Julie2004

Bigbelly2 - Please don't be so hard on yourself. I don't think you are abnormal by being afraid to end your relationship. In fact, I feel that most people who stay in their unhappy marriages do so because they don't have the guts to end it. I have been married for almost 18 years. I tried to divorce 7 years ago. I was scared to death. My husband has a very powerful and intense family, and he is definitely controlling. Plus..I have two kids. He confronted me about a personal issue one time, and then I just whispered to myself.."do it NOW!" So I did. I said I wanted a divorce very clearly and calmly. I shocked the $%^& out of him. After much conversation and yelling, he let me go to bed. Then he woke me up at about 3 am, and every 3 am after that until I let him convince me to work the marriage out. (yes, we had been to counseling, and even the counselor suggested divorce.) Well bigbelly2, here I am today - STILL MARRIED, but yes, I am nervous and I AM GOING TO PULL THE TRIGGER AGAIN!!!. I can't right now, because my son has a big birthday affair in October, and I can't spoil it for him. But my future single "due date" is set in my head, I have a counselor backing me up with support, and a sister whom I confide in to also give me moral support. I have rehearsed this in my mind several times, and probably will continue to do so until October. You see, it is difficult because you know you will inflict pain in someone else. But if marriages were so easy to break up, there would probably be even fewer lasting than there are now. Remember, the greatest things in life are not the easiest to obtain. In this case, it is your independence and the chance for emotional happiness. Keep thinking about the future, and visualize what your life will be like AFTER, and then bit the bullet and tell her. Look at it as a small price to pay for TRUE HAPPINESS!! Life is short, and getting shorter. You will be very proud of yourself after, and don't give in to any of her arguments. Stick to your guns, and maybe pretend you are in a movie role. Hey, even picture Brad Pitt breaking up with Jennifer Aniston. I'm sure that one wasn't easy. Just become someone else for that short time, close your eyes and let the rehearsed words come out. DON'T BACK DOWN! I think as SOON AS THE WORDS COME OUT, you will be happy and experience relief, regardless of any explosions that may come from your "STBX"!!! Good luck, I am rooting for you! PS - I have a sister who I am quite sure is much weaker than you feel, and she did it. She said the worse part was the anxiety before. She felt instantly better the day she told her ex. Close your eyes...put on those Nikes, and JUST DO IT! Smile at the life you will soon be living

Holy Cow!! I am pleasantly SHOCKED by your post. That is such a wonderfully positive twist on your situation. Who cares if you are not quite sure if it is the wisest thing to do (ditching the lawyers)! The way you are feeling right now is priceless! Congrats on regaining control of your life, and keep up that positive momentum.

Boy oh Boy...attacking.....treachery......pain......misery..... I feel your pain, and I have to say that I am going to be the one to inflict such pain. My unsuspecting, oblivious husband will soon be crying such words. Why, then, am I writing? To say that after seeing a few of your posts, yet not quite knowing your full story, your marriage wasn't right. You seem like a great guy...instropective, considerate, thoughtful, etc. The right ingrediants but something in the recipe wasn't right. So that means despite your sadness and pain right now, it COULDN'T have been right for you either!! You deserve, AND WILL FIND, someone more suited to you; someone who will appreciate all your multi-syllable words and deliberate speach, someone who loves the way you look when you can't think of the right words for the moment, someone who has you on their mind when they go to sleep at night, and you are her first thought when she wakes up in the morning. What you had wasn't right. Again, without knowing your whole story, it wasn't right for whatever the reason. Wishing pain and anguish accomplishes nothing but wasted brain waves. When you perform a sport, whatever the sport may be, you must not waste energy and movement in the wrong direction, because then you will not perform your best. For example, runners should not shift their position from side to side, but only forward and steady, to propel their body. Otherwise, the movement is not only wasted, but defeats the purpose of propelling the body forward. YOU ARE WASTING ENERGY!! Yes, I know you need to vent, and this anonymous board is perfect for that. But realize that there is a wonderful woman out there who can't wait to dream about you every night, and wonder what new words you will say to make her smile and she will doodle your last name next to her first name while she is at work. My marriage isn't right. I have been in pain many years, crying silently as a result. My husband will surely call me every name imaginable, and call me selfish and greedy. I have children, and this exacerbates the already sad situation. I think about this every day, hour, and minute. I know I must do this, but for too many reasons to detail, I must wait until the end of this year. My misery is incredible, especially since I have to lead "double life" until then. My point again.....you sound like a REALLY GREAT PERSON. You spent time and emotional energy with your wife. That time was not lost, so take the good parts of your marriage, learn from the bad ones, and apply it to your upcoming AWESOME relationship that will send you to the roof-tops and give you such happiness that you will never want to come down. To hell with wishing your ex ill.....wasted negative energy. Take that strength and look forward to your fresh future, and I wish you the best with your upcoming soul mate!

