mochaleet

heya! Thanks! That was very uplifting. You sound like a wonderful person.

I am a 31 year old woman, still looking for a life partner. Insomnia, I gotta tell ya, older women (not sure if I count in this arena, but I'm game) want to find someone. But not just anyone. I hope you have enough common sense to realize women over 30 know that being with the wrong person is worse, far worse, than being alone. Now that I cleared that up, if you choose to believe your height is an issue then it becomes an Issue. Sure, maybe you might have to approach a shorter woman, maybe not. I sometimes feel, now that I'm over 30 (though I'm often told I look younger) that I'm no longer marketable. And when I walk around like that, it's crippling. It's just not worth existing under those terms. Throw it away, it's garbage thinking, and only true if you make it that way. Wish I could rearrange your thinking, but that truly is up to you. But read the helpful posts of the other people here. BTW, the children thing is completely up to you. If it's something you don't want, then don't deal with it.

I've heard the above advice on many an occasion, and the problem with looking too hard is that without results, unhappiness magnifies. The skill, of being able to let go of the desire to be with someone, has to develop. But how? By finding a purpose in life outside of romance. Don't hide in cynicism, i.e. I will never find someone, but attend events that you will enjoy for the sake of the event. DO NOT FORCE yourself to attend group singles oriented cheese fests, you will be miserable. However, sometimes you want to grease the cogs, so a slightly forced dating situation is not the end of the world. It's a balance, but whatever your approach, be true to yourself and don't pretend to not care or not want love.

I can directly relate to your quandary. Sareba, you sound like a very thoughtful and spiritual person, but to me, your diifferences resemble a philosophical as opposed to purely religious nature. My father is a Rabbi, obviously I was raised fairly religiously, and I caught hell, so to speak (Judaism doesn't have hell) when I dated nonJews. At first I chuckled when I read your different religious backgrounds, of course, I'm not aware of the essense of Unitarianism, but I thought you were Muslim and he was Jewish. I've seen interfaith marriages work well, even with profound differences, with children involved. However, there is an underlying tension. When my sister in law's sister (who married a Protestant) comes in for Rosh Hashanah the husband is NEVER there. Is it possible your BF can suck it up and attend services? Can you establish a bare minimum that you can both commit to, involving some compromise on his and your end? I think it can work. Don't let the other weddings influence your decision. However, your relationship sounds wonderful. I have been dating for many years and not found the Jewish man of my dreams (or thought I did and it didn't work out.) I would be most reluctant to let this one go, even on the basis of religion. The human connection, especially in the romantic realm, is priceless, and if after three years you are more attracted and connected, then he sounds worth the effort, even in this case. If your religious differences were just one of the many significant problems then I would say, let it go, but that is clearly not the case.

I agree, there are some great fish/sealife to be had, but finding the thing that jives for you is a tough one. I've gone on a LOT of dates (off ye olde internet) and some of the guys have been great-nice people, not bad looking, etc...but doesn't feel quite right. There is some degree of openness that you must have, and if you're still on some level pining for your ex, then no one can measure up. Try and expand your circle, do something, anything, that will allow you to meet people who share your common interests. You will most likely not meet THE ONE that night, but you might meet a friend, who has a friend, and she told two friends...etc...That's usually how it works, or so I tell myself. Best o' luck!

I know how hard it is, what you did, but good for you. Very adult, muneca, and not easy, I'm sure. Moving forward is harder than lingering in the past, (well, that depends of course) but you are so brave. Keep it up.

Yeah, I woke up with quite the emotional hangover. Thanks for the encouragement.

This posting has helped me immensely. I too, fell for a guy who had a brilliant facade for about a month. Then he became mean, and pretty much stayed there, obviously injecting some "good behaviors" in. Scary, he even knew when he was "being good." Examples: "You kiss me wrong" "When you touch me it's like sand paper" "You call me too much" "You want to see me too much."Eggshells is understatement. But reading these posts and just having this forum at 4 AM when all of my friends are asleep is making me realize what an abuser I was with. If, Lord Forbid, I ever tried to talk about our relationship he would stonewall me and allow a total of three sentence discussions, so I was the perpetual Nag. Finally, he told me "I love you but I don't need you, b/c I don't need people." Whatever that means. I figured out tonight he has moved on, and ultimately his new GF will with almost 100% certainty be the recipient of his dreck. The worst is that I had real feelings for him, so I was always trying to navigate these labrynths. It was a nightmare, the ups and downs, and now things are harder. I want to/have to be with someone healthy, though it's shattering to the ego to break it off and see that they have moved on. This is the hardest part for me, the fear of the future and the feelings of undesirability that I have now, from being ground down. But remember, you did end this. That speaks volumes about you. You didn't have to leave him, you chose to. And it's not going to be easy, for a while. You might feel like a whacko for missing him, if you do, and that's ok. It's ok to feel weak. It's NOT ok to return, but it sounds like you're a million times healthier now. Whatever "good behavior" he enacts with "different scenery" will wear down to his eventual real unhealthy, damaged self. And this has had nor will ever have ANYTHING to do with the people he chooses.

