Towny

I understand all of your points. It's hard to convey the entirety of our time together in a few short posts, but I will definitely take your suggestions to heart. Like Iceman said, I have to earn to trust my gut and not let my head get in the way.

Thanks again for your responses. I just wanted to clarify that this guy is not a friend of hers, but someone she met while out bowling with her friends. He is on another team and they had not known each other before this. She had been out late about four times and I know that for sure that at least on one occasion they were all drinking a little more than normal. But the night she came in at 3AM she did not appear to be drunk, but I am sure she had a few that night. I am thinking that this guy made some passes at her and was fishing for information and they all wound up going out to a bar afterward. Now, whatever was said or happened during one of these nights gave him the idea that he might have a chance with her. This would make the text messages make sense, rather than some guy joking around that he would date her if we broke up. Also, she did mention the other night that "she thought he was funny" which gets interpreted in my brain as "I thought he was attractive". Of course, that's my insane paranoia doing the translation for me. However, she went out again last night and came home early. She even called me to tell me she was not staying out late. I told her that it's fine if she wants to stay out (I'm not her "keeper") and she said that she felt bad about making me feel 'that way', etc., etc. I do believe that she is done entertaining any thoughts she may or may not have had because I think they were all alcohol-fueled anyway (not that it's an excuse). But I do want to talk to her again about those other nights. I guess even if "nothing" happened in her eyes, I want to know what her definition of "nothing" is.

Hello, just wanted to give an update as to what happened with my situation: Well, I sat her down and told her that I thought something happened at one of her bowling nights. She was surprised, but she said nothing happened. I kept prodding her saying that I had a very bad feeling about it all and to please tell me the truth. She was really surprised but kept saying that she didn't know what I was talking about. So then I asked her about the text messages. She wasn't really defensive at all, more like she was surprised I was so upset. She said that nothing happened and that this guy did like her there and was "joking" that if she were to call off the wedding maybe they could go out. I asked her why she would write the text about her "leaving me" and, although she didn't really explain it, she was adamant about not cheating or doing anything at all. I pressed her for a little while, not hard, just saying I just didn't believe "nothing" happened. She was actually very concerned and comforting and determined to tell me why she wants to marry me and that she could never dream of doing something like that to me. After about a half-hour I settled down and we talked for a long time about us and straightened out a few things. But, I have to say, I did not see or hear anything that sounded false or too defensive. I told her that I believed her and I haven't mentioned it since. That's the good part. Now, I've had a few days to think about the whole ordeal and I was OK there over the weekend, but something crept back up inside me yesterday and I just can't seem to shake it: If this guy was just "joking" about her breaking up with me and going out with him and it was all just one of those little flirtatious types of moments that everybody has from time to time in their lives, why did my fiance write "he should know that I didn't leave [me] for him"? That sounds a little extreme for some guy just casually joking around. And why did she say, "Why, did he say something about it"? What was "it"? Something about this just doesn't fit. Ok, you may now say I'm overanalyzing it and making myself crazy after she told me more than once that nothing happened, but the more I think about it I just can't fit what she told me into the context of the messages. It seems to me there was at least an intense coversation or some type of physical contact that would make this guy think he actually had a chance. Why else would she want to talk with him that day but couldn't because there were "too many people around"? I don't get it. Yeah, I am driving myself crazy. Her behavior is fine. She is being pretty normal and actually quite calm considering the fact that I accused her of cheating a few days ago. In fact, like I said, she hasn't mentioned it once since that night. Anyway, she is going out again tonight. We'll see, I guess.

Thank you all for giving me your honest opinion. I must say that in my heart of hearts I want to stop this and it kills me to even think about it. But like Iceman said, I am a "nice" guy and it is true that I have paid dearly for it in the past. The other problem is that her father died from cancer four years ago and now her mother is terminally ill with cancer also. We were unsure whether she would even make it to the wedding. She is so deeply pained by her father's death and her mother's condition that she has needed to go on medication so as not to completely break down. If I decide to call this off..........it will crush her. Not only that, but I can see how her depression might lead to something even worse. It hurts me to even think about that. I have decided that I will talk to her even though I believe it may be the hardest thing in the world for me to do, but I can't take this anymore. Thinking about how our family has put so much effort to make this a great wedding for her and now I have to consider ending months of planning, let alone the money involved, makes me sick. But, again, thank you all for giving me an objective outlook on my situation, I appreciate it.

