Hoss

If you don't want to rekindle the relationship or remain friends, don't send anything. It will either confuse her or hurt her. It sounds like you are a stand up guy and you do not really want to hurt her.

Bumshkin, I completely understand your pain. You need to move on, this is not healthy for you. He does not treat you with respect and you deserve to be treated that way, we all do. The reason he is still treating you like the enemy, is because you let him. I am not judging at all because I just was dumped from a relationship where I did the same thing that you did. The whole bad politics thing might refer to his relationhsip with his parents. Did his parents like you alot? If the did, they might be asking him questions on why you are not around anymore and telling him that he screwed up. That is just a guess. I know it hurts, but I can promise you that the pain will go away. We all deserve to be treated with love, honesty, and respect. There is someone out there that will fullfill you wants. Good luck.

Karibo, if I had the answer on how to tell what is going on in someone's head, I would share it with you in a minute. The truth is you never really know unless the person HONESTLY tells you. I think this guy does not know what he wants. You might be right with the fear of commitment, but we can never be sure. How old is this guy? The shrugging you off in front of his friends and getting jealous and trying to make you jealous sounds very insecure and immature. Although it hurts not to get an answer (trust me, I can relate), you have asked him where you stand? Wait for his answer. In my opinion, you deserve to be treated better, treated with respect. This guys is leaving for a few months, so approach him when he returns and see where things go. You might not even be interested, because you might come the realization that you deserve to be treated better. Also, I would not be sitting driving yourself crazy about this guy why he is gone. I know that is easier said than done. Do your own thing during those few months. Hang out with people that care about you, try to have a good time, try and date other guys. Hang in there and good luck.

OK, you will not want to believe this one. If you truly want them to think they got the best of you, do what you are thinking about doing. By you responding, they know they pissed you off. I do not know what these people did to you. If you act like nothing bothered you and even be polite to them back, it will freak them out. Do that a time or two and they will leave you alone. They will get bored with you. You might even make them feel bad. If you want to get the best of them, act like nothing bothered you. Really hard, but that will get you more respect than fighting back. I am not saying this stuff to be all nice, I am saying this stuff because it works. I have went the route you are thinking. I didn't feel better and they didn't feel bad for what they did. I have also turned the other cheek, and it has worked every time. Keep your head up.

Alright man, I hear you. I have been that mad before. I know you do not want to hear that vengence is not worth it, so I will not say it that way. I will say that if you go through with doing something to get your revenge, it will not make your hurt feelings go away. Trust me on that one! Plus, you can risk getting yourself in trouble. Especially if you are considering property damage. OK, these people have crapped on you in some way. Would it be worth getting in trouble (arrested, expelled, etc.) to get them back? They still win, man! Let it go. I know it is hard, but let it go. You will feel better in the long run. I have been around a while longer than you, and I am a firm believer of what comes around goes around, eventually. Seen it happen many times. They will get theirs without you doing a thing. There is Someone that is keeping score. Take the high road and good luck.

Pretty mature words from someone your age. That is good! You are young, there will be plenty of chances. You will fall in love again. You will probably have your heart broken again also, unfortunately. At your age, LIVE LIFE. Have fun and learn from your relationships. Don't get to bogged down about the future, that is for old farts like me.

I totally understand about snooping, you are looking for an answer. Not to be harsh, you know the answer but you do not want to accept it. I am just getting out of a similar situation. I was dumped in May after a four year relationship. I was told that the reason was that she was holding me back because of our age difference (she is 13 years older) and that she could not have children. She was holding me back and in turn that held her back. Turned out that there was another guy. I heard rumors and some friends confirmed some things for me. I still did not want to accept it. I confronted her asking for her just to be truthful with me because the not knowing the truth was killing me. She said that they were just friends. She also said that she still loved me, but we could not be together. The same week that we had a talk about getting together to "just have sex" (please never do that) the other guy called me. He wanted to know if I had been in a relationship with her because he had heard things about me. This other guy had confronted her about me, and yes the answer was "we are just friends." I found out the real truth from the other guy, ironic. She was playing us both. He wins, because I do not want her. To tell the truth, the loss of my friendship with her hurts worse than the infidelity. I love her, but I can never forgive her. Anyway, my long winded point is that you know the answer. So, you have to decide what you want. Quit snooping, it is just wasting your time and making you feel worse. I wish you luck.

