you have to live with the guilt of having destroyed four innocent lives. Once that's done there will be no happily ever after for anyone.

Hi In March I posted that my husband of 13 years was having an affair and now I am updating that information in the hopes of getting some advice. On March 5, my husband told me he had been having an affair since December, he told me he was going to end it and he wanted to save our marriage. On March 11 he left our home, he said he was going to stay with a friend of his near work because he had a large project and needed to work on it and also because we each needed some space. I found out that he was not staying with this friend but had moved in with the woman. Over the next 6 weeks he told me that he had ended it 6 times and come home only to leave a day or two later saying he had never ended it and a lot of other things. The third week of April I found out that the woman (he had told me her name was Joanne and he met her in a bar) was actually a 45 year old women with 4 kids from his office named Karen. He and I are 37 and have one son 6. I started to toughen up because I could not spend the rest of my life crying and my son has been hurt so much by all of this. I got a lawyer and started separation proceedings, on the day I did this he came home and told me he had ended it and wanted to try to save our marriage. I told him I needed to think and took a couple of days. I have decided for the sake of my son and for my own sanity (I don't want to always question if I rushed to a separation or if I didn't give him time) to take him back. Now I need to know how to move forward. He is in the spare bedroom and I don't know if that is right or if it will push us farther apart. We had a good marriage but with one major problem. My husband never wanted to have sex. I may not be as thin as I would like but I am not gross, I have a beautiful face, hair and skin and before this affair happened I had started working out. I wanted to lose 30 pounds. (I have lost 30 pounds since he told me about the affair). I never pushed my husband away I tried sexy clothes, casual clothes and asked him if it could be medical. I tried being aggressive and I also tried not asking. He would go 5-6 months without touching me. When we did have sex I believed it was good we both found fulfilment. He could never explain why this was. He always said it was his fault. I don't know if I should tell him to come back to our bedroom and if we should try to act like husband and wife etc. He does not touch me much and he does not say he loves me but he has said he still cares for me. During the nine weeks since he told me of the affair we have fought a lot. He said he loved her and couldn't give her up, he said he didn't feel passion for me and he refused to go to a cousellor. He even called me a wh... and a c... when I said I wanted to house so our son and I had somewhere to live. Our finances are not good. He never says anything so I don't know if he is back because of our son and the money or if he really does still care and wanted to work it out for all these reasons. (I'm not stupid enough to believe he is just back for me) I have asked him to consider looking for a new job (his field is very small and he makes good money) I told him that it would be very hard on me to have him seeing her everyday. I also told him that I did not trust him and he would have to teach me that I could trust him in the future. My question is where do we start. Should we be trying to sleep together. I have never confronted this woman either in person or on the phone (we met at a company picnic briefly) but I would like to call her and tell her to stay away. Don't talk to him, don't touch him, don't asked him how things are going. Do your work and STAY AWAY FROM HIM so we can have a chance to fix this. Should I insist on couselling, not to rehash the affair but to figure out where we go from here. I don't think I will ever know the whole story and I don't know how much of myself to put forward again. I don't think I could take being hurt this way again. I really don't even know if I love him anymore. The sex issue is really scaring me, I don't want to go back to what we had, I shut off my sexually needs for a very long time in order to make our life more comfortable and I am not willing to do that again ( I have told him this, he doesn't say anything) but I am scared that the future holds the same. I wish I knew why he had the affair, even if it would hurt to know. Could someone who has maybe had an affair tell me what steps to take to improve our relationship or if I should do nothing and see what he does. I don't know if I should move on because in my head and maybe in my heart I don't believe he is strong enought to fight to make us better. I believe he is just going through the motions in order to get his family to stop being made at him. He said I was stupid one day during a fight to read books etc. to fix this but I don't know what else to do.

Dear DN: You are absolutely right that comment wasn't fair, there are some wonderful men out there and my husband used to be one of them. I wouldn't say that I was bitter, bitter to me implies long term unresolved anger. I am hurt, confused and lonely. Maybe I made it sound like I have been dealing with this for a while but I haven't. My husband told me 6 weeks ago that he was having an affair. In those 6 weeks he continued to lie about who the affair was with (a woman in his office, he sees her everyday) he has also come home 5 times on a Friday and told me he ended it and that he wanted to try and save our marriage only to tell me it wasn't over on the Monday and stay at her home with her and her children all week. I have asked him to stop coming home. I'm an adult and this is hurting me, what is making me angry and maybe a little bitter is the fact that my 6 year old son cries himself to sleep in my arms because he is afraid his Daddy will never come home. Anyway I am sorry for making a general comment; I've never been on a site like this before and I am still learning my p's and q's.