I've written about my relationship before, but now we are two weeks away from our wedding and I have serious suspicions that my girlfriend/fiance has been "unfaithful" in the last month. Sorry for the length. Let me first explain again that I do trust her in the sense that I don't think (98% sure) that she has ever cheated on me in the last 2 1/2 years, but she is a very gregarious and "fun" girl to be around when she's out with people. She has always had more male friends than female, but I've been OK with this since I've met the majority of those male friends and even hang out with a few of them. From all we've been through, I know that although she may get angry and depressed, she has good intentions so I would always give her the benefit of the doubt. Anyway, within the last month or so she has joined a bowling league on Monday nights (it sounds redneck, but it's actually a younger, "hipper" crowd, I guess). She joined it with her friend (male, whom I trust) and her maid-of-honor (whom just got un-engaged last year). I know that there is a group of people that go to the alley every week and obviously most are guys. The first couple times she went, they all had gone out for a couple drinks after playing and she was home at midnight or thereabouts. She never mentioned much about it, but I knew she liked it and I was glad she finally had an activity to look forward to. But two weeks ago I woke up at 1:30AM and she was still not home. I called and got no answer. I couldn't sleep so I layed in bed until 2:30 and called again. No answer. She finally came in at 3AM and came downstairs and asked if everything was OK and she was surprised I was so upset, but she just said they all went out for a while to another bar and it got late. I told her to please call me if she was going to be late like that because I get worried, especially if I am not sure who she's with or where she is that late at night. She said 'sorry' and was actually apologetic, but also didn't elaborate on anything else from that night. I accepted it and went to bed. Now, I do not condone my following actions, but I had the worst feeling in my stomach that whole night and also the next few days that something more had happened. I checked her phone and saw that she had text messages from her friend (the maid-of-honor) and they went something like, "Hey, did you know that (another female friend) told (the male friend whom I know) about everything after bowling?!" Now, I can't remember exactly what it said because I only read it once or twice, but I think my fiance's response was "She told him about (a guy they know from bowling) having his hands on you." Again, I know I shouldn't do that, but it was killing me those few days and it was all I had. I left that alone and thought about it for a while and hoped that what her friend meant by "everything" didn't include anything that I obviously would not like. (She also had a phone call from her friend while they were texting that day and my fiance went upstairs and lowered her voice while they talked. This rarely happens with her, but I also let it go.) The next week she went out and was home around 1:00AM. Again, nothing was brought up and I didn't question anything. She had had her bachelorette party last week and got drunk with a lot of her friends but I know nothing happened that night, other than her friends making her hug strange guys, etc. Nothing that I would get mad at, in fact, I was glad she had fun. This Monday she went bowling again and came home around 11:00 because she was so tired from the weekend. So far, I had nothing to get suspicious about. (By the way, I did bring up that late night once during a lunch we had at a restaurant and I said jokingly that "she better be good" and she said "she always is", also jokingly. Then I joked back, "uh huh.......I don't know what you're doing out there" and she looked up a little and smiled slightly and said, "What am I doing?". I said, no, "I said 'I don't know'..." She said, "Oh...OK.") So, at this point I had nothing to go on and felt a better about planning this wedding because I figured it was all in my head, but today I decided to check her messages again just to put my fears to rest. Well, again there was correspondence between her friend and her and my girlfriend asked if anything happened after she left early from bowling on Monday. The rest of it went something like this (I can't be exact): Friend: "We played pool for a while, but that was about it." Fiance: "Yeah, I was still tired . Now we know not to drink so much." Friend: "It's not as much fun when you're not there" Fiance: : ) Friend: "Two more weeks to go Fiance: "I know I can't believe it went so fast." Friend: "By the way, Johnny went home right after you left." Fiance: "I saw that he disappeared....I didn't see him all night. I wanted to talk to him but too many people around." Friend: [Can't Remember This: something about him leaving again] Fiance: "He has to know that I didn't leave [me] for him." Friend: "I think he got the picture." Fiance: "Maybe because [some other guy] kept saying I didn't want to get married. [there was more here, but I forget]" I can't recall the whole thing, but that was the gist. Now, it's obvious something happened, but I don't know what. What gets me is how she said "He has to know I didn't leave [me] for him." It wasn't "wouldn't" or "won't". This really concerns me. I am at a loss. We have two weeks until this wedding and I don't know what to do. I can't say anything because I never speak with her friend or ever spoke with anyone that was there. Unless I confess to what I did I wouldn't be able to really address it unless I tried to coax it from her. Other than this it has been pretty normal with us. It's all wedding planning and work, really. She has been a little nicer to me than usual, but maybe that's just the wedding or maybe it's in my head. It's really eating me away inside. I guess my questions are: 1) What happened? If it was groping, I can deal with it. Kissing? Definitely worth me getting angry, but is it enough to cancel the wedding? More than that? No question, it's over. 2) Am I paranoid? If you have any interest about more background with our relationship I have posted a few other times. Might help with giving me some sound advice. I appreciate anyone who read this and thank you for any and all opinions.