Ok, I am starting to think it is really fishy. The guy she supposedly met with her family for dinner to discuss cabin rentals has been stopping by her office that last two days to say "Hi!". I happened to be walking by one time. She probably read my face because she came straight to my office when he left. She said, it is not what I think. There is nothing going on between them and she can't stop him from coming to her office because he always has a work related reason. She said that he is a dirt ball and is just trying to get in her pants like he has for years. She also said since I made a scene a few weeks ago, he is probably trying to get under my skin. I do have to admit he would be the type to do that. This guy is a total waste of skin. We are supposed to be having no contact, but she has called me twice now to convince me that nothing is going on with this guy and that she does love me but needs some time. It is driving me nuts. I want to believe her, but it just looks so fishy. My gut tells me that something is up. She may not be doing the guy, but she is either going out with him or making him believe he has a chance. Plus, I guess it does not really matter if she is seeing this guy. I just need to accept that we are done and move on, but it is almost like she won't let me. It hurts bad enough to give up the person you love with your whole heart. But it sucks even worse when you think she is hanging out with a total dirt bag! I am not saying I am perfect, but I am freaking a prince compared to this POS. Does anybody have a pill that you can take for this hurt?

Just getting back to work from a long weekend. As I stated before I work with my ex, her office is two offices down from mine. Any advice on how not to look like either: 1) I am pissed, or 2) someone just shot my dog. This seeing each other every day at work really sucks. Specially when she asks how I am doing. Thanks, Hoss

Thanks for all the replys. It was a really rough weekend because everywhere I went I had to hear, "Where's ...?" I am trying to give her space and allow myself to heal. I am sure I will have more posts as I will probably crash and burn at time. Thanks Again, Hoss

Gilgamesh- Thanks for the reply. My mind tells me exactly what you said, but I can't get my heart to listen. I am an engineer by trade, so it is hard not to think that every problem does not have an answer. I need to get to where I can accept not having an answer. As for if I could take her back. I am not sure right now, I need to think about that more when I am not so upset and can really think. If she was just hanging out with this guy and was honest about it, maybe. If it is more, no. Again, I am not certain what is going on with this guy. It could be exactly what she said, but I have too many doubts. One thing that really concerns me is that this guy is really bad news. Confirmed to be tied into drugs, etc. I am concerned that if she is getting in with this guy, she does not realize the dangers. But I can't control that. Thanks again.