Congratulations!!! - Regarding becoming an "SOB", leave that up to your attorney. What you or others may interpret as being an SOB is probably in reality just looking out for your best interests without being manipulated. Again, that is what the lawyer is for. He/She takes emotions out of the equation, and fights for your interests. Then, you can focus on hanging on during the long and painful ride and rediscovering yourself again. You've waited this long....don't make hasty decisions that will compromise your outcome. Get legal advice you trust and then follow it. I am not speaking from experience.......YET! I am in the process of lining all those "ducks" up.

Samoore - I can't personally relate, but I have a good friend of mine that can. I look out at my married friends, and only a few of them are truly happily married....ONE of those happily married couples went through a similar experience. My friend told me in confidence her husband had a physical affair. While nothing was said at the time, deep down she KNEW IT, and would watch him walk out the door each day knowing he would meet up with her. (She would have sex with him before he left sometimes just to see him go through the motions and witness the double-life he was able to lead!) Bottom line, she did confront him with it, and it was definitely a slap in the face for him. He begged her forgiveness, etc., and eventually they did indeed fully recover. And as I mentioned before, they are one of the couples I would classify as soul mates!! They made it work. And while I am one of the few that know their "secret", it doesn't change my opinion of them as a couple, and I envy their close relationship! (They have been married now 25+ years.) What keeps their marriage continually strong is that he feels very fortunate to have been given a second chance. Hope this story helps in some way.

Mike - I read your posts, and I see you really didn't answer this question directly. What exactly are your feelings for your wife at this time?? Are there areas in your marriage that aren't being fulfilled that you are reaching out to this other woman? In other words, if this woman could be erased from your mind completely, would you be happy in your relationship with your wife that you would not feel the need to seek attention outside of the marriage? My comments on your situation would vary depending on your true feelings on the situation with your wife, as opposed to just the "idea" of the happy wife and kids at home.

I read your post, and quite frankly, this guy sounds like an old boyfriend of mine that I was VERY CLOSE TO MARRYING. But he was bad news. He had this way about him that was very charismatic, and he knew how to get to me, no matter how bad things were. There was incredible chemistry between us, and he made me feel awesome. He was very good looking, wealthy, charming, and he knew it. He made me feel great, and when things were good, they were fantastic! I don't think I have been with another person who made me feel that way. But the bad part was that he was always seeking attention. I really felt that if we ever married, his attention-seeking ways would never die, and he would cheat on me. I knew he would never want to lose me, but I also knew he could not stop receiving attention from others. We went through enough devastating times that I knew deep down the "highs" of the high times were not as strong as the "lows" of the low times. You know, I haven't seen him in 20 years, and I would BET he could still manage to get to me! But I am very sure that if I married him, it wouldn't have lasted. SO...if you really love your current bf, either don't go to the wedding, or go with an informed friend who will keep you from being unwise, because you will be tempted. BTW, after we broke up, I married someone else, moved, made my new number unlisted because he always said he would find me again and rescue me from wherever I was and carry me off on his white horse. (how do you like those lines!!) Well, after two years, I thought about him, and since I am anonymous on this forum, I will tell you that I met him just to see if we coulda..woulda....shoulda, etc. and to permanently get those thoughts out of my mind. He couldn't wait to tell me about his current "perfect and beautiful" girlfriend, but also that he was out at a club, and these three girls were all over him, and he went home with one of them, but his girlfriend still takes him back. I looked at him and thought "THANK GOD it's that poor other girl in a relationship with you and not me!" And I went home with a very good smile on my face. Maybe you see a similarity here, and can get something out of this story of mine. I think this guy of yours would make a fun boyfriend, but a nightmare of a husband. Try to keep that in mind when you see him. Good luck.

I read your situation, and I am happy I did. I have not had a physical affair, but I do feel for the past two years, I have had something that qualifies as an emotional affair with a married man. I have wondered why I continue to "meet" with him, and although we do not discuss feelings and anything romantic between us, I do sense something there that I hope will never be acted on. The reason that I consider this an emotional affair (at least on my part), is that when I do not see him for a while, I miss his company. I enjoy our times together, and too often wish I had met him when we were both single. So this to me is a flag telling me to back off. I have had problems in my marriage of 17 years, and have for about 16 of them! But I have two children, and that is why I stay. My husband doesn't even know I am not happy, or at least how unhappy I am. He has emotional issues, is from a dysfunctional family, and that is part of my marital baggage. I should never have married, but I did and here I am. SOOOO, I read your links, and am trying to be mindful of my actions, so I do not add additional sadness to my situation! Thank you for sharing! I, too, know I should not see my male friend again. It is easy to continue to, because part of my thinks this could be only in my head, and if I remain emotionally distant, I can use his companionship as an emotional bandaid until I decide what to do with my own marriage. But the heartache you describe does not sound like it is worth tampering with. I wish you luck in this upcoming year in keeping your distance!