Thanks for everybody's reply. Again, I know I should not be invading her privacy, but like I said, when you have something like this eating away at you, sometimes you do things you normally wouldn't do. Our relationship is OK, I don't have any reason to suspect she is actively looking elsewhere, so I'm pretty confident with us getting married. But she has always been a little naive and immature when it comes to relationships in general. This is why I am concerned. I believe that most people who say they will never cheat won't, but I also think that although we all try to be strong and faithful, people are weak and given the right (or wrong) circumstances, they will make a decision they may regret later. She has always been very sensitive and prone to moodiness. She also has low self-esteem and never thinks herself good enough. That's why I think if the situation presents itself at a particularly stressful time in our relationship, she may make an impulsive decision. I know, I know.......I'm creating scenarios in my head that have never happened and allowing myself to become consumed by them. But I keep wondering, 'why all the secrecy?' I can't just tell myself it isn't real. In regard to the suggestion that we all meet and have dinner or a double-date, I respect the idea, but if I came out and proposed something like this, it would seem awefully strange in the context of our day-to-day lives. I think it might put more of a strain on the situation than there already is and she may wonder why I brought up the notion out of nowhere.

My girlfriend and I are getting married in two months and we have been together 2 1/2 years. I've always had a gradually diminishing concern over her "guy friends" that I was introduced to and that she talked about in the first six months, but after meeting a lot of them, most of the "friends" turned out to be legitimate acquantances with no romantic involvement in the past. This eased my concerns to a point. I accepted all of her friends and some of them became friends of mine. I am ok with this. But there was always this one guy that she had always kept, well.....secret....and now it's beginning to bother me. Now I don't mean that she keeps him on the side, but every other guy friend she has I have met and talked with so I am at least able to judge for myself, but this other guy I have only briefly met and that was by accident. Over the course of us dating, I had enough red flags go up over various times, whether it be by things she said, things other people have said, and, at least in one instance, a small fight we had over the fact that she was going to meet him and his friends out late one evening and it was completely out of the ordinary. Let me clarify that I am fairly certain she never cheated on me while we've been together. I have at least that much faith in her, but I am not so much concerned about the past, but what might happen in the future. Now, the reason I am needing some opinions is that I found something that set that final warning signal screaming in my head. I do not condone my actions, nor do I think I was justified in any way, but recently I checked her text messages and saw that she had a conversation with him, and at one point asked "do you think we would have dated if I hadn't met [me]". He responded he had thought about it, etc. but he had bad luck in the "ex" department before, yada yada. The rest of the conversation she said she hoped thay can always be friends and he agreed. Of course, I shouldn't have done this but when you get that feeling in your gut, it's hard to shake off the paranoia. I have to clarify that she only talks to him about once every six weeks or so and they have only seen each other about three times in the last year (as far as I know), so that's why I am not contemplating asking her directly. I do trust her, but I think she is keeping the thought of him alive on purpose and I don't like it. So, my questions to all of you are: 1) Has anybody ever gone through a similar situation and, if so, what was the outcome? 2) Do I keep quiet and allow her to continue this "friendly relationship" or should I say something now to avoid any kind of escalation? I don't want to ever say she can't see a friend, but when she expressly avoids all mention of him to me, I can't help but think it's heading in the wrong direction.

Thanks for the replies everyone. She doesn't do this to everyone, but she does feel slighted by her friends sometimes if they don't inform her every time of some "goings on". She isn't gossipy, but she does find solice in knowing information "first". Guess it is a self-esteem, paranoia issue, but I believe it's more insecurity than anything else. On my end, yes, I hate to describe every little thing that happened at work during the day because it is as mundane as it sounds, but if somebody happens to tell me something and I forget or just don't think about it again for a week or two later and she finds out herself from some other source, I am somehow "witholding information". I'm sorry, but some of the things that she deems important are positively not. The "brother moving in with his girlfriend" thing didn't happen.....yet. He had only mentioned that they might at some point, and there was no definite date planned, and she isn't really fond of the girlfriend anyway. Is it relevant? Perhaps. But until it is set in stone I don't consider it "news", only "gossip". Besides, I really don't want to hear every detail of her day. I know it sounds rough, but hey, I'm being honest. I care about the major events and decisions that are going to affect our lives. If I find out some little detail about our friends two weeks after the fact, I don't really care.

This may seem odd, but my fiance gets upset if I don't mention some casual details that are going on at work, with friends, etc. Now, mind you, I am not talking about anything having to do with the opposite sex. I mean things like, "Bob is taking classes to be a gymnast", or, " My brother is moving in with his girlfriend". We have been together for 2 1/2 years and are getting married in August and although I try to relay as much pertinent info to her as I can, I have no desire to be an encyclopedia of data spewing out reams of jibber-jabber every night! She's a bit insecure and has a low self-esteem, but, come on.....how much is too much? And, like I said, it has nothing to do with flirting, etc. Has anyone else gone through this or am I walking this dis-information superhighway all by myself?

Thanks for the replies. I'm pretty sure that she didn't tell me because she knows I would have been uncomfortable, but I just wish she would have mentioned it to me when she spoke about him for the first or second time months ago. I'm not worried about them ever getting together, but I do think she wants to see him again---for whatever reason. It's the sexual part that bothers me. I can't get that thought out of my head, even though she's had other relationships, as we all did, and I don't dwell on those. Strange, I know.....I just don't like the secrecy of this situation. I'll probably get over it after we talk and I meet the guy, but right now it is eating at me something fierce.

Here's my problem: my girlfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half and we've begun the process of moving in together in a few months. I have always had issues with her having some male friends, but I have come to terms with it and now I even hang out with them, which is fine with me now because I see that they are truly friends, even if at one point some of them wanted to be more. This I can handle. But what I am having trouble with now is that she was invited to a get-together from a guy she has only mentioned a few times before but I have never met. She asked if I wanted to come, too, and I said OK. Then I find out from a mutual friend that they had "been together" briefly right before we started going out. Now I understand that it's in the past, we all have old relationships. But now all I can think about is them being together and why she never told me about it. I am dreading going to this party now and I want to be OK with this. And to make it worse, apparently he's somewhat of a player and jumps from woman to woman which makes it that much more degrading in my mind because it makes me think that she was just another score for him. So, I guess my question is, has anybody else ever had a similar situation? I realize this is just something I have to get over, but I just can't get it out of my head now. Any reply would be appreciated.

Mataney, since you asked, I'm not so sure I can or will be able to handle my situation with my current version of the "dramatic and irrational" girlfriend. The amount of energy I put forth trying to comfort/support her more than overshadows the amount of recipricated love I get in return. Just when I think she has accepted me for who I am and accepted her lot in life, she pulls back, blows up, self-distructs, and distances herself from everyone around her. Like I said before, I can't change her and I've given up hoping she will "come around", but it just doesn't work that way. We all have our limits. The real question is when will we finally decide that this limit has been reached? I read a quote by the author Don Miguel Ruiz once that said something like, "It is far easier to find somebody that we do not want to change than try to change somebody else into the person that we want." The more I think about that the more I agree. Hope it all works out with you and your situation.

Man...mataney, I feel your pain. My girlfriend is exactly the same way. Things are going well for a month and then---BAM!---she hits me with some ridiculous argument and somehow it's always my fault. I'm pretty level-headed, but she can't handle much in the way of difficult situations. Sometimes it's like I just can't take it anymore, but, yeah, I love her and want to be with her. You just can't change who she is, I've realized this. Maybe it's for the best your girlfriend is distancing herself, I don't know. But I can understand completely how exhausting and irrational it can be.

I'm coming from the other side of a relationship a lot like yours. My girlfriend is very appreciative of what I do for her and I'm always being complimented by her friends on what a great guy I am. But she has a tremendous time escaping her past, which was very hard on her. She felt abused, tormented, and shunned her whole life and every relationship she has ever had she has ended because she has a tendency to "self-distruct". It's hard on me, I admit, and sometimes I don't see how it will ever work out until she realizes that all of the failed relationships and abusive behavior is behind her now. She is in control of her decisions. I can't change the way she thinks, I've accepted that. I've come to see that it is definitely up to her to decide what her beliefs are and what she truly wants. Sometimes I feel like she thinks she doesn't deserve to be treated nicely and she seeks out instability to justify any unreasonable behavior on her part. It's rough, but I stick it out for one reason: because I love her. I think you understand your issues, now it's time to decide what you believe.

Trust me, a lot more guys than you think never had girlfriends until much later in life. But you will never hear about that, you only hear about the guys who have the notches under their belt. It's frustrating, but you have to remember that everybody is different and there are no hard and fast rules to dating. But practice makes perfect, or close enough. PS. I heard that David Letterman didn't have sex until he was 30. Can't say I don't understand why...but, hey, you gotta be better looking than that, right?