maria219

Thanks for all the replies....it really is a tough question since he's not willing to talk about anything that "may" stress him out... We were previously broken up over a year ago...and had NC for about 10 months and he decided to get in contact again and actually decided on a medical school closer to me to be able to still see each other occasionally....although at the moment...it doesn't seem like that would even work since we can barely talk on the phone..

My bf recently moved 5 hours away to start medical school. Since school has started for him, I have barely spoken to him and whenever I call him he rarely picks up. I find it very difficult to continue a relationship where there is almost no contact. He gets upset at me very easily and especially when I get upset about him not calling me once a day or every other day. He says that I just don't understand how hard medical school is. I'm trying to give him his space and be understanding but my heart is hurting because everytime we get in a disagreement he says he can't talk about this now and leaves the conversation. How much is too much?? Is it too much to expect a daily phone call?? Should I just end it with him? Any opinions?

Thanks for the advice...I will definitely think it over...I guess the biggest fear for me is getting hurt again if we break up...it took me months to do it and it's hard to get that trust back since he wouldn't have told me the "real" reason for breaking up since he felt that it was inconsequential...it just slipped from him. So, building up trust...that's going to be really hard...also he sort of "hooked up" briefly with another girl after we had broken up so I almost feel that what would stop him again especially in a ldr..I hope I am not coming off paranoid..

My ex broke up with me a year ago because of a potential long distance relationship later on down the road...he wanted to end it early before it got too serious. It was a bad breakup as breakups go since that was the only reason he gave me and I had no choice in the matter...we attend the same university presently (he'll be graduating this month) and we didnt speak for months after the breakup. Then in January he started speaking to me again...but it ended up just as bad and we didn't speak again until earlier this month. He told me that he still had feelings for me, that they haven't changed a bit and it also came out that he broke up with me because his parents forced him to (we have different religions, cultures, etc.). He is going to medical school 5 hours away and he told me that it was a mistake that we broke up and that he wants to get back together and that his parents will have to accept it whether they like it or not. I care about him very much, but I am weary about starting a long distance relationship without a firm foundation....we were very much in love when we dated but a year passed after we broke up. He told me that this is for the long road and that I wouldn't have to worry about his parents or whatnot...what are the chances of a long distance relationship working after someone breaks up earlier on? He hurt me a lot by completely ignoring me and not even acknowledging me after we broke up...and has since apologized for his mean gestures...but I am just afraid that might change his mind when he goes to another university and that he may get too consumed in medical school and would break up with me due to becoming a "distraction". He also said that if we decide to not have a relationship that this would be the end and that he couldn't take just a friendship...not sure what to do (just afraid of the future.. )...any ideas?

Both Scout and Tiger lilies posts were so on target for me at least in this time of life....I hate that feeling after a breakup when you truly realized that you were "dependent" on not feeling lonely by that person...I have been doing the same thing as Scout..strengthening my circle of girlfriends...because they will always be there for you. When I was younger, I totally hated girls (I was a big tomboy) and it didn't help when I went to an all-girls' high school and saw first hand at how nasty girls can be. But after you hit your 20s and if you choose well...you will meet some of the most amazing women and I feel so blessed for all the wonderful girlfriends I have (although I can only call a few very close ones). It's cliche...but don't look for love...I know I fall into this trap and at first I feel excited about the fact that I may like someone but then I realize it's only to get out of feeling lonely...I feel like I have grown and I have higher standards about what kind of guys I would potentially date...and we know that it's hard to find...all the guys i encounter only care about sex for the most part and would actually not pursue a girl he likes if she doesn't show some indication of a physical relationship later on...sigh. Such is life...Do you think older guys are any better about this??

Johnny, lol thanks. I wish you a great birthday also...we rock

Thank you for the wonderful post....it actually consoled me. I just had this fear that if you let something go, it may not come back and that that would be the end...and it is such a scary feeling. But it's the only way to go about these sort of situations...I know I am trying to get to that stage of 'letting go' (I hope I can make it!) because I am sick of all these rollercoaster ride emotions and I cannot handle them...so you're right...focus on yourself and surround yourself with those who love you so you can grow and most importantly learn something from this experience....and more than not, you will only become a better person who people will definitely want to be around

Good question...my bday is tomorrow and I am wondering if my ex will make any effort to wish me a happy birthday or not...either way I won't take it to heart...but just wondering what it would mean if he did or didn't....(so yeah basically the same question as above..)