Yup, just googled my ex tonight, which I was sooo good about not doing. Fell off the damned wagon, when I almost had perfect behavior. Think though, (and I will tell you, recent breakups after serious relationships bring on irrational behavior), when do you do this? When are you most likely to slip/romanticize an ex who was probably REALLY bad for us in the first place? Or ultimately made us crazy/irrational/insecure/not ourselves? In my case it was after a party, in which, of course, I expected to seduce every other guy there and MAKE UP for how dissatisfying my relationship was with the ex. And after searching for him on this dating website that I knew he was on, I found out he had suspended his account. And knowing him, it was probably b/c he has already moved on. Which is like rubbing alcohol in my veins. I say, just realize that breakups make us a little crazy for a while. We will feel hopeless, unattractive, undesirable, desperate, and just plain horrible for a while. Then we will feel liberated, i.e. thank God the @$%$^%^ is out of my life! Good riddance. The hardest part is living with the romanticization of the ex, b/c you're not "moving on" fast enough. Because you haven't replaced them fast enough. Because they aren't blipped out of your memory fast enough. But that's not how it works all of the time. As EATZ wrote, the stages of grief go back and forth. But at least, when you're tapping into your ex's e-mail, ask yourself, "Why am I doing this?" "What is triggering this curiosity?" "What unresolved emotions do I help to satiate by doing something that could set me back 3 weeks/months/years"? In my case, it was a sense of hopelessness that I would never find someone better. But he wasn't good to me, consistently, he criticized me repeatedly and was manic. That's just not good enough for me, and if I have to go to many more "unsuccessful" parties and don't find an immediate replacement at least I'm out of something that would have sent me to a hospital, most likely mental.

The anger/temper issue and lack of security signals real trouble. If being with the younger one "does it for you" it's understandable that you want to work it as long as you can. Remember, whatever behavioral issues he carries are his, and have nothing to do with you. You will not and cannot change him. I suggest a step back. I'm a bit confused by your relationship with the older man, though I see that both relationships do not bring you satisfaction. Ultimately, as I am discovering, you are better off alone for a while (even though it's scary and not as good for the ego, temporarily). Why don't you look at why you chose two types of men who are probably in their own ways unavailable and dissatisfying and redesign your emotional blueprints. Then after time, look for someone who makes you feel secure and is available. And yes, closer to your age as well. I think you can do something about this.

John25, I have to admit, I am either impressed or astounded by your strength. While I'm not sure I could be on your schedule either, I think a blend of approaches works best. I broke up with my bf of 7ish months about 6 weeks ago, and am still occasionally crying and usually down. The essense is I felt things for my ex that I hadn't felt for anyone in YEARS, both good and bad. I anticipated any contact with him, but the relationship felt so uncomfortable over time (he was alternately wonderful and critical, a hellacious combination) that I found myself madly trying to manage the unmanageable. Of course I sound cool and detached as I write this, I cannot tell you the sword of memories that plunges into my abdomen daily as I sit at my desk (particularly at work, always a great time to experience these feelings!) However, here is a lesson that I can apply to future relationships that worked in my favor here: 1) Push for the relationship to work while you are actually IN IT. I tried various problem solving techniques, (i.e. playing by his rules, expressing my needs more or less, depending). That way, when you walk away AFTERWARDS, you are truly done. Don't break up unless you mean it. I know this sounds humiliating or possibly inappropriate, you will have fewer regrets. I played his way, my way, and somewhere in the middle. None of it worked, he continued his mean streaks, so it was enough already. 2) Then ironically, next time, don't push so hard. If you can't be yourself, (particularly in the first say, six months) then why be there? I had to learn this the hard way. I am reading a few posts on this site about people who are questioning a relationship at two months. These things happen, but in the "right" relationship, so much drama will not be apparent in the first couple of months. 3)I am tired as I write this, so hopefully it will come through. Obviously, the above sounds glib, but I really fell for the wonderful things about him, and am left with a lot of confusing and sometimes painful memories.