Aleksey

hey, i know what you are going through.. the same thing happened to me... as to your questions: what happened to me is i went to a mental hospital for a week, staying there while things were 'sorted out.' i imagine, if anything at all, that is what will happen. regardless, if they do send you a 'away' you will be return... i know i felt, odd, when i went, but i hope it does get better (and stays better) for you...

thanks for the input.... unfortunately, it just won't work. for instance, when i feel such, i have gone out and just been alone... it only complicated matters... i found a sharp stick and cut....=/ ahahaha. where i went as a kid? i really can't remember. i do remember being in a department store once, and hiding in one of those clothign racks.... lmfao.... i guess i didn't explain mhyself.... perhaps this will help: what i am talking of is feeling, not safe, by myself. wanting to run into the arms of someone, yet having noone to run to.... like, i am afraid when i take some meds feeling like this, that i won't care and just take too many.... as well, when i feel like this, i seriously think of going to the police station and asking if i can just sit in a cell or osme sheit, or going to the hospital and just sitting there..... i supose all this could be solved by calling up someone that i felt close to, and comfortable around... yet, i have noone to call... and it is an alternative to that that i was hoping to find... thanks for the input anyway guys (and girls?) ~Aleksey

well, i really can't think of a fancy, elaborate or anything but blunt way to say this, so i guess i just will. but, i was wondering what you guys do when you just want to be alone? when, rather than crawling into bed and sleeping, or finding your knife and cutting, or any number of things that those like oursleves do (suicidal...); you just want to be alone? yet, it is the only thing you can't do? in other words, i supose, without being nice about it; where do you go/what do you do when you just want it all to go away, yet can't fall back on any of the self-destructive patterns you oh-so-much-would-love-to-do.... some help and feedback would be much appreciated, as it is in this bloody state that i idle... wanting nothign more than the utter infinite of sleep, yet sleep just won't work... thanks ~Aleksey

ok, this may be long, but please bear with me... recently, i went off to my father's for a lovely (sarcasm) visit... several nights were spent burning away the pain, or cutting. needless to say, i am familiar with the cutting of oneself. i have been doing for quite some time, in fact. so long, however, that i can't really remember what it was like at the beginning. and yes, i know, every person/case is unique, but still. there are definatly signs that come out. all that to say this: how would i know if my kid sister cuts? i can't be sure (as i only spend about three, four weeks at my fathers at a time), but i do get the odd idea that she is, in the very least, depressed... and i fear that she may be taking steps down a path that i have already gone down... to say the least, i would like to try and help her, so i ask for help from you... heh. on a side note, we have a, complecated relationship, my sister and i, from the past... so, negotiations must be, delicate. however, this by no means means that she hates me, i just wish to be carefull of what i say.. thanks ~aleksey

heh. what is odd, is that i am of the same state of mind. most of the time, i use a knife/razor that i only use for cutting. however, even then, i tend to break out my lighter, light up a candle, and steralize the sharp object that way... however, if you don't want to burn yourself, you should be carefull, as well, it can/does damage the metal of the blade...=/ but what about glass? a broken coke bottle? heh, even though i just went on about ways you can cut yourself, if you live in such a sechluded comunity, perhaps it would be a good excuse to stop?

wow. i am surprised such suberb writing comes from someone so young... even so, age doesn't matter, thought i am eager to see what you can write when you get older... =D

i think the best choice would be for you to sit down with her and talk. even if you do cry for an hour...as horrid as that may sound.. =/ you see, and i think you do, you have to do something. and, short of telling her parents, teachers, counsler (if she has one), or a good friend (which i think would basically be telling yourself... so that doesn't work, now does it?) i really don't see much else that can be done. i assume that, out of the above people, it is only you who you can tell, and thus, only you who may be able to talk to her.... meh, srry, ranting... it may help, at the onset of the conversation you two have, to tell her that you are willing to sit there and be patient, attentive, and a very good listener for as long as it takes... basically, wait for her. and then, just talk... =/ meh, sorry i can't offer more, but i am on the other side of things, being the cutter, not the one who seeks help for a cutee (ahahah, does this work?).... you can pm anytime, if you need to talk or anything... ~Aleksey