Please feel free to provide me with any comments or kicks in the head. Sorry, this is long. We had been together for 4 years, and friends for 6. Almost two months ago, she came to me stating that she need some time alone. She said that she loved me with all her heart (friendship and romantically) and that I was the best thing that ever happened to her, but she needed some time apart and that I needed to move on with my life. She said that she felt that she was holding me back, and that was also holding her back. When she referred to holding me back, she is referring to our age difference and children. She is 13 years older than I am. Also, has been married twice before (both very harmful to her self esteem) but has no children. She has infertility issues in addition to concerns of child birth/motherhood post 40 years of age. She has voiced concern in the past that if we did stay together that in the future she would be concerned that I could have anamosity towards her because I did not become a father. I tried to explain to her that was my decision. Her argument back was that I would not make that decision with her in the picture because I was comfortable with her and we love each other. Although it is tough it is honorable. So, back to the break up. Although she stated we need time apart for me to go on with my life, she did still want to remain friends. Maybe friends with benefits. I told her I did not know if I could be friends with benies, so we would have to talk about that more. The problem was that she did not want to talk about anything after our intial conversation becasue it was too painful. She said lets just see what happens. Here is where the problems start. She wants space, does not want to communicate, but still comes over to my house. For a recent gift she promised to paint my living room. This had not been completed prior to our "Talk" but she felt that she had to do it because she said she would and it was a gift. So, she started coming over to paint. I thought she wanted space?!?! This was extremely hard for me. I longed to see her, but it was so painful. When she was over, I would try to be quiet, but I would always start talking about us. I had the right to remain silent, just not the ability. Anyway, it would always end up in a argument. She would say that there was nothing to talk about and that she was the one losing and that I would thank her in the future. The thing is, it took her over a month to paint the room! A couple hours here, there. Also, she would never take her stuff from my house. I was always told I'll get it later. For someone wanting space, it sure looked like to me she couldn't let go either. It was tearing me up. Also, I forgot a big piece of the pie. We work at the same company and I have to see her every stinking day. During the marathon painting session there were always questions of what each other was doing. She would quiz me of all my activities. I would answer because, I did not want her to think I was the type of guy that would just run off and screw around. She would always ask if girl that works at the pub I frequent was still hitting on me in a jealous tone. In response to her questions, I would ask the same. I would always get vague activities and she would state that we are supposed to give each other space but she was not seeing anyone and did not have plans to. Not fare in my opinion. I am not proud of this at all, but it left me wondering and I had to know. I checked up on her a few times. One of those times she was coming out of a restaurant from having dinner with her family and she was with this guy. I know this guy, he is a total dirt ball (drugs, etc.). Anyway, I saw this and I lost it. I confronted her right there in front of them both, and of course she was very angry and would not speak. This is where I need a kick in the head. The next day at work, she came to me very angry. She said that she was hurt that I would think she would be with someone like that and that I did not trust her. I told her that I was lost because she would always ask what I was doing and she would be vague when I asked her. She did admit that she did do that and it was not fare. I asked her is she was seeing this guys and she said that he was there becasue her family was considering renting some lake houses from him for a weekend in the summer. She could be telling the truth, but I am torturring myself with all possibilities. She has always found bad boys attractive. I had heard rumors a few months ago about her being seen with this guy. But I did not put any weight into it becasue she was with me and in a factory setting there are rumors everywhere, most being untrue. She told me about the rumor herself soon after I heard it myself. She had told when we first started dating that this same guy would hit on her at work and had sent her flowers a few times before I was around. She had politely asked him to stop. There are always rumors about her, but there are rumors about all the attractive women in a factory environment. There was rumors that I was doing a admin. asst. because I went to lunch with her a few times over a couple of months. I was helping her with a college project. My whole problem is, I DO NOT KNOW FOR SURE. It is driving me crazy. Although she is right about the potential future issues in our relationship and ending it might be the best thing, I love her with all my heart. It is so hard to hear that she love me but she has to let me go. But she is not letting go either. Is she screwing around and saying she has to let me go as an excuse to not tell me the truth. Is the rumor true? Where has my confidence gone? AAAHHHGGG! Yesterday was terrible. It was my BDay and she always made a huge deal about my BDay. She took the day off of work and left me a card on my desk with a note that she could not see me on my birthday because it would be to hard for her. She did leave me a voice mail late last night to wish me a happy birthday and to ask how my doctor's appointment went. I called her back and got her voice mail and said thanks and I would have to explain the doctor's appointment (complications from a recent motorcycle wreck, I have all the luck lately!). I have not heard back from her. I am trying really hard not to call her. I am at my folks lake cottage for the weekend, so I thought that would help. The problem is that she is in all my thoughts because we had planned to be here together this weekend several months ago. So I cannot stop wondering where she is and what she is doing. I am a freaking mess. I am so frustrated with myself because I am usually in control of my feelings and usually an anchor when my friends have similar issues. I feel so lost.