Dear alone girl: I wish I could offer you some advice, but I'm not sure I can. In my case it's a 13 year marriage with a six year old son and a husband who's left to live with his 45 year old mistress and her 4 kids. I understand that you want some explanation some reason why he did this, why he didn't try to fix the problem first, but he may not know himself, you also want him to come back begging on his knees, too just realize what he throwing away but reality is he may never realize that. You have to understand that he's moved on because for him this has been going on for a while, maybe not verbally with you but in his head and heart he was dealing with this. You my dear are still in the beginning stages, you are grieving and mourning for what could have, should have might have been. Some real answers would have made this easier but since you don't know why you are going to have to take time to heal. Your energy will be low, so will your self esteem even though this has nothing to do with you. It really doesn't! My question for you is a hard one and trust me I'm not trying to be cruel because I am having to ask myself the same question. Do you really want him back because things were so wonderful or do you want him back because you don't want her to win or possibly because the unknown future is so much scarier then what you know with him. I think you are incredibly strong to not have called him, I have called my husband to argue with him just because I want to hear his voice. (pitiful I know) I am proud of the fact that I have never called this woman. I have the added burden of having met her because she works in his office with him. Don't call him, if he comes back it will have to be because he realizes his mistake. He will just resent you right know because he is only thinking of himself, if he has to talk to you then he feels guilty and he will take it out on you. (Trust me I know) I wish you peace of heart, mind and soul. He not worthy of you. I friend who knows what I'm going through sent me this quote. Women are like apples. The best apples are at the top of the tree but men are afraid to climb to the top for fear of falling so they pick the easy apples off the ground. The apples at the top of the tree think something is wrong with them, there is nothing wrong with them they just have to wait for a man brave enough to climb the tree. P.S. Men are like grapes. You have to stomp the *$ out of them before they become a wine suitable to service with dinner.

Hi everyone: I wrote a short while ago about how my husband of 13 years had told me he was having and affair etc. etc. The thing is after he told me he was sorry and wanted to save or marriage he left the house during the week saying he had a big project at work and needed to think about only that. I found out that he was staying with her, sleeping with her and had met one of her children. 3 times during the month of March he has come home on the weekends and told me he ended it only to leave again on Monday and go back to her. I also found out that he was calling her when we were on vacation in the DR in February sometimes twice a day and now we have a $420.00 cell phone bill to pay. He can't even tell me why he called her everyday. Our 6 years old son is very confused and so am I. I have asked him why he can't make up his mind and how he can keep hurting me and he just says he doesn't know. This past weekend I told him to go to his parents and take some real time to think. Don't talk to me, don't talk to her, just think, he said okay and then Monday night went out with a friend to a pool hall and then back to his place to talk and play play station. He doesn't understand why this upsets me, he has no clue. I don't know what his decision is going to be, I don't even know if he is still seeing her. My problem is that I don't know if I can take him back after this and if he will even try to fix the damage he's done. For the last month he has been telling me he loves her and can't give her up while yelling at me and telling me I'll never get over it so why should he try. I don't know if that's guilt or the truth. He has not wanted me much in the past 6 years even though I all but begged for physical attention regularly and now he is saying we never had passion and that with her he has found passion. How do I live with the knowledge that he may never touch me again or that when he does he's not thinking of her. I'm not emotionally ready to quit on us because of all our history and our son but I really don't know if it can work. If he had ended it when he told me and made an effort to repair our marriage I know I could have moved on but now I feel like I know to much and even knowing what it was doing to me he continued to lie and sleep with this woman. How do I figure out if I'm staying because I don't want this #!@*# woman to win or if I still really care about him. I love the man he was but not the man he is now and I don't know if he wants to change. I have never contacted this woman but I would love to tell her just what she's done to my son's and my life. She told my husband that she was separated because her husband had cheated on her. How could she do this knowing (and she did know about us) what it would do to us.

Hi: Please bare with me as I have never done this before. My husband of 13 years told me 19 days ago that he has been having an affair for 4 months. He says he did not go looking for this, but that he was the pursurer. In the 19 days since he told me he has told me he has still been in contact with this person, has told me he loves her and is not ready to give her up. He has been cold to me, angry with me and distant while still maintaining that he loves me and our young son. I told him that I would be willing to work on our marriage if he ended the affair but that he could not stay in our home until he did. This is all very abbreviated, there have been many fights, some calm periods and this past Sunday he told me he wanted to save our marriage and that he was going to see her to end it. I told him fine even though I was uncomfortable with him seeing her. He left for 3.5 hours came home, had dinner and we put our son down. He then told me he couldn't do it that he had just driven around for all that time. It was then I told him to leave. On Tuesday I spoke to him and in the morning he told me he wants to come home. I asked him if he had ended it and he said no. I told him he could not come home. I told him that I wanted to speak with him outside our home and we agree to Wednesday night (tonight) he also told me he had ended it. My problem is that he also told me he was at work all day, in an evening meeting from 4:30 to 11:00 pm and in a meeting this morning. So when did he end it. This woman is 8 years older then me and has 3 children. How do I know if my husband is returning because he really wants me and not because he doesn't want to lose the house and our son. I really can't see him trying to improve the situation and I am really tired of being second to everything in his life. I don't believe anything he says anymore and he can't seem to understand that it's going to be that way for a while. My questions is how do you know they are there for the right reasons? Part of me just wants to walk away but I have to think of my son.