in advance,i apologize for the long post that i think may be coming. as well, i apologize for anyhbody i offend, or any ideas, things i say, etc. that you do not like. for the most part, this post is directed to raders: well, lets start with the easy, smaller point i will make. yes, i agree iwth you to a degree. while i do not ihabit these forums frequently, i do generally come here and post when i am feeliing depressed and bored. rofl. anyway, i have yet to see a post that didn't seem reasonable (in this suicidal thread/part of the forum). however, i will give you that there is at least one post like that. and, i agree, these posts should not be posted. suicide is a serious issue, and when you talk about it, you are taken seriously, or should. an example would be the person who thinks to kill him/herself after loosing a bf/gf. yes, this person is depressed, yes this person is hurt. but, for the most part, many of these people feel better in the morning. and, maybe instead of posting in the suicide forum, they should find one more, symathetic, to their causes. ok, now the long rant. rof. i completely disagree with you that if you post here, you are not really commited, or willing to commit, to suicide. (for this post, i shall disregard those who post on behalf of friends, etc. for those posts are completely legit, and should not be agrued with). for this post, i shall use myself as an example. yes, i am suicidal. yes, i have tried to kill myself, have been in a hospital for depression/suicidal thoughts, and should be on meds. and, so you ask, why don't i just go kill myself? i assure you, i am most ready to die, and could care less what happens to my life, so long as it is terminated. yet, i post because, for osme odd reasojn or another, i just stare at the bottle of pills, instead of downing them. so, in a sense, i am working it out with myself what is inhibiting me from doing so. as well, suicide is something that obviously cannot be taken back. and for some (i.e. the ones who don't do it 'in the spur of the moemnt'), it is something we have given much thought to. and i, for one, want to make sure that there really is not another way. that is also another reason i pst here. to see if perhaps there is something o have overlooked the many nights i stare at my celing and think... rofl. ok, done for that part. about your 911 call thing. yes, i know this sort of stuff happens. and the reason i believe itg does, is because some peoploe are not cappable, or cannot find a way, to tell someone that would/can help them. and so by attempting suicide, or the appearance or such, the person is getting, without a doubt, into everyone's head that they no longer wish to live... well, that is my view on things. srry if it seems a little, harsh, but, to be blunt, i really did not like your post (though respected it. etc.), and hope to help you understand that you can come to a place like this, and post, yet truly wish to die....

oddly enough, i also believe i can relate. back in january, my mother found out that i was suicidal, and, woohoo, i went to a hospital. lucky me... anyway, ya. it isn't any better. in fact, it is worse. its kinda sad, cause when people ask me for my plans for the future, i really can't come up with an honest ansewr. because, i do, like you, plan to kill myself at some future time. rofl. kinda scary, in a way. and, just liuke you, i really odn't know why i haven't downed that bottle of pills i have stared at for countless hours, or cut just a little deeper and sever the vein.... meh. whatever. i supose, the whole point of this, is just to add my name to the list. lmfao. ~Aleksey

heh. as stated before, you make some interesting points. i think a lot of the reason we cant go out into the open and cut is the nature behind cutting. smoking, and drinking have been around for a long time (at least to the founding of the US, as tabacoo was a huge cash crop down here; and alcohol since before then). yet cutting oneself is realatively new. well, let me rephrase that. it is only getting media now, withing the past twenty years or so. in the past, they used to pretty much just lock up those who were suicidal, and treat them as crazy. as time progressed, they become enlightened, and then changed to putting them in a comforting, happy and healthy environment. regardless, they were put away in a plsace away from the public, and noone really knew about them. it is only now, with our hospittals, modern medicine, and medicine of th emind, that we are realizing that there are better things to do instead of just putting this problem in the closet and trying to think about it. and such, to my point: cutting is taboo. it is something that most of the public (when i say that, i mean the people who arne't suicidal/cutters) can't understand. and, in some cases fear. for th emost part, however, i think they just can't comprehend why someone would go so far as to cut oneself. and, typical to human thought, most of them don't want to know. so, instead of helping, they run away. and how this is different than smoking (both pot and tabaco) and drinking is that cutting is a realatively new 'release' that has been brought to the public view. rofl. srry for the rant. that is my opinion anyway. ~Aleksey