I just saw my ex (who dumped me..)...just 5 days earlier he wanted to try being friends. After Monday, he started being cold and distant. A few minutes ago, he came by to give me back a CD...i opened the door, he gives it to me and is already off running and not saying anything. I know better to not contact him or go out of my way to see or speak to him (which is difficult since we have classes...) but I just dont' understand why he is so mean when he wanted to be friends after 2 months...did I do anything (besides being civil to him??) What should I do (besides NC) to stop having my heart being broken every moment I see him?? help plz.

I feel what you're going through...My ex broke up with me 2 months ago, but I didn't have to deal with seeing him daily until 2 weeks ago. I tried the friends thing, didn't really work because he was really distant and cold. So then I tried the NC...and I was pretty happy for the end part of the week...but the weekends are horrible. To make matters worse, he calls me today...and I don't know whether or not I should return the call. My advice would be really to find friends to go do something with...I know that is the most obvious solution but just don't mope around in missing your ex...the hardest part was starting the NC...just keep it up if it makes you happy (meaning that, like in my case, it was worse to be in communication since he treated me more like an aquaintance after all that we had been through...) Hope this helps somewhat.

One of the best unsaid pieces of advice (at least for my present situation..) My ex broke up with me 2 months ago, and I tried the whole try to be friends thing, but all I would get is animosity, distance, and my heart broken every single day (we have some classes together). He would also make random comments about other girls and whatnot (which I didn't understand because of course he knew I still liked him..he didn't have to try to make me more upset!). So, I tried the avoidance for one day and then he would call me because "he thought he'd just call...". I have said those exact words..."Is anything wrong? I'm here for you because I'm your friend.." He hasn't said anything along those lines yet although he suggested we be friends first...so I guess I have to still do the NC thing.. But I do have a question...After looking at my previous exs, whether or not they were the dumper or dumpee, there are some common changes....do guys just become more "sexually" oriented...like they're into more crude jokes, talk about girls and sex constantly, become a "metrosexual", etc....I am thinking it's just the way they rebound...any thoughts on common changes by guys or girls after painful breakups?

This is so true...in fact after 5 weeks of not seeing my ex..when I did see him I didn't even recognize him! He was so cold and we had a few classes together (same major unfortunately) and he would speak to everyone around me but me...he had so much anger. They get so angry because they still care so much about you...it's easier to be angry because maybe then the other person will turn cold in response...and it would make everyone's life easier because you'll eventually turn indifferent to each other since there's all this anger floating around. They're definitely hurting, or else they wouldn't be this cold or angry. The whole breaking up peacefully in my mind only happens when both sides want to break up (mutually) and that is soooo rare of a thing to happen.

yeah, that's really hard to answer...but how does she really feel about having a friendship? Is she interested? In my case, I think that at this moment (2 months later) we're both finally interested in a friendship..but earlier on he wasn't. To me, if the other person isn't willing or wanting that friendship...what can you do besides giving her space?? She seems to be willing now (after reading the original post...) but it seems like she is laying down all the rules...and that isn't right. Your feelings are on the line here...so you need to figure out some guidelines for a potential future friendship so you won't get hurt over and over again when you do see her..hope that helps somewhat.

I saw the title of the original post and it drew me...I kinda have a stupid question..sorta related...but is it possible to be friends with an ex whom you still have strong feelings for? The other part to it is that the ex still has strong feelings also towards the person and is not seeing anyone at the moment. Dating is probably not in the future (due to the reason of the breakup which was a potential long distance relationship (only 11 months down the line so we still see each other daily..) but can a friendship work in this instance?

He wrote me telling me he wants to try out the whole being friends thing..but I don't know how much this will hurt my heart because I am already in pain...either talking to him or when I am away from him. I don't know how to take a stance on this without seeming pushy which is the last thing I want to do. He said before that he couldn't handle being away from me and that's why he doesn't want that whole long distance thing...but how can you convince someone that this is worth it without feeling that you're trying to force them to see something so clear to you (which is really heartbreaking on my side..)? Also, how do u know what is too far to fight for something like this? Thanks for the comment.

This may be a bit long..so just a warning. My boyfriend broke up with me 2 months ago abruptly...for no reason except for the fact that he was leaving to go out of town for a month and couldn't have any contact with me for the most part (we're not really allowed to date..especially since my parents would never allow me to date him due to religious differences)..so he wanted to take a break and maybe get back together after he came back in september (we attend the same college). I, of course, reactly badly to such an idea and he "realized" that he had to end it all together because he was leaving april 2005 for medical school accross the country and he couldn't take having a long distance relationship. He realized he had to end it then since it would just be more difficult later on. I asked him if there were any other reasons because for me it would be easier to move on if there was one, and he told me that I could not have prevented this breakup and he never felt this way about long distance relationships before us (his first real relationship). It was a serious relationship (I had known him for about a year and we had been best friends before dating). Anyways, he left for 5 weeks...almost no contact (only like 1 email). We both gave each other our space and moved on somewhat with our lives. However, this past week we accidently ran into each other (it's more complicated because we live in the same apartment complex at school) and I didn't even recognize him because it was so out of the blue! We actually have 2 courses together since we have similar majors and the first day was horrific. He wouldn't look at me or speak to me...when he did he sounded angry and it was so noticiable to everyone around us. I didn't know what to do or say...he wrote me one email saying he wanted to return everything i let him borrow including pictures, letters, etc. So he came to my apartment ready to drop off the books and run off but i invited him in...we spoke about nothing really but eventually it came out that he still had feelings for me a lot..and that he thought 5 weeks would help but they hadn't. He told me he didn't know what to do and that every second spent with me was going back 10 hours...it was so sad. I knew he wanted to run out of there, but he couldn't make himself. When i asked him if he'd regret all this, he said yes, most likely. I just don't get it. We didn't talk about our past relationship because I know that wouldn't do any good...right now it's about a friendship because he was my best friend before. The bottom line is that he doesn't know what he wants and i don't think he could stand being only my friend (even though he broke up w/ me!). I can understand what he means...but i guess what I wanted to know was...what should I do? Just forget the friendship all together because I can see that he still likes me a lot and being around me is painful..but it goes both ways. I have to still see him 3 days out of 7 so i don't know how to handle this...everytime i see him I just want to break down and cry because we can't speak too much or say much since we can't be friends. It's just something so basic...a friendship...that I can't even have..What should I do? Thanks

I have been looking at posts in this forum and this post was the first one that actually related to what I am going through at this moment. My boyfriend of a few months recently broke up with me for one reason alone: the potential long distance relationship that would happen a year from now when he went off to graduate school. It started with not being able to see each other much in school the past month due to work and school...he found out that he has to go out of town for the entire month of August and he said that we should take a break and talk about getting together again when school starts up since we both go to the same university and live on campus. I was very much against it because I just think that taking a break in general is a bad thing, especially when it's only because you won't be around for a month (and you can still talk on the phone,email, etc.) So he realized how badly I took the idea, and broke up with me all together since the schools he's most likely attending in the fall are half way accross the country. He said that he can't handle the pain of not seeing the person he's dating..and he wanted to end it when he was still here so I can get over it with him not deserting me. Also, if we were meant to be...it will work out. This was so hard to take...and of course I tried convincing him to not throw away a good thing for something that is so far down the road and that we can worry about it when the time comes...but he had made up his mind and wouldn't budge. However, after a week or so..he started becoming more distant with me and pretty much avoiding seeing/speaking to me except when we had class...and whenever I ask him questions pertaining to our relationship...anything along the lines of do you still wanna hang out, etc. he wouldn't answer and say that it's irrelevant or that you're causing more pain. So pretty much, I haven't gotten any answers...so yesterday he got fed up with me because I wanted to just spend a half hour w/ him since I hadn't seen or spoken to him all week and he was just going to go sleep and study....so I asked him again if he wanted to spend time with me...just so I wouldn't be wasting time...and he "allowed" me to ask 10 questions in which he would truthfully answer them. He said he did want to spend time w/ me but he didnt love me anymore....which was so hurtful. In two weeks time, he had somehow put aside all his love...even though he started liking me first, was the one to initiate it, was the first one to even say I love you...I don't understand how someone can change their emotions that quickly...especially when I was only the second girl he has liked in his lifetime and his first real relationship (since he planned to not date for awhile since he's so focused in other things in life..) We were also friends for about 6 months before and talked for hours on end and had lots of classes together...we grew so close that everyone practically thought we were already dating. When we started, I couldn't have been happier...and he was just really supportive, affectionate, etc. But when the last month of the summer semester came...things got more hectic...we couldn't see each other much and that's when things went bad. I still talk to him and might potentially hang out with him before he leaves in august...but it hurts a lot...especially when he told me before that he sees no future in this relationship and that he has put aside his feelings for me. So what should I do? I love him so much...but his being distant (to some extent) and cold (for not telling me any of his feelings even though he knows exactly how I feel) hurts a lot...I know i should give him space (which I will when he leaves) but I don't know what else to do to go about the situation...since he was my best friend and all and I truly fell deeply in love w/ him because I didn't foresee any heartbreak (even to the day he broke up with me...i couldn't believe it..) I don't know how to move on because of the reason he broke up with me and I don't want to give him up forever...Any advice? Thanks