xtine

Make sure that you're over the old guy and the old relationship before you move on to this new guy. I'm a "new girl" who showed someone what a real relationship could be, who showed them how it was to really be in love. He told me he wished he had met me years ago, that I was what he'd been looking for when he "settled" for his wife. He wanted me to be around for a long time, saw a future with me, the whole works. The problem is he's still not over his marriage and hasn't come to terms with the idea that something he committed to didn't work out. So now, a year later, he's told me he doesn't want to be in a relationship. I've gone from the best thing that even happened to him and the person he couldn't get enough of to someone he doesn't even want to talk to, and it's devastating. I'm not saying you don't have real feelings for the new guy- I'm sure you do, just be careful with his heart.

I have to agree with everyone who says NC. So far, it has worked for me in getting my ex back (though we are taking things very slowly right now). I think this is why it worked for me: 1- He asked for a break, and I calmly told him that I wanted more and wasn't willing to change my feelings on a dime like that. I told him that I wouldn't allow myself to be hurt emotionally that way, so no contact. 2- I know that if I had tried to be friends with him I would have been sarcastic and snippy in an effort to hide my hurt, which would have driven him away. I knew myself well enough to know how it would turn out, so NC was the only choice for me. 3- By not allowing myself to contact him I didn't dissolve into the crazy girl, demanding answers and being irrational. It KILLED me to leave that phone alone, but I knew that any conversation we had when I was in that frame of mind would end badly, and I didn't want him to see that side of me. 4- I wanted to give him the chance to miss me, and he did. If he hadn't, then I would have been better off without him. But we both missed each other, so there's still something there. I will also agree with everyone who said that in a way, it doesn't matter. You have to pick the thing that is going to preserve whatever is good about your relationship and then hope that there's something to save. But sometimes there isn't anything left to save, and no amount of not talking to/being friends with someone is going to force them to have feelings for you if they don't.

So last night I went out on a date. Figures, today he emails me. I have edited for content. I have no idea what this means or how to respond- but I suspect that he is just making a premptive strike since he knows he will see me this week. I have not responded- any thoughts or opinions would be appreciated. I wanted to send you a quick hello. You probably are a little shocked. I have to tell you that I feel like a complete [jerk] the way I left things. I really didn't mean hurt you if I did. I haven't done much of anything since we last talked aside from holiday shopping. I hope things are well with you. I saw your pic on the forum. It looks like you had a great time in NY. How was the show? You were suppose to be in California for work a few weeks back right? How was that? Well anyway I just thought I would try to catch up on things if you are not too [mad] at me

Awesome advice, and everyone's contributions are great too. One thing I would add with regard to NC- make sure it is NC in every sense of the word. One thing that I continued to do (and I must admit, am still doing but not as much) is frequenting the forums that I know my ex-BF frequents to read his posts. I don't sign in, he doesn't know I'm there; I guess I felt I needed some kind of tie to him, or way of knowing what he was up to. It didn't help, and it has turned into a bad habit that I know have to work on breaking. NC means NC- it is so hard, and there were so many times I had my hand on the phone, but now I am happy I resisted the urge. If for no other reason than I cannot be categorized as a "crazy girl"- even though I have felt like one in my head, I never let anyone see it. I'm so glad for that now that I am starting to feel better.

I had to laugh when I read this- I loved this movie, my ex-BF and I watched it together two weeks before he gave me the boot. In those first few weeks I would have done anything to have that procedure! But things really, really do get better with time- no matter how bad things seem, you will move on and get over it. Try to distract yourself as much as you can and don't dwell on the past. I know it's hard, but it's the only way to move on. And take the NC advice, it really works. Good luck.

Oh I wouldn't miss it for the world- there's no question of that. I'm more concerned with how I will react when I see him. I have decided to ignore him, unless for some reason I happen to see him by accident, then I will just say "Hello" and move on. And hopefully my emotions won't get the best of me! I will remind myself that I don't want to be manipulated, that will help. Thanks!

Thanks for the words of encouragement everyone- that's just what I needed. Sometimes I get too much into my own head (for lack of a better expression) and I feel bad for venting to my friends about this as much as I have already. Thanks for giving me the outside view. I will be strong! The irony is that I was just as scared as he was, and probably for the same reason- as much as I want to settle down and get married, it scared me to think I might have found "the one." Now that this has happened I'm not so sure he is the one- maybe he did me a favor by being such a creep! Thanks all- good vibes back out to all of you. I'll post next week and let you know what happens!

A quick background on me: Dated a guy I met on another forum for about seven weeks, after IM'ing/phone calls for about three months. Very intense relationship. We got along great together- no fights, no disagreements (no time for them, really). He is separated, and is awaiting the final divorce. I knew his situation and didn't expect anything to come of it when we first started seeing each other- but he really turned up the intensity, and I let him. Talked every night, emailed during the day, the works. He said all of the right things, as the song goes. Told me he wished he'd met me years ago, that being with me felt so right, that he thought about me constantly, that every time he saw me was more amazing than the time before, blah, blah, blah.......... Very short, but extremely intense. Had much more of an impact on me that I expected it to. The first time I stayed at his place he told me he was falling for me, and that he was willing to risk the consequences of being with me prior to divorce because it was "worth it" (which I found a little scary, actually). We stayed in bed all night and had a great time. The next day, he was very distant, and the day after that he told me that things were moving too fast and that he needed a "break", but he couldn't say for how long. Said that it was too much with his marriage just ending, etc. Wanted to be friends- I said "No, you can't tell me you're falling for me and 48 hours later want me to just be your friend. Call me when you figure out what you want." NC since then, about five weeks. So- here's the question. Next week we are both attending a concert. He is sitting right behind me (pure coincidence, tix purchased before we even met). I know he will be there b/c of a post he put on a forum we both belong to. I am not willing to miss it either. Do I say hello? Ignore him? Smile at him? I'm pretty angry about the way he dropped me, and as the date approachs I get more angry that he hasn't called me. I'm afraid I'm going to act like a crazy girl because I'm still pretty hurt and upset by the whole thing. We were supposed to go to the same show the following night, together. When he asked for the break he told me he still wanted me to go, but in my anger I told him I couldn't make that decision, and we would see what happened. Also upset that he hasn't called to say he still wants me to go. I guess I am bothered by the idea that he had all of the power and I had none. And still don't. Lots of anger!! I need to go hit the heavy bag, I think! Sorry for the long post, interested to hear what you guys think. I need a plan or I will do something I will regret!

I can't stop dreaming about my ex. In my dreams, we are still together and everything is wonderful. I've been having a lot of sex dreams, too, also wonderful and very loving. The worst part is waking up and realizing that it's not real, not at all. It ruins my whole day. I wish I could figure out a way to make them stop.

Hi Taylor- It helped me a lot to read your thread- makes me feel a lot less foolish to know that I wasn't the only one. I guess I'll get over the anger, but who knows what will happen when I see him next month- I'm probably going to freak out on him. I just keep repeating to myself: Time wounds all heels And it helps!! 8) xtine

I was also a "rebound" relationship. I knew I was, and I never expected the relationship to turn into much. We were friends for a few months before, got on really well and then started dating. He was the one who came on strong, told me all sorts of things like that he was falling for me, that he wished he'd met me years ago, all that kind of BS- I could write pages of the things he said. Told me he was falling for me on Friday in bed, on Saturday didn't want to make plans, and by Monday gave me the "I need a break" story. Wouldn't telll me how long he wanted to break for, but that his mind was going crazy because things were happening too fast. I actually agreed-- but HE'S the one who made them go fast!! I never, ever, tried to elicit any kind of committment or declaration of love from him- never. I was trying to keep things light, because I knew he had a lot on his plate and it took me a very long time to get out of/get over my last relationship. I didn't want to get hurt again. And just when I decide to let my feelings go, and start to let myself fall for him, he pulls the rug right out from under me. Now I feel like I will never get closure, will never know if all the things he said to me were just lines, will never know what happened all of a sudden to change things so drastically. I want to go to his house and shake him and demand answers, but I won't. This just happened this week and it has been NC since that conversation but I can't stand it. I want to know what happened and I want him to know how much he hurt me!! So now I am on an indefinite break- which in my mind is goodbye forever- and it is making me crazy that I feel I will never get resolution. The worst part is that I know I will see him in about four weeks- we are both attending an event that neither of us would be willing to miss. So now I am obsessed with that, too- will he talk to me, apologize, should I kick him in the shins when I see him? Grrr! So angry!! Thanks- felt good to vent. Rebounds suck