i think you just need to do what you did before. just sit down with her, and talk to her. tell her that you love her, and truly care for her, and only want to help her, etc. well, that would be my suggestion anyway. as well, something that would help for me (as i cut), is to talk to a friend instead of cutting. so perhaps, you should get her to promise to call you first? i dunno, i just think that may help. ~Aleksey

well. to start, i can't say that i have been through cutting. in fact, i am cutting. heh. but,my point. much has been said. much i agree with. i think the best thing you can do, is just to be there for him. not telling anyone. well, that is somethign i thyink only youy can decide. but i wouldn't tell his parents. perhaps yours. perhaps a teacher. perhaps a counsler. IF anyone. but i don't know. however, my two cents is taht you should be there for him. personally, i can not tell you how many times i think i wouldn't have cut if i had someone talking to me... =/ as well, and i don't know if this applies to you, but find out when he cuts. for me, i feel the msot depressed at night, generally about this hour (3.30 is a bit late for me, but i had a late start last morning). so, perhaps you should call him? i dunno. my point is, try and get close to him. and stay there. really really really try to getg over whatever differences occur. it seems like he needs you the most, and doesn't have anyone else to talk to... srry for the rant..

oh, w00t! more for ya. i thought i should mention, that mentally, i am seriously declining. basically, here is what i can point out: my short term memory is greatly shortened. for instance, when i used to be in school (pre januyart), the teacher would put up two assignments on the board, but in brief, explaining them oraly. i would get to work on one, but couldn't remember the second one. my eyesight seems to be failing. self explanitory. ok ok ok. i know, you are saying, these can just be physical problems, not related to my mental state at all. and i am probably just freaking myself out. but i mentioned i am trying to get everything out. so, that and this (which, i am pretty sure is directly intertwined to my mental state) edward has developed. edward is whati call myself, when i really really get depressed. basically, i stop calling myself by my given name, and start calling myself edward. i see this as soemthing my mind does, becauyse it is easier to see someone elses' pain than your own. and while i fully remewmver what goes on, etc, it feels like it isn't me. as well, i can stop myself from writing in third person, and all that, but, it is really really really hard, and feels just so bloody good to not. bah, ok, i am done. i am going to sleep. if i can. and see what happens

heh. to start, i would like to say that i tend to, um, rant, sometimes, and i can get some really really long posts. so, ye be warned. as well, i wasn't sure if this should go in either this part of the forum, or the suiicide part.. so sorry. ok. basically, i am just asking for help. and to start, i will give you some oh how lovely history! many many years ago (well, not so many, more like, six or seven) i left Nigeria. yes, that's in Africa. and, whilst doing so, left every single bloody friend i had. and, no, there was no chance that i could ever see them again (well, the likely hood was very low). as well, i am just not the type of person who keeps in contact. so, basically, i moved into 10th grade of highschool, without anyone i knew (i moved frm my father's household, to my mothers. so, even my relationship with my mother wasn't very close). as a side noite, i had a tramatic experience which i prefer not to share in nigeria, but, i note it because i am trying to get it all out... =/ ok, so i am pretty much alone in high school, yeah, i make 'friends' in my class and whatnot, but i really only meet one person i can really talk to. lucky me, she lives about three hours away, and i rarely get to see her. ok, so fast forward until january 12 of 2004 (recently). in short, i haven't really made any friends in school (people i can trust, and talk to). sarah (my friend i mentioned earluer) has seemed to drift away, our conversations spase and short. and, to top matters off, i dislike staying with my father (in Texas, mostly because he always seems to be trying to make me sometjhing i am not), and don't really like my mother much either. and, about the side note about the tramatic experience, i finally apologized to the person concerned. after about six years or so. heh. ok, now, you basically can get the idea that i am alone. i also should mention that i had been cutting/suicidal for about a solid year at this point. the depression, however, i would say streched back at least a year more (two years), probably more. ok, now we jump one day. i believe it was a tuesday, january 13, 2004. with the lovely help of a before-school bowl of marijuana, i had a massive anxiety attack (at least, that is what i ahve been told from the doctors. it basically felt as if my body was going too slow for my mind., i felt the urge to throw up several times, as well, i felt like i would hyperventilate. and while i had been suicidal for the past year(s), i guess i didn't feel ready to die. for that is what i felt like i was doing. dying.). so, anyway, with much ado and buearuactatic (SP!!!!) crap, i get the paramedics on the way. about at this point, my dean (the head honcho) asks if i was under the influence, which i answered yes to (note: the stuff i smoked wasn't laced with anything, as the guy i smoked with i trust (as odd as that sounds), and he says there wasn't any in it.). so, about five minutes later (seemed like a lot longer to me), the paramedics arrive shortly after the firemen. and, soon, i am off to the hospital!!! w00t for me (SARCASM)! anyway, once there, the doc asks if i was depressed, and then suicidal. and guess what, i answered yes to both of them. so after some more paper work, we got me into a phyciatric (I CAN"T SPELL!!! SORRY) hospital in Loma Linda. and, then, we took a trip back to the school to get some stuff! and, it was at this time, my mother was kindly informed, by my 'understanding' headmaster, that basically i was kicked out. after that, i pretty much went staight to loma linda. so, that was oh such a wonderfull day. ok, i spent a week in the hospital. gettting out on my b-day (and turning 18. lucky me! (SARCSIM)). now, i am on meds, and seeing a head doc (srry, can't spell, and am too tiured and lazy to try) once a week. i am also now enrolled in a school that i basically go and get homework form once a week (for kids who want to finish their education, but can't go to school full time, such as teenage mothers). annny way. time went by, and i graduated june 2nd. things weren't great, but not horrid either. basically, i wasn't happy, but wasn't sad, and wasn't cutting or thinking of suicide. however, times change (ok, FINALLY i get to the end... thanks for bearing with me!). today. right nwo. that is where we are. in the past, i would cut once, wait for it to heal, then cut int he same place (one cut is easier to coneal than many). now, however, i cut several times, and don't care about them healing. what hasn't changed, however, is the location: on the inner wrist. yep, above the veins. think that i am trying to tell yousomething (hint hint SARCASM)... heh. as well, i no longer drive with a sealt belt. i think of suicide mroe and mroe. the plans i used to have for killing myself have come back. basically, i am not where i was january 12. no no no. i am worse. no longer do i have any sort of social group. or obligations. today, i woke up, and saw no reason to get out of bed. so i stayed in bed, dozing off, for bloody six hours. yep. six. at that point, my bladder was so full, i couldn't stand it. XD. and sarah. oh my, sarah. she gets her own paragraph. so, the rest of my life can be sterotyped. don't like my parents much. don't have any sort of social circle. pretty much don't see a future, what so ever. and all i want, is to fade away. however, those of you who say tha ti should talk to sarah, my one and only friend, this paragraph is for you!!!: sarah. she is the one, and only person, i feel i can trist and talk to. yet, instead of calling her, i am posting on this forum. lucky you!!! my big problem with her is my greatest fear. pretty much every time we talk, she says that she loves me, and i believe her. yet, in the past, and again recently, i am not sure what love is. at all. whatsoever. so, i no longer can say, honestly (which i want to be with her), that i return her love. so, my greatest fear, is that i truly do love her. you see, if i do, then that means that i won't kill myself, because it would hurft her greatly. yet, the reason i am so fearfull of it, is because that would mean my one way of getting off this bloody rock (so to speak), is gone. replaced by what? nothing. nothing that will change a bloody thing. it won't cahnge how i have no future, nor my pain, nor my solitude. so, now i finish. in short, i bloody hate myself. and i dont see a way out. those of you who are asking' where is your question' or 'what was the point of this long post?' here is my answer. the long post (THANK YOU if you read it all!!!) is to try and explain, to myself, as well as you (this is the first time i would have gotten it all out; well, as much as i can at one time, at 3:11 in the mornign), how i don't see a way out. how i don't see a way, or someone, to grab onto and ask for help. and that leads to my question. instead of asking why i cut, or help for cutting. i just ask for help. please. help, of any kind. i supose i may be realising that i do love sarah, and need to change, or soemthing. i don't know. just help please. AIM: sicSpade e-mail